“Life's too short not to have some fun.”

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 Sat Nov 17.18 nm
 Man - like vacation for real now - checked bank & it's ~70.. tho don't relay on it - it will be drained.. $500 to Bragg next week, and maybe almost $1K WEF? geez... Hmmm..
 I'm assuming there'll be some sort of job in my future... something easy and close by for the old man.. Bain decades my peak earning years, as they say.. future will be in addition to Social Security & Medicare..
 Sleep ~Midnight - watching Lost clips and interviews.. woke ~6?! Snoozed comfortably till ~8:30.. some normal weepiness in morning, about life's strangeness, disappointments, etc - no biggy - I do not have religious serenity, making too much of it nor wallowing in self-pity..
 Air seems a little better - walked to Bowl last night for burrito, eggs, fruit, salad, soup.. plenty of food in house - cottage a mess, clean it today - yesterday was totally hang loose day and I enjoyed it.. IM'ing with Jude, not discussing visit to see Lynn/Jude pics yet.. a bit of tease: "Full of swimming holes along a river and wooded lands. Just let your imagination run wild there, ha ha, picturing the young Lynn and Jude frolicking."(!!).. and considering strangeness of situation (wanting to see old shots of her & Lynn at Davis pool), staying in touch till time feels right is correct. Part of me wants to offer my old selfies - but no - no weirdness, show I have self-control & am focused on comfortable desired result for both of us: I am asking something from her, not offering something to her. I am offering both of us intelligence, no bullshit, and interesting artsy experience. I told her old b&w pic she shred was sexy, esp considering how non-revealing it is, and sent 2 GT leather rock guy pics. She knows I have old pics of myself, all us artsy photographers do - she'll bring it up if interested. This is not about me looking for an opening for my pervy exhibitionism
 11:30 - breakfast bagel & mocha.. home soon for cottage work.
 Yesterday did yard trimming - almost every day a little.
 Write to Nia about new WIOA invite to NorCal EDD, to replaced missed meeting. :-(
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 Fri Nov 16.18 nm bad air day school closed
 Watched/skipped through City of Evil  - uhh.. well, parts were fun.. sleep ~11:30, till 6, then till 9..
 InDesign a go! Paid extra $95 - some shenanigans (did teacher add phantom students?), but I want the training, for time fill, schedule and info - Mac experience, refreshing, all yes. Also let's her/other teacher know I am serious, committed. Stopped in briefly on Nia, who indicated we may be able to do school 2019 before Jan.
 Thu am noticed air extra bad, got worse, on way home I could see lost visibility, feel in sinuses/lungs - subtle but real, scary - stopped for box of masks from Ace - gave 7 to DJ - then online notices came out that air was getting really bad, stay indoors, schools closed etc. I'm feeling a little dramatic, but it is bad.
 Sit around.. ~4-5 Plough for beers & pizza - yum!
 Booked $50 Bragg room M-W nights next week - drive up Mon, Tues/Wed enjoy coast, lv Thurs.. option to add day desired - in next days look into online classes teacher Alfred mentioned, and look on EDD site at schools, school info.
 ~10days off here to chill, relax, reflect, enjoy, be happy, clean/org cottage etc. I feel good about it - happy for time off, because feels like many irons in fire.
 If I'm willing to spend $500 on coast trip & $100 on meals with Eric, should I also buy $100 printer for lists?, or should I hold off/learn to rely on online calendars?
 Nice talk with Sooz last night - Yoso is not well.
 I have a pride problem with men in my family, and maybe men in general? Sensitive because I'm a small man. Common. Normal. I am no big deal. Nothing to defend. Learn to relax, enjoy, smile, be happy, accept. I want to touch, be touched, have friends - okay - so do that.
 IM'ing w/K& Vic..
 Endless loop, need a job, hate a job, at least try to find a job I feel good about - that uses my skills, where I can be myself to some extent, feel good about investing, partnering.. for someone like me with limited skills, I have to be realistic.. of course.. panic and fear will not help.. do what I can, what must be done.. and work on being real, good and accepting.. getting this chance to see who I am, my willingness to look situation in the eye, and take recommended steps etc, feel my feelings without losing hope... it's a good learning, taking stock, assessing myself..
 Always an adventure - who knows where I'll be next year? One year from today - still in cottage, with a job, Medicare, deciding when to retire.. there is no way to know anything.. it's good to know that.. save pennies - but right now, a trip to coast feels right.
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 Thu Nov 15.18 nm
 Weepy and scared this morning about school in Jan - how to work with state, choose classes, etc - they'd pay for school/books, and I keep getting unemployment - use savings for rest.. don't know how to do it, and losing my rock, support, earth mother, contact - Nia - is scary - this is life.. as trauma goes this is not horrible -
 Next week drop $6-700, spend 4 days in Bragg - might do me good, or is being alone bad? Mon-Thurs.. drive up Mon - chill Tues/Wed home Thurs? $50/night at Hotel 6. Check weather report - is air still bad?
 Still heavy smoke air from fires, sun red ball this morning, ashes on car - air smelled likes gasoline?? And it's cold - well shit. I get weepy and unhappy, okay - let it out - but I know we all feel the same, trapped, having to work, bad bosses, bad commutes - I know my life is still good, and fear about future not out of control. I think of the thousands who lost homes up north, and south.. heartbreaking for them -
 Stacey had me over for dinner last night - soup, bread, cheeses, nuts - talk, about our healing around Gil, play w/Dexter, watched vid from 5yrs ago when Gil's upper lip got stuck to teeth and laughed our asses off. :-)
 Not 100% certain InDesign class is happening today -
 Wed afternoon, rake/sweep side trash bin area, Nomad to type up Nia's 2hr Job Hunt mtg notes about - did it on work laptop, starting to move onto Cloud -
 Google Apps = no storage
 MS OneDrive = storage
 MS teacher asked about book - Fri I'll say yes, ask for support hooking up with online classes.
 Today betwen1-3 EDD call about missed Oct 1 meeting.
 Learn Google apps Calendar and utilize, move app into phone. Slowly organically job hunt will become lifestyle. That's good, to be organized/getting things done.
 Okay - meantime - life is good, at moment I am fine, fear of future no worse now than during last 60 years.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Long hot shower Wed afternoon - no shower this morning, leftover burrito bowl, and falafel with on pita lunch snacks. Less bread I think.
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 Tue Nov 13.18 nm
 Gloomy in a no altogether unpleasant way, combined with lovely melancholy autumn except for depressing itchy eye feel-in-in your-throat Camp fire death smoke.
 Mon don't sleep well, but keep waking up, so did sleep some - holiday - SR before 11, easy drive, smoke all the way - looking for brunch, did we stop in Windsor? Wound up in Healdsburg - checked 2-3 places, wound up with good outdoor breakfast block from central square, couple book stores back to car - north to Geyserville - explore, junk shop, coffee - a few pics - Isis center south of mina street - mural shows backroad cemetery - big! very cool old California cemetery up & down hills with concrete paths, on a ;lovely fall day, bordered with autumn-colored vineyards.
 Hungry, SR Vietnamese place on way home - wonton soup & 2 margaritas. Meh. E skint, I paid, fine.
 Easy drive home - sleep pretty well -
 Today - InDesign II class, lv ~10:45 for Nia meeting - I thought small GFX group, but ~10 peeps - interesting to see mix - but bad/sad news is she is leaving end of month - gah! for one I like her, for 3 I came in lost and she gave me direction, acceptance (WIOA), encouragement, resume support, calendars with EDD/YWCA classes, etc - so much! She has been lifeline mother mentor to me - fuck. Now I have to do the rest on my own - still, okay damned luck to get as much as I did. But shit. On way to car ran into InDesign Agnes, word came through, class cancelled for under-attendance - we hugged good-bye, see you around, maybe take it in Spring.
 Falafel snack - 20min to Oakland EDD, explain how I missed Oct 31 mtg - they put me on phone, 1.25 hour wait - explain again, she says there's a Nov 15 call to discuss - cool. Downtown drop-off/pick-up DVDs/Library (history/Hammer horror), gelato, bank, Peets, Bowl.. EDD call letter @home - dark at 5pm damn it :-P
 Wow - kind of big day - no InDesign, no Nia after Nov (one last mtg), clear up EDD biz - @Nia meeting talked to artist lady about coffee, and another woman about networking - I should get a business card with my info, just for networking.
 Yes - without Nia, on my own, self-motivate, check into Alameda 1-Stop, resume, EDD, school in 2019? Yikes. Volunteer Tues/Thur somewhere? Look into other classes?
 Still - interesting 2 days - life continues interesting. But shit - two things kept me feeling active and engaged, Nia & InDesign class gone - it's kind of a big loss - make note -
 Fill the time with valuable actions.
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 Sun Nov 11.18 nm
 3-day weekend nice - up for an hour ~5, then sleep/snooze till 10am! It feels great to be well-rested..
 Sun bright, windy, sky above is blue, but smoky haze, smell of burnt debris, taste - added ice cubes to smoothie, oddly the extra sleep and cold smoothie was extra treat made me v happy -
 Sat big laundry, made bed, Plough ~6 visit Joe Becker during BB Blackbirds sound check, chatted about GFX job-hunting at our age/in these times, will share info, fb live-posted BBB sound check -
 Watched some of Holy Blood/Holy Grail - but passing out..
 Bad air, big wind, face masks, Internet sex searches.. considered Pt Reyes today until stepped outside and smelled air.. S Rosa tomorrow..
 Today good day to stay indoors, do cottage org.. so hard, so boring! Check EDD community colleges, also discuss with Nia Tuesday - a clean cottage is a happy cottage - sponger clean kitchen/bathroom floor?
 Jude cancelled Sat visit - haha - so predictable I was not even surprised, nor noted it here - means it will find it's own time - and a few piush-backs with us both being cool about it, it the path to consummation..
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 Sat Nov 10.18 nm
 Fri groceries/hang out, chop side alley branches into bin size, responded to letter from EDD about missed meeting/mix up with telephone call letter - send today? Make copy? Look at EDD site to se if # to call or email contact? Lots of keeping eye on north/south fires.. heavy smoke, sun an orange disc - latge box of pretzels, sushi bento dinner.
 Nia mentioned getting on college for 2019 soon - that would be what? year of school paid for/live on unemployment/savings? Stress of having to make decision - I'll see her Tuesday morning for special meeting - temp work during school - life could get very busy overnight between school and work - so enjoy this time.. Thanksgiving week 3-4 nights in Bragg? $70/night = ~$300.. plus food and gas = ~$500 - but you know? Do it.. I can't live now to prepare for 10 years from now. Many adjustments yes - but also live while I'm young enough to enjoy it.
