Wrench off the digital media delivering face-hugger

+++++++++++
 Fri Mar 19.10 Oakland airport.
 Happy 56th Birthday to me! Good job. No regrets - I like where I am and, as Alex Chilton - Rest His Soul and Thank you for all the great music and memories! - said, "I didn't know what else to do." I like where I am.
 Mixed up LA arrival and Oak departure times - had to get Buff up an hour early - sorry! damn it! how could I make that mistake!? - but we got here with plenty of time to spare, light traffic, pleasant conversation as always - I like these morning drives to the airport, being driven or driving - arrived at the departure gate @9:15, hoo-haa.
 Still had time for Nomad espresso, great bm aided by husks (very important - esp after vk constipation), vit-C packs, banana, fresh ground almond butter on whole grain bread, more digestive aid and a cup of yogurt in the back yard. I actually wound up having time to relax and chill and enjoy the beautiful morning in spite of losin the hour - packing was hectic to say the least -  just, shove it all in. Skipping relaxants - slept well-enough, and don't want to add to spaciness.
 Busy work week, but managed to get plane tickets, reasonable hotels for tonight and Saturday night in the neighborhoods recommend by Karen - though I think Best Western doesn't have free wifi, so, but got cell phone, camera, laptop, and all necessary plugs and batteries/chargers. Change of clothes, sweater and heavy shirt/coat/scarf for cols nights. Hats, toothbrush, toothpaste deodorant, skin moisturizer.
 Yes. Thank you.
 Time to board.
 Smooth flight, 15min wait for shuttle, easy walk to Chinatown hotel. Sis Joan called to say Happy Bday. Karen wants to hang, have to arrange that around Laine tonight. Chill. It'll work.
+++++++++++
 Sun Mar 13.10 Nomad
 Yest all knotted up and unhappy - borderline depressed - not so unusual for Saturday, the unwind day - cooked onions/bell peppers/eggs breakfast, Nomad reading fat Dien Bien Phu history till noon. Backyard (small amount of front) weeding, mainly oxalis. Looks good, satisfying results, dirt under the fingernails - beautiful day - a bit cold for hiking. Chopped a large succulent cluster into a sort of oval hedge around the rosemary. Cool fun.
 Couple of 1/8 vks to chill the mind telling me I must get out and do something!! Might have helped, but not w/serenity. I blame lack thereof on "breakup" w/L/remerging sense of isolation after 6mos daily connect. movement, growth, development. Also stress of learning new program at work, and cottage tension.
 Work up this morning feeling very unhappy! Clear dreams - been dreaming and remembering dreams lately - a good thing I think: Ordering a cake. Trying to find the cause - none of it quite makes sense - not even SAD/winter/cold - , which worries me, thinking what if It's a "mental" issue? What if I've gone - or will eventually go - crazy?!?
 Then remembered the salt/sugar craving last night, and eating half the bucket of chocolate pudding, plus a bunch of popcorn, plus an Oatmeal Stout. Sugar! Yes, of course. I recognize the feeling - sugar hangover, duh! When will I ever learn
When will I evvvv-err learn?
 Made an espresso and felt immediately better - helped with "digestion" (which is stopped by the vk). Nomad for egg/ham/wheat toast breakfast sandwich. Dude - watch the diet. remember in England last time, the bad/sad/teary mornings and hyper afternoons were always post-sugar intake. Get a grip.
 WF ~4 - fruit and the usual, but also $3 worth of white fish. Fried at home with olive oil sautéed onions, sea salt/fresh ground pepper - mm-MM good!
 The Wild Bunch w/Buff - great film!
 Was trying to pin morning unhappiness on stress of buying hotels and plane tickets for trip to LA/new app at work - but reminded myself I WANT those things. It's Good. I'm not being forced to do those things, any more than I'm being forced into life. One does not get to make every, or even many, decisions in life. So, it's all the good - I looked around and saw I wanted everything I have, yet was still depressed - then I remembered the sugar.
 Wise up about sugar - it's a negative downer force in my life, like alcohol was. Even more insidious in some ways. Wrecks my joy, my balance, my mornings.
 It's good to have occasional reminder - but, you know - I'm a 55-fucking year old adult - made it hard watching The Wild Bunch, about men growing old and feeling useless - and I can make these decisions not to do things that make me feel crappy and waste my time on earth unnecessarily.
 Sugar blues, yeah!
 Daylight savings started - it says 9:48. Laundry is done, groceries put away, yard weeded. May-beee - Pt Reyes, or even the Russian River loop, more backroads?
 Just do it - InDesign, LA, be tired, be hungry, relax, have a shower, drive where I want - it's all good. Somebody up there likes me.
 I was also getting painfully nostalgic about Ann Arbor (after posting Sentimental Lady vid to fb), then wanting to escape to Davis - missing the romance/sex of my youth I'll bet - as if those events were in any way superior to my current life. Just wanting a little pf, a little escapism from daily stresses, though mine are so small, and mainly all good for me - learning InDesign, flying to LA to visit Karen/Laine/Xoxo. Doing new things I have not done much before - fear of fucking up/appearing incompetent, being incompetent. Despite loads of evidence that in most things I am at least tolerably competent! Just like everyone else, dreaming of a stress-free life - ha ha ha - but keep a fucking perspective - this life is fucking fabulous! Keep upbeat - keep smiling - drink espresso. Life is good! I'll be okay.
+++++++++++
 Fri Mar 12.10 Nomad pm
 Laundry going across the street.
 I may be experiencing a bit of survivor's guilt around still having a job? Also the rainy/cold weather.
 Also the being on my own again, after "end"(?) of intense period of online reconnect - 6 months for heck's sake, washed and sloshed and knocked around. It was the real deal, but we saw it coming and it came. Every move I was photographing, filming, sharing. I may never have opened up to anyone as much as I did Aug-Jan.
 Pretty.
 Intense.
 Over. Was tempted to go after some other, attempt to recreate, but saw that was a losing prop.
 Skipping the vic - not sure I like the fuzziness and down-y-ness this dark, cold time of year. Trying to keep food right, but snacking on cereal and eating heavy chicken/fish lunches, not salad. Some cleansing tea - down to 201 this morning, but have been up to 203, which is up 5 pounds from oral surgery days of lean eating and..? And vicodin appetite suppressant?
 All re-excited Maltese Flacon dork the last two nights. Sleep half-decently - uneven, but feel good and at peace. The reconnect, not sure if it changed me, set of a fever during the long August flu and ended during heavy dental work and vicodin days. But it broke open some ice - I just had to stop investing when it looked to my best judgment obviously out-of-control and unfettered to the earth. There was no next step to take it to. Looking back and analyzing or trying to explain or even set blame seems utterly pointless - we discussed what we were feeling/thinking in-depth every step of the way, organically moving across the same pages, washed in the same wave - then somehow, inevitably, we tried to direct and control and use it - not so much me, maybe, but only because I have no other person to consider. Looks to me like we did the best we could. Nothing about the way it faded seems unduly surprising.
 Started the InDesign project at work - I can nail it - a bit stressed and embarrassed about the difficulties, but, yeah, I can do it. A lot of it looks familiar and a lot is intuitive/similar to Photoshop, etc. Cool. Okay. I'm down. Good to learn.
