New Time

 Fri Sep 21.18 nm
 I'll know I'm ready when I stop my multi-daily check-ins here -
 Thurs - InDesign morning start extra practice time?), weed Bermuda grass by roots, small front house laundry - Mexican shirts, grubby pants, chat w/DJ about sharing cottage repair costs -
 Do more myself, library book on toilet repair, class, youtube
 After no luck online, call Verizon, set up account, get password, etc, pay current bill -
 Pre dentist short nap/shower - ~4 BART SF - reading late Waugh - arrive early, done by 5:15 - nice - two small cavities front top, fill-in/eve- out grooves in bottom front teeth - $180 out of pocket. I like him.
 Chat w/Nia EDD person this morning - call WL COBRA peeps this afternoon.
 Last night on way home, crave Chinese pork wonton soup! Eating light - pbj, humus/falafel/pita - Google - place on corner Shattuck/Alcatraz - walk over, literally hole in wall - soup and curry chicken - yummy soup in backyard as dark wraps around, later scarf 1/2 chicken in bed - oh god yum!! 2nd 1/2 for morning snack at school. Chinese takeout, oh yeah. Lunch specials.
 Sleeping well - ~10:30-7:15 last night - I've been getting by and okay with 7hrs.. but.. does that mean it's ideal, or just enough to function in a daze? Seems 8 or more feels more healthy.
 I like this time off. Enjoy it. Good for me, I've earned it. Keep busy, but also relax and enjoy - last couple years have been rough. Working full time in high pressure hostile environment while Gil & Mom died, and Sooz left town (after her best friend died), etc was not good. A beating. No self pity. But yes healing relaxation if I happen to have it - yes.
 Yes, thank you, be good today.
 Thu Sep 20.18 nm
 Let's try for something that might be interesting more than a week from now
 Grateful for the Nomad - dinner: falafel/pita/hummus from Bowl last night - yummy and filling, no need for pudding.
 Some free time needs to be spent studying software.
 Got COBRA # to call from WL.
 InDesign this morning - SF dentist 5pm.
 Everyone is anxious, stressed - that's why we need religion, meditation, yoga, TV, entertainment. In spite of blows I've taken lately, I am still okay, much to be grateful for - glass half-full, yes. Remove romance, it was always a shield.
 Online sales is not going to be the answer to $$ issues ha-ha.
 Do EDD online this afternoon - on phone if necessary. Is there a brick and mortar location? Did not se it online - but there must be! I'll be okay. I will be okay. All things remaining equal - haha - I'll be okay.
 Sitting at the Nomad, late summer, well-rested and fed - headed to class in my car, from rent-controlled cottage around corner shared with good people, friends/extended family. Healthy. 4 months till Medicare.
 Pay CPA $200 to help with taxes.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Peets bk 1pm
 Good class - chatted with unemployment Case Manager Nia - make an appt for next week or tomorrow to discuss all options - training, etc.
 Now - home - small laundry in front house(?) - nap - lv for dentist ~4.
 Wed Sep 19 II hm 6:30pm
 "Many of those who helped me survive the explosion are people who have been through great difficulties in their lives: addiction, bankruptcy, the loss of dear friends or family, or big mistakes and public humiliation."
 Jian Ghomeshi
 Oh, well - despite the source - it's good to kind be validated that some of what I've been through counts as rough, and healing is necessary. Yet I am going to school and taking care of my own carcass best I know how, trying to keep good attitude and enjoy life.
 Talked to ACA lady and looked at site - my resources too good - not only pay to date, but $6K from FB, and $$ from Mom etc. We figured COBRA is best - Oct-Feb, 5 months $800, $4K - owch - then Medicare. Severance will help with that & rent.
 Using up remaining tooth $$, back tomorrow for fillings/reinforcement, ~$180 out-of-pocket. He said maybe in future we could do same lower rates for 6mos cleaning visit.
 Emailed WL about COBRA - unemployment next.
 Oh - just re-arranged bathroom cabinet and kitchen cupboards: cleared out pot stuff, through away some, distributed other: V & condoms in bathroom, extra soap/floss etc in kitchen, pot stuff in orange ceramic container on top shelf. 70s is over. 2mos no pot.. wonder how it would feel now?
 Next - after dentist, is unemployment and job agencies - what if they offer me jobs, temp, part-time, low pay - do it! show you are willing! Explain importance of school! Have integrity. I will be okay. I can do this. I am doing this. I was freaked out / paralyzed / afraid at first - that's normal! Now I am doing what needs to be done, with a little help from my friends; and no illusion that there's anyone who can save me but myself. Win! It's win time.
 Wed Sep 19.18 nm
 Tues: Fertilized/turned-over front yard veggie bed, called/emailed DJ-recommended healthcare person Wendy Mc - got some good info about Medicare/ACA, arranged 3pm call today. Drove Tom from Kaiser after colonoscopy - scenic route through hills to his place on steep Marin. Pick-up place was where we moved poor suffering Gil through cold, gusty rain storm to parking garage that bad day - he just wanted to be home. Solano place for burrito, tamarind aqua - yummy! Sooz call ~7pm - I was cranky, so was she - difficult tech stuff - try Skype on work laptop next time? SF dentist @noon.
