Fri Sep 21.18 nm
I'll know I'm ready when I stop my multi-daily check-ins here -
Thurs - InDesign morning start extra practice time?), weed Bermuda
grass by roots, small front house laundry - Mexican shirts, grubby
pants, chat w/DJ about sharing cottage repair costs -
Do more myself, library book on toilet repair, class, youtube
After no luck online, call Verizon, set up account, get
password, etc, pay current bill -
Pre dentist short nap/shower - ~4 BART SF - reading late Waugh - arrive early, done by 5:15 -
nice - two small cavities front top, fill-in/eve- out grooves in
bottom front teeth - $180 out of pocket. I like him.
Chat w/Nia EDD person this morning - call WL COBRA peeps this afternoon.
Last night on way home, crave Chinese pork wonton soup! Eating light -
pbj, humus/falafel/pita - Google - place on corner Shattuck/Alcatraz
- walk over, literally hole in wall - soup and curry chicken - yummy
soup in backyard as dark wraps around, later scarf 1/2 chicken in
bed - oh god yum!! 2nd 1/2 for morning snack at school. Chinese
takeout, oh yeah. Lunch specials.
Sleeping well - ~10:30-7:15 last night - I've been getting by and okay
with 7hrs.. but.. does that mean it's ideal, or just enough to
function in a daze? Seems 8 or more feels more healthy.
I like this time off. Enjoy it. Good for me, I've earned it. Keep busy,
but also relax and enjoy - last couple years have been rough.
Working full time in high pressure hostile environment while Gil &
Mom died, and Sooz left town (after her best friend died), etc was
not good. A beating. No self pity. But yes healing relaxation if I
happen to have it - yes.
Yes, thank you, be good today.
Thu Sep 20.18 nm
Let's try for something that might be interesting more than a week from
Grateful for the Nomad - dinner: falafel/pita/hummus from Bowl last night
- yummy and filling, no need for pudding.
Some free time needs to be spent studying software.
Got COBRA # to call from WL.
InDesign this morning - SF dentist 5pm.
Everyone is anxious, stressed - that's why we need religion, meditation,
yoga, TV, entertainment. In spite of blows I've taken lately, I am
still okay, much to be grateful for - glass half-full, yes. Remove
romance, it was always a shield.
Online sales is not going to be the answer to $$ issues ha-ha.
Do EDD online this afternoon - on phone if necessary. Is there a brick and
mortar location? Did not se it online - but there must be! I'll be
okay. I will be okay. All things remaining equal - haha - I'll be
Sitting at the Nomad, late summer, well-rested and fed - headed to class
in my car, from rent-controlled cottage around corner shared with
good people, friends/extended family. Healthy. 4 months till
Pay CPA $200 to help with taxes.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Peets bk 1pm
Good class - chatted with unemployment Case Manager Nia - make an appt for
next week or tomorrow to discuss all options - training, etc.
Now - home - small laundry in front house(?) - nap - lv for dentist ~4.
Wed Sep 19 II hm 6:30pm
"Many of those who helped me survive the explosion are people who have
been through great difficulties in their lives: addiction,
bankruptcy, the loss of dear friends or family, or big mistakes and
Oh, well - despite the source - it's good to kind be validated that some
of what I've been through counts as rough, and healing is necessary.
Yet I am going to school and taking care of my own carcass best I
know how, trying to keep good attitude and enjoy life.
Talked to ACA lady and looked at site - my resources too good - not only
pay to date, but $6K from FB, and $$ from Mom etc. We figured COBRA
is best - Oct-Feb, 5 months $800, $4K - owch - then Medicare.
Severance will help with that & rent.
Using up remaining tooth $$, back tomorrow for fillings/reinforcement,
~$180 out-of-pocket. He said maybe in future we could do same lower
rates for 6mos cleaning visit.
Emailed WL about COBRA - unemployment next.
Oh - just re-arranged bathroom cabinet and kitchen cupboards: cleared out
pot stuff, through away some, distributed other: V & condoms in
bathroom, extra soap/floss etc in kitchen, pot stuff in orange
ceramic container on top shelf. 70s is over. 2mos no pot.. wonder
how it would feel now?
Next - after dentist, is unemployment and job agencies - what if they
offer me jobs, temp, part-time, low pay - do it! show you are
willing! Explain importance of school! Have integrity. I will be
okay. I can do this. I am doing this. I was freaked out / paralyzed
/ afraid at first - that's normal! Now I am doing what needs to be
done, with a little help from my friends; and no illusion that
there's anyone who can save me but myself. Win! It's win time.
Wed Sep 19.18 nm
Tues: Fertilized/turned-over front yard veggie bed,
called/emailed DJ-recommended healthcare person Wendy Mc -
got some good info about Medicare/ACA, arranged 3pm call today.
Drove Tom from Kaiser after colonoscopy - scenic route
through hills to his place on steep Marin. Pick-up place was where
we moved poor suffering Gil through cold, gusty rain storm to
parking garage that bad day - he just wanted to be home. Solano
place for burrito, tamarind aqua - yummy! Sooz call
~7pm - I was cranky, so was she - difficult tech stuff - try
Skype on work laptop next time? SF dentist @noon.