 What else? Not much. Bailed on visiting w/Karen's friend last night - tired, and don't know the area she lives in, and didn't want to drive back to Berkeley in the dark then back to her place. But, maybe some daytime chat sometime. Keep it simple, keep it light. Bailing last night was the right thing to do.
 Readjusting to "nothing" going on - there was the reconnect, dentist stuff, a significant departure from work and resultant schedule change, even a bit of conflict over cottage heat and light - not to make too much of it all. I just note now, it's quiet. I'd like some pf and long spring hikes. This weekend...? I could do the coast, or museums, or both. Eric and Deadwood?
 Fly to LA next weekend - down Friday, hang out and chill, Saturday w/Karen/Xoxo/family, maybe some of Sunday, too. Was stressing yesterday - hate going someplace I don't know and can't get around easily, but I'll manage. get some maps. Bring cash for cabs and a charged cell phone, call Laine to maybe visit Friday or Sunday? Excited to see Karen & Xo. This weekend - nada - maybe a good time to spend two days on the coast - I think DJ said there's something happening in one of the small Hwy 1 towns.
 Almost done with Henry and June. Feverish, revealing, an erotic page-turner. Can see why it was a big deal during early feminist/sexual revolution 70s. Now I think I must read Tropic of Capricorn.
+++++++++++
 Mon Mar 8.10 Nomad 8:15
 First time on new work schedule hanging at the Nomad - see if it's worth it, or too rushed.
 Was the shower yesterday, or Saturday? Yesterday was weird - body and mind detached; slowed down and used caution so I didn't forget something important or do something stupid. 1/8v.
 Weird digestive issues - stuffiness - lots of gas, esp at night. Something in the salad? Have I changed something without realizing? Brown rice? Feel like something's stuck. May be time for digestive tea.
 Digestion is the word to use in polite society.
 Lovely day, took Marshall-Petaluma to Petaluma - stopped at Peet's for coffee beverage and directions - it's D St goes back to Pt Reyes, but it hits the road to Nicasio much quicker. Hill and field beginning to show color and bursting with the anticipation of Spring - desire, impatience- learn to love waiting. Exquisite yearning.
 Buff saw the light note. I wasn't 100% positive I'd left it on, but he confirmed and we agreed not to worry about the pennies involved.
 Lots of mental gyrations, but they didn't keep me from enjoying the day - winding narrow roads through lovely valleys and over steep hills bordered by flat, green cow fields. Lots of green! Good. It's finally in my DNA to get out in March in particular to appreciate and enjoy the fleeting greening of the hills.
 Yesterday's mind-fuck seemed to have to do with feeling I somehow don't deserve the pleasures others do - I now the background there - yesterday, sitting at Rancho Nicasio with a Diet Coke, peanut butter crackers and a disappointingly pg-13 pirate romance novel, I had this clear vision of me as a child - of the universe/ - born into this world innocent and deserving - then you run into "reality" and learn "lessons" - but I felt myself clear and pure. Before. Interesting. And during the day think I was looking at all the god things I have, though mixed messages of course, I have a car, but it's an old car, I have a cool cottage, but it's very small. Recent events brought up the "You don't deserve it." feeling in a big way - I recognize it as a neurosis, it's not about the people who events that brought it out into the open, I know that, but it was right here and before my eyes quite clearly, and clearly seen as an event I learned, with no reality outside my perception, and I thrashed it, looked straight at it, blew fresh air and light through it, said "No" that's not true - I deserve everything I have. Simple. Pure. Period.
 And it's not of any interest to anyone but me. We all have our row to hoe. I care not about yours, and I would make myself a bore to share mine with others, esp unasked. Say it here. Where, maybe, it gives some hope and comfort. At a moment when someone needs to feel they are not alone.
 What impressed/surprised me - in spite of feeling disturbingly off-balance - was my ability to look at it, come up with vomit, to be observed and spewed out - to release my embrace, not define myself by old misperceptions. Let it go. Get over it.
 There was daddy issues, and family, because I got the message at school, in the neighborhoods, and at home. I was to be left behind. Did not have what it takes. And that hurt. Abandoned. but what could they do? It wasn't personal. And any mean feelings involved are merely human. Cant despise the human race because my sibs weren't saints. And yes, it would be worth getting over, for the sake of my own enlightenment. Don't hang on to old pain and fear out of price. Step out. Move forward.
 Learn to walk. Then run. Not an over-abundance of caution, but don't forget to tie my shoes before taking off.
 What did the bumper sticker say? 'Cry yourself a river. Build a bridge over the river. And get over it.' I tired something like that during the day.
 So why was yesterday so weird? Pollen? Longer warmer days? Snapping from fear of job insecurity back into routine with several changes (teaching myself InDesign). Recent energy-related conflict forcing me to assert my independence from a paternalistic relationship? I dunno. Not worried. It was just - weird. I didn't feel quite myself.
 Some of the Psychoanalysis ideas in Henry and June shook me up. New perspectives. Deep dives. But without echoes of adolescent melodrama.
 Hmp. 8:40. Espresso. This is good. This is what's in my mind. No one has to like it. Why should anyone care?
 Stopped at a peak looking down at Petaluma about 15 miles away; thought about sharing massages and more with Becky. Surprisingly intense fantasies. Didn't know. And have been feeling that sex without love - which I always thought I wanted - was just not mine to have, and not really desirable, to use someone like a tissue then leave. Ugh. So what? Gross! Yeah, but tell it to a 20-yr-old.
 Okay. 8:49. Internet - leave at 9 - 15min to get home and leave for BART. See how this works.
 After Marin, stopped at Berkeley Marina for end-of-sunset. Nice.
+++++++++++
 Sun Mar 7.10 Nomad
 Woke ~4am for an hour of internet but feeling bad about something - not sure what - something unresolved. More sleep, up again at 9 still somewhat sundered, not so bad really - long hot shower washing off 3 days. Banana. Coffee cake and espresso will help.
 Yest headed to Petaluma to do the North Marin backroads. Left book with detailed map at home. Super! Strolled downtown, a big cool antique shop and chatted with the WWII history folks downstairs about model tanks for Eric. Up steep hill to a park and down backways parallel street to Petaluma History Museum which was pretty cool. Hi-Tech burrito was edible, and Peet's slushy mocha was extra fine.
 I noticed ~1/2way up how good I was feeling, no, how Great I was feeling. Maybe the Spring weather, rich green grass and wildflowers, not a care in the world, such a very lucky guy Great. "Why?" I briefly wondered, then remembered the 1/4 vicodin I ate before leaving. Those 2x-strentgh puppies. Next time try and 1/8. Hmp.
 Is this morning and last night unease the v-hangover?
 No privacy in this world, none at all.
 Cut across the freeway to check out the empty Petaluma Adobe - pretty cool. Not as cool as San Juan Baptista Mission! How long was that drive? Could do that again!
 Down to 37, across the San Raphael. Berkeley Comics&Comics, got some old stuff, chatted with them about getting the whole set of 11 Vigil Faust. Pg-13 hentai, three Marshall Laws, Kirby/Colleta Thor from my childhood, Comic Classics Frankenstein, hard cover Strange modern comic artists doing old-time super heroes. ~$40. I blame the vicodin, but also I wanted this stuff.
 Beautiful, relaxed day.