 Sleep ~10-7, slept well.. gentle wake-up. I may be moving past initial panic that there is something - many things I need to be doing to get new full-time job similar to Bain - but more likely I am making a major life-shift to Social Security 'retirement', Medicare,  part-time contract work - survival. Illusion of regular paycheck removed - here I stand, more naked than before. But no - there, there's not some things I ought to be doing - like taking any crap-paying job in Palo Alto - I have to look clearly at options. This is the new thing. We do not have much control.
 I'm adjusting - after 20years at evolving, interesting, challenging job, that was loose enough for my right-brain creative type, but over last years tightened up and SF team was not a good fit. Sigh. It was good while it lasted - I was very fortunate to have it.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Home to eat, shower, dentist, back for 3pm call. Paperwork, phone bill to pay, more EDD info to collect. After today's HC call, talk to WL peeps about COBRA, if I decided to do ACA instead. Organize papers.
 I don't know when my mind was last this clear - still goofy, and lacking schedule - but stress of last year or two - deaths, overworked burn-out, then new arangemtnest/admin, no dept head then new one
 A lifetime of pleasure enjoying her beautiful ass. Yes, thank you.

 Tue Sep 18.18 nm
 Mon after class not much juice, weeded/whacked near storage shed - chat w/Buff, who tripped/fell on concrete slab, nearly brained hisself but was wearing bike helmet - that's scary! Just sat w/face in laptop for hours - bed early..
 Get things done - nothing like getting things done to help w/sleep etc. Read Damn Good Resume - work on that - decisions about what to put on LinkedIn.
 Apply online for unemployment. Find unemployment office, see what resources they offer - classes?  Get dates straight - what was last day with WL?
 AARP tax support? Start organizing all that stuff - it will get complicated.
 InDesign class now - then drive Tom home from hospital ~3:30.
 InDesign beginning stuff - but fun program.
 Gas Suzie in Univ - $50 - assholes, downtown Peets mocha, look at EDD site for info needed to apply for unemployment - no state taxes, looks like feds maybe tale ~10%? Possible extra benefits if school 20hr/week - currently I'm doing 12; pulled stuck tomato /cucumber cages out of front bed, now fertilize and turn over? Head to Kaiser ~3:30, drive Tom home.
 Now: Call ACA lady
 Collect/org info esp for unemployment, addresses etc
 Dentist tomorrow noon
 Matt Piucci at Nomad this morning - neighbor - talked about Gil (birthday yesterday), Stacey etc.
 2hrs to do stuff before Tom ride.
 Mon Sep 17.18 nm II 2:42pm
 What's really up here? Working on infrastructure / information, multiple trajectories - suddenly - self-learning - how to have healthcare till March when I get Medicare.
 How to survive till March when I claim SS in emergency, but really try to survive till March 2020 when I get full benefits! This all assumes Cottage stays.
 Nothing can be assumed. SO need to prep based on current circumstances, while acknowledging emergencies can happen.
 Multiple trajectories.
 Unemployment + savings + temp work (?) for next 19 months. September 2018-March 2020. Need to be open to all opportunities. And goal is full benefits, which you know will not be enough to live on in expensive Bay Area.
 Survival mode.
 I still, in back of mind, think next job will be like Bain.. it will not. It will pay far less. Being at Bain does not make me high value. $15-20 at most. Deal with it. Acknowledge and accept it. A job is not charity, a gift - it is services for value added.
 So - how do I survive? How does anyone. Hustle. Be easy to work with. Take care of my health. No one will pay my way.
 I am a college-educated white male. No whining. Well,, be easy on myself - some whining is life allowed.
 After Word class, Goodwill for 2 hats - Bowl for food - priced falafel balls, hummus, bread pockets - also tahini, hot sauce. Try it out - wrap falafel pockets for 3-4 days, better than PBJ. Yummy. Also look into DJs video, $2 meals.
 My head's pretty far up my ass, withdrawn, thinking/sometime overthinking - okay, fair enough, I am giving myself this time - a few weeks - to relax and chill - eventually I need be in Action Mode. But for now, chill time, being used to take classes, keep an eye on what needs to be done, tidy cottage and life in general - long as I'm not idle for too long, this is time I deserve. There is not right action now - no guaranteed success -
  These are real things.. no fucking around. However, an occasional nice bottom is okay.

 Mon Sep 17.18 nm
 Email to self:
 'get things done - but not rush! relax use this free time to heal all things that need healing
 love yourself as you love others and as they love you'
 Sleep decent - ~9-7:30.
 Maybe no more lists of to-do here - there's list on home screen - dentist, unemployment etc - , whittling away at it - need to build next list, combo of cottage tidy, paperwork org - need some file folders! - + job hunt tactics: resume, govt agencies, networking, art pages, LinkedIn posts,
 Need to split up:
 Job Hunt
 2018 taxes
 Job hunt seems kind of a mirage - a joke - since no one is going to hire full-time a 64yr-old - but take every step, put myself out there, do it! - show interest / self-confidence - temp agencies, who knows? Someone might know someone who needs someone and I'm on the scene. Be on the scene, that's the point.
 Morning Word class, then afternoon cottage. Get folders, clear out file box - I need it to be organized this next year for big life changes.