Sleep ~10-7, slept well.. gentle wake-up. I may be moving past initial
panic that there is something - many things I need to be doing to
get new full-time job similar to Bain - but more likely I am making
a major life-shift to Social Security 'retirement', Medicare,
part-time contract work - survival. Illusion of regular paycheck
removed - here I stand, more naked than before. But no - there,
there's not some things I ought to be doing - like taking any
crap-paying job in Palo Alto - I have to look clearly at options.
This is the new thing. We do not have much control.
I'm adjusting - after 20years at evolving, interesting, challenging job,
that was loose enough for my right-brain creative type, but over
last years tightened up and SF team was not a good fit. Sigh. It was
good while it lasted - I was very fortunate to have it.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Home to eat, shower, dentist, back for 3pm call. Paperwork, phone bill to
pay, more EDD info to collect. After today's HC call, talk to WL
peeps about COBRA, if I decided to do ACA instead. Organize papers.
I don't know when my mind was last this clear - still goofy, and lacking
schedule - but stress of last year or two - deaths, overworked
burn-out, then new arangemtnest/admin, no dept head then new one
A lifetime of pleasure enjoying her beautiful ass. Yes, thank you.
Tue Sep 18.18 nm
Mon after class not much juice, weeded/whacked near storage shed -
chat w/Buff, who tripped/fell on concrete slab, nearly brained
hisself but was wearing bike helmet - that's scary! Just sat w/face
in laptop for hours - bed early..
Get things done - nothing like getting things done to help w/sleep etc.
Read Damn Good Resume - work on that - decisions about what to put
Apply online for unemployment. Find unemployment office, see what
resources they offer - classes? Get dates straight - what was
last day with WL?
AARP tax support? Start organizing all that stuff - it will get
InDesign class now - then drive Tom home from hospital ~3:30.
InDesign beginning stuff - but fun program.
Gas Suzie in Univ - $50 - assholes, downtown Peets mocha, look at EDD site
for info needed to apply for unemployment - no state taxes, looks
like feds maybe tale ~10%? Possible extra benefits if school
20hr/week - currently I'm doing 12; pulled stuck tomato /cucumber
cages out of front bed, now fertilize and turn over? Head to Kaiser
~3:30, drive Tom home.
Now: Call ACA lady
Collect/org info esp for unemployment, addresses etc
Dentist tomorrow noon
Matt Piucci at Nomad this morning - neighbor - talked about Gil (birthday
yesterday), Stacey etc.
2hrs to do stuff before Tom ride.
Mon Sep 17.18 nm II 2:42pm
What's really up here? Working on infrastructure / information,
multiple trajectories - suddenly - self-learning - how to have
healthcare till March when I get Medicare.
How to survive till March when I claim SS in emergency, but really try to
survive till March 2020 when I get full benefits! This all assumes
Nothing can be assumed. SO need to prep based on current circumstances,
while acknowledging emergencies can happen.
Unemployment + savings + temp work (?) for next 19 months. September
2018-March 2020. Need to be open to all opportunities. And goal is
full benefits, which you know will not be enough to live on in
expensive Bay Area.
I still, in back of mind, think next job will be like Bain.. it will not.
It will pay far less. Being at Bain does not make me high value.
$15-20 at most. Deal with it. Acknowledge and accept it. A job is
not charity, a gift - it is services for value added.
So - how do I survive? How does anyone. Hustle. Be easy to work with. Take
care of my health. No one will pay my way.
I am a college-educated white male. No whining. Well,, be easy on myself -
some whining is life allowed.
After Word class, Goodwill for 2 hats - Bowl for food - priced falafel
balls, hummus, bread pockets - also tahini, hot sauce. Try it out -
wrap falafel pockets for 3-4 days, better than PBJ. Yummy. Also look
into DJs video, $2 meals.
My head's pretty far up my ass, withdrawn, thinking/sometime overthinking
- okay, fair enough, I am giving myself this time - a few weeks - to
relax and chill - eventually I need be in Action Mode. But for now,
chill time, being used to take classes, keep an eye on what needs to
be done, tidy cottage and life in general - long as I'm not idle for
too long, this is time I deserve. There is not right action now - no
guaranteed success -
These are real things.. no fucking around. However, an occasional nice bottom is okay.
Mon Sep 17.18 nm
Email to self:
'get things done - but not rush! relax use this free time to heal all
things that need healing
love yourself as you love others and as they love you'
Sleep decent - ~9-7:30.
Maybe no more lists of to-do here - there's list on home screen - dentist,
unemployment etc - , whittling away at it - need to build next list,
combo of cottage tidy, paperwork org - need some file folders! - +
job hunt tactics: resume, govt agencies, networking, art pages,
Need to split up:
Job hunt seems kind of a mirage - a joke - since no one is going to hire
full-time a 64yr-old - but take every step, put myself out there, do
it! - show interest / self-confidence - temp agencies, who knows?
Someone might know someone who needs someone and I'm on the scene.
Be on the scene, that's the point.
Morning Word class, then afternoon cottage. Get folders, clear out file
box - I need it to be organized this next year for big life changes.
