|
+++++++++++
Mon Aug 18.08
Worked all day on boring, difficult org charts. Stayed late to pull audio
music snips off Aguirre the Wrath of God for Liz P-focused YouTube
slideshow. Starry Plough Corned beef dinner - 2 extra blocks to BART while
they destroy half the parking. Assholes.
Nomad to upload lots of pics from Mann picnic & memorial to Facebook.
Thinking about putting together a bunch of self-portrait digital video
yaps for YouTube. Too embarrassing? When has that ever stopped me. In fact,
if I fear embarrassment I'm more likely to think I've likely nothing to fear
and it needs to be overcome so I do it. Hasn't killed me yet.
Likely is the word of the month.
Put the funny 1/2&1/2 pillow slips on bed pillows - thick, comfortable. I
dig it.
Ok. Taylor St Poetry Corner. Finished Zen Art Motorcycle Maintenance. All
sorts of little things going on. Books. Pieces of paper. Things to mail.
Things to store. Furniture to rearrange. Photographs top share with the
world. Clothes to buy: clean socks, shows, shorts, pants, coat, tie.
Don't forget to Be Here Now and enjoy every second and every breath even
when I'm sad, tired and anxious. I've stoped work mochas and going for
straight Peet's. better.
+++++++++++
Sun Aug 17.08 II
After Nomad morning, Buff chat (Ikea?), random Marin drive becomes
Tamalpais inspiration, and I have maps of Marin and Tamalpais - eeh! Easy to
find once I decide to use the map instead of guessing and hoping. Past fire
dept, Fern trail to East Point, trails and fire roads - hydrated in the car
plus a cold chicken/bean/cheese wrap. Orange and energy bar for trail - some
steep shit, but I took it easy. Beautiful day for a hike, chat with a couple
about confusing signs and 'hello' passing a Nomad acquaintance. Cool - I got
out, traffic was light throughout - it's been years! Associations with Boona
& Tom, and Chae. They faded quickly replaced with sensual/sexual video ideas
for Liz Pope circa 1994. Organic orange, Gatorade, banana.
Sunny on the mountain - and not many forested areas, really overhanging
forest - because mostly your are on the steep hillside looking out onto a
view. Still, fun to explore some more - maybe in the fall and winter;
another place along with Santa Rosa and Davis and San Francisco museums that
can be reached in about an hour.
Looked out into my past: West Virginia, Pittsburgh, LRY, South Charleston,
Berkeley, Anne Newhall, Ann Arbor, Adrienne, Oakland, Wayne Kwitney, Laney,
Davis, bands, marriage, Taylor, Game Theory tours, divorce, Chris, Karen,
cottage, Buff DJ, work mates... present.
Stopped in Marin at laundromat - Sunday NYT, sushi/yogurt/water from store
around corner. Marin. White people. Money.
Good weekend - good summer. Felt strong during the walk, mentally a little
foggy - not excited at any rate, but that's good right? Unexcited is normal,
and at 54 - I don't want to be hyper and overexcited like I was before. Felt
physically strong - no problem doing the miles in the heat up steep paths
and dirt roads - stopped to point when I needed to. Orange, fruits, energy
bar were a big help. Could have done more miles... maybe get in a long one
or two this summer?
Ordered ticket for Asleep at the Wheel next Sunday. Amazon for two more
Jam CDs. Cool. It's pretty much how I want it and how's right for me. I
continue to consider looking for a newer $5K Volva. Selling other cheap
within Mann family. Feel like selling is better than giving in most cases -
otherwise it lacks some intrinsic value. Money gift is energy gift - like
helping someone build a bar. Buying a model's time. Did I pay Liz? I forget.
Thinking about a £1K house gift for U.K. At same time as car to keep all the
pain in one place. But the car is running fine...so, no.
Back to work tomorrow... pay week... 50 has to wait for end of next year,
but it can be done.
Okay. Find a model?
+++++++++++
Sun Aug 17.08
Morning again - woke up as bobble-headed Bob, don't lean forward whatever
I do - wooo... my head is a special effect... motion trails... leaning,
leaning forward... careful, no heavy equipment today thank you very much -
dizzy, almost concerned I would fall... not really, but, getting there...
and still with the mild harumphing sore throat. I want a week away at the
health farm with lots of water, salads, massages, clean air and healthy
living. They used to have places like that... spas, are there inexpensive
ones? I want a refresher!
Relationships are a big distraction - that's what I remember about them.
One is constantly aware of meeting the other's need in one way or another,
never alone not really. That drove me fucking nuts, because how could I ever
get centered in myself, know who I am, feel right. I am not who I am plus
one, I am me alone, Si! No. Si!
Josqin's relationship exists pure in my memory, and in who I am because of
him and all he represented. I do like having the bed to spread out on, and
am suffering from neither solitude nor loneliness either as I expected I
might. Digging it. Maybe I'll notice later. If I could choose, I would
choose to have him alive and back. But he is gone, and the mourning can
happen without my hurting every time I see the empty space where the cage
was. On the other hand, I am not rushing to do something else with that
space - it remains somewhat filled with sacred energy. Organic process
works. No hurry. But the desk and chest of drawers,,,
...yeah. I saw the new lay-out last night.
Medium-size bed with drawers beneath 1/2, and other 1/2 empty for plastic
buckets of papers/negatives. This is the north-east corner. A chair and lamp
in the southeast corner. Chest of drawers gone. Shelves instead. Small desk
with drawers somewhere. Current desk gone. Could be.
Sat: Nomad, drive north route down across GG bridge to deYoung for
Chuhuli blown-glass exhibit; liked that very much! Beautiful. Drive was
smooth - ~50min total? Easy! Walked through everything, taking pictures,
wearing Buff's black jacket.
Left and strolled towards music in band shell - folk festival of some
sort, old hippies and their grandchildren. Danny Plotnick there with son; Dan
Hicks coming up. We talked about his live film of Dream Syndicate, YouTube,
photo sites etc. He's a good guy, fun to see him. Dan Hicks with Jug Band
was excellent - what a treat! A dancing horse blew minds.
