Wrench off the digital media delivering face-hugger

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 Mon Feb 20.12 nm
 Weather reports say not only rainy, but cold and windy by Bodega - 100% humidity - 50° - so, uh, no. Though Nicasio could still be done, and a slow drive back down winding, hilly farmland roads. Feeling relatively okay - not as much congestion this morning; oatmeal/nuts/dried fruit breakfast, mocha/banana at Nomad. Stirring the oatmeal on-and-off for ~10 minutes turns out not to be such a dreadfully painful, frustrating experience as I'd feared.
 Still - isn't oatmeal just cheap, non-nutritious gruel? What do the wealthy eat for breakfast?
 Nomad is much better with hard-working, industrious family running it - food gets done right, coffee drinks served promptly - not forgotten 25% of the time by the wasted tattooed hippie rocker loser "help."
 fb messaging w/Chris C again - may have gone as far as possible with that analysis - poking the wet blob trying to get one last wiggle of pleasure from it. Mutual analysis and fun fantasy is one thing, but I don't want to cling to much to the past for my pleasure; if that wave has passed, then stop running after it, stand in the sun and air dry.
 I've got to the bottom of why I was obsessed with her memory, looked honestly at some uncomfortable subjects (she seemed to look down on me), shared fun fantasies to free us from frustrations and open communications bringing our dark places into light and air.
 Now what's left is plainly sexual fantasy - imagining us naked, me under the weight of her soft warm brown body, my young stiff cock standing up into in her sopping hot lips. But what's really happening is she reminds me of Jane and the sexual experiences I did have - nothing new here. Just turning myself on for the plain pleasure of it. That's okay - but don't mix it up with the sharing/communicating we've been doing. It's not Chris-specific - I don't need to share with her my generic sexual feelings/yearnings. hat cheapens the exchanges we've had. Leave the sharing at memories/feelings specific to the few months, the very short time, the one or two times we were affectionate. The time(s?) she lay on me in the TV room, my erection straining in my tight jeans, feeling the weight of her body pressing down on me, I young and inexperienced - sex was the adult world I had not entered - it was huge, scary and intimidating; being sexually knowledgeable was cool, and I was the opposite of that.
 But let's face it - she was not the one. I knew it, and was frustrated by it, because I wanted into the adult/sexual world, and I didn't know what the key was, so was grasping for any experience.  But it was never meant to be her      - or, I should say, it was not to be, it was never meant to be us.
 Yep - this works - this blogging I mean - maybe wordy and caffeine-fueled typing at times, but have worked out several subjects over the last few days that have cleared my mental air. Subjects that deserved the time. When you're sick, and it's cold outside, sitting, writing and working things through, putting complex feelings/memories/conflicts into words has genuine value,
 Vegetarianism.
 Looking into going that direction - checking to see all I eat every day - that's a good idea! Then I noticed, well I'm not doing it perfectly - does fish count? Poultry? I saw that I'm not really trying, or willing to be perfectly vegetarian, but I looked again and saw what was happening - I was adding lots of fruit & veggies and grain to my diet, whole vegetarian meals: dinners of vegetable soup & bread, oatmeal/nuts/fruit breakfast; sushi lunches, pbj snacks. Looking for alternatives to dairy. So that's 100% good!
 Downloading more hentai - guro, milf - check them out and dump them - have seen a few things I've never seen before, some nice graphics/art - but very few are worth a second look. Tokyo Red Riding Hood is the most fun and best drawn so far.
 10:37. Poppy bagel w/lox/creamcheese. Is it vegetarian? Avoid processed foods. That includes bread I imagine. Processed meat - yuck -
 - making eating right and well may mean having to deal with the inconvenience of carrying food with me to work - I like traveling light, with the hemp bag Karen gave me, with book (currently Roman history (without dad sitting on my shoulder telling me I'm doing it wrong), and letters/bills, print-pouts of news/Wikipedia articles, pens, a $20 stuffed in the small pocket. I will need to get a secure backpack and something to carry soup and bread in. Bring enough for three days at a time? Tofu veggie salad.
 Easily done. I can do it. I know how to do it. If I want to do it - all I have to do it do it. Do not use phony discouragement (I'm not a perfect vegetarian) to lazy my way out of it. If the attempt means 50% more fruit & vegetables & non-meat protein in my diet, then it's a big win. Part of me wants prestige of being "Vegetarian" - a proud-to-be-cool hippie honor badge - but to be really cool is to do it because it's right and I want to without being concerned about political correctness and people thinking I'm cool. A lot more people think I'm cool about things I do without public effort because I know they're right, for instance: Generosity, kindness, patience.
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 Sun Feb 19.12 nm Noon
 Took a total of four Sudafed Wednesday and slept shitty, if at all - reminded me of the mid-90s, poor sleep, but body feels good, that 'speed skin' sensitivity and mental 'up' - felt good to be awake. Thurs morning I was prepared to hit the day with low expectations: can't expect much from me today, I'm tired/sick/lame/a wimp/poor/ugly/stupid - something wrong with me - but on BART called bullshit on myself, I can do well, do the bets I can, no excuses. And so it went.
 Slept okay Thursday night, but no enough to catch up - Friday work went well, but got home exhausted. Stayed up doing cottage party, flowers, iPod music (Talking Head Remain in Light Cross-eyed and Painless - woo!), playing in photoshop, awoke at 2am with music still on, Chinese water cascade glowing and burbling, red glow from floor from wire to xmas lights outdoors). Slept okay but woke up Saturday feeling yucky and barely got over it.
 Made it out after dark for Elmwood laundry/wifi/download hentai, and stop at WF for coconuts, fruit//veggie drinks, nuts/raisins for oatmeal, six eggs, two bread sticks, carton of veggie soup. Examined but did not buy Persian-style food from salad bar; do-able.
 Still snotty and body tired.
 Beautiful this morning; sunny, but cold. Consider a road trip, but decided easy enjoyment of homestead better. Hours of internet. Oatmeal and nuts/raisins ~9, 2 soft-boiled eggs ~11. Give Cece some chicken and we hang out together. He met me oin the front stoop (when I took out garbage) and fell under my hand for bets and back rubbing. Sweet. It makes me awfully happy, watching him grow and learn, being playful in spite of himself.
 Last night he was hanging by the door - gave him extra chicken yesterday because it seemed other cats were chasing him. I left door full open and sat by fridge, chatting with him, just to let him know it was cool, then closed the door most of the way, with floor pats and encouragement to come in if he likes. He seems happy on the threshold, but did step in once I was in bed, just for a few seconds to see what was up.
 Sent fb msg to Junior High friend, who I barely remember - no details, just remember we loied each other, then she moved to other friends, then to another country, and when she came back in senior year, she was off dating other guys and I had no money, no car, no looks and no clue, but did have lots of nerd company, whom I rejected and despised - "I'm not with them!". But I was.
 Anyway - hey is this writing or typing? - she part of NA fb reunion and comments favorably on my fb posts re religion/politics - so I msg her last night noting similarities and asking if she had a hippie phase. Then last night clear, real-seeming dreams re her response - that she responded publicly to avoid more intimate conversation, somehow her husband got involved - and I was waking at some point having to tell myself it was a dream and that I had not checked fb yet to know if she'd responded or not. It was slightly uncomfortable, and a little more intense than it should have been
 Unrequited love. The ones that got away. Frustrated desires.
 It's normal, I suppose - common - stuff gets stuck in your craw; and it's okay so long as I'm aware of it for what it is, keep my feet solidly grounded in reality, in the present. Some female friends, if relationships got to the point of physical affection, it's okay to discuss, enjoy, fantasize, etc if they approve - and it seems most do if it's kept within respected understood confines - and why not? Fun and fantasy is fine. But for pre-sexual stuff, there's nothing to build on and it should be left along unless they deliver a big clear hint.
 If there are spouses, there needs to be caution and appropriate respect. And since I am single, I need to be careful about dumping too many desires on people - only the weight that can be borne.
 So - last night's dreams may be an indication that I need to exercise extra caution around L.  So yeah. watch it, that's all. That's obvious, be cool.
 Where was I?
 Beautiful day.
 Sat in the backyard for a while enjoying the sun, cool breeze, Cece attacking rug on the West side bench. Blossoms from the plum tree dropping like snow - it was really kind of perfectly beautiful, and I hatred to go back inside, but coffee called. Nomad.
 And that brings up - coffee.
 Why do I drink it? At least one double espresso per day. because it's free - Peet's even - at work. Buy it on the weekend, partially to avoid a caffeine headache, and partially to buy a chair at the Nomad to be around people. But do I need it? And isn't it bad for you? Isn't tea good for you? And isn't tea free at work as well.
 I'm trying simplify my life, and do things for a reason, and treat my body well - so not sure double espresso fits into that. Also have started on double mochas at Nomad lately - and we all know sugar is bad for me, and my moods.
 No excuses. I can do it if I want. This is the time of year to develop the habits and set things in motion and position. Stop, or cut back on caffeine now, start on tea instead, and carry on into summer, and through the yuear, and forever.
 Never did hear from S. I assume C reads everything from me, interprets it in the most hostile way possible - which is easy to do since I have conflicted emotions and lots of defenses up - so even if I try to open the door to see if there's a way forward through the muck, C is there to point out the flaws and keep S locked up in his protective end-of-the-wo0rld fantasy domain. Like all slaves, he has ultimate control over how far it goes, he has the safe word and controls the situation, and everyone knows it but her. And she prefers it that way, in a fog of lifelong weed addiction, in a fog of being controlled by the illusion of being boss. There's no room for reconciliation so long as C controls the levers.
 Well, that's all pretty vicious, angry and delusional on my part. What's the truth? Truth is we broke up because we have almost nothing in common, we got together over partying, drugs and pop culture fun. When we grew up we had not truly bonded over anything serious, nor created some core peaceful space of trust and love. That was no one's fault. But it's also true there's nothing to go back to. It would be a nice gift to J&M, and I wouldn't mind it - to be able to make amends, for the sake of my own soul - but it's a tough case. Maybe I'll get lucky some day. And if not, it's not like a day-to-day concern. It would be good to clear the air.
 But look - I've cut off other people, not because I'm perfect or blame-free, but because I've deiced those people are not trustworthy or deserving of the time of day. D has lots of good points, but is also a malicious thief and liar. Done. S has lots of cool points, but opening up to her means opening up to C, who is a manipulative, untrustworthy and liar. There's no benefit to me to make myself vulnerable to those folks, nor let them into my life. S, yes. C, no. That's perfectly logical, coherent and reasonable. Take C out of the picture and I think we'd be able to have a friendship and share wonderful memories and forgive each other.
 So feel good about it. It's not that I'm too messed up to find a way forward, it's that the way forward is blocked by someone I don't trust. I can't have a relationship with S without involving C, who did one of the worst things anyone ever did to me - 'Alls fair in love in war' puts a finger on his side of the scale, and cuts him a little slack, but not in this circumstance.
 I'm doing the right thing for the right reasons.  But as long as the situation as as it is, so I've got unhealed anger and desire for revenge, it's best to avoid contact altogether.
 Fair and free? Fair and free. Understood. Clear? Clear.
 Cool.
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 Sat Feb 18.12 nm
 Wow - Feb is more than half over already - stuffed up/flu'ish whole time, so not getting out much, visiting, hiking, road-tripping - it's a good chance to rest my bones and enjoy whet I've got in my own backyard. But looking back it seems empty because not much memorable - oatmeal for breakfast, changing my diet, changing my banking/ budget/finance. All good - laundry and groceries, cooking at home and internet. A lot of cottage chores done, and s short list left: DVD player, keep or toss?, organize file box, easy stuff.
 Plenty of food in cabinet & fridge.
 Fri: Breakfast: 2 soft-boiled eggs and bread breakfast; Lunch:  5 pieces of Lee's sushi - mainly rice, but thin strips of fish are fresh enough, and is filling, and pretty healthy, except for the white rice; Dinner:  Lee's pjb at work, rice and curry vegetables at home ~8pm.
 So, yeah, not only can I do this, I am doing it - Friday was vegetarian day, without even trying or feeling like I was depriving myself. Vegetarian with fish and eggs? Sure, why not; by vegetarian I'm saying no meat or poultry.
 Rice & veggies in evening was easy enough and very satisfying, so celebrate that. Full stop.
 Next would be to choose/chop up my own veggies and add curry from a jar, but hey.
 Also want to look into beans. Beans, rice tortilla and veggies, and fruit. That's the way forward to health, frugality, do-ability and sustainability on a personal level.
 Over-thinking - point is simple. I can do without meat, and eat unprocessed diet easily when I eat/prepare meals at home. Make bringing food to work a priority.
 Cool.
 If it can be done, I can do it - believe in me, I am doing better than I know.
 I envy others - the ones who look all blonde and raising children in the Pittsburgh suburbs. But some of them may look at my interesting life and envy that. A lot of them born and raised in the same town. No rock bands. No oceans nearby. No cool nude photography hobbies, or cottages with beautiful gardens and skylight, and one-eyed neighborhood cat.
 Comparing is inevitable - but look away for a moment - it goes away.
 Self-pity is a joy-killer - focus on what I enjoy.
 I'm lucky enough to have a good job that I enjoy and involves skills I've wanted to hone since I was a child - but it is not my source of self-esteem - no more than any job I'd have tried to do well - though I've surprised myself by excelling, as wisely, without knowing what I was doing, and taking on challenges in current job. It's a great learning and soul & mind strengthening experience. I've grown up there - from crashed-out/ divorce/ jobless/ barely-skilled/ financially destitute/ substance abuse and alcohol problems, to where I'm at now, it's been hand-in-hand with an empathetic employer, and open-minded companionate, creative, people-friendly job location.
 I was a mess when they hired me, but for some reason they stuck by me.
 And although K took me many places that helped me wind up here, I was the one - not K- I was the one who said yes. Yes. yes. To opportunists that came my way, no matter how daunting. And I showed up and did my best.
 I wanted to succeed - I did not want to die - although pretending I wanted to was romantic fun.
 Anyway, these blogs have been very wordy lately. Wonder why.
 Downloaded tax forms, send them this month.
 Booked 2-bedroom Fern Grove cottage for Sept-21-23 Guerneville Jazz/Blues fest for Eric and I. Expensive - $250/night for 3 days - last year flies of resentment buzzed around the enjoyment. This year I've tagged the expense as already spent, so it doesn't feel like maybe it's ruining my budget. 'If not for that I'd be fine!' No, if I was more careful with my daily/annual finances I'd be fine. It's on me to take care of myself. Look after my interests. Not Eric, or anyone else. And I knew that, so I slightly despised myself for the resentments about money and where I chose to spend it. Now I'm being more careful - taking action, good! - and by being careful I can spend where I want without affecting my overall financial well-being.
 Good.
 Somewhere back along the line, my whiney tone became implausible, as the fb posts morphed from 'I'm going through this. I'm still learning. I'm striving to do well.' - to - 'I'm having fun. I booked rooms. I'm at a music festival somewhere. I just came home from a beautiful drive to Mendocino, Sonoma Coast, home from West Virginia, England', etc.
 I stopped sounding like a person healing, and unintentionally I was bragging. I thought I was saying, 'Remember how fucked up I was? After a lot of work I'm better. I am an example that sobriety - even without religion or fanaticism - works.' But it sounded like, 'I'm doing well and having a good time, don't you wish you were me?'
 Yeah - so I had to stop and rethink not only what I was saying, but really how I was doing. Unbeknownst to me, I've been doing well. Not just in comparison to how I was at the bottom. But overall. Not compared to people who have more than me, but based on my needs and abilities.
 Sobriety works. Cooking and eating healthy works. Being open to better family relations works. Frugality and conscious finances. Moderate vices - like hentai, cannabis and whole fat vanilla yogurt - works. Feeding the neighborhood kitty chicken works.
 Acceptance is still a bitch - I am not 100% serene about not being 100% serene. Somewhere in my mind I still think I have a second chance, and that someday I will reach perfection, mental serenity and acceptance of my weakness and anger and meanness. Reality is that what I am today is all I have to do my life with - this is it - doing today the best I can with what I have today is winning.
 That's what I need to grasp, and stop thinking it could or would have been somehow otherwise if only... it's just self-pity. I could have been a contender. Instead of a bum - which I was - but I'm not now - but the self-pitying habit is stubbornly comfortable, even though inappropriate, to be washed away slowly if I want it. The opposite of self-pity is not arrogance.
 Any small compliment sparks a massive egoistical reaction. "I'm great!!"
 Replace self-pity and self-put-downs with nothing.
 Replace delusional arrogance with nothing.
 Let them go, and do not replace them. They are warts. Extras. Cancers. Gremlins. Vampires. Remoras. Hitching a ride between me and the world.
 Rising in my wake. They are not me. Nor the world. Nor the wake.
 They are non-acceptance of reality.
 Do not give them any weight.
 Looked into who owns angrylambie domain and hosting - domain good till July 2013, unsure about hosting.
 Davis80smusic domain/hosting set till Nov 2012, but check into it and make sure it's down!
 Getting the little stuff - beginning of the year stuff - done - in prep for lazy easy summer months.
 A bit of ecstatic Spring scent in the breezes this morning. Instant happiness.
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 Tues Feb 14,12wk
 Busy with tricky PPT themes & such, photoshop for major global player Steven - all good, and a good balance with the more tedious creation.
 Looking at finances again - it's been a while since I started counting my dollars, thinking about paying for meals with handfuls of quarters rather than pull $100 from ATMs, thinking about ways to save $ on meals - making my pbjs at home for $1 instead of paying $2.75 at Lee's.
 Good. I need the discipline. Keeps me honest.
 All tings remaining equal, leaving off UK vacation & $$ gifts and art work will get me near my goal. I need to save a full grand amount to make it. Just have to do it. $500/paycheck into savings. Count the $5k in MechBank checking as vacation set-aside/spent.
 Still working thru this cold/flu - mild symptoms, but getting cranky after 2.5 weeks of it.
 Is it too silly to have two checking accounts at Mechanics? One for vacation etc, and one for day-to-day. BoA savings with ~$300 in it is beginning to seem a little silly. Just have to dig up the acct #'s to move Bill pay to Mechanics, and then it's done. Everything in one bank - and rely on myself, and my own abilities to keep them separate in my mind, and my eyes on the prize.
 3-day weekend coming up - Davis for a day?
 Leaving in ~15min for Lost w/Sooz - down to last 3 season two episodes.
 Met the new font house cat - Angel - she seemed a sweety, though shy about taking food out of my hand.
 Last night flowers and music was really nice and I had a good time.
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 Sun Feb 12.12 nm
 Nice n' groggy, but slept okay w/Nyquil -
 Most of Sat in bed, a little gardening after Nomad, then nap, no food. ~7pm WF for coconuts, chicken for Cece (which he showed up for and was quite happy about, even came into cottage to snag first piece of a plate - then I gave him more from chair), apples, veggies in curry.
 No reason I can't cook up a pot of veggies, tofu and rice, then reheat it for lunch/dinner - cheap, easy, healthy. Persian dishes as well.
 After WF, meds, watch some of Talking Heads live from Amoeba - some of it is pretty damn fine, and I confronted my anger about them changing from the stripped down new-wave 4-piece to the expanded stage show jungle boogie. They ruined my college fantasy - they changed! And can I ever forgive them. Silly boy. Let it go. It's so silly on the face of it, plus, if they hadn't changed, I'd never have heard Cross-Eyes and Painless. I have fine memories - got to see an excellent band numerous times live, and hours of listening enjoyment, esp in Davis with headphones on the floor - climbing, exploding Memories Can't Wait at Zellerbach, Air - clinging to stage in front of Tina - and I wanted them to do that forever. Still - it's one thing to be disappointed, and another this self-righteous outrage, as if it were a personal slight - ruined my cool.
 And now I have a video of Warning Sign at a Lower Sproul gig I was at. So it's all good. Find more important things to get hung-up on.
 One at a time, knocking them down in the city.
 Sleep 11>, up ~8. Oatmeal a'cookin when Cece shows up for chicken; he gets his, I get my oatmeal/nuts/raisins, and a slug of WF fruit/veggie juice, and flu pills.
 And I noted: I stress re how to live the life I want to live - then I look at my breakfast - oatmeal/fruit/nuts, fruit & veggie juice, baby coconut, mocha & banana at Nomad.
 I am living the live I want in some areas - question is, how to bring it into all matters - it's not like if I become vegan I'd become the counter-culture warrior I dream I might be some day if I live long enough and reach enlightenment - and then can start my life over from that point.
 No.
 Every day I try to make my life into a pattern of goodness I learned in my youth. Morals from childhood, lifestyle from young adulthood. Good healthy vegetarian nutrition, simple clothes/home/activities, frugal, loving, patient, self-forgiving.
 And Dad was right about self-pity - it's feeds on itself and comes from a world view that we are 'victims'. No self-pity - ever! If I pity myself, then I need a focus for my bitter anger - the world that rejected me - instead of a calm reasoned honest acceptance that it's nice to have good looks and/or be athletic, or nice or whatever - but I have other strengths - smart, clever, artistic, musical, creative, occasionally wise - so a.) I've nothing worth whining about, and if I did, no one likes a whiner, including myself, so it's lose-lose - where does victim/blame get me? And b.) If I whine then it means someone has to be at fault, someone has to be the focus of my anger/bitterness - and it starts with the family, and schoolmates - and then everyone I ever met and then the world, because I feel like a reject from the world - and as I note that everyone suffers the same rejection from someone, then I have to build up my pain to be the worst, worse than anyone else's, and my world view gets completely skewed and wrong - it makes me the center of the universe.
 And that's not good.
 So - anytime I hear the self-pity, give it up, wash it out, stare it in the eye and demand a reasonable answer, and if it can't supply one, than send it packing like salt in the rain it'll dissolve and leave kind loving reason in it's place.
 Self-pity is bullshit. Especially when it's not based on a mature world view. Some day I may have real reasons to pity myself; then let it be on top of an adult foundation of reality and fortitude - not on a childish "It's not fair!" view of the world and my place in it. I may be weak someday - in the meantime, be strong. When the hard times come, I will be better able to withstand the cold winds.
 I am not special. Get on with it.
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 Sat Feb 11.12nm
 Cold/flu back - decongestants helps, got Nyquil on the way home, some at 9 and sleep @10pm, then awake @2am and more Nyquil, and sleep decently until ~9. Eggs, tease Cece at door and window - he's till learning, and so cute!
 Fri: Groggy but not bad on way home, somehow wound up on Concord train - rather than wait, figured it was a short walk, and it really was! I think of Rockridge/CCAC neighborhood and far down from Elmwood, etc, but it's about 5 blocks to Claremont, and 2 from there to Alcatraz; then what? - 1/2 mile down Alcatraz to Shattuck - but a perfectly pleasant walk - interesting old homes, restaurants I don't know about - Peet's on the corner of College and Alcatraz -  I could walk/bike there some mornings to change it up.
 And get off at other BART stops to explore different neighborhoods/walks home - a lot of changed in old neighborhoods I don't know about.
 Home for a bit, then drive to WF for healthy food:  baby coconuts - ecstasy! - lemons for squeezing, pound of Scottish oatmeal, bag of binned ginger cookies, curried vegetables. Ate a bunch of chocolate-covered nuts fallen from overhead dispensers - oh, yeah!; and no yogurt since last thing I need is more snot. Peppermint tea.
 Yep - $400 to last till Friday.
 No extravagance.
 If I woke up feeling great, considered a drive to Salt Point for Maverick's-style big waves, but knew that was not gonna happen - slight regret about having cold now, but get over it, don't milk the poor me I would be doing something cool - I'd be cool - if only not for the cold.
 Whatever - a quiet, relaxed day taking care of cottage stuff and drinking peppermint tea sounds great. Plenty of rest. Lots of fluids.
 
 List:  Sew button on green khaki shirt sleeve, clear out cord/electronic misc box, organize files, get a knife for breakfast (Ashby flea market?), clear out silverware drawer (put some above in cabinets), decided what to do about DVD player/screen - out? - , think about red plastic crystals on a silver rabbit, since I  love it so much.