 64.
 Medicare in 4 months.
 SS in 16mos if I want/can etc.
 But now - school, job hunting resources, this is easy, part-time school - sleeping well - sleep ~10:45 last night, woke ~5:30 then snoozed till? *? Don't even know.. relaxed.. wank.. almost every day, I think that's good/healthy - thank you girls for memories.
 Easy day - maybe finally tidy cottage paperwork - $$ from bank - plan for Reyes Sun - look at EDD page..
 All is well, normal life stresses, anxiousness about future - normal life stress/relaxation, felt good snoozing in bed this morning - if my concerns include I may be getting too much sleep, then life is good. No real worries. Don't sweat small stuff.
 Elimination has been kind of large hard logs, kind of uncomfortable, because of more carbs, PBJs/pita, etc.. when diet was almost all salads and falafel salads it was soft/easy like it should be  - so - hm.
 Yes - comparing oneself to others is joy killer - do my best for me, my abilities, all will be well. My life.
 Oregon boobies - all boobies are nice.

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 Fri Nov 9.18 nm
 When I feel sorry for myself, recall shooting victims' families, thousands of homes burned in Paradise up near Chico - not that their pain is worse, but my fears etc are not of severe kind.
 Thurs was interesting day:
 InDesign II morning but probably cancelled after next week - so that felt odd, sad
 Lv early for noon Non-Profit module @YWCA w/Claire, one other artist woman (I got her card), both older than I... interesting chat.. pushed me to reach out to BridgeSpan..
 Back to BAS for 1-Stop Nia meeting, go over resume, she approves of me moving away from matching style of active verbs etc, pushed me to look into schools that WIAO cover for Jan school year, that they might be able to pay for? Castro Valley? Have to choose a career direction? Gahh. Okay. Keep - one foot in front of other.
 Home, bring Macbook/charger to Used Computer on Adeline (?), $50 to replace - he mentions smoke from Chico & Berk Hill morning fires, I'd missed all that -
 Stop at Plough on way home, beer, grilled cheese with bacon, football - Buff & Laura appear, sit, eat, drink, catch-up - that was fun! Posted food pics to fb - proprietor noticed me posting pic and bought me a (half) beer. Nice. Buff/Laura also bought me one.
 Finished Sugarman video at home - sleep early, ~10.. up ~7:15..
 Okay - look into school and reply to EDD about missed meeting this afternoon.
 Sat maybe Sac for Jude pics?
 Paper piling up, cottage needs couple hours tidying, maybe small laundry. Groceries - need bread. This is good fun time - the future is always uncertain - I see others with 'more secure' futures and feel envy.. let that go, my life is my life, do best I can, pay attention to my own stuff, I'll be fine. Jealousy & desire are joy killers.
 L had to evac ~4am last night.. Eric also triggered by nearby fires, Paradise north of Chico apparently gone. Enjoy my life. It could end any time.
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 Thu Nov 8.18 nm
 Lack of Tue sleep made Wed a wash.. YWCA to confirm non-profit module today.. groceries, bed early.. to watch movies, but macbook battery dead, charger don't work..  used computers today for replacement, being laptop to make sure prob is charger..
 InDesign II 9am, lv early for noon YWCA non-profit mtg, back to BAS for 2:30 Nia meeting check-in.. classes, resume, etc..
 More Os (3-4 in last week), which I think is good - means body rested, healthy, feeling good.. with Felecia/Lisa and others.. twosomes..
 Mon off.. long weekend.. Sat Jude for photos? Email today..
 1st Google Suite class was good! Been seeing this stuff, hearing about it - overview pulls it all together.. youtube videos sure, but being able to ask questions good!
 Shooting at bar in Thousand Oaks, 12 dead.. cop ran in, got hisself killed.. good guy with a gun.. that's L's town...
 Told Tom I can do $200 towards M&P's WV bench.. maybe more later.., I could do whole amount but this is not time to be over-generous.. exercise caution..
 I thought, Sept-Nov I am getting full pay, plus $400/wk unemployment.. plus the $3k PTO.. not flush..  but this is the time to pay into foundations.. that might include DVD player for movies.. see what Used Computers has, or ask on facebook.. or.. NetFlicks?
 Last night watched most all videos on laptop - coast splashes, Lind's pussy (she tilted to show me her ass - thank you), Gil 88 tour highlights - he was a funny fucker damn, got to spend so much time with him, wonderful.
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 Wed Nov 7.18 nm
 Not much sleep - was it the Vietnamese coffee yesterday afternoon - no coffee after noon!
 Google Docs class @9:30
 Nice 1hr chat w/ Sooz last night
 Good work on resume - how do I want to present myself to someone I'm about to meet - not, how to write the way they want me to
 Today, more resume, drive to EDD near coliseum? Or is that a waste of time?
 Thur, InDesign II, YMCA non-profit group @12:00-1:30. Nia meeting 2:30..
 Email Jud - Sac mtg on Sat to view Lynn/her 1977 photos at Davis art teacher's pool? Get it done. Let it go.
 Beautiful morning..
 DJ/Buff returned one of the feral cats who was too wild and crazy..
 Not peeing in yard anymore.. no more smell..
 I photo'd almost all girls in Davis 80 music scene: Nan, Lynn, Chris Meg, Jen B, Donnie, Caroline O'R (not nude), Shelley - that was fun, and of course, because there was built-in trust, and I was connected/had some talent. My motivation was not particularly corrupt in my mind, I was not keeping a list, checking boxes - it was only years later I noted it had happened, detected possible significance in terms of what it may indicate about my place in the scene. So, yeah, it's nice to have photos of their youthful beauty. Was thinning about this in bed this morning before wank haha.
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 Tue Nov 6.18 nm 2:30 Muffin & Vietnamese coffee mmm
 InDesign II, but may get cancelled -
 Mon after class dropped by Urban Ore for a knife and fork..
 New feral kitty chaos on front house, shit piss on couch and now one missing.. stressful for them..
 A bit of youtube, now hitting resume again - taking some verbiage from former workmates - duhhh smart!
 UI screw-up: Nov 1 phone call 'mtg' was not Oct 31st in-house meeting, no one to talk to on phone, got to write it all out - dang it..
 Working on resume on wk laptop so have full Word, cross checking passwords against regular laptop
 Finished watching Wrecking Crew last night, scanned ~1.75 songs Joni Mitchell live Shadow & Light, really boring filming..
 Life is good, this Autumn is beautiful I miss having Mom to talk to about weather haha but true - we talked just to hear each others' voices, and we said that to each other.
 No class Mon.. maybe.. somewhere...? look into negotiating Bragg hotels down to $50 around Thanksgiving & Christmas.
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 “You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your father was.”
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 Mon Nov 5.18 nm
 2nd set of classes start today - 5 mornings/wk - feels right
 Sun stopped at Nicasio, chat w/Mike about books/music - snacks - ~1hr hm to Pt Reyes - go ahead of long line at bakery - 'can I dump some coffee in this (thermos)?' put a $5 in the basket, thanks, keep change.. photos, cool old trucks to Eric & K/Vic, window reflection/vines to L - sit & sip - ~20mins to Estero lot? Not bad at all - and beautiful morning! Autumn sunny, cool -
 PBJ, hiking footwear - recently found a large windbreaker/jacket somewhere(?) - blustery, so wore it - worked well! Perfect lovely day, wanted to be out in it - been years since visited Estero, I avoid because it is not a loop (?) - but rough and wonderful, fresh air, irregular coast, and and down path no prob, knee fine - ~6miles altogether with stops for sandwich, falafel, apple etc - walk down to sunset beach would prob add up to 9 miles.. maybe Spring? Deer, birds.. abandoned cattle pads.. played with panorama pics..
 Got into good mental state once out past bridge, good workout, fresh air, lovely lights and views.. the AIR! - and memories of many trips out there, youth, good times alone and with Chris and Shelley - familiar feeling paths.. yes, used to spend a lot of quality time out there.. good times...
 Good - cleared mind - I feel as if I have not felt that/this good, that side of me in so long.. this is a vacation.. take advantage, enjoy - do not brag about it, your working friends will not appreciate - no one will sympathize with my free time.. go to school, work with Nia.. Estero..
 I was so bummed about not sleeping well Friday and not being able to make Estero.. I'd forgotten perhaps how much I truly love it - on a lovely day like Sun it is special, unique.. get out that way more.. I can be tired and still enjoy it all..
 Stopped at Nicasio for a cocktail and football after.. that was cool.. lovely area, and country music by same trio opened for AatW Summer...
 Too much sexy internet photo time - deleted all the celebrity folders I'd collected.. time to get serious about school.. it's not 50% therapy and time-filling now..
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 Sun Nov 4.18 nm
 Made it - up 7:30 but daylight savings gave me extra 1/2hr, anyway, mid morning arrival at Estero is fine -
 Mid-dark mood but okay, shower, dishes, empty bins, sandwiches, falafel apple dried fruit for stroll..
 Watched more of Wrecking Crew last night, couple hits of Gil's pot and laughed outloud at George Carlin - there's a sound I have not heard in a while - my own gleeful laughter . comedians, thank you
 8:12 should arrive ~10-10:30.. fun..
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 Sat Nov 3.18 things
 Sleep till 9, Nomad till ~12:45
 Yard work, weed front, clip broken blood orange branch to next door, water, pull lower branches off datura
 Saw/cut back a few limbs dead trunks in side alley
 Ladder inside, clear storage, sweep/vacuum rat turds, check space above kitchen cupboards
 Rearrange blur lights from datura to edge of cottage/fence
 Create 2-3 Pulp cover memes for fb group
 Two fb conversations about Millennials not being into collectables/Boomers criticizing them
 Double check date of GFX group meeting with Nia (Nov 13)
 Move CDs, hat, etc to car
 All-in-all just taking care of the space
 Cooked 1/2 of rice/chicken dish Stacey sent me home with (that means so much, that she is feeding me) - yum
 This is my one free weekend between classes - wanna clear mind relax - need to ask Office teacher for a bit of extra support to het books/online support going - I'm feeling a little nervous/lost because of lack of knowledge, I am naturally not gonna do the extra work, so some minor tutoring would help
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 Sat Nov 3.18 nm
 Now - settled into new life - much like the old life.. cushion of severance paychecks through mid-Nov.. 10 weeks.. almost done.. also 10 weeks of $1,600/mo unemployment,, this lets me evolve away from spending.. eating out.. towards mostly home prep food.. still buying Bowl salads, burrito bowls etc.