 Getting out yesterday, into nature, improvising - changing trail idea to a different trail - and leaving BBQ/music decision till I got there was good for me. Music. Nature. Nice.
 Sun Sep 16.18 hm bed 8:07
 11am 1st stab at papers on side of bed:  Mom $ paperwork, addresses, job layoff stuff, taxes stuff (fb GT photo), Medicare - threw some away, also went through file folders and some away - but a lot should go into plastic bins beneath bed - gotta org.
 Eats 2/3 of mideast salad, make almond butter/jam sandwich, apple, lv ~12? Dunno -
 Nicasio, give Love and Rockets to Mike/counter guy - yard books (winter plants, rejuvenation), Jefferson's Monticello, mystical vampire erotica - Pt Reyes Bear Valley, 1/3 salad in car, want to try something new - Inverness Ridge, trailhead ~8mins out Limantour - beautiful day! Sunny warm with not too bad cool wind - lovely - great to be out, body/mind/soul loved walking in sunshine. Hilly ups and downs, not steep as Wittenberg. Out ~1.5 miles & back? Good workout - felt good mentally - not dwelling on fears/stress - knee working fine on walks, bit tricky coming down steep embankment.
 Stop by Rancho Nicasio - music sounded okay, so - $20 ticket, $20 salmon, 2 $10 margaritas, 2 $2 bottled waters. It was fun - music and vibe was good - Mad Hannans were excellent! - enough people (there was a reserved area for someone's birthday) filled up space; party and little kids playing/dancing added to happy vibe.
 Left a little early - and home easy. Good day. Cool. Back to school tomorrow - start job hunt, other, cottage tidy, apply for unemployment - start now preparing for complex taxes. My income will be less, so maybe pay less taxes? Hopefully. See if AARP can help?
 It's a whole new ballgame.
 Sun Sep 16.18 nm
 Restless last night, then irritating animals on roof, crabby now.. probably hungry, too - not enough real food yesterday.. old can of chicken noodle soup for dinner.. meh!
 How about shower, some cottage tidy, leave for Reyes or some hike ~noonish? Fresh air exercise would be good for body & soul.
 Sat Sep 15.18 nm 4:36pm
 Maybe I'll know I'm settled when I stop writing here 3-4x /day.
 Meantime - do what I need to do.
 Meantime I'd rediscovering myself. Jumping right into class, and getting other stuff done - like cottage, yard work, paperwork - is a good sign. Getting away from invalidation at work has been a blessing. That was crazy bad.
 Sat Sep 15.18 cottage 10am
 Tom dropped by, paid for stall/toilet - discussed more cottage work, skylight sealant, ceiling above bed while Buff/DJ in NO, picked up large ceramic abalone, - now? Bowl & hike? Pt Reyes? A hike would be nice.. hungry..
 I'd like to have cottage tidy.. procrastinating - want to get out more.. so, get out early now.. then cottage.. priority..
 So and yeah, good - good to be in touch with Tom.. yes.. asked him where he lives.. north Berk nr Bear fountain circle..
 Laundry done, bed made, cottage work paid for, shell gone, Social Security dealt with, Morning software classes happening, severance docs signed/sent - next - try again for Derma appt this month - or wait and see them on ACA? Dentist Wed.
 I want to feel secure here in cottage - that's how Buff/DJ see it - but nothing is permanent - be realistic - naturally losing job makes me doubt all things/cling - desire..
 Desire causes pain - breath in the now - enjoy the moment - Be here now. Love is.
 Sat 4:20pm nm
 Rather than hike, yard: chop west side of sidewalk orange flower pile to make room for car doors - clear beneath chair front of cottage, ~10small pots on sidewalk, water front/back, tiles on sidewalk, too? Dishes. PBJ in backyard - had moment of peace. Doing all I can. Is there anything I can be doing?
 PPT book, and class now, rather than wait for class till end of Oct. Maybe not this week.
 Sun Pt Reyes, BBQ music, sure. Enjoy life. Soon it will be cold/raining.
 Mon: Word class, ACA woman, unemployment (contact WL peeps again if not heard back).
 ~2 got hit w/nap stick - deep heavy! It's Saturday, I've been in class, dealing with emotionally heavy chores (disconnecting from job), Social Security problem, etc. job hunting coming up. I can nap mid-afternoon all I like. Be easy on myself. I am fortunate, but still - feel my feelings, feel my own pain.
 No one can harm you.
 Feel your own pain.
 Thins will never really be all settled, because
 Anything can happen to anyone.
 It's best to be prepared.
 Little phrases to calm the breathing and front brain. Breath. I am breathing. So I am alive. Poor Gil. :-( Poor us left behind.
 Fri Sep 14.18 laundry 5:30
 After Word class, Social Security office downtown Oakland, parking out front after 4x ~block - wait ~1hr with AARP magazines, lady says I'm in the system, but she also can't get it to accept my info! Dang! Aha - 1982 name misspelling Tosen - why does that sound familiar? Anyway, good to have it done.