Getting out yesterday, into nature, improvising - changing trail idea to a
different trail - and leaving BBQ/music decision till I got there
was good for me. Music. Nature. Nice.
Sun Sep 16.18 hm bed 8:07
11am 1st stab at papers on side of bed: Mom $ paperwork, addresses,
job layoff stuff, taxes stuff (fb GT photo), Medicare - threw some
away, also went through file folders and some away - but a lot
should go into plastic bins beneath bed - gotta org.
Eats 2/3 of mideast salad, make almond butter/jam sandwich, apple, lv ~12?
Nicasio, give Love and Rockets to Mike/counter guy - yard books (winter
plants, rejuvenation), Jefferson's Monticello, mystical vampire
erotica - Pt Reyes Bear Valley, 1/3 salad in car, want to try
something new - Inverness Ridge, trailhead ~8mins out Limantour -
beautiful day! Sunny warm with not too bad cool wind - lovely -
great to be out, body/mind/soul loved walking in sunshine. Hilly ups
and downs, not steep as Wittenberg. Out ~1.5 miles & back? Good
workout - felt good mentally - not dwelling on fears/stress - knee
working fine on walks, bit tricky coming down steep embankment.
Stop by Rancho Nicasio - music sounded okay, so - $20 ticket, $20 salmon,
2 $10 margaritas, 2 $2 bottled waters. It was fun - music and vibe
was good - Mad Hannans were excellent! - enough people (there was a
reserved area for someone's birthday) filled up space; party and
little kids playing/dancing added to happy vibe.
Left a little early - and home easy. Good day. Cool. Back to school
tomorrow - start job hunt, other, cottage tidy, apply for
unemployment - start now preparing for complex taxes. My income will
be less, so maybe pay less taxes? Hopefully. See if AARP can help?
It's a whole new ballgame.
Sun Sep 16.18 nm
Restless last night, then irritating animals on roof, crabby now..
probably hungry, too - not enough real food yesterday.. old
can of chicken noodle soup for dinner.. meh!
How about shower, some cottage tidy, leave for Reyes or some hike ~noonish?
Fresh air exercise would be good for body & soul.
Sat Sep 15.18 nm 4:36pm
Maybe I'll know I'm settled when I stop writing here 3-4x /day.
Meantime - do what I need to do.
Meantime I'd rediscovering myself. Jumping right into class, and getting
other stuff done - like cottage, yard work, paperwork - is a good
sign. Getting away from invalidation at work has been a blessing.
That was crazy bad.
Sat Sep 15.18 cottage 10am
Tom dropped by, paid for stall/toilet - discussed more cottage work,
skylight sealant, ceiling above bed while Buff/DJ in NO, picked up
large ceramic abalone, - now? Bowl & hike? Pt Reyes? A hike would be
I'd like to have cottage tidy.. procrastinating - want to get out more..
so, get out early now.. then cottage.. priority..
So and yeah, good - good to be in touch with Tom.. yes.. asked him where
he lives.. north Berk nr Bear fountain circle..
Laundry done, bed made, cottage work paid for, shell gone, Social Security
dealt with, Morning software classes happening, severance docs
signed/sent - next - try again for Derma appt this month - or wait
and see them on ACA? Dentist Wed.
I want to feel secure here in cottage - that's how Buff/DJ see it - but
nothing is permanent - be realistic - naturally losing job makes me
doubt all things/cling - desire..
Desire causes pain - breath in the now - enjoy the moment - Be here now.
Sat 4:20pm nm
Rather than hike, yard: chop west side of sidewalk orange flower pile to
make room for car doors - clear beneath chair front of cottage,
~10small pots on sidewalk, water front/back, tiles on sidewalk, too?
Dishes. PBJ in backyard - had moment of peace. Doing all I can. Is
there anything I can be doing?
PPT book, and class now, rather than wait for class till end of Oct. Maybe
not this week.
Sun Pt Reyes, BBQ music, sure. Enjoy life. Soon it will be
Mon: Word class, ACA woman, unemployment (contact WL peeps again if not
~2 got hit w/nap stick - deep heavy! It's Saturday, I've been in
class, dealing with emotionally heavy chores (disconnecting from
job), Social Security problem, etc. job hunting coming up. I can nap
mid-afternoon all I like. Be easy on myself. I am fortunate, but
still - feel my feelings, feel my own pain.
No one can harm you.
Feel your own pain.
Thins will never really be all settled, because
Anything can happen to anyone.
It's best to be prepared.
Little phrases to calm the breathing and front brain. Breath. I am
breathing. So I am alive. Poor Gil. :-( Poor us left behind.
Fri Sep 14.18 laundry 5:30
After Word class, Social Security office downtown Oakland, parking out
front after 4x ~block - wait ~1hr with AARP magazines, lady says I'm
in the system, but she also can't get it to accept my info! Dang!
Aha - 1982 name misspelling Tosen - why does that sound familiar?
Anyway, good to have it done.