 Couple of hats from University Goodwill..
 Last week of Berk Adult School MS Office/InDesign.. next week start 5 mornings/week MS Office repeat, Google Suite, InDesign II.. and aim for more time spent self-study.. get headphones/watch YouTube videos, study book etc.
 Finished The Witch last night - spooky!
 Roughto-no sleep last night and night before.. dunno why.. general anxiousness I guess, uncertainty etc? Life. Just a slightly constipated mind it seems. I start to believe I do not have stamina to work in fast-paced environment 40hrs/week anymore.. body slowing down, makes sense mind would slow down too.. it was unclear last year or so at work, because I attributed some mental fogginess/distraction to shock of deaths - Scott, Dad, Gil, Mom etc - as well as Gil's long-term fight - but as time passed there was still.. struggling to remember words, less mental agility.. not dementia, just not as sharp.. okay..
 So then you get Social Security and supplement w/part-time work that doesn't require fast-paced multi-tasking.. that's for youth I think.. good to target what I am able to do.. I don't think I mind.. and yeah, 2o-yr olds not gonna bond/want a 65-yr-old on their team,, I wouldn't... got all that.. move on..
 Bummed last night - knew I wouldn't sleep -, wanted to get out early for 1.5hr drive to Estero, 2-mile stroll to bridge.. maybe a bit past.. couldn't sleep.. fuck it, snoozed till 9.. try again tomorrow, whether I sleep or not.. There will be other opportunities, but I sort of want to do it now during beautiful Fall weather.. obviously some part of me is not enthused.. some of it is boring.. much is lovely! Do it :-)
 Okay.. no plans.. could do cottage work, which needs to be done! and maybe nature stroll later..
 And no I will never re-read these, but they are helpful
 Among other things, I can see how I have mentally improved gotten better happier, and how deeply shocked and painful losing job was.. you read about that stuff, but don't know how deeply disorienting and frightening it is, till you lose it - rejection, losing tribe, losing prestige...
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 Wed Oct 31.18 nm
 Enjoying time off between jobs - "Between jobs" - every day forward movement - nice chat with Sooz last night.
 What did I do yesterday - not sure - not work - tired from Mon school/trip to SR & back, deep nap/wank - ~4pm downtown pizza, Goodwill on University, two $7 pairs of jeans - cool! Bowl on way home $6 burrito bowl, bread, etc - no pudding. Slow but sure evolving into eating at home and less chocolate pudding/gelato etc.
 Slow but sure getting things done - not slow even, just not rushed super-efficient work time pace - thought EDD call was today, but it's tomorrow - urgh -
 Considered Pt Reyes Estero, but don't want to spend that much time driving, through commute traffic - want this day of rest - can do Estero on weekend. Also, it's a out and back same route - need to be in mood for that... 1.5hr drive.. weekend, leave early.. 8-10 miles out and back depending.. 2 miles to bridge.. then see how knee feels.. hmp
 Watched some of Wrecking Crew movie, then ~20min of Grieving Sudden Death library vid - redundant, unfocused, difficult subject, but good to share what others experience, I was thinking Mom, but of course Scott, too, was totally unexpected and wrecked me.. at work I could barely focus for a while.. not sure it was much different than Gils death which, in spite of seeing it coming, tore up me & community.
 Memorable scene from otherwise stupid Quills; gossip is a turn-on. Today I'm thinking good to toss lots of old paper - so much paper.. move resume work onto other laptop with Office.
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 Tue Oct 30.18 nm
 Mon MS class, sign up repeat Nov-Jan, falafel snack in car, 1hr to SR for Eric's bday meal, easy drive - Autumn backroads long shadows to Sebastopol, mediocre sushi but good adult chat about survival, Social Security, self-image, friends, health, death of parents, etc - cruise south to Big Chair coffee shop for smoothies/lemonade.. lovely day.. ez drive home..
 Re-watch Beast from 20K Fathoms dino scenes (really good, tho "Argh!" flop end is funny), then Quatermass movie, Creeping Terror(?) with scary cold cactus hand guy -- good shit! Movies.. a decent way to fill time, rather than porn, video games etc - a story - tell us a story..
 Time off - enjoy this, yes.. next job will probably be part-time? No way to know.. it's a whole new ball game where age and running out the clock is a major factor. Huh. The  you die. Meantime, live and enjoy. Do bucket list now - if I have month to live what would I do? East Coast drive? Visit K&Xo in UK?
 Tape in car.. OMG was live my songs with Shelley & the guy I worked with at Big Shot - forget all about that..!  Low Ceiling was not bad. At least I tried, but no - live performer not in me.
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 Mon Oct 29.18 nm
 Sun this and that, opened mail - ~$2K/mo SS if I retire @66.. ~$1.8 if 65.. Wed morning EDD interview is on phone, seems to be mostly about what $$ I'm getting from former employer.
 Unplanned call Stacey about lunch, she says yes, Korean place on Solano was fun, borrow a couple of sci-fi DVDs, library to return DVDs, re-check grieving DVD, home/walk to Plough for World Series, IPA, bump into Matt Piucci, we sit together, small talk, grilled cheese sandwiches, non-IPA recommendation.. sipping 2 beers with 2 meals, I seem okay this morning..
 Beast from 20K Fathoms last night, just the monster parts.. really bad movie except for that, but monster is good!
 Sign-up for re-do of MS Office M&F today.. good idea anyway, as well as staying busy, having a schedule.. continue to process what losing a job means to me, my sense of who I am, people I saw/interacted with/chatted/joked with every day for many years.. it's sad damn it :-( prestige of having job in a cool place, Salesforce Tower for God's sake.. grateful for experience, no longer a good match.. life is uncertain, ever changing - now what? I must be some use to someone.. and this is how we gauge that value. But find other ways, and also enjoy my life just being me, not based on anyone else's judgment.
 Despite general anxieties, I am enjoying this is some ways-- a nice warm bed.. my cottage.. my savings.. me.. me just me..

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 Sun Oct 28.18 hm 10:53am
 Sleep okay - watch rest of Room 237 (Kubrick) and John Cale live (also read Wiki and finally know who he is) - okay -
 Up ~8am, the usual anxiety dreams that are telling me I am not okay - that losing long-term job has affected me in deep ways & maybe I need some sort of support, therapy to get though this... I'm not okay.. probably depressed/disconnected... feel like I'm supposed to be superman who jumps right back on horse, gets going, but I am not that man - so then I blame myself for being weak etc... have not landed.. everything seems to be up in the air at this point..
 Some interviewer asks me what is my biggest weakness? I dunno.. being kind of dull? Not as sharp as I was.. how much longer do I want to work.. I dunno.. never? 2-3 years.. till my body quits.. till I can't work any more and have to accept fixed income poverty charity.. old age.. boredom.. isolation.. yikes! No wonder I'm freaked out.
 Okay.. too much obsessing on naked actresses, noticed pee smell few minutes ago, hosed down yard/esp front of kitchen window - no more of that, use toilet.. no one wants yard to be a toilet/smell like pee.. re-make bed, make pbj.. head somewhere.. sushi w/Eric?
 Mail to open from Social Security, give me a number.. 4-5 months till Medicare..
 There's a habitual anxiety in my body/mind to get to work.. but there is no work... there's supposed to be work.. without work you starve.. anxieties at work in my workless being... work.. find someone to talk to sympathetically...at Senior Center... look online, read a book...
 Do not neglect to take care of myself - look how much better I felt after talking to Stacey about my state of mind post-job-loss.
 And that is part of purpose here - in this blog - not that I'll ever come back looking for insights or info - it's 'talk' therapy - checking in etc
 I just vacuumed and re-made bed, and somehow touched on the thought, how post-divorce I lost that LaFreniere family, and how that pain came back after John Henry's 80th bday party.. and yeah, working with some people for 20yrs, and a handful I actually bonded with.. a few faces came to say goodbye who I knew would be the ones.. with Christina was a surprise - but point is, I am neglecting to mourn that loss.. mourn deeper most painful losses.. if it helps, send an email just to say hi I miss working with you hope all goes well. Is that appropriate? Too weird and needy? There must be a way to do it.
 Okay - good - got in touch with that.
+++++
 Sat Oct 27.18 hm yard 6pm
 Nothing much, and that's okay - internet sex/photoshop, old LD photos etc - small laundry load while B&DJ in SC - Buff's Civil War book - mail to go through, bit of trimming yard this morning.. stay in school, work on resume/website, but really why? What job would I send them to? Confused and not starting - maybe pay someone to help with resume?
 Email to-do list to self from early Oct.:
 1.) have not heard from EDD nor severance email WLT about severance
 2.) Call EDD about UI and school - can be done on phone/online?
 3.) Resume - look at what Nia sent - she'll understand I am not motivated - it takes time and effort
 4.) What about website - what to show?
 5.) Can I get food stamps on UI?
 6.) so it's those three things along with looking into classes for Berkeley junior college downtown - look into schedule hours etc
 All okay except same old roadblocks - resume & website - well, do resume first - then some simple website. I am not a designer - just need to show I can do basic ppt/photoshop. 4-5 images. Do-able, yes.
 Meantime, keep going to school, and be good to myself. Visit South Berkeley Senior Center. Volunteer? Got to do it - Nia nor no one else gonna do it for me.
 Enjoy this vacation time - this is really good, and I can see if I am basically settled, happy, not crazy.

+++++
 Sat Oct 27.18 nm
 We all wobble between down and up, - slept in today after watching movie - movies do seem to occupy mind in good way, chill out without tipping off cliff into self-criticism/regret etc. Last night watched end of Swampers music doc, beginning of Room 237 about Kubrick fanatics - it's not IMPORTANT, just entertainment and distraction that we all crave so said dad. What is IMPORTANT?
 Fri signed up for classes: Google Docs one Wed am per week, and InDesign II T-TH - but no one else is signed up.. so, maybe cancelled and I do MS Office again M&F? Worth doing YES. Keep busy - too much free time, not sure how good that is on cold rainy days. Not sure how I feel about this old age/retirement free time etc.
 Tried EDD card to pay for classes.
 After, stopped by downtown Berkeley City College, signed up with Social Sec, 'applied' for financial aid, but with my savings (I said 60), looks unlikely - offered a loan - anyway, classes don't start till Jan. Good to have done -
 BoA office to get EDD card fixed - called, some confusion about initial hook-up, set it right on phone - ~$1,200 on card.. good.
 On some ways life seemed simpler with routine of job - get up, show up, come home, every 2 weeks a paycheck into bank. Walking through life like a zombie.