 Home, Reel to drop off Dogville and Who live at Isle of Wight, pick up two noirs. WF: bread, oranges, cheese, boxed salad, fruit, soup for dinner. Watched first 1/4 of Kiss me Deadly (?).
 Eat less. Exercise more. Good weather is here, I dodged the immediate bullet, mentally I'm pretty good and solid, financially sound - and good weather is here. Now - I have a list of things I want to do: art museums, train trip, Cambridge/England visit, Norway. Do them. Screw the cost. Now is the time. Plan. Arrange. Be smart. I can do this. This is my life.
 Yes. Thank you. I had what I think was a brief glimpse yesterday, on a narrow backroad, keeping an eye on cars coming the other way for a crazy unexplained death, and had a brief "No! I want to live!", Thanatos has no appeal moment. I wonder, being as during (1997) DUI, my concern was for a destroyed means to escape (Toyota), and guilt over my actions threatening other people's lives, killing my friend. For myself I seemed unconcerned, and that was pointed out to me by an AA guy. "What about you? You could have died?" I could have just spit out, "So what?" Had my whole life till then been a big spiteful suicide bid to guilt-trip parents, family and everyone else who snubbed me and made me feel unworthy?
 Maybe. :-D
 The long farewell, of the hunger strike. If I can't get what I want I won't have any of it!
 And Anais Nin has some interesting stuff to say about sexual obsession and impotence.
+++++++++++
 Sat Mar 6.10 Nomad
 Ooh, and yeah, connected to people (at work) who got me this cool laptop for super cheap and help w/upkeep, and why? Because I'm nice to them, genuinely appreciative of their support and of them as people. And for a while w/Nomad people, emptying out my Taylor shit and the Robert Boxes from Karen & Iain, esp after they left - the cottage was jammed with many boxes of their history - a lot went to Europe - Norway/Germany -  friends, strangers, sidewalks, Nomad, work - that was fun! - I was apparently a tiny bit out of my mind, or was I just losoe and free, in the same way that made perfect sense of sharing half my bed with Josqin - it could not have been any other way, what was the alternative? Saying no to Robert Boxes? To spreading out the love. Saying no to Josqin? I Loved having Josqin in bed with me. Those were cool years, his warm brown furry frightening mammal body sleeping by my feet all night, running up to get this morning pets. Josqin fucking rocked.
 Morning espresso - woo!
 Took a mere week for the shock of losing work person to mainly pass. That is, adjusting to the new routine and finding the good and bad in it. 1-hour shift back Tuesdays so I can rock Rome w/Sooz. Friday back to the old way, 8-4:30, so off early for the weekend. It's all good. Thu & Fri were really slow! I started watching InDesign videos on Adobe Web site and YouTube. Cool. Also need to work the 2007 laptop. Shock is over.
 I am putting pounds back on - up from avg morning 198  to 203. 5 lbs! Eating more now that Dental work is past, and also seem to be eating more sugar/snacks/work breakfast cereals, cheese. Partially being past the dental consciousness, and maybe "comfort" food in last months of winter. At any rate, will need to renew consciousness, now without post dental field.
 Today - relax - the idea of Bragg always comes to mind, but the expense and effort - welll... but I would enjoy it. Anyway, can't do it every weekend can I? Maybe try the camp/tent thing this summer!? Sure! Cheaper than a hotel, and fun! More places, and further from the city as well, esp now I know how to bring food with me and make coffee over an open fire. Hmp. Keep the food/cooking thing going, but watch the intake!
 Yes. Today. Relax. Day trip. Reyes? Sure, why not? Do a museum someday to, I have the fucking membership if I'd ever fucking use it!
+++++++++++
 Fri Mar 5.10 wk
 Came in Fri 8-4:30. M-Th 10-6:30. Tues 9-5:30. Okay.
 Changes - no more SF Chron M-Th - getting more reading done - Henry and June is titillating and insightful, a printed New Yorker Nabokov short story - maybe print more short ones from the Web?
 Eating changes - breakfast at home, so fewer hard-boiled egg breakfasts, salads instead - that's probably good. Smaller dinners. Feel good about the $6 Lee's Chinese noodles/chicken/fish/veggies lunches - better than the Specialties' $10 mainly lettuce salads (plus cookie). Lee's is cheaper and healthier - good deal.
 Like last years eating $30 meals at restaurants throughout North Beach and Berkeley, Specialties was partially a matter of trying out that lifestyle - upper-middle class,  just above mine, slightly better suburbs, further from my blue collar roots. Now, having tried it, I'm done, and perspective gained, and ability to determine value to me, has been beneficial. So many things I don't need.
 Very cold last night, slept with sweatshirt on, left heater on this morning at very lowest setting.
 Swinging between looking at the big picture, re energy cop business, and feeling 'checked on', feeling like my needs are not considered important. Buttons pushed. There is a valid point. Then I come home to see lights on, and back window open, and the double-standard hits all my buttons again. Cooler about it today. This week has been tense, with the new hours, one less person, work changes - it's okay to be angry and have disagreements, but try to keep a clear eye on it and don't break things in trying to fix things. It's a simple matter of money, not a moral or personal thing - so, barter the hundred of dollars and hundreds of hours I've spent on yard work - some people get rent cuts for that kind of thing - that sweat equity should earn me the ability to come home to a light on and an edge taken off the chill. The idea that, during the dead of winter, I should accept coming home to a dark icebox, to save $20 a month - WTF!? - that perspective ignores and devalues the improvements I've made to the property. Grrr.
 Okay.
 Long birthday weekend Fri 19-Mon 22 - in Dan Diego? 2-3 days to hang with Xo and Karen & family, many of whom I know now and enjoy. Maybe get some valiums? Breath deep. Those situations make me tense and hyper-sensitive. Valium of 1/2 - 1/3 atenolol as necessary. Chill, and I will enjoy it more. I want to enjoy it. Eat protein.
 Been sleeping well and digestion has been good lately. Fell like my body was fighting off some bug this week - better today. Washing my hands a lot and eating lots of vitamins may have helped through flu season. Reading a lot - maybe because I'm past the oral surgery aftermath? Noticed the inner lower-lip blister I used to get has gone away, and maybe I feel healthier overall - like fewer body aches - used be be driving gave me an uncomfortable lower-backache. Hmp. Do a Google search.
 Okay. Friday, payday, weekend. Now what? Reno? Coast? Hang at home. Whatever I like. Cool. Good days. Routine, but active and healthy. Nice. Job feel secure again for the moment. Okay.
 Fast-forwarded through Dogville last night - eh! Have some live Who waiting for tonight.
 Yes - obvious to me now - 95% sure the renewed blogging is because I'm no longer in daily contact w/someone.
+++++++++++
 Thu Mar 4.10 home bed
 Woke up from intense dream, driving, walking, vaguely recognizable towns - to car in Davis driveway, Marge/LaFreniere's in back, I'm hoping they don't notice so I can drive away, but they see and slowly come down towards the car, and in the crowd and slow, old people, quietly conversing amongst themselves, then we are in a classroom (?), different people there as well, arranging a schedule, asking if it's okay if they leave early, leaving m along with the work, abandoned, left behind, I et angry, barely control it, say isn't so and so supposed to be here at 10? (It's 1pm). Oh, I say, I forget it's Thursday not Friday, he doesn't get in till 2. Work schedule conflicts mixed in with being left behind neurotic anxiety. I take it personally. Scars of a loud, hyperactive, goofy-looking child - avoided by the other kids, not brought to the drive-in, or invited to parties. Understandable now, but all I knew then is "I wasn't the kind of person people like.: I got that message loud and clear and have carried it with me since.