Relief I felt after - reminded me of Dad's saying 'hitting your
hand with a hammer 'cause it feels so good when you stop!' -
procrastinating, because magnified relief once task accomplished;
could have avoided years of stress. Currently I'm avoiding finding
out how much SS I'll get - I'm afraid to know -, depending on how
soon I 'retire.' Try to get on things straight away. Avoiding,
procrastinating magnifies stress..
tho.. fair enough - no one wants to face bad news - like high PSA levels,
which may prey on your mind but are not a serious statistical
danger, Gil's situation aside. Be easy on myself - but get info I
need - now's time.
Called Derma - no appts till Oct.. now what? Some place with drop-ins just
to freeze that one thing?
Free weekend - I could do Sun Nicasio BBQ - but.. meh music.. Mad
Hannah - $20 ticket, $25 food, $20 drinks, $5 tips = $70, owch, but
it is such a nice place, easy sitting, food, music. Hmp.. hike, then
concert? Could. No plans Sat except $ to Tom. What do I want
to do with free day? No-thing? Any-thing?
Cottage needs tidying - it is messy. Meditate - then - clean. A
disorganized space indicates a disorganized mind.
Fri Sep 14.18 nm
Checked in w/Tom, maybe meet up at Freight& Salvage music event Sat
to take care of shower stall $. Ask about good on skylight - do that
before winter rains!
Woke ~4am, called Social Security 800#, gave lady my info and she said
everything was fine! Okay - good - because I may need it to be fine
for unemployment, and certainly for Medicare/'retirement'. I wonder
if anyone needs basic Photoshop skills from me? Had to work through
years of low-level neglected Social Security stress after call - but
it was good news! Neglecting stuff causes stress. Like I'm not
checking to see how much SS $$ I'll get. Better to know - do it.
Might go by office today after class - drop in - talk, talk -
- make appt for blood work Mon, and Derma Tues. Yes. Do it
before the weekend.
More front yard weeding/raking -
Meditate on Photoshop job in East Bay. Ommmmmm
Thu Sep 13.18 nm
InDesign this morning, EDD job support is in same building - haha!
Downtown to PDF severance docs, send from Peets, - done! -sad
goodbye - final - but good to have it done. $1 per page! Yikes! El
Cerrito Ross casual pants hunt - 1 pair, Solano Gordo's burrito -
home, Nomad.. mostly just hanging, add address labels to car keys,
2nd set back in trunk.
Medical stuff trickier..
Mon afternoon Derma?
Tues afternoon, after 10-hr fast - Blood work, where?
Mon blood work, Tues Derma? Easier to do Word without food.
Wed noon dental in SF - rice cooker from Chinatown after? Walk up
Coit? Can I do that??
Do it early next week, yes.
Need a simple hat to protect skin. Plant aloe in yard.
Coolness is over, it is simple, non-extravagant, survival now.
Necessities. Yard sales. Free boxes. Free cycle.
Okay - now?
Set up Derma for Monday
Pant aloe in yard
Box sake cups for Parri
Wait to hear from WL about severance pay, after look into EDD.
Next week, along with classes, health appts - improve resume. Photoshop
examples. Positive quotes about training, from annual review.
Rice cooker from Amazon?
How to do Social Security? I found
birth certificate. Call the #, and/or show up/sign up some Wed
morning. Unemployment may be a problem if SS is a problem - so,
Thu Sep 13.18 nm
Slept pretty well - ~10-6:30, wank, smoothie - showered last night -
pbj/apple for lunch - InDesign @9am. I keep thinking if I get a job
I'll have to quit class - is that over optimistic? Or just
optimistic? Is this my last job; from now on it's old age,
scrimp/save, charity/food banks? Don't know. Death can come at any
time - no one knows when their time is - so don't freak about old
age. Enjoy the present much as possible. And overcome idealism -
it's down to survival now. Do what one must.
Clear decks - cups to Parri, Ross pants, email PDFs to WL - clear out
cottage junk. Simplify.
Life is good. xox
Wed Sep 12.18 nm 1:pm
Good - pat on back - slept in, doc appt 9:45, Derma ref & Blood work - no
PSA check. Make appts.
Quick check pile of papers by bed, not much of importance - at nm went
through emails, collected work info etc
Need to split between things to do vs. resources - stuff for
resume, quotes - main focus this week is to-dos, $$ for Tom, pants
from Ross, mail Parri cups, stall pics for L, just clear everything
up, passwords written down, tidying, laundry, rest - next week more
job-hunting, unemployment, city/county resources etc. Organized so I
can focus on job hunt.
Blood work, no need for appt but have to fast for 10hrs - so after
class Fri? Derma Thurs afternoon?
DJ said I can use laundry now and then. Thank you.
Okay - org info later - now, Ross, bank etc.
Napped for an hour
Bank for $500
Gelato, IM w/L
1/2 Priced Books (depressing comics books, war, crime - idiot humanity -
what's the point?) - eating helped :-)
Signed severance doc, Buff witnessed/signed - PDF tomorrow after class
Visit EDD place tomorrow after class?
Took out bins
More Bermuda grass root digging
Running around panicking will not get me a job - getting things done
methodically, and taking a break is best. More naps.