 Plan now: school through winter, polish resume, put some FX/photos/photoshop on website somewhere, use time to discover who I am, what I want, enjoy and relax - life is to be enjoyed yes.
 Nice O this morning, and good for me, same as I encourage my women friends. Good for health self-esteem etc.
 Slept in till almost 10 - last 2 nights: pretzels & soup or cheese dinners - eat real food. No alcohol.
 Make a list and do.
 Esp what Nia suggests - she has contacts, I need to show here I am reliable.
 My dream is a regular income of $50/yr without working for it. Nice dream. Not gonna happen. Wipe it out.
 Dinner w/Eric Mon? Leave for SR after noon class? Arrive ~1:30 - hang drive eat home.
 LD
+++++
 Fri Oct 26.18 nm
 Life one big uncertainty - only for sure is death & taxes - don't take comforting illusions and subtractions for certainty and security - there is none.
 Learn to enjoy uncertainty; this is real life after all. I may die any time. Anxiety and fear gets me nothing. Enjoy every breath, every sandwich, every hug, smile, eye contact.
 After those 2 margaritas Wed at Nicasio, felt lousy Thurs.. not 'hungover', but mentally unfocused and lousy. One drink with meal max. After InDesign, met with Nia, talked over this and that - meeting next week wit other unemployed GFX folks (like me) - "Big News"? Curious.
 Sign up for more classes today - more InDesign, and Photoshop - maybe some excel? Can I self-teach - not easy. Then sporadic training modules at YMCA and EDD in Oakland. Stay busy during the cold short days. Brrr. Nia says I'm doing everything right - classes, resume etc - and asked when I would be ready to look for work full-time - I figure after January classes end? Is there any more schooling I need? Maybe not. I could do the MS Office again - to nail it, use it or lose it - might actually be a good idea.
 Thu after class: Vietnamese hot pot prawns - my new comfort food place -, bank for $300 cash, car wash/vacuum (mildew again, wipe it down), gas up (ouch $$!!).
 Conflicts at work - politics - push back against bosses, being told I'm not good enough - was like family - t'was who I was, kept me alert and unhappy, stressed, etc. Behave with confidence get called arrogant. Who am I? I am this mess of rebellion and distress over having to work. Better now. Do bosses have to be bullies? Maybe it is part of it.
 Anyway, tho I am 100ft into Oakland, Nia got me registered in WIOA - which means she can support me - we talked about age, that while I "despair" of obtaining certain positions because of my age, I have not "given up", and she said right, wouldn't have accepted me if I had. I probably have unrealistic expectations of what they can offer - (to find me a perfect job) - understandable, I'm scared and want a mommy to hold my hand.
 So - tho unemployed, up early for class, work on resume/look at sites Nia sent me, meet ~2:30, send her list of temp agencies Joe B sent me, lunch, bank, car wash, gas, walk to bowl for groceries..
 Papers & emails piling up - cleaning them would be helpful to keeping a clear mind.
+++++
 Wed Oct 24.18 bed pm
 Sort of rough sleep, intense dreams - related to current affairs, about real anxieties - they feel real, sometimes as I come out of them I have to tell myself they are dreams!
 Visited Oakland EDD office near coliseum ~10am, checked in, not much going on, same print outs & access to computers as I have at BAS. Okay - so I saw it - good to do, free day - home - Olampoli -
 Easy drive, beautiful day - lovely Autumn, such a lovely locale - hills, real green (!?), sunny, cool - eat in car (leftover burrito bowl), field.. worked on staying present, but this place does have lots of memories - first time being member of 'team', in college, working on cool Costal Miwok site dig - that was fucking bitchin' - that is what college is about -
 stroll halfway up to intersection, then back slowly soaking in beauty, natural amphitheater, throw rocks into valley water for eye/body coordination practice (pretty good), contemplate how this place is always the same and I bring my different life times and needs to it and it feeds me.. it has a feeling of home - hippie commune fantasy.. halfway up then back - feel guilty about not looking for work full time, but this is what I'm doing.. in school, I have less money coming in, & more free time, so I might as well enjoy free time before I get back to work etc.. yes, very nice.. car ~4, falafel snack.. 25min to Rancho Nicasio, 2 margaritas & a burger - bald Greek bartender with cancer showed up! I didn't say hi, but good to see he is getting better! Hi to Mike and bartender lady (from BBQs).
 Live streamed 7 deer family outside Rancho - waited till I was sure 3 drinks had settled with food - home..
 Good day. It is important to my job hunt and healing etc that I have some good relaxing days.
 Looked at hotels in Dec.. yes.. I think I saw hotel 6 @$45?? anyway - check around, negotiate - bring food - and yes, if I can do 3 nights @ ~$50/night.. yes. It is so good for me.
+++++
 Mon Oct 22.18 nm
 This is nice - broke full-time student - I'll survive somehow - clothes from free boxes.. I see people wandering around, used clothing, no car, a bit lost-looking - no illusion of progress and security a paycheck creates - there's no narrative, no right way - life is not like in advertisements happy white-haired people smiling on the beach... working class work till they can't or till they die.. meantime, enjoy this free time.. being laid-off, with savings, and unemployment, and severance - is kind of okay in many ways. Just paid COBRA for an till end of Nov, and signed up for 2 weeks of unemployment, which severance does not affect. All good for now.
 Call Payflex to get COBRA card, and Stauder's to see about window fix tomorrow. Wed am EDD.
 Did PPT in Windows class this morning - a bit of nostalgia/ego - but I learned things.
 Save save save. Keep up classes - maybe, maybe an office manager for some non-profit? Why not? 10hr days, doing some work at home. Who knows? Meantime - enjoy this change, this challenge, life is full of surprises, and I am nearly over painful shock of being laid-off. Those bastards.
 Phew - of course B is one of the companies putting on the economic mtg with the Sauds - I wonder how that's going over?
 Called PayFlex, got new Blue Cross cards on way, paid Auto Insure for the year ($1,350 - owch!), signed on for 2 weeks of UI - responded to Nia's mtg invite/best date. Now maybe lunch & Tilden?
 And TED talks, face out of laptop. Don't need to write every thing down.
 Let Joan know Thanksgiving is not gonna work. But make another trip for sure.
 ---
 home/bed
 On way home from class, down Sac, down Chae's old street, Parker - her house, junk on sidewalk, I looked through to see if there was a hint of her presence -
 ~4:15 up Ashby to Tilden, 3mile Big Springs loop, cut straight up hill to avoid down and up - made it - slower, but I can do it - cool. Beautiful fucking late afternoon autumn long shadows, hiking stick helped. Down through town, hungry - library for 3 vids - Wrecking Crew tonight - Starry Plough / corned beef/1 IPA chat w/Matt Piucci - good - ~25min drive in moderate traffic from home to Tilden.
 Paperwork is a mess - spend $$ on files, rent, health, car insurance, keeping papers straight - these are good to invest in, along with food.
 Choose classes for winter/Spring, and don't forget car to Stauder's after class. Gov't job doing excel?? I dunno - but - try.
+++++
 Mon Oct 22.18 nm
 Sun Pt Reyes - lv ~11 - decide on wetlands north of Pt Rys St.. nice, beautiful day, sunny but cool breeze - haven't been here for.. many years.. lovely.. a bit funky, maybe because used to be heavily changed  by people for farming water channels etc.. still - nice area, cows, gates, birds, bench at end for pbj. Stop at Nicasio for margarita, barely felt it, but felt good to sit down in a room of people sipping cold drink.
 Everyone's a little sad - then we all have to lift each other up. Morning's esp.
 Joan invited me to Reno for Thanksgiving - I want to - I should! - part of my mind says nothing should be allowed to get in my way - but - 5+hrs drive in worst traffic of year.. crowded house, so hotel, at high holiday rates.. logistics are harsh.. and I would be wiped out - but, in spite of all that, is my presence alone important thing? Check hotel prices.
 Almost watched Festival video last night - but it was Blu-Ray. Okay.
 it was good to get out Sun to wetlands in Marin.. time to myself.. enjoyment,..
 But I'm on laptop too much, not watching TED talks etc - I'd like to do better because it would be a happier lifestyle I think. Maybe not haha. Maybe scold voice is wrong.

+++++
 Sun Oct 21.18 nm
 So why no EDD this week period? Dunno - visit Wed am and find out.
 ~2 checked BART music, but meh, and chilly - falafel bowl, ice cream - bit of yard work, uncovering bricks in front yard, searching for tumblr Ana Foxxx pics to share, ~7 Bowl, soup dinner - not enough - wake up anxious - shower/smoothie/nice clean bed.. Buff/DJ home ~8 -
 All packed, dressed - thinking Bear Valley, but also want something new.. head out, have apple/burrito bowl/pbj.. see what occurs to me.. work filled my time - fill it with other fun things I like as best possible - but don't kick myself for not doing more - easy to fall into that self-criticism.. do enough, find what I like, do it.. join a group if it helps..
 Pick classes for winter and Spring. Here I am. Here I am.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Sat Oct 20.18 nm
 Fri MSOffice class, more Excel - basic and good - downtown bento box, daily 1/2 price books top - Telegraph/Moe's - trade for Ditko book, browse basement, GBV bio - Peet's mocha frap - home, laundry - last chance to do bed clothes etc in front house - so convenient & nice!  - Buff's Civil war book in front house, wiki war details - ~5 new BART plaza music - beat box cello guy & singer girl - sort of fun - gelato - dinner: eggs plus leftover bento chicken/rice -
 Sleep well.. clean newly-made bed - wake from dreams (forgotten mostly) feeling okay - in moment - restful, rested - weekends it's okay to sleep in - 8am..
 Without job empty quietness of life feels.. not generating income - without being paid for creating feels like failure.. must be producing..! well,  - on top of keeping myself whole, healthy, mentally active - creative producing, yard, cottage, life.. I can hike, go to Reyes etc - but also want to feel I am "making something".. lots of people do not.. how to see that... not be indolent.. Volunteer? Classes? Is it enough? (makes funny twisted mouth face -hmp)
 Breath - be happy. Be easy on myself. It's okay to relax and enjoy life while I figure out things. I am not stetting idle in water. working with Nia, on resume, on where my skills may be needed. It's okay.
 Grateful for health, mental alertness, comfortable clothing, friends, living situation - roof/kitchen/bathroom/food - , relative mental health, good life habits, lack of vices/addictions. Nearby Brother/family good, too - don't neglect to be grateful, find ways to make it work positively. Let go of pride.
 John and Marge/farm soon - tomorrow?