After, easy drive home - socked in with fog all day. Library to drop off,
pick up several including Maltese Falcon. Buff & I arrived home at same
moment - agreed on Maltese Falcon viewing, he made dinner, tasty pasta! yum - rb, Chinese Olympics with much commentary on the marathon womens' physics
(good). Sydney Greenstreet is amazing, and Brigid O'Shaughnessy. Slow
moments, but also terrific flawless classic set pieces.
Invitation from John Henry to his 80th birthday. I was so pleased to
receive it and thought of course, and as I was telling Buff I was caught
short - "oh!" - because Shelley and Chris will be there. Well. I want to
attend. Don't have to stay long. And probably not too many opportunities for
awkward situations. So, yeah. Perhaps a little legwork beforehand to prep
ground. The day is John Henry's, not for other melodramas. Time is too
short, if it is anything at all.
The most powerful orgasm I ever felt crushed my fingers.
A good day, I'd say. Email from ex-coworker Charelle.
Liz at Taylor.
+++++++++++
Sat Aug 16.08
And now it's morning - my mind wandering and jumpy. Want to get focused -
centered - on living right, thinking right, focused on doing right. Breath.
Calm. Not stuck in the mud. Drive to museum today - get enough rest - don't
eat crap. de Young and bicycle = fun! Why not? Weary is no reason no to
move. My throat slightly clogged - seems like I'm been clearing and
harrumphing for months - since the big fires? Did they give me a condition?
Okay. Deep breath. Davis and Nicasio tomorrow?
Laundry. Library.
Never did watch the Gregory Peck is a Jew movie. Buff said it wasn't that
great. Bamboozled was like being hit in the face over and over again - but
it fulfilled it polemic purpose. And some of it was goddam funny - not to
mention shocking! Is there a button left unpushed?
Okay... relax... enjoy... the Denise nude on the couch below inspired all
sorts of terribly disrespectful, flexible, multi-partnered, squishy
fantasies.
Okay - family is rough - we all get to see each other at our best and
worst for decades -is there no way out? There's no way out of me being me
- I'm am uncomfortably anxious around people and 'anger' in general, so
family is a mind-blocker - I can barely function, feel useless. I am of no
value to them except for memories' sake. Ah, our little boy has grown. It's
not enough to be me - being valuable to others is not being valuable to
them. I go home and my fiber screams at them "I have value. Maybe not to you
- but to others. I am loved, maybe not by you, but by others. I am
respected and care for - not by you, but by others. My philosophy is
respected by others, but not by you. Fuck you and your attempts to wrestle
me out of being me with your emotional blackmail and proselytizing"!"
Pressure to be close to ones family is intense - society demands it - the
Ten Commandments proscribe it on pain of death. Yet - who really wants it?
What do I get from it that I don't have, except the warm feeling on my place
of origin. And yeah, that certainly has healing closure value - the circle
comes full.
So that's out. All I can do is be me, be in touch - and why? Because... ?
Because family has value even if the worth is not easily visible. Yes, the
value is hard to detect. All my anger and resentments are right there on my
face, in my chest - wanting to do physic violence to those who were closest
to me. Best to stay away. That's entertainment. That's reality. If doing
something over and over again expecting different results is insanity, then
not doing what doesn't work is sane. Visiting home doesn't work.
Or does it? It sort of did. Expecting it to be other than what it is is
insane. Keeping expectations in line with reality is not undoable.
Enough thinking on this. Not part of my day-to-day life. Exchange of cards
and letters when someone dies or on Mother's and Father's Day. Bam! Bam!
Bam! Nailed it. A solid single anyway. Singles are good.
My favorite photographic vulva. ~1994.
++++++++++
Fri Aug 15.08
Last night Bamboozled with Buff - today redid
The
Bowl at work and re-uploaded; yesterday stayed late and combined studio
Nine
Lives to Rigel Five with special-effected live video - I think it came
out alright, considering. Can see why no one else will like it though. Man I
loved that music. Man it was magic. Man I was lucky. Man I still love a lot
of it! The old stuff. The Red Baron. Metal and Glass. A live Metal and Glass
may be next up. I suspect some people disapprove of me putting up the stuff,
think it's disrespectful to Scott, or pathetic that I haven't "moved on".
Really likely no one who matters gives a fuck. And besides, it's not hurting
anyone, it's giving a lot of people pleasure (~9K hits for Erica's Word),
and I know - as I did about which of my photographs were best - best,
because I do.
Karen back in U.K. My stomach issues remain. Soft creations. Bummed that I
was not well the day we spent together - it had potential to be really cool,
but I did my best under les than ideal circumstances, really did my best,
drove her everywhere, was there for her & Xo when they needed me, exhausted,
saying many sad goodbyes, so that is enough.
I kind of the dig The Bowl II video with blue tint, backwards Satie, sped
up transitions, the red 'o' - could be a direction. Art is good, if I enjoy
it, creating a mood, then it don't matter what anyone thinks. So lucky to
have access to the stuff at work. Very very cool.
I am sort of an asshole, making jokes at other people's expense, being
mean, insulting - mostly done covered by good humor and willingness to be
upfront about what I am, but how much of my saying dad is mean is seeing the
meanness in myself - I am not fluffy light happy good natured, more sad
angry and bitter. I have my good happy philosophical side, I will kick in to
help when someone is on the ground - it's not so much that I'm bad, as I
want revenge on life and god and family and humanity for reacting to me the
way I react to imperfection. What was it... right, that I looked at sibs and
said hah they are on depressants but I'm not, they have health problems -
scoliosis, back swerves and I don't - but yeah who kid I, with my decades of
self medicating with pot and alcohol, and my funny high-waisted, sway-back
torso that pitches forward at the gut. No better. Who kid I?
Last day with Karen and Xo was tough, us both tired, me sick, Xo tired and
sad - we got through it, occasionally lost in South San Francisco, I perhaps
not great company, Xo restless and crazy... but yeah. Don't worry. Down
inside I am grateful and happy for that special day in the middle of
nowhere.