 Believe in me. I can do what I want. I am living the life I want - it may not look like what I dreamed as a young hippie - not floating in shimmering robes above a dramatically purple-skied, wind-swept field, but if I'm eating good vegetarian good, saving, living a humble lifestyle and putting away every penny - and facing reality, that those saved pennies I may never spend, but if  - god forbid - I die suddenly, the savings will go towards raising a little girl. That gives me great peace of mind.
 Is that weird? Should it go to family? Is it  based on resentments and anger from bitter childhood rejections?
 I think Marge would say a.) it's a personal decision, and b.) that it's okay if one is financially generous with a child (or a sick friend). One simply has to accept that human's aren't 100% altruistic, it's always based on one's own needs - and I need to save my soul. But most of us would agree that an old man would give his life to save the life of a young girl. That's also an instinct.
 Anyway - go for the gold, total ownership - I feel like I'm missing something - it's that I can do everything right, but if I'm not right with Jesus it's not fundamentally right. It's my Catholic upbringing - I want to ride with the emotions/nostalgia/desire to please my parents - I feel like if I'd stayed in the church I the conflict between faith and reason would be diminished. That's a price one pays for rejecting one's native/family religion. Rejecting the support and community and peace of mind that comes with it.
 Right at the heart of it I'm saying, at a very young age, I think my parents, religious authorities, and a lot of people I went to school with are wrong. Not only wrong, but wrong-headed, foolish and weak. Combine that with my anger for them rejecting me, telling me I am slightly less than a full human being if I don't believe what they believe in - it's so idiotic on the face of it, how can one avoid despising them as angry, ignorant hypocrites?
 Well, okay, that a burden I carry - but how about looking for al alternative view. Acceptance. Ignore - don't take the bait - ignore the proselytizing, don't take it personally. Forgive them. Forgive myself.
 Let it be.
 Leave it alone.
 Whatever gets you through the night.
 Done?
 There will always be internal conflict unless one is truly enlightened.  If I'm doing the best I can, and treating people well, and keeping an eye on my resentments, etc - then it's okay. Like AA says, to quit drinking, first, stop drinking. Stop drinking first - good behavior - then work on the internal stuff. Likewise - live and eat well, and concern oneself with enlightenment at the same time, but first - good behavior. And don't mistake good behavior with being good. Anyone can fake being good. And what is being good anyway? If I can behave well, that probably means my goodness is somewhere in there - a result of religious/moral training?
 Yes. I want this day. Be good today.
 It's noon. Espresso and head home to chill. Overcast. Great day to chill, and do the cottage/life tasks that are right in front of me. Put on music I like to make it more exciting.
 The redundancy bugs me a bit, but I suppose the daily reminding myself how good my life is, which crowds out the negative thoughts and memories, and puts me in a path to good habits and healing - that's good. Just not sure I have to write it down here? But somehow, committing it to pixels confirms my commitment to the principal.
 I was poor, young, ignorant, foolish - not so much now. No matter how much I have I'll want more. Direct that feeling into doing better with what I have. Save, sew, clean, organize, sleep well, eat well, enjoy my friends, reach out to other people. Be a little more trusting.
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 Thu Feb 9.12 hm
 Minor relapse of minor flu - slight runny nose and tense throat. darn
 Made K beneficiary of Mech bank savings.
 And checked finance spreadsheet - only ~$400 in BoA checking - oh yeah? It was $1300 a week ago, then: Rent, angrylambie host (~$95), groceries, $66 parking ticket, cash withdrawal here and there - bam! Bills all paid for the month - so can I live on $400 till Friday/payday. Not much cushion, but yes. Should be able to, and this is what I did did years ago, and what I intended to do now. If it comes down to it I can use the Mech bank card - but the point is to make myself very conscious of my $$, to avoid waste and extravagance.
 To live - perhaps - as if I've already retired, and need to save every penny, and eat right.
 I can do this right now if I want - live the life I think I dream of: eating vegetarian, at home, good tasty healthy food, which will make me mentally and physically healthier, happier and more sane. And get more physical activity - if not exactly exercise.
 Anyway - that's true - trust myself to - believe in myself to do it. I can do it.
 Getting the $$ together builds confidence, eating better, too. Oatmeal for breakfast, cheap sushi lunches, salads. I'm getting close. Save my pennies. Eat well - it's not difficult, and I'm halfway there, and have the advantage of health food stores within walking distance. If not now, when?
 I don't realize how fortunate I am to be so near BART, WF, Berkeley bowl, etc. I have a bike. Do it. Beans and rice and veggies and spices and occasional fish. Nuts and fruit. Easy. Good. Happy. Entertaining.
 Seeing the $400 in savings was a mild shock. I've gotten used to having a few $K cushion, and that leads to overspending. Mild shock, but in a good way.
 Haven't met the front house cat yet - this weekend!
 Guerneville Jazz/Blues in Sept - tickets available in March.
 Finance spreadsheet redone to emphasize savings minus expected expenses, and it seems right and honest when I look at it - no inclination, at this point, to keep trying to fool myself; that kind of self-indulgent, lazy thinking hasn't gotten me where I want to be. I can be self-indulgent, thoughtfully pursuing desired activities, and not throw away money.
 Office head asked me to shoot passport-type photo today - little things like that are good. I fit. Part of the company. A known commodity, talent, personality. Trusted to do things right the first time. First name basis with practically everyone. Owed favors. Famous. Whatever. It's an excellent position to be in, esp in these hard times. And it gives me the opportunity to strategize for if and when hard times come my way.
 Develop good habits - eat well, be frugal, be good, be honest in dealings, be ambitious at doing my job well and taking advantage of opportunities to draw attention to my skills and value.
 And enjoy these days without reserve and without undue self-satisfaction, arrogance or self-delusion. Enjoy what there is to be enjoyed.
 Might want to create a little, too - music in particular. Creativity is fun!
 Jane & Toni, LA(?) ~1980.

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 Mon Feb 5.12 home
 3.5 IPAs and a burger at SP, fun Super Bowl, some guy from Georgia nearby chatted with him. Bike from there to dispensary and Whole Foods; used the cable to lock it up. Love biking. Lots of yard work yesterday - the front is looking good - southeast corner cleared out, so succulent growing large out of plastic bucket is visible, and all African violets are cleared out.
 Work seems okay - getting enough sleep and getting over that mild flu/bug helps.
 Thinking about flowers and The Birds tonight. Thinking about Iain and his boat, wishing I was in UK to help so the friendship doesn't fade, could make a transition during this jumbled up time.
 More financial stuff at work - worked on the charts, edited my finance spreadsheet to note CD. I'll need to save $1k/mo to hit the goal, and focusing in it, and putting $$ away in savings and CDs is a good start. I think that's ho9w I got to where I'm at some years ago - hard core, hiding it in savings, then I decided to have fun and feel flush. Cool. Done. Time to start over.
 Did some scans today from early 90s 4x5 Becky negs. Year? Same time as hanging out with Beate, Britney and all - Photoshop gender switch, polaroids, beer, mth, etc. So.. ~1992. After ~1991 Jenni. Last 120 shoots in photo workbook was ~1994 - after that was it all polaroids and photoshop? Really? 1994... till 1996 almost no serious artsy negative shoots? Did mth wipe out focus, soul, ideas, love, beauty - and chase away models, and bring out my angrymisanthropic side? Beate left. Others left. I became "difficult". Could be. But maybe not, too.
 Becky @ Big Shot, Oakland, CA ~1992.

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 Sun Feb 4.12 nm
 Yuchh - woke ~6:30 like clockwork - after getting to sleep a bit early (10:30) - watching some of Eric's Japanese sci-fi anime. Slight headache and sore throat - from the cleaner in bathroom? yesterday I was yucky most all day, too. Probably till at the end of this mild flu that hangs on for two weeks - this is end of second week. Chill.
 Plan was to do Russian River/Sonoma loop - got so far as dressed and "packed" - then... uh - no! I want to get out and do something, but this is not the day for long 4-5 hour drive.
 Tilden this afternoon sounds swell! 4 miles easy, but still decent exercise.
  Cece at the door lets me pet him lots - esp in the days when I have no food - connection? He comes for "love" which can be either food or pets. Glad the trust is growing. Maybe I need a cat/bunny/pet mammal of some sort. No a lava lamp, nor lizard, nor wall poster.
 To be an artist you need leisure time, meaning family money, or wiling ness to be somebody's sex toy/lover (Mapplethorpe); it take two generations to make a career.
 Leave the women alone - from long ago, keep fantasies private - JenB, Libby/SueL - long ago, some touch, some sex, some experimental exchanges, maybe sex lite, nudity/photos/talk - nothing solid, and in some cases nothing, or little: curiosity, new feelings, Leave it alone. Let it be. Don't try to grow a flower out of nothing, or bring people into my personal stuff. Enjoy my stuff, let it be mine, own it, don't "share" it intrusively and make believe it's something other than breaching boundaries. With some folks it's understood to be harmless and a reaching out from loneliness, and between adults it's okay so long as bag and baggage is not entirely moved into the fantasy zone. A little escape, sure. I've even got no response to shares, then seen humorous accepting comments later in out-of-context fb comments ("maybe the raccoons enjoyed the full moon-lit view through the skylight") - at least I interpret it as such. At any rate, no one has run entirely away. But still...
 ...when it's done, leave it be. No need to apologize or explain. It's understood. And it's cool. And fun. Because girls just want to have fun.
 Girls just want to have fun.
 Then if it gets serious, it's no fun anymore.
 Noon - Starry Plough for Super Bowl is an option - but groceries, organizing electrical flotsam at home, fresh air and a nice Tilden walk all are better.
 Need to watch the $$ - with the savings in the CD, I can't be extravagant.
 Figure out a way to get my driver's side door fixed - not replaced, spot-welded and repaired. Everything else about Siouxie is running fine. Thinking about a new car because of the fucked up door is extravagant. Start thinking, living, saving like the poor lower-working-class person I am.
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 Sat Feb 3.12 II Elmwood /home
 Home from Nomad - uploaded nice photo of yard goddess on bench.
 Eggs/bread lunch, with Cece hoping for chicken, chat with Buff, return Grateful Dead CDs/discuss - new cat on the way - Cece exceptionally friendly & trusting - let me pet and scritch him a lot, head, chin, neck - even belly(!) - even more so when Buff & I were both out, talking about repaired garden goddess, gardening, blossomging tree, etc.
 Borrowed green garden 'tape' and wrapped Chilean vines on side gate bunched together and closer to the post. Cleared out geraniums from  house front and around hose (at Buff's suggestion), and put bamboo hoop (Buff's inspiration) in the honeysuckle spot, and cut away all the vines except what are closest to the hoop - trying to make a pile of honeysuckle, instead of an all our explosion - given half a chance. that plant would cover the yard.
 Swept, and an old neighborhood black man coming through, I stopped to wave him past, and he asked if I could give a poor old man five thousand dollars - I said, "Why not ask Obama for it!" no, a bit surprised I just fumbled out a smiling "No", we exchanged wise cracks and he was on his way, planning his revenge.
 Mechanics to move 25 into 11mo CD. That felt right, and it easy - left enough in savings to keep my that rate. But not much room to spare.
 Telegraph, trade 3 CDs for Talking Heads live DVD. Dude asked me if I had a receipt - was he not trusting me, thinking I just walked out with them, or was he going to offer to give me a refund?
 Nice and warm today!
 Raspberry-filled doughnut. Moe's - sat and read Fritz the Cat, All President's Men, this and that. Old-fashioned cholocate glazed on way to car.
 Anyway - home - create parody of intense conservative propaganda painting.
 Elmwood laundromat. Wifi. Drying - walk out for food, everyplace is booked, lines out doors No recession in Elmwood! Cafe Roma came up with a good, warm prosciutto sandwich and OJ, and I realized how hungry I'd been as my mind cleared upon receiving nutrition.
 Fold. Home. Decide no WF - can't think of anything I need - except tofu and greens for rice dinners.
 Breakfast. Nomad. Lunch. Buff/Cece. Yard. Bank. Amoeba/Moe's. Home. Photoshop. Laundry/Cafe Rosa.
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 Sat Feb 3.12 nm
 Nomad again, but only had espresso & banana, after yummy stirred-for-10-mins Scottish oatmeal w/nuts/raisins in backyard.
 Slept well - bed @11:30, up @6:30, 2 hours internet - esp the Planned Parenthood/Breast Cancer brouhaha - which was fun politics (since my side won), educational and a big embarrassing loss for Tea Party/religious right. Against abortion? Let's use sneaky tactics to cut off cancer screening funds, then lie about it when exposed. Smart. Good thing the religious right is so stupid politically.
 After missing two weeks due to illness, and short-staffing at work, two Lost episodes last night. Got cheese, pretzels, raspberries and hummus for ~$16. And we actually talked about it - I sensed it in the air when son was in, a little guilt about only me taking on all the food expenses. Why not offer to help - right? - instead of just passively enjoying the gift without giving back blooded. But that's men & women. And me. But anyway - I haven't made any final decisions, so necessarily inconclusive, except she said flat out I didn't have to bring anything, and I said I know, and may cut back, but enjoy it, and will be making a decision. A more up-front discussion than I'd anticipated - shows we are both aware of the imbalance, and potential for discomfort/resentment; we all/both must have sensed it.
 Anyway. Still learning how to handle $$.
 Yesterday slow @work, so started finance spreadsheet-do. Also did two cascade charts - showing my current savings minus anticipated vacation/insurance expenditures, and also monthly after-tax income minus rent/food/BART etc. No way to be perfectly accurate, but feels good to gain the honest focus. Can't continue to pretend to have savings, when year after year I am treading water - and it's not necessary - I can do and have everything I want and, all things remaining stable, still save ~$10K/year. Anything can happen, but to budget is to assume, and encourage, stability. 
 All I'm saying is that extravagances, like $500 glass jellyfish, and $2000 worth of goofy Mendocino ceramics, and weekly overnight trips to the coast, and expensive sushi feasts in Santa Rosa, $2,000 unused laptop, etc - these are maybe a tiny bid overboard. I can do without them for one year, and see how it feels, and build up the savings, without depriving myself in any meaningful way.
 Take them out - but it all other ways continue to live and spend as I've been doing, and I'll be doing great.
 Keep talking, thinking, writing about it - more productive than the constant navel-gazing.
 Bottom line fact is my savings are somewhat south of 40, and I need to get serious about setting aside $500 every paycheck to make the nut. Also, in Oregon, in Guerneville, on the coast, a loose-money attitude, making part of vacation the pretending to be rich, that I can throw money away without consequence, not sure there's any but the smallest short-term benefit from that. Spending for spending's sake. It does not work. And the bottom line qualifier for the value of an activity is: Does it work? AA worked. Growing along a spiritual path - even if one is not spiritual/religious - works.
 Spending for fun - to pretend to be like "the others" who do appear to have lots of moneys, like in the magazines, like on TV - doesn't work. Gilmour Girls presented the bullshit notion that money grows on trees, we all have rich relatives, and lower-class people live in spacious two-story houses.
 I shit on TV.
 Walked over to Mechanics yesterday and deposited a grand. That leaves ~$1.3K in checking. Take it down ever further. Leaving 3, 4 or 5K in checking encourages sloppy spending. During the year I'll be distracted and what to get loose and have fun. But if I develop the habit if knowing there's not much $$ in checking, that I need to use discretion and care, creating that mental space now in the cold winter months, that's good.
 Maybe today put a bunch of it in a 5% CD. Yeah, that's good. Get hands on. Be thinking about frugality and taking frugal actions on a weekly/daily basis is a good idea. Make it mine.
 The $$ represents my work.
 Thought about coast - a bit cold - could still get over to Pt Reyes or something - north point, McClure's beach, but it still gets dark ~5:30, and I need to pull Tilden back into my range.
 Okay. Keep thinking about saving, not only for it's own sake and that illusive number, but because sober, frugal living is healthier, mentally and physically. I  - my life -am worth the effort.
  I did the change from bullshit breakfast, to eggs & protein, to oatmeal, to meals from a rice cooker - and I can make the change in my attitude towards what I get in exchange for my work - my hard-earned money! And not allow myself to be fooled by advertisers selling me the lie: Buy this and you will be an improved that.
 No. Thank you, but no.
 Never did hear back from SusanL, but it's good to know she is alive. I suspected as much when she promised 'no time to respond now, but will get back to you after the new year.' - yeah, I know that one. Still, cool.
 Oh - and - got two bills for angrylambie and davis80smusic sites, and thinking maybe davis80smusic has served its purpose - certainly has for me, and we probably have everyone; anyway, I can add it to the angrylambie site if it comes to that, or some other free blog site out there, or just on fb. So... yeah - let it go, and put all the stuff up on fb. It's time.
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 Thu Feb 2.12 nm
 Oops - down here in the am spending $$ on breakfast when I needn't - this could get expensive, unless I just get an espresso and leave it at that. Then I feel a little guilty about not supporting this place - then it builds from there. I need to be more cold-blooded if I want to keep to budget. This happens every new year - it happened 1.5yrs ago - I was up in SR a lot of weekends to watch True Blood w/Eric, and we'd go out for various expensive meals - then early 2011 I had "I'm going broke" reaction and said no more; it was important to get out on long rainy gloomy cabin-fever winter weekends, and expensive meals were fun and good socializing, and after watching food channel a lot I was interested in trying out new foods - but that's done now. O. Vur.
 There's some part of my brain that wants to spend a certain amount, and need to reach that amount to be satisfied - but I don't know what the amount is, or what part of my brain. Or of there's a replacement to spending money - it's how I know who I am, what I spend or not spend on, and how much.
 Focus.
 Setting savings aside in a different bank, and setting aside $$ already spoken for - vacations, auto insurance - is a good idea. I added things up yesterday, and what I actually have in savings, came out to less than I have in theory. I am several thousand below where I need to be to make this year's target, because I've subtracted the $5K for Oregon, Guerneville, and WEF - and I've always let those things sneak up on me, hoping they can be absorbed without impact, and not wanting to face reality that acknowledging those expenses in advance would crimp my enjoying the illusion that money brings happiness. Money does not bring happiness. The wise use of money creates a situation in which happiness is more attainable.
 Once money has been exchanged for house, food, clothes, fun and other essentials, there's no need to spend more for happiness, happiness can be better pursued without buying into the lie that the act of spending is what brought happiness - it's what I bought.
 Driving - I drive for fun - but driving to a place is better, getting somewhere new, or being at the place driven to - driving alone is not quite as satisfying, watching cool places go by without stopping to explore. Winter makes staying in the car cool, and a casual drive on a lovely summer day around the Nicasio/Pt Reyes loop is pretty grand - but, do get out and walk in nature. That
 Saving for it's own sake is also a tough sell, like trying to be celibate - I mean, married and true to one woman - in marriage one tried to stay true for the sake of keeping the marriage together, whole, real. I'm saving as a cushion, for a rainy day - maybe to a lesser extent for my hah-hah "retirement". So - look into cheap small ready-made houses - look into cheap land - make a goal for when I am no longer working, living on SS and odd jobs. What's do-able, what are other people doing? How much would I actually need to get a trailer home on rented land with taxes and sewage etc. I know nothing about it - so learning would be fun, and if I had a price tag, I could use that to give savings meaning, beyond a cushion, beyond something for Xo if I die.
 Anyway - point:  I can't be money smart and also make a habit of hanging at Nomad every other morning and spending $5-8 on food I could more/cheaply/healthily easily prepare and eat at home or work.
 Money money money.
 Savings savings savings.
 I want to do all I can to avoid being a burden, in the future, to family and friends. Artsy, sensitive, introverted as I am, grasshopper, that could be the end of my trajectory - but not necessarily.
 Anyway - nothing wrong and everything right about making a budget and sticking to it - or so I've heard all my life. A little, gentle discipline is all that's needed. Walk, and play and create instead of spend. Spending is not a creative act, though it takes some creative thinking. Don't be fooled. Spending is not a creative activity. Saving by not spending is far more creative.
 8:32 am - home now, shower, and head to work by 9:20.
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 Wed Feb 1.2012 nm
 Woke ~6:30am as usual - decided to take advantage, walked to Nomad, rainy day but no rain at the moment. Mocha, toasted poppy bagel w/cc, and a banana. Felt good, all here/now engaged in the neighborhood walking down Fairview to Shattuck to here, w/laptop in blue Cambridge bag.
 Thought it'd be good to continue to blog about finances -and les blogging about the daily pick-me-up, "I live in a good place, have a nice life, etc" - the daily 'I'm Okay, Who Are You?' minute  -important, but do I really need to put it down here every fucking day? No.
 Lots of people do a nightly prayer of sorts and a morning pick me up prep prayer of sorts.
 The bagel is good, as is the mocha.
 I'd need the motivation of a child to feed or a mortgage to pay to get really seriously focused on finances in a minute way - laser-like focus - free breakfast cereal and coffee at work is nice, but insubstantial - I don't *have* to have coffee, nor processed cereal - I can eat oatmeal w/ nuts/raisin or eggs at home for cheaper.
 The$7/day I spend weekdays for sushi/salad/sandwich could be cut in half if I carried lunch with me, brought pbj and salad/rice/tofu - be cheaper and healthier - I calculated ~$1K per year if I ate from home - in other words, the Guerneville Jazz/Blues fest would be paid for, and I'd be healthier. It would also encourage me to learn more about eating well, cooking, etc - a fun activity, and positive!
 Because we can't truly know another, we can only understand the world and it's rule by observing its affects on ourselves. And then, it's too late. But youth is not wasted on the young, if not for the ignorant and foolish chances we take when young, how would we define the boundaries of our strengths and weaknesses.
 Beautiful morning. Fun to get out early now the days are getting longer, not so cold.
 Jury duty guy at work, so working a few extra hours - OT is good, grab some - if I need to replace Siouxie this year, I'll need some extra bucks.
 iPhone renewal coming up - should I, or not?
 I'll be 58 in March.
 A bunch of High School mates are fb friending me - my memory of myself in mid-high school was an annoying, sarcastic hyperactive twerp. But that's not 100% of it - people remember me for my "art" - and no doubt I had quiet moments, serious and sincere - I remember wanting to be nice, likable, and fighting the monster within - mean, vengeful, isolated, angry - wanting attention for the injustice of rejections I'd lived with. Probably exactly the same Holden Caulfield as so many others.
 And the point  - I'm not at yet - will be, we were all the same schmuck, all the same insecurities - look at the smart, attractive people I've known and know and would I want their problems? Would I want anyone else's problems but my own?
 No. Feel my own pain. No one can harm you.
 Oops here I go again with the same old buck-up - I get it! What's the next step. Don't spin my wheels there - look to the next platform, which is serene and cool and leaves behind the past and learns from the past and says hey the view from here isn't bad!
 Nice view.
 Drama momma.
 Dad in and out of hospital again - looking into assisted living, and Beth says (on fb group) that doc brought up what to do if/when one or the other dies - who will go first. Then what?
 Okay - $$$.
 Email myself the Finance spreadsheet - rethink #s - build charts, cascade which removes vacation expenses from input - and removes $5K for car? Even if none of it comes true - and none of it will come true - it's a good exercise, interesting and fun to predict the future, and keeps my mind on thrift.
 Girls girls girls.
 Skipped Sooz/Lost for last two weeks because of cold and having to stay late at work.
 There was a plan - to blog about finances - with some clarity - but mainly, it seems , I just want to get out early and spend time in Nomad before work - a bit of time to myself, not surrounded by everything I own - thank you, Nomad. May you prosper.