+++++
 Fri Oct 19.18 nm
 Thu good InDesign class, sit across street cafe till 2:30 WIAO meeting - Good 1hr+, talked through what I have in mind - emotionally, I want a job, but intellectually I know I need training; a people-helping (progressive) non-profit, or training old folks on computers might be a good fit; supporting addicts came up, I mentioned my alcoholism, being sober for 20yrs - she getting a better picture of who I am - will send list of potential volunteer opportunities - we looked over recent resume in-depth, discussed my discomfort - mentioned I was having some rough days, a support group might be helpful, knowing others have it worse does not help - she seemed intrigued/excited - ; mentioned I'd be visiting EDD office next Wed morning, she said give her name, they know her. Okay, Good.
 Anyway - one and on..
 N Berk Sr Center to pick up card, brief volunteer chat, Sat afternoon political event.
 Vietnamese wonton soup - yum! - Berkeley Bart plaza opening - Mission Delirious Latin brass band - 5min fun, live video to facebook, gelato.
 Checked WLT act page then banking acct - severance checks being deposited! I wads told one $17K check. Okay - adjust - this is better - I like it coming in like paychecks for 3months - so, through Nov.. taxes already taken out simplifies things. Okay.
 So, UI, COBRA, severance, settled..
 Start choosing and signing up for classes/ keep iterating resume. Nia says do not put on Craig's list/ LinkedIn etc.
 Internet breaks - read, tidy. Don't get stuck/paralyzed fearful of change. Change is inevitable' Life is change. Stability is an illusion.
+++++
 Thu Oct 18.18 Cafe nr BAS 1:23
 InDesign morning class good - waiting around for 2:30 Nia 1-Stop meeting. Wed worked on resume, put me in a bad mood - pressure!, so important! must be done right! cover letter super important!, what If I'm not a fucking writer, they're all different - fuck. On top of my age, this other impossible task.
 Today re-write, less-specific, transferable skills -
 Wed am picked up Camry - 20min walk - no charge but window still barely works - only if door is open? Better get it fixed - $400. Ouch. Paid $109 for annual AAA road service. Emailed WLT about severance benefit. What's up? Yard work, dug out big-leaf Australian (?) plants from several hard-to-get-to spots in front.. looks good.
 Face in laptop a lot - not getting beneath bed, not watching movies - not walking - break from laptop - choose times, 3hr spans, Yes.
 I see these jobs for ~$20hr.. seems they're there in emergency. But, school first?
 Next Wed morning drive to EDD and chat.
 Maybe no caffeine after noon?
 Music, movies, culture.. weekend? Ocean, water, nature, walk - music @ refurbished downtown BART station this weekend.
 Drop by Senior Center today for registration card - visit south Berkeley Sr. Center. I need help. Stressed and scared, Job loss after 20yrs is huge, scary, stressful - it's okay - my reaction is normal. Is there a job-loss group where I can talk, share stress, survival tips?
 Okay - but - count blessings - yard is wonderful - cottage comfy - electronic toys..
 1986 BSC Game Theory photo, Milestone, Scott jumping in fb group, after posted by Donnette & others.. me & Gil in backyard on fb title photo.. maybe too much withdrawing.. let go.. find new things to live for now. less internet sex.. that hole goes on forever and is ultimately depressing and ugly.
 Unlikely to find a job where I use InDesign etc - but - best to have some comfort level - peripheral skills for whatever comes along...
+++++
 Wed Oct 17,18 nm 10:16am
 Stauder's called, car ready, phone does not have VM set up - do that - $80
 Call LMI, about passwords and if signal is working at all - not sure it is
 Work on resume
 Look at EDD site, explore
 Tues spent tons of time online, looking at e.g., James Bond sexy girls - um, okay, but yeah - not too much of that! There's good fun stuff to do while alive. Enjoy! Walking! Biking!
 Nice call w/Sooz - always good to talk, she said she's impressed with how I'm dealing, classes, Community Garden, UI, COBRA, Senior Center/register/volunteer, resume, being open to learning new skills (business excel) that are not a perfect fit - forward thinking for next few years and beyond - 20yrs at Bain, maybe I absorbed a discipline lesson, learned that doing right/necessary things is better than procrastinating, etc... life will be easier if I do right thing - it will show to those who meet me, what sort of person I am.. and to myself.. in theory, if things are going well, I'm doing something right..
 Meantime, slept in till almost 9, smoothie - beautiful morning! Cool and sunny - now, home for pbj, walk to Rockridge to pick up Siouxie II.
 Tues, drop of Camry ~1, walk home, Chinese curry chicken takeout - (delicious but not much chicken!), no phone anywhere - in car? Bike back up - yep, front seat under hat. Biking was fun and easy, thinking about sexy Big Shot Susan D on Claremont, playful touching, early 90s, touching under clothes, "I can't believe you're groping me" but not stopping me - I was doing small amounts of 'up', exploring 'confidence' it gave me - but is it confidence if it comes from a drug, focused on product/ winning/ selfishness, getting what you want end-of-story? It was a good experience. I learned what it's like, advantages/disadvantages of being an asshole.
 Got turned on thinking about her, picture she gave me, but more so ones she did not show me.
 Okay. Pee. Home. Should be a nice morning walk to Stauder's.
 Also found set this shot came from - the kinda cool erotic voyeur pic
+++++
 Tue Oct 16.18 nm
 Natural to feel doomed, despair, u happy, in denial about again.. after all, we all do - and I was pretty well-employed till 64~, this was sudden, but I did see it coming..
 We all have to deal - maybe working, utilizing @ Senior Center, hanging w/other seniors will help. No point in glooming over the past, more than necessary.
 Watched Gore Vidal/Buckley movie, 'Now listen, you queer, stop calling me a crypto-Nazi, or I'll nail you in the goddamn face and you'll stay plastered.', plus 68 politics - and hw it's become all voyeuristic arguing.
 Ah another Buckley quote dad used: "I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." and in the film, about "Two party system." being why he is a conservative - ahh, so much of Buckley in Dad.
 Buff/DJ on NO till Sat? Dropping car at Stauder's after class.
 At 64 I'm supposed to be down sad glum tired no-nonsense illusion-free serious survival-focused owner of grief. Get used to it, and enjoy good times.
 Look for jobs on EDD site.
 ---
 Stressed and irritated in class this morning - after drop Camry at Stauder's to check stuck window - free now at College Peet's, free tomorrow - conundrum - haha - I can work & have $$ but no time vs. no work & time but no money - I spent $$ on things I like, hotels, ocean, friends, god-daughter, food, sushi - yes, well-spent - Blues weekends with Eric are priceless memories for us both - feast or famine - Sooz in OR, K in UK - it's up to me to take care of myself as much as humanly possible. When going gets tough, tough get going. Do my best - things will turn out alright.
 Worrying about 5-10-20yrs from now has no value. Take care of today, this month, maybe year - 5mos till Medicare.. 1.5yrs till 'full' retirement, whatever that is. Best to find out before too long.
 1977/2018

+++++
 Mon Oct 15.18 nm
 Priority is résumé and getting info straight on UI - call or visit office today - I don't know what or when anything will appear, nor how to make it arrive every week..
 Car insurance.. ~$1100, park bench for M&P is ~$300 - should I just go ahead and do it while I can? Okay - got an address nr school/Bonita - go there after class.
 Write WLT about severance - when?
 Sun lv ~8:30, Shell Beach, down coast ~1/2 mile, sit meditate a bit - nice - in good head space - present - aware of 'what-if' future tripping. Down to ocean, nice, all the way down to bend, high-tide, knew I'd get splashed, braced so as not to slip on wet rocks. A little wet, no prob. At Tomales, hit of Gil's pot - mild sensation - meh - kind of nice, but how much psychological/memory? Beautiful drive/day. Stop Nicasio, but keep books because sell at Moe's, Chat w/Mike. Skim bookshelf Romance porn - geez!
 Groceries from Bowl, splashed clothes in laundry. Easy relaxed healing life. Same worries and care as always.
 Oh, and..
 This is softball - divorce, addiction, DUI was softball.
 As one ages, death of parents, siblings, friends, job loss become common - still softball. Normal life pain.
 The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
 Dying of bone cancer is hardball.
 My current challenges - I can do something about them.
 -----
 Good Excel class, drove past Milvia unemployment address but it's closed and sent me back to OneStop in BSA - Milvia was past North Berkeley Senior Center, I wondered if 64 counts as senior.. dude! Still not feeling it - they have housing support, for fixed income peeps, free meals for past 63.. $3 donation for anyone.. talked to young guy at counter, registered, volunteered - this fits with community garden.. doing right thing.. networking support.. there's another Sr. Center a few blocks from me.. tax support? Social Security, etc?
 At home, Tom gets on roof and seals skylight - we decided not worth spending $$ on ceiling if it doesn't bother me (it doesn't - it would ne 'nice' but not necessary). I happened to have cash to pay for sealant. Talk about Rancho Nicasio - visit someday, he anxious to see it - some Sunday. Good chat about music and such.
 Bank $300, $120 in quarters. Open EDD mail at PEETS, Mail: UI card $400 - seems to arrive late. Scheduled appt at office Oct 31 - cool - $1600/mo for 6+ months.. enough for rent, COBRA, phone/wifi ($570+$600+$160 = ~1,330) - gas etc - food out of pocket. Really? Job at 65? Maybe. Weirder things have happened. Maybe a non-profit. Could be. That plus $10K from WLT should cover a lot of next 6mos.
 I keep thinking about Slatter's court. hmm. But.. Berkeley is my home...
 Glad UI has arrived - was stressing..
 ..call Shirley someday, just to say hi. I'll regret if I don't, and be glad if I do.
 I miss Mom.
+++++
 Sun Oct 14.18 nm
 Slept okay, alarm @7, shower/smoothie, pack pbj/burrito bowl, salad/bowl/utensils.. took 1.5v.. laptop, phone.. River loop.. this is my weekend, my day off, to play - it is allowed, yes. Mon call/visit EDD about payment schedule etc.
 Nia is a source of info, like the YMCA class calendars - cool! Also support for what kind of jobs I might look for/focus resume toward. Use that info. It is high value.
 Posting photoshopped pics to fb Pulp Covers meme page - some fun.
 Settling in for the long haul.
 What Darcy said about arrogance, not respecting - I think she was onto something, after 20yrs, at my age, I expect my opinions to be heard out, respected.. idea that someone comes, tells me what end is up, I stand silently, listen then get to work - well, is it any harder now than when I was an arrogant youth? Work is a drag, no one loves a boss. Nothing new.