And... I miss Josqin and the sadness is moving closer now that I have some
time alone... the bunny stuff has been taken from the sidewalk... I get an
occasional whiff of bunny, the yeasty end-days smell. Fell so sad - have to
hide the dry tears walking down the street. Reading how Zen/Motorcycle guy's
son died - his thoughts - helped me to grasp it. Is it a hippie book? Almost
seems like the opposite - a reconciliation of East and West - something I
have often sensed was missing, and obvious.
Okay... took a 1/3kl - first time since LA two weeks ago. Came home to his
carcass. Said I love you. Goodbye. Safe journeys. But he was gone. There's
some self-pity for my loss, there's some tears because I miss him and the
tragedy of death/life etc, but really I think the mourning process is taking
place beneath and around all that, somewhere I can't quite touch, because
who can understand death? So... ride it out, and respect the process. Just
because I can't see it, doesn't mean it's not taking place. I am evolving.
DeYoung museum tomorrow, G&S evening? - Davis for photo albums Sunday? Get
a new desk with drawers? A new bed? Book shelves?
I'm babbling a lot in recent weeks' blogs - a sign of my being slightly
unhinged by events.
Living in my car... going from house to house in Davis, smoking, drinking,
photographing - sometimes it really was fun as I remember. I had a
(photography-related!) job, so had some money - which I usually didn't as a
student, slept on couches or in Baby, sometimes hung out with bands - Juhos
GT, Donnette's bands - The Veil, because I had a camera you know. Eric and
his friends/housemates... Jennifer and Tracey in their dorm, then off-campus
apartments... 1982-4. A long fucking time ago now. A marriage, tour with
Game Theory, work at Big Shot for 14 years, divorce, cottage for 10 years,
Josqin live and die, God0father of Xo ago. It is a pivotal point -
maybe even more than the Game Theory tours? A time.. of... my first car,
first "real" job, developing friendship with the LaFrenieres. Sex. Drugs.
Alcohol. Rock and roll. Leather jacket. Fantasy. Escapism. Because life was
not what I had hoped it would be. S'how it goes.
The shaver was a shocker.
++++++++++
Wed Aug 13.08
Probably should have called in sick yesterday, but there was no way I
could have known how wiped out I'd feel - slept okay, but dang... no
spunk... leave work @noon, airport for Karen & Xo, running around not
knowing what airline it was.
Drive to... top of Solano, Xo&I nap in car while Karen does bank business;
at my suggestion we stop in at Richard's MLK press, then to Saul's for
lunch. Xo drugged and cranky woken from her nap, spills pink soup in her
dress and, while K washed it, she frolicked and danced on the backs of seats
in her underwear with me 'spotting' her. She was a happy girl then.
Black Oak Books - I read to kid's books to Xo in back while Karen buys
Peet's coffee and shops.
Liz & Robbie's, hang with Katie & Xo watching Spanish language cartoons.
After much talk, packing car, sad crying good-byes (Xo was not enjoying all
the hellos and goodbyes, didn't want to leave, but wanted to go home); to
Sooz's for happy birthdays (also K&I's anniversary) and good-byes. SF to
Erik & Wei-wei's - we get a bit lost - Note to Self: Print out directions
and maps! I seem to get lost a lot driving with Karen - nervous? About
irritation?
Hang till ~11, they invite to me to Willits hills/river this weekend -
Friday - tempting; I always, or too often find it easiest to say no to
social invites from people I don't know well - but, you know, give it a
chance! What do I have to lose?
Unpack car for last time - we talked a bout Josqin's death, finding him,
feeling his presence near, though probably I was feeling my own love for the
living rabbit near, because Josqin's spirit was gone, his body lifeless,
stiff, room temperature... I felt my love without response and reflection...
alone, and so soon to fade...
Tired at work today...~9 now, took 1 Advil PM... get to sleep soon...long
night's sleep.
Kind of weird - long visit, lots of events, K&I leaving at different
times, K coming back after saying goodbye for just a day. Thankful is what I
am. Wow.
Bummed that I was not in top shape for some of KIX visit, and esp
yesterday - hated that I couldn't be all there for her, and me, but we had
fun, esp with Xo, a couple of very adult talks, about mom and dad being my
friends, she said I love you, I said I love you, too - she seemed tired and
sad about the goodbyes. She was in a big comfy bed all to herself - sweet
dreams sweet Xo.
K at work supposed to show me some In Design. Wanting to do photo/music
slideshow videos when it slows down. Some trainings coming up - some I'm
putting off because of KIX visit, sickness, fatigue.
A few busy weeks: mess of days off, calling in sick, sometimes really
sick, losing my voice, Josqin dying - memorial services for Josqin and
Grandaddy - lots of people - one day at work sick, one mourning for Josqin -
work folks brought m a bunny in case I wanted him. Very very sweet. My
cynicism can't compete.
Josqin added an extra dimension to my life, forced me to go out and ask
people to help care for him - Nomad folk, Suzanne - DJ/Buff - , and the
Karen connection, family pet, we talked a bit about that, and how much
I learned from being with him - communication, territory, friendship, what
matters, warm furry pets, liking him licking my hairy arm for hours. When he
got sick he wanted to be under the covers next to my body.
Okay - anyway - Josqin.
Western press lying like crazy about Russia - it makes me sick the
fairytale they convey. Georgia invaded, attacked, killed, leveled a town -
but the U.S. press call it a Russian invasion - no sense confusing the
ignorant US masses with the truth - Iraq is almost non-news, al-Qaeda is on
the run, we need a new bad guy - them damn Russkies!
Cocksucking pieces of shit.
++++++++++
Mon Aug 11.08
Weary again, after work, but pleased about Bear Valley hike yesterday,
beautiful August day in the woods brought back all sorts of memories of
summer days - right back to Charleston, to Larchwood Road, to Pittsburgh.
