Wed July 18.18 Newport hotel
Mon pm most of Newport hotels booked - managed 2 nights at
Econolodge (thank you) nice $110 room looking out at distance but
audible ocean.. Tues ~10am lv for Sooz in Albany - easy
drive, nice day from fogged-in coast to sunny hot inland.. Good to
se Sooz, Jack, Judd, kitties, greenhouse, yard, birds on feeders..
talked about boss asking for mandatory mtg, wondering what, is it
really important, or just her stuff - what does it say that we did
not trust her to trust? Whatever.. Sooz & I went out for lunch, chat
chat ~4 fading head out w/sad hugs, Joni Mitchell bios, Mexican
Easy drive, woke me up, north on 101 for Sbuck thermos coffee, Mexican
restaurant - sent pics to Sooz.. broke down place but
tasty/filling! Grocery store: bananas, pudding, goldfish.. hotel,
thinking do things - do things now! Hit off pipe, bring with small
bud, park at overlook near arts center, hit off pipe - barely notice
high but mostly puts me in present - no past/future.. stroll water
edge but not in water, heavy fog - no sunset -, jacket, nice.. home
Sleep ~11, sleep all night deep.. up ~7:30.. call CHIboss.. no answer..
call 30mins later.. the news: both CHI & SF GFX depts closing Aug 31
- ouch! That's like7 people out of work - including, I assume
CHIboss.. man, lots of pain.. bad news for me, but I'm okay at the
Cheap rent, good savings, option to retire, Medicare in 8mos - (look into
how Social security calculated - recent paychecks, or long-term
employment?) - being at Bain&Co for 19yrs will look good on resume..
maybe even someone at Bain will recommend me? Also, I'm past Mon/Gil
deaths physical pain - though it sort of "ruins" my vacation..
And interesting timing.. just did 4 days of relaxed driving, yesterday
visiting good beloved friend, who welcomed me, said looking good
(lost weight, Mexican clothes) - next step is 9 nights in cottage in
favorite place in US.. so time for this traumatic news to sink in..
I am numb, avoiding now - feel my feelings, let it sink in,
Bain has been a big part of who I am and was during a big
significant time of my life: post-divorce, post wild-living, 45-64..
wild.. I was allowed to evolve, learn, test myself, come out of
shell, lots of trainings - got pretty good at it! Able to see live
music, music fests with friends, support my friends - and
goddaughter - financially!
Regular paycheck is nice, people I've worked with for so long - sad to say
goodbye to familiar faces.. sad for them, too.. sad.. fuck..
But survival is first priority.. timing is good as can be hoped, with
savings etc.. my friends may be generous, I'll be okay - but a.) I
do not want to be dependant, and b.) there's more to it than that -
there's the working class dilemma - who am I without work?
Sell my artwork online - now's the time.
Boom! Big news. Not a disaster, because I could retire, try to live on
fixed income. Wait 8 months till 65 and do my best. Move to a crappy
trailer park in Oregon or Bragg and freeze in the rain. Get info.
Okay. Now what?
Now - 10:56 - car packed - let's drive to Oceanside.. I have 5 hours to do
a 2hr drive, arrive ~3.
Breath. This is really happening - breath - remind myself I am distracted
and emotional, so be extra careful driving!
Mon July 16.18 Roasters/Florence 2pm
Boss <snip> no biggy.. (she's doing best she can, be supportive
where I can)
Again, good to blog job stuff here, but no need to keep, as I will never
care going forward.. which tells me a lot - it is peripheral,
Sleep well - ~11pm-7:45.. (evening: no fridge, spoon runny choc pudding..
youtube).. morning: good wank (OPIK Kate & blonde, less
experienced blonde sitting on cock, Kate sitting on face; after I
have fully satisfied them, they want to give me commiserate pleasure
- Kate sucking, other stroking balls).. move slow, internet,
smoothie, good bm, shower - overcast - explore Winchester fishing
port, cool little book store on wharf along with dry dock (?) boats
on stands -crackers/hummus/1/3 pbj - filling -... traffic easy..
breakfast somewhere.. eggs/corn beef hash.. yuck..
Bathing is one of fave vacation activities.. sleep, hot showers.. fresh
air, relaxation.. looking at ocean... no work.. this works.. so what
am I doing right now? exactly what I want.. if I am dissatisfied, do
something else.. it's my choice.. visiting a favorite coffee spot on
coast for espresso & view of lovely bridge... sunny day with enough
of cool breeze to be perfect.. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sunny beautiful by river, view of 30s deco bridge.. people drinking
coffee, talking.. my 2nd double espresso..
50 miles to Newport.. 1:15hrs.. past Seal caves..
Tues Newport to Sooz and back.. Wed have all day to get to
Oceanside.. always small pleasurable tension between: wanting to
arrive vs. wanting to chill here/there and take time.. later
afternoon Oside arrival has always worked.. tides not very low, but
there's always tunnel..
Sigh.. yes.. emailed Sooz.. Tues still good? Pics to friends.. 2nd
espresso helped.. sitting here, espressos helped.. something about
this spot.. makes everything okay..
Sun July 15.18 Coos Hotel 6 8:45pm
Just back from sushi dinner - wonton soup, rainbow roll - too much - most
of roll came home in box.. large hot sake, water, fortune cookies..
stressed and crazy while eating, but feel good now, stroll ~15min
through empty depressing sodden Coos Bay - which wants so to be as
charming as its name - and I wish it well and have faith.. Frost's
The Witch of Coos haunts my peripheral mind..
What the hell - call into Tue Dept mtg if I can - choose your
battles - I have nothing to prove - she wanted to call me, but
compromised said I could call in.. so do it.
This morning ~11am - up north side of Rogue River, stick to main on main
road, hard right.. through fog, out left window, I see fucking ocean
- WTF? - 7miles back south, back up, earlier hard right, get to
small bridge, larger Lobster Creek Bridge.. beautiful area!! OMG -
curvy road forests, running fauns, wide river, river bank rock
formations, forested mountains, large red boat with ~25 people
zipping around, I wave from bridge, they waved back - 1/2 pbj -
North through small towns.. explore Port Orford, art
gallery, Crazy Norwegians cup clam chowder/salmon salad/choc shake -
that worked, parked above to digest & view bay, espresso downtown -
yum! - junk shop across street, perused Port Orford history book..
Langlois Raincoast Arts Gallery I've been driving past
for 20+ years, some decent work.. I'm a judgmental ass.. ego relies
on phony sense of being artist - delusions - cruise Bandon
Old Town, park by wharf (yawn), get out only at memorial to native
people.. okay.. not my people.. but cool.. decide on Coos Bay
(30 miles north) for dinner (rather then Mon brunch) - Hotel
6, no fridge?!? Shit.. but my choice not to go back and ask for diff
room.. it's all my choice..
I like that $$ has been set aside all year - no stress over hotels/meals..
Have some time to hang in Newport..
Mon: Reedsport, Florence, Yachats, Waldport, Newport.. seal caverns
somewhere, Devil's Punchbowl I think.. lots between Coos Bay -
Newport.. only ~100 miles.. my mind is not used to this, but all is
well - during dinner I was feeling weirder out, stressed, crazy -
toasted several times to all going well - I may not be 'happy' but
life is good and everything is okay.. normal life stresses,,
deconstructing.. as I relax into vacation brain, stuff that work
distracts me from is there.. emptiness, disappointments, broken
relationships, isolation, disliking myself for what I can't do etc..
natural,, there's nothing wrong.. I'm human that's all.. a good
meal, a soft bed, a good car, money in the bank, people who love me
and who I love.. this is all good.. I am happy.. this is as good as
9:17.. pot, laptop, TV.. tomorrow I can do whatever I want.. move photos
from phone & cam into laptop, uploaded ~6...
Sun July 15.18 Motel 6 Gold Beach 10:18am
Processing - using opportunity of boss inserting her control into my
off-time.. Speak with integrity, don't take anything personally,
don't make assumptions, always do your best, etc - her stuff has
nothing to do with me, it's about her stuff, her job, her needs -
I'd be doing her a favor to call in Tues or Wed. I
could call from a payphone so she can't call me back).. Use
this opportunity to learn - it's all good. I'm
doing great. Didn't eat enough Sat, probably dehydrated,
But pretty painless drive - sleep ~11(?), 2 hits of indica, watch baseball
game - nothing much else on.. TV, ugh.. oh but wait, yes, I found
Avengers super hero shows - oh, finally something good..
see how my personal prejudices fool me: mock popular culture, TV
shows, but comic book action movies are boss! Get down off - or at
least be aware of - my need for self aggrandizement / ego feeding.
It's all good. We're all just a bunch of morons. Everyone thinks
they're cool. Hah hah.
Anyway - sleep okay I think, some restlessness, but up @8:30.. anxious
mind.. probably from hunger and unstructured time.. I'm going to
miss something! No.. I'm not. Relax. Enjoy. Smoothie, hotel
coffee, went for seconds asked counter lady about drive up river -
she says there's a bridge 15miles up I can cross and loop back -
perfect! "That's very helpful. Thank you!" Shower, pack, just had
mideast salad - that's helping a lot! PBJ for road.
10:30.. enjoying sitting here.. anything else? Time to head up the river..
~175 miles, 4 hrs, to Newport.. 2 days to do it hahahaha. Perfect... stop
everywhere I like.. eat big salads... phone search for mideast /
Was all fogged in - just looked up from photoshopping LisCam nudes - sun
out,. cool.. here we go
Sat July 14.18 Gold Beach Hotel 6 7:42pm
Mostly driving, left Oakland ~9, stopped in SR to see Eric for
20-30minutes, dropped off couple Elmore Leonard books and some CBD
pot; music from Gil's iPod huge help, few stops, to pee, check
grocery stores, look for Mexican clothing place, Paul Bunyan & Blue
statues, send phone photos, Native American museum, ice cream cone -
Traffic not bad - noticed hotels w/no vacancies in Crescent City, then
Brookings.. called Hotel 6 from Brook - thank you phone assistant -
held their last room, she called back -~$110 total - no problem! A
bit frantic and hungry - sushi breakfast, turkey sandwich lunch,
dried fruit, small box from WF hot bar - better go out get more, gas
car.. but hey! I'm here - felt better soon as I got into OR..
psychological, but also, less wires, poles, billboards.. yes.. now 2
days to get to Newport, tho I could get there tomorrow and hang out
for a day! And Fern Grove close to Parri's town, but that would mean
fast drive leaving OR Fri..