 ---
 Gville
 Everything in the moment - everyone alone within themselves - past and future meet here - we cling to another/others, paychecks, distractions, future events to look forward to - but we are alone here now - with ourselves - or with God however we see him/her - big daddy, hairy thunderer, cosmic muffin.. with God we are never alone.. meantime, we are... God never changes or dies... see? What we are looking for, when Friends die, Mother dies, job disappears - we are alone and need a crutch, consistent, endless, with a cool theology/story to study and from which  to learn life lessons.
 pow.
 Easy drive to Gville coffee shop, V working, misty overcast, heavy thoughts - grown-up thoughts.. I saw poster for Blues fest and feel emptiness of Music fest event - as eric says, it is more about our friendship. Celebration of our shared time. Check.
 Positive inspirational stuff - sure.
 
+++++
 Sat Oct 13.18 hm 9:45pm
 Haha - that pile of papers isn't going to sort itself! Seems neither am I! haha
 Some yard work - artistically pruning ugly neighbors sidewalk tree stump hedge - paid cell phone, and 1st COBRA month. Library return, snag 3 cool videos - Mariachi band in front of library.
 Harvest fest north Berk, fun! Zydeco, no beer, brought pbj & apple - danced a bit to them and R&B covers band.. 'tween sets walked down bike path I used to use it - when? From Albany to NBerk BART?? Community gardens near Hopkins & Peralta - chatted with coordinator, signed to volunteer, get on waiting list for future. Wow. Forward thinking.
 $575 out for COBRA, $450 in from UI.
 Pizza & gelato downtown. Bowl for groceries/Sonoma coast loop tomorrow. Enjoy this life. Live simply. Don't worry nor fear. Be real.
 Fun IMs with Karen/Vic from fest - piglets, kids, bunnies at fest..  bring pot tomorrow? A little?
 Look at job descriptions Nia sent me. Somehow hit resume hard - in terms of what jobs are out there.
 Mon afternoon: Talk to EDD about how payments work, how to work school to lengthen UI payments, and how to best utilize job resources.
 LinkedIn class Thur afternoon.
 ---
 Did paper pile - ~5piles: instructions of various sorts for file box (rice cooker, phone), job-hunting stuff, EDD stuff, healthcare-related referrals mostly, address lists for file box (after culling!), class handouts in carry bag, odd and ends.. threw away a good chunk - have to DO healthcare to clear out referrals, cull addresses, and contact EDD office with UI / School questions - pile will go down as things get done (and filed away).
 Up ~7, shower, make food, Nomad, head out ~8:30? Bringing small amount of last of Gil's weed & V. Because - it's my new life. Don't go crazy. Be responsible. Enjoy.
 Losing Mom suddenly, best friend after long bout with bone cancer, and losing long-term job after rough last year.. I'm a bit battered and bruised.. this break could wind up with me refreshed, healed, ready for next phase of life.
+++++
 Sat Oct 13.18 nm
 Yet I am happy - deserve happiness - everyone adjusts to circumstances, are about as happy as they decide to be, everyone has disappointments etc - mine are not extreme, out-of-ordinary - we need tactics, that adjust through phases of life - etc. I'm okay. I'm okay. Idea that there are groups of people out there who know secret, trick to happiness is an illusion. I'm okay. If I want more social life, join a church or something, volunteer. Classes help.
 Thu almost took a spill - sitting in front house couch reading, out front door, right leg a bit weak/numb from being crossed, almost lost it going down concrete stairs - might have been partially wearing reading glasses throw off distance to step. Be careful, I am not as agile as I used to be - weakness in right leg and glasses could add up to breakage.
 The notion that I should be job-hunting full-time, that there's a path I should follow, is making me unhappy and stressed - do all I can, organize my responsibilities, work on resume/put it up on LinkedIn, work w/Nia at OneStope, get in touch w/EDD office, Peralta schools - for now, slowly developing a plan / taking classes is good start -
 I should not feel guilty about accepting UI - there is not equivalent job for me out there, and taking classes to build MS Office/InDesign is essential - to my mental health, job-viability, etc. Point is - at this point - not to look for unrealistic perfect East Bay full-time $25hr job - unlikely to exist - more like, put myself out there, get the skills, show the good attitude, maybe someone, teacher, classmate, ex-workmate, someone hears of something, hooks me up.
 No guilt. I worked 20yrs, got dislocated through no fault of my own - it is not *my fault* the companies parted ways - I earned the unemployment insurance. It is to help me survive. I am not bullshitting anyone; when I was in my 20s, part of getting UI was lying about job-hunting - so I associate it with that stress/guilt - I'm putting myself out there - no lies. UI while going to school is totally legit. It's the right path, esp at my age. So I can be proud, that I jumped on this - school/OneStop etc - and am aiming for future employment - for a school district? Gov't job? Something. Probably not GFX - but maybe can use those skills peripherally.
 I define myself now as job hunter.
 Less time online. More time self-training.
 I do not meditate at home, sitting Shiva, but throughout the day I breath, relax my body - it's a natural part of my day-to-day living. I don't lift weights, but when I can do yard work which involves stretching squatting, digging, reaching, lifting, etc. More would be good - yes - but enjoy and be validated by what I do.
 Classes, yard work, cottage care, taking care of health via healthy food/ Cobra/ dental work/ Tilden walks, park explorations, expenses by keeping on top of unemployment benefits/ not eating out/ being cognizant of all expenses (Internet/phone/auto insurance), getting good sleep/ keeping healthy outlook, avoiding unnecessary non-value fear.
 Live life. It is the same life - expenses, food, daily self-care. We all have ups-and-downs, with or without job.
 Throwing money around was a fun activity - after years of leaning on others - friends, women, parents, in-laws - maybe I had need to give back. Karma.
 Friends. Pay attention to them. They have problems, too. Care for them. Put my problems in a box, take care of them, but don't make them my whole life.
 Today enjoy, Harvest fest in afternoon, Tilden(?), org papers I did not org yesterday, make to-do list and stick to it. Sun do River Road loop.
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 Fri Oct 12.18 nm
 Defrosted fridge, clipped nails at school parking lot, big laundry, return library videos - hanging in yard with clothes on lines - neighborhood cat loving caged catnip - lovely weather! Excel's tough, but you don't get good overnight - stick with it - online classes, youtube videos - read Buff's Civil War history a bit - leftover burrito bowl lunch -
 Break from internet/phone - keep busy.
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 Fri Oct 12.18 nm
 Slept okay - 10:30-7..then doze, managed some sad crying sobs while making breakfast/lunch - about losing job - I keep things in - this is sad and I need to feel my grief and pain about it to move forward and be human..
 Bowl last night for food food food...
 Got email responses from COBRA people and UI; questions about both:
 How to pay for COBRA, how often, how will I know - they sent 6-7 long pages- gah!
 UI is confusing -1 check on way - then nothing for next week? It's no every week? Huh? They say it's a one-year period, but only 6mos worth of weeks - check on way, but nothing then for another week - I need to go down there and talk to someone. Still, feels goof to have $450 on the way - food, wiki, phone etc.
 This afternoon - defrost fridge, laundry, tidy papers, clip fingernails, work in desk calendar, junk at end of bed can be better orgainzed.
 Resume, look at office jobs Nia sent - office manager, boring, repetitive, busy, soul-killing job.. but! New skills, and a job.. hmp..
 I am product of Capitalist Working Class.. for most part Dad's family were factory workers, Mom's were architect, teacher, pilot - drunks, depressed, smokers, financially ruined by Great Depression, Dad lost older brother in WWII, Mom lost brother to alcoholism.. yikes! Family - yuck! Lots of pain. Pain of isolating, anger, resentment, rejection..
 People are a big pain. Hell is other people. So - religion? I keep coming back to that to fill some hole.
 Class in 30.. then free afternoon and org thoughts, life, cottage...
 See if I can fix toilet handle that feels loose.
 Appt next Tues after class to drop Car at Stauder's to look at sticky window.
 For my own sake, health and happiness - being good with family would be good - look at happiness goodness with Mom & Dad created - how good and right it feels to make contact with Tom.. try with Mary again.. she knows she is difficult.. it's going to happen anyway. Engage.
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 Thu Oct 11.18 cafe across from BAS - outdoors, lovely day, cheeping birds, funky brick fountain, espresso & smoothie
 I lucked out during 2008 crash - kept job, even got cost-of-living increases.. looked at bank accounts this morning, still at least 50-60.. so I'm okay for now. No need to panic.
 Nia mentioned office head/organizer - maybe I could, maybe that would be fun - a challenge - another thing I doubt I can do, so to do it is good - looked through BAS course catalogue at Business math, accounting Excel, typing classes - yes. A direction - classes that could actually lead to job... InDesign/Office all good, too - but peripheral to 'career'.. wow - feels good to have potential direction..
 Email WLT about severance, and call EDD to see if my stuff is on order.. Nia said checks can be late,, but.. hmp. and I filled in website page 2 days late.. thanks god for savings.. I can still do one more year of WEF & Jazz Blues at this point. Is it unwise? Foolish? Yes.
 Thinking too far into future? Something to look forward to - friends, live music in river valley - thinking to contact Ferngrove, see if they'll negotiate costs down to $1K for 3 nights. Then all that's left is (4) $60 tickets.. unless there's someone we want to be close for on Blues day. Taj Majal Trio this Sat at UC Theater - but staying up/our late a no-go these days.. is it?
 Okay - now - less time online - had salad dinner last night, slept well - good InDesign class - !2pm.. Buff/DJ in NO.
 Now what? Nov-Dec classes - then Jan-May (?) classes. School. So long as cottage is stable I should be fine. Business classes. WTF? :-)
 I've contemplated some sort of metal frame for files beneath book shelves - rejected as crowding, but I think to keep things organized, info handy, keep up with payments to COBRA, updated to UI/ED, etc, needs to be done. Desk calendar by bed. Yes. I did that at work! Now need to do it at home. Yes. Today.
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 Wed Oct 10.18 hm 4pm
 After Nia mtg, talked to Peralta Junior College guy for 30mins - maybe start classes in Jan - Dec will be down time.. hmm..
 Downtown Vietnamese beef Pho & Thai iced tea.
 There are no jobs for what I do except for entry level.. Nia saying shoot for something higher.. I am doubtful, but who knows? Maybe everyone is doubtful and has to be trained, etc. Mid-level admin - first to go in a recession, but still  good job to know.. hmp.. why not? Believe in myself. I could do that. Not having a natural inclination to do that does not mean I can't do that.