Having a sort of happy moment after work; Starry Plough for corned beef,
potatoes, carrots; there's a sort of relief, along with the sorrow and loss,
about the freedom from bunny responsibility; good weather, into most
exciting end part of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Home for chocolate pudding, stood by Josqin's grave. I'm in a state -
transitory - re his death still, don't forget it, go a little slowly, and
give myself time to adjust and heal. I'm a little raw.
Leave work early tomorrow to get Karen from airport, drive around
Berkeley, and to SF. Get itinerary and directions from email. Bring
sandwiches, cheddar bunnies, something for Xo to throw up in, voice
activated recorder which I have no use for, the book of prints.
Something is smelly. Use shoes? My imagination? Like ripe fruit... hmp...
Looking at older pics of myself in the photo album... I was getting the
double chin and putting on the pounds very soon after leaving Taylor and
getting a job - while I was with Lisa - getting thick in the body. That is
just me now. To what degree, and for what price, will I adjust to get where.
I have no real goal. Losing weight will never make me handsome or desirable
husband material. Get real.
rrrr... zzz... war in Georgia - another Bush fuckup. Everything he
touches... turns to shit...
Looked for Chae's email yesterday, couldn't find it anywhere... there's
probably a point there. I was just gonna ask if she was alive - alove -
around, yeah, but, right...
I imagine a woman's body to enjoy, explore, look at, touch, taste, smell_
but, without love... nothing, critical perception takes over - I remember
the first time I saw *** completely naked, just, undressed in the cottage, a
blur of flesh as the clothes came of in a blur, my mind's eye for a moment
judged - skinny, small tits, big hips - slender, reed-like - ew! - then that
vision was gone in a flash, effortlessly... and I was swept away with
friendly, lustful horny passions... lower she said, even lower...
1995?
++++++++++
Sun Aug 10.08 PM
Had a 1/2 cup of Peet's ~7:30 last night, wrecked my sleep - this morning
groggy and unhappy - dreams - trying to get to Pt Reyes. Buff/DJ asked me in
for brunch - very yummy, Raspberries and cantaloupe. Told them bunny at work
story, talked w/Buff re movies this bachelor week.
Cleaned out Vulvo trunk stuff from cottage, cleaned cottage a bit. Desk is
a bummer - always just a space to become cluttered. Not romantic image of
tortured artist writing masterpieces and famous letters to famous friends.
Put bunny stuff, food, cage stuff, brushes, water bottle out on sidewalk.
Felt pretty sad then. Josqin's not coming back. He's really gone.
Drove to Bear Valley - went through Nicasio route - on way back did
San Raphael shortcut. It must have been a long time since I drove to or
hiked Bear Valley - much looked unfamiliar. Tired from coffee night, rb'd,
it was okay - lots of memories trips, easily back to summer days in West
Virginia - looking back, saying goodbye, Josqin's death a reminder that we
all do die, and old times can never come back. Some sadness most of the
hike, but good to see the old hills and roads I used to travel and hike
regularly, like all the time, every weekend - Marin, with Shelley and Becky,
Chae.
Ate 1/2 turkey sandwich, apple, peanut energy bar. And a whole bag of
chocolate chip cookies on the way home! And at home - kettle popcorn. WF for
curry chicken, yogurt, chocolate pudding, two cantaloupes.
Sat: Yardsales - got some cool stuff: pillow covers, books, metal bunny
mold halves, Wallace and Grommit clock for Stacey, porcelain lamb head
decoration, books. Drop Iain's tea kettle gift of with Robbie and Liz (who has a
second Yahoo article coming up), Katie was in her car seat screaming for me
and we chatted a bit. Drop by printing press on MLK, discuss Atkins diet
with Richard extensively; sounds like we have similar metabolisms, and that
Atkins is difficult and requires a lot of discipline. Hmp.
Berkeley Farmer's market for incense, peaches... library for DVD drop-off,
pick up two more and picture books. Gas car, home. Pretty much for the
night.
This morning, can't find wallet. Stress! Why would it be anywhere but in
my pants pocket? When did I last see it? What did I do yesterday late
afternoon? I can't remember!! I'm retarded! Look everywhere, then start
emptying trash and going through everything slowly. Maybe it was that black
guy at the gas station who asked to borrow a tire iron. I hate that I have
that prejudice! Doesn't Obama signal the end of the Civil War? But that was
the last time I remember seeing my wallet - shit!
I have no money, no driver's license, no cards to get money. I'm
screwed! What about by the head of the bed? Yeah, last night I heard
something fall and didn't check it out!
My wallet! Thank god!
Enjoyable hike - though wish I wasn't tired, but some very nice moments
and perfect weather for it - sunny and warm, but not too hot and a perfect
breeze.
Putting up lots of Buzznet shots: bees, erotic flowers, Josqin death
stuff.
Good sleep tonight I hope. When do I go in Tuesday? Probably shouldn't at
all. We'll see if that Thai lunch on Thursday bought me any goodwill.
Was looking for a suit, or suit coat at the yard sales - went to a
Salvation army place on university, too. Nuthin.
Keep looking.
Bear Valley today. Forced myself to go even though my body was weary and
mind uninspired. My body handled seven hilly miles just fine. 10 would be no
problem. SF hills prepared me for climbs. I think I maybe looked bigger than
most of the people I passed. Lots of friendly smiles and helloes. Marin.
Damn. Where I belong, I suppose, lost in Whiteyville. Following the safety
corridor I pretend to despise, but rely on every day for my health and
safety. Obama understands.
Good to get out and clear the mind. Some lovely lovely light and scenery.
And occasionally it was very very quiet!
~1990
++++++++++
Sat Aug 9.08
Fri to work - relatively easy jobs. Feeling better, voice almost 100%.
Yesterday morning dream, police come to my house which is back door of
Larchwood Rd basement, accused of child molestation, polite but serious lady
cop, I have a vague notion of what might have inspired the charges but not
person/event-specific, to the station - scared, I know what they do to
accused child-molesters, booked at a desk with another dark-haired young hip
guy, we start down darkened stairs into pitch black, below street-level,
into the earth. I'm afraid, alone, frightened - telling folks there's no
truth to it, that I think I can explain confusion, but how can I with no
specific charges? - hoping guy in front of me will find light switch at
bottom of stairs, wake up realizing what a nightmare! Scary, frightened - in
the dream - for my life and physical health, not expecting anything but
brute hostility, bullying, beatings. No control at all over circumstances.