 Yeah - do finances, do charts, re-do calculations, and make prominent $$ already spent - vacations, assume new car, auto insurance. Then save save save. Pennies count. Fewer expensive meals in SR, less food on TV night, more meals made at home - food is the big recreational activity, and driving and overnights on the coast - think of ways to save $$ on that count - a $20 campsite, bringing food with me, and investing the time to make sleep comfortable - again, that will be a fun, positive, healthy activity, and will save $$ in the long run, as well as a learning experience, which could lead to overnights on the coast and such, the things I've sort of dreamed about for decades but never did, partially because I think I don't know how. So, learn, slowly but surely. Through small incremental steps. $20-30 campsite, instead of $100 hotel. Sure there's no TV or wifi, and public toilets - but those are luxuries, like eating around SF for a year - I've had the luxury experience now - it was fun, but inconsequential, unsubstantial and unmemorable.
 So, what's next - that's sustainable!? Camping out. Always prepared. A tent. Good sleeping bag. Good padding and pillows. Good flashlights/lantern. Food prep  materials. Bread and eggs and peanut butter, grains, trail mix, water.
 Millions of people do it all the time, with less brains and experience than I. I see them fumbling back down the trails I'm climbing in the mornings - they look bedraggled and fucked out, and unhappy, tired. Like I'm afraid I'll be.
 Afraid of appearing weak.
 Feigning strength, fooling no one. There's real strength in there. Let is shine. No one can hide all their troubles, but one needn't nurse them.
 Okay - almost 8:30 - home by 8:45, shower, pack, leave ~9:15 - work at 10am.
 Did a somewhat important video project for IT/Partner - 12-day delay from tech issues, but got it done and up on Vimeo, successful and in front of the West Coast IT guy. So it was fun, frustrating and all good in the end. And it was video editing!! Yay.  :-)
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 Sun Jan 29.12 nm
 9:50am - slept, I think I woke up for an hour? Or was that Friday night? Uh-oh. No, woke at 6:30 this morning after being up till ~11:30.
 Fri: Still taking it easy to let body rest and fight off mild heavy-head cold(?), stuffiness.
 Check two old laptops - one seems to run fine . duh?!? - keep it; second - T-40 - has no charger; toss it. Dishes/sweep. Drive: Telegraph, park by People's Park, had mild flower and am generally feeling uncomfortable in public - well, maybe specifically scummy Telegraph vibe - remind myself they were once my brother scum, a necessary "home" when I had none - , but it goes fine; burned La Fiesta corner almost cleared; BoA for $200, creae-filled chocolate pastry, Amoeba for trade ($18) and buy: Remain In Light, Leon Russell, Milk Hotel and DVD documentary ~Powell and Myrna Loy. Hang and people-watch a bit.
 WF, eggs, bread, coconuts, apples, salad bar, oatmeal + nuts/raison trail mix. I can do this. Sure I get munchies and eat whatever's around - but that stuff is for breakfast and, in spite of lapses, I should do it and not tell myself I can't. I can change my eating habits.
 It's easy.
 Dad's in the hospital again - they are talking about assisted care, and what to do if one or the other dies.
 Times are easy for me now; they may not always be. Build up strength and fortitude, wisdom and good habits during these good times. Take advantage - relax, chill and enjoy, but do more than bare minimum for a rainy day, not in the distant future of potential old age, but for next week, or 6 months from now. If my job ends, or living space ends, or car dies, what do I need to have to make it through the year after. Not only $ savings, but having my stuff in order - files in file cabinet, cords and wires and electronic devices organized.
 Times are good - put aside a thought, establish habits of frugality, eating cheap and healthy, value enjoyment of meditation and simple living, walking and biking, car-free-life. Learn the bus system. Look for activates in walking-distance/public transit neighborhoods. North Berkeley is ~1hr walk. When was the last time I took a bus? Walk to Solano, bike to Solano.
 Bus to Tilden? Get the schedule and time it.
 Bus to Bragg?
 BART to Fremont and explore.
 Groceries away and drink a Chinese New year coconut - which was not as good as this morning's extra sweet coconut - oh, yes! - which rings some deep satisfying chord, from - some sweet childhood morning. Something sweet in the hills and alley's around Boston Commons and that hill. Youth. Energy. Clear mind. Freedom.
 Medicate & watch a onscreen kaleidoscope, which is beautiful but boring, even with music in the background - maybe if it was slower - re-watch Thin Man scenes, William Powell documentary and beginning of Myrna Loy... zzz. Pillows. Blankets. Heater...
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 Sat Jan 28.12nm
 Summer-like weather - had to swap t-shirt and for short-sleeved Hawaiian.
 Fri: After-work walk to Chinatown - decided to give my mildly-flu'ish system a break and not do Telegraph Hill - two steamed pork buns and a chocolate macaroon. Helped a group of Germen(?) tourists towards Chinatown gate and cable cars. Helping tourists is fun - feeling helpful, and helps me learn my way around, and how to give accurate, simple  directions - people who are lost and isolated - though that might be fun in some cases, and I try to be sensitive to the difference and not interfere unnecessarily -, and my small reach out, human touch, they feel less alone, as do I, and they feel confident of where they're heading, and I feel; a little less in my shell, so win-win-win.
 Bed early last night - been using the stronger skunk/lime and maybe I should be paying attention to that. Withdrawing a bit - getting into the Winter gloom mode - borderline 'depressed' signs - not emotionally, but not getting out, staying in bed on days when I could do Tilden - I do get out for drives, but still. Keep an eye on that. meds can lead to isolating.
 Up ~~2-3am, internet - than up again ~10, eggs & bread, Cece hears clatter of dishwashing (another sign of something gloomy, didn't do dishes for days, stopped eating salads and eating bread and canned soup instead - so, good I'm eating at home, but why not eat the god green healthy salads waiting anxiously in the fridge?) -  waiting gets chicken, seems very interested in cottage; after chicken, while I ate eggs, he sat by my feet, sniffing my sandals, then went ~3/4 across cottage threshold, and let me touch his head and tail when he walked out.
 Slow but sure gaining of trust.
 Attended a work Town Hall Fri, gets my presence out there as a member (not outsourced) of the company, a reminder of my value and dedication to supporting and all the good things I've done; I've been around for 13 years, part of the history, "famous" one Manager told me. Doesn't really mean a thing - or does it? It means I've been successful, have grown, learned, matured a lot from this job experience, and have obviously impressed people. So, don't say it's meaningless - broadly, out of easy-to-mock business-world context, it's very cool for me, says something good about me, that I can retain my space, my personality and eccentricities, and succeed in that culture.
 Things to clear off the plate today: toss two old laptops from work after checking hard drives; groceries; ride bike to Amoeba/trade in old CDs; Tilden(?); move 2011 digi into backup; yard work.
 Anxiousness can be dealt with with a little exercise and eating well - get some veggies in me.
 Woke up, slept in, comfy bed with lots of pillows and clean bed clothes, light through skylight, food in fridge,  hungry cat by the door of my super-cool cottage, sunny garden to sit on my funky wooden chair and eat breakfast, good people up front, a wifi cafe down the street, and on and on. I may envy people who seem to have more, but I have all I need and more. At least once a day, say yes, say I love this life, my life. It suits me. I want to be in a situation where I get a little help from my friends; an anonymous overpriced isolated box in an apartment building sounds to me like a nightmare. Trapped by economic need. Apart from all other people. Yuck.
 Maybe it would be fine, people could visit, come over for TV, but...
 Still no word from SuzL - maybe a lot of that interaction was Holidays reach out - because it's all gone very quiet, including my need to reach out with old photos and such. Nothing from Chris C. And it feels okay. Leave it to be what it is. It will grow  and glow when ready.
 Reading a 400+ page narrative-style history of Rome on BART. So far, so good, Ghost of Dad-approval desire does not seem to be on my shoulder disapproving, comparing unfavorably. Glad I lived to see the day.
 Reconciliation has allowed me to be more real - more truly myself - I'm unconsciously checking peripheries for sensitive spots - but so far, it's all good. I suspect that I come across as a more friendly, less distracted, more sane person because that poisonous demon is leaking and shrinking - I have been ready to let it go for a long time. I pleased my father by being willing to be in the same room with him, and help him, and hug him and say "I love you." And I pleased my mother by helping her husband, she said "It's like medicine to him." Win win win.
 I don't want to be a different person, don't want to be reborn, want to be me, but healed. And am making decent progress. It's the same for everyone.
 Being involved in the North Allegheny fb reunion page, and specifically putting up photos (seems to be one of my purposes, and the importance I attach to photos is universal), dead classmates, which (may have?) encouraged others to do the same, learning that a lot of the folks I met in Ingomar etc had been going to school together forever, that on top of being hyper/sensitive/wimpy/obnoxious I was the 'new kid' - and reading what they say about their friendships, mishaps, misbehaviors, missed opportunities, regrets, challenges - seeing those who died from drunk drivers, suicides, ski accidents, cancer, blinded and dead from diabetes - the brevity of life - the lightness of teenage socializing. Who am I now? What about today? We are tools to each other to reinforce our memories, and help us know who we are now, and how we got here, and how we can do better.
 Verrry interesting. Reconcile w/Dad - I wonder did that help me be more open to fb high school reunion, because I feel I can interact/communicate without fearing people sense the big demon in me, waiting to react sharply to any perceived slight.
 Another 30min to Peta download completion, then out to do things. South Berkeley. Whole Foods. Laptops out. Find someone to teach me garage band - or, find a book?
 No Paypal, no eBay, no Amazon, no well Fargo. And all is well.
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 Wed Jan 25.12 wk
 Mild cold - stuffed up, light body aches/dizziness. Last Weekend experiencing mildly painful skin sensitivity to cold - blamed it on "growing old" or some such - so a relief to discovery it's a cold or mild flu. Taking decongestants, and blue liquid last night. Short-term memory slightly fucked, but still able to do job, and helping lots of people.
 I feel like at work lately people have been a bit more friendly - maybe I'm just noticing it more?
 Talked to M&P for ~30mins - Dad seemed anxious to talk - Mom less so - Mom was not there the first 25mins, taking a stool sample to the hospital - oh dear it's tough, and I am not experienced, so young; Dad mentioned taking me to some Civil War battlefield during my "next visit" - should I be looking at a Spring visit - May?
 Scanned and uploaded ~24 dead high school kids to the fb NA reunion site. Good response - it's - what's the word? It's a wake up - that we all die - that we can't go back, there are no re-do's. The kids we envied, who had more money, looks, hair, personality - the kids we envied or snubbed - they committed suicide, died of cancer, died in snowmobile accidents, went blind from diabetes then died, died middle-aged, died young... we were so young, didn't know a fucking thing. Our getting socialized, learning to get along, in clubs, writing papers - oh my.
 Anyway - it's not a profound thing, what I/we are experiencing looking at this wall of young faces who are dead now. but a personal reckoning - that we will die too, and that we took ourselves a bit too seriously at that age, drove our parents crazy.
 Not sure what I'm feeling - but that those days are gone - really gone - and I'm not sure what to make of them. Society as a whole trying to keep and protect and educate us, trying top indoctrinate us with the national religion, preparing us to die in Vietnam or what foreign war the empire was fighting this year. And the 60s just over - rebellion and long hair and off the pig and fuck the man in the air. The Who, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, Beatles, R&B, Black Sabbath.
 Anyway - waiting for this one to sink in. That I feel I care about some of those who died - but what does that mean? Memories that are gone. Opportunities to make things right or somehow change the past, change people's perceptions - tell people how I turned out - it's all seems meaningless and unimportant in that face of death and the past 40 years so clearly defined. But - nothing is without value in our lives  it was a defining event, high school - and it's natural to be curious how we all turned out.
 Does this decade make me look fat.
 Fat old man. Natural. Relax and enjoy.
 Giving the HS reunion thing time to digest. Some of these people remained friends - I lost them all when I moved, though there wasn't much to begin with. Wound up making and almost keeping a few in South Charleston, but the thread - whatever there was of it - was broken.
 So... here I am. I made it through anyhow. Didn't die, or get wounded, or go blind, or get a crippling disease.
 And I like to think rarity of serious cold/flus etc is partially because of healthy lifestyle - good food, very little alcohol or cigarettes, positive outlook such as it is, valuing my friends, conquering some of my demons. The lack of serious regrets surprises me - they can arise given the right circumstances - but generally, waking up every morning to "Yes! Thank you! Be good today." works pretty well. Enjoying photography, garden etc...
 CC the one-eyed cat on the arm of the chair this morning, peering in the window, looking, hoping, demanding, praying for chicken!
 Slow day at work - which is good since I'm under the weather.
 Having a sort of negative attitude about coming into work. Nothing above average, but I'd prefer to focus on the positive - not simply, that I have one, in a fatalistic sense - but that I enjoy it, enjoy a lot of my work, and the people I work with.
 Okay... falling in love with William Powell in Thin Man - may look into more of the series.
 And plan a trip home when the weather is better,
 And work on the family movies - M&P will enjoy them, and if I wait till after they die, I'll regret not doing it now.
 Okay.
 & Call K for beneficiary info for Mechanics.
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 Sun Jan 22.12
 Raining & cold. Not bad.
 Up till ~2am after hanging till 1:30 2/G&S. Bad Cat TV show and lots of catching up.
 Two Sapporos and ice cream - feeling mildly "hungover" this morning? Up at 8am, back to snooze until ~11:30am. Lentils/eggs/salsa, squeezed a lemon and small orange into water - so tasty! - banana & espresso @ Nomad. Throat mildly tight - that's been going on for a while, but mainly in cold weather - I think - pay attention. Small does of low-psychoactive/high painkiller flower. Forgot all a bout it - doesn't seem to help the throat discomfort - but may have helped tension around eyes. Maybe I should have an Advil. Sugar, dairy (had yogurt at home after ice cream @ G&Ss), beer - could be a sugar hangover.
 Drink lots of water to flush it out, and avoid sugars today. You play, you pay
 Breakfast - start on oatmeal with fruit & nuts? Tofu/fish & rice? Tofu smoothie with one egg? Rice & steamed veggies proving very filling and satisfying - means focused time management, making a big bowl of rice in advance and warming up a scoop in the morning, toss in some tofu/fish(?), veggies. Why not? Filling and healthy. Quicker then boiling eggs even - 15 mins to heat water and cook eggs - 5 mins to warm up rice and fish//tofu/veggies.
 Look into some fish options. Build habits during cold/short-day winter months, so they remain in place during lazy, crazy, hazy days of sum-mer!
 49s in playoffs this afternoon; don't know if Buff is around/wants company. If no, Starry Plough. That'd be cool, good for the area if they won. Amazing game last week - can't live up to that, but - a lot is at stake culturally, civic price-wise.
 I need a wife to prepare my healthy meals, encourage and admire me, work up a social scene for us, bounce ideas off of, lick my balls (etc), and remember birthdays etc. Really, a slave would do just as well. Or a robot.
 No, I say I got a lot of my shit in one pile - creating a positive physical environment - *my* space - cottage and yard - , eating better/using the kitchen/focusing on health, decent job (if not a "Career" - it takes a couple of generations to make a career I read recently, which takes a bit of sting out of not having one) - but there may still be a bit of isolation - but I get a bit hyper, over reactive in crowds - I think, at trivia contest two weeks ago, I was a bit manic. And I think, well, that's who I am, let them see "real" me; then, after, I imagine how it - I - may have appeared, and it's like, ooo-kayyy... a bit odd. Hyper. Unfocused. Manic and uncomfortable.
 Like, get me the fuck out of here and into the fresh air and wide open spaces.
 I'm a sensitive cat, no crowds please - though outdoor crowds, like music concerts, work.
 And hey, how about going to a music concert this summer - one of the hippie/reggae gig up north. A few lazy summer days filled with music might be very cool.
 2pm - game at 3? Home soon and chill, take an Advil and lots of water.
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 Sat Jan 21.12 hm II
 Oh so slow today. And that's good.
 Long hot shower ~1; made lentil/curry quesadillas w/salsa for lunch - that worked! Big load of laundry to Elmwood where I took advantage of fast wifi to download hentai. Donuts from next door, but no Diet Coke.
 Biked to WF for ~$35 worth of coconut, apples, lemons, rice, yogurt, eggs, bread, salad - not bad. The rice and veggies/beans business - making rice foundation of a lot of meals is a sound idea, because it fills you up, and brown rice has lots of good stuff, or so I hear. Tonight, rice, and after it dinged, added coconut veggies and curry slop. That worked fine. Cool.
 Dishes done, bed clothes all clean(!), showered and fed, food in fridge, yard under control, bike in good shape (including good lock system, and front and back lights).
 Restless. But I am visiting friends, and interacting in the world, even just the Nomad, laundry, 7-11 and Whole Foods. Not isolated.
 To go vegan, I'd have to stop all meat, eggs, and dairy. Finding a replacement for eggs/morning/breakfast needs some thought. Suppose I could go for cereal and coconut milk, but where's the protein? Eggs, meat, milk have been central to my breakfasts for my whole life - so what's the replacement?
 Leaving for G&S in ~5 mins.
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 Sat Jan 21.12 nm
 Sitting in a black wicker chair, on a platform at north end of Nomad, breezy morning, but not currently raining. Wearing green jeans with holes below left buttock, black bikini briefs, Birkenstocks, Deathstock t-shirt beneath PUCP/Peruvian sweatshirt. Russian tea cake, banana, and espresso on the round topped metal table. On table, besides food, blue, laptop-carry bag from Cambridge, Canon Powershot, a little worse for wear after being dropped on wet sand when I tripped and fell flat on my back after Guerneville Jazz/Blues fest, my old-man British cap and hanky used to dust laptop screen and keyboard.
 Slept well, yay!
 After work Fri, it was raining and windy, so I decided fuck the Berkeley Rep, the review I read was mixed, and who wants to go out in the cold and rain - fuck it. Relaxed w/Internet's redundant reading, ~6:30 made brown rice, after the ding (~30mins later?), stirred some coconut veggies in and left to warm, and ate. Yum! Then I felt better and thought why not? So drove over, parked in my usual illegal place near campus that's only ticketed 1-in-10 times. Play was good - excellent acting(!) and staging, as always - good enough to stay for both acts. Stopped in 1/2 Price Books after, snagged Twisted(?) Thing for $0.41. Cheapest book in the store said saleswoman.
 The rice & veggies thing worked very well - I just stopped buying cheese, suspecting cheese snacks were partially responsible for recent weight gain. All I need to do is buy some veggies and cut them up - sautéed or not, eat with rice - filling, fibrous, low-fat, non-dairy; add fish on occasion for protein. I could do it easily - and furthermore, I could bring rice and veggies to work, heat up, and have a healthier, tastier lunch/dinner.
 Easy, if I want to do it, to prioritize it. Not so easy to keep up all year - but every time I take these steps, even if I fall back, I rarely fall entirely back, some experience remains and sticks.
 Savings @ 40 (with vacation $ pulled out) - I'll need to put aside ~$833/mo to make my goal - that means every paycheck I need to walk a $400 check over to Mechanics. I should be able to do that easily - but I need to re-do my budget calculations on my Finance spreadsheet/chart @ work - I've been afraid to touch it for year, but it's outdated. Rework it - create charts based on monthly list of savings: Cluster chart to show where savings should be compared to where they are, 100% bar chart to show spending spread, and cascade chart to show "savings" minus vacation spends. I like it.
 Generosity need to be further trimmed back. I've done this before, then weaken - so set parameters within I weakness can be accounted for, allow for weakness/freedom/fun/delusion/illusion, but set aside the minimum so the weakness does not cut into the savings.
 There was that Davis housemate who told me he had - what was it - $20K savings? - which he never touched - I could tell in his voice it was a deeply held conviction, to keep the cushion for emergencies. That would be a good strategy to develop. Making the savings sacred, more or less. Which means, if I'm short - unless there was absolutely no way out - say for emergency spending, or for a replacement car - if I run short, then savings come first, and vacations - must be cut - maybe no Guerneville extravagance, drive up on the day and stay @Eric's, or less time in Oregon, or sleep in my car or w/M&J @WEF. Or one or all need to be cut out.
 My attention needs to get focused on my financial and physical health, lest a heart attack or financial emergency demands my attention. Not to over dramatize - but, you know, really. There need to be support text on my cottage wall and dry-erase board. This is do-able if I want it enough - and that's what I'm unsure of.
 Like everyone, I spend emotionally - missing momma, eat more; feeling lonely, run to the backroads. So, put the savings away, stop thinking of it as being available, and live within my means. If it's "available", it's like cash burning a hole in my pocket - thinking of my available $, instead of what it is after vacation pre-spends, instead of thinking of it minus monthly savings, makes me feel like I got surplus. There is no surplus. Extravagance needs to be corralled by responsible planning.
 Otherwise I may wind up being a burden to others, in my family, or friends, or to society. Illness could make that unavoidable, but saving now makes other scenarios less likely. And give peace of mind. And creates a sense of self-satisfaction, in the same way cooking my own food does - that I'm not (completely) controlled by my passions in important areas - I can let passion direct my enjoyment of music, and walking at night, and biking and visiting the ocean, and photography, friends, sensual delights, etc etc. But budgeting and health need specific, organized, disciplined care - a little gentle self-discipline is likely all it takes. No need to be hard-ass on myself.
 So can one really separate those two out, and be slack about the rest? Or does one need to have a web of discipline throughout - is it like morality, where doing wrong in some areas slops over like rotten apples into areas where it is essential to do right?
 Focus on doing right and responsible in health and finance, and perhaps the wisdom and benefits of gentle discipline in the rest of my life will become more apparent.
 Okay.
 Today - nada - I need a good cutting knife for the kitchen - maybe some groceries and a load of laundry wouldn't hurt - check out those two old laptops and trash them if they're clear. Easy relaxing day, reading that history of Caesar's Rome, the cottage is pretty tidy, but there's always more can be cleared out.
 But overall, these continue to be good times. I attribute some of that to getting food together, so assume that getting my finances in order - I have to take a hard look at that feeling that saving is somehow selfish - assume that getting that in order will bring other good things to my life, and when my life is good, my family, friends and circle/tribe all benefit.
 Yes. Think long-term.
 Oh, yeah, and the play about fathers, got me thinking about what I was born into, which was - the foundation family narrative: 
 My father's father died before my father was born, and my father is sick - he has Tuberculosis and is Diabetic, and has to inject himself in the thigh with a insulin every morning; his older brother was killed in the war.
 My mother's family has troubles, her father drinks to much and was mean to his wife because she couldn't have more babies; he fought in WWI, then gave up on life and lived in the past. My mother's brothers all drank too much, and her sister is sick a lot.
 Both families were hurt by the depression - no money, from decent jobs to no jobs - Dad's sisters had to drop out of school and work in playing card factories.
 But the main thing, before alcohol, before the Depression or illnesses, was that Dad's Father Died Before Dad was Born - My Father Had No Father - . Had to get my head around that one.
 The narrative was that in order to be a man, like my father, I had to suffer greatly, against great odds - but I *have/had* a father, and I am not sick. My male role model was a conservative, intellectual, Catholic sick man with no father. And priests.
 Just a thought provoked by a play.
++++++++++++
The former president now says he consumes no meat, no dairy, no eggs, almost no oil.
"I like the vegetables, the fruits, the beans, the stuff I eat now," Clinton told Gupta.
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 Fri Jan 20.12 wk
 Went in early and changed Tuesday Sooz TV plans to hang w/Heather/Gui/Gil, but Heather bailed, and didn't hear back re dinner w/G&G, so eh! I got extra sleep. Last night did Lost w/Sooz - Judd/Caroline back in Taiwan. Cut back on food - ~$13 for cheese, hummus & raspberries - try to keep it to ~$15/wk - that sounds better than the ~$25 I've been spending, and more when J&C were in town.
 Just - be frugal - it's the time - be frugal day-to-day, then I'll be able to afford the big things - Oregon, Guerneville, WEF, new cameras - and still make my savings goal.
 Might this be the year? I've added the subtracted $4K from my annual budget savings target - that'll keep my focus more real.
 Raining a little - and cold at night, but piling the pillows around me, wearing ankle-high slippers Eric gave me, using a bit of Line-flowers, watching clips from The Thin Man over-and over - sometimes letting myself fall asleep with music, comedy, movie playing - and sleeping well. There's been some general anxiety - which I think is mainly about Dad being sick and adjusting to that new reality - and approaching mortality -, my thought more than usual have been of the "I could die any time" variety - giving up and leaving off the blame parents stuff - family moves into the present and that's a stuttering adjustment - but it's all good, darkness into light - healing, improving.