 Went online for EDD, re-registered for UI - may try to call someone - , also online registered for COBRA, but not clear how I'll pay - looks likes ~$590 (with no dental nor vision).. ~$3K till Medicare. Whole new ballgame. Have not looked at Social Security page for amount yet. Sigh.
 I'm a mess. I was a mess anyway - but without routine of job, with piles of disorganized paperwork - well, it's early, as Nia keeps saying - this is just the beginning - I have time - keep moving, keep taking action. I think there's a event tomorrow early afternoon at YMCA. Look into it. Keep putting myself out there.
 Showed Nia Frida w/gun - she's never heard of Frida. No harm.
 School would be full-time. Serious frugality.
 These are easy days.. beautiful late summer, early fall..  soon comes rain & cold... prepare.
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 Wed Oct 10.18 nm
 If no word from EDD today re UI, then call. Ask about UI while in school - how to do.
 Mail in COBRA papers.
 Buff DJ lv for NO tomorrow.
 Meet Nia @1-Stop in ~1hr - have not done much, except school, plans to attend modules for LinkedIn etc - go to Oakland employment office - see what they have to offer.
 Sept was a wash, relaxing, healing - but my mind and energy is not what it was - 64, I am slowing down. I do not have 10 more working years in me I don't think. Getting off-balance, right knee not fully supporting. God will have to sort this out haha. I'll need a little luck. I need a counselor or therapist.
 Meantime, attend every class, look into every online job site, visit every state job-org, work on resume. Put myself out there, visible, LinkedIn, and see if someone says oh, I know a guy.
 Show Nia Frida with gun?
 CAL jobs site today.
 Slept okay till 3.. then rough, distracted my mind with Beth B, nude on stomach on bed, watching me shoot her friend Rebecca, Beth's one leg bent out at knee, inviting look -sign of 'Touch me'. Repeatedly to that image, "Do you want to be touched?" "Yes." stroke up and down legs, back, ass.. but O this morning with JB in 1st GT house party bathroom anal against the sink turning at last moment into reverse cowgirl in my cottage. Ouuhh, quite nice. Sex as distraction. Okay, yea, but also - TED talks, walking, exercise, working on after-class study.. it's hard - it must be done.
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 Tues Oct 9.18 nm 3pm
 Fun drive/Eric, falafel brunch in Sebastopol - then drive around backroads, stop in Forestville, other town/shops - Guerneville coffee/bookstore/flea mkt.. cool deco place on way back.. strawberries from roadside stand - was feeling weak, weird, woozy, physically dizzy.. wtf? Dropped off steam punk shelves - he was intrigued/excited  - we examined closely - 1 beer - today we looked online, couple friends joined in - turns out to be camel seats!! Fun sleuthing. Easy-peasy evening.. reheated burrito bowl w/eggs dinner.. yum!
 InDesign this morning - chat w/teacher after - show her Frida w/gun - we are friends now.. looking at stuff from Nia now - tomorrow be honest, focus is difficult - I will be in more - on Wed and after classes.. I'm not superman.. I'm here because I need support and every bit of networking I can get - dress nice - be on time - be friendly and professional - be open - follow my bliss - enjoy life - there's always stress - this is not that much different - it's not as bad as Mom and Gil dying.. beautiful weather, day with Eric - mood generally good - future grim, but then it was never golden - work work work that's all.. enjoy what you can :-)
 Follow my bliss, but don't quit my day job. Market Frida. Somehow. Every way.
 This is 64. Healthy. Happy, with friends, and not a bad person - in fact, I am a good person.
 "They raised us to be good people. It took a while, but we got there."
 I need more eggs - get eggs. Defrost fridge. Yard really today - a bit of Cincinnati-style.
 ---
 Okay - went over all the things Nia sent - made notes about which events/trainings to attend, made another attempt at resume, but uncertain how to state what I did - which required fast-paced multi-tasking in-taking jobs from around world, coordinating with IT, HR, Recruiting, etc for both training and GFX-relayed work - it was good, but on the other hand, it is just normal office work (I think), so how to phrase/it/sell myself without over-stating
 Make a bullet list of all I did
 Then org by category
 Then make into a few paragraphs, and a few bullets.
 Maybe not to show how valuable my skills are, but what Kind of worker I am. I had many irons in many fires - did outreach to find where I had value, then engaged - what do you need? I can help with that.
 ---
 Lifestyle changes:
 TED talks to introduce me to new ideas
 Training support from YMCA & EDD etc to get in flow
 Hours at OneStop as office to stay organized
 Printer might be good, are lists so important, printed info? Worth $$ and lost cottage space?
 Nia/OneStop can point me in good direction, but I need to take action.

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 Mon Oct 8.18 nm
 9:30 - leaving for SR shortly - bringing steampunk shelves - also, food
 Jude pushed back meeting to see 80s pool photos she & Lynn took till Nov 10. She is doing me a favor. All my mental nonsense means nothing. Let go. I want to see photos out of curiosity. Maybe there's hardly any - 5 or 10 - maybe they are non-revealing close-ups - let go of any preconceived notions - it's cool she'd even consider it, why should she? she doesn't even know me. Be grateful. If it doesn't happen it's for me to let go. Sure is taking up lots of mental space for decades!
 A bit stressed this morning, but slept okay - normal future tripping, with out comfort of work routine/busyness/fatigue/paychecks. I'm okay. Weekend are easier to enjoy because mentally still adjusted to Sat/Suns being 'free time'.
 Sun
was beautiful Autumn day - yes! ~5 Starry Plough, 1 IPA, corned beef & cabbage/mashed potatoes - yummy!! And Football. Cool.
 DJ asked about chopping side path overhang - mentioned to Buff, not much hope there - chopped a bunch back - has to all come down because foliage is up at rooftop.. anyway, got it started; also dig up Australian bush stuff from front yard.
 DJ/Buff to NO next Thurs. for 10 days! Laundry :-).
 This is my life now. Please procrastinate less - get things done - I feel better, enjoy life more, less stressed and better sense of what's going on when things are taken care of. No excuse. Do it. The confidence I feel will benefit me in many ways. People will sense it. Understandable - I need not be super man - but do it anyway, just because it's right and will make me happier.
 Paperback cover posted to fb Pulp group - My Ties Are too Nice on way to being most liked post on group. Yay.
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 Sun Oct 7.18 nm
 ooouuugghhh.. so nice.. a few chores today (email WL about severance, sign/mail COBRA papers), but easy - hour on resume would do (Nia did say don't stress trying to make it perfect)..
 Bed ~10, up for an hour ~3, sleep in till <9.. beautiful autumn morning, sunny, windy, leaves falling, birds cheeping, fragrance of dried leaves on cool breeze..
 This is my life now.. my life now is going to school and preparing to job hunt - it's okay to enjoy this relaxing free time.. just.. sitting.. not trying to fill ever hour and pretend bi-weekly paycheck fulfill all my needs...sure, why not? Mostly my change of mental outlook - further I go, more difficult it may be to get back into work mentality - assuming I get a job ever again.. meantime, this is now... I have no choice, I am here now no matter what I think..
 Bowl last night for burrito in bowl, fruit, salads etc.. slept well..
 Tentative visit some weekend this month to see J's '79 pics from Davis pool.. weird situation.. but once there it'll be cool - don't bring my neurosis and weird nostalgic trying to recapture sexual intensity into it - keep an distance, just 2 photographers looking at photos - some of my sexual intensity around L slops into J.. but once we actually meet it'll be easier I suspect.. be cool, be myself, be honest, it's awkward but I can handle it.. expect nothing.. only do what we have agreed to do, look at photos.. as photographers.. with our photographers' eyes..
 I let sexual scenarios play out this morning, but they did not progress past oral servicing, nothing related to any reality or concern for a person.. more taking advantage of opportunities in a way that would not truly satisfy either of us, in the way that simple human contact can.. let it al play out in my head.. let it happen... my sexual feelings around L, which not not translate into actual sexual attraction past her image/surface - have nothing to do w/J..
 Some IMs w/N around K and the memorial, where ex Scott band members were not invited... awkward!!
 Thought about Dad & class - maybe post-WWII there was more slop - but he was from working class family, worked his way up through shear energy work focus intelligence - he had friends who were doctors, lawyers, artists etc.. from wealthier backgrounds.. he Roman Catholic w/6 kids, never gave up.. never gave up - persistent - sometimes angry - forgive him that.. forgive myself my flaws..
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 Sat Oct 6.18 4:30 Peets downtown
 Photoshop 9-4 - dang - I knew lots, but lots I don't esp about masks. Brought PBJ & falafel balls/hummus/pita - worked fine.
 Practice InDesign, Word, Excel, Photoshop - classes good, if I'm gonna learn need to spend more time at school practice time.
 Who am I? Post-hippie California Marin country wanna be? Marin county sexy sunset hot tubs like in ads and articles - yes - fantasy I still pursue, hiking in Pt Reyes music in Nicasio - tho it is nice! Why not? I'm just a worker. Man's got to dream, comes with territory.
 Sun org, work on resume, what to have on website etc. COBRA & email for info re severance.
 Fri morning - didn't sleep well - from Thur Rockridge espresso? Watch that - groggy Excel class - afternoon nap till ~5, laundry - yes, good to have bed clothes done, been sweaty.. Sesame chicken from Chinese take-out place - meh!
 General stress about "I ought to be doing something!!" not helpful.. notes, lists - maybe I do want a printer to help me org, have info handy - but $100? Hmp.
 Okey-dokey.. I think about pleasure of a woman's body, soft cushiony moist pussy slope of strong back, feet but without a relationship - eh! Sigh.
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 Fri Oct 5.18 nm
 Thu sit around - not getting anything done - resting - lazing - nice; salad, ~3 Temescal recreation area up Broadway to 24 - hidden! walked around lake - up rock stairs to old waterfall - it looked familiar? Stop in Rockridge for espresso, cheese - did not sleep well last night - watch the coffee!
 Found vid/stills of sexy pic *&I liked - shared some. Fun.
 Having talked w/Stacey about Sh stuff (asking for current nudes years ago), pulled up old IMs.. oh, lots of real-time info around suicide! We were all raw - parents talking to parents to principles to friends - info being shared.. I'd forgotten a lot.. some was comforting.. G&K wanting me to be nice to K. Reading about me & JB, vs. Scott, etc.. that was 1983! 35yrs ago. It was traumatic, because those 2 were all I had - I was living in my car! - , so losing them both was a disaster, trying to pretend I was cool about them having a thing was emotionally damaging. Good to be over it. Let the bruise fade. Do not nurse it. Let go.