No Sympathy.
Maybe I should read The Trial.
Probably unconscious fears around the time I spent with X&K. Hmp. These
days one always feels one is being watched and suspected in those
situations. I trust that my actions and demeanor, and people's knowledge of
my inner workings, will speak for it self.
At work, dept head came in with flowers for co-worker who lost Uncle, and
a baby Dutch dwarf rabbit for me! That was an incredibly sweet gesture. A
little awkward since I said no, but we all took turns holding him, and
actually, I think my holding another bunny was somehow very healing... there
are other bunnies.
Sparked thoughts, esp this morning - because, when I got home yesterday, I
was overwhelmed by fatigue and passed out for an hour (after optimistically
setting my new nap timer for 20mins) - about what Josqin meant to me.
Not just a sick bunny I treated and comforted on my lap near the end:
The scared rabbit in the box Karen took home. The example she set by
taking a rabbit we all recognized as 'ours' even though it was Not A Good
Idea and Inconvenient! And I did not want a rabbit - I took him because the
rules of love required it - I had no room or experience, it was major
inconvenience, but that's how it goes and of course the return was beyond
words.
And, in the end, the love you take
Is equal to, the love you make.
The rabbit I hung out with at parties
Who flopped on his side in ecstasy
Who threw boxes off of high platforms
Who wedged his head beneath Karen's foot in the bathroom
Who loved baby carrots
Who chewed walls of the bathroom
Who was litter trained (who knew?)
Who stayed with me when K&I were out of town and kept Lisa & I awake
throwing around his metal toy with a disturbing bunny rhythm.
Who slowly, but surely - with focused organic increments - took over half
the bed, because fair is fair, it seemed - and still seems, to me. Why
should he stay caged for years, if he is safe and clean on the bed? And if
he has a space and defined abode on the bed, how can I kick him off every
night? And why should I, if it makes him happy, and if it makes me happy to
have him there. Although, at first, it alarmed some atavistic memories, with
a furry, sharp-toothed, territorial mammal living near my feet and my
precious, delicate, devourable toes. He wanted my space - he wanted as much
as he could get. Only my size kept it from becoming a real rabbit-fight. He
recognized that I simply outweighed him - I don't think the pets and food
counted for much - he wanted territory more than anything, and would
probably have thrown me off the bed if he thought he could have, and taken
his chances that I would still have fed him.
The pets and food were just icing. Although I do think he appreciated that
I set boundaries - This is MY side! - so there wasn't unsettled tension.
When I made the bed in the morning he ran from spot to spot growling - "My
side! My side!" - I thought it was a game he enjoyed, but it was a serious
game. It *was* his side and don't you forget it!
I learned a lot about communication and territory and.. just everything
from him. This is one of the great things about pets.
After 5 years I had a pet. After 10, maybe I get a relationship. If I want
it.
Who, when the time came, I took in to my home, because when the abandoned
lamb at the little farm I had bonded with with, when he needed a home I
didn't step forward: because there were problems with noise and space and
other people's opinions, because even though I loved him I was unsure I cold
make it work.
So, when Josqin needed a home, and no one else could take him, even though
I had deep doubts about my ability to keep a rabbit, I took him in because,
as I finally admitted to Karen and Suzanne, I loved him - and they said
"Then it will be fine, if you love him everything will be fine."
Ultimately I wasn't able to keep him alive, and I'll need to forgive
myself for that - and that forgiveness I trust to come naturally, because I
am not required to beat cancer, especially in other beings, especially in
rabbits with their fast metabolisms. He didn't die from hunger or heat.
He was not just a big part of my life because of the responsibility and
amount of time. He was part of my whole post-Taylor cottage growing learning
becoming a full human being experience. Learning what love and
responsibility is.
WF last night - thought I might hike early this morning, but no. Maybe
Nicasio tomorrow?
Today: Library (last night watched chunks Aguirre, and again with Herzog's
commentary - nice! Very cool.) Second hand store for nice clothes.
Arboretum. All kinds of things.
Russia retaliates on Georgia for them attacking a breakaway republic.
NATO, U.S., territory, oil, cold war - great story with vast implications, a
revitalized Russian! - and all the U.S. press can say is John Edwards fucked
some woman not his wife several years ago. And them bad, bad Russians are
attacking poor Georgia. The U.S. flying Georgian troops back home from Iraq
to fight Russia. Sounds like an act of war to me. But the U.S. press? Penis!
Penis! Penis! Fuck the news - Penis sells papers!!
I thought the other day, there is something seriously wrong, that my
lifestyle has led me to be at least 20 pounds overweight, and single, and
not working out or advancing knowledge of my career, treading water, sitting
on my ass, spending years online. Something wrong with this picture.
1980.
++++++++++
Thu Aug 7.08
Yest called in sick, Iain came to get me, I drove us to Target for
duffle bag, hang w/Robbie while Iain packs (Liz article on Yahoo), Fatapple's for bacon cheeseburgers/shared fries&choc
shake. Goodbyes, 4th
street for gift for R&L, then towards airport early - easy traffic and
airline counter experience. Sit for sushi, beer/coke, talk his new
job/house, me and Dad, me and Shelley - he asked why we broke up and I was
honestly stumped, not that I was unsure of my own weaknesses, selfishness
and foolishness, but because I couldn't nail 1 good reason, aside from
inability to communicate about the most important things when the shitstorm
hit. But looking back, looking at where we are presently, obviously we were
not looking for the same things. I could have pointed at this or that, but
it was out inability or unwillingness to overcome those things. After BC I
had serious doubts about the whole thing I think.
Anyway, somber farewells, mi casa es su casa re $.
Home, wired from coffee and sudafeds - still raspy voices, clearing
throat, snotty morning, but not so bad, and better now.