 Relief I felt after - reminded me of Dad's saying 'hitting your hand with a hammer 'cause it feels so good when you stop!' - procrastinating, because magnified relief once task accomplished; could have avoided years of stress. Currently I'm avoiding finding out how much SS I'll get - I'm afraid to know -, depending on how soon I 'retire.' Try to get on things straight away. Avoiding, procrastinating magnifies stress..
 tho.. fair enough - no one wants to face bad news - like high PSA levels, which may prey on your mind but are not a serious statistical danger, Gil's situation aside. Be easy on myself - but get info I need - now's time.
 Called Derma - no appts till Oct.. now what? Some place with drop-ins just to freeze that one thing?
 Free weekend - I could do Sun Nicasio BBQ - but.. meh music.. Mad Hannah - $20 ticket, $25 food, $20 drinks, $5 tips = $70, owch, but it is such a nice place, easy sitting, food, music. Hmp.. hike, then concert? Could. No plans Sat except $ to Tom. What do I want to do with free day? No-thing? Any-thing?
 Cottage needs tidying - it is messy. Meditate - then - clean. A disorganized space indicates a disorganized mind.
 Fri Sep 14.18 nm
 Checked in w/Tom, maybe meet up at Freight& Salvage music event Sat to take care of shower stall $. Ask about good on skylight - do that before winter rains!
 Woke ~4am, called Social Security 800#, gave lady my info and she said everything was fine! Okay - good - because I may need it to be fine for unemployment, and certainly for Medicare/'retirement'. I wonder if anyone needs basic Photoshop skills from me? Had to work through years of low-level neglected Social Security stress after call - but it was good news! Neglecting stuff causes stress. Like I'm not checking to see how much SS $$ I'll get. Better to know - do it.
 Might go by office today after class - drop in - talk, talk -
 - make appt for blood work Mon, and Derma Tues. Yes. Do it before the weekend.
 More front yard weeding/raking -
 Meditate on Photoshop job in East Bay. Ommmmmm
 Thu Sep 13.18 nm
 InDesign this morning, EDD job support is in same building - haha! Downtown to PDF severance docs, send from Peets, - done!  -sad goodbye - final - but good to have it done. $1 per page! Yikes! El Cerrito Ross casual pants hunt - 1 pair, Solano Gordo's burrito - home, Nomad.. mostly just hanging, add address labels to car keys, 2nd set back in trunk.
 Medical stuff trickier..
 Mon afternoon Derma?
 Tues afternoon, after 10-hr fast - Blood work, where?
blood work, Tues Derma? Easier to do Word without food.
 Wed noon dental in SF - rice cooker from Chinatown after? Walk up Coit? Can I do that??
 Do it early next week, yes.
 Need a simple hat to protect skin. Plant aloe in yard. 
 Coolness is over, it is simple, non-extravagant, survival now. Necessities. Yard sales. Free boxes. Free cycle.
 Okay - now?
 Set up Derma for Monday
 Pant aloe in yard
 Box sake cups for Parri
 Wait to hear from WL about severance pay, after look into EDD.
 Next week, along with classes, health appts - improve resume. Photoshop examples. Positive quotes about training, from annual review.
 Rice cooker from Amazon?
 How to do Social Security? I found birth certificate. Call the #, and/or show up/sign up some Wed morning. Unemployment may be a problem if SS is a problem - so, PRIORITIZE!
 Thu Sep 13.18 nm
 Slept pretty well - ~10-6:30, wank, smoothie - showered last night - pbj/apple for lunch - InDesign @9am. I keep thinking if I get a job I'll have to quit class - is that over optimistic? Or just optimistic? Is this my last job; from now on it's old age, scrimp/save, charity/food banks? Don't know. Death can come at any time - no one knows when their time is - so don't freak about old age. Enjoy the present much as possible. And overcome idealism - it's down to survival now. Do what one must.
 Clear decks - cups to Parri, Ross pants, email PDFs to WL - clear out cottage junk. Simplify.
 Life is good. xox
 Wed Sep 12.18 nm 1:pm
 Good - pat on back - slept in, doc appt 9:45, Derma ref & Blood work - no PSA check. Make appts.
 Quick check pile of papers by bed, not much of importance - at nm went through emails, collected work info etc
 Need to split between things to do vs. resources - stuff for resume, quotes - main focus this week is to-dos, $$ for Tom, pants from Ross, mail Parri cups, stall pics for L, just clear everything up, passwords written down, tidying, laundry, rest - next week more job-hunting, unemployment, city/county resources etc. Organized so I can focus on job hunt.
 Blood work, no need for appt but have to fast for 10hrs - so after class Fri? Derma Thurs afternoon?
 DJ said I can use laundry now and then. Thank you.
 Okay - org info later - now, Ross, bank etc.
 ** Later:
 Napped for an hour
 Bank for $500
 Gelato, IM w/L
 1/2 Priced Books (depressing comics books, war, crime - idiot humanity - what's the point?) - eating helped :-)
 Paradise falafel
 Signed severance doc, Buff witnessed/signed - PDF tomorrow after class
 Visit EDD place tomorrow after class?
 Took out bins
 More Bermuda grass root digging
 Running around panicking will not get me a job - getting things done methodically, and taking a break is best. More naps.