Weight 195 - I think I've lost 10lbs. :-O
Wed Sep 12.18 nm
Sleep ~10:30-8:30 with 1hr up ~5am - groggy - but well-rested.. looked for
car, not around block, thought it was across from Nomad because of
street sweeping - not there, look again - fuck - towed! $$ hassle
stress - bike to doc, walk or cancel? Remembered where it was, yes.
Phew. But groggy shit.
Nice talk w/Sooz, a lot of course about - we haven't talked for 2 weeks,
so last days at work, tacky send-off by company, lots of nice
feedback goodbyes from people I helped. It rained in Oregon -
everything seems to have settled down, house-work wise etc. She
seems good. Happy to have Judd around.
Today is day off.. but Ross for casual pants, sign severance forms,
look at Social Security & EDD online, rice cooker, microwave. Organize pile of papers by bed
and any work related info in emails. Maybe type it up and print at
Kinko's? I like having physical list.
Today is my day off - take it one step at a time.
Oh haha - there a POV vid of Asian woman with D I like - searched for more
online, found shower, sitting on glass etc - downloaded - so time
well-spent hohoho. It's okay - do not need to job hunt 24/7 - I
deserve and need this brief break after 20years. Yes. Take it easy
on myself. Job hunting need not be punishment. Look through damn
good resume. Work on LinkedIn.
Tues Sep 11.18 nm 1:15pm
Got into Tues-Thurs am InDesign - couple of minor things I didn't know,
must mostly fine. Very beginning class. Keeps me on computers,
cloud, MACs etc.
Free time now - dig through emails, collect all to-dos/info.
Send in WL Severance PDFs, look into unemployment & social security
glitch. Start cottage tidy? Small rice cooker & microwave?
Classes 4 mornings/week - plenty of free time for healing
Doc appt tomorrow for skin referral - call/add physical/blood work? Wed
free except for doc appt. Nice. Sleep in.
Tom/stall/toilet $360 - see if Buff wants to toss in $100?
Now I can relax, next class in 2 days.
Sweaty nights - laundry again, or is that obsessive?
Ross Wed for casual pants.
Or I can take the rest of the day off and do fuck all.
How about Wed.
Doc ref for derma
AARP job hunt
Ross for pants
Printer for to-do address lists? They're so big!! Noo - prob not, but
Social Security online.
Mon Sep 10.18 nm
Word class 9:30-12:00.. a lot I know - bullets, tables - , but
starting from ground up is valuable!
Bank - add tax account w/$20K. Kinkos - print PDFs to
sign for WL severance.
Home: dental appt next Wed; Doc appt for skin
referral this Wed; Social Security on hold for ~1.25hr
- pbj & chop/saw more of sidewalk ugly bush, give up on call.
Plan in signing up for Tues-Thurs 9-12:00 InDesign class tomorrow.
4 days/week morning classes? Going through Sep-Oct!? That's a lot of
time out of job-hunt - if I get a job, or temp work, then I can't
finish.. so - also do PPT training of some sort elsewhere or online
Feel I ought to jump on it - opportunity. Keep busy. Learning. Networking.
Groceries tonight. I need more casual slacks - current dockers are trashy.
And casual shoes?
Ruthie Foster Nicasio Sept 23.
Call ACA lady - don't rush into COBRA.
Other health stuff in Sep while I still have Blue Cross? Glasses?
Mostly skin, teeth.. what about a physical? Ask on Wed?
Mon Sep 10.18 nm
Word @9:30 - goes through Nov 2 - 2 months of classes etc? .. could be..
what if I get temp work 1st? Self training with book?
After class, print PDFs from WL for severance. Get dentist/doc #s/make
appts. Also Social Security, make appt to see what's up?
Start collecting those #s, esp those Buff/DJ sent me. work them.
Might help to have a desk - find small one, replace bookshelf?
Yes, thank you, be good today. Really helped to talk about fears/anxiety
Sun Sep 9.18 yard 7:20pm
Good San Pablo Pho w/Stacey, good talk, mentioned my - I don't even
remember how I phrased it - but my current fears, dread of future,
etc - talked about fears/anxieties we have in common, how most
everyone has same, keep ourselves distracted with pop culture, work
etc. How knowing other people have it worse doesn't help. etc. All
After I felt much better - important to talk this stuff out with close
friends, not hold it in, play strong. Invited me over for dinner TV.
Sounds good. Talked about all our personal stuff, my recent contact
Solano Stroll - not much, but okay 'people watching' - been a long
time - 10yrs+? Chocolate flan not as good when alone, Peet's
espresso, sushi bento 1/2 way down. Stopped in at Robbie's -
welcomed me in, then a friend - chatted ~1hr - left with 35min to
get to Bowl - drive 6:35-6:50 - made it on the button: burrito for
tomorrow's morning class, pudding, bread for PBJs,
Visiting Stacey & Robbie helped. Socializing, contacts.
Work on list tonight or at nm tomorrow am. Must be done.
Sun Sep 9.18 nm
Utilize blog for survival - help organize - remind myself how amazing life
is. Yet some part of me is glad not to be going to work.