Nomad, laundry going across street, trunk stuff etc. Barely slept last
night, but - eh! Whatever. So was tired all day but made it through. Bought
everyone big Thai feast to make up for being flakey over last two weeks,
calling in sick and not focused on work. Obviously, family takes precedence,
and pet death, illness, ride to airport with child etc. So it was partially
to relive my sense of guilt, fears and all of the above, and it seemed to
work. Fun to be back having a big feast, lots of laughs.
Packing laundry, came on his new blue towel, which retained some of his
yeasty smell and nearly pushed me over the edge - so that's why I wanted to
clear and clean and launder so quickly after his death - to remove his
smell, the element that would hit most closely to the heart. Last night I
noticed and enjoyed the quiet, the solitude - not having to worry about the
fan being on or off, too hot too cold, does he have food water... am I
bugging him? Does he need attention? Constant, right there, never more than
10ft away, never out of earshot and hardly out of sight. His bunny smell -
rubbing my nose on his nose, rubbing my face on his fury flank - we liked
all that - the times we sat quietly forehead to forehead, focused, on his
football-shaped body, his soft grinding purrs.
He smelled really good, and in the end smelled yeasty but in a way I
liked. Strong. Sweet. And wanting a lot of attention and protection, burying
his face between body and arm, just like our first bonding at the snake
shop. I enjoyed being the caretaker in the end... only ~2 months! May...
June... July.. but I se the pics from late May and he looks pretty good - he
had some unsightly bald patches that marred his lovely coat, but not like in
the end where there was less fur than skin.
Nah... the decline came fast.. .cancer.. lose fur, lose weight...still
eating a lot, still the same rabbit. I miss holding and smelling him like we
did in the last month... we went through it together. I would have preferred
that he get better. Still working that bone. A lesson is a lesson whenever
it comes in life.
Getting near the end of Zen/Motorcycle - left off during visit/events, how
funny is that that it happened when Kare/Iain/Xo were here for their
granddaddies' memorial? Them being here balanced it with that sense of
happiness, and the shared experience - shared responsibility that carries so
many happy memories - them gone probably I will feel the loss more deeply,
as it should be.
No dinner last night after airport sushi - heater on 2 - mosquito net for
the eternal single mosquito - started organizing shots from Mann events for
Flickr. Get a Pro account? Sure, why not?
Only one polaroid/art nudes video has been removed from YouTube - the Bowl
overlap shots with Marta&Brit, and I assumed it was the frontal
nudity/pubes, but since none others have been called (and I pulled most down
from angrylambie,
while leaving them up on
Photographsandmusic for the experiment ) - I'm beginning to believe the
nudity was cool and it was the Ms Dynomite song? Should I put it back up
with music from Aguirre the Wrath of God? Digitize the DVD, keep the audio.
Iain recommended refurbishing/redesigning cottage. I brought it up to DJ
and she was positive. $2K and maybe ask the old man for a partial rent
break(?) - redesign so... it is more visually beautiful and less cramped -
almost have to be a bunk bed, right? And have to put some of my plastic
storage boxes of negatives, proof sheets, drawings, etc in storage. Then,
desk against the wall, good shelves, and a good medium-size fridge, so I can
eat at home more - that would be healthier and pay for the changes within a
year or two. Be realistic about what can be done. A bit more space. A usable
desk with drawers. Shelves.
Worth thinking about... look online and at library for small space
ideas... some small decorations would make a lot of difference.
Talked to work about mall or part of next Tuesday off to drive Karen
around - it'll be a long day, likely into the evening, better to have all
day if possible. Play it by ear. At least I'll probably be healthy/no
snotty.
Think about it, probably unrealistic, but - a comfortable chair to sit in
and read, a book shelf, a desk to type/write at... a fridge with good
food... the lack of comfort, now, the humble Spartan simplicity, keeps me
from feeling like the old man settled into his chair, disappearing into a
fading life, flickering out young... keep me edgy, keep me uncomfortable,
owning little, ready to go, ready for the adventure when it arrives...
This 2nd backup laptop from work is working fine - still a good idea to
pay $150 for parts and get the fan to fix the other? Sometimes I act like I
have $ to throw away. When friends are here, or on vacation, that feels like
the right time. If I'm going to enjoy my money, that is the time... with
friends... on vacation...
I don't miss work, but it was good to see everyone today, and to email
Charelle from NY who is at new job.
The photo albums are ready - this weekend? Why not?
Lots of stuff and contacts... I guess it was good that Josqin went while
there was a lot of socializing, so I was not alone and morbid, and K&I were
here who understood what it meant to me. Yes. His parents were in town. It's
tempting to think he waited till then - but it was simply a, helpful, lovely
and poetic coincidence.
Scanned a Julie Doucet for the front page. Put the $800 cash back in the
bank. Taking care of business.
1989
++++++++++
Tue Aug 5.08
Before all is forgotten...
Sat: Party @ Robbie/Liz's, Sooz, Jack, DJ, Buff, Tim, Wife, high school
friends of Iain's - Karen called in the morning, I offered to help get party
supplies, she said she'd come get me. Sooz was there to say pay respects
(with Buff & DJ) at Josqin's grave. I buried him Friday morning. That went
smoothly; I felt like I was doing a good thing, and it wasn't as emotionally
troubling as I'd expected.
I looked at him when I rewrapped him and his eye was closed, he looked
peaceful, even happy - like the times he flopped onto his side in ecstasy.
His ears were still soft and smooth. I took my time to make sure it was all
done in accordance with the love his family felt for him: wrapped him in the
white towel I'd been snuggling him in, his lamb doll friend looking on,
sliced bananas and apples, 4 big juicy carrots, greens, part of his
cardboard box house... I'd checked the front house, no one home, this was
something I needed to do alone.
But he wasn't mine; for the past 4 years his well-being has been mainly my
responsibility, and I had by far the most pleasure of his company, but he
was the Family Rabbit, Karen & Iain's 1st child, Xo's brother, nephew and
friend to Buff, DJ and Sooz.