 Weight 195 - I think I've lost 10lbs. :-O
 Wed Sep 12.18 nm
 Sleep ~10:30-8:30 with 1hr up ~5am - groggy - but well-rested.. looked for car, not around block, thought it was across from Nomad because of street sweeping - not there, look again - fuck - towed! $$ hassle stress - bike to doc, walk or cancel? Remembered where it was, yes. Phew. But groggy shit.
 Nice talk w/Sooz, a lot of course about - we haven't talked for 2 weeks, so last days at work, tacky send-off by company, lots of nice feedback goodbyes from people I helped. It rained in Oregon - everything seems to have settled down, house-work wise etc. She seems good. Happy to have Judd around.
 Today is day off.. but Ross for casual pants, sign severance forms, look at Social Security & EDD online, rice cooker, microwave. Organize pile of papers by bed and any work related info in emails. Maybe type it up and print at Kinko's? I like having physical list.
 Today is my day off - take it one step at a time.
 Oh haha - there a POV vid of Asian woman with D I like - searched for more online, found shower, sitting on glass etc - downloaded - so time well-spent hohoho. It's okay - do not need to job hunt 24/7 - I deserve and need this brief break after 20years. Yes. Take it easy on myself. Job hunting need not be punishment. Look through damn good resume. Work on LinkedIn.
 Tues Sep 11.18 nm 1:15pm
 Got into Tues-Thurs am InDesign - couple of minor things I didn't know, must mostly fine. Very beginning class. Keeps me on computers, cloud, MACs etc.
 Free time now - dig through emails, collect all to-dos/info.
 Send in WL Severance PDFs, look into unemployment & social security glitch. Start cottage tidy? Small rice cooker & microwave?
 Classes 4 mornings/week - plenty of free time for healing relaxation/sleep.
 Doc appt tomorrow for skin referral - call/add physical/blood work? Wed free except for doc appt. Nice. Sleep in.
 Tom/stall/toilet $360 - see if Buff wants to toss in $100?
 Now I can relax, next class in 2 days.
 Sweaty nights - laundry again, or is that obsessive?
 Ross Wed for casual pants.
 Cheap printer?
 Or I can take the rest of the day off and do fuck all.
 How about Wed.
 Doc ref for derma
 ACA lady
 AARP job hunt
 Ross for pants
 Printer for to-do address lists? They're so big!! Noo - prob not, but look.
 Social Security online.
 Mon Sep 10.18 nm
 Word class 9:30-12:00.. a lot I know - bullets, tables - , but starting from ground up is valuable!
 Bank - add tax account w/$20K. Kinkos - print PDFs to sign for WL severance.
 Home: dental appt next Wed; Doc appt for skin referral this Wed; Social Security on hold for ~1.25hr - pbj & chop/saw more of sidewalk ugly bush, give up on call.
 Plan in signing up for Tues-Thurs 9-12:00 InDesign class tomorrow. 4 days/week morning classes? Going through Sep-Oct!? That's a lot of time out of job-hunt - if I get a job, or temp work, then I can't finish.. so - also do PPT training of some sort elsewhere or online with book?
 Feel I ought to jump on it - opportunity. Keep busy. Learning. Networking.
 Groceries tonight. I need more casual slacks - current dockers are trashy. And casual shoes?
 Ruthie Foster Nicasio Sept 23.
 Call ACA lady - don't rush into COBRA.
 Other health stuff in Sep while I still have Blue Cross? Glasses? Mostly skin, teeth.. what about a physical? Ask on Wed? Yes.
 Mon Sep 10.18 nm
 Word @9:30 - goes through Nov 2 - 2 months of classes etc? .. could be.. what if I get temp work 1st? Self training with book?
 After class, print PDFs from WL for severance. Get dentist/doc #s/make appts. Also Social Security, make appt to see what's up?
 Start collecting those #s, esp those Buff/DJ sent me. work them.
 Might help to have a desk - find small one, replace bookshelf?
 Yes, thank you, be good today. Really helped to talk about fears/anxiety w/Stacey yesterday!
 Sun Sep 9.18 yard 7:20pm
 Good San Pablo Pho w/Stacey, good talk, mentioned my - I don't even remember how I phrased it - but my current fears, dread of future, etc - talked about fears/anxieties we have in common, how most everyone has same, keep ourselves distracted with pop culture, work etc. How knowing other people have it worse doesn't help. etc. All that.
 After I felt much better - important to talk this stuff out with close friends, not hold it in, play strong. Invited me over for dinner TV. Sounds good. Talked about all our personal stuff, my recent contact w/Nan, etc.
 Solano Stroll - not much, but okay 'people watching' - been a long time - 10yrs+? Chocolate flan not as good when alone, Peet's espresso, sushi bento 1/2 way down. Stopped in at Robbie's - welcomed me in, then a friend - chatted ~1hr - left with 35min to get to Bowl - drive 6:35-6:50 - made it on the button: burrito for tomorrow's morning class, pudding, bread for PBJs, straw&blueberries, bananas.
 Visiting Stacey & Robbie helped. Socializing, contacts.
 Work on list tonight or at nm tomorrow am. Must be done.

 Sun Sep 9.18 nm
 Utilize blog for survival - help organize - remind myself how amazing life is. Yet some part of me is glad not to be going to work.