 But truth is it wasn't personal, I treated others the same way, it was normal human reaction, not malicious or argeting me personally our of meanness. I think I remember parents making other kids let me go along. Understandable also, that currently I have bad feeling about this and not like being reminded by attending family gatherings. And even be over-sensitive to real, and perceived, slights. At home, they trend towards being real. But so what? We all have our scars. None of us got out of that family what you'd call real mentally healthy.
 Anyway - ooh, defenses up! - yes, I can see how being left behind at work, how normal office politics, push my being left-behind, being rejected buttons. Neurotic anger, not at them - "Neurotic means it's not about you." - but at myself for whatever was wrong with me that left me alone and isolated as a child.
 But so what? There's millions more like me. I am not alone in the experience. Nothing special. Being troubled, ugly, difficult doesn't earn me a crowd of human helpers to hold my hand through life. Get a grip. Grow up. Move on. Get over it. Help come to those who help themselves.
 Pop dream.
 Okay - slept till 7:45. 1.5 hours till I leave. BART more crowded if I left work straight to the train.
 Get over the cottage issues. Don't force it and create even more tension. I love this place and it's worth working this thing through calmly. Last night came home noticed front house lights on and back window open. Considered making a point of the double standard. But, find another less confrontational solution. I have been prickly this week with the schedule changes and work friend gone. Abandonment issues? Why did she leave? Still, the energy cop stuff is going over badly. I live in a small, small space; coming home to a dark icebox is not desirable; most people leave a light on, and leave the heat on low to keep the chill off. It's not a luxury - though in my case, it's feeling like it - Yes, let the guy living in a shed, during the coldest, darkest winter days, enjoy the luxury of coming home to a light, and a little warmth, even if it means paying a little extra per month.
+++++++++++
 Mon Mar 1.10 home in bed
 Well, this isn't bad - sleeping in - alarm set @7:15. Slept well. Lv @9:15 for work. 10-6:30. It's the new way.
 Yest drove towards Marin backroads, anxious, afraid, irritated about work changes - fewer workers, more stress and work for us. Plus just the reminder, in my face, that we can make small decisions about how we live, but the big decisions are made higher up, all getting down to the penny-pinchers and bean counters.
 Headed towards Petaluma, then decided I needed to see Eric in SR. Stop by, then north on 101 to Healdsburg, steep windy, sometimes single-lane backroads over ridges and farmland - west to the south routes to Cazdero, then back to SR for pizza, TV (dinosaurs/James Bond), home ~9:30.
 Seem to have some of my extra energy/stamina back - maybe last week's lack of spunk was partially the draining/emotional work situation.
 See how this works - eat breakfast at home now. Will there still be eggs at Lee's @10am, or should I boil a carton each week? Coffee at wk & get Peet's ground for home espresso - if I do Nomad @$2/day = $10/wk =$500 /yr. Coffee/cereal @ wk = a ticket to U.K.
 Health remains good - no meds, healthy food, Vit-C packets, lots of hand-washing with the alcohol stuff @work. Last flu was the month-long drag last August. Lots of people sick. Nurse said wash hands, get enough sleep and take vits; so far so good, while also accepting that if it's gonna gitcha, it's gonna.
 After those steaks last week, digestive results were hard, dark, unpleasant, malodorous; now, back to lots of salads, soup, good bread, nut butter: results are soft, light brown, floating and fulsome. It seems obvious, common sense, which is healthier for the body. Eating well has lots of unexpected side benefits, including that it's cheaper, and I feel smarter, and less hyper. Obvious.
 Okay - shower - salad breakfast - a little weeding.
 March - the hills yesterday were green and lovely, sun was out and almost hot in the high ridge. Rolled rocks down hills and did a bit of climbing, stretching, hopping, vocalizing - "Yes!" - picture-taking. The winter walks have kept my legs toned - keep it up. Bike, hike, weights? Eh!
 Separate, 'professional' fb page for wl contacts? Too silly?
+++++++++++
 Sun Feb 28.10
 Yest: Been sleeping well, eggs/bread breakfast, dishes, clean GF grill, vacuum, organize tax papers, books and CDs on sidewalk, etc, Internet/fb, laptop battery dies (healed itself in the evening!?), 1 vk, return videos, pick up Dogville/live Who, WF (cheese work work boss/bergamot oil - smells so good!). Home = Internet. Laundry ~6, reading Generation of Swine (a new Thompson or Waugh eVery day - obviously I'm in a mod for bitter vitriol and satire). Listening to Pretenders CD LR sent, and burning incense.
 Internet evening - spooning yogurt in the street, watching sunset and white full moon dance with passing clouds while rise to the west - salad dinner. Sleep well - Yes is shorthand for all that is good in life, thank you is short hand for enjoying all that is good in life. Eat consciously - be good today. All shorthand. Prayers. Symbols. Just, far less elaborate than church/religion - then again, they are competing with mammon, so cut them a break - a small, generous break - and keep a hand on your wallet.
 Today maybe use the Bay Area Backroads book Buff got me to hit the South Sonoma mini-farm roads. I've gotten lost on them before, not being on maps - but they are in the book - should be fun. Overcast. Rain? Do it anyway? Yes. Get out.
 Thu & Fri afterwork Chinatown / Coit / Union Square / Powell walk - Rome w/Sooz Friday. We both tired, cranky, worried about the economy - but Rome is fun! Got Deadwood II & III from Amazon. Also more Hunter Thompson, with Waugh on the way; enjoying Henry and June, though it meanders and I wonder if this is a story with out a conclusion. Also grooving on Lady Gaga's talent, if not her projected pop star image.
 Emailed L this AM, to say hi, describe last couple of downer work weeks, anticipating work getting harder. It won't be impossible. I will not get in trouble for not being able to do the impossible. Pressure will be higher, but I will adjust, and with the training, photography, photoshop, video editing, facepages, GXC photo uploads, Bpics, deep app knowledge, etc - and now InDesign - sure, they could get rid of me, but it would make a hell of a mess for them. I know where the photos, graphics, answers, portraits are - everyone is expendable, but they'd have to make some arrangements to take over all I do. Plus, with the summer upgrade and training necessary for that - which I am central in - I figure I'm good at least till next October. After that - bean counters and penny-pinchers will descend like buzzards. I wonder if a IT/GFX merge could work?
 Think. Plan. Save. Don't let the downside make my daily life a misery - life still feels grand - life still rocks - even current "worst case scenario" that's in my face, blocking out the web of circumstance - worst case scenario I can imagine is lost job, lost cottage - oh, baby, it can get way way worse than that. Lost job may sting, but it's still softball compared to the worst - there's way way worse. And there's no sense worrying about it. Got it?