Anyway - Saturday party: shopped at amazing Hopkins fruit & produce place,
Karen taking pics of the piles of colorful glory. Played with Xo&Katie in
the backyard while waiting ~3hours for the guests to arrive, naked in the
wading pool, playing with the hose, good times. Tim's wife is nice, lots of
good conversation, then hung out after for 2 hours talking, snacking - then
to Mongol with Brendan, Iain and another HS friend. Fun movie, but after I
practically lost my voice - a forced low rasp, my regular voice barely a
whisper. Slept badly, stuffed-up and coughing.
Sun: Slept in, Karen called ~ 1(?) about coming over for Josqin
respects, I walked down to Nomad for mocha, boiled years-old raman noodles
with a can of tuna fish. They arrived with Xo, Karen had wildflower seeds,
Iain played something (he'd written?) on DJs penny whistle. Xo really
enjoyed the blackberries, and we explained to her about Josqin - she asked
me if I still had a bunny, I said he got sick and died and I'd buried him.
Probably made not a lick of sense to her. Meaningless at 3, and she hadn't
spent enough time with him to feel a loss? Karen explained more. She seemed
subdued. I mentioned maybe since I have the cage and bunny supplies that I
might get a baby rabbit - that brought he out of it.
Then they said come spend the day with us and come to dinner. Hung
downtown - barely able to talk, bummed that I was sick when they were
visiting. I sat in car while they ran here and there. Iain hung with me
while Xo slept, and filled me in on some of his interesting family history.
I've observed bits and pieces, but think I get it pretty well now. Friends
came by, Liz came by with Katie. We drove to Totland park and played on
swings, spider wed, slicky slide; Richard came by. That was fun. Park with
the kids in fun.
Home to Rob/Liz's for pasta/salad (by Karen) dinner with Mica/Alfonso.
That was fun, too. A good day, esp considering I was not well. At home
loaned them comforter Buff/DJ gave me, assured them I did not need the car -
%100 sure. No, that was Saturday night? Friday? Fuck. Comforter must have
been ... Thursday night after Gilmore Girls.
Sun night Mica&Alfonso drove me to NBerk BART and I took that home. No
prob.
Mon: called in sick and basically spent the day in bed. Got out
~1-2? Walked flat-tired bike to Missing Link, stopped at Long's for meds and
Peet's for mocha meds. ML guy pumped tire, said my pump might be faulty.
Biked home, more time in bed. ~8 biked to WF for soup & yogurt.
Tue: Work - that was fine, though my voice was shot. Maybe should
have stayed home in bed? Charelle in NY quit; she was sweet, I'll miss her,
and who knows maybe even stay in touch, after all our inappropriate IM'ing
and personal sharing. That'd be neat.
Bike/WF for salad tonight - no energy - called in sick - see if I can se
doc tomorrow morning? Probably lunch with Iain and drive to airport for fun
and to spend time. Felt like there was hardly any good-bye with Karen - so
much going on. And I'm going to see them When I get them from airport to SF
in a week or so.
Having them in town I think balanced some of the terrible downer about
losing Josqin. But may be temporary -maybe be tears to shed. Don't suppress.
Marge sent a nice card. Get some photo albums this weekend? Brunch?
9:38pm. Sleep. Watch parts of Man Who Fell To Earth.
++++++++++
Fri Aug 1.08
Went to work yesterday, distracted and a bit sick (from suppressed
emotions?), and really cranky until I left - needing to be away from people
- irritated by real or perceived intrusion. Getting really cranky. Soon as I
left felt better, and better still at home after yogurt and OJ. Even though
it was uncomfortable, it was good to go in and get everything in order,
enabled me to call in sick today without having to worry about next week.
Sooz/K&Xo picked me up ~6:30 - met Iain at Sooz's for pizza and 5th season
GG - Logan's dad and such. Played with Xo - fresh from train ride - walked
in the garden and Lisa gave us green beans. Xo is very good about, in the
car, saying she's going to throw up and waiting for a cup, holding it
neatly. A super neat person.
After, loaned KIX comforter B&DJ gave me, and gave leftover pizza to B/DJ.
Nomad now - mocha, muffin and paper. Feels like Saturday. After, bury
Josqin. Ask front house for a little privacy for that. Includes banana,
apple, piece of his cardboard box house, cracker, a splash of water, Karen's
pink blanket. Some of his favorite things.
I'm remembering the times we sat face-to-face, trying to figure each other
out, figuring out a language, of thumps, and body language, trial-and-error,
"Do you like this?" If he threw it on the floor, he didn't want it. His body
language of contentedness or tension were pretty obvious. Living in a small
place like the cottage, in the same bed, we got to know each other and give
each other space, or tried to. A lot of little things, one could never be
100% sure the understanding was correct, so you had to do the best you
could, step back and let the big picture, bigger than the conscious mind -
intuition and more - do its thing. I couldn't control it - the relationship,
just do the best I could and watch for signs of it being good or bad.
Overall he seemed pretty happy, and I was to, in spite of losing half the
bed, because the trade-of was the friendship and companionship.
Learned a lot, about territory, about thinking I know what's best, about
communication and affection.
So...a busy week or so:
Thu: Prep for KIX and airport pickup
Fri: Palo Alto camera shop w/K
Sat: Mann family gathering/picnic
Sun: Mann memorial service with memorable Xo and Katie walk along
the water: dogs, boats, parks
Mon & Tues: Fly to LA to train, meet Laine at Fox studios,
earthquake, home to find Josqin dead
Wed: Called in sick Tues pm - sit at home a lot in mild shock
Thu: Work, GG at Sooz's, call in sick Fri
Fri: Today, bury the bunny and chores (renew prescriptions, videos
to Reel, start getting back to normal)
Of things I like in my life, esp around my home, I like the skylight and
coming home to a warm mammal - this morning I felt like losing Josqin was a
like the skylight being boarded up. A little less light in my life.