 Sat 6hr InDesign - learned some, a lot looked familiar, like Quark - good to activate mind, get in learning mode. After, Peets mocha slushy, IMs w/K, chop front orange flower pile, chat w/Buff, drive DJ to Freight, front house shower, Youtube rollercoasters, sleep ~10 - up 7, stay in bed till 9. Extra bed-time seems to be helping, get back into my body and mind?
 Following Youtube algorithms closes my mind. Very narrow amusement. Do more. Volunteer at Shotgun players for free shows.
 Today lunch with Stacey, Solano Stroll - afternoon plan for upcoming week.
 Office class 9:30-12:30 - eat breakfast, bring lunch.
 Make Dentist appt
 Make Doc Fitzer fast appt for for skin care referral
 Social Security to find out what the problem is - find birth certificate
 WL Docs on thumb drive to print, sign, witness, PDF, send back
 Look at more classes - join InDesign?
 Look into county EDD, more classes?
 Collect stuff Buff/DJ sent: ACA, AARP job hunt advice
 More stuff to LinkedIn. Viral photoshop etc. Enjoy these free mornings. It's beautiful.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Be here now. Breath.
 Backup laptop - include list of apps, in case this laptop breaks or stolen etc.
 I may be unemployed for months. Utilize this time to learn, prepare, and also enjoy. Cheaper car? Give back to Sooz?
 Make will - AARP.
 List on dry/erase.
 Keep busy. Be as social as possible. See if Tom wants to go see Ruthie Foster? Can't hurt to ask.

 Sat Sep 8.18 nm
 Dreamed about Pittsburgh house, next door lot was empty, but been improved, dream of paradise, living at home, cared for, fed - there was a horse and 2 riders plastic toy, put together amusingly, I rearranged was was putting it back as it was when alarm went off.
 InDesgn all day intro today - 9am - leave ~8:30?
 Gil was dying for heaven's sake, he strove, fought to live as long as possible and enjoy his last years, did not give up. Thinking about distant future is not good.
 Get Social Security fixed up. Make list for next week, after morning class. Get new dental & Derma appt. Call ACA lady. Print sign PDF severance docs.
 I keep thinking how fucked I am, how fucked we all are, working class in the US - and as human beings - no hope, no hope. Good - accept that. Don't be - as Mom called them - a Dreamer. Get real, and struggle to survive. Life is a struggle to survive. Whiners die. what about the co-op where Karen lived - openings?
 One large BM every other day - change in diet, plus stress. Meditate man - and weights, and yard work. Easier once bathroom is done I hope? Get cottage cleaned out/organized. Need a clean organized living space. But - don't wait for that - I can meditate any time. It will help keep me from freaking out I think.
 I used to almost daily remind myself of all things to be grateful for - there's still:
 health, friends, yard and cottage, family, nature, bike, art, library, network, dare I say being as K says college-educated white male?, my creative mind - and so much more if I just keep looking up.
 Cheryl ~1979

 Fri Sep 7.18 backyard 7:14pm
 Wed pm dropped laptop, killed screen - augh! Work-related stuff on laptop. (back it up! and phone!) Slept badly, stressed.. anxiety hurt cognition.. phone to look for repair places.. work laptop meantime; need to return it. Bad karma to keep. Also, I think I can get office on this laptop really cheap.
 Thu locksmith, 2nd car clicker; while there got call from WL, failed ppt test - relief to have that settled! Not getting intense Menlo Park BoA 2hr commute is good - I would not have last 6 months. But - I did try, I learned how weak my skills are - so prioritizing training. DJ mentioned Berk Adult, also gave ACA contact. ~1pm drop laptop at Computer Repair (from Shattuck). Got info for Berk Adult school - San Pablo north of Univ. Signed up for 2 classes: MS Office Mon&Fri, and InDesign workshop all-day Sat. Maybe sign up for more.
 Today did first Word class 9:30-12:30, easy'ish, good to start from beginning in organized fashion. I feel how my brain is slow to absorb - part of me still wants same job, routine - of course, after 20yrs - give myself time, be easy on myself, to learn new ways. I can do this. I am not stupid - last year has been rough on heart and ego. I'll get over it. Human beings heal.
 Tom almost done w/shower stall - one more layer on tiles. 3 day job became 9-day. Cool - but make note.
 Talked to WL lady, forms to print, sign, PDF and send back - Monday?
 Severance is one payment - $10K - doesn't sound like that much on context - 
 one payment, so I can apply for unemployment. May not be much. Might pay rent and some food.
 I keep healthcare in Sep - so renew dentist appt, get face skin appt from Fitzer - some freezing to be done.
 Look into ACA.
All this is good - no more waiting.
 Today I thought, class is good because it's focused on starting something new, not focused on something old ending.
 Long'ish chat w/* about worries, worried about me - got me to open up about it - my fears. We need to talk about that, too - not only good stuff. That helped, to open up about it, instead of holding in, to not bother people or look weak. I am grateful for someone who cares that much.
 Groceries.. sushi box for dinner, burrito for InDesign day.
 Life is like a box of chocolates, never know what you're going to get. Even a broken heart.
 Solano Stroll Sun.. John Henry's birthday later this month. Do not miss that.