 Me and my hyperactive, sensitive, introverted, creative self. Gimme a garden to keep busy in, get dirt into my skin, plant vine on gates as a vote of confident that the future has a chance of arriving.
 A plan - I need an actual budget plan! Something to make saving central, when the temptation to indulge is strong. Making saving and frugality fun and sexy - more fun and sexier than PRETENDING I'M RICH BY SPENDING MONEY.
 Been there, done that. Move on. Learn to play the guitar.
 Berkeley Rep tonight, G&S Sat, football Sun? Get out for a walk even it's it's drizzling. But generally, feeling okay.
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 Mon Jan 16.12 hm
 Lv ~10 north - eggs/lentils, Nomad espresso, pleasant drive to Nicasio. Cold but sunny, and looked like forecasters got rain prediction wrong -
 Stop for a few books at Rancho N, slow drive around reservoir, stop in Pt Reyes Station for bear claw & chai. mmm!
 Backroad to Limantour, far as trail, but decided day is not long enough for a 6-mile hike, sunny and lovely, so back out and North towards Bolinas. Lovely drive, - big whack of nostalgia entering the road to Bolinas - memories of Rick from Ann Arbor, Becky partially nude in the cemetery, Jennifer B nude in the cemetery, me nude in the cemetery, Shelley, Alice the German girl nude in the cemetery - park downtown and walk to beach, stroll for a bit, lovely lovely sensual lapping ocean, kind of cold but tolerable, very low tide, lots of rocks, shells and offshore sandbars.
 Some sad nostalgia, for gone youth, for gone women, memories - but was fighting off being unsettled and anxious all day. Not too awfully bad, but not real serene. Winter blues? Meh.
 Orange drink and potato chips, curvy south past Bolinas Lagoon, through Stinson and south instead of inland route - out of curiosity, whole day was reconnecting with these areas I used to hang out in - sad about the dreams of living in Bolinas dying, but the dream inspired me to recreate that vision in my life, amongst friends and my living circumstances. Bolinas realistically - not the fantasy of instant LRY summer camp group of friends - in my heart. with haven't done that drive in a dog's age! Scary high drop-offs and sharp curves. Those rough rentals down by the ocean. Want!
 Meds 2x. Nice. Driving was good. The sunny day was amazing.
 Home with plenty of light and reasonable traffic. Jack in the Box "burger", fries an "chocolate" "shake" to complete the "summer vacation in January" fantasy. Home for an hour or so, then drive to WF for tortillas, salsa, 2 coconuts - just had one - gosh I love them - magical feeling.
 Sleep in tomorrow, wk 10-6:30, dinner with Gil, Heather & Gui. BART home late - yuck.
 Didn't get replacement cheese for tortillas, nor yogurt. Thinking I'm consuming too much dairy and that's part of why I'm fat. Also gave more thought to $$ business. Less food on Tuesdays. Arrange savings to emphasize outflow, and encourage less frugality. In my $$ spreadsheet, pull out $4k to cover Guerneville/WEF/OR, so I can see what's really going on.
 Okay...
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 Sun Jan 15.12 NM
 Ahh - Slept in a bit -
 Sat: Watered and looked for bits of broken garden goddess, then 49s vs. NO Saints play-off for spectacular game with amazing finish! Split 6-pack of Lagunitas IPA w/Buff, who I owe debt of gratitude to for inviting me in for great sports events over the years - and esp yesterday. Good fun, and loaned me Grateful Dead CD collection for my iPod.
 Volva to WF for salsa/eggs/coconut etc, and flowers/Mitch Hedberg live DVD till sleeptime.
 Thinking maybe to get up early and do Pt Reyes trails, but it's cold and overcast, and even though now the sun is out, it's still chilly/cold, so glad I didn't go. Wind and cold - no - time to rest. Take it easy. Be in the moment and enjoy. No need to drive and do and move and explore every free day or weekend. Chill.
 Couple of double mochas, banana and bagel w/cc here at the Nomad.
 What to do about $ to get my serious unshakeable focus on it. Almost have to make it inaccessible - that is, put a big chunk of it into a CD? But that also feels irresponsible, because part of the point is to have the savings for emergencies, and if the emergencies arrives and I can't get to the $$ - ? So leave out enough to take care of anything that might come along - and put - ? $800/mo into savings. I can do this. It can be done. I just need to decide it's a priority.
 Seriously - how to do it? Talk to someone at Mechanics - financial advisor of sorts - ? So that every time I think about eating out, even for lunch at work, I realize I'm getting near out of ready cash, and need to make and bring my own lunch - and dinner! - to work. Rice and tofu with some greens should be every do-able. I don't have house payments or child for motivation/fear - so I need to make my own, and it needs to be real. It's about being smart, not about rebelling against my upbringing as consumer - just being wise and living right, same as cooking my own food and eating healthy - keeping myself financially healthy. I can have everything I need, and most of what I want - but part of what I want is to be lazy, undisciplined and live in a fantasy where I am financially independent and secure. There is no such thing in life. No absolute security. Having money will not make me immortal.
 So - it must be done.
 Over the last two years I learned to cook and that's been swell.
 Over the last few years and until now I've been better financially, but this is the time to pull my shit into one pile. Get my financial shit together. That might mean that if Siouxie breaks, I go car-free for a while. I can bike to errands, and busses got to Marin - not as much fun - inconvenient - maybe even have to go with friends. I don't *need* a car except as a convenience, and for the pleasure of getting out into backroads, the ocean, etc.
 Just saying.
 Tighten the belt. Think about what I really *need* - not *want* - to survive.
 Trying out the various flower products to determine what works for me was also expensive - that's settled and I need very little. I need it as much as some others need a glass of wine with music and a book at night. Flower, and car for trips to the coast are essentials to quality of life while I have the youth and health to enjoy them.
 I just need clothes and food. I cut my own hair. I do not have the expense of a girlfriend. My car is old and reliable. If I put away a grand a month between now and Summer I'll be in good shape. I've thought about using $$ to satisfy my curiosity about strip clubs and such - but that falls into the trap I've been in p stuck ~40, comfortable there, so I allow myself to spend as much as I like so long as I don't fell below that bar, instead of trying to get above the next bar. Don't know why. Doesn't matter why. Just do it. Aim high. It will be good to strategize and have a goal that disciplines my sensory grasping for sensual experience. Assuming I cant change - or it's too dangerous to change.
 That if I stop bringing food to people, something bad will happen. It will be as much as admitting the suspicions are true - that I consciously use $$ to buy my way in. Or - perhaps worse - I fear people will take it as an insult - that I don't care anymore. That they did something wring and I'm punishing them.
 That's ridiculous, as most fears are.
 Just tell people, I'm getting my financial house in order, and budgeting, and am cutting back expenses - without charactering the cut-backs, or over-explaining the decision making process re what gets cut and what doesn't.
 Fewer meals in SR, less Tuesday food. That will be fine and acceptable all the way around - so long as it's acceptable for me. It's been fun, but also redundant - same things over and over for years. The point is made - I love you - the foods have been tasted - various cheeses etc - and now the "generosity" has served it purpose and it's time to quit.
 There's an edge of showing off to it. Stop spending. Start saving. Simple.

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 Sat Jan 14.12nm
 Man, loving this beautiful weather - just like summer, sunny and plants blooming early, except the air is cold, but no breeze - t-shirt weather.
 Up ~6:30 for internet, back to nap, and up again ~10:30 for eggs/lentils (out of salsa), watered front and back yards - esp front yard chamomile, and side gate Chilean red flower plant (Buff tricked me with plastic red flower, which I photographed, at night, and was going to put on fb - damn you!). Hang with Tigeress/Buff in front - maybe watch some of the 49's playoff game this afternoon.
 Tempting to go to Reyes or Olampoli, but maybe Sunday or Monday (MLK day) with an early start.
 I always start a new year thinking to be frugal and save to 50 target, but don't take concrete steps, just count on new-year enthusiasm and fresh-start mentality to success - but it hasn't for years! There's got to be a strategy. And now I've gotten in the habit of getting things I want - like hotels on the coast, WEF hotel, and now the Guerneville Jazz festival - not to mention two weeks in Oregon. It adds up!
 But would I be willing to do without Oregon, WEF, Guerneville? Or go to Guerneville alone, or stay with John & Marge over WEF? Visit J&M soon, see how the healing goes.
 And accept the photo albums and grave stones as resolved and visit Shelley's farm? Emailed Shelley about envelope full of photos I found. Hate to give up the photo booth strips, which are mine, and Shelley is not even in most of.
 Thur pm after work, trivia with IT work folk at nearby bar. 2 IPAs. Fun! I got a couple of things right. Heard some Gorillaz that I liked.
 Fri pm, farewell Lost party w/Judd/wife/Sooz. Internet connection was jacked up, but we managed to two good ones, ate raspberries, Stilton & Spanish cheese, strawberry pie w/whipped cream, pretzels, water, green slop, etc. I can't remember the names of the food - the pie - strawberry and rubash? Rhubarb! The Persian green slop we eat every week - from peas - feh. My poor tired mind. (Hummus!)
 New person @work quit after 4 months - gave two week notice then left after 1 day. Sucks. More work while we find someone else, then have to train them again. Work will be less relaxing, but you know - work to live. Deal.
 I do work to live - I work so I can own and fuel a car to visit the coast, wood, trails, enjoy evenings at home with hemp, music, good food, and with friends, some of whom I feed.
 I fed Chae for months/years - then had some regrets. Am I wrong to spend so much $$ on food for people who can probably afford it, even if it means a lot to them and they would regret losing it? I count up the big tickets - Oregon/Guerneville/WEF - but the meals I buy add up to a few thousand a year, too - if I want to count annual expenses. I could not do any of those for a year and be more than flush. But then I wouldn't be living fully as I  like. But I am concerned than I am 'buying' friendship - or buying my way into their homes, because my mere presence isn't enough. But it is common to bring gifts to people when visiting - even if just tobacco. Generosity & me have issues. But I could give up buying food for people, and would I be happier? Would I be more healthy, wealthy and wise? Wealthy yes. Healthy - probably, because I'd be eating less and healthier. And yeah, it would be wise, because it's become a habit that ignores the long term. Maybe it was a replacement for family/friends - creating an artificial environment where we go out to eat with friends. Like other people do. By my paying for it, I am controlling it, and I preempt the feeling that I am not getting my share but bring it myself.
 That's a little deep - but there's some truth to it.
 In a more perfect world I would not be a walking potluck. I would have friends over who all bring a little something. Or be invited in and bring a little something. That's what I want. Okay. So, go get it. Stop buying food and see what happens. $25-30/wk = $1,220/yr. And yes, worth it! But. But I feel it comes from a dark place, accepting my brokenness, unworthiness. Yet, it is to friends and people I care for, not strangers or friends of friends.
 Okay. So. What? How about knocking it down to $15/week. And fewer meals in Santa Rosa. And put aside an allotted amount every month to savings, and live within my means.
 Talk is cheap. Action is what counts. Put the $$ aside for OR/Jazz/WEF - add it up, and put it aside - put savings into short-term CDs. Then live within that - eating at home, bringing/storing food to work. Make that savings a priority. Summer will come, and I will want fun and games and live-for-today with no limits, behaving as if rich, to see how it feels to spend as if there were no limit - but at the end of the year, my savings are flat and I know that the lack of discipline spreads through my whole life, when a little gentle intellectual, spiritual and financial discipline would bring health, serenity and contentedness into my every day.
 In the meantime - what a beautiful day!
 G&S tonight?  Haven't seen since awkward Thanksgiving.
 After Starry Plough gig, S asked about my non-appearance at parties. Awkward. I took it into myself, Said I don't always know what I'm tripping about - but it's, when have we ever sat down for a real chat? But that's not the point - I am awkward in groups, I sit quietly, or gt over stimulated. I wander, seeing other engaged in conversation, from which I am left out. And I don't like it. Because I feel much more like a piece of the heart of the story than some of them. But if I go there thinking I've earned a spot because of a past history, and that should be enough, so I don't bring anything else, except who I was, then it's on me to bring more, myself, now, at my best, that day. Am I listening? Am I sharing?
 Okay. Sunny summer day in January - football w/Buffalo?
 No more from sL. Okay. And all the holiday contact, where I - and perhaps all of them - want to be in touch, and not feel alone, and connect with those who know or have known us. It was there when we needed it - god bless facebook and the internet - and now we go back to our lives, with networks refreshed, photos distributed, etc. No regrets about sending out photos/links. It's all good.
 BUT! take the ~$3.5K Guerneville/OR/WEF - or add it up and get a real # - and remove it from my budget - it doesn't exist if it's spent - and live within that to strategize to my desired savings target.
 Action is all that counts.
+++++++++++
 Mon Jan 9.12 wk
 Owch - changed WEF hotel to Mothers Day weekend, extra v$150 dang it. One way of looking at it, I suppose - combination of WEF Davis hotel and 10 days in Oregon = ~1 two-week paycheck. Pricey - but not insignificant - both very enjoyable events I look forward to and benefit from - good food and music, wandering the campus at night, and a relaxing drive, morning low tides and evening sunsets, or walking in the low surf on the flat beach till it gets dark. Get a beach chair and umbrella this year, and spend some serious time reading at the edge of the surf.
 Cooking my own food. No cigarettes. No alcohol. Little red meat, lots of vegetables & rice. May even get in a little meditating, eh? Expensive. Worth it.
 I dislike paying $150 a night for a hotel - but couch surfing's no good, and I did appreciate the convenience, nap-ability, bathing facilities etc of the hotel. So go for it. Same with Oregon, I could probably get a hotel in town for 2/3rds the price, but the whole point is paying extra to be right at the ocean's edge.
 It's the right thing to do, so let it go, let the price go, I trade ~two weeks of work for ~20 days of vacation, there ain't no free lunch, so do it gladly! Be happy that I am so fortunate not only to be able to afford it, but also that I even have the connections in Davis, and memories of Oregon, that make these events special to me.
 Scale says 2011 - but I feel like I've been eating light. What's going on?
++++++++++++
 Sun Jan 8.12 hm Pt II
 Well that turned out kind of nicely -
 Watered yard, front and back. Chamomile bed looking good.
 Had a bit of chicken and bread, than forced myself to move, and tag my lethargy with me. Up 101 thinking about Nicasio loop - inspiration hits - Petaluma for coffee, then down through 116(?) etc. Mellow drive to Petaluma, walked by the big 3-story "antique" emporium, back down to Peet's for mocha smoothie and local newspaper scraps, and back for an hour (and bathroom usage - remember that public bathroom!) in the antique place - that was fun, remembered quite a bit from other visits.
 Out 'D' St, towards Bodega, medicate just outside of town, through gorgeous, rolling, backlit farmland, south towards Pt Reyes Station. Hit Nicasio Reservoir ~3pm, thinking about Nicasio music at 4 - and wanting more backroad driving, pull a u-turn, up that cool, small, special road to Pt Reyes Station - stop by side of road for a piss, med, bread/nut butter&Jam, a chicken leg & organic Fuji apple. Down 1 to Olema, up and down SF Drake, and left back towards Nicasio Reservoir. Stop in Nicasio, skim a few books and Glamour Magazine ("10 sexual phases all women should go through!") on a bench out front, music playing from inside. Decide not to go in, have a beer, whatever - want to get home, enjoy driving in fading golden light, avoiding driving in the dark. That worked.
 At home - and this is why I'm blogging. Finish ginger snaps. Hungering for Warm soup - I time it.
 Leave bed @7:00pm. This n' that - leave cottage 7:04. Bike to WF; chicken tortilla soup, chocolate pudding cups, coconut, apples. Look through aisles thoroughly. Bit of trouble getting everything bungee-corded to bike rack - sloppy. Fun smooth drive home with all light on (but no helmet). At Shattuck, feels like groceries not secure, get off, re-secure, no luck - bike awkwardly, slowly home bag hanging from one hand. Arrive 7:38. By 7:48 I had put apples away, washed spilled soup off pudding cups and coconut, rinsed out grocery bag and hung it on line outside, put pudding in fridge, poured half soup into bowl and eaten in with bread.
 Point is: If I am feeling lazy, but hungry, and a bike ride in fresh cold air sounds appealing - plus a little exercise - from the time I get out of bed, to the time I am returned and fed - is ~45mniutes. Pff - I can kill 45minutes laying in bed looking at the laptop no sweat! So - do the thing - get out - walk, bike, whatever. Move! It's worth the effort.
+++++++++++
 Sun Jan 8.12 nm 9:53am
 Summer came early Saturday - Hawaiian shirt, talking cats/yard etc with DJ&Buff.
 After off balance, dream-heavy Fri night, foggy morning, but got sharp by early afternoon. Mild medication, weeded front chamomile bed - under the thin spread of clover were loots of small, spread-out chamomile bunches - weeded, watered - with this early start, we could get a good thick bed in a few months. Good, fun way to spend a few hours - it is work, gardening, but outdoors, immediately satisfying as bed border is defined and chamomile clumps exposed, and with a sure payoff of many hours and days of enjoyment in upcoming months.
 Didn't eat much. Had a bread/(Shirley) cheese/jam snack - which is like a Danish, only from less sugary rough parts - delicious treat / thoroughly enjoyed!
 Stroll in the Spring-like afternoon to Dry Garden - another very cool thing I am fortunate to be near to - looking for a vine for the side gate; got a lapageria, from Chile, with red flowers - coooll!! $75, so there goes the budget, but I have a good feeling about it - and years of beautiful red flowers is worth the pay-out. It's not like a toy, or meal that is short-term or just sits there. No real question about this. Good that I noted it, and am aware of $$ matters.
 Took some searching, digging, unraveling intertwined vines -and moving a salamander-type creature to new digs - but it's up against the gate. Now we wait.
 Biked to WF: Yogurt, ginger snaps, coconut, cheese, tortillas, whole chicken (for cc), lentils.
 Then, at home, kind of uncomfortably slowed down - restless - wanted the day to be longer - sunset with layered horizon salmon ~5 - walked around block, took photos of neighborhood.
 Then settled into internet, meds, music, yogurt. Hmmm - today - do something more? It's 10:20 - I can still do Pt Reyes, Olampoli, Tilden, all sorts of things. Music at Rancho Nicasio ~4. Not sure why I shy away from museums, though I enjoy them.
 fb chat with NA classmate, co-owner of NA reunion group.
 Eggs/lentils bkft today, chicken for cc (also last night). Watered backyard plants.
 Now what? A drive north... and... open-ended...
+++++++++++
 Sat Jan 7.12 nm
 Weird night sleep-wise: After work strolled though Chinatown and up/down Nob Hill to Powell BART. Dinner = Cereal & peanuts at work, and two steamed pork buns & chocolate macaroon from Chinatown.
 Home ~7, seriously thinking about going to Starry Plough to see Geoff Ball's Bowie cover band, and other cover bands - sounded like fun! But wiped from getting up early for work, so thought 'nap.'
 Intense sex dream, work person, walking a trail, overcast, she suddenly comes up to me, hot, hugging/kissing -I respond by turning her around pulling clothes down, kissing/mouthing down her back and butt. Then pull my clothes off and rubbing my cock between her thighs/ass/lips - and as I'm about to enter - Wake up!! Right at the crisis point, where entry openings up a worm can full of BIG questions. Up till that point it's all touching and tasting skin, hands and eyes, balancing, dancing legs and hips. Then you're there and there's lots of unspoken demands, assurances, promises, threats, fear, compromises - so I Woke Up!!
 And wow - where'd that come from?! Warm weather, longer days and post New Years vibe.
 So, after waking hourly until midnight - each time considering walking to the Plough - finally undressed and crawled comfortably under covers. A bit of fuzzy-brained relaxation, but finally think I got some deep sleep until this morning - and then dreamed about a PPT presentation from Chris C(?), not sure how I had it, but it seemed to be a gift to Chris from another man, with multiple animated shots of his cock being uncovered, then other black & white shots of Chris's head pasted onto nudes, hints of old nudes of her - confusion about who was what, where it was from, what was real and not, what I was looking at, then I - Woke Up!!
  Walking down Powell/Nob Hill yesterday, saw that Nude Dancing Men place and was intrigued - the thought of touching. Titillating. And I wondered again, gay? Or is it curiosity and narcissism? Same conclusion as ever - as in the dreams - a direct impulse to jump all over an attractive woman, touch/taste/go inside with fingers/tongue/cock - and that's juts no there with men. More of a curiosity, desire for new knowledge, fearlessness - perhaps even a desire to please them, subjugate, myself - so they do not beat me up. Diverting them from violence- because that's what I learned growing up, unmistakably: The strong dominate the weak with violence and threats of violence - many a year spent indoors, because I' was told by older boys not to let them catch me out there, in the world, where I was not viable or welcome. The world was for the big boys.
 So pleasing the big boys, appearing weak and not-offending, is not to be mistaken for a genuine sexual desire. I don't detect it. If I thought it was real, I'd be out there sucking cock with the best of them. Gay porn - yes, fun to watch, but not a turn-on. All that domination stuff, and athletic sensations - I envy the strong muscular bodies and organs. Don't we all!
 But I'll take me - my yard, friends, skylight, fridge full of food, internet contacts and reconnecting, books, family, surprising number of sexual experiences, musical pleasures, nature, driving, cannabis, pets, etc etc etc. I want them all.
 Eggs, and out ~10 to Nomad - now 11:18. Thought about Nicasio, but - eh! - too much driving, my body is saying keep still - may be fighting off flu stuff/mild sore throat. Tilden sounds good - it's sunny but cool. Maybe Nicasio and back roads tomorrow. Check in w/G&S tonight?
+++++++++++
 Fri Jan 6.12 wk
 Slow January days @work make me lazy - though yesterday I had fun jobs and appreciative clients. this job is so perfect for me, because in some areas my skills and enthusiasm exceed expectations (photo, photoshop, video editing, fine art design).
 But slow days make me lazy - still, pushed past procrastination: Sent Rome to M&P with note and photos; thank you card to Shirley for cheese/meat snacks; booked hotel and got Fri-Mon off for WEF weekend; sent Bye-Bye Blackbird guitarist DVD of Starry Plough show; opened all holiday cards (Joan/M&P/Shirley); yesterday booked 10 days in Oregon -
 - I will find ways to make that woek, because all that were left were two small cabins with kitchenettes - as I remember it is cramped and living room gets overheated in afternoon - not luxurious like place with front porch. Next year remember - I can book in November! Last summer's place was so luxurious, I spent a lot of time lazing in ab ig way - maybe this place will encourage me to get out and explore and play more - not that lazing around wasn't fucking wonderful!
 - anyway.
 Swallow my anxiety - "They will disapprove! They'll suspect my subversive intentions and tearfully, reproachfully ask "Why!??"" - on lunch, go to WF and start process of closing acct. I set up the Mechanic's online site today, and yesterday changed direct deposit to MB. Temporarily, keep BoA checking, since online bill pay is there, and shift savings to Mech.
 Requested the 10 June Oregon days, and two May Davis days from work. So, aside from getting Oregon a little late, I'm pretty set.
 A big training to do early next week - with attendant flyers/photos/facepages etc. All good.
 Okay, so:
 Holiday cards
 Thank you note to Shirley, Rome & Photos to M&P
 Online Mechanics bank, direct deposit
 Oregon cottage and days off
 WEF hotel and days off
  - now, a weekend free.
 Last Wednesday, a small benchmark about Wednesday calls home, which was I shifted sideways from wondering what we'd talk about - I even started a short list on an envelope - to just wanting to enjoy the gift of hearing their voices, and of they hearing mine. Sweet. So far, no backsliding. I still hear the "It's all Dad's fault" tapes sometimes, long drives leave empty time, but they are losing strength and becoming merely annoying.
 Starry Plough tonight - cover bands, one with Davis-related folks - might be fun to check out for an hour or two, two pints tops, take a few photos!