 In my mind, losing the job dumps me back to square one - but that is false - I am sober for one, have 11 years experience working with people so my social skills are far better, have experience going on-and off anti-anxiety meds and accompanying insights, am eating a healthy diet, not tormented by fears of failure, plus all the job skills I've gained - the list goes on and on - when I crashed I had nothing to show for the first 40-some years of my life. That's what a mid-life crisis is - re-learn living to fit your new mind. And I'm there. My scars don't keep me from getting most of what I want from life. Does a day go by I don't take a photograph, read something interesting, reach out and make contact with someone. And my relationship with family is at least understood and doesn't make me miserable. Imperfect serenity around family is absolutely normal - hurt from childhood is absolutely normal -
 This morning's serenity thought, coming out of dreams, looking at the skylight after good sleep: I was not targeted - the rejection was absolutely normal, not malicious.
 Breath deeply into that wisdom and serenity. Let it in, to fill the black cavity with light.
 Doctor. Glasses. Diet. Photography. Class?
+++++++++++
 Sat Feb 27.10
 Okay - so, work. Fewer people, more work. I've gotten used to and spoiled by downtime to edit videos, blog, surf the web etc. Maybe those days are ending, cultural paradigm of outlaw developing Internet land - social sites, Yahoo email, etc. -; time to buckle down, winnow out the chaff and keep what works - stripped-down efficient machine. This is the way the capitalist system functions, and no shit didn't we know it. Why should it be different? Why should I be the lucky one.
 I managed to ride the pre-prop-13 college-education wave to Laney and UC Davis - I see myself leaving out the first 2 years at a Community College in N-Town, why water down the "prestige" of a University Degree. It's all image. I might a wll just lie and say I have a masters, What the fuck. But, nah - it's just easier not to go into details, doesn't matter and they don't care. I did my 2.5yrs at Davis and what a difference it made - how many of my friends are a direct result - how many are left from pre-Davis? Any? Jesus. College friends/connections - yeah, I've read that's what it's about, those life-long connections count for more than book learning, afternoons in hot classrooms.
 Anyway - work - K is gone, no more estrogen, and her friendly intelligent positive attitude. Learned a bit from her, inspired to try harder, have a positive approach in general - she was not cynical. Yeah, but as she said, she tried hard, made the big effort to be a great, valuable employee, then the numbers are crunched, seniority if factored in and she's dumped to another site. Bye bye. And me, too, next. Sure I have seniority, but will where factors in hierarchy - Coordinator/manager vs. plebe.
 Not a cynical exercise. I need pt be prepared, and also tune my work approach appropriately and adjust my expectations to reality. I'm one of the luck ones - long-term employee deeply embedded, well-connected, paid a bit more for the training and all the extras I do - much more than the 10% - known and valued to the top layers. Still, my ass is just a speck  on the screen to the number crunchers and all that shit don't mean a thing when they focus on that dot and put a check next to your position. Out!
 No sense in being cynical about it - I am here now - do all I can - I've been faced with this sort of situation any number of times at this job - this is the corporate world plain and simple. (I note some of the older, long-term employees leaving - are they being offered retirement packages/gently forced out?) I figure out a strategy, there is some awkwardness as we adapt to the new circumstances, I fins areas where there is a need not being met - maybe a necessity they are not even aware of - and I fill it, being sure to make direct contact, phone calls, desk visits, going above and beyond, and making sure my name is on the good work, and my face is at company functions. Total professional. Discreet. The company I work for never mentioned in this blog, fb, or anywhere else. I've even stopped putting my old art nudes etc here - time to stop fucking around. I can't make myself immune to the dangers of this financial system, or life in general - but I can not do stupid self-destructive things, and I can focus on living well and doing things correctly.
 Don't be cynical or bitter about the financial system/economic downturn - that's as useless as being cynical and bitter about life and disease and death. Pointless. Do my while life with the same positive attitude - common sense: don't try to do the impossible, always do the best I can, communicate clearly but diplomatically, self-promote appropriately and without ego, don't be angry at myself for my limits and over-aggrandize my strengths.
 I'm not alone. Everyone is worried about money, always, and esp now.
 Monday start 10-6:30. Ask about Tuesdays 9-5:30. That gets me home ~6:30 and co-op by 7. That works. If not, then.. what is plan B?
 Raining a lot. Air is clean. Beautiful morning. I feel the pressure to use the weekend - get out and do *something*. Today, I came here to Nomad for espresso and coffee cake. And I will focus on my luck at having this simple pleasure. The yard/garden is bursting with beauty and life from all the rain and intermittent sunshine. Ideal life conditions; for me, too. Not for me earthquakes and snowstorms they're getting in Chile and the Eastern U.S.
 Yest K showed me the InDesign stuff - such a great opportunity to learn it! She made me great notes and cheat sheet. I owe her. She has been very generous.
 On days off I usually wake ~6:30. If I can be up by~7a, I can have 2 hours to shower, breakfast, make lunch (and dinner?) - meals will take some creative thought. Getting of work at dinner time - eating at home is too late - 7-8pm.
 9:30 now. Some fb. Today? Been to G&S's a couple of times lately with cheese/apples/bread - mmm! - shot and uploaded Dexter photos to fb, which were well-received. Got a friendly negative fb response from J re old LR photo. Good. Was a bit concerned about a negative/hostile reaction to my request, which was pointedly made to remove a pebble from my shoe.
 Done here? The economic/work pressure helps me focus on what's important - jettison superfluous flotsam from my life, shake off the dust - developing a lifestyle that will allow me to land running if the job ends, so I do not have to focus on my worries. I am eating pretty healthy, walking often after work - up SF hills is good exercise. And though I feel weary, I do not feel tired - not that I want to sleep - not that my legs are tired - just not a lot of spunk, and after 8 hours in a cooped-up, dead-air office, in front of a computer screen, doing high-pressure detailed work, not knowing when a complex job might come in that I'll have trouble handling, and knowing that the economy targets me, and esp someone my age at my pay-scale, they'd love to get rid of me, bring in someone at 2/3s the wage, and send me out to an entry-level position at 1/2  what I'm making working from 11-8am - oh, yeah. Well. So what? I'm just as likely to get hit by a car, or have stroke, or whatever.
 Don't worry - if you worry and nothing happens, you've worried for nothing. If you worry and something bad happens, you've worried twice over one calamity. Don't worry - be happy.
 Yes. Thank you. Eat consciously. Be good today.
+++++++++++
 Wed Feb 24.10
 Busy at work - grabbed a challenging/complex/confusing job and did alright - though by end of the day I was getting boggled. 2-hour goodbye lunch with boss-boss, good food, nice leisurely walk after. Girl who's leaving is smart, talented, sweet and likable - we're all bumming she's leaving; and also that we no longer will have enough people to do the job right - I guess this is the new way, instead of down time and getting everything done on time, no down time and lots of jobs turned away. It's being discussed - how to deal with disappointed clients. We are lucky to have jobs - toasted to it. Hmp. She seemed happy that now we could be fb friends. I am trying to separate out somewhat, slightly my reaction to her being an attractive female - but that us part of her conscious charm. So - Enjoy.
 After work, comfy raincoat, leisurely stroll through Chinatown, up Grant to Coit and back to Powell station - 2 'Cutie' tangerines and an organic fuji apple - rolled a tangerine down a steep SF street - so satisfying - it stalled in the middle of a sunlit intersection at the bottom of the hill. Helped tourists with directions. Pleasantly cool air was cleansed by the rain.
 Home for green salad, whole grain bread with fresh ground almond butter and Colton Basset cheese. Damn! Chatting and commuting on facebook, checking the news pages, burning some good Telegraph Ave incense.