Key clicker, laptop fix, Menlo Prk job no, severance, ACA, HC for Sep, Word/Excel/PPT class, InDesign, shower stall, yard work, start job hunt part-time, etc. Survive.

 Wed Sep 5.18 nm 4:30
 Called Berk Adult School - downtown, look into parking - girl on phone said fine to come in Fri am - there's room, books in class.
 Key copy
place on University - remote clicker - while there, got call saying I did not get Menlo Park job - thank God - failed PPT test, I said no surprise, I was shocked by difficult it was, me being all focused on Bain-tools, and I'd signed up for classes that morning - she said they'd keep looking for another location, told WL guy. Call/ text him Thurs about Cobra/severance.
 Tom at cottage working on stall. Cottage a mess - that doesn't help focus mind, for job hunt, personal healing, rest.
 Downtown for falafel, but parked nr Mexican place on side St. Stacey likes, prawns lunch - $20, will get a 2nd leftovers meal.
for new card. 1/2 Priced books,
for $100 quarters.
 Good to have Menlo Park thing resolved - 2hr commute was a deal-killer - no way that could go one for a year. I felt relief. Funny. But I did try! And I learned. And am taking appropriate steps.
 Good - way cleared for more R&R, start into job-hunt.
 Continue to give myself time and be kind to myself, enjoy this free time. Meditate. Use weights. Get audio for weight /mediation on phone or laptop. Phone timer. Floor pillow. Relaxation mediation will be good for me. Also stretching.
 Yes! So much to be grateful for. May be past initial kick in stomach, and being treated like garbage by work.
 Wed Sep 5.18 nm
 Sleep ~9 - 1 hr up ~3-4 - out of bed ~8. Continue to stay in bed till I'm ready.
 Tues SRosa~11am -easy drive - for Mex lunch w/Eric - use his shower first, ahh nice - Tom working on shower stall - caulking today (?) delays are troublesome, but in circumstances, he is doing us a favor, okay - Sebastopol for antique stores, see giant chair - stop: artsy space for smoothies, small pre-fab mini-'shops'. Cool find. Visit downtown to see if record store still there - nope.
 Anxiety back to normal life level - not far from before news, feeling I ought to be doing something to prepare for future.. Sat-Tue 4 days of conscious chill, expecting call today or tomorrow from WL recruiter about Menlo Pk job, if not, reach out and start COBRA & severance.
 Today, new car key with remote, & new battery - start collecting job-hunting info in one place - small steps. Contact Adult School to see about starting MS Office class Fri morning, after missing 1st 2 classes. Maybe no room. Be prepared. Visit site?
 This is nice having days off. Reach out more, be social hen opportunity presents itself.
 Mom put things off to end - what am putting off? Music?
 Travel? Spend a week in Oregon? Bragg? Can I do it for $1K. Dare I? Dare.
 Karen said: Go easy on yourself.
 Anything I want to do with this free time is okay. Take care of myself.
 Mon Sep 3.18 nm
 Forced myself to stay in bed till almost 9.. in and out of dreams - Tom dream: you have to be nicer to me - flipped a plane ticket away from my hand, walked away disappeared leaving me lost..
 Just - nothing - yes - new reality is dealing with reality of aging, lack of 'retirement', loss of independence, etc.. several days of 'nothing', then full-time survival - 3 months of severance (if I get it), then what unemployment till march, then somehow survive till 65 for full Social Security - all this presumes affordable rent cottage situation stays intact.. 
 Face-to-face with uncertainty, I assume one adjusts - sigh.. it's up to me..
 Eat.. I need to eat now..
 Leave for Nicasio ~2, dinner there - 2 drinks?  Enjoy. Breath. Count blessings. Focus on positive.
 Sun Sep 2.18 7:13pm
 After Nomad, talk w/Nan ~8:35-noon(?) - several hours, (before and after Tom working on stall) - our jobs, my unemployment/plans, Scott & his relationships w/women, then into out past relationship as artist/ model, peoples' negative reaction to sexuality in our photos, non-sexual intimacy, the pregnancy shots, I like being worshipped, etc.. dug deep into latter, I think because we cherish/ed sharing.
 A little stress in stomach, I think from my unrequited desire for next step which will never come; sent her my description of Gil's last day. Salad lunch, Tom takes break, NBerk burrito - note expense - let it go these few days - start making food at home. Tilden back parking, down through Farm, visitor center, wooden trail to lake - so tired when I got there! Did not know - laid on bench and deep slept on-and-off - up ~4, back through side trails - in a daze - bad air from Oregon fires! Beautiful buck crossing trail, and bunny. PEETs for espresso and pumpkin bread. Bowl for chocolate drinks, salad, dried figs, apples. $20. Keep track of food expenses? By category. Use Excel.
 1/2 burrito dinner - now low energy - sure - continue to chill, avoid stressful thinking. Relax. A few days of chill is good for me, and I need it - Tuesday visit Eric. Then free days for longs lists of things to do.