 Savings look like off to a good start - but same as last year - then car repairs, WEF, Oregon vacations take big bites - probably won't be doing U.K. which was good for a few grand - and don't plan on buying expensive, not entirely necessary Apple electronics! Starting off close to 45. If I save $800/mo I'll be safely where'd I like to be next January. It's nothing but good to try. Set up the strategies, look back on splurging fondly, and tighten my belt. No more $500 art, toys, vacations etc. Chill on that. Sleep in the car, or in a tent. Fewer treating people to meals. Be a little more selfish. Everything else aside - possible $ coming down the pike some sad day -, it's a better way to live! Put something on my work wall, and home wall. Frugal! Cheap eats. Play cheap.
 Starting off ~44 in early Jan - another paycheck to come. That means if I save $6K over the year, I'll cross that line. That's $500/month - I should be able to do that easily, and still have plenty of fun - just can't have every whim. If I can't something's wrong. Last year I spent that $6K on stuff I don't absolutely need - but did want - art and laptop, etc - good stuff, whatever. But it's done! 2012 will be the year of living cheaply.
 No word yet from SueL. Maybe I came on to strong and enthusiastic? Too nostalgic. No doubt she deals with old, and new, men friends all the time. Anyway, thing to do is back the fuck off and let her make, or not make, the next move whenever she does or doesn't want. Leave it be.
 "Don't know if u'll remember me, but if ur who I think u r - we went 2 UC Davis 2gether 4 a bit. U were an art major? I posed 4 some photos - at a farmworkers' camp nearby & in a cemetery at night with a white Borzoi (nude, - me as well as the dog!) I was a roommate4 awhile : in the house with the chickens in the backyard. I'm the girl who installed a portable ballet barre in my room. (I was a dance and creative writing major.) It would b nice 2 catch up with u. If u feel like it, check out my page - it's all public. (And send me a message.)"
 The holidays, I reached out a lot, wanting not to feel alone. It's over now. Leave it all be. That's what feels natural anyhow.
+++++++++++
 Wed Jan 4.12 wk
 Pithy update to SueL. I'd understand if she's backed off - she didn't exactly - well, we didn't exactly see each other at our best.
 Looking at photos of JenB, seeing moneyed background, which I envied.
 Digitizing  Alice Copper etc for iPod.
 After work Tues, Sooz's for Lost w/Judd/Caroline - fun visit - left fossilized nautilus.
 Home ~9 for flower, music, Internet.
 Comfort and feeling like I've a port inside the storm. Counting blessing is good, but not in front of others, it just sounds like bragging. And anyway it cuts into my basic feeling sorry for myself. That's a funny balance, the ball rolling from one side of the ship to the other, and in between we make bad moral choices.
 Good music, good food, nice clothes - mainly - manly I prefer rags, what's that about? - somehow I never forgot that nice clothes cover big sins - surface shine don't mean shit, except that you care too much about what others think. So, dress nice for work - yeah -wear rough clothes for hiking climbing - yeah - otherwise, long as they're clean, who cares?
 Just booked the cottage in Oregon for 10 days - forgot I could have booked in November, so didn't get the cottage with porch, though not sure I used that a shitload last year? Got small one for $80 with kitchenette - just plan to get out more, and laze less - morning low tides are really low, days will be long, night tides shallow, and hopefully a few sunsets. Get a beach chair and umbrella for serious lazing?
 10 days PTO surrounded by 3 weekends, so 16 days off. Yes, seriously. Nice. I think I have 20 days now, a month, so these are two weeks well-used. Bring the rice cooker, bring lots of edibles, maybe explore the inland trails a bit!
 June 16-July 31. 3 days to get there if I want, or one day to chill (Sat), then Sun and Monday to get there. It's nice making it a 2.5 day trip, and arriving in the mid-afternoon, after stops long the way, including the Aquarium. And 4 days to get home, if I want it.
 That works.
 Now - WEF hotel and Fri-Mon off, too. Fun.
+++++++++++
 Tues Jan 3.12 wk
 Up early'ish Mon, contacted Eric, breakfast in SR, I'd already had lentils/eggs, so pork chops and pancakes in SR. mmm! Drop off flowers, etc, discuss pain killing vs. euphoria, me feeling like I don't want temporary euphoria - want to find in fair and square in my life..
 Thai iced tea/internet (I brought laptop) in Guerneville, some sun inland, but mainly overcast in an attractive misty way. Heavy mist on coast; not rain but had windshield wipers on. Stopped at somewhat obscure lilted parking lot -~1:00? trying to time it to leave for home ~3 so I'd have sunlight the whole way home, or at least light in the sky).
 Medicate, walk down to beach, shoes on, strolled up craggy misty coast, surprising amount of people! Lovely and more than that - peaceful, a sensual treat - sounds, smell, taste, sight, feel of clothes and air on skin - taking photos, collected a few rocks and shells.
 ~3:15 head south with few stops, medicate a couple more xs, stop for bread/peanut butter/jam I brought with me, also banana, apple, and some treats from Aunt Shirley, to whom I surely must send a thank you note.
 Good sunset light on the way down - misty/overcast on the coast, sun out around the Marin border(?), on the hilltops around Pt Reyes Station and Nicasio Reservoir - plenty of light in redwoods east of Nicasio, faint Mediterranean glow on Richmond Bridge, and an orange-pink, east-west streak across the sky.
 Yep - lovely - I thought there was more to write, but no, just a lovely easy day - visiting a friend for brunch, then down a curvy river road to the coast, with large offshore rock masses, with flowers and food and a laptop for connections, and a camera for fun. Insured, demurred, secured, absurd.
 Gil got a cool tattoo!
 Back at work isn't so bad - short-staffed, but big all-day clean-ups, which is brainless, but like gardening in a way - tidying - and I don't mind.
 Have shared double set of 1980 post-breakup shots w/Li now - after bouncing back-and-forth and contemplating a disclaimer, but finally deciding not to waste time, and just 'fuck it', trust her - anyone - to say if it's not time), and a few others.  I assume compassionate women don't mind so long as I am not obnoxious and wanting something in return.
 Haven't heard back from SueL. Leave it be, then maybe send a '?'.
 Lots of photoshop play over holidays - which was great - to have luxurious time to play with the ~60 scans from the week previous - to play with some old obscurities that have a variety of appeals - artistic and personal and hormonal - and work them out, finish them off, and post to obscure non-connected page somewhere.
 Lost tonight w/Sooz, Judd/wife.
 Back to work.
 Good 5-day weekend vacation.
+++++++++++
 Sun Jan 1.12 hm
 Lazy lazy - cold day will do that.
 But - I could drive to Olampoli, then to Monte Rio, spend the night, up ~8, Salt point by 10 - lv SP ~2, and 3 hrs to home with a bit of light in the sky.
 That's do-able, but pretty ambitious for this lazy 5-day relaxation; and may be better to save $ of mojo for longer, warmer days. Olampoli and Pt Reyes trails are there for the one-day taking. Olampoli works better today, unless I want to visit Eric, but that means beer and expensive meal. Kind of.. low key... see how I feel when I get moving, because I am going to get moving.
 Up ~4-5, then really up ~8:30. Lentils&eggs, long hot shower (hmm, looks like I hadn't shaved or bathed in ~4 days). Now... just waiting... to move.
 Feels like I'm over the subliminal 'can't be alone on new years!', 'reach out to ex's' mini-panic. Now it's over I can deal w/sL's re-appearance w/balance. Could have gone to Starry Plough, could have sipped the sake in the kitchen cabinet, could have called Sooz or Gil, etc. Those options and more were available, but I was okay last night, veggie/tofu salad w/bread, and Stilton/bread and Shirley's candies for dinner, with flowers and Alice Cooper's Love It To Death. Yes - good. Sleep ~11, and slept w/ a few small wake-ups, but well.
 Counting my blessings, and noting the things I have that I want, keep me from envying people who seem to me to have more. Good idea.
 Good blogging yesterday re $$. Do it. Come up w/a plan and stick to it. Bring pbj fixings to work and eat it there, only buy dinner salad. And look for ways around that - rice/tofu/greens dinner; and raman/peanuts snacks.
 Okay - my butt's sore from sitting in bed so much, mattress was shoved down and out from my leaning against wall/shoving it, so the glass jellyfish fell off the edge - thump!  Remade it all this morning.
 Need to sew jacket patches, and look through/throw away old laptops.
 Should I think about selling the MacBook, for $1K?
+++++++++++
 Sat Dec 31.11 III
 And again...
 Savings in stasis -I can have all the good, fun things and still increase savings, just have to focus, maybe have a strategy to bypass whatever's holding me back. I'm comfortable with where I'm at - so what's the motivation for spending less, being more disciplined - general principle? - because I can? - apparently not enough. Is that all there is my friend?
 ~2K on art - glass jellyfish/ceramics. ~$2K on MacBook I don't use. ~$1.4K for iPhone I rarely use. Okay, so without even trying that's almost $6K. I doubt there'll be similar expenses this year, 'cause I've seen the tech futility, and have no more room for 'art'. That $6K would put me very close to the hump I'd like to be on the other side of.
 But, I don't regret it - I enjoy my art, I enjoyed experience of commissioning something, and I learned from the tech expenditures, which is "Don't!".
 I'm saving a lot by not eating out, cooking my own food at home, which is also more fun.
 Not buying so much online having closed eBay/PayPal/Amazon accounts.
 Less $ on meals in SR.
 Guerneville fest ~$1,100, Morgantown ~$1,300, Oregon ~$1,500 - but all those are worthy.
 Question is, can I do the travels/vacations, and lead a simpler, more austere, healthy life - and budget around a savings plan. In other words - put aside whatever's necessary into savings, to reach a determined and do-able result by a year from now, and live within those parameters.
 Anything could happen - might need to replace Siouxie - but that shouldn't stop me from having a plan in place, a strategy, guides, goals. Fine. Right? Of course. I can do it.
 Talk to a financial advisor?
 Keep short list on work desk - that helped with diet - having a savings page with graph/tips might be good, since I can check it regularly at work/home.
 Just don't think of that $$ above the 4 marker as being there. Move a bunch into a CD and live within my means.
 Why? Because for comfort of cushion. And because more savings is an indication that I am not spending money emotionally - in order to feel alive and engaged, to alleviate boredom or feelings of isolation. Find other means - exercise, biking, walking - socializing! Saving is a rebellion against being a tool of the marketplace. A cog. A battery.
 Yes. Make a plan. Implement it. Invest in tactics. Don't be dissuaded by the possibility of unknowables. That's why they call them unknowables. Don't be distracted by the possibility of failures - in this context, failure doesn't exist.
 And side benefits, possibly, is eating better and losing weight.
 Walk more. Walk for entertainment, rather than being on fb all day.
 It's been fun living like money is not an issue. But it's smarter to behave like it is. For reasons of my own.
+++++++++++
 Sat Dec 31.11 II
 This has been a good year. Friends healthy and mainly healthy, though it started off with a negative UK bang, and there was sz's cancer. Hmm.
 10 days in Oregon, Guerneville Jazz/Blues w/eric, Buddy Guy/BB King, numerous trips to coast, cooking/eating my own meals, adjusting diet towards pbj/salads/breakfasts at home. Winnowing down medication - off prescription meds/ away from stoniness and towards sleeping well and relaxing w/out losing coherence/sharing experiences with Eric. Reconnect with Lindy, Nan, ChrisC, SueL; good sharing/healing. Visit home/Morgantown and commit to weekly calls. Scott/Gil, Blackbirds at Starry Plough. Gil & Fade to Black at Slims. CC one-eyed cat. Good scanner at work, lots of fun photoshoping old difficult negs. Glass jellyfish art and commissioned ceramics. Christmas on the Mendocino coast. Close Amazon/PayPal, eBay accounts - good money savers - WF to Mechanics.
 Still employed, and on a  multi-year project.
 Yes - 2011 was good for me.
++++++++++
 Sat Dec 31 nm I
 Heard back from sL - sexy photos on her page, I see mix of confidence and fear on her face, bringing back memories. Good to contact, because initial touch dragged me back to 1980 sexual stew, and there's hardly any making sense of it from current adult perspective. We were live wires, hard-wired to procreate, pretending we had another choice, like it was cool if we had a say in the matter - master of our domains, indeed! And there was that missed morning opportunity, which just goes to show - not only a missed opportunity, but in breech, buried inside the ticklish bakery - and saying it's "too intimate", when I should have said 'Too soon' - or even "What about Jane?", 'cause I think we were still an item - and all the time what I really wanted - or did I(?) - was to come in her - but it was too soon, to make the transition in front of her, from a husk controlled by a stick man-cock, to a boy with slippery post-come squiggly worm slipping between our bellies. To finish the fuck would only have satisfied my body, then I'd have been there wondering about the promise in that sweat.
 Obviously that morning was traumatic for me - a missed opportunity, emotional and sexual - something I wanted from that relationship that was jammed with a monkey wrench of poor phrasing because of emotions I was not able to understand or articulate. Well, such is youth, such is life. And... and... analyzing now - tricky - beware of thinking full comprehension is possible - it may not be. Beware rationalizing. Beware trying to finish it psychically now, making a fetish of memories. I risk being vulnerable to manipulation.
 Okay, so. What did I do Friday? Nothing? Good! Eggs for breakfast - did not eat again till evening. Chicken scraps for cc. Internet & Photoshop during the day. Yep, five days off, it's best to use first two for serious healing naps! No - wait - jeez - ~2 drive downtown, take $10K out of WF and take to Mechanics Bank, open checking/savings account. I felt a little nervous and subversive - like I'm being watched by corporate masters who will not forget my betrayal. Mild paranoia - but paranoia. Nothing wrong with keeping my money semi-local. Next week, change location of direct deposit, and eventually close account. Keeps my and Xo's acct in one place - make KE my beneficiary.
 ~5pm bike to dispensary and try their volcano. I've been wanting something like the low-thc high pain-killing/relaxing indicas that have been working for me. Problem is because they are so mild on psychoactives, I tend to have 3 pfs when only one is required. And frankly, maybe I want just a pinch more psychoactivity. Because pleasure is healthy for the mind. Anyway - purchased two indica grams - and, with help, made a small pinch into bags of mist, and a very clean, nice effect, and rather euphoric! Is that what happens when the carbon debris is missing? I was like, wow, a big noticeable, positive difference. Biking was great fun then!
 Biked to WF in dark, with lights, and rearview mirror - which I realized I really rely on! - no prob - whole wheat tortillas, ginger snaps(!), TP (just in time). Need to get bread and salsa soon. Dinner: Warmed-up turkey rice soup, Stilton & bread snack later - listened to Cooper's Love It To death - what a great album! And much better than I remembered from 1972.
 So - breakfast, Nomad, chill at home, banking downtown, chill at home, dispensary and WF, chill at home. Heard from sL - cool!
 Thinking about Tilden hike this afternoon - it's 12;30 now. A beautiful hike sounds cool. Some 10 years ago, sex with lC on a Tilden hillside. She would be another, and surely there are more, I may hear from again some day. Be prepared. But caution that I don't start living in a sexual past - around holidays maybe feeling isolation a bit more, and wanting contact, easy kind that comes with sexual memories, watered-down thrills, (as well as real-time, real-friends) - see if Sooz wants to hang? Thinking about an overnight at Monte Rio - drive up tomorrow morning, $100 Monte Rio cottage for the night - then a casual morning and Sonoma coast hang-out, slow drive south through Sonoma/Marin. It seems repetitive, but only insomuch as I repetitively enjoy my cottage, yard, friends, foods, vices, etc - constant change is not necessary. Regular backroads drives without adventure, just pure enjoyment of driving and beautiful landscapes is good living. Eat it all up.
 Do I detect a sadness from sL? Do I detect the same sadness in me? Both wanting something innocent that we could not have - was that what we lost that morning. A missed opportunity to meet and join in that simple giving and taking of pleasure. Because I was afraid. Because I was too embarrassed to admit how close on soon I was to coming. This has got to be a common predicament and embarrassment for many/most men. We can't help it, and it makes a mockery of our pretense of manly self-control. A plague of erections. A mere mobile injector. A walking needle.
 Feeling better today  - last two kind of tense and out-of-sorts. Feeling sharper and happier. Cool.
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 Fri Dec 30.11 nm
 Still no more from SL. There were times it went to my head: girlfriend JAA, and another very attractive woman interested in me - shooting photos for local bands and seeing them on posters, flyers, printed in newspapers, magazines, invited to parties, backstage (!!!), beer, etc etc. 'Course inside I was still the skinny reject - but then, who wasn't? Deciding on a public face. Etc. Had contacts in various campus activities organizations, some of which got me into shows for free, and had got a grant to create a studio on campus, had a key to the design dept - somehow that seemed more impressive then then it does now in retrospect. But so be it. At the time I had a certain amount of cache. Who knew who, who had the best gossip - the one who knew the bedroom details had lots of juice, an I was hanging out with the top bands, or people who knew them.
 Counting the minutes till I hear back from her. Been giving it some thought - that bad morning where I unintentionally hurt her feelings - after, other women told me I'd said the wrong thing - "too intimate" - and yesterday, by way of healing, I imagined, in real time, looking her in the eye at the moment, to make amends - to heal. And, immediately, that helped (meaning obviously the wound was not too deep, and it was as much about a missed chance to come with her, than concern for her feelings 30 years on). Such a relief/blessing/gift to have a chance to clear some of this up.
 Life remains fascinating. I'm certain this kind of reaching back and using the old feelings, missed opportunities to charge us up, and "heal" is common and normal.
 Thought maybe give Adrienne contact a 2nd chance, in the light of hindsight and experience.
 Yes - had a Playboy Playmate body and much more real world experience than I - worldly, where I was merely open-minded, in a suburban white boy way. I had the cover of a girlfriend, which allowed me to flirt without the chance of anything happening, anything I was too intimidated to take on anyway - then there she was at the doorway, an offering - what if we had just talked? Yeah, right. I had pretended to be stronger, more cool and moral than I was. So what happened was emotionally sloppy and dishonest. well, I did the best I could - I was not intentionally lying to get something from her - it just happened, as these things do. 1980 - I was a kid - 26. No call for harsh judgment.
 
 Rainy today - mainly overcast - slept till ~10 after 6:60-7:30 internet. Eggs/lentil breakfast.
 Thurs: Mainly laze around, nm till noon, patches for jacket elbows, Telegraph to check out People's park, which was not bulldozed, Amoeba for Alice Cooper, Zep, Captain Beefheart and The Thin Man DVD; Elmwood bluejeans place, but they did not have green jeans my size.
 Home, then biked to WF ~6 - chilly, but hat and scarf sufficed - cheese, turkey/rice soup, coconut, eggs, yogurt. Soup & bread dinner - which I enjoyed very much while Zep IV played and I sat-danced in bed - and also Stilton with bread - oh, yum! Moments on contented happiness.
 Commented on BH on fb in real time with commentary from fb folk - that was cool. Watched Thin Man, which did not stand up as well on 2nd viewing - too soon maybe.
 Today? No plans - open account at Mechanics Bank with WF $$? Sew elbows on jackets. Look into two old laptops collecting dust at end of bed. General cottage cleaning - toss stuff from cabinets. Take out the garbage.
 Remember - SL was a flake - smart, sexy, talented, focused - but damaged by an evil dad etc - very low self-esteem beneath it all, let herself be abused. In many ways sweet and fun - also immature, willful, manipulating. But couldn't that be said about so many women, and men, and me? And how much of the criticism was because she wouldn't bend to my will? Ah, I didn't want that crazy bitch anyway, right? Judge not.
 I hope she contacts again soon, so I can make the move from 1980 to the present. This old boy-girl stuff is not worth too long a visit.
 On these days I do 'nothing' - there's plenty going on. Just watching the wheels go round and round.
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 Thu Dec 29.11 nm
 5 days free to do as I please - 1/2 days at work sucked, but I can just get over it - and also have ot get over the panicked feeling of "I must find "things" to "do" during my "free days". Or not. I can relax and live my life in time and place - stepped out into my beautiful garden this morning, chicken for cc, eggs/lentils for me. Apple and holiday cards. Last night stressing about "using" the "free days" with "no work" - chicken tortilla soup, and heavy medication / Maltese Falcon, sleep well, dreams. Two days ago heavy clear dream about finding and thanking HS art teacher Mr Buterbaugh who brought me out of my shell, and helped my self-worth by telling me that my "doodles" were worth pursuing and had value. Big, big impact.
 Today, could move $$ from Wells Fargo into Mechanics Bank acct - bring jackets to seamstress down the street; elbow patches to complete  'eccentric professor' look.
 Sent Karen link to 'Photo Robert' era standing in room shot, which she liked.
 Last night - Boom!! - fb msg from Sue L - model, friend, roomie, lover, then enemy, but really? Because we later shot the cheesecake. Many negs destroyed after JAA found out about our sex. What a mess. Still, interesting to realize there was a period where women were attracted to me, or my lifestyle, or scene, or who knows what women are attracted to? I had home, photo scene on campus, plants in back yard, hanging with local bands, might have had some $$ from grants, ** sales(?). Fun.
 So - timeline...?
 Shooting non-white UC Davis students in Design dept (grant $$) - using 'studio' also to shoot bands - mainly X-Men at that point(?).
 I was working out at Rec Hall, she was in revealing, torn, jean cut-offs. I asked her to model for the project; we shot her on skates - smart, great body, athletic, sex appeal. After I asked her to consider posing for nudes - said "Vanity was a noble motivation". And to my surprise she said yes, with enthusiasm even.
 Don't remember how we got closer - hanging with bands a bit - girlfriend JAA in LA doing internship.
 First nudes were at abandoned migrant camp - really? Was that the first time I saw her nude? Hard to believe considering how it went - or was that lack of boundaries, and fluid sexual events just part of college life?
 Somewhere along the line she moved into 1008 Snyder, and one thing led to another. An evening visitor in a sheer, short, pink nightgown. Uh, yeah.
 Next JAA visit, they exchanged glances - Sue at the kitchen table - and in that instant each knew exactly what was up.
 More nudes in the backyard. Also with a dog in the cemetery. A date rape (not me). Vague memory that Sue and Joanie were at odds. Housemates - I was a mess - as perhaps most folks that age, and college students, are; ~1980 so I was ~26: Craft Center, rock bands, pot plants in backyard, photo studio on campus - more than that? Maybe. Although, as a college student, in a land where party is king, it was not a bad set-up. Backyard to sunbathe in.
 Many of the specific memories are intimate, not to be discussed here, except heavily edited/coded - and many are from specific photos, only a few of which still exist - the color cheesecake shots done after JAA & I were over - everything else burned in the post-JAA found out purification, guilt ritual. Mistake? Knowing how I would miss them, would I still have destroyed them in an attempt to get clear with JAA? I couldn't be with JAA and also have the mementos of sex around, anywhere, trying to be transparent.
 At camp, close ups. Maybe because I knew of her background - which I tried to be very cool about, and was cool about, but also was intimidated and titillated - a woman confident of her sexual power.
 So, yeah - thing is this: sexual events, photos, and artsy nude photos are primary memory touchstones. I was immediately attracted - as were many, she was and is beautiful in an exotic way. But we tried for a friendship around that. I was thinking last night, don't catch her up in my horny isolation strategies - focus on friendship that existed, which was sweet, but now I'm remembering that friendship included a harsh stirring in the pants - part of the friendship was pretending I was not very stirred by her appearance, voice, confidence, openness - a childlike desire for acceptance behind the sexual confidence. My desire to place a face of innocence and distance of her adult experiences.
 Joannie saw it coming - saw us coming, ha ha - that we would wind up having sex and it would blow apart JAA & I. Yeah. well, yeah, of course. Joannie was no fool, but a child could have seen this oncoming torpedo.
 The morning while in the middle of warm embrace I said I didn't want to finish because it was "too intimate". And her freak out - and me not able to say, or know, what was really the problem - hair trigger - too soon - and who knows what else from  sex-negative Catholic upbringing. That was the end of that, end of our intimacy, which I had enjoyed. So I was sad. Never again she said would she put herself in that situation with me. So the dance was done.