 Yeah... felt like I was commenting a bit to much on fb over the rainy stay-at-home weekend. Trying to chill a bit. Uploading photoshopped, early 90s LiCam picss. I enjoy them, not too many comments on fb or Buzznet.
 Reading Henry & June, more E Waugh and H Thompson coming, and looks like Deadwood season DVDs are here.
 Starting the 10-6:30 schedule this Monday. Should be fine.
+++++++++++
 Tues Feb 23.10 wk
 Now that rotten, infected teeth are gone, pain is gone, infection affects gone - I feel better macro and holistically.
 So what about the rest of my body? The lump in my back, near the pit, the little growth under the armpits. Best to also have those and who knows what else out one way or another? Through surgery or though healthier living? Geez - I don't smoke or drink, get out into fresh air quite a bit, after-work walks around town and weekend on the coast. Not really *exercise*, but a couple steep miles after work way better than nothing.
 Also, in response to Tips of week at work got a nice complimentary suggestion message from one of the top guys (been here since the beginning/corporate superstar) said how lucky they are to have a professional like me aboard. That feels good. Lets me ease off on feeling so fucking edgy and vulnerable. At a minimum, if they had to close the dept, they may try to keep me, or send me off with excellent recommendations and loads of contacts.
 Cooling off on the excitement over camera/bounce flash idea - but not entirely - look online and see what there is/price stuff. Looking for Hi-8 video cam for conversion to digital conversion on fb and Craig's List.
 Okay. Feeling a little better.
 Over the weekend cooked a couple of good steaks on the George Foreman grill - it worked great - tasted good - kind of heavy! Somewhat tough digestion, but guts aren't used to it - still, can do veggies and other foods. Cool. Now use the fucking rice cooker!
 Chocolate ice cream during last night's Chinatown/North Beach walk. Helped some grateful tourists with directions. Stopped at City Lights for long reading last week. So so lucky to live in this town with so much to do, so much natural beauty right here and nearby - easy drive. Buff gave me some Bay Area Backroads books - good stuff! Lots of Sonoma to explore. Got another Hunter Thompson collection last night, but started Henry and June and Anais Nin is a really fun read. So deep into her thoughts and feelings, such good observations and descriptions of emotional currents. Reading is good. Dad supports me. Men can't being men - we fight, try to one-up each other. But in our hearts - from a distance - do our best to wish each other well. Sometimes, best done at a great distance.
 Okay - back to work.
+++++++++++
 Fri Feb 19.10
 Payday. Even with recent cash gifts, Santa Rosa sushi feasts (lamb chops!), dental bills, Amazon books and DVDs (Deadwood), etc, I'm still in good shape savings-wise - I've been eating out far less, eating less in general, sometimes meals of bread and almond butter - healthy, filling, cheap, natural, sustaining.
 Two people gone at work, announced right after 3 tooth extractions and pain killers - the oral surgery, at risk of over-dramatizing - really is surgery, and mentally it slows me down, but I also feel physically, and mentally, better  - mouth feels better - I can eat without the discomfort I've gotten used to, and sleep without the neck stiffness, etc, plus feeling better about myself knowing I'm doing the right thing - treating my body lovingly - it adds to the incentive to brush better and eat better.
 One person leaving - which we're all bummed about, and will make work more difficult, and change my work hours to 10-6:30, which will leave mornings free if I get up early - 7:30?, two hours free to eat and garden - cool! - and she did the InDesign jobs, so now I'll take that over hopefully and get to learn that program that I'm interested in anyway.
 Get and amp - play guitar - write songs.
 Scan more photo album pics and give back to Shelley this summer.
 Several trips up Hwy 1 with stops at the big waves and sandstone at Salt Point; videos of the surf - including a couple that soaked me - are well-received on Facebook, which continues to be a source of comfort and fun. Bought a new Canon Powershot, and got it soaked and ruined by salt water within 3 weeks, but fortunately I'd bought the $30 warrantee and replaced it last night.
 Okay - work in. I've been feeling the need to write here - maybe partially because less with LR? Which continues interesting.
 What else - was feeling pretty good till early Feb, and have been having to work at keeping a light attitude - at least I am conscious of it and working through it - mainly not mistaking it for something it's not (it's not my fault, or me being stupid, weak etc). It's seasonal, leaves me feeling feeble and low-down - I get withdrawn, mistaking it for depression, and get prickly/cranky "Leave me alone-ish". So, get out into the sun and air, eat good healthy wholesome food - do things I enjoy - read new books (lots of Hunter Thompson lately), photography, bike, drive, get to the coast - oh! big waves! -, nap; do not eat "comfort" foods, which are just lumps of sugary dough that weigh me down and make it worse.
 I can do better than that. Being a little down during the dark, cold short days is normal, else what's Spring for?
 Send msg to LR friend Jd re seeing a pic L shot way back at the college pool. That is an interesting development. See what happens, what I learn. There's bound to be 3-way interaction. Or not. But I'm glad I did it. What could go wrong?
 WHACK!
 Still sharing on the blog w/L, but less, but it's there and I dig to share and be shown on it. Done some videos around the cottage, interesting, and interesting to watch me go through the relationship bump and grind, drop and diddle.
 What else? Scanned photo album pics and been sharing on fb, along with davis80smusic shots, and the reaction is good and fun, People enjoy. Cool. Something I've often dreamed of, but never thought possible.
 Eric bucked me up - I am living the life - coast, job in SF, hippie dream cottage in Berkeley with a cool coffee wifi place and succulent store around the corner. Come on. More human interaction would be nice - more is always nice, I think(?), and it's there for the taking/asking - but the cold/rainy weather does make on want to curl up in a ball beneath the bed and hibernate, and maybe that's a good thing?
 Still, been walking after work sometimes every night - and that helps a lot! Watching Rome with Sooz Tuesdays, and  Deadwood 3rd season - last episode tonight?
 Lots of time online. Buy a iPhone this summer to learn the technology. Get onto Craig's list and look for a hi-8 camera to watch and digitize my videos.
 I'll be 56 in March. yeah - I feel it - old - yet, I get out, leave the cottage early to hit the coast - LOVE the coast! Lucky to have the good car. K in SD in March, probably won't get to see her.
 Yes, my body feels better without those broken, infected teeth bugging me, tender sore gums, trouble eating, painful back molars. Better. Now take that experience - someone leaving at work - I would not be surprised if my job does not last two years - I expect it to last for the next year during the rollout and training they need me to do, after that, thinking long-term, I expect they may decided to deal with the short-term inconvenience and let us go in exchange for? Anyway, they value me, so they might hire me away from wl. If not, I will land on my feet running, dreaming. I've thought it would be cool making a living doing photography. Invest in good camera and bounce flash now, get good at it. Who knows?
 It is probably good to be shaken out of the routine now and then - this was not much of a shake - by the recession axe fell close. The dept just got an award for being so great, followed hard by 2 people laid-off. WoooOOoooW. So a good time to rethink. Routine is good - so so it routine rethink.
 What do I want out of life?