Sat 6hr InDesign - learned some, a lot looked familiar, like
Quark - good to activate mind, get in learning mode. After, Peets
mocha slushy, IMs w/K, chop front orange flower pile, chat w/Buff,
drive DJ to Freight, front house shower, Youtube rollercoasters,
sleep ~10 - up 7, stay in bed till 9. Extra bed-time seems to be
helping, get back into my body and mind?
Following Youtube algorithms closes my mind. Very narrow amusement. Do
more. Volunteer at Shotgun players for free shows.
Today lunch with Stacey, Solano Stroll - afternoon plan for
Office class 9:30-12:30 - eat breakfast, bring lunch.
Make Dentist appt
Make Doc Fitzer fast appt for for skin care referral
Social Security to find out what the problem is - find birth
WL Docs on thumb drive to print, sign, witness,
PDF, send back
Look at more classes - join InDesign?
Look into county EDD, more classes?
Collect stuff Buff/DJ sent: ACA, AARP job hunt advice
More stuff to LinkedIn. Viral photoshop etc. Enjoy these free
mornings. It's beautiful.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Be here now. Breath.
Backup laptop - include list of apps, in case this laptop breaks or
I may be unemployed for months. Utilize this time to learn,
prepare, and also enjoy. Cheaper car? Give back to Sooz?
Make will - AARP.
List on dry/erase.
Keep busy. Be as social as possible. See if Tom wants to go see Ruthie
Foster? Can't hurt to ask.
Sat Sep 8.18 nm
Dreamed about Pittsburgh house, next door lot was empty, but been
improved, dream of paradise, living at home, cared for, fed - there
was a horse and 2 riders plastic toy, put together amusingly, I
rearranged was was putting it back as it was when alarm went off.
InDesgn all day intro today - 9am - leave ~8:30?
Gil was dying for heaven's sake, he strove, fought to live as long as
possible and enjoy his last years, did not give up. Thinking about
distant future is not good.
Get Social Security fixed up. Make list for next week, after
morning class. Get new dental & Derma appt. Call
ACA lady. Print sign PDF severance docs.
I keep thinking how fucked I am, how fucked we all are, working class in
the US - and as human beings - no hope, no hope. Good - accept that.
Don't be - as Mom called them - a Dreamer. Get real, and struggle to
survive. Life is a struggle to survive. Whiners die. what about the
co-op where Karen lived - openings?
One large BM every other day - change in diet, plus stress. Meditate man -
and weights, and yard work. Easier once bathroom is done I hope? Get
cottage cleaned out/organized. Need a clean organized living space.
But - don't wait for that - I can meditate any time.
It will help keep me from freaking out I think.
I used to almost daily remind myself of all things to be grateful for -
health, friends, yard and cottage, family, nature, bike, art, library,
network, dare I say being as K says college-educated white male?, my
creative mind - and so much more if I just keep looking up.
Fri Sep 7.18 backyard 7:14pm
Wed pm dropped laptop, killed screen - augh! Work-related stuff on
laptop. (back it up! and phone!) Slept badly, stressed..
anxiety hurt cognition.. phone to look for repair places.. work
laptop meantime; need to return it. Bad karma to keep. Also, I think
I can get office on this laptop really cheap.
Thu locksmith, 2nd car clicker; while there got call from WL,
failed ppt test - relief to have that settled! Not getting
intense Menlo Park BoA 2hr commute is good - I would not have
last 6 months. But - I did try, I learned how weak my skills
are - so prioritizing training. DJ mentioned Berk Adult, also gave
ACA contact. ~1pm drop laptop at Computer Repair (from Shattuck).
Got info for Berk Adult school - San Pablo north of Univ.
Signed up for 2 classes: MS Office Mon&Fri, and InDesign
workshop all-day Sat. Maybe sign up for more.
Today did first Word class 9:30-12:30, easy'ish, good to start from
beginning in organized fashion. I feel how my brain is slow to
absorb - part of me still wants same job, routine - of course, after
20yrs - give myself time, be easy on myself, to learn new
ways. I can do this. I am not stupid - last year has been
rough on heart and ego. I'll get over it. Human beings heal.
Tom almost done w/shower stall - one more layer on tiles. 3 day job
became 9-day. Cool - but make note.
Talked to WL lady, forms to print, sign, PDF and send back -
Severance is one payment - $10K - doesn't sound like that much on context
one payment, so I can apply for unemployment. May not be much. Might pay
rent and some food.
I keep healthcare in Sep - so renew dentist appt, get
face skin appt from Fitzer - some freezing to be done.
Look into ACA.
All this is good - no more waiting.
Today I thought, class is good because it's focused on starting
something new, not focused on something old ending.
Long'ish chat w/* about worries, worried about me - got me to open up
about it - my fears. We need to talk about that, too - not only good
stuff. That helped, to open up about it, instead of holding in, to
not bother people or look weak. I am grateful for someone who cares
Groceries.. sushi box for dinner, burrito for InDesign day.
Life is like a box of chocolates, never know what you're going to get.
Even a broken heart.
Solano Stroll Sun.. John Henry's birthday
later this month. Do not miss that.
Key clicker, laptop fix, Menlo Prk job no, severance, ACA, HC for
Sep, Word/Excel/PPT class, InDesign, shower stall, yard work, start
job hunt part-time, etc. Survive.