 And does it all come down to sex? At that time - I was 25-26 - yes. No sense pretending to avoid that - but there was some sweetness in there - both us fighting for it - for a friendship, despite the cynicism, fear and heat in our pants. And maybe that earning - a sincere yearning for relief from loneliness - is what I'm remembering as the pure part of the friendship - at it's heart we just didn't want to be alone. Fact is that desire blended with and almost always wound up leading to sex.
 So but yes, I wanted friendship, and tried to put that first in line, while our bodies laughed and shoved ahead to the front, where walls, floors, any surface really, waited our joining of hot pieces, where pungent sticky water and gushing sperm created illusory kingdoms of immortality. And it felt good, too.
 Oh., yeah, um excuse me, sorry about that - trying to take art shots, yes, do that with mouth and tongue, and turn around and see that little lips of skin slishing up the shaft, and "accidentally" came inside - huh huh huh. Sorry!
 I thought there'd be more - I remember camp, cemetery, backyard photos. Her sitting on the couch next to me, legs apart facing me - a tease? - and I, as was my way, taking the challenge by putting my finger through a viscous thread between her labia. End of that, too. JAA and her making eye contact for two seconds too long. My surprise and pleasure when she knew exactly how to get me hard. Her taste. The cheesecake shots, and too much vodka(?) to be able to do them. The morning I said stop and hurt her feelings more than I knew possible.
 Okay. So what is it? I still, after all these years, and looking back to see how much of the memories are sexual - I still want to know how she is, and what her life after college was like - and accept that it was sexual because we were young, but now yes there was a sweet tenderness and sincere liking and attempt to get more out of it that just feeding then cooling that heat.
 Exciting times.
 But chill, dude, be cool. It's cool. I'm really glad to hear from her.
 10:30 - today might be just chill day - thought I'm restless and a bit irritable, but really I don't want to do anything much. Tilden walk? Jacket elbows fixed. Play with scans in photos hop - been putting them up in Buzznet. fb and Flickr. Cottage can always use tending, and the garden.
 Telegraph to check out People's park, which has been bulldozed. And yes, a walk, bike or hike - Reyes or something - my body years for trails and it's been to long since I stopped after-work walks etc.
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 Mon Dec 26.11 Elmwood laundry
 Wifi laundromat - I dig it.
 Leave Mendo ~10:15 Mon, fairly casual drive down 1, stopping at various beaches and overlooks. Walked to a couple of Sonoma beaches, strolled one, down a boxed-in wooden staircase. Hazy inland, blue skies above the ocean - it was like summer except for the cold air. Little wind. I missed summer, but kept telling myself to enjoy the beauty and sunshine!
 Medicate a couple of times, Cream & Morrissey etc on the small tinny iPod speakers.
 Feeling fortunate - realizing that I had all I needs and want, and all I want is more of what I have - If I want more of what I've got, that means I like what I have, that I'm happy with my life. Deeply contented driving down stunningly beautiful coast landscapes - rolling like heavenly roller coaster - no traffic to speak of -, good mellow flowers, low psychoactive, mainly body relaxing. Good. And mainly I know what to expect - tripping on family stuff a bit - how I've looked at what was unsaid, or I felt it was, like an outsider, then what I imagined they were all saying and doing becomes after a while  reality in my mind. But maybe I had it wrong. maybe they were not spending, much time thinking about me. Left me to work it out on my own, because what else can you do?
 So, leave it be. Let it be. Give it time to clear out and heal.
 Good meditation Sunday on the headlands. Floating away into a very balanced peaceful feeling - I was distracted by hunger, but sat longer and accepted the trade-off. More of that please, yes, thank you.
 Straight to Sooz's ~5, Karen on phone and a little chat with people coming and going, Judd's chicken/rice curry, two 2nd season Losts. 'Slob in the knob, and do a good job' gave us giggling fits. Couple of eggnogs with whiskey. Pumpkin pie - mmm! Painkilling flowers gift & talk.
 Home ~10? Medicate, music, sleep ~11 - up at 6:30 for internet until 8(?), than back to sleep until noon. Aunt Shirley's xmas meat/Cheese for breakfast/lunch/dinner, one-eyed cece was on the roof where I was putting coconut husks for squirrels - so cute! - Gave him more of whole chicken I bought for him last week.
 Hang in front house with home-made donuts/espresso, talking photography and politics/Romney/consulting firms/ Occupy Wall St with Robin. Fun gathering.
 Back to cottage ~3, internet till 6 - now at laundromat, then WF. Need eggs/salsa.
 The holiday judgment 'If you are not with your family/friends there's something wrong with you' was at a tolerable level, and I made the most of my free time - four days - three on the coast and one - today - to sleep in late, relax, and do chores! Very fortunate! Now two more half days, then I got Thurs-Monday off - 5 days oh, yeah! If the weather is good do I do it again? Or look down at Monterey? Orr... I wonder about north to the redwoods - in the snow? Might be nice! Snow.
 Snoooowwwww...
 See what weather is like.
 Mom complains about dreamers. Maybe meaning - if I was not living on hope, I'd have two jobs, or at least be grabbing all the weekend and OT work I could snag. But I turn it down because I want to enjoy my life, now, and when I'm t young and bale to enjoy it. Yes - 57 - young and able to enjoy it, like I have been these last years. The 50s have rocked. Still have my health. I have only to look around me to see how good I have it. Relax, enjoy, give back when the opportunity arises. Live well.
 Fri: Drive up 128 to Mendocino, with drop by Eric's in SR, MacKerricher sunset. Hotel TV & wifi.
 Sat: Up early, shower, breakfast burrito at headlands cafe. 15min drive from cafe to north headlands parking lot. 7ft high tides at 9:45am. No wind to speak of, sunny morning, cold air, not unpleasant - beautiful! Good to walk on the shapely dirt trails. 2 hours north, stroll south and an hour or so exploring and watching the big surf. Back north and meditate/medicate for 1.5hrs(?). Into town for coffee/nut bars/C drink, bran muffin (very good digestive events this weekend). Bragg ~4'sh for another Headlands cafe (burrito (pork). Sunset at College of Redwoods bluffs. Hazy - lots of cars - a few people. Good times. Beautiful.
 Hotel, internet, post photos, mainly staying away from sexy shares for the holidays. Sleep ~11?
 Sun: Shower, egg, stop by Mendo headlands, espresso and muffin at Moody's - head out a little after 10 - plenty of time to relax.
 I was very contented riving down 1 - could not think of a single thing bothering me, nothing I lacked, had it all. Like a dog with his head out the window. Happy, healthy, contented.
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 Sun Dec 25.11 Moody's Mendocino
 Sat: five hours on the headlands, good rough surf and dramatic splashing, though it lacks something on a sunny - albeit calm and cold - beautiful morning - rough surf needs gloomy and wind for full gothic effect. Strolled down to south end, through fields, sat for a while in a couple of places, including a dry spot between two splashed areas - fun to watch the splashes, back to north headlands, medicate, and found a couple of good places to meditate. Sat shiva and found a good balance between mind and body, here and past/future. Dirt and spirit. Are we not just senses and self-awareness, and the rest in cultural training, taboos and rewards?
 Once I got past the "goal" of high tide headlands, with attendant  'judgment of quality' vs. past and present visits - the price one pays for making plans -, I got into a pure enjoyment space and it was good. Everything fell into place around the high tide plan I formulated a couple of weeks ago. It worked. Cool.
 Ah, it was good to have a whole, free day here, with a hotel waiting in the evening.
 Into town for Moody's lunch snacks - Naked Juice, bran muffin, nut & fruit bars, sugar free mocha, upload photos to fb. To Bragg for art gallery (did not buy any more ceramics), and headlands cafe for pork burrito & chai latte.
 Gee - life is rough.
 South to Redwoods College parking lot, more meds, watch sun settle into offshore fog bank - misty and moody -  young hippie-type guy approached to chat - but I wasn't into chatting, hand he didn't take a hint and move off, so I split. Awkward.
 Felt good to walk the paths, worn dirt trails - forgot how much I enjoy it and have  missed it - pure pleasure, a pure activity, no one will condemn or criticize the way your feet step on a trail, and it flexes the legs and hips nicely.
 Hotel, decided not to bug laundry guy, will do laundry Monday. Four days off - nice - I'm lucky. Cheap holiday hotels - the $100 place is $60. I can do that. And I'm fortunate to be able, a working car, responsible friends, good diet and financial planning.
 Internet, photoshop, TV, sleep ~11, wake ~6:30. Internet, long hot shower - another pure pleasure - even brought my ginger mouthwash. Digestion good. Idiot check, headlands for ~30mins, but not ,much activity and don;t want to wait for 11am hightides - so here to Moody's - 10am now - head down Hwy 1. Lost with Sooz/Judd ~5.
 Accept it all, holiday memories, sadness and loss, happiness and hope, yearning, horniness, embarrassment and fun. Accept it all. Good and bad. Can't have one without the other.
 Feel the perfect zen balance meditating on the headlands. Yes. Good.
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 Sat Dec 24.11 Headlands café Bragg
 All good things come my way. Good weather, good car, good cheap hotel, lovely ocean, great long sunset at MacKerricher last night. Hot shower, substantial poo, internet, bad TV. Ate cheese and sausage from Shirley's gift box yesterday. Mendo dispensary and mocha and wifi room, south to explore (not much).
 Feeling a little of the 'supposed to be with family' isolation/separateness - but not bad - don't sink into myself, fully connect with the now - lovely cold morning - high tides in ~1.10mins - head over there and get there ~1hr early for hopefully major splashing. Then relax - got the hotel room for an extra night - do laundry, read, internet, explore, play.4-day vacation rocks - use it, esp with this great weather! Sunny rules!
 Black bean and burrito here at the headlands café.
 Sexy fb wr.
 Head down 1 early Sunday, Lost in the evening w/Sooz/Judd?
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 Sun Dec 18.11 nm
 Again with the Sunday Nomad blogging - now owned by Asian family who does a good job, has added good, simple, healthy foods, and doesn't forget to make my espresso every 3rd time. Fucking stoners used to own it and nearly ruined it - too bad - it'd be good if hipsters were employable.
 Anyway...
 Feeling okay, and not blue/down - but yesterday was in a pretty bad mood socially - everyone just get out of my way. Started with too much time/past tripping with Chris C, and then irritated by fb discussion about Obama bad/Nadar good. I should just stay away from that - there'll be time to rave closer to the election.
 Amoeba yest for Cream/Some Girls/Morrissey/Street Hassle. Some good stuff in there.
 Short days almost over. Next Saturday are super high tides - maybe hit Mendo? Or is it too depression to spend xmas alone, esp on cold overcast days? But nature, rough ocean, high tides is where it's all about. I may have a bad hour or so, then I'll be okay.
 Digging the ceramic I got from Bragg artist.
 The Chris/70 thing was getting a little intense - shifted from fantasy, me sending photos and teasing her for more, to it becoming a serious discussion, and me needing to separate 17yrs-old from adult Robert, play vs. respect for a relationship, teasing from illness-damaged self-image, life and death. A lot of mental energy into healing/ understanding and speaking clearly, and speaking the truth, so needing to suss out the truth in myself, and take seriously what can easily seem mockable and trivial - the sexual focus of a 17yr-ol - I saw more clearly how much that needs to be healed, and that if I'm lucky enough to have the healing opportunity it is wise and healthy to grab it, and it also brings our past relationship into the present in a real way - something we both want and need -, so it was ground-shifting of emotion and memory. And I needed to accept vulnerability to make it. And all for what? Well, for my - and it turned out, to my surprise, for her, too - happiness. Is it just a distraction from current troubles? It is a distraction from loneliness, and from her facing mortality - but neither of us would be investing in it if we didn't want it, want a friendship with each other, and didn't want the relief from past regrets. In other words, it is worth doing. Worth taking the chance that one or the other may suddenly decided it's done, completed, healed, and then have nothing left to hold onto now. That sort of happened with LR, and sort of to Nn. Though I'm still in touch, and comfortably grounded with both.
 But Chris & I got close to the heart of it - regrets about a missed opportunity for friendship. For sexual healing. Mourning being young and naive. A difficult time in out lives, young adulthood, and I - maybe her, too - are processing what seemed to us at the time an opportunity to grow. Not just us - but all the pain and missed opportunities of youth. That's why it gets so big, because it's so much bigger than us. And healing us, heals a much large pool of wounds without stirring up the whole lake.
 Anyway - still in process. Caution that is does not - it being a fantasy, a memory, a healing process - does not compete with or begin to replace me sitting in this chair, in the wifi cafe, reading, laughing, enjoying, learning to live in the moment - I worked hard to have this place, this space, and should not neglect or downgrade it because of past habitual knocking myself. This life is good, and I wake up every morning saying Yes, more please,
 Christopher Hitchens died - his God Is Not Great freed me up from a lot of bullying, insulting, stupid religious rhetoric that made me feel confused and ignorant as a child. I was right to criticize and question it, and Chris gave me to weapons to fight back against the authorities that mislead me, away from since and reason, the best parts of my humanity. Irreplaceable - a toast to you Chris, thank you. I took the better part of my life to clear out their nonsense, and Chris put it on the fast track.
 Planning to got to Dickens Fair today, but not feeling like much and - though it will mean wasting a free ticket from DJ - I may not make it.
 I might better stay away from crowds and get into nature, valleys, paths and backroads. Holidays and people, maybe a bad combination.
 A drive - a drive sounds nice. Marin.
 The mind has been churning, and sometimes I think oh that's interesting I should put it in blog before I forget, but.. ooops, and not worth the time. Maybe pulling in a little during the dark short day cold months. Work has been busy, but slow Friday, and hopefully slow this short holiday week.
 Backing off from the fb photo shares. Get grounded. Stay on comfortable ground. Get real hugs from real people. No, I don't want anyone in bed with me, not all night anyway.
 And getting to the heart of where LR & I are at now. Comfortable - but some disappointment on her side. Less on mine. Online. Not real. Mental. Easy to turn on and off. Different cities. No risk. Then really, is there any there there? Or mere conveniences, in which I need to invest little? If I want friendship w/Nn I need to invest the time. Get a phone that works. Skype with headphone setup.
 iPhone doesn't drop plan until February I think.
 Scanner at work isn't working.
 On Wednesday's Morgantown call, asked Mom about disappearing drawing pads, which she send me in Ann Arbor Winter of 74/75 (?). She had no recollection at all - so now I'm thinking maybe I misplaced them, and she found them and mailed them to me? Which means that 35 years of thinking she took them to show to priest, teachers, family members, therapist to figure out if I was crazy, all those supposition may have been totally wrong.
 Oh. Umm - some big lesson there - and another piece of my past, another perception that there was lots going on behind my back, another wound - poof! Up in smoke. It leaves a small, black hole - like a painful lungful of smoke that burns cold.
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 Sunday Dec 11.11 hm
 Napped in the afternoon - most of the day in bed - listened to my body, which is telling me it wants rest, esp before going in to be trained for 4-5 hours tomorrow.
 Now thinking about Sushi-Ko chicken udon, sushi and sake. mmm
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 Sunday Dec 11.11 nm
 Crank for no reason - need some exercise is all, but it's kind of chilly and overcast. Looks like blue sky over the coast?
 Slept decent - up ~6AM and no way to go back to sleep - Internet internet internet. Lentils/ eggs/ tortillas/ salsa/c heese. mmm - While pouring a delicious baby coconut down, a buzzing hummingbird fed from the evergreen in front of me, Yes. This day started right. Why so dour? No reason. Getting focused on the past - old photos, old band photos, old nudes - old is the word - gets me out of the here-and-now groove where I'm most best.
 There we go - breath into *this* moment - ahhh, better.
 Took down the shared Davis room pic (diptych by dresser).
 Of course I'd like to have my youth to do over with more brains, education, money and sex - but who doesn't? Keep moving. Honor my desires, and keep moving. Shed a tear for lost causes, failed dreams and ridiculous fantasies - and move forward. Share the dream with the women who were the girls I knew - and keep moving. Voila!
 ~11am now - sleep in tomorrow - yes! Breakfast, yum! - , then all afternoon with Tracey learning the new app, which puts me in a good position. Was a chosen partially because I've been concerned and focused on the problems for a few months? Showed that I cared? It's nice to think so - putting myself out there gets me into positions of responsibility that break me out of the slide-making rut, and cement my economic viability and rep as nonexpendable. I know it's pretty solid as is, but a few extra layers of recognition of the expertise doesn't hurt - unless I get cocky, or my ego shows through obnoxiously. Big ol' humbleness is necessary, right and works - so be on it. If I'm still employed and getting good feedback, doing my job, than keep riding this pony.
 Savings down to 43 - just barely that - I've been floating there for years - no motivation to save more, and the $$ I spent is mainly on things I really enjoy or on necessities: Commissioned ceramic art, glass jellyfish, Guerneville, trip home, car work, bike, cameras, etc. I'm not eating out, and don't buy meat (expensive) - ~$6/day for lunch and dinner salad. No extravagant.
 Still - maybe I should put some away, organize finances so there is less available. There's no more room for art, and I may have to buy a used car next year, and maybe visit U.K.. So, yeah - develop a strategy. Think broke. Spend less. Save more - not to hit a goal, but just to stop the day-to-day hemorrhage. Put some in Mechanic bank so it is less accessible? Or in a credit union? Keep a couple k in BoA, but no more, and learn to live within that boundary. For bigger ticket items plan in advance. Simple. Spend less. Do it.
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 Sat Dec 10.11 hm II
 Not bad - chill day - couple of hours @Nomad (2 2x espressos, 3 bite size oat treats & a banana), straighten, take out trash, chat w/Buff (HBO Rome, I Claudius, Hank Williams, degeneracy, etc), leave books on sidewalk, go through negatives in box plastic box, clear out foot of bad space, negatives under bed, bring out 3rd ceramic piece, put a couple of cottage things in yard (creepy, benignly smiling global bank), lots of Internet  between activities, mirror on bike handle and (failed) attempt to velcro 5mm wrench to bottom of bike rack, bike to Whole Food for salad, yogurt, apples, eggs, cheese, psyllium husks, coconut, etc., home to medicate, Elmwood for wifi laundry - small 7/11 bag of pretzels/powdered donuts. GT/LF negatives box (find envelope of photos I forgot to put back in albums - ooops - must  be what Shelley was referring to - but now, if I return them, I'll never see them again - some are polaroids and photo booth strips - scan them all and return to try to smooth things over a bit?), put GT stuff beneath bed, too. Put up clean, clear shower curtain. Turkey bits to CC. Red lights on wildly flowering trumpet tree out front. 9pm. A good day. All the big stuff done - good to have the photos back under the bed, too crowded to have them out.
 Still need to organize electrical stuff - organize one of the plastic drawers? And more bleach to really clean up the shower stall - re-cover that cracked patch that all black and moldy under the tape?
 Now, relaxing with iPod on random. Cool.
 Responses re Davis room pic (upon arrival home from LA and JAA leaving me for Adrienne (?) sex): polite, poetic, neutral. Fine. I want to, that's why. And it'll end some day, sooner rather than later. No big deal. Common. Done.
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 Sat Dec 10.11 nm
 Thought about Mendo, for the full moon - but tides not high and no storm surf - keeping an eye out for it though.
 Sunny cool day - thinking to do things around the cottage: groceries, laundry, mirror and velcro wrench on bike, bleach shower stall again and new curtain, box of negatives back under bed, or at end of bed - so  much to do, I could drive around to Olampoli and such, but home sounds cool, in spite of restlessness. Work out the restless ness in the yard, in the cottage, in my life.
 The calls home removes a lot of the guilt and tension re not calling home. A relief - and I suppose I've given up nothing, because it was not predicated by a supposition that everything is fine. Smart or not, that matters to me. Because things were far less than fine.
 Lots of exchanges with C Catalfmo - we must have met at a sensitive time or something - just learning about girl/boy things - because we seem to have a lot to discuss, stuff brought up by the pain and fear of those early confusing years. Have sent her a few artsy px from Davis era (also Lin/Nn/Ln). They all seem okay with it. Not like I'm being otherwise pushy or asking for anything in return. And once they're sent, I feel better. SO. Win win (with slight trepidation).
 Not exactly. All the time.
 Deep breath. One breath - two - in the body. Good.
 Lentils and eggs/corn tortillas this morning, no salsa. Needed salsa.
 Okay - cottage is a mess - clean cottage is good for the brain. And that will leave tomorrow completely open - for?
 Work continues interesting - now they want us to proof everything. Fine. Whatever. We'll make it work. We always do.
 It's the economy stupid.
 Anything else - just - my life is good, woke up in my own space, warm, a few feet from my lovely garden - the trumpet tree is in full fantastically beautiful bloom - cooked breakfast, then a few hours online at the local wifi coffee house. Contacts with old and new friends, some who are in other countries. Innnn-ter-resteene... I pay the debt to my parents with weekly calls -
 And that's what it's about - I owe them a debt, for raising me, for putting everything into raising their children. They owe me nothing more - not even an explanation, or details of decision-making. It was always deeply for what they considered my own good, more even than their own. So there's all my stuff, and then there's my guilt and fear re not giving them something back - all they asked for was occasional calls. I now call them occasionally. That takes care of that. But what a huge primal existential price to pay when you do not call.
 Respect your parents. Do not have sex outside of marriage. Don't be bad!!
 Damn it.
 Okay. Home. Cottage. Bike. Groceries. Garden. Laundry - tonight?
 Played with the Chinatown touchscreen digicam -seems to work pretty well, good photos and lots of effects. Cool. Now to keep all the cords and electronic gear organized.
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 Sun Dec 4.11 nm
 Today: Bike to Missing Link to fix back flat - call first to see if I can wait -, groceries, laundry? probably not - unnecessary - organize electronic in cottage - too many cameras an wires.
 This is good - sometimes it's best to do nothing - wasn't it just last weekend I spent night in Bragg and drove down 1 for no reason at all except pure enjoyment?
 Yesterday, headed out toward Marin for a backroads drive, but decided not to - instead drove to Solano, then Shattuck drug stores looking for a video camera. Found one at Berkeley Staples - also got a mem stick for camera cards and a 2nd battery for camera. Took it home, opened box, no camera - weird moment - a "Why me?" moment - 'will they believe me' moment? Immediately took it back, they believed me, but had no replacement camera - after ~30mins of paperwork & waiting around, drove to El Cerrito del Norte Staples, where they had a replacement for the none I'd paid for. Low blood sugar and weary, had diet coke, steak & eggs & pancakes at iHop - lots of syrup - surprisingly, not bad. Home - thought about going out to laundry or grocery, but my body said stay put! and I listened. Internet as the sun went away ~5 - booo! - meds and music. Bread and cheese ~11, and sleep well and long.
 Well, up @6 - could have used another hour or two sleep, but the body was up so what can you do? Swallowed my lentils, corn tortillas, salsa eggs cheese. mmm! I neglect to chew. Chew!
 Starry Plough w/Blackbirds, Scott, Gil today ~4-7. That should be fun - but I get overexcited - it's troublesome, because it's fun, but - esp after alcohol - I revert to 25-yr-old fanboy, and I'm not, I'm 57-yr-old man child. Still, just, y'know, be chill. Enjoy, but keep my feet on the ground. Take a few photos, shoot a bit of video, but relax and enjoy. Stick the video cam on a tripod, and snap a few snapshots. Relax and enjoy. It'll be fun to see everyone.
 So that's cool. Aside from that, got nothing planned.
 Long fb exchange about video cam fiasco, with * and Margaret. Guttered, of course, in a good natured poetic way. Then * privately fb'd feelings about post-reconnect (two years ago?). I replied a bit, topic turned to the photos we exchanged, and pros vs. cons of more. I sent one more old one. Silly fun. Felt vulnerable. But yeah. Good acceptable fun. So long as we know which end is up.