 Reheat Stacey beef stew, put on ramen, eat in back yard w/Buff. Talk noir, light, trees, baseball, etc.
 Maybe stay at BAS, work more on resume. Check UI again - when to expect first card? Did I misunderstand something? Where is severance check?
 I'm enjoying this downtime. I recognize this side of me - I'm okay with doing nothing, except for tension about feeling I ought to be doing something.
 Shower and work dress this morning - new Ross trousers after class? Dress for success.
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 Thu Oct 4.18 nm
 Teacher out sick, so no InDesign today. Day off! I'll take it. Slept in till8 - lots of dreaming but not remembering any.
 Guilt about not working - losing one's job one is confronted with how we are defined by society's norms and expectations - who are we, without work? Who am I? Filling time, visiting parks.. fun yes.
 Wed thinking Tilden, then head up Ashby to overlook Shelley & I used to visit - sunsets? Pot? That was a long time ago.. 1985 fuck.. 30+yrs ago - youth. Kept going to see about Lake Anza - easy to find, past carousel turnoff - overcast but nice - PBJ/apple - small beach, cool, almost no one - walk around lake parameter - rocky, sometimes steep, one lizard and one heron.. remembered I'd been wanting to sit by a lake, in Oregon, for years.. get a low chair, and sit by this lake.. yes..
 Home, Starry Plough for A's wildcard game, burger/fries/1 IPA_
 Today could look for work trousers at Ross, visit Lake Temescal - look over resumes Nia sent me - more info on EDD place, is it worth visiting? Yes, visit - keep active - it's okay to chill and vacation - enjoy this free time, do things I otherwise can't do when working to avoid regrets -
 Stay late at WIAO after Excel class tomorrow., work on resume, look through EDD webpage. Today - enjoy chill time. Taste of what it's like not to work. Is self-employment an option? What could I do?
 Work is indeed how we define ourselves - I also have 80s GT/rock, which got attention for my photography, also viral Fridas.. nice experience - grateful - do I need to define myself? Have I had enough? Is it time to join a church of some sort to bring some light and good into this evil old earth and let go of my ego?
 Let go.
 Spending time looking at old comic books, old movies, old video games - look into new stuff, too...
 Be here now. Get a job. Not to define myself, but because I need to eat.
 Front and center, in front of kick drum, June 2018 Gville Blues - man, that was fine.

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 Wed Oct 3.18 nm
Tues after class, sat in WIAO office, organized papers, read mail from EDD/COBRA - good to get organized! - typed up bullet list of ToDos and printed, as well as notes, 5-6 bullets for resume - actions I took solo and as part of team, under pressure, to get client what they needed etc. Not sure, but looks like EDD is already approved (?), only good for 6 months - looked like COBRA is <$600/mo? Don't assume - but both would be good.
 After, drove around north Berkeley, sat in Live Oak park watched young men toss frisbee, visited LOP building - mostly for kids - stroll under street to visit Berkeley Arts building - closed, then Berkeley Cheese Board, 2 slices of pizza, gelato across street. Stop at office supply, folders some in expensive packs, printers large and ink expensive. Do I need a $200 wireless printer/scanner?
 Something has changed.. ? Mental/physical shift.. tipping point..?
 Ready to job hunt.. feeling like there is something out there... classes helping, not just place-holders - Excel immediately moved into 'basic' stuff I sort of know.. InDesign moving into more complex, multi-master things.. yes, yikes! Time to invest time in practice..
 K says come visit, but then we both say not a good time to spend $$ - if not now when? Short visit to King's Lynn - wasted, constipated, in strange place, jet-lagged, pressured to be social - ugh!.. sorry, but true.. it's not a vacation, it's an ordeal.. in end K sort of admitted my visiting may not work..
 This free unemployed time beginning to feel like end of necessary vacation - rested.. lots of dreaming! Last night traveling, suitcase, people socializing then are gone - I kill someone with automatic weapon, tell people in room not to say it was me - since when do I dream of murdering anonymous people?
 Anyway - slept in till ~9, bit of yard chipping, easy-going overcast clean-air morning.. IM'ing @Nomad.. home now for food, then shower trouser hunt at Goodwill.. start dressing for class like I'd dress for work..
 Sat Photoshop class all day
 Mon off, visit Eric, drop off steampunk shelves
 Wed visit EDD place early, take # - make appt? - check out what they have to offer - phone call 1st?
 Today - maybe get in a hike. Today is my 'day off' - so maybe trouser hunt Th-Fri afternoon.
 UBER card in drawer - mostly using bank card.. $400+ on Visa, which I just paid.
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 “On behalf of Amy, I’d like to thank the devil and all the dark lords who gave her this award and allowed her to feast on the flesh of the innocent.”
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 Mon Oct 1.18 nm 4:11pm
 Sluggish, barely motivated - class was good - beginning Excel and quickly running into valuable info I did not know! Cool - need to practice -
 Was thinking about lies - my history of lies, esp after talking to Stacey about asking S for nudes, and story I'd built around it - not entirely made-up, but not accurate either - a lie I'd told myself; related then to lying about early attraction to * in ** - again, not a lie, but not taking full responsibility for my actions, as if her appeal and offer made it her fault - I wanted it, and said yes; back to 70s saying I knew illustrator Brad Holland (lie), and in Davis that I "knew Steve Wynn" - no - being in same room, knowing people who knew him does not count as me knowing him. I built myself up because my ego was fragile. I knew gossip, meaning I knew people who knew people the gossip was about - but did not really know them. well, I knew Scott & Donnie a little - still - it was what is was - I'm human - people pad their resumes at all levels.
  - okay - class - new bulbs for ceiling fixture - gonna rain tonight - paid rent - watched Duke Nuke'em walk throughs - which I enjoy!
 Now read COBRA thing, and see how to make appt at EDD place - maybe Wednesday?
 Posted nice birthday pic of Mark/Shelley/John Henry & Marge w/cake - wasn't sure if it was okay - looked up how to refer to him - ex-father-in-law seemed harsh (?), I said 'former, but still dear'. Perfect. Shelley thanks me for posting, and several relatives 'liked' commented. I did a good thing.
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 Mon Oct 1.18 nm
 Boy, kind of a mess over Davis/LaFreniere visit - I think, readjustment, reassessment - just - a feeling of loss comes with the gain... nothing has changed, except my letting go of illusions fear and resentments - so it's good - but it's also shining a light on my own humanity - give it a day or two to forgive myself.. and yeah, lifestyle differences.. drugs and conspiracy theories..
 Feeling loss of family, in-laws, might-have-beens.. security..
 Anyway, Sun nice day, would have been nice to be in nature, but physically, mentally needed to sit still, heal adjustments.. letting go meant letting go of resentments that were actually attachments, you see - like E & K - so no attachments at all to S.. better late than never.. glad to be rid of them.. heavy..
 Stress/worry about unemployment, having trouble focusing on UI & COBRA - bringing it to that support lady today.. need to explain job hunt/see about full-time school - how does that work - COBRA - need to focus.. maybe visit UI office in Oakland if necessary.. find out how to work school/UI thing.. essential - job retraining..
 Weather nice - bought strawberries/raspberries etc food! Starvation diet freaks me out.
 Last night hours of Duke Nuk'em vids.. hmm..
 Life is good. I'm in an emotional state about LaFreniere visit. Last birthday, 80th - 2008, after I left, went to Davis cemetery, fell to knees: loss of family/ network/ familiar faces/ emotional/financial support hit hard..
 Okay - so this is life - it is hard, ups and downs, pleasure and pain.. get used to it, face it, keep moving and do the best I can.
 Next step I see is spending more time practicing skills I'm learning at Adult School - stay late/work in InDesign etc.
 How to job hunt w/conflict of needing school/training? Conflict causing stress - figure it out. Call EDD - ask advise. Visit Oakland center.
 Buy new day-to-day pants - mine have holes in ass.
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 Sun Sep 30.18 nm
 Sat John Henry's 90th in Davis
 Nomad, yard - uncover paving stones in front
 Shower, salad, black slacks (not threadbare grubbies, in honor of John), Mexican shirt/sandals. Bring sushi laptop etc.
 Leave ~12:30 for 1pm party - drive pretty easy, nice day, sunny, tapes: GT board tapes, LN, IBC.. eventually took it out, too much GT-era nostalgia for one day! Downtown Davis PEETs, Internet to prepare.. gently brace myself.. arrive ~3.. step in hat/sunglasses - lots of people already there - cousin Jeff! old & gray.. me, too.. last time up there was for John's 80th? Hello here & there - hello Shelley quick hug.. we now have shared Gil loss.. various groups, carrying dogs around.. John & bro Elliot really glad to see me.. cake, small splashes of beer & wine, enough to get loose but not at all intoxicated that I could tell..
 Chris rambled about property, invited me out, near end Shelley invited.. I said I'd like to.. I do want to.. be free of all old resentments, shame, fear.. invitation/acceptance important, equally important that there is follow-up action.. looking back now, I see I was not feeling any old stuff while there, just natural uncertainty - I am ex-husband.. but focus was honoring John Henry, so role as past son-in-law prioritized.
 Good day, in every way.. sat around fire pit at night, Jeff/Chris/Mark sharing conspiracy theories.. I kidded a little, but tried to respond respectfully, without challenging or patronizing, sat near John & Elliot - it was important to be present/near. Emotional good-bye for both of us. Reminded us of long days together.
 Sadness for what once was - nostalgia? Some of that sure - missing a person who was once part of your life - but there's also a thing about John, who was always there for me - as was Marge. Once family, always family?
 Uncertain about this - but Gil would have liked, I would have liked, if things were better between Donnette & I, and Shelley & I - missed that (it would have been more fun for me to be part of Shelley/Donnette/Gil friendship) - I think it would please Marge & John if Shelley & I got along better, so would like to have that cleared out, maybe for my own sake, so that irritation is not part of my relationship with them.
 Lv ~8, stop at freeway entrance for gas, chicken wrap, pretzels - energy good - drive home easy.. after restlessness, slept in till almost 10..
 Thus hang w/Stacey, I walked back story that request from S for nudes was no big deal, unexpected over-reaction on her part.. there was sexual tension on my part, and also I was tired of her, so asking rudely, almost a demand, rather than a delicately sensitively parsed request - was my way of ending it - have not missed it, so yeah. At least I'm self-aware enough to admit it.
 COBRA, resume, job-hunt EDD stuff can wait for tomorrow - yesterday was emotional, in a good way, but big emotions - chill today, let dust settle. Tilden walk/bike sounds good. Water - can I go sit near Lake Anza, near water?
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