I'm a bit embarrassed by this emotional, melodramatic stuff, but, 1.) it's
normal and okay and 2.) It's the first time I've lost a close pet, so this
is all new to me. Eric says he remembers every one of his rabbits. It is not
easy. A big change. A big pleasure gone.
Another picnic tomorrow, and a brief get together at Josqin's grave, bunny
memorial service. He had a lot of personality. Get some nice flowers today
for the grave. He's still in the fridge. I need to do this, get over it, so
I can move on. Three days is about right maybe? Three days wait before the
burial. A Buddhist funeral. Remember his life. Burn some incense.
Anything else? It's not about Josqin. He had a good life. He is gone now.
It's about the pain in the people left here without him. Not about any one
of us. Let it be.
Woke up congested - thick globs of mucus - grawkk-k!! Tuh! Bleagh.
No - no plans - today is Josqin day still - do my things, but no point
trying to move on or escape - it will happen on its own.
What are those 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression,
Acceptance.
I must have - in spite of my hopes - been pretty prepared for this - esp
when it turned out he'd lost 1/2 a pound in 3 weeks - no mistaking what that
was about. Soon as I saw him laying there, there was no doubt - some anger
the first day, at myself, and defensive guilt - Bargaining? I dunno, was
that when I thought about getting another rabbit - was that denial?
Depression, yeah, sure - or sadness - not the same. Acceptance will truly
come when I put him in the ground. A moment I am putting off for the moment
- but - at noon maybe? That would be nice.
++++++++++
Wed Jul 30.08
Whew - probably over worst of it, initial shock - living in such a small
place Josqin and bunny accoutrements took up a lot of space: Cage,
bags of bedding and food, straw, hay, carrots and greens in fridge,
banana/popcorn/crackers in cupboard. Dolls, towels, medicine, 2 large
carriers, litter boxes and big bags of litter.
Dug grave in main backyard succulent plot, watered in for an hour or so,
~2ft deep. Will include carrots, banana & apple slices, shredded remains of
Karen's pink towel, chunk of his cardboard house. He loved his box. It was
pretty sad imagining putting him in the earth.
Practice for humans.
They said, after 5 years you can have a pet, after 10 a relationship. It's
been 10, and I've been craving human companionship. This may be an opening
and opportunity.
I mean, I love my rabbit but - oh you kid!
Throat sore - psychosomatic?
Mostly stayed in the cottage - chatted with Buff re location, his car
break-in. Moved bunny stuff into "kitchen" area. Vacuumed cottage, made bed,
flipped futons - all fresh and clean.
Noisy raccoons rummaging outside.
Considered going downtown to eat, or to Tilden - but, with what car? Joke
was on me. Biked to WF, feeling weak and spiritless, for chicken noodle
soup, OJ, yogurt. Headed to produce section, but with nothing to buy now.
The adjustments will happen organically. Nothing I need to do I don't think.
Okay - get over it. I mean, don't draw more attention to myself than
necessary. I need to take care of myself internally. Almost buried him
tonight, but want to offer Karen/Sooz opportunity to add something to burial
gifts. The more I think on it, the happier I am K&I are here. It's very good
that they were here when it happened, so they can be involved and experience
their mourning/healing more directly. And, as Karen said, it's good that he
died naturally, and we didn't have to go through having him put down.
Trying to think of all the positives, to keep from crying about how much I
will miss him, and how I don't want him to be dead. Go on and cry - get it
all out. It's sad, and I'll miss him, he was great, and a friend, and I
loved him.
How will I get to Sooz's tomorrow? Straight there from work? Karen drive
me home?
Gonna do a Advil PM tonight - wanna be prepared for work.
++++++++++
Wed Jul 30.08
Well, feeling not so good about Josqin - shaky - tears waiting to be shed
- the Toren mourning methods - stormy...
...so many things, I keep thinking of all the stuff I need to do for his
upkeep - water, turn on fan, get supplies, feed - suddenly realize there's
no need anymore. Shock and numbness - like, what's next? What else do I not
need to do.
My first pet I was exclusively to care for, and first death. I am unused
to it. 54, and my first death. Hmp. Humans next.
Realizing there really will never be another Josqin Lapin. That makes me
very sad. He was so great.
Cage smelled funky last night, so I put it outside.
It might just as well have happened while I slept or worked. Feel guilty,
like I let him - and Karen - down - should have taken him to vet sooner.
Should have been here, near. Emotional, irrational. Give it time.
Woke up thinking maybe I should go to work rather than sit home and
wallow, but decided it was better not to have to deal with a lot of people
while distracted and sad. Mourning in public uncomfortable for everyone.
Plus I'm tired from long Mann family event weekend, LA training and Laine
visit (and earthquake!) - stayed in bed till ~11am after spotty sleep,
tormented by the single mosquito who ruins all our rest. It's always -
always - just one mosquito.
Laundry done across the street - go fold when done here at Nomad. Ate,
blog'd and bulletined on my MySpace page, emailed everyone on Yahoo who knew
him, Buzznet - Shelley put up a really nice
memorial photo of her her bunny mourning for Josqin.
Clean out the cottage - don't wallow - bury him soon - keeping him in the
fridge is weird - clean the cage, vacuum the corner, chose the burial place
I feel best about - in front of the window comes to mind. Accept others'
ways of mourning, but politely define my territory. Bunnies are territorial.
Unwanted advice can be politely declined.
Fold laundry. Clean cottage. Craig list the bunny supplies?
Should I get another bunny?
No plans today. Tilden solitude might be right. Decided against kl - today
is not a day to kill feelings. Eat. I'm a little shaky. Eat and move slowly
and deliberately as necessary. Get out for fresh air and sun. I thought
Josqin's death would make me feel a loss of connection with K&I, but I'm not
feeling that. Just my personal loss. I am feeling Karen has first claim to
decisions, as his mother. Glad Sooz got to see him Saturday, and that K&I
are in town to be here for it. That is a comfort I think for us all. We can
talk tomorrow, Thursday, at Gilmore Girls night.
Okay.
Josqin Lapin, 2000-2008.
++++++++++ |