 Charged camera, batteries, iPod etc last night. Need to get rid of some cottage stuff and simplify. Organize.
 So - today - bike tire, cottage, Starry Plough and groceries.
 Okay? Okay. Relax. It's all good. Relax and enjoy. No need for the mind today - let it rest, and enjoy life in my body. Ommmm. ha ha ha
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 Sat Dec 3.11 nm
 Beautiful sunny clear windy morning - woke ~6, internet in a daze, back under pillows and blankets until ~9:45. Eggs/Lentils/corn tortillas, hot shower - a it of straightening, piled the DVDs, collected laundry, - thinking it might be good day for an afternoon drive around Marin backroads - yeah, maybe - everything's in the car, including PJB fixings and meds.
 Bike's back wheel is flat - leaving that for now - could drop off tomorrow?  Tomorrow ~3-4 afternoon show at Plough with Gil & Scott etc - get a larger card for my new camera, and a 2nd battery. Last night thought about buying a video camera for the show - priced on $300 - convinced myself to do it as a gift to Gil (this after a glass or two of wine at a work event) - but the place was closed, all the places up Market and in Union square were either closed or don't carry them. Weird -why is that? Does everyone buy their electronics online?
 Anyway, sometime between then and now get a 2nd battery and a larger card for the new digicam I bought in Chinatown a month or two ago, and film from the back for less distortion, in theory, and take a few snaps. That is all that is required of me for me.
 What a nice morning - sleeping in, with no obligations pressing - and a couple of successes recently to bask in: trip home with decently adult open discussions and strategies (weekly calls), and have the food business pretty well under control - food in the house, daily vegetable salads, fruit snacks, cooking breakfast, leaving time for daily showers, etc. yes - good times. Don't brag or get cocky, but also - there were plenty of bad times, not just divorce and DUI etc, but years of poverty and near homeless, directionless depression and general stress/self-loathing. Some of it just normal life and times most everyone gets to enjoy, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - but now at 57, before my body starts into real decline - let myself simply enjoy the gift of these comfortable, healthy happy times. I have been enormously fortunate, and the bad times help me organically enjoy and appreciate these good times. If it doesn't hurt, then it's doing pretty well.
 Do I really need to tell myself how fortunate etc I currently am? Better than battling self-loathing and fear I suppose!
 It's noon - the espresso is consumed - the car and daylight is waiting - 40mins across the bridge an hour or so up 1 to that backroad - then up and about on the thin hilly roads and finally back down through Nicasio - could be nice.
 Follow the body - watch the mind watching the body - watch the mind realize the body is doing fine without it - relax into the body, let the body take care of timing, pacing, feeding, plotting.
 There we go. Peaceful. Nice.

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 Sun Nov 27.11 hm II
 ~5hrs from Eel River/coast to home - ~1.45 from Eel to Russian River. Several stops along the way.
 Stopped downtown Bragg for espresso, almost waited for gallery to open, to to look for ceramic to buy, but thought better. Mendo headlands, stop and sit for a while - lovely morning - a bit misty, but plenty of sun and decent splashly waves, too.
 Mendo coffee shop and dispensary for meds (low on THC, high on pain killers) - curious to try. Leave Mendo ~11:30, at Eel River make final decision to head down 1, which meant driving against clock, to avoid driving post-Nicasio redwoods in the dark. That worked ok - stopped a few times to enjoy the magnificent magical Hwy 1 coast, eat, etc.
 I look fat in the face - yucch. Do something.
 Home ~5:30 - Internet, duh - out to WF ~7:30: yogurt, eggs, salad, coconut, etc. On trip brought salad, apples, eggs, peanut butter/jam and bread, brought salt&pepper/fork in soft cooler carry bag (from Chinatown?). Bringing food w/me seems to work very well. Though I do snack on pretzels/chips/soft drinks and such.
 Okay - 9pm - Kubrick extras on Dr Stangelove DVD.
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 Sun Nov 27.11 Bragg/Hotel
 Slept half-well - down ~9pm, up midnight to ~2:30 - in till ~8. That's ~8hrs sleep/rest.
 Showered - dressed read to go now @9am.
 Sat pm Sunset was nice enough - horizon was fogged in, but sky = lovely blue holes and streaks - hung by north headlands rock until it was almost too dark to see, then walked along bluffs through evening. Nice enough - too cool, so I missed savor of summer warm breezes and promises of more warm days and evenings, but it was okay, as we-are-heading-into-cold-short-days season goes.
 To Bragg - no movies of interest - north end of town hotel with old Fox News-watching folks and noisy room heaters. Walked few blocks to Denny's for turkey/mashed potatoes/milk shake. Bad TV, mainly slabs of 3rd Star Wars - so bad, or maybe just for kids? But the chopped, naked, agonized, burned Vader is a big much as camera drools over every tortured inch of flesh.
 And now? Look sunny but cold out there. MacKerricher always a beautiful option - but I'm thinking a slow cool drive down 1, which means an early start - leave town ~10:30am - 5-hour drive, with stops - enjoy lovely late afternoon sideways sun light in Marin - drop books at Nicasio - home by 6?
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 Sat Nov 26.11 Mendo Moody's
 Fri evening watched The Thin Man with Judd & Sooz - really fun movie and evening.
 Set alarm @6:30 and tried new sleep aid, which seemed to work well - good dreaming/good sleep - out of bed ~8, eggs & bread, pack, no bike because back tire is flat goddamit - doesn't matter, a bit chilly for biking anyway, and really this trip is about getting rested up and relaxing. Sprayed shower stall for 5th time before leaving ~9:15 - gas up, and easy driving - almost went up hwy 1, but figured the time and would've been rushed to beat the sunset, and want to avoid hitting Bragg after dark, just because it's so beautiful during the day - when I imagined seeing the ocean, and sun in the redwoods, I reflexively smiled, a sure good sign.
 Eric wasn't home - so up lovely 128, the sun bright all the way to the edge of the coast - stopped in Boonville to stretch legs and drink Starbucks cold mocha drink, strolled through apple orchard - pictures, pictures, pictures - stopped at Navroo store for Starbucks's cold mocha drink, and a couple of times for med and redwood strolls - across a fallen log - so beautiful, wet and fine. Miss the summer warmth and being able to sit or lay on the forest floor - can't when it's wet - but magically beautiful - the wetness bringing out the colors in stone, trees and red bark!
 Mendo arts/craft shows - checked them out - eh! No longer fooled, enamored of self-deluded. It's not my thing.
 Sun out - 4:38 - heading to coast to see about the sunset.
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 Fri Nov 25.11 hm
 Trying to accommodate the holiday blues/heaviness - the time of year when not believing in the Holy Roman Catholic Church, hell, damnation, heaven, the communion of saints and forgiveness of sins brings guilt at a very basic level - but fuck that, right? Not believing is better, for me, so I win.
 Chopped back front yard geraniums, big orange-berry bush, spindly orange flower plant, etc. Looks good.
 Biked up Shattuck to: Dispensary for 1/4 Mendo, hardware store for bleach for shower, Peet's sugar-free mocha and sit fown w/newspapers, BoA for $200, Missing Link - closed!?! - oh right, they treat their employees well - good - grumble grumble - up University to Mike's Bikes for handlebar mirror and air for tires, across campus - so easy with Mt bike - past sparse Occupy zone on Sproul - Telegraph to Amoeba - Smiths, Cream, Movies - eh! - got Dr Strangelove for the extras, making of Dark Side of the Moon (I like making of stuff - I want to see the man behind the curtain), and my special order of Rainbow Bridge was in. Cool! Back to Shattuck hardware for 15mm wrench and velcro so I can tighten front wheel.
 And home. Sprayed nasty bleach twice on shower stall walls. Turned on little fan for fumes, it started to stutter and spark, put it in garbage. The bleach spilled a bit in my Cambridge bag, so shower to get it off hands, soak bag which is developing white spots, and to Sooz's ~6 for Lost.
 Feeling a little better. Stay busy - get things done - bleach in shower and mirror on handlebar. And... should I leave early and do Bragg tomorrow? $100 for gas, hotel and food. Why not? Up at 6, leave at 7 - that's 7 hours before sun really sets. Could. Probably gloomy to be out and alone on long holiday weekend - but better than sitting in the cottage/Nomad etc - maybe.
 Chill. Be happy if I want to be happy. Just because I feel a little emotional - something goes wrong and my inner child cries - doesn't mean I'm not happy, and that this isn't the best day, hour, moment of my life. These are the good days. Revel in them. Smile. Eat good food. Give turkey to Cece the one-eyes cat (I put the plate down so he had to come in the cottage to eat this morning). Visit friends. It's good this way.
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 Fri Nov 25.11 nm
 Great Thanksgiving dinner w/G&S - mmm - a bit of Holiday blues, the best thing is to keep moving - get bleach for bathroom, do some yard work - front yard geraniums need trimming - maybe Amoeba for Cream CDs.
 Lots of food last night, and 60s puppet TV shows.
 I think in general I'm feeling emotional and vulnerable over Dad & Mom/family business - the weekly calls - it's an emotional transition - yet I am so fortunate they are still alive, and that we have reached a point of conciliation and respect. I think they consciously decided not to criticize - but maybe it was organic. Dad and Dad may have picked up that criticizing my politics and suggesting I try Catholicism, was not working for any of us. Just chasing me away. Treating me as someone who needs to be saved, or needs to be educated as to my proper role as a citizen, is to disrespect me as an adult.
 Family! I'll have it my way, or not at all, thanks. I will be heard and respected, or keep it at a respectful distance.
 Yep - S let C lie about me and did not defend me. In most recent contact, she lied to mutual friends/family, and when I asked her to correct herself, she was merely snide - "They're not loosing any sleep over it." - the same way she laughed off C's slander - "No one believes him anyway." Like D, anger justifies all wrong or immoral, destructive actions; it's a girl thing. D stole my property - movies and video - and that's enough to blow her off. S lied then and lies now. That's enough to take steps to keep her at a distance. I tried outreach, got a long 'My way or the highway.' msg. Cool. Clear... do the right thing, so I can entirely past it. What does the Big Book say - when making amends, to admit my resentments and deeds, and not under any circumstance to criticize them.
 And only if necessary - I think they also say, if making the amends will only make things worse, then don't - it has been ~15years after all. Maybe I just need to forgive myself, and there's no reason to bring her into it. Maybe make amends to myself, write myself a private letter of apology for letting myself down, for my weakness. That approach rings a more true bell than everything I've been blogging lately, about one last letter to her.
 I'm a guy - guys hang on, women move on. Accept that I will continue to feel attachment not based on reality.
 Okay - time to shop for bleach.
 Really - let go. No, really.
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 Thu Nov 24.11 nm
 Two days off for Thanksgiving - 4 day weekend, including early off yesterday. That's way better than a lot of people get - gratitude - 57yrs old and my body is not broken, my parents re still alive and I'm in regular touch, and perhaps I am old enough, strong enough, not to be threatened by their advice and criticism, and they are old enough to not criticize or suggest that my politics, religion or life needs to be adjusted by them. The fundamental things should be left along, including the past. DO I really need to know who saw my drawing pads? Damn curious, but really - why? Maybe dropping it works best for all, because what difference does it make?
 Wed worked 8-1 - and maybe it's age, but getting up early like that or working a 6th day leaves me unpleasantly weary - after work, pb&j eaten walking down the street, up and down Chinatown, up Nob and down to Union Sq & home. Rest for couple of hours - useless drained brain - last minute rushed work jobs, and potential video editing I had not been prepped on, will do that. ~6:30 med, WF: baby coconut, yogurt, salad bar. Home for salad, meds, yogurt and online stuff - some pepper spraying cop meme photoshop. Disappointed that none of mine have gotten onto the sites - but fun anyway, so there.
 Tues: Work @9, but still a bit off from lost sleep working Sunday 2:30-11 - avoiding self-pity, but acknowledging the fatigue and not pretending to be a robot. I get worn out and can't do the job as well. That's to be expected and needn't be brought to anyone's attention - just pace myself and do the best I can. Period.
 No word back from S. Tried to soften the tone, make a feint at apologies, acknowledged some of her points were right on and stated my intention to make it right. And... (crickets). Good. I can feel good about that.
 There's still sibs who I am not on good terms with, but a lot of anger dissipates when making the transition from angry child to adult who helps with father walk down the hallway of this apt complex for exercise, and helps him look up at the nearly-full West Virginal moon, knowing it could be his last. And so face my own mortality. and not run from the sadness and terror. And acknowledge strength religion can supply, in spite of utter lunacy of the fairytale dogma.
 I don't have to get along, be friends with etc brother or any sibs, or any one, but I also don't want to carry the burden of constantly needing to be fed and justified anger. I need a real reason to let that crutch of righteousness go, and the blessing of walking Dad down the hallway, just he and I, doing that one thing together, like no one else can - that makes things pretty clear. Hard to be petty, hard to be angry, in that particular hallway.
 Jeez, I almost sounds like an adult.
 Made my Wed call home ~1pm, when I was leaving work - talked for ~20min, 10 ea M&P, and it was small and pleasant, about health, The Thin Man, Romney, the home movies I'm going to digitize and edit, slow-down. Dad is perhaps, consciously or not, not "teaching" me, offering up his opinions about politics, so no dead silences. Yes, the Wednesday 3pm calls, like quitting drinking, is a good positive action - not just not doing wrong, but doing good.
 Slept decently last night - up from ~4-5 on internet - wake ~8, dreams of high school girl Libby holding, feeling my unmoving hands on her thin warm back and ribs. She is a concept, a person around feelings coalesced, that I can remember, but no need to involve her in my reconstructions, navel gazing, healing.
 Getting better at choosing the right meds and doses.
 G&S this afternoon - need to do laundry, but maybe not today, and shower before going over ~3? No plans for Fri-Sun - maybe a coast drive, visit Eric, maybe Thing Man with Sooz & Judd.
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 Fri Nov 18.11 wk
 Slept well again - last night home ~7:30, medicate, music (GBV Suitcases Wed pm, random last night), play online - more guro hentai, but it gets old.
 Feeling better, being in touch w/M&P - doing regular phone contact is good for me, better than alternative, guilt/shame/fear of avoidance. Avoidance is a big problem and habit for me - facing things is better, risking confrontation - just do the best I can. Habit, ritual and strategize as necessary. When I get an uncomfortable email - say from Shelley - read it when it arrives, open letters when they arrive. Period.
 Working Sunday - good work problem solving this morning, very positive responses and a Tip to West Coast and Global trainers. Feels good.
 And I feel physically and mentally solid when I'm in touch with family - just have to meld the anger into it all, as part of the mix, not the most important part - let it blend and the anger seems natural and manageable, not part of my shameful insanity and weakness, but an intrinsic part of being human, an inevitable part of the closeness and insularity of Family.
 Got it? Got it.
 Okay. Use that knowledge. Move on and move forward. As Dad says, "Good."
 Working Sunday 3-11 - yuchh! But hey, stop whining - it's extra money and I have the morning free.
 Finished Karen/Iain holiday present 'Way of Seeing' - good stuff. Now Manuel Noriega's autobiography.
 No plans for weekend - front yard needs a trimming - cottage needs tidying, shower stall need bleach and clean, cobwebs need sweeping. And backroads need driving  :-)
 Make health and weight my life's work - why not? - they are related, if watching what I eat, eating less, and physical activates are good for me, why not make that the focus?, and getting down to 190lbs would be easy and fun, make it a hobby -
 - Yeah,, I can tell by the clumsiness of that sentence that's it's fucking unlikely. Whatever - but keep eyes on health prize - plan as If I might, like my parents, live till 80.
 Learning valuable lessons from visit home, being near family, how to get along, who I am and why - acceptance, importance, focus, values - I am what I am no matter what the relationship with my family - I needn't lose who I am when I go home. It's embarrassing that they saw me in my weakness and meanness, but that cuts both ways - so it's a wash. That balance part of any family. Some families talk about it - some don't - ours doesn't. Okay... but I still get to ask what I want to ask - like what happened with those drawing pads that they borrowed and mailed back to me 1.5years later in Ann Arbor with no note of explanation, which nailed down the knowledge that it was a taboo subject, not to be discussed in any circumstances. Well, ~37 years later now, I will ask. No doubt they did it to help, there was no maliciousness - thanks for trying - maybe I should not lightly question parental decisions they made while I lived - however emotionally violently uncomfortably - under their roof -, but I do get to ask about something that happened after I left home.
 Yeah.
 Not a new day dawning - I always feel good after visits home - but the weekly calls give me hope. Tom, too, weekly. Is this making up for the emotional Dad distance that wounded his sons? The swiftness with which Mom hands the phone to Dad makes me suspect as much.
 Okay? Okay.
 3-day week next week - nice! Should be slow, too. Digitize family movies and slow down and correct color.
 Weather is cool and nice - beautiful fall.
 Life is very very good. And focusing on the positive, expecting good, rather than anticipating bad, putting myself down and looking into the dark, is best.
 Driving is sitting with the illusion of movement. But I do wind up somewhere, and by the ocean is a good place to wind up. I'm doing it right.
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 Wed Nov 16.11 bed
 Sun up @3am, brush teeth, finish packing, drive 1.25hrs to Pgh airport, drop off car, quick through security, breakfast and "coffee" - Midwest espresso sucks. couple of hours, nap on plane, but wore out from the whole thing - it was a beautiful, warm sunny day when I got home @noon, but too whipped to risk driving. Deep napping, then up and out ~ 6pm to Elmwood for laundry and burrito.
 Realized I had not medicated for a week and had not missed it at all.
 A bit jet-lagged, more like just tired. Lost with Sooz & son last night  -2nd episode of 2nd season.
 Having Dad's need for aid, and his becoming more mellow as he ages and begins to fade, helped focus on family and less on our personal issues - hurt feelings etc. The bad stuff seems inevitable and just part of family, and even just part of being human. There's deep shit to get over, and maybe it's not possible to get over it, too deeply engrained. Those hurts - and pleasures - are who I am. So best behavior is all we can hope for, disappointing as that is. Best behavior is a sort of getting over it.
 Still it feels good, and not experiencing regrets about staying away. Made an arrangement to call every Wednesday around dinner time - from work for me, which makes it easier to keep it brief as I want. Need to build steady reliable contacts. Don't expect much - we are a family of explainers - ask a simple questions and you get the reasoning behind the answer, rather than the answer, a simple yes or no. Sometimes you have to decipher, or ask again and again to force out a direct answer. Children of alcoholics, avoiding confrontation. A simple answer might be disputed, so you have to explain and justify your answer against anticipated assault.
 ParknEat dinner Sat pm w/M/P/B/S, no Anne. Pumpkin pie!
 Home, dad says he marked a few pages to show me in the scrapbooks, but then starts slowly rambling through them, unfocused - I say I must leave soon and let's focus, but no go. Mom comes over and helps - I remember Dad doing this through the years, perhaps his way of dealing with emotion/goodbyes - he starts 'teaching', or makes himself focus of all attention by going on and on about himself - almost a filibuster. So not totally unexpected, and I felt comfortable getting things on track, moving them forward in as kind and straightforward a manner as possible and left ~7:30. He's a weirdo, that's for sure.
 And then there's me - if I want to talk about weird family members. It may simply be because we know each other so deeply in that family way. But the history or alcoholism, financial misery, death, dead father, etc, and our folks' attempting to protect us from it and raising us right created a certain dynamic, where so much was hidden from us, many taboos. It wasn't so bad, but worth noting.
 Full of emotion, coming home at last - being able to finally give something of value back to my father, I can help him walk, direct him and help him keep his balance. That'll do for now. Yep.
 Work - ugh - it was a good vacation, no let up at work, but it's okay and I do good support for all the right people, and everyone really, training the EAs, fast turnaround for Partners, sharing with Global graphics folks. It's all good. I think they can't live without me - but also know everyone is expendable if things get worse. It's a good balance of security and realism.
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 Sat Nov.12 Morg II
 A little upset about no breakfast this morning, or was I? Because I wasn't really in the mood - all talked and socialized out - and soon as I got the word, I was energized to shower and drive around town, south of the city, photos on a creek, then east to Masontown and Kingwood. Starving - got a Subway sandwich on the way - yum! thank you Subway! - Mom called as I was nearing Kingwood - she hadn't realized my whole morning plan was taking them out to breakfast, thought I was having breakfast with Beth & Sean. I was bummed to miss the chance - but it turned out well.
 Family communication always will be imperfect.
 Beautiful warm day for a lovely drive through the fall country roads, walls of sandstone and boulders on the sides, a creek through the tall slender and gnarled, mainly naked trees.
 Masontown, past Arthurdale - to Kingwoods, and walked around side streets - lovely homes and cool downtown buildings.
 Back in time for last 1/2 of WVU vs. Cincinnati on TV - good game! and WVU unexpectedly won - cool!
 Mom talked over their financial plans and gave me a pack describing I'm not sure what, but maybe our inheritance. I said letters were difficult and that I call every Wednesday night - from work ~3 or 4 I suppose. Get used to each other. Make up for lost time? Ask about the drawing pads they "borrowed".
 Dinner at Parkn'Eat with B&S - that was fun - pumpkin pie desserts! Goodbyes to Beth & Sean. Didn't see Anne much.
 Dad wanted to show me specific stuff in his scrap books (brother Jim's drawings and old photos - in particular the ones I got from his Nephew John(?)), but I needed to go - thinking of Sydney Greenstreet -
 "The shortest goodbyes are the best!"
 Fearing that I'm passing up valuable time together and will regret not clinging to every moment, but not wanting to drag it out and get maudlin. Wise. He was rambling and losing track, and I understand and sympathize, but we also need to make the time count; Mom helped him get to the point, and I was straightforward when it was time to go, without being rude I hope. Even before he began to get confused, he rambled and lost focus, so it was not cruel or a missed chance I think. This was a valuable visit, and even if he was more sharp, the conversation I imagined having could never happen - we exchanged letters, and now I help him walk. There.
 Hotel - packed (not so painful) - wristwatch, alarm clock and phone will all ring at 3:30.
 Home by 11:30. Stay up? Work Monday, but not till 10.
++++++++++++
 Sat 12.11 Morg
 Ok - keep it light - relax. There's no need to get heavy now - get breakfast, help dad in, he'll - both M&P will enjoy that, so will I if I can relax. I'm no longer on display, nor are they - we are used to each other, acquainted. Relax and enjoy the week off.
 Didn't get to bed till ~midnight, but slept well again, awake ~7:30 - nooo!!! Heading out to lobby for breakfast, Hispanic gentleman asked me for a jump, he had cables, so we did that. Took a while, 10mins with of test tries, but it fired up. Cool! We were all happy and relieved.
 Eggs/white toast, floppy bacon and brown water. Now call M&P to make plans, than breakfast. Okay - no breakfast, and they may not be able to get the game. Got it. Done. Over. For all of us. A week is a long time - a disruption of out comfortable routines. I could make a quick drive out of town? Pittsburgh is too far, and not sure how important that is anyway. A quick shot our 64 to Coopers? Or back out towards Arthurdale. Or just chill out here in town - coffee and a paper somewhere, like I would do in Oakland. Good - I can relax. I was looking forward to doing something nice for dad breakfast-wise, but now I will do something nice by leaving them to their own space. Enough has been done, the excitement is over, mission accomplished - I was enjoying the attention, homecoming, see how well I am, job, health, etc. And now we return to our regular programming.
 I have 3-4 hours - hot bath, hot espresso, hot newspaper, drive around town to take it all in one last time - but really, anything? I'm right on 119, so I could head out to...?
 Anyway - hot shower now - than a drive sounds good.
 I feel good.
 I'm reminded of Shelley & I before I (we?) hit bottom - broke, unable to stop the spiral even though we see the pattern, unwilling to replace something with nothing, or face the depressing struggle. When you're in a hole, stop digging - easier said than done. And none of my business - do-gooders come in last. I see me, and it's pretty stressful, for everyone, not just me.
 Okay - shower - drive - coffee . .