Lv Oceanside Fri 11 am.. 8hrs to Orick? Fern
Grove Sat am, Parri in Arcata afternoon.. then
either head home, or hotel somewhere, Sun sushi w/Eric.. too
much? Probably have to skip Parri unfortunately - couldn't be
helped, she wasn't free today.. Probably 2 days to get to Willits
Sat - w/quick Arcata visit, Sun Eric -
Work stuff quickly fading from mind - no worse than it ought to be.
Cool breeze - jacket, pot, gas car, grocery store for snack food, berries
(?).. yes - good start - in a pretty good space mentally, but
remember to eat!
Chevron for $53 gas (!), grocery store: pudding, crackers/hummus,
blueberries, apple, 4mins to south end of town ~8:30, big rocks,
rocky beach, good surf - eat crackers/ hummus - that helped! Eat
more!! Forgot the pot! Bummer - a slight high would have been nice.
Walked in surf, skipped rocks, non-dramatic sunset - cool, windy -
but hey! Back towards hotel, u-turn nr driveway, lights on in small
decorative bridge towers - drive cross, park in front of dark creepy
grocery-type store - walk cross bride - ~1/2mile? If I'd gotten
high, prob would not have walked bridge, stretched legs, got the
fresh air - seen shit - taken photo inside the lit bridge deco
rooms. Note hotels on river - maybe stay some time? Tomorrow? Roads,
buildings inland along river - want to explore! Dark dusk, cool - I
could stay another night and 'do' Gold Beach - or spend some time
here tomorrow morning, explore beaches, drive a few miles up the
river? Could, Just saying.
10:07 - getting tired - bit of pot.. TV.. sleep..
Long'ish day with a good ending.. gas, food, beach, sunset, bridge walk..
guy at hotel saw Rancho Nicasio jacket, said he'd seen Elvin Bishop
there - I said me, too - nice..
Sat July 14.18 nm
Headed to OR - Tue pm did laundry, Fri pm Bowl for fruit,
sushi, sandwich etc - hang w/Buff, do most packing, car loading
(coats, pillow), sleep rough, woke ~2(?), then prob sleep more than
I realized after, feel okay - shower, hair, finished pack, all food,
turn fridge down to let ice melt(?), toiletries, mostly Mexican
shirts and shorts, sandals, boots, bringing some stuff to leave
behind, 2 books, no bike - rent a water boat in Seaside!
Finished E Leonard's early Big Bounce.. kind of bad, nearly unpublished,
but fun now I'm a fan..
Nomad, coffee and eat sushi box.. now bathroom break and head out
shortly.. I have 4.5 days to drive <12 hours.. once I get to Oregon,
it will be slow going.. visit small towns, check map for parks,
sights etc.. Mon & Tues pm Newport, inland to see
Sooz.. Wed Newport to Oceanside.. 9 nights in Oside..8 days..
Okay.. shit then hit road - got screw-into cup-place phone holder &
cassette adaptor to play Gil's iPod.. if it works .. music makes
such a big diff.. but.. free time.. no work.. beautiful coast..
sunsets.. meals.. eat good food when I can.. avoid Chinese.. bad
reactions.. look for mideast places..
Yeah, mideastern meals is new this year.. keep an eye out for falafel
places.. my body is not used to crap
Past the Gil grief body pain.. yay!
Listened to Laurel Canyon over and over last night. missing Scott touched
by sound of voice, compassion which be sings even snarky lyrics..
Okay.. road time.. :-) 3 days to get to Newport.. hmmm
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
K said she'd considered retiring me $$, I said thank you, generous, can't
accept while she is caring for Xo..
This is life. Cool.
Fri July 13.18 nm
Training this morning; set up for vacation - phone/email - training info
to teammates - boss wants me on 'mandatory' dept mtg call Tues..
meh? Standard boss freak out losing control during vacations.
Sat-Mon to Newport.. 3 days, go slow, visit small towns,
coast, stores.. Tue inland & back to visit Sooz.. Wed
to Oceanside.. Fern Valley nr Crescent City.. try to visit
EOD Sat, stay in Brookings or something? General anxieties
about driving, not known where gonns stay, what to do in Oside to
avoid sodden boredom.. be brave, be strong, be myself.. breath,
relax, eat good food, heal, let my mind and body rest.. last couple
years dealing w/friends' illness and deaths.. this year ought to be
more.. serene, and more mature..
Lovers like it when I call them 'babe' during sex, during orgasm.. oh,
babe.. "You're a great fuck." in right circumstances: perfect
compliment.. who doesn't want to be considered a great lover.. I am
told my inventiveness is good, willing to try new things, explore
what works and doesn't.. well, yes.. who doesn't want to explore an
amazing woman's body? Hill, valleys, and hidden chambers. Women tell
me I really enjoy women.. well, again, yes.. what is not to enjoy,
warmth, responsiveness, moisture, slick lipped valleys fingers
thumbs slip into easily, naturally..
Ok - in early to train.. usually leave Nomad 8:10, home 8:18 to arrive 9,
to day I leave ~10mins till 8 to get in 15min early. Bowl last
night, sushi for breakfast for training energy.. ate it
surreptitiously here at Nomad.
Getting into vacation mode..
Thurs did 3 1hr Partner trainings almost back-to-back - began to
lose focus on 3rd "Did I already say this?" - but got it done. Good
individual contacts. Cool. Yes. Training, teaching. My thing. Nice.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Wed July 11.18 bed 8:50pm
In early this morning, bed early tonight - since in early, took extra <wk
time to do laundry.. come home from vacation to nice clean bed, etc
Bulk pick up w/Buff - finally got rid of Camry roof rack, and small fridge
from side alley - can clean out growth/vines etc now -
Vacation is tedious, boring, uncomfortable.. alone, with few distractions,
you face yourself, adjust to 'Can I live with myself?" perspective;
that's only for weeks. Months, year's'd be tougher still - or not.
Tough at times, but yeah, sure - that's a challenge I'd like to take
on. If I must. No, well, anyway..
Got high.. bye..
Tue July 10.18 nm
Realize I'm uncertain what days I'm in oside - check at work.. calculate
trip home & Sooz visit.. good to have some structure I think..
Managed two 2hr trainings yesterday - finished E Leonard Western page
turner.. now what?
Hummingbirds, chatting with Biff, arms/knees better after months/years of
Losing Gil-related pain..
Main reason to bring bike to OR is one afternoon in Seaside - rent one
instead. Pedal boat?
Hydrate. Salad, veggies, dried fruit.. relax, luxuriate, showers.. wash
clothes, hang to dry on porch.. breath into reality.. be there with
it.. stare into abyss.. see sunshine.. breath...
Trump's got Supreme Court.. we are well and truly fucked.. thanks
holier-than-thou progressives... oh, well..
When did Gil die? Jan 25? WTF
All my focus on OR now.. don't forget anything.. relax but also do things
and enjoy.. move, train ride to Rockaway Beach.. do things, walk,
small hit of pot/stroll beach.. eat good food.. my usual life, in
beautiful place.. tho I sat in back yard this morning with smoothie,
stared out through yard into neighbor's yards see how I'm surrounded
by natural beauty.. so much better than ugly expensive boxed
apartment.. I am blessed and very fortunate..
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Mon July 9.18 nm
Sun salad lunch, lv for Nicasio ~2:30, ez traffic, sunny/beautiful/lite
breeze - v nice. Small/moderate crowd for Peter Rowan's bady - Rowan
Bros open extra good - Peter is amazing, his voice and guitar
playing. Like a family gathering - old-time some Hank, fewer 60s
stoner songs - bit of Salsa swing in Panama Red.. extended Land of
Navajo yodeling.. left during No Woman No Cry.. Tired of Marley
covers.. 3 margaritas & salmon.. sipped w/3 bottled waters.. careful
not to make myself even lightly hungover or groggy this morning - 1
hit of indica.. sleep ~10:30? Woke ~3 to pee.. some restlessness,
lots of sleep, came out of dreams, turned over, snuggled back under
Beautiful day & location, good BBQ, ez-parking, friendly wait-staff,
excellent music intimate backyard.. good time, relaxing,
comfortable.. audience loose, friendly, joking in porta-potty
line/chair neighbor.. ez drive home.. WF soup/hot meal, sunscreen
spray - soup/bread dinner w/Buff back..
Groggy Monday morning, but otherwise cool.. mentally/physically rested -
two 2hr trainings today, navigate lunch between - 12:31-1:01.. have
not done 2x in one day before.. bit anxious, but likely to go well..
Interesting time.. left upper arm & knees feeling better (right
weak/tender).. figured 2016-18 weakness/pain was a sign of aging,
likely to continue/worsen.. now seems it was related to Gil's long
illness/suffering/death.. holding in my grief, trying to be
strong/present for them.. Holding it in.. who knows? Guilt about my
life being relatively easy, while Sooz & Karen were going through
rough times (surgery & post-surgery depression/divorce/losing
house).. also, when their lives are rough, I am supporter, and get
less support from others..
.. anyway, maybe things are lightening up.. my body feeling better..
good... yard looking great.. mid-summer..
Vacation is simply unstructured time... where you in small ways find out
who you are without work diving up your time.. driving, arriving,
eating, walking, sitting.. filling or not filling one's time.. lots
of time online.. distracting oneself with sexy flirting.. memories..
memories.. creative play even.. usually I'd take photos, photoshop
@hotel, upload for fb.. lately use only phone for photos.. bring
camera.. use it.. yes.. better control..
Don't lose car keys.. don't be careless.. be alert.. take precautions.. do
things I enjoy..
Sun July 8.18 nm
Relaxed morning - feels good.. sleep ~11? - wake ~6:30, snooze/sleep till
8, straight into shower/wash hair, smoothie.. having OR trip so
close is nice.. hours by the ocean, that's all - Parri not around so
no Arcata, maybe on way home? Google says ~7hrs to Gold's Beach..
can do that with several stops, make good time.. main thing, long
day visit Sooz, allow for 3hrs driving - 2 nights in Newport? 4 days
on road I think.. says 2hrs from Newport to Oceanside.. work out a
4 days on road.. 4/12 really.. so..