 Sun Sep 2.18 nm
 Slept decent - sweaty - good to have laundry/groceries done - up ~7:30 - smoothie, Nomad - call Nan ~8:30
 Woke up feeling okay, but also crying - so okay - feel my feelings, I can be happy and well, and still need to cry - everyone does - Dad said, that's why we watch sad movies, to let out the tears. Dad was wise in many ways. Yes. And Mom. Adults who'd survived hard hard times - death of sibs in war, dire poverty, alcoholism, watching family members collapse and fail - they saw necessity of strong core strength, went to Catholic church. Okay. We'll see. Look into it if I want - there's good stuff there.
 No plans today - call Nan - yard work? Eat? Rice cooker. Nap. Rest. Eat good food.
 Home now to call Nan - is that why I cried this morning?
 Sat Sep 1.18 laundry
 Feel good - life is scary/uncertain, but I have ideas, steps to take, a path forward, support of family, friends, ex-co-workers... positive comments from co-workers in last 2 days meant so much, soulful goodbyes with Rob and Randy, we are mates motherfucker - made a huge difference to counterbalance corporate heartlessness. Tom helping with cottage, Buff/DJ had me in for cheese prosciutto snack, Buff again mentioned living situation being something they want to keep together, DJ sent Berk Adult school list - MS Office, and InDesign! Wow - can I live on severance and take classes while also putting myself out there?
 Taking classes while on severance sounds great!
 Buff/DJ said getting refurbished laptops with office SW can save 100s. My friend praying to the goddess that someone else gets Menlo Park BoA job. Wrong situation. Look at ACA.
 Today.. chill, free fall, no plans more than an hour in advance - think about food - Nomad till ~10, Bowl for burrito bowl, eat at Tilden Carousel/check it out, ride mini-train - 1mins of $3 silly adult fun - perfect sunny cool day - Peets for mocha slushy, Mexican place for chicken/rice/beans plate - a bit light on chicken and beans! Back to car - law writing a ticket, I ran/hobbled up in my broken Birkenstocks - "I'm coming! Am I too late??" "No. You're not tool ate." "Thank you! Appreciate it."
 Backed up Aug blog - start fresh, no focusing on past, difficult 6 weeks, move forward - that's correct and only direction. Up my training/skills - hone resume, organize resources, network, resume, take time for myself - rest/refresh. Like job search/classes 1/2 time job, 1/2 enjoy this break.
 A few more days of nothing - but even so, I'm getting stuff done, thinning about how to feed myself, getting cottage, groceries, laundry together - music BBQ Mon, visit Eric Tues. Call with Nan Sun am. Nothing to be embarrassed about - pride will kill me - times like this, you cut through crap, see where gold is.
 List later, but roughly:
 Office classes
 Car key
 List all stuff from emails

 Contact peeps who offered me references - ask if it's okay to give out their email address to potential employers, or better they write something up? Even connected to Taf & Jeff - which just goes to show, you don't have to want to be friends with someone one, might even find them irritable, to say yeah, they're good workers, help them out in a hard spot - you don't undercut people in trouble. Of course; and I'm not too proud to ask for help, which says something good about me. Culi and I were cutting up at the end, and I wishing him good luck, and don't let them burn you out! I got a little class anyway motherfucker.
 Shower stall is looking good. Small fridge is a problem.. but.. hmp. Deal with it.
 Okay - a new day dawning. I'm still a bit of a mess - give myself a few more days. Pray for severance.
 The people I cared about most.. Rocker Peter and John R chat buddy were most upset, wrenching really - they were closest to friends. TSG Christina was more upset than I'd expected - but she knows, emotional as I am, I work hard, always was there for them. Isidro and I - we always made eye contact - hugs goodbye. And a few consultants, ACs, Managers..
 Sat Sep 1.2018 nm
 Fri Nomad ~4 - then hang in bed, too weary for shower.. half work sandwich for 'dinner' - youtube, Excalibur clips - rollercoasters - sleep ~10?
 Wake ~8am.. so wow - have not had a good night's sleep since mid- July announcement - 3-4hrs or more but not restful - ~10hours last night and woke feeling mentally rested - best digestive activity in a while, too..
 Good to be away from work atmosphere - tensions - coming end - rejection - keeping it secret while waiting for them to announce - no control - they said mid-Aug - but waited till last minute, buried it in dense email - glad I took back some control, not unprofessionally - sent goodbye early, along w/CORE waterworks slide - more time for people to come say goodbye, give thanks - some very high praise, for both training and support, tho my mind was in such a lather I've barely retained it -
 All this in wake of Mom's death.. that made it harder, yes - my cognition was not 100% - relentless pressure to learn new job, new admin, new training skills, jettison past tasks as worthless, give 200% - yep - overwhelmed -
 Collected a bunch of LinkedIn connections, and a few good recommendations - I have disorganized collection of stuff to do next, but taking this 4-day weekend, let go, freefall, sleep, this is my time... no need to do anything job-related, or worry about it - one needs to take care of oneself~ if I can, I should..
 Fact that I slept well for 1st time in 6 weeks, slept solid 10hrs means this is necessary - good for me - I will job hunt better if I'm not exhausted, and can think clearly -
 Tom working on stall today, so no napping.. maybe Tilden stroll?
 Thinking one hour here at Nomad, then get out and away from internet.
 Look into Dell laptop with Office apps.
 Now.. 10am - Tilden? Bring food.