Wed Sep 5.18 nm 4:30
Called Berk Adult School - downtown, look into parking - girl on
phone said fine to come in Fri am - there's room, books in
Key copy place on University - remote clicker - while there,
got call saying I did not get Menlo Park job - thank God -
failed PPT test, I said no surprise, I was shocked by difficult
it was, me being all focused on Bain-tools, and I'd signed up for
classes that morning - she said they'd keep looking for
another location, told WL guy. Call/ text him Thurs about
Tom at cottage working on stall. Cottage a mess - that
doesn't help focus mind, for job hunt, personal healing, rest.
Downtown for falafel, but parked nr Mexican place on side St.
Stacey likes, prawns lunch - $20, will get a 2nd leftovers meal.
Library for new card. 1/2 Priced books,
Bank for $100 quarters.
Good to have Menlo Park thing resolved - 2hr commute was a
deal-killer - no way that could go one for a year. I felt relief.
Funny. But I did try! And I learned. And am taking appropriate
Good - way cleared for more R&R, start into job-hunt.
Continue to give myself time and be kind to myself, enjoy this free
time. Meditate. Use weights. Get audio for weight /mediation
on phone or laptop. Phone timer. Floor pillow. Relaxation mediation
will be good for me. Also stretching.
Yes! So much to be grateful for. May be past initial kick in
stomach, and being treated like garbage by work.
Wed Sep 5.18 nm
Sleep ~9 - 1 hr up ~3-4 - out of bed ~8. Continue to stay in bed till I'm
Tues SRosa~11am -easy drive - for Mex lunch w/Eric - use his shower
first, ahh nice - Tom working on shower stall - caulking today (?)
delays are troublesome, but in circumstances, he is doing us a
favor, okay - Sebastopol for antique stores, see giant chair - stop:
artsy space for smoothies, small pre-fab mini-'shops'. Cool find.
Visit downtown to see if record store still there - nope.
Anxiety back to normal life level - not far from before news, feeling I
ought to be doing something to prepare for future..
Sat-Tue 4 days of conscious chill, expecting call today or
tomorrow from WL recruiter about Menlo Pk job, if not, reach out and
start COBRA & severance.
Today, new car key with remote, & new battery - start collecting
job-hunting info in one place - small steps. Contact Adult School to
see about starting MS Office class Fri morning, after missing
1st 2 classes. Maybe no room. Be prepared. Visit site?
This is nice having days off. Reach out more, be social hen opportunity
Mom put things off to end - what am putting off? Music?
Travel? Spend a week in Oregon? Bragg? Can I do it for $1K. Dare I? Dare.
Karen said: Go easy on yourself.
Anything I want to do with this free time is okay. Take care of myself.
Mon Sep 3.18 nm
Forced myself to stay in bed till almost 9.. in and out of dreams -
Tom dream: you have to be nicer to me - flipped a plane ticket away
from my hand, walked away disappeared leaving me lost..
Just - nothing - yes - new reality is dealing with reality of
aging, lack of 'retirement', loss of independence, etc.. several
days of 'nothing', then full-time survival - 3 months of severance
(if I get it), then what unemployment till march, then somehow
survive till 65 for full Social Security - all this presumes
affordable rent cottage situation stays intact..
Face-to-face with uncertainty, I assume one adjusts - sigh.. it's
up to me..
Eat.. I need to eat now..
Leave for Nicasio ~2, dinner there - 2 drinks? Enjoy. Breath. Count
blessings. Focus on positive.
Sun Sep 2.18 7:13pm
After Nomad, talk w/Nan ~8:35-noon(?) - several hours, (before and
after Tom working on stall) - our jobs, my unemployment/plans, Scott
& his relationships w/women, then into out past relationship as
artist/ model, peoples' negative reaction to sexuality in our
photos, non-sexual intimacy, the pregnancy shots, I like being
worshipped, etc.. dug deep into latter, I think because we cherish/ed
A little stress in stomach, I think from my unrequited desire for
next step which will never come; sent her my description of Gil's
last day. Salad lunch, Tom takes break, NBerk burrito - note expense
- let it go these few days - start making food at home. Tilden back
parking, down through Farm, visitor center, wooden trail to lake -
so tired when I got there! Did not know - laid on bench and deep
slept on-and-off - up ~4, back through side trails - in a daze -
bad air from Oregon fires! Beautiful buck crossing trail, and
bunny. PEETs for espresso and pumpkin bread. Bowl for chocolate
drinks, salad, dried figs, apples. $20. Keep track of food expenses?
By category. Use Excel.
1/2 burrito dinner - now low energy - sure - continue to chill,
avoid stressful thinking. Relax. A few days of chill is good for me,
and I need it - Tuesday visit Eric. Then free days for longs lists
of things to do.
Sun Sep 2.18 nm
Slept decent - sweaty - good to have laundry/groceries done - up
~7:30 - smoothie, Nomad - call Nan ~8:30
Woke up feeling okay, but also crying - so okay - feel my
feelings, I can be happy and well, and still need to cry - everyone
does - Dad said, that's why we watch sad movies, to let out the
tears. Dad was wise in many ways. Yes. And Mom. Adults who'd
survived hard hard times - death of sibs in war, dire poverty,
alcoholism, watching family members collapse and fail - they saw
necessity of strong core strength, went to Catholic church. Okay.