Sat Gold beach or whatever..
Tues Sooz, Newport
Wed.. Newport to Oside (9 nights)
Something like that - some towns I haven't stayed in before.. just have
time for Sooz.. maybe that river barge she mentioned..!
It looks like I leave Oside Thurs am.. which means I could do
Thurs Coos Bay or something
Fri Gold Beach
Sat pm Arcata pm
Sun Parri breakfast.. home
Too much scheduling around visiting friends, women? Or is that most
important thing I will never regret. Yes. Total looseness can be too
much - friends most important. Leave Sat.. 4 days on road..
sometimes book rooms in advance?
Wondering why I have not received car cassette adaptor & phone holder -
realized have not seen emails confirmation - just checked, yep - did
not finalize order - out through - maybe receive before Sat?
Summertime - yes thank you.
10am - do I eave for Pt Reyes stroll by 11, Nicasio BBQ by 4? or chill
here at home, continue enjoying rest/cottage/yard clean so it is
nice when I leave/get home. Yeah - this chill is really working for
me.. K settling into King's Lynn - that feels good, too.. Sooz
better, healing after winter surgery.. ~8months since Mom's death..
Morning shower, noticed left arm backward flexibility virtually same as
right arm, pain point upper front arm barely noticeable - tender if
fingers hard into spot.. so was this all about months, years of
knowing Gil was dying? Maybe.. fear.. anxiety.. survivable.. life is still good in spite of it..
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Home to eat - Bowl for week's groceries.. clean cottage.. lv for Nicasio
Oregon, trick is balance sluggish chill inward do-nothing, with
exploring/fun stuff/healthy eating.. did it last year.. whatever..
bring blender and small grill...
Uploading random to tumblr blog: Noted variety of models: White, Jewish,
Mexican, Chinese, Korean, Philippine - tall, short - slender; fair
enough - visible bone structure, flesh stretches between catches
light - concave, not convex.. young - 20s - as was I. Also note
that, newest being ~1993 - 25yrs ago: I'm no longer concerned so
much about privacy - no one would likely see these, recognize them
now in their 50s. Time passes. Anyway - they are beautiful posed art
shots, not private or erotic/personal. Time passes.
Sat July 7.18 II bed 9:30pm
~1pm head to Bank, stop @La Pena crowded sidewalk event - Frida Birthday?
- lots of booths, lots of Frida, pretty Hispanic girls, buy a Frida
painter skeleton in box for $45 - I think I like it. Bank for $300,
- hot day! feeling good, relaxed, clear, rested - wk training lined
up, vacation coming up - getting some serenity? - Steve Ditko just
died; memories of his art - Spiderman, & esp Dr. Strange - lately
I've been enjoying fb comic book groups - connected - a loss - value
of pop culture - imagination ; North Berk PEET's for Mocha smoothie
on steps of Quaker place I went to AA (for how long - I sometimes
think 2-3 years - was it?)- ; Sushi place closed, Saul's crowded,
book store.. - chicken enchilada/watermelon aqua in alley place, sit
on porch - nice! Lovely day - cool breeze softened heat - still a
Downtown - comic book store & 1/2 priced books - drooled a little over
Taschen collection of Tank Girl artist Hewlit (sp?) - 2 Elmore
Leonards(!) from 1/2 Price. It's fun having favorite authors, being
excited when finding a new book - 'cause you know it's going to be
fun! (Loaned one to Buff.) Bowl for salad, soup, deodorant, Forgot
At home.. nice heavy relaxing dreamy nap for ~30mins. Nice relaxing summer
day. Eat room-temperature, spicy Vietnamese catfish rice soup in
backyard & read more of Leonard's Last Stand western in back yard -
never read in backyard - must be a good sign - plus I was at a
really tense stand-off scene and had to know.
With my GT photo getting fb ad attention, causing a relaxed mini-GT
reunion on fb, and Madonna tweeting etc Frida with gun - I'm
enjoying pleasant attention.
Sat July 7.18 nm
<wk Fri laundry - mentally tilting toward OR vacation in one week -
get clothes clean now - bring bike? I think yes - even if only 1 or
2 uses, in Seaside.. 4 days is a long time to be on the road - there
will be boredom.. that's okay..
Thought maybe Santa Rosa today - I'd like to see Eric & have a sit down
meal, but very hot, needing rest before this last training-heavy
week before OR.. I could justify if I was going to Sonoma then back
for meal, but..
.. sleep ~10:45.. woke ~6:30.. back to sleep/snooze comfy till 10am! So,
rest.. yes.. inconsistency/lack of transparency/sharing at work
causes uncertainty/anxiety.. stay away from it.. act on what I
know.. it has always been this way, from Taf on down at least.. slow
to share pertinent info.. change what I can (do my best), accept
what I can't change.. 'twas always thus.. enjoy.. be happy, yes -
even at work!
Last Stand Elmore Leonard western very fun so far!
Madonna Instagramed/tweeted Frida with gun.. I'm probably crazy not to at
least sell cards/fridge magnets.. signed prints.. make a few
thousand in the limited target base..
Noon.. no plans today.. hang, chill.. $$ from bank.. eggs from Farm Mkt..
relax and enjoy.. put aside one whole day for Sooz visit..
Took a timer selfie in training room, sent to L.. I am not skinny at all,
maybe not "Fat", but husky, a big guy.. okay.
Anything else..? nooo.. quick shower at home.. bank fm mkt.. eat! Nice of
day to chill yes..
Yes! Thank you! Be good today.
Oh - and Sun afternoon Peter Rowan B-day BBQ - take it easy on
drinks! 2x I've woken up next day not 100% energetic/brain-powered -
treat myself well, have this last post-vacation week go smoothly -
so I can start OR vacation on good foot.. 16 days w/no work.. um,
Fri July 6.18 nm
Thurs pm Restless/tense before training - as is often case - tho
it's easy 2hr CORE, so why? Standing in front of people? Yeah, not
100% comfy.. whatever.. Bowl after wk for berries, sushi (for
pre-training), salad - $50 sushi dinner downtown, ate slow, chilled,
breath.. 'sleep' ~10:15.. up ~3-4am(?), then more sleep.. not as
good as an all-night 7hrs, but enough.. when I think of it as
something I enjoy/can be happy about, it's better... just.. people!
brr-r-r-r-.. :-D Once I am in 'role' of trainer, I relax - that I
can do. Get admin out of the way - focus on job as trainer.
Mon 2 2hr trainings AM & PM.. 4hrs is okay..
Sat meal in SR w/Eric
Sun Peter Rowan bday BBQ @Nicasio..
ah, so yes.. all the things I wanted/want - yard, friends, skylight, life
in order - car, bills, savings.. all good, not how I expected! Of
course not! But got it all - fulfilled wishes are pleasant.. sex is
the big problem, ultimate desire, and there's no way (most of us)
will ever get enough.. as early Berkeley joker man said,
"The more you fuck, the more you want to fuck!" So anxiety about that, etc
- normal, unavoidable. It's okay.. we are built to survive not
getting all pleasure and sex we want..
But there's no value in beating ourselves up over stuff that doesn't
Mental anticipation/prep for training affecting sleep - take more time to
get it all together at work, so I can leave it there. Last night
just 1 hit of the new indica - 2-3his I was waking up groggy..
Finished Chitlin Circuit book, gave to Marketing friend Peter R, who
appreciates rock music.. picked out E Leonard western novel.. fun!
Breath. Relax. I like touching *s pussy. Tempted sometimes to pay a
girl to let me touch her.. but without love, it's kinda useless and
painful. Some part of pleasure of nude photography was touching a
girl - with: eyes, ears, pheromones, control (money, vocals
commands), occasional fingertip adjustments - so yeah, maybe, and
safe - no emotion, no lies - that part was understood at some level;
model also was in on that enjoyment, being seen, treated like art,
told how to pose, enjoyed in naked non-sexual innocence - what was
"Usually if one is naked with another person it is for sex; to be
naked with another person to make art is a rare, unique pleasure."
Up @6:30, wank, smoothie in backyard, shower, Nomad morning
coffee/internet, decent shit, work. 8:07am.
Thu July 5.18 nm
Wed was fun.. kind of floppy, stoned sleep.. but got some..
beautiful day, bit of bad air from Yolo fires.. hit the yard late
Mostly chop back sidewalk stuff to free up space.. cut back pretty far,
but looks good, not hacked at.. tidy.. filled green bin.. Buff/DJ
came out, showed them recent additions (Zinnias, mini-pumpkins),
suggested we water less (cucumber leaves turning yellow), showed how
mini-red rose had gotten taller (has been hidden by lower buffacado
foliage), took red solar lights off buffacado (where they barely
showed), placed them in side path, strung in trees, wrapped around
side gate.. (checked them last night, they look very cool!).
Quick nap ~2, shower, salad - lv ~3 for Nicasio zydeco show.. more
impressed this time.. it's a dance party, so it's good time dance
music - not gut-bucket authentic bla bla - Mike (of the front
counter) sang a couple and rocked!, and Bob's wife sang a few - good
times.. yeah, 1st set was good, 2nd set they took off further.. 2
top shelf margaritas, 2 bottled waters, pulled pork & salmon combo..
dropped by car during break (?) for 1 hit of indica to see how that
went.. seemed fine, barely noticed.. chatted with folks behind me
etc.. when I arrived I'd poked around for various places to slip
into, but it was crowded, some made noise about having gotten there
early.. Angela placed me in front of 2 women who were cool about
it.. later in the day, near the end, a RN worked woman told me
"Angela said we should just hold a place for you (since we know
you're going to come)" - aww.. benefits of being a regular, who
obviously loves the place and spends my hard-earned $$ there..
IMs w/niece Lisa between sets - she in Napa, might need a recommendation
from me for job.. video clip to LJ.. many little contacts I'm barely
aware of that fill the cracks and are real life - between the wake
-up, shit, shower, shine, job, eat, sleep... ha ha..