+++++++++++
 Sun Jan 24.10 am/bed
 Took last motrin ~8 last night, so it's been 12 hours and I feel fine - slight localized tenderness if I wiggle the upper right jaw, but didn't need vic at all. Doc said to take the motrin anyway, plus the antibiotic, because there was infected locations in there. Getting those out can only be good. Vic is fun, but just had two weeks on it - by necessity - around the holidays - when there's no need, then - eh! Plus, feeling the need to focus at work - schedule changes and workload shifting means I nee to focus to hit the ground running. Fuck bitterness, fuck feeling controlled, direct and focus my personal power and use it to situate myself where I want to be. I have 12 years of contracts and favors and evidence of my good work - now build on that! Find the next area that needs support and make myself the solution.
 Today - looks like it's gonna be raining all day - still feel like driving - Santa Rosa? Russian River? SF museum?
 Cottage is still a mess - clear out the walking space?
 Less socializing lately - maybe it's the short cold winter days make people withdraw a bit, not just me? I've avoided winter depression so far, and kept the wait below 200, but maybe am also closed in a bit without realizing it - have not been pushing for socializing so much.
 So - up at 6:30, bed a bit early, slept well, Deadwood-influenced dreams, banana and yogurt breakfast, salad dinner. Turkey rice soup ready to be heated in the fridge, plus bread, cheese, nut butter, eggs, veggies and other healthy food.
+++++++++++
 Sat Jan 23.10
 Fri: After work did Coit Tower for sunset photos. Took the last valium to help sleep, though fucked if I ever felt anything from them. Did sleep well, though and woke up sharp enough. Shower and fresh clothes out of respect for dentist; coconut water, banana & yogurt breakfast.
 1/2 espresso shot to avoid caffeine headache. Took 1/2 vic & 1/2 kl ~30mins before procedure. ~2hours, three extractions and prepped one hole for implant. Went fine. Sticking with motrin for now, not vicodin. Feeling fine - last time I was really nervous, anticipating worse-case scenario, plus I'd had the infected tooth a week or so before, so was already worn out and dosed on pain, valium and vicodin. Hmp. Slight soreness coming up in top right teeth, but mild really - looking at motrin every 5-6 hours. Chewing on left side is no problem. $500. The replacement/cap will probably be another grand. I wince, but I knew this would be pricey, and I can afford it, so.
 Moved $1K to WF today, which will put my savings exactly where they should be. But with the rest of the dental work and a trip to England best forget entirely about stupid magic number - 50 - I have a neurotic fixation about. If I get past this year breaking even, ending up right where it started, or even a few grand more, then I'll be a lucky puppy.
 Pics of rainy SF going over well on fb.
 After it was over, walked up Columbus and looped back down Grant to Union Square - my usual constitutional. Then home to hang out in bad for a few hours playing in Photoshop/surfing the Web - did laundry while hanging at Nomad. Now, Deadwood 3rd season.
 Feeling good enough - maybe hit the coast tomorrow if not raining? Sunlight and ocean would do me good.
 Get positive at work. It's a bummer losing people. It's a bummer going to the dentist. It's a bummer not being able to be in touch w/R every day, but so what? I survived by making this job work for me, taking on tasks, taking control, not letting it control me or accepting defeat. They want me to help train globally, do a tip of the week, facepages and group training etc etc. Well, goddam do it and make myself unexpendable, like always. No reason at all to lose ground by my own cynical bitterness. Make it work for me, and that means doing what I like, and that's the training I like to do. Got the big global upgrade coming up and I'll be at the heart of it. Then the penny counters can kiss my ass. Don't look back. This is a game I know how to win.
 So, there's my winning path forward. Go out and be the face people remember - the one that helped them, went the extra mile, made them feel good, like the center of the universe. And the bastard of it is, I enjoy it. So I win.
 I can choose to lose the job out of pointless misdirected anger and resentment - or I can take the easy way out and win it all. Ha ha.
 Did some photoshop play nudes and put them on the private blog. Fun stuff. Cool.
+++++++++++
 Fri Jan 22.10
 Much more relaxed about the dentist visit this time - tomorrow morning - , 24hr novocain hangover, and relaxation - eat salad, lots of good food, plenty of water. Let the body relax and heal. Meditate even, on light and wholesome health. No problem.
 Two people out at work means an impossible task, turning away jobs, sick day nightmares. Oh, well. That's what they want. Who knows? It might work. If it doesn't they'll backtrack.
 Last night restless - walked to Reel for third season Deadwood and Whole Foods soup/bread/fruit/fresh-ground almond butter. Good to get out for a nighttime walk under the huge rainbow umbrella Eric left in Siouxsie. Yes, much better after. So it goes to show, rain and cold don't need to keep me cooped up.
 The cottage is a cluttered shambles. Clean up while recuperating this weekend.
 And accept Dan and Mon's invite unadorned and non-judgmentally. They are doing the best they can. They are who they are, not who I want them to be. Deeply religious people, which I do not understand.
 Got videos re-uploaded and running on blog, but the situation is different. Less time. More caution necessary. It served a valuable purpose and remains as inspiration and potential, but for now - let it rest.
+++++++++++
 Thu Jan 21.10
 More dental surgery coming up Saturday morning - prepare for a week or two of weariness; last time I had holidays and short work days, and still spent a lot of time in bed, not out walking/driving around. Get another HBO show to watch? Deadwood 3rd seasons awaits. Finished 2nd season last night - good shit.
 Mendo/Bragg last weekend, but rain mainly kept in in-car/in-hotel - though it was nice enough Sunday to hang at the headlands for an hour - got a good video of an extra big wave hitting the offshore rocks. My favorite place in the world? Maybe.
 L on again, off-again. Busted. I don't know what's going on. Confusion is not good. *It* is over. Wave has swollen, exploded, crashed and passed. Now what, Stand here soaked with a silly grin, stumbling this way and that, enjoying the dizziness. Or get a grip and get on with life.
 Lay-offs at work - very short-handed now, some evening will be alone - if someone calls in sick the whole dept may have to close. My job seems secure still - they like the dept, the video-editing thing is part of as global concern, the training I do, and video/photography, the connection to global trainers, and esp now with the upcoming upgrade/ rollout, makes my part in the training even larger - not to mention my seniority.
 I thought, this morning, here is an opportunity to use it as a blessing - took the class in InDesign, but one of the laid-off folks was expert, so never used it. I could teach myself, get good, buy a book, look over my notes and training handouts and, yes, make this the pressure-situation to learn InDesign - a smart move career-wise, opens doors, etc.
 Gained a couple of pounds - stress and rainy days - watch that, just - eat consciously. Just be conscious. Do right.
 Got up my nerve last night, Nomad for hot chocolate and cinnamon cake, read letters from home, holiday cards - Nov letter from Dad does say obliquely that they feel the absence of one of their family members. I accept it, he is oblique - he can't say directly, you are my son, I am your father, we would like to see you, come visit sometime son. No - it must be oblique, I can either resent that and stay away, or accept it and be closer, get what I can, while avoiding the tiger traps he sets for arguments/anger/fights. It's him. Maybe it's his generation. But no matter, It's him. Write a letter. Go home. Just because I can. Because some family is better than none. And who knows, maybe I can learn to get comfortable with it.
 It's not good, this keeping letters for weeks and months before opening them. Some deep fear and pain there. If I was wealthy I'd have a shrink about it. As it is I live in denial. Though - in some ways! - it is also honest and brave to not accept the bad stuff smilingly.