We'll see. Look into it if I want - there's good stuff there.
No plans today - call Nan - yard work? Eat? Rice cooker. Nap. Rest.
Eat good food.
Home now to call Nan - is that why I cried this morning?
Sat Sep 1.18 laundry
Feel good - life is scary/uncertain, but I have ideas, steps to
take, a path forward, support of family, friends, ex-co-workers...
positive comments from co-workers in last 2 days meant so much,
soulful goodbyes with Rob and Randy, we are mates motherfucker -
made a huge difference to counterbalance corporate heartlessness.
Tom helping with cottage, Buff/DJ had me in for cheese prosciutto
snack, Buff again mentioned living situation being something they
want to keep together, DJ sent Berk Adult school list - MS Office,
and InDesign! Wow - can I live on severance and take classes while
also putting myself out there?
Taking classes while on severance sounds great!
Buff/DJ said getting refurbished laptops with office SW can save
100s. My friend praying to the goddess that someone else gets Menlo
Park BoA job. Wrong situation. Look at ACA.
Today.. chill, free fall, no plans more than an hour in
advance - think about food - Nomad till ~10, Bowl for burrito bowl,
eat at Tilden Carousel/check it out, ride mini-train - 1mins of $3
silly adult fun - perfect sunny cool day - Peets for mocha slushy,
Mexican place for chicken/rice/beans plate - a bit light on chicken
and beans! Back to car - law writing a ticket, I ran/hobbled up in
my broken Birkenstocks - "I'm coming! Am I too late??" "No. You're
not tool ate." "Thank you! Appreciate it."
Backed up Aug blog - start fresh, no focusing on past, difficult 6
weeks, move forward - that's correct and only direction. Up my
training/skills - hone resume, organize resources, network, resume,
take time for myself - rest/refresh. Like job search/classes 1/2
time job, 1/2 enjoy this break.
A few more days of nothing - but even so, I'm getting stuff done,
thinning about how to feed myself, getting cottage, groceries,
laundry together - music BBQ Mon, visit Eric Tues.
Call with Nan Sun am. Nothing to be embarrassed about - pride
will kill me - times like this, you cut through crap, see where gold
List later, but roughly:
List all stuff from emails
Contact peeps who offered me references - ask if it's okay
to give out their email address to potential employers, or better
they write something up? Even connected to Taf & Jeff - which just
goes to show, you don't have to want to be friends with someone one,
might even find them irritable, to say yeah, they're good workers,
help them out in a hard spot - you don't undercut people in trouble.
Of course; and I'm not too proud to ask for help, which says
something good about me. Culi and I were cutting up at the end, and
I wishing him good luck, and don't let them burn you out! I got a
little class anyway motherfucker.
Shower stall is looking good. Small fridge is a problem.. but..
hmp. Deal with it.
Okay - a new day dawning. I'm still a bit of a mess - give myself a
few more days. Pray for severance.
The people I cared about most.. Rocker Peter and John R chat buddy
were most upset, wrenching really - they were closest to friends.
TSG Christina was more upset than I'd expected - but she knows,
emotional as I am, I work hard, always was there for them. Isidro
and I - we always made eye contact - hugs goodbye. And a few
consultants, ACs, Managers..
Sat Sep 1.2018 nm
Fri Nomad ~4 - then hang in bed, too weary for shower.. half
work sandwich for 'dinner' - youtube, Excalibur clips -
rollercoasters - sleep ~10?
Wake ~8am.. so wow - have not had a good night's sleep since
July announcement - 3-4hrs or more but not restful - ~10hours
last night and woke feeling mentally rested - best digestive
activity in a while, too..
Good to be away from work atmosphere - tensions - coming end -
keeping it secret while waiting for them to announce -
no control - they said mid-Aug - but waited till last minute,
buried it in dense email - glad I took back some control, not
unprofessionally - sent goodbye early, along w/CORE waterworks slide
- more time for people to come say goodbye, give thanks - some very
high praise, for both training and support, tho my mind was in such
a lather I've barely retained it -
All this in wake of Mom's death.. that made it harder, yes -
my cognition was not 100% - relentless pressure to learn new job,
new admin, new training skills, jettison past tasks as worthless,
give 200% - yep - overwhelmed -
Collected a bunch of LinkedIn connections, and a few good
recommendations - I have disorganized collection of stuff to do
next, but taking this 4-day weekend, let go, freefall, sleep, this
is my time... no need to do anything job-related, or worry about it
- one needs to take care of oneself~ if I can, I should..
Fact that I slept well for 1st time in 6 weeks, slept solid 10hrs
means this is necessary - good for me - I will job hunt
better if I'm not exhausted, and can think clearly -
Tom working on stall today, so no napping.. maybe Tilden stroll?
Thinking one hour here at Nomad, then get out and away from
Look into Dell laptop with Office apps.
Now.. 10am - Tilden? Bring food.