Yard looking good.. leave side weed-whacking for Buff - July 12 big pick
up for small fridge next to cottage and Sooz's roof rack in
Cleared out books/clothes previously.. CD drawer next.. anything beneath
bed can go out? I know Hi-8 videos/screen need to get from beneath
book shelf to beneath bed.. but I don't do it.. hmp..
Okay.. nice mid-week break July 4 holiday..
yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Wed July 4.18 nm
"nite - think about me while you play with the V ;-P *"
"Maybe--have to concentrate too much--wait--I did the last time. Just
remembered. I couldn't tell you."
Saved conv Chrissie Cata July 2012.. 6yrs ago almost to day. Can't pick it
to pieces, one reason, one event - vacation. Our reconnect was part
of whole life facebook, my photos, dealing with strong sexual
feelings in reconnects, how to deal honestly but respectfully,
connected to Frida w/gun.. which cam first? Dunno. Doesn't matter..
life goes one, happening while we make other plans.. this breath
nomad chair typing.. life.. all around.. within, without..
From the early, early mornin' till the early, early night
You can see miss Molly rockin' at the house of blue light.
Not necessary to be too hard on oneself - 'course Mom&Dad were w/their
religion, things mattered - everything mattered! -
their eternal souls were at stake.. words.. like folk wisdom: live
like this is your last day, but plan for long life. Maybe there is
no God or afterlife, but to live like there is gives focus.
“Depend upon it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
it concentrates his mind wonderfully.” Sam Johnson
But once the child sees through the lie - the use of foolery with such a
serious subject - trust is forever damaged.
Reconnect with Chrissie went well, one might say. After initial caution -
worked through teenage pain/sexuality/confusion - to adult comfort,
understanding, sharing, flirting, generating to creative.
communicative, humorous healing energy. We both got to work through
so much, made her life better - brought in some light - before she
died Jan 2013.
Reconnect w/Pat Kolirak not as well - or - one might say - perfectly -; we
got to look at it, was not correct, as in 71-72. , I was slower to
get it, she not interested as I'd hoped in first down pant leg
orgasm during our tight hugging on concrete Coffee House steps
winter waiting for Mom - she said 'nope! to me and my ideas'. I
respected that. Good, disappeared. No regrets.
LynRos - UCD - much more intense.. in end I was not interested in physical
consummation, mostly fulfillment via titillation/controlled
space/wish fulfillment . Disappointment on her end - slowly I learn,
words matter. Intense sexual shares. Long macro videos.
Also Lindie from UCD.. G's girl.. rebound.. my kindness & memories of 1980
sexual vibes misunderstood as present interest - I thought I should
be open to it - but needed to learn not to be too open when there's
so much uncertainty/physical/cultural distance.
Mainly I did not build ego on these shares/reconnects - I was happy for
Anyway... Tues 6hr wk day.. today free.. perhaps some yard work,
afternoon BBQ Zyedgo..
Phone chat w/Sooz last night,, we both tired.. talk about Karen's move to
KL - local bird activity, yards, music etc - plan visit ~3rd/4th day
of OR trip in 2 weeks..
Budget in decent shape.. extra $$ from Mom/Dad, couple K from GT pic, 3
paycheck June.. being less generous in general... ~82 actual.. 77
post-predictable expenses - ~90 EOY, 23 PTOs, use 10 for OR, earn 10
more by EOY.
Good to sit, stew/soak in memories - what comes to mind - is it real? Was
real to me.
Sinking into quiet time, quiet working class life.. all good. I'm a good
fit. Do not hate myself for things I am not. Love myself for doing
well as best Robert I know how.
Home.. yard needs attention.. I need to pay attention to yard..
Last night, 2x new pot - pretty dopey (?), had colored lights going and
blue lamp.. drop out ~10:30.. too doped to get up turn out lights..
~1-2am finally did it.. slept well overall till 7.. super chill..
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Do I want a woman's attention - maybe yes/no - but note examples listed
above - I learned to watch out for need for female/sexual/mothering
attention, and hesitate when I see myself about to play that card.
Good. Learning. Not an asshole.
Mon July 2.18 nm
Yellow glow yesterday morning ash on cars last night - fires in Yolo
Spent much of afternoon in bed, internet, napped - errands/yard tidy done
Sat, a day off to chill - nice! Popped 1/2 Viagra just
because it was there.. yep.. random erections during day.. put
another nose strip on last night (after one last week with lots of
gunk!), very little pulled out - which just goes to show..
~5 downtown to same Shattuck sushi as Sat afternoon - which seems
to have gotten better? - Salmon teriyaki, sake & flaming fire roll..
actually on fire for ~5-10mins.. that was fun.. trying new things..
tasty & warm! 1/2 Priced books & choc gelato.. because I wanted to..
Weekends for getting away from work, letting mind go.. inevitable
stress of work/boss/church/parents/father issues.. getting high..
can't be on work mode all time...
Woke ~3am stressed - some kind of 'caught in affair' stress dream,
chastised by annoyed lover - "you're going to be heard", with work
stress dream - don't recall details - woke thinking I'd been awoken
by something is real life.. noisy raccoons on roof? Two specific
stress points.. alongside general low-key "what ifs" everyone deals
with.. all quiet on the Nuria front..
I guess all employees kept on edge, fear of failing at job.. required to
do something they can't, pushed beyond capabilities, Peter
Principle.. 'reach highest level of incompetence'? that's what I'm
feeling.. normal.. does not mean anything is wrong.. just doing
admin organization I have to learn, that does not come naturally..
it's okay. I do my job well; learning new stuff pretty quickly.
Sun July 1.18 nm
Sleep ~11pm - woke ~8am weird overcast yellow glow, similar to Sat
dusk.. heat wave bad air? A bit dream-like - tried the new India
last night - did not note much high, but maybe more than I
realized.. Buff said it got him plenty high (we chatted in backyard
late afternoon, and he asked for a hit)..
Asian hardware for goggles, whacker string, light bulbs - put whacker
together, it works - kind of intense w/out protector hood, gets job
Rent check taped to back window.. 570.. 350 20yrs ago when I first moved
10:17am - can do anything - head north for meal with Eric.. or yard
work/more cottage cleaning. Drive might be okay, see Eric? Chill
also okay. Hmmm... head home, eat, then think... could even run over
to Nicasio for afternoon show (Blues Broads/Sons of Soul Revivers)
tho I am not thrilled by idea.. good to have options, in case
feel need for activity..
Getting rid of large ceramic abalone shell; chopped Ficus, that grew
large, back to leafless stump.. I expect it'll grow out.. planted
three plants in front yard: Australian bush w/pretty red flowers,
sage where old sage was, mini-pumpkins in front of cucumbers.
Okay. Home. Eat.
Papen + West wall.
Sat Jun 30.18 II
Good day so far
Worked front yard late morning: cleared out dried day-lilies (salmon
flowers), raked, chopped back buffacado tree, pulled lots of Bermuda
grass, watered, weeded, esp around roses etc.. nice, looks great!
Water back. IMs w/K at party/day of move to KL. Bank deposit @2K
GT/FB check, $300 cash; Telegraph/People's Park - on way pass memory
spot, church where I slept w/out sleeping bag, Adrienne's place, how
I moved in too soon 1st night back from Boston, her cute ass,
standing with her back to me and me in bed not getting hard at sight
- like I thought a man should - wishing it was that easy and fun;
drop off 4 shirts @ Park - guy on bike right there grabbed heavy
green one; Farm Mkt - big immigration rally, got perfect parking cnr
of Mkt, 2 dozen eggs/basket of raspberries/3 fun plants for front
yard; back to Telegraph, Peet's mocha frap - it's a hot one! - good
parking all day, walking past the homeless hostiles around park -
Moe's, rare books top floor - sit in staircase trying to get a photo
- hungry! Shattuck sushi place - salmon teriyaki/dragon roll/soup & cold
sake - did the trick - wanted more alcohol, stop at rock club on
corner - Cornerstone? - almost looked like fun - small!! Full bar!
Decided not to drink more - yuck. Bowl for salad.
Now check weed
whacker for size, back to hardware store for key copy, sponge,
plastic weed hacker string & protective eye goggles.
I note that office/work politics not distracting me from doing what I want, making
progress, taking care of my life & friends, having fun/good luck.
Therefore it is not a big deal.
Sat Jun 30.18 nm
nice beautiful morning, woke up bit cranky physically anxious - smoothie
in backyard bird songs hummingbirds in tree limbs - because no
dinner? that's okay - but yes, hungry - that's all - eat -
small things today: sponges, copy front house backdoor key, deposit $2K
GT/FB check... visit Port Costa - 35mins away.. just for something
to do? or, get new plastic wire for weed whacker and whack away..
time to take off dad's wedding ring? yeah
Walking stick in trunk
get rid of work neg scanner?
keep getting rid of cottage stuff - I have too much - erase dry/erase
board.. lose more shirts unworn for years.. more CDs gone... get rid
of big abalone shell, and wall hanging (?) bought in Occidental
while sugared up..
9:18.. let's go
Thought about JB this morning, tried to call up sexual memories, at all,
for wank - but no - one-off brief bathroom suck, mostly failed attempts/massages/showers..
all good, but not hot sex not at all, I was so painfully frustrated,
so fiercely attracted, but it was not meant to be.. we were never
meant to be a couple.. my desires overshot our compatibilities.. normal -
N&J threesome at gig house bedroom in
which I am studly still works.. no, with JB it was never fleshy love
like with JAA with whom all things were available to exploration..
JB was friendship with a few benefits (mostly nudity, massage,
modeling, cuddling) - I only hurt/confuse myself (as I did then) to
think it was ever more than friendship that slipped into
sexual-tinged playfulness, which - as Shalini noted - is a bad idea.. we were young, that's what goes.. no whining here
please.. had good times, for a while were good friends.. remember
good.. out with bad.. inseparable.. indistinguishable.. times,
Fri Jun 29.18 7:18pm laundry
Check arrived for GT/fb photo.. $2,000, so ~1,300 <tax,, .. ~1,500 <tax
more to come. Haha! as Gui said, photo making us more than anyone
made in band.! Made a few grand off the Frida/Patti pic, too.. okay.