 There's no debating it or even discussing it probably - just get over my fear and go home and have short light visits.
 Everything is going well - my life is easy and relaxing which is a big blessing so I can focus on the trouble areas and make not to much of them them - family, work, romantic relationships - those are the natural trouble areas; whereas home, job, health, serenity are in fairy good shape. All-in-all these remain blessed days - golden years.
 Still haven't seen Marge & John since WEF. Also G - his treatments are over, maybe a visit soon. Unexplained distance, but in the circumstance that decision is not to be questioned.
 Work put together a barely-working computer from my two broke-down T40s; sold me an another, better one a couple of months early; battery keep charge for hours! Put pshop/frontpage on it and it's perfect, faster, better. That was really nice of them.
 Saw Eric Monday (MLK day), fancy new sushi place for lamb chops, steak skewers, saki and excellent sushi. ~$200. And totally worth it and fun. Felt lucky that we had time, and health and friendship to be able to enjoy that moment. Watched Deadwood episode.
+++++++++++
 Tue Jan 5.10
 So weary - just want to take a 30min nap. Been up late emailing, and the short days. Yawning. Get to bed early some night. I was in the habit of being in bed, relaxing and asleep by 10:30, but up later and emailing/video/photos, so more mental and physical energy expenditure. Some night, go to bed early. Any night. It's my life. Up to me. But there's this window. Let go of the window frame. Relax. Two days of vk and driving up and down the coast, climbing the rocks, bad hotel sleep, to much coffee and beer. Yeah. Take a break. Infatuation is exhausting.
 But it's also organic, creative and healing. This recent stuff (CWD blog) grew unexpectedly out of it. Riding the wave is okay. Hope I'm doing no harm. I am keeping my moorings. And it's fun.
 Anyway... it's distracting. I'm tired. Weary. Want that nap. Maybe nap before heading to Sooz's?
 195.5lbs this morning - lowest in years. But from the video I see the big stomach - another 10-15lbs less should still be my target - not 190 - though that's a good start - but 180. I'm eating pretty well, still, and the dental work has kept me from getting back on boxes of pretzels and sweet, almost no Diet coke and sugar/caffeine drinks (except for espresso). So, maybe maybe the weight will continue to drop.
 Laptop broke last night, then, by evil coincidence, the backup stopped, too. Dead. Got the work loaner working, then it stopped - got the screen back up, then the Internet connection wouldn't work. I really needed to log on - fucking upsetting - poking around I found the login area and my local provider's info. .5kl later I had it working.
 Jesus.
 But I can't keep the loaner at home forever - so, now what? I need a laptop. Hmp. Find a T40 body somewhere and put the hard drive in it. IT at work says they have a device that will allow me to pull my info over ton my external drive. So that's cool. Then trash the motherfuckers and look for a laptop on loan? Or see about buying an old used on for a couple of hundred. Or... is it time to spring for a Mac with a web cam etc etc. Hmp.
 Water. Soup. Whole grain bread. Espresso. Vegetables. Fresh air. Exercise. Love. Existence.
+++++++++++
 Jan 4.10
 Feh - wrote a long entry then somehow lost it. :-P
 But basically sent Thu-Fri deciding then post mortem no to visit north, which was quite draining, but a necessary inspection and the correct decision, and I'm sure. Lots of emailing w/* and sad about the decision, even thought it was positively correct.
 Sat: up Hwy 1 through beautiful fog, mist, sunshine. Big awesome Godzilla surf at Salt Point. Pie and coffee at Guala. Laundry in Bragg.
 Frustrating wifi problems Sat evening and Sun: Morning! Sucked. Couple vkc, no pf. A kl Sat night to deal with the agitation over no wifi signal - esp after I'd picked the hotel for their wifi! Sun eve Eric - gave him accidentally received 1st season Deadwood. Watched an episode and deeply analyzed McShane's acting/Swearingen's character. Beer, laughs, fun.
 Sun: was blue skies, warmish and stunning - green green grass - all colors seemed bright - the saun is getting a little higher in the sky.
 At Salt Point grabbed handfuls of black moist earth, rubbed into my skin. Felt great.
 Lots of shower stall photos, maybe sharing a blog. Mirrors. Short sexy mystery video.
 Lots of it private.
+++++++++++
 Tue Dec 29.09
 Back at work, along - completely dead so far, eggs, cereal, espresso breakfast. Several vics yesterday - figured, might as well enjoy the fog, and the fog was deep - not stumbling, intoxicated, but deeply protected. Went to Telegraph, unselfconsciously explored stores, wandered through Tibetan pillows, Moe's fine art, Rasputin's music & pinball machines. Two chocolate old fashioned donuts - mmm! From Dwight to campus, sat on the Student Union steps where I spent so much time in early years, watching preachers and street comedians, where I watched Watergate and Nixon implode from semi-literate street-level. Didn't feel anything though - detached from all that, from the kid I was - amazing I survived. I carry resentment/anger that I had to go through it, but it was my choice to serve fast-food and clean bathrooms in the pirate place on the north side of Charleston. My choice. I'm about where I ought to be. High expectations made the fall seem painfully far, but my family was mainly working class factory workers, and all us kids probably started in food services - two years making bagels before going to school full-time (while working weekends with Tina selling tablecloth seconds at the Alameda flea market?).
 Anyway... we all carry this stuff, that why envy figures so high in religious therapy. Philosophical perspective - because it's all about the competition for resources - so we can not help want to kill and rob those with more. (As I walked up Telegraph yesterday evening, past the homeless and weird, I certainly felt like one of the 'haves', my 20year-old Volvo sure looks like a chariot to them with nothing). We gain experience. I envy people with the experiences that comes with money - good education, travel - but more of the population had even less. My travels, hitchhiking, street-living (now called 'homelessness' and considered too shameful to mention, when at the time it was somewhat of a Kerouacian romantic experience) were all educational. I know things, have a perspective, that people who have always had a roof over their head and a home to go back to don't.
 Okay. Whatever. Don't get stuck in the "I'm envious" as my big revelation about life. It's about as revelatory as brown smelly stuff falling out of the hole in my butt in the morning. How about finding a path that helps me navigate life all that considered? Not time yet? Probably, if I live long enough, based on what I see older folks do, I will feel drawn to the religion of my youth. I can see that. The adult version. Not the nonsensical childhood boogie man fables.
 So, yeah - yesterday, salad for breakfast and dinner, bed and Internet, espresso with Buff, Hells Angels, Telegraph, Deadwood. Slept fitfully - took a valium which, again, seems to have no affect at all, but didn't want to mix sleeping pills with the vicodon.
 Woke up with some gum pain - advil. Going to stay off the vicodin. Wonder if I've done enough to have any withdrawal symptoms? I doubt it, but watch out for sniffles/body aches. Give the kidney's a rest. Lots of water and healthy food.
 If it stays slow, maybe put up some of the WEF video on facebook. Got a message that they took down one of my 'inappropriate' photos, but can't for the life of me figure out what they took down! All the vicodin art with muted / masked nudity are still there. Weird.
 Thoughts for the 4-day weekend? Snow?
 LR driving out to Sac. Odd feeling. Slowly moving into present reality. And do we fear what we lose when that happens, that it will not survive current reality? We have organically filled in the gaps of lost decades. Now comes the adventure.
+++++++++++