+++++++++++
 Fri 11.11.11 BW
 Some trouble waking up this am - ~8am? - "breakfast" in the lobby. Beth came by ~ 10, she drives, $ to Sean @ library, get gas & got to Arthurdale, a New Deal / Eleanor Roosevelt village for po' folk. Very cool history, old buildings, some abandoned - good break/fun/touristy/vacation thing to do. Beautiful drive with a dusting of snow in the trees and hills - eye candy, love WV.
 Pick up Sean, lunch, bad traffic & family talk, drop me at hotel with plans to watch movie later. My stomach is bad - from too much coffee and big chunk of meat? - call and bail, which works, it's their hang-out night anyway, and tomorrow may be a long day: breakfast w/M&P, then football game - I probably needed a break, and they could probably use a break as well, now as we've gotten past the initial getting used to each other, and getting reacquainted, and a couple of quality visits/meals. Yes - it was time for a break - but really glad Beth & I had today.
 Just sitting still tonight, putting up Arthurdale pics on fb.
 Thurs:  Visit Sean's library in morning, then lunch at coffee sandwich place next to campus w/Beth. Drop in on M&P, do a walk with Dad down driveway then up and down hall outside their apt. Meet helpers, and one of their very cute 6mo old babies. Soup, crackers, cheese, milk, diet coke, ginger snaps lunch. Talk about many things, esp Penn State sex scandal. Mom & I do most of the talking, with Dad watching/listening but seeming engaged. That works. There's probably no sensitive subject worth broaching with him, no pay-off, no conclusion. He said & did hateful things, and hate came back to him, did loving things, and love comes back to him. Learn.
 Watched DVD of home movies - that was fun. She looks so young! Like a pretty teen - and Dad as a young young man - and they had SIX KIDS - how the fuck did they do that? I admit, I am mighty impressed. I don't have to forgive them everything - though it'd be nice if I could? - but still. Six. Goddam. Joan in The Way, Mary & Joan with curly 70s hair, Grandma Toren and Grandma and Grandpa Halloran - sisters - brothers, uncles, etc. Family.
 Family.
 We drive to Volcano sushi restaurant - helping Dad in and out of car comes very naturally, as does helping direct him while he walks, since he can't use his walker with his broken hand, and maybe his ulcerous toe. Lots of nice compliments on fb photo with me/M&P. It's nice to have people who know I have trouble around M&P, and who are happy I'm having a positive/healing experience. And nice to share with them. Wholesome. Organic. Fortunate. That they are alive and with us to share these good times.
 Volcano is nice, I treat, the sushi is good, and M&P enjoy the miso soup, teriyaki chicken & salad with ginger dressing. Got a nice photo, and waitress joked about the bamboo leave under the sushi - "Don't eat!" - complimentary deep-friend banana dessert was fucking delicious! God I want some now.
 Drop off M&P, watch some more of the DVD. I head out ~8 when the night caretaker shows up, and sleep ~11 - sleep a solid 8hrs. I think the pillowcase I brought from Berkeley must be helping, because in spite of internal tensions I have had great luck sleeping. Also my guts have been pretty good, not shut down like usual when traveling.
 Colder this morning - almost saw a snow flurry ~breakfast, but lots of sun breaking through a feathery purple cloud cover, which was beautiful and great for my mood - though I was a bit dull, tongue-tied and even a little hyper throughout today.
 We discussed inheritance and M&Ps financial situation, and I feel a little better - it seems mom will be okay, and whatever inheritance I get - if any - won't be much, anyway not enough to make a big change - any change really - in my lifestyle. I know the greed point in there - money is always nice - but it won't change my future plans to retire in a trailer park. And I could die tomorrow - or today - so I don't spend any serious time thinking about it. There's no point, and that's a fact.
 Let's see - today stopped to pick up meds for Beth and people-watched. That was fun.
 Okay. Didn't see much of Anne. Okay. None of my business.
 Flight out of here leaves ~8. So - get there ~6 - so, leave ~4:15 to leave time to drop off rental car. So, up ~3:30. So pack, bed early - maybe 11 - for 4.5hrs rest. And have hotel call and set alarm.
 Saturday pm. Pack. Bed @11. Up at 3:30. Leave at 4:15. That will work. No whining. Sleep Sunday afternoon. And back to work Monday. With luck I'll avoid jetlag.
 Okay. 8:42 - how about a nice hot bath?
+++++++++++
 Thu Nov 10.11 Best Western
 Just finished the BW breakfast - slept pretty well till middle night, the on and off deep sleep till 8, as planned.
 Dreamed I met Porter Wagoner behind the stage at a club where what's-is-name was playing - couldn't get the camera to work for a portrait pointing camera up at out faces, as Porter had suggested, so the flash wouldn't hit the stage and distract from the show.
 Another aggressive sex dream with a woman who seemed to be someone familiar - never got around to actual penetration, started harsh, then followed through affectionate - turned into a movie set being torn down, a janitor type almost threw a bucket of dirty soapy water on us - she left and seemed okay, I asked her if she was going to call the cops, she said no. Slightly disturbing, but you dream what you dream. Don't remember one quite like it, and wonder what brings it up.
 Another dream - going back down street to find my hat, my car getting towed away - I charge woman ticketer and insist tickets have all been paid, getting so angry and frustrated I lose my voice, relax and am able to mutter through my arguments, desperate not to lose my car, offer her cash to pay ticket - she seems to be softening, a large'ish, seemingly sympathetic crowd forms.
 Hmp. Authority and sexual tension dreams - miscommunication - anger and aggression over disputes. React with money, anger, violence. Basic emotions. Ok.
 Yest AM drive M&P to doc appt ~11, then home for lunch - back to hotel for quick nap, feeling the jet-lag - to library ~4 to visit with Beth, see displays and office, get Starbucks coffee, make plans. To M&Ps, Anne there, to Olive Garden - what a xxxxx family, that's everyone's family, we're people, right? Loud, and trouble making menu decisions, xxxx suddenly xxxxxx w/no xxxxxxxx, large pile of plates handed over knocks over a large glass of water - just misses me - xxxxxxx? - nah! Out poor waitress handled it like a pro and I left a large tip.
 It's fun driving around. Thursday morning now - overcast - getting a little old - maybe I should have gone to Pittsburgh or Charleston today - another road trip? Another afternoon looking at albums? Is it not a little boring for them? But, it's so rare, and may not be again for while - if ever - so we risk boredom for the advantages. Being bored together. Not the end of the world. There is a big payoff.
 Powdered eggs from mix, thin white useless bread/toast with non-butter-greaser, floppy bacon, warm brown water they call coffee. I am a spoiled, food elitist.
 Okay. 9:16 - Internet till 9:30, shower - leave at 10 and visit Sean's library. Check in w/M&P.
 Sure is interesting. With Dad slowed down, mellowed, less engaged, unable to launch attacks, the old angers slip away. I instantly help him move around, sit, get in and out of car, restaurant tables, wheelchair - it all seems very natural to do that - to help. Because there's no choice, it there, so you do it. Mentioned to A maybe doing something today, she ran off last night without responding. Entertaining out-of-town guests can be a bore. I'm just here. Take it easy. Find the balance. Don't force more hugs and kisses on M&P than they are comfortable with - maybe it's not there thing. But, it is me, and it can't hurt. People need to love and be loved. Dad And I managed to get through their Holy Land scrap book without refighting the 1967 Israeli War, or the battle of Good vs. Evil.
 It is what it is.
 I look in the hotel mirror and see myself older and fatter than usual. Home. Seeing Dad. Being reminded of mortality, generations. Sobering. Maybe maturing. Maybe that is part of what one - I - resists when avoiding home. And also not wanting to lose myself - I have my life, my friends, job, lifestyle, pleasures - but I am also a member of the West Virginia Toren/Ohio Halloran clans.
 Wouldn't mind just wandering around today. Well, downtown to library, then we'll see what's up at home.
 Might be snowing Saturday night - have to get to airport ~5amSunday morning - not looking forward to being tired driving through snow, slick roads. Need a plan. Just give myself 2 hours to get there. Up @2am, leave at 3 - arrive ~4:30-:45. Drop off car. No prob.
 Karen got the love/care package from Buff/DJ/Sooz/I and liked it very much.
+++++++++++
 Wed Nov 9.11 BW
 Beth Sean/M&P Mon, Yesterday Cooper's rock and Mexican dinner w/M&P, up early'ish today for BW breakfast doc appt w/M&P & lunch. Now a break, library to see Beth, dinner w/M&P/Anne/Beth Sean. Needed a break after morning - chill out fresh air.
 Big clear colorful surreal dreams this morning about North Allegheny High School and Carson - hippie color music fest at NA, sneak into heavily fortified Carson, ask about Wes Buterbaugh, see him in a busy concrete room with lots of student activity and start towards him. Wake.
 He has a big impact, gave me encouragement. I owe him. I had thought to visit the area today, but did the doc appt w/M&P instead, so that's probably why.
 Cooper's was nice, and so far so good, though getting up early this morning, ran into the jetlag effect and off balance/weary. Talked w/M&P about the AHAD in the family and a bit about how it negatively affected my life, and how diet helps. Sort of intense. They know it like none other, but mom said they didn't feed me sugar - and I said, uh cake sugar frosted flakes ice cream nestle's quik etc - uh, yes you did.
+++++++++++
 Mon Nov 7.11 BW
 Easy flight - the window seat was worth the cost, and - oddly, for a fully-booked flight - the seat next to me was empty so, eye-covered and ear-plugged, dozed the fast 5 hours - after the UK flights and 1-day LA roundtrips, it's no big deal.
 Rent-a car was no prob. ~1.15hr to Morgantown - if these are $135 rooms, I wonder about Econolodge - next time shop around. It's good to be so close to M&P but, in a town this size, it's not much difference. Hung clothes.
 Took an Advil PM ~2am on my hippie pillow case on a pillow - which helped, slept well - turned off noisy heater middle of night, didn't notice any hangover from sleeping pill. Cool.
 Up @ 9, then again @10 and 11. Internet, shower, out for Omelets breakfast and a decent double espresso - surprised at how much of town I remember! Found a restaurant I remember form other visits, then downtown past WVU and up past the old M&P home. Photo memories, and the back car port where during the 88 tour Donnette tried to take one of the vans and, when I stopped her, quit the band, then rejoined, all in 10 minutes. Good times and bad.
 Remembering visits with Shelley - some sadness about that - maybe that was early on - there were good times, though the emotional meeting I'd imagined would happen over time in marriage never quite happened. No one's fault. But it was nice at times, to be with somebody. Well, and so it goes with most. Reality.
 Beautiful weather! Fall, bright, colorful hillsides, no too cold, hardly a breeze. Talked to Mom and she said supposed to be like this all week.
 Looked at maps for morning trip to high schools - looks liked it's all still there, and maybe a relatively easy drive to visit Ingomar? That'd be a trip. Carson, etc, the hill where the coffee house used to be before burning down. Our first shared teenage orgasms, before we knew what they were really.
 Dad to hospital to have hand looked at, broke it in a fall. Maybe do HS some early morning, like leave ~6 - get there at 8 - four hours in Madison St. neighborhood, bus stop, North Allegheny, Ingomar and maybe the Mall and side road youth center? Back to Morgantown by 3 pm? Sure, why not? Do-able.
 But maybe wait a day or two. Still not sure how the visits etc are going to work out. I can't just sit around for pothers to be free, I'll go nuts. Get out for trips, but work around other's schedules. But also be generous with myself and my time. This may be the last time. A tough balance. Work it out. Use intuition, but be generous, think of others first.
 Day 1. Monday. Five days to go. That should make it easy to balance Morgantown family with day tips to Pittsburgh, out to nature, etc.
 Tough - since everyone works, and Dad needs naps. Make it work. Balance my wants and desires a little less this trip. It will pay off in the short and long-term for everyone. Got it. Get over myself just a little.
+++++++++++
 Sunday Nov 6.11 SFO II
 BART ride was easy & quick - just ~1hr, ez shuttle to Term 3. No prob at check through, didn't have to dump out chargers and such, and forgot to take off my belt, but no double-takes. Cool. Wearing comfy clothes, cash in my wallet, passport in jacket.
 Tried for a window seat - but it was extra $$, but while checking in at a hoo-hah accidentally got a window seat for ~$80 - I wouldn't have done it intentionally, but am actually glad I did it - $80 means maybe I sleep for some of the 5 hours, and sit closer to the front, so faster getting off. Accidental, but I'll take it.
 Snarfed a pbj before leaving, which was just enough. Chicken udon here, plus 4 pieces of sushi - the warm soup was heavenly - my body is fearing cold and craving warmth. Free wifi here at SFO - nice!
 Family is tough, do whatever I can to make it easier.
 Meantime, relax and have a good time. Take good care of myself. Be a good son, brother, person.
+++++++++++
 Sunday Nov 6.11 hm
 Self-emailed idiot check
 Laundry in front house
 Hard-boiled eggs
 Toothbrush/paste/deodorant
 Charge phone and camera & laptop
 Chargers - phone camera iPod laptop
 Watch - set backwards
 Digicam download cable
 Maps to hotel
 Telephone #s
 Dishes
 Apples to front house
 Make bed up
 Tidy cottage
 Shower/shave etc
 Airplane: pillow/eye covers/earplugs
 Wallet
 Hat/gloves/scarf
 Glasses
 Pens
 Call Karen
 Pretty much all done - didn't have time for K call, but brining laptop cam, maybe do a Skype this week?
 Dishes, shower, laundry - remade bed to come home to comfort. Vacuumed.
 Emailed S. It's bumpy, but maybe that's inevitable at first, and even going foreword, don't give up too easily. Give it time. Halfway apologized for assholishness, and said some of her points make sense.
 G&S out East.
 I think I got my trip stuff together - was planning to leave at 2pm to arrive two hours early at for 4pm flight - left out the two-hours-early bit - checked flight times ~10:30 faith and begorrah I don't leave at 2 to get there at 4, I leave at noon to get there two hours early - sheeit. I seem to have nailed the little things and almost missed the big kahuna - like bringing the wrong passport on trip to UK. Gotta nail big and small - all. It's okay. It was a near-miss. Leaving ~12:30, arrive @SFO ~2 and try to get a window seat.
 I'll miss my home. Comfort. Routine. Pillows. Buff & DJ. That's not a problem. But having time off work in my home state in full autumn will be nice. Relax and enjoy, and spend quality time with sibs and folks. Take it easy on myself and them, quiet and serene. Keep it shallow. Don't sweat the small stuff. A week is a long time - take as many good long breaks as necessary. Visit Pittsburgh once or twice - natural history museum and high school/neighborhood?
 Multiple viewings of the Menu Song with Rita Moreno & Morgan Freeman - hilarious and brilliant. Wasn't till after the show I realized how multi-talented, ho9w many different areas she had mastered. Pretty amazing, and I was lucky to have caught it.
 Okay. Shove this puppy in the suitcase and let's go.
+++++++++++
 Sat Nov 5.11 nm
 Okay - so it's like that. I went to blog, and needed to download the most recent page, but instead uploaded the old one from my laptop. The newest entries are at work, so no great loss - and no great loss regardless. It's been largely a rough, sleepless week - all the family stuff throws me, along with Shelly/photo albums and High School stuff.
 It's all good and all getting worked out for the best. But be a bit cautious that I am emotional and need to make an extra effort to stay on point.
 Like I came to the Nomad this morning without my wallet - yeah - little things - but they can cause big problems on cross-country trips. Just make an effort to stay sharp - don't assume I'm 100% because I got some sleep. I'll be out of my comfort zone, and out of the groove/rut/routine.
 Another good night's sleep last night - ~11-6:30, then internet and nap, then lentils/eggs/cheese/tortilla/salsa - halfway turned it upside down from pan to plate, but saved it, savored it - gratitude. Yes.
 Get my feet on the ground. Own it all. All the anger and sorrow around growing up, I try to make sense of it by seeking reasons and placing blame, but it's all my own, just life, just like everyone else.
 Own it all. Mine, mine, mine!
 Not yours. Not his. Mine.
 Hating parents is natural - we all do it - no one wants to stay at home and spend a lot of time with their parents. Gte over that. My life. Own it all. All in my skin.
 It's tough on them to. They feel like they failed us. We feel like we failed them. Okay. So what is the relationship? Just nostalgia? Well, here's something more - they are old, and Dad is getting mentally and physically frail - I can visit, spend time, be kind and good, and give back. Here's an opportunity to do good and balance things a tiny amount. Like paying for all Marge & John meals. Small small small - but it's perhaps the change in attitude that counts for something. It's says, I appreciate what you did for me.
 Yes - woke up feeling okay. Like I have a grasp on where I want to be, esp around family - and if I can't always attain that, be kind to myself, relax, let myself alone, let it be.
 This week is all about family. Like J&M visit, where we did not discuss why I'd disappeared for two years, in WV we will focus on the now. The past is how we got here. Muckraking wouldn't bring up much we didn't already know - there were good times and bad, as teenagers we rebelled and hated them and they probably hated us at times. Big arguments about politics and religion. Battle lines drawn. Breath held until we turned blue. Sibling rivalry. Competition for affection and resources.
 All of us human and sometimes crazy. Just - do the best we can.
 And take care of myself - fresh air, good food, no alcohol, keep my  boundaries but let family through more than your average civilian. Short visits, don't push it. Don't try too hard.
 Chill. Enjoy. It's going to be great.
++++++++++
 Fri Nov 4.11 wk
 Good night's sleep at last - must've dropped off ~10:30, and woke ~6:30 from dreams - don't remember much tossing & turning, maybe a small period. Ok fine good. Feet on the ground. Be here now.
 Falling sleep to the John Bro's CD - love it!
 Raining this morning - but stopped by the time I left for BART. Nice - beautiful cloud formations - clear clean air - shiny streets and cars.
 Still feeling mentally sloppy, but at least my body feels rested.
 The past looms up and distracts me from the little daily comforts and routine.
 Shelley and albums, possible easing of tensions resolved.
 High School stuff turning out to be a positive - people remember me as artistic/creative - and I realize the hostile/anger stuff mainly came out later - maybe exaggerated in my mind to explain feeling of isolation/rejection as people formed groups/tribes/relationships etc. Normal stuff.
 Reminds me that there's always bad/sad vs. good/transcendent stuff in life, and if in the balance it's good and tolerable then relax and go with it, staying engaged, trying to be good and make the world a better place overall, and specifically with immediate circle, but also beyond the circle of my tribe.
 Making HS memories into a good thing, understanding the impact of AHAD had on my life - that I was not bad, that people did not hate me, that I wasn't stupid, but had trouble concentrating, as so many of us do - yet, beyond the bitterness and disappointments, - life has turned out okay. I am doing very well within my strengths and limitations.
 So - past - Shelley, High School, and home. Resolved.
 And home always brings difficulties. Most people run in terror and only maybe spend holidays together, and need alcohol and drugs to make it through that.
 Whatever I put into family will come back tripled, so take chances, without being overbearing - dunno for sure, but I feel my current low-key approach is probably working out okay, FB offers a good medium for communications with comfortable distance, to build trust a present-base family relationships. The past will always be beneath the surface - and best to leave it there. Adulthood.
 Adulthood.
 Deal with it.
 Tomorrow I have off more or less. Laundry. Begin to pack. Clean cottage, get out for a nice hike. Get info together. Make a check list. Berkeley Rep tonight.
 Last night checked in on Willie. Eyes sunk in sockets - he seemed sad - missing him mommy - but talkative, let me pick him up a few times and purred mighty, and especially when I fed him. Napped on my lap while I read New Yorkers and ate the remaining pretzels.
 Life is good.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++++++++
 Thu Nov 3.11 wk
 Again with the lousy sleep - nod off ~10-10:30, up ~2-3 and more or less awake-'ish until 7:30.
 That worked - gave me time - after WF shop last night - to make lentil/eggs/cheese/tortilla/hot salsa breakfast - mmm.
 Let's see - called Mom re hotels, she more-or-less asked me to skip Charleston and do the whole week in Morgantown for Dad's sake, guess he's struggling with concentration. Looked at hotels in Morgantown and decided to keep it simple - one week in Morgantown, skip Charleston - it probably hadn't changed much anyway. Maybe some day in the future I'll have a free week to spend there, and it'll have even more value.
 Thought about two nights at Beth's, but I think one week in one place will be best, most restful - having my own spot. Still plenty of time to socialize with all them.
 No panicked driving at night, lost and tired in the dark. This will be much easier.
 Mom said something about it feeling better to do things for someone else (re my trip to Charleston). And she's right.
 Then I thought, the other thing I did today was package gifts from Buff/DJ/Sooz and me for K&Xo. And tonight I'm hanging with Willie after work. I'm doing my bit.
 Got most stuff cleared up - new reading glasses, Berk Rep tomorrow night, checked BoA acct for WV $, finalized WV plans and told family on fb group.
 Scanning Yearbook pages for upload to 1972 North Allegheny group, which are getting appreciation.
 So that's good.
 Set up phone and email alerts tomorrow.
 Saturday hang out and relax, laundry, start packing. But get out for some fun, too if weather allows - Pt Reyes or Nicasio music or Olampoli.
 Make a list of electronic gear for trips and post it - battery chargers, etc.
 Wow - somewhat light-headed - lack of sleep and travel stress. It's all good - my body it seems is the main thing. But yeah - Mom and Dad - Parents - the ultimate judges of my right or wrongness, yet mortal. Something we all have to deal with - breaks it down to dust and ashes we all return to. So sad, I don't want them to go.
 Lack of sleep punchiness, parental stress, mortality stress. And, hey this is nothing! Softball. So many folks I know going through so much worse with genuine dementia, failed marriages, kids death, etc etc.
 So suck it up and walk through it. Do good. Spend time with Dad. Maybe it'll be easier when he's less sharp and looking for conflict. But what a man.
 Salad for dinner. Willie. Then another attempt at sleep. Maybe now that it's all set it'll be easier. I did it. Put off as long as I could, but it's done. Now relax and sleep - no one is going to hurt you.
 Give up on S. Nothing to be gained, just bad stuff churned up, makes me sick at heart and sad. Neither of us have changed our opinions - too much pain inflicted, and the things we owned in common are too emotionally charged. She made good points in email, but her points mainly justify her selfishness, and avoid discussion of right or wrong, because then she'd lose. It's a woman thing - no surprise. Look for photos I kept, scan and return. She makes a good point re the value of the albums being kept whole. No win in digging up old losses. Let it go. Reseal good-bye. Period.
+++++++++++
 Wed Nov 2.11 wk
 Sleeping lousy - esp last night - after work drove to Sooz to take care of Willie, tuna, dry food and a lap he napped on after great hesitation, yowling for Sooz, but finally settling in far a spell, much to my happiness.
 Home ~9:30, medicate and John Bro's CD, turn-of-the-century popular piano ragtime-barrelhouse music - enjoyed that very much.
 But slept like shit - what can you do? Nap, toss, turn - got past a lot of the upcoming family-visit stress. Figured to treat it as a vacation - I will be 9 days away from work, in a beautiful part of the country - I could in theory spend one day driving to the old neighborhoods in Pittsburgh/high school etc? If it's a 2hr trip, why not?
 Wonder how much time I'll actually spend with M&P. Kind of scary them getting so on in years with attendant health problems. I'm hoping we can agree on a time to call twice a month or something - may be too late for that? Won't know until I know. Me the liberal atheist, they the conservative Catholics, not a lot of room for comfortable conversation.
 Anyway - in spite of my slight punchiness', feeling okay - better than the last few days - some weird depression/sadness in Bragg - the end of art commission event? Pay the $, take your chances, take the pieces, the end - I wanted more?
 Big breezes being a slight light-headed happiness.
 Long reply from S re photo albums, etc - need to print and re-read a few times to decide best way to respond. ... what's to be gained?
 I've been fine for years - then borrowing the photos was a hassle, and retuning them was hassle. So, fuck it?
 Anyway - the plans align - Saturday: laundry, pack, clean cottage, flight leaves ~7, so also have Sunday morning, if I'd rather use part of Saturday for a nice hike!
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