It's a pretty cool, good experience.. appreciate my luck, for
myself, for Karen & Xo (some Frida $ went to them), and for rest of
GT members. I told them a bit..
"I got more on the initial payment -
before I had a chance to think about it, I took what they offered -
after that I insisted on more $$ and that everyone get equal amount"
"and tho I 'created the photo' it was a group effort,
and that's how I'm approaching the compensation"
Good to put that out there I suppose - sine they may have assumed I was
getting more. Since it's a group effort, and we're a team of sorts -
fair to be transparent, let them know how I view it. Clarity avoids
resentments, no matter how minor.
Getting big CORE training at work together - all spread of info done by
Mon: get on staffing D-List, TV ads, email to whole office, Conf
Rooms booked through Aug, etc. Did a 1hr solo today with IT
expert - fun, he very appreciative.
Karen moved to King's Lynn with Xo today. Big move!! WTF. Wow.
Toy wooden kitchen sink/cupboards on way home.. new backyard deco.
Called internet places - who holds website and domain name - got that paid
Now I'll have food, laundry done, bills, rent & cc's paid, 3 paycheck
month and an extra paycheck's worth for GT pic. Be happy. Enjoy,
celebrate life's little moments of being okay. Okay? Okay. Very
Fri Jun 29.18 nm
I type up a paragraph of work-related stuff, hone/edit - delete.. good to
put it down, not record it :-D
Letting go, not hanging onto resentments..
Thu <wk Bowl for berries, 2 salads, pudding, hemp milk, etc - eat
salad, bed ~9, 3 hits high-CBD, Godzilla clips, sleep ~10:15-5:30..
snooze till 6:30.. feel okay..
Payday, in past might give xtra 3-payday month check to K&Xo.. she is
pushing back.. I'm keeping more, and think I'm seeing it in my
savings.. growing.. don't remember.. close to 90 EOY? Whatever -
cc's paid off, no debts, low rent, cool cottage, yard & housemates..
was feeling post-WEF isolation worries, better now.. settling into
my usual low-key quiet life.. recalling that excitement comes at a
cost.. that this is good!
Yay. Love. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Every day I suppose it's an affirmation that this life is good; difficult
people (e.g., at wk) does not change that.
Meal with Eric this weekend.. Sonoma coast first?
Short week - 6hr day Tues, Wed July 4 off.. Mon
probably real quiet?.. well, jobs from EMEA.. ?
This weekend.. laundry? Groceries? Yard work - might be good to do a huge
weeding! Trimming with spinning wheel thing.. hedges out front..
8am.. lv in 10mins.. lv cottage 8:20, arrive ~wk 8:55.. 35min commute..
reading Chitlin Circuit book, checking out music in youtube.. fun
stuff! Having a Little Richard moment - obsessed.. I begin to get
I notice I've stopped putting naked ladies in here.. a good sign..
Thu Jun 28.18 nm
Early to wk Wed for call, <wk Plough burger/beer/A's game, Matt
Piucci comes in - been talking about meeting for years (?), nice
long chat, some of it heavy of course, Gil-related mainly, joining
Rain Parade, benefit concert in NC, MQ saying Gil was changed by
random eye-busting attack which, at 1st thought, seems correct -,
Photo Bob on album cover, what Gil said about Matt - those 2 shared
some sort of thing that neither understood - brothers of different
mothers - ,things needed to be said and heard. Probably a lot of us
who Gil loved had hesitations, because he gave love to so many -
need to hear what he said privately - that some were, not loved more
than others, but were.. variously special and appreciated.
So that happened. Needed to happen obviously - both ready - 1.5yrs after
Gil died - time.
No BBQ music this weekend.. SR meal? New guy taking over big new-hire
training week before vacation; makes me think I will be doing
vacation. Plan for it. 4 days to get to Oside if I want; 3.5 days to
get home. Visit Sooz.
Sleep last night n~10:15..? Woke - checked.. ~3am.. ~4.5hrs.. then
snooze/doze/sleep till 6:30.. now I check when I wake up to see
what's up.. 2.5 beers - worried, so 2 big glasses of water, 1/3 of
WF chicken burrito, 1 Advil.. seem okay, just a bit groggy - eat
something at work before late morning training.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Protect my mental and psychic space. I'm
Tue Jun 26.18 nm
@Wk: dept hrs 7-6:00pm.. no more evening hours.. interesting..
global network? No one told us (didn't tell the Sun guy), we
all learned from SF office email, which was unclear/lacked details -
like new dept hours. Poorly done. So there's now 5 of us ~8-6 M-F..
there won't be enough work, unless - and I assume they do - have
something in mind, like we take global jobs.
Sleeping pretty well, ~10:30-6:30, tho usually awake ~5.
Nice backyard chat w/Buff/DJ, returned from OR seeing perfect
Yard looking well - scruffy - needs serious weeding..
And.. I'm in delicate transition from: things happening, things to look
forward to - Blues fest, WEF... to quiet times.. reminding myself
that quiet times are desirable.. that when work was getting crazy,
after Mom died and I was having trouble dealing, I yearned for quiet
serenity.,. nothing happening.. this is reality too.. quiet times
with little action, not much socializing is also reality.. there is
no other.. grass is always greener etc.. this is good. Don't worry.
Be happy. Through year it was nice to have something to look forward
to. Now is just quiet - and that is good. I like quiet. Breath into
Inhale. Exhale. Chill.
New pot very mild, but I think I detect painkilling/body relaxing CBD
effect. And am sleeping through night. If it's psychological, I'll
Chitlin Circuit book really good!
yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Mon did 3hr training in 90 mins with mixed group of new hires, lots
of questions/interaction/eye contact, laughs, intro, got to most
everything, applause at end.
Thinking/fantasizing about *, nice morning erection, wank. Good.
Love the morning light in cottage.
Put vid cam/ screen/wires/remote under bed - I want 90s hi-8 videos to
have value - over weekend, realized, maybe they don't, not to me,
not to anyone else. Oh. Dang.
Mon Jun 25.18 nm
Sun - and Sat - tidied cottage/yard etc - feels good -
Sun ~2:30 lv for Nicasio Beatles BBQ, bring bag of books, health
wrist thing, cascading water thing, ~7pairs of 1.5 reading glasses -
lv on book shelf.. seen Sun Kings ~4x so not *exciting*, but
entertaining, certain songs - Guitar Gently Weeps, I Am The Walrus,
Little Help From My Friends - were exciting, beautiful.. 2 sipped
marguerites with bottled water, chicken.. dance a bit to Back In The
USSR.. yes.. good time.. cool marine layer came in 1/2 way through..
Stop @WF sushi breakfast (for today before unusual 1.5hr training),
burrito - dispensary for 2 grams of hi-CBD indica - had one hit to
test - not strong, slept from ~10:30-6:00, reasonable - could have
spent another hour in bed, up @7:30, but decided to have this time,
alone, at Nomad, which I value..
Yard looks good.. cottage looks cleaned up, fewer wires, more visibility,
less anxiety-creating papers by side of bed.. better, yes..
cool.. I did it for me, taking control of my environment give some
more control over life, mental processes, etc. It is not something
to do to 'improve' myself, prep for work, to get time back from
work.. it is tidying my garden plain and simple.. so that I can
relax, thrive, be fulfilled.. yes.. fundamental foundation settled
Quiet.. quiet.. feeling a bit isolated and alone.. post WEF?.. K moving
don't hardly hear nothing.. E an hr away, weekly calls from Sooz..
lack of Mom calls is part of it.. (large breath/sigh)..
Oh well, we all do what we can.. overall this is good, I am healthy,
mostly happy, secure in home & job, enjoy garden, friends, etc.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Jun 24.18 nm
Slept okay - restless pm, sleep ~11:30-7'ish w/snoozing till 8..
Sat: Nomad breakfast, pasted 80 erect hippie photo
into Frida painting pic, sent to a few...
- Water yard - 3" stick insect crawled out of succulent
hedge/photos to fb - , clip this/that, -
- bank for cash/quarters, FarmMkt strawberries/raspberries,
eggs, gas up/car wash inside-out (mold re-appeared),
organize back seat floor, toss old clothes/shoes from trunk, carwash
guy made me put movie projector back in trunk, Rockridge
Mexican place for lunch - drove neighborhoods, thought about
Big Shot Sue Drapela, wanted to explain effect of drugs I was
experimenting with on my behavior - , explore Rockridge storefronts
> Piedmont for revisit/reading glasses (6 cheap 2.0
pair.. less powerful useless), Peets for mocha smoothie,
several 'junk' antique shops, drive past 1st apt w/Shelley,
then Wayne Quitney apt, behind a fence now, recognizing
street names from 1975-6..
- home, re-tape headlight cover, cull car tapes, keep ~20
inside car/rest bagged in trunk, Amazon for new
tape/connector for iPod/phone holder stuck in cup holder, Rockridge
sushi dinner, light so late.. Buff/DJ in OR..
Nothing to do, lots done, including visiting various neighborhoods with
memories.. hot sunny beautiful summer day..
Combine JAA pics into montage to clear from folder, check
fb, must've unfriended her - fine - she knows how to reach me, it's
a dry well, my motives for staying in touch/ wanting contact
Misplace front house key.. hmm.. getting used to no Sunday calls with
Mom.. sad tho..
Beatles cover band at Nicasio this afternoon.. plan to tidy
cottage beforehand.. stronger pot from dispensary?
Current is useless.. bed clothes tossed around last 2 mornings..
Life is good. I'm good. I have value. I assert my value at work.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Post-parent perspective is positive, empowering, strong and joyful if I
can see it.
Later: Same day 1pm cottage
Move laptop stuff onto storage, including Mek sexy pics/videos, dig into
phone/Google - no longer store photo from phone onto Google storage.
Water/weed yard again, empty bins, go through bedside papers, toss, put in
pile for filing, etc, wank, lunch salad, shower/wash hair, re-make
bed, wrap/store Nan's quilt - one-quilt weather; vacuum, beat small
rug, bag ~10books for Nicasio, also ~6 pairs 1.50 reading glasses,
cheap fitbit watch, re-tape Dad's gold-covered box - about tossed it
last night - hit metal bin w/loud bang! Which I took as - no - Mom's
voice in my head: I took it, I keep it - it meant something to Dad.
Bedside now for in/out stuff.
Dishes done, bins emptied, papers organized, tossing some stuff, car
washed/gassed, tried to organize wires by bed - need ties to reduce
Wire ties. All these little things I care for to make my life more fun and
easy. Nothing to do with work. My life. Breath. Yes.
Sat Jun 23.18 nm
Slept all night.. had time at wk to prep for next week training so can
relax.. DJ/Buff in OR 4-days, good to have time alone on the
property.. load of laundry ;last night.. sleep ~10:30? Up ~7, stayed
in bed till 8:30.. so.. yes..
I know this.. procrastination creates anxiety affects sleep as mind
prepares for thing needs doing..
Watered back yard, flushed 3" stick bug out of Mexican succulent 'hedge'..
Keeping in touch w/Tessa (Nan's daughter) who had appendix out right after
arriving in CA..
Considered SR/Eric meal - sounds good, but not hours driving.. feels like
day to chill at home, work yard cottage Tilden etc.. take it east,
Farm Mkt strawberries, eggs, plants.. sat quietly in back yard last
night.. cool evening, long days..
Yes yes clean cottage, wipe down stove top, weed pile of papers on bed
ledge.. lots to do if I care to :-) nice to have the choice/time..
all mine today is..
Beautiful sunny day..
Life is sweet.
Fri Jun 22.18 nm
Maybe slept better last night.. ~6hr avg.. morning moment of happiness -
ork can be rough, Mom & Gil dead, I can still be happy -.. work
coming together, had The Talk w/ new boss, should be better going
Message: my POV deserves respect.. I know it.. got real positive feedback
on my training/knowledge etc
Longest day.. 3 weeks till vacation.. 2 weeks in Oregon.. DJ/Buff in OR
for long weekend, watch house, small laundry..
Maybe sushi w/Eric Sat
Finished Mr. Paradise (E Leonard), started Chitlin Circuit book..
All good.. new tumblr just for my photos - all nudes till now -
roberttorenphotographer.. why not? Setting up for potential
self-promotion if I retire.. pipe dream.. fantasy.. Etsy..
Still no payment for GT fb video photo.. email today..
Body good.. knee a bit weak, but not bad.. so weird, the mind..
9-5:30 works fine.. up 6:30, shower/smoothie, Nomad 7-8:10.. work..
Wed Jun 20.18 nm
Up 6:30 every day, wk @9.. not sleeping well after initial few hours (?)..
weary but functional, working class.. still.. work on mental state
before going to bed.. warm milk? Meditation?
Nice chat w/tired Sooz.. she looking better... she was glad to hear it..
getting over post-surgery mental/physical depression..
Only Wed.. bah! haha - reading, enjoying nature & live music on
weekends, typical working class life.. reading on train.. eating
healthy.. everyone sleepy... am wank thinking about Beth C sitting
on face, learning about sex, coming JAA's ass..
...what was I thinking? Sending JAA stills from 8mm 1980 sex movie.. I did
try to explain clearly what I was planning to send.. but 2 strips of
3 cocksucking stills? I was anxious to share sexual memories with
her.. hoping she'd say 'We had some good times!" Maybe she'd forgot
- could be! She did not know I had it, back then she wanted it, I
kept it because it would have hurt too much to not ever see it
again. I think her response was a bit shocked, wanted to make sure
they were not online in anyway associated with her name.. in that
regard she is perfectly safe.. except perhaps for them being in
emails to her... but I had mentioned that before! I sent them..
anyway.. no harm donw, but have not heard form her much since.. so..
done.. still, I hold onto contact, tho I think - and she knows - she
is a bit nuts.
Tue Jun 19.18 nm
Getting up @6:30 regardless of sleep.. shower/smoothie easy 20mins.. doing
10:30 to 3-4am?.. not enough REM sleep, enough to do job.. want
enough to feel rested !
Did a nose cleaning sticky strip.. got a forest of tiny pore towers..
Living without dreams, fantasies, tribal connections, illusions of youth
is a natural life change.. find good..
"You become what you resist. It is not personal."
Overcast.. longest days of year now.. normally I'd be in OR around now..
those long days cruising here and there are pretty cool - boring,
sometimes lonely, etc.. but.. edges of free time lets mind go
places.. this year.. dunno yet.. maybe last 2 weeks of July, unless
I'm needed.. teammates getting trained for hours, sharing info from
CHI, not telling me what's going on.. fine.. been here before..
never hurt me when that's how they want to play it.. show up on time
every day, do my job.. no one is complaining about my work or
training I do.. 'complaints' are about minor things.. harsh tone is
for such minor things - usually misunderstandings, or things I could
not have known.., obviously it has nothing to do with me, does not
reflect upon my work.. it's her trip, not mine.. don't attempt to
stop her going where she wants.. I become what I resist..
If I do go to OR last 2 weeks of July, that might be very cool yes.. I
sigh in anticipation.. time off yes..
Mon Jun 18.18 nm
"You become what you resist. It is not personal."
9-5:30 every day now going forward. Big work changes, along with big ppt
tool/training changes stressful of course.. relax mush as possible -
anxiety is result of fear of failure.
Sun lv ~noon for Olampoli - fairly easy drive, sunny day.. felt
almost no connection/nostalgia for my past there.. 40 years..
1977-78 worked dig there.. I was.. 23'ish.. got to college late..
started Laney winter of '76.. Olampoli dig summers of '77-'78. ~24
when I got to Davis. Lovely day tho, pbj on drive, salad in big bowl
in parking lot, stroll usual loop - throw rocks into stream targets,
testing hand-eye-brain-distance-body-trust.. lizards.. one tiny,
skinny black snake.. lush green, knee okay just small soreness..
~3 head to Nicasio, that lovely drive, arrive ~4, packed, park in spot by
baseball field.. low chair in aisle.. first all guitar band good
(loud!), salmon BBQ, 2 margaritas & bottled waters.. Elvin Bishop
band good, didn't matter at all I saw them just last week in
Low & a bit stressed all day.. felt better when music distracted.. that's
what it does.. the 'live'-er, louder, funnier the better.. life in
just generally stressful, what with dying and such.. don't lay all
my stress on daddy issues/bosses.. economic system stressing me
out - life -, not individuals in system.. it is not personal..
do not resist.. don't passive aggressive analyze try to outthink
it.. it doesn't work.. The System says "Work, or starve, or
die without health insurance." It does not think, or debate. Work or
Nu (Mex/Ital artist) ria & I exchanged thoughts.. been very quiet, both
working a lot, early heat cooled of months ago.. there's nowhere to
go.. we not going to be lovers/fall in love etc - fantasies were
always fantasies,,, fun.. but.. anyway.. escapism, for a while I was
minor celebrity, viral Frida montage, Scott photos being used, my
nudes on private facebook page.. without being cruel or cold we
acknowledge "it" is over.. we can still chat share etc but daily
helloes prob over.. okay.. I like her & her art..
Almost 8.. lv ~8:15.. see if I get to work @9.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Jun 17.18 nm
General anxiety this morning - changes at work naturally stressful, &
anxiety causes mild depression/fear - really it's small stuff
(compared to say health issues) there is no genuine threat of losing
livelihood - breath, breath.. let go.. if plan to do Olampoli/BBQ
stressful, skip Olampoli, relax at home--but fresh air stroll, back
roads cruise sounds good! Life is good. My life is real cool.
If I died right now, people, friends could say: he had good friends,
loved/supported his god-daughter, was grateful to her
mother for honoring his love, did his best with Family
relations, had a job he enjoyed, had some success and 'fame'
with his photography/photoshop - esp Frida with gun -
enjoyed gardening, created w wonderful yard space, was
generous with friends in need, enjoyed nature hikes,
biking, reading, music, dancing, live
music festivals & summer BBQs, did not drink (to excess) or
smoke, sushi!, funny/clever, after DUI got his act in
order - years in AA, worked to be a good employee - ,
appreciated his Alma Mater, visited one long weekend
/year for music/arts festival, appreciated opportunity to train
at his job (after being told for years he'd be good at it), did his
best at work and with friends, despite being introvert tried to
avoid isolating, ate healthy, did his best to be
present with dying friends (Gil) Mother, Father, keeps eye on
budget, tries new things, very grateful for
kindness from friends, quality time on coast..
See? I'm not just 'not screwing up', I'm doing well.
Front yard looks good, base of food plants turned over, watered,
fertilized.. zinnias in a row.. Sat ~6 Rockridge sushi boat -
hungry! -2 large hot sakes,, ordered cooked salmon plate, they
forgot, I said 'no prob, but never mind gotta go', chef made me a
quick hot salmon sushi - really good! Yum.
Created new tumblr for my photos, esp old nudes.
Happy Godfather's day on fb from K, goodbye photos of UK back yard, please
come take furniture.. move in 2 weeks..
10am.. home shower, hit road with salad, Olampoli - grateful that knee
feeling better - give new boss a break, cut her slack, do not take
it operationally she treats everyone same, then music and food in
Nicasio Valley.. cool..
Sat Jun 16.18 nm
Fri <wk big laundry, getting rid of old clothes, reading E
Leonard's Mr. Paradise.. waiting for plot to settle then you realize
you're halfway through - that is EL's style - sleep ~10:30-8am,
rollercoaster videos, versions of Puccini's Nessun Dorma from
Turandot.. coffee & breakfast sandwich at Nomad -
Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ, today I'm thinking Olampoli & backroads
drive, maybe a small hit of pot.. groceries.. bills paid
Next week start 9-5:30 every day
K packing to move to King's Lynn, big pick up early July to get rid of old
small fridge & Camry roof rack
Tasted first raspberry from front yard - yummy sweet! - helping cucumber
tendrils find cage, tomatoes look happy!
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. This is a good life. My life is good. No
Noticing the naked ladies in this here 'blog' - public diary - whatever
the fuck it is.. it's the good weather.
I am feeling a little lonely/isolated right now - Sooz busy in OR w/her
life/unhappiness/health, K busy moving/E troubles, Buff is a bright
spot when we see each other, Mexican artist N is a light touch - it
is slowed down and quiet.. there's not much social life, and almost
none here in town.. sad if I think about it.. but common.. I cherish
what exists because of that.. yet this seems to be my (and
many others') nature, I vaunt to be alone..
Boy gloomy all day - from jelly beans sugar before sleep? If a cranky boss
is my biggest concern in life, then I have no complaints - it's a
quality problem, I have a job. So focus on the good, count my
Decided on Olampoli tomorrow, backroads to BBQ - sounds great! Farm Mkt,
lunch, asked Spiral garden guy about fruit trees (Myers lemons/blood
orange), they need fertilizer 4x/yr! "They eat a lot!" Went
got some, also several of those amazing flowers(?) used to have in
front, stopped at Bowl for salads, bananas, raspberries, just
weeded, planted, massaged fertilizer into all fruit plants
front/back, extra water: blueberries, raspberries, cucumbers,
tomatoes, strawberries - now sit back and watch patiently. Beautiful
Thu Jun 14.18 nm
grr, cranky.. offered to cancel summer vacation mid-July so as not to
Starting Mon 9-5:30.. I'll miss late mornings, but not bad, not
like 8am in. All good. It's a job. Do not resist. Getting high
praise for upgrade trainings - counts for a lot - high visibility,
appreciation for my flexibility (scheduling and timing) - all good.
Visited Summer interns w/questions, seemed happy to see me - I
connected with them. Fun.
Blue fest memory morning sitting on hillock overlooking river & trees with
old friend.. the best..
Karen moving to King's Lynn, Xo freaking out, me sending love, Blue
helping out.. E in Scotland.. damn...
Looked at finances, looking good, 3 paycheck month, I think Blues fest
cost less than anticipated/cushion.. cc's paid up.. cash in car..
everything good in that regard..
Misplaced BBQ tickets, called company, they re-sent.. cool - I have ticket
for sold-out Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ and many others..
Use mortality/sadness/human condition to encourage myself to enjoy time I
have.. help others.. I think I do..
Curious/bored downloaded Mamabliss obscene snuff comics again.. scanned
before sleep.. is that why sleep was rough, sweaty? - because I hate
them.. ugly.. nightmarish.. yet nudity appeals.. no more.. I
knew it, but curiosity got better of me..
That's better, a pretty photo of a pretty girl I liked who liked me..
Eric's house of sin haha..
Wed Jun 13.18 nm
1st day back from River music fest, rough back at wk, but got through it,
2 trainings - 1 spontaneous 1hr w/top team & Partner/Director who
all loved it, Director personally picked up my lunch falafel,
brought it to me. Yay. I think to remain healthy - physically &
mentally, I need to go to work, do my best, come home, lv work at
work best possible - I will not be able to get everything done in a
timely fashion; but make a bullet list, prioritize, work through
Starting both days at back hillock overlooking river before music
started.. sunny, but not too hot in early June (as it can be in
Sept) very very nice, simply sitting quietly enjoying moment and
company, anticipation.... going into town for sushi lunches,
checking golf course (closed).. cool...
Wk boss asked us for phone #s home address - address seems a bit intrusive
- but, look at reality - if I want to work there I have to obey
requests from boss - boss is boss - boss has to do what her boss
says, upwards, onwards forever - so just do it - no whining, no
passive-aggressive delays - if it becomes intrusive etc, then push
back, but choose my battles wisely. Things were loose and sloppy
under Taf - which had its own downside - now more like a real job.
Right knee feels much better after relaxing getaway weekend - going up and
down stairs like crazy. Nice.
Salad dinner, sit with Buff in backyard chairs chatting - blue and red
lights on cottage - very nice - bed early - ~10-7:30...
I again have misplaced Rancho Nicasio tickets - don't know if I have one
for this Sun's sold-out Elvin Bishop BBQ - look, and look
online to see if I have account list.
1 month till 2 week OR vacation. Not too late to cancel.
Being an artist is great!
Mon Jun 11.18 gville cottage 9:50am
Eric split ~30mins ago - chilling - showered, breakfasted, mostly packed..
beautiful morning.. work stress, but less - boss barely n mind.. all
bosses have bosses have bosses have bosses, & shit runs downhill -
just how it is.. there is no other world.. get used to it..
Work asks you to do too much - like asking for 55mph but know you'll
go 65.. so long as I'm doing my best, I can take pride in my work.
Yes, 4-day vacation.. with friends - 9th year! Cool. Some good, some not
so - always a good refreshing time to remember what's important:
friendship, relaxation, music, nature's beauty..
~1.5 beers Sat - pop music.. meh.. checked putt-putt golf, closed!
Owner died? For sale? Nice walk tho - perfect weather all weekend!
Eric & I have a comfortable flow. Front row seats - "Swag bag"
(poster, free local newspaper) and hanging neck thing - lanyard? -
was bullshit - we joked about it at front table, but front row seats
at far left were actually kinda nice.
Sun started good, snuck into sitting area behind wine garden, comfy
chairs watching river - pretty Australian black slacks/white blouse
playing rock blues w/good bar band - then Elvin Bishop
threesome did some excellent blues, like his playing/guitar
tone/himself, got up close yes makes a difference seeing his hands -
after got a tshirt and awkward handshake. Taj Majal - 1.5 beers for
him - so good! Transcendent - they were enjoying themselves, didn't
want to stop, but oh, my yes he is son damn good. Outdoors, cool
breeze, all guitar - blue sky - being close yes. Stepped out for
Those two sort of blew us out - Robert Cray is good, is a bit Pop/Blues -
Eric Burdon /Animals did all his hits, can still sing - We Got To
Get Out Of This Place great song.. Deanne Franklin setting up
Burdon's monitors - called out her name - "I'm Photo Robert!" - we
blew each other kisses - she looks good - seeing Burdon like seeing
Mount Rushmore.. we stayed far back on a grassy hill - most all of
it too loud for our old ears - we liked the old guys doing old Blues
- Elvin Bishop & Taj Mahal brought it home - they have real folk
history in their playing.
Watched Deadwoods at night - ate plenty - kept beer to minimum.. 2.5 for
me Sun, a beer or two makes dancing easier - but poured out
last half during Burdon's set.. why bother. Not into intoxication
for its own sake.
Cheeping bird snacking on my breakfast tray on the porch.
So.. 9th year! 2010 our first at Dawn Ranch. 2011 this cottage. 2012
This weekend started with me feeling pretty down.. parents dead (Mom died
~6mos ago, and still missing Gil) - mortality in my face, makes us
mammals sad - mild depression caused by work anxiety, asking for
more than possible - failure unavoidable. Yeah but - still - don't
stress small stuff. Do my best, and I'm okay. My health is good - so
long as you have your health, you're okay. Knees were tender but
fine all weekend & slept well - 7hrs/night. Had some mocha energy
drinks from hippie store.
I will adjust. I'll be okay. Everyone has to deal with the
sadness/meanness (said Mom) of death/own mortality - it's a new way.
I can still be happy. Mom was depressed, loved calls from her
children. I'm sad about Gil, his network binds closer together for
support. This is a good life - all lacking is immortality :-D. One
must get on with it. There is no hope, no solution. Acceptance is
Big questions about the human condition we all must face.
Yeah? Yeah. Nice.
~1980 when I'd switched major from painting to photo? 10:30 - into town
for espresso, hippie store for chocolate drinks - what to eat? Down
coast, inland at Tomales to backroads maybe... nice.. free day which
I earned.. sitting here, in the last hour of cottage is nice.. good
shower this morning.. even the hotel coffee tasted good.. :-)
Sat Jun 9.18 gville am
Johnson beach party today - next year back to Jazz/Blues weekend.
Left ~noon Fri, some bad traffic - no rush, comfy car & music
helped.. stop at fruit stand for smoothie stuff etc.. gville ~2? So
good to be here, beautiful, almost cried with relief - made it...
nap/sleep till ~4 Eric arrive - into town for dinner, but hadn't
eaten & lasagna is not really nutritious - had my 1st Moscow Mule -
yummy! Walk over to beach, through gate, flat area w/comfy cool
chairs by wine garden, sit chill listen to sound check echoing off
forest valley hills...
Sleep well I think ~11-6.. up 8, motel bkft, smoothies w/Eric.. quiet
relaxed.. bumming a bit on work stress/impossibility of working 2
full-time jobs - it did not stop me from getting her, having fun,
living my life, all of us are in same boat - coffee eggs/bagel
helped.. if a bit of food helps, then it's no big deal - We hear
sound checking in distance..
Okay.. check out this scene...
Fri Jun 8.18 nm
Ahh - 4 day weekend, cottage in gville, music fests by river.. thank you
Karen for connoting me to Buff, DJ & cottage - thanks all around for
life, leisure, lessons, job, family, schooling, etc.
After wk Fri just chill @hm, salad dinner, cheese/bread snack..
sleep ~11, sleep deep/well till ~7, feel refreshed.. smoothie, weed
front sidewalk trying to make succulent bed - some are 'taking' -
Fri took care of everything at work: phone, email, respond to
training requests etc - Fri afternoon training went well I
Having all - not only work - bills, laundry, yard, etc - taken care of,
now on cruise.. but engaged, not escapist.. 4+
days to chill.. nice time span.. this is a nice moment.. I earned
it, deserve it, work/planned for it, including taking a chance to
invite friend Eric.. yes... lovely cool sunny morning..
pack shower water yard.. don't forget anything.. tickets, blender,
clothes, chargers, toiletries, pot pipe (if I even smoke at all) -
food from Safeway.. Stop for cash on way out of town.. Uber cc from
drawer (been leaving it at home as backup in case lose wallet)..
body feels good - took Ibuprofen last night..
Read "statistic" - only ~20% over 65 working full time? Or was it 20% work
'gig' jobs? To supplement Social Security, or to supplement
full-time jobs? Nah - just researched more - they try to cushion it
a bit, but hard fact is you work till you die - healthcare is
expensive, finding a new job after 55 is hard.. even part-time..
just hang onto this job long as I can.. then deal with whatever life
hands you.. it's kind of scary -
.. but right now is good - tomorrow never comes... yesterday is a memory,
tomorrow is a dream..
Today, here, now - all is good, and next few days should be relaxing and
fun.. up to me to bring good attitude.. not river, or music, or
friend or anything.. me.. bring good attitude..
Bucket list.. woman to touch? Gotta be love comfort trust. When it comes..
the wait was worth it. Thank god the the quality love I have.
9:20 - home now.. shower pack.. lv before noon. Casual.
Looking for an opportunity to beat system, to not have to work, to act out
rebellious teen fantasies - back then when we do that we are just a
big pain in the ass till life kicks us enough we learn our lesson,
if we're lucky.. hoping to do that as adults is plain foolishness,
delusional - reality is we have to work to eat, live, see
doctor.. urge to rebel escape run remains,, but acting on it no
It's early June.. last 2 weeks of July I am out of here... that will cause
;problems at work. Should I consider cancelling summer vacation? Not
too late - cancel cottage and try for later in summer? Think on it.
I miscalculated. Thought we'd be further along by now.
Thur Jun.7.18 nm
It's been all work, eat, sleep for work so not much blogging this
week . . . organizing/doing trainings.. yikes! Feedback from
trainings good, small 2.3% cost-of-living increase -
Fri-Mon off - Sat Johnson Beach celebration party,
Blues fest.. Elvin Bishop, Taj Majal, Eric Burdon, Robert Cray..
looking forward to cottage, redwoods, river, Eric's company -
friend! - old friends... yay... gold... rest/relaxation/fun
with an events nearby.. cool.. maybe no alcohol Sat, why
bother with one beer? Feeling good over all more important then
2-3hours of alcohol-fueled 'excitement', loudness,
attention-seeking, etc. weather looks to be good.
It's not where I am, it's where I'm at. Be in a good space in
Gville. Don't count on the event/location to lift me up.
This morning: door latch jammed - oh, fly-swatter handle
jammed in it.. then, rolled a lemon down street, swung arm, whipped
jacket pocket full of quarters into my upper lip.. ow! Bleeding a
little.. ow! Nothing like smack in mouth to wake on up! A bit
depressing.. I want to be good and relaxed.. but life does what it
will.. don't detach, don't disengage.. relax, yeah, but stay
engaged with life..
..otherwise you miss little things, like fly swatter door jams and
pockets full of quarters.. damn! ow! yeah.. be engaged.. fear not..
Stopped at Plough for beer, Tue pm for burger & beer.. been
stopping at Plough after work for 1 IPA and/or food.. watch it.. but
for now, okay.
A bit anxious last night, will I sleep?, I said yeah, relaxed,
waited till I was physically tired.. seemed to have barely moved
from 10:45-6:45.. nice. Sleep.
K moving end of month.
Drawing a blank - everything is okay - roof, bed, food, savings,
car - bills paid - no debt - credit cards paid (just now) - tech
okay (phone/laptop etc) - cut back on daily facebook posts - just
finished (Cuba Libre / Elmore Leonard), not Dark Thirty, from L,
scary black folk tales - yard great: tomatoes, strawberries,
avocados, cucumbers, raspberries ( a few), blueberries - tiger
lilies - chairs to sit under overhanging trumpet flowers with red
and blue solar powered lights - yes, this is good - if I am
'unhappy' is it just life, aging, mortality - but really this is
very very good. A certain amount of misery is normal. Religion is a
Tomorrow I'll be in Gville - and I will still just be me. Whoever
that is. Self-image - keep good care and protect it. Valuable. No
one can damage it if I don't let them.
Sun Jun 3.18 laundry 7:08pm
So.. after Fri evening weirdness, post-work stress Plough
pizza 2 IPAs pass out under covers in work clothes.. slep ~9-10hrs
Sat in weird head space.. I have always feared not being
able to do my job, so have tried to excel in other things -
training, photos, photoshop, networking, helping.. now I must face
that original fear, sink or swim. Based on good annual review, I'm
fine. Current overload is global, no particular pressure on me to do
Sat showered, ate, biked to Telegraph, People's Park
World Music Fest.. bit out-of-it mentally - maybe I wanted to
stone loose mental day, a fuck it relaxed fuck it day - qawwali
music pretty darned good, saw/avoided Janis Owen who I knew way back
when, have avoided since, not 100% sure why, probably unrequited
lust resentment - borderline depressed/hungry stepped away for
salmon teriyaki/large sake, back for reggae - danced a lot,
enjoyable - cool! Mali music next - Telegraph pub in La
Fiesta bldg. They were good! I had 3 tequila drinks, chatted with
strangers, danced swayed grooved. Bought 2 CDs, chatted with main
guy, filmed part of one song that river-tranced me out - said to
other dancer - "That took me there." She agreed. South Berkeley is
scummy, yet there you go; it was there for scummy me when I needed
it in 73.
Biked home, stopped at WF for berries, pudding, bananas,
eggs, Pt Reyes travel food, etc.
Sleep ~11 - ? - after pudding cups, up ~6:30, stayed in dream bed
sleeping till ~9am. Catching up on sleep. And also having alone
Strong impulse for Reyes - a little scummy from the drinks
(don't do that next week!!) - concerned about knees but did
it - brought turkey sandwich, falafel balls with hummus, dried figs,
walking stick - lv ~11 - stop to shower - no sense strolling/ hiking
feeling scummy - Nicasio for mocha drink, tootsie pops, hello to
counter guy, art book from shelf -
- short 5-mile stroll: Meadow > Sky > Mt Wittenberg - w/side stroll
off peak to sit/relax nr horse trail w/nice view of Limantour -
lovely perfect day, not too hot, clear blue skies, light breeze,
birds, lizards - mind full of work stress - but as always, might as
well do it in a beautiful place.
It's not about her - it's about work being overloaded. That helps.
Not boss's job to be sympathetic.
This is a nice life - having a weekend w/free music, drive to Marin
for Reyes hikes, plenty to eat etc.
Adjusting to life with romance of life gone - Hello death!. Friends
- some are okay - but K & Sooz having rough times.
Figure get laundry done, so ready to leave Fri morning For
music, cottage weekend. Nice.
Almost 8.. can sleep in tomorrow. There is only one thing bad in my
life right now worrying me - work being hard and stressful - that is
all working class peeps' dilemmas - no complaining - hack it
out, get it done. No moping. Be a positive force.
Yes, thank you be good today.
Music, dance, I biked/hiked - that should be cause for
celebration! a month ago I thought those two activities were past;
laundry done, yard watered, deco lights arranged, car gassed, food
in fridge - next weekend music friend to look forward to. Thank
Sat Jun 2.18 nm
Fri tired after work - Plough
pizza, 2 IPAs, As on TV, bands sound checking - home, ~8:30 under
covers clothed for 'nap' - wake ~6:30 surprised to see work clothes,
lots of dreams, cottage door open - wank - snoozed till ~7:30?
The bigger job company gets, more global rules apply - for
everyone! -, less freedom, more oversight, more admin, less fun,
coloring outside lines etc - everyone more stressed during
transition - I got praise/approval for improvising/ proactive stuff
- those days are past - adapt to new strictness. Coolio. Training
has become more stressful - much more this summer - get it done,
hack it out. It's
not my fault people find the training module boring - I did
not create it.
Help to me accept things I cannot change, change
what I can, wisdom to know difference.
Found Liara Roux Int'l
escort pics again - she does cute sexy tease thing well - not enough
for me to pay, but enough for online searches to find what I can for
Berkeley world music fest today, and Shattuck closed?
Maybe Reyes tomorrow.
Okay - that was weird about Plough, 2 IPAs,
pizza, pass out/sleep in work clothes - maybe did not want to go
home to cottage feeling anxious about work, depressed about
emptiness of life outside work (?) - no - I think more, discussing
situation w/co-workers, depressed me about borderline bullying
from above. Feeling trapped. I keep thinking, must have approval for
harsh approach, but no - Interruptions, refusal to listen,
impatient, threats, always stopping just short of actionable
bullying. Not personal; consistently treats everyone beneath her
same. Lastly - if action's resulting effects on people are same as
effect of bullying - what's difference? Reasons called excuses.
Harshness called bullying. Fair enough. Had an incompetent lazy
boss. Now a competent sociopath. Yikes. hahahah
Okay - 10am - 2
espressos & breakfast bagel - home for smoothie - then free time
free time - yard, music.. whatever I like - nice.
Sat/Sun Guerneville beach party/Blues fest w/Eric -
Fri-Mon - good to have
4-day vacation. 3.5 days in cottage redwood grove by river.
I see upcoming 65 as end of work - it is not - I can
if I want -
Social Security & Medicare - but that's not reality. Get over
it. We work till we die. Bosses are annoying pricks/ thorns - but
they are not fatal
Liara Roux international escort and
now porn model. It's the haircut.
--- watered yard, long stakes
in tomato cage, we got raspberries!, working/watered succulents in
sidewalk bed, fixed bricks beneath backyard fence chair, re-arranged
red lights in backyard datura.. copied phone pics onto laptop, them
all new pics etc onto backup. My stuff. Tend to my garden.
birds chirp at me close-up, follow me to front yard - what do they
Thu May 31.18 nm
Wk: People out, calling in sick,
super busy globally, not experienced enough to do job & no time to
train them properly, too much going on, trying to do our jobs & also
train upgrade - we knew it'd be bouncy. We must use our best
judgment, be allowed to make mistakes. I'm fine - improvising
finally - setting up trainings without dotting every 'i'. Boss lady
seems to be easing off a bit? Sees I'm not fighting? Sees might be
easier working together without antagonism? See what happens.
Long days, nice weather, birds in backyard - sat w/Buff a while
last night chatting - been a while - been depressed about Gil & Mom.
Come up from under it.
Nice having hour or so to sit/chill,
private Robert time Nomad stage/throne, metal frame black stretchy
seating chair.. but an hour diff is slight.
S'all.. a nice
May it last.
But prepare for hard times.
Losing Gil & Mom are not anomalies - death is normal - the family is
what it is - there is no other nor better.
Is what it is.
yes. Thank you. Be good today. Stayed in bed till body was ready to
get up. Nice.
This weekend..? Try a hike/stroll? Slow down -
puts less 'bounce' on knees when I stroll vs. my usual fast walk.
1 week till 1st Russian River music party fest. Relaxation and