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Blog 68
May 2008
Biking, vacation, Berk Rep Figaro, WEF LaFrenieres, halve kl prescription

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 Jun 1.08 Nomad
 Recorded night with voice activated recorder; worked perfectly - a lot of bunny click-clack water drinking, most all of which I slept through. From me: a few short, low moans leading into soft snoring for about 2 minutes? Not too bad - very odd waking up and immediately turning on recorder to listen to me - cinematic almost a scary moment, what happens when I'm out? As I was falling asleep last night the dynamic was scary - unpleasantly frightened, like movie where you are hoping to discover when the monsters come, and you are unable to protect yourself or your loved ones; what if I recorded something terrifying, though I couldn't imagine what, but in trying to imagine I scared myself - had to shake myself out of it, but falling  and staying asleep was fitful - it was a feeling that I might actually record my dreams, myself - asleep you are so vulnerable, and the recorder - unlike a bad dream or a monster - was not going to wake me up and stop whatever was happening. But I figured to do it and I'd get used to it - leave myself vulnerable - my little snores - Andy Warhol's Sleep came to mind - I felt an odd affection for myself hearing them.
 Slept in as much as possible, but not much. No plans today, except pick up prescriptions and finish file organization. Returning to work feels neutral - except not looking forward to 6hr training days in LA, or Symphony fiasco. But I guess I don't mind, not hating on it, and looking forward to returning to the YouTube creative projects, and even creative work projects.
 Okay.
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 Sat May 31.08 II
 Radio Shack for $60 voice-activated recorder - man they try to sell you so many extras, it's annoying; I feel like Jimmy Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life: "Stop it, will you? Just stop it! Stop it!" Anyway, an indulgent toy I wanted. Fun! I will be able to hear when - not if - I snore, how much, and if  talk in my sleep! Oooh! I could even use it for other ideas... I dunno, I'm kind of excited about it toy-wise.
 NoBerk for yard sales - cool tacky Doors hanging from yard sale free bag. Car wouldn't start at Lincoln & Grant; borrowed phone, AAA truck came and jumped me - but I was pretty sure it wasn't the battery, 'cause it was just too sudden. Work, work, work, don't work. Nah! Got home and sure enough it wouldn't restart - battery guy came out and says it's the alternator - which discharges battery when car is running. First I've heard of it. Drive it down tomorrow and bike back.
 Started on file box organizing: car, travel, correspondence, application/manuals, Internet folders. Cool. Good to have it organized. Some of this stuff will have to go into boxes.
 Napped with voice activated recorder on: Bunny drinking nose (clank clank clank - pause - clank clank clank - pause... forever), an airplane - no snores 'cause I was on my side. Deep sleep. Often awake from the naps a little blue/funky. But can snap out of it.
 Biked downtown for prescription but counter was closed; Comic Relief and Chinese curry chicken dinner. returned live Iggy to Reel.
 Josqin's foot bothering him a lot - I see him picking it up over and over, a moment ago I think I heard him groan in discomfort. Damn. What to do? It doesn't seem to be getting ay better. Craig's list. He is still very excited about food and pets, but that damn fucking leg. Sigh.
 10pm - alternator broke, not driving anywhere tomorrow, except to drop car off at Orange - just, hang out, or bike across town for meds/exercise? Finish file organizing, and a bit more general surface tidying. Yes.
 ~1985?

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 Sat May 31.08 I
 Yest - home hang, 1/4kl/rb Tilden hike - started up the usual hillside around Crystal lake, decided to change it up, reverse loop up tiny/unmarked trail, straight up to top, stopped to meditate - that was great - a little alone time.
 I'm finally alone just like I've always wanted to be
 Found me a home so how come I'm not feeling free
 From parents to alleys to women and now to this shack
 It's not much to look at but damned if I'll ever go back
 Tried to cut through deer trails on treacherously steep hillside, and poison oak underbrush, to get to trails on redwood hill below, took a good fall when my feet dropped out beneath me on a slick hill beneath a tree -scraped elbow, felt the hard thump on my back, but it was leafy and cushioned. I was sort of off trail, and getting to be 4'ish and chilly. If I'd hurt myself, broken a leg or something it could have been a problem, 'cause park was pretty empty, weekday. Hmp. Something to think about.
 I was thinking I wanted to be in nature alone, thought who I would not want to run onto, an image of Chae in hiking shorts coming around the corner filled me with good feelings - nostalgia for our hikes - I was surprised, expecting to feel discomfort, instead feeling nostalgic and lonely.
 Walked through lots of poison oak; wanted to get home and out of clothes/into hot shower; but first: Wash hands/arms at Tilden info center, walk-through EBay history exhibit - grabbed maps, top of Solano burrito/cookie, NoBerk BoA, Black Oak Books, Peet's for mocha - then finally home for long, hot shower - yum! Rb/bike to WF for bunny food, yogurts etc.
 Weighed myself yest - 220!?! That was after a long day of eating - brunch at Homemade Cafe, Italian pest eggs/side of bacon - mmmm!!! Still - frustrated and upset about my weight. A bit. Sometimes  often I'm cool with it, because acceptance is better than self-loathing etc etc. It's a little scary to see the weight go up and up and I seem to have no control over it - like it's happening to me, like aging, like pregnancy/ childbirth - like, a disease - I want some control is all, I want to be able to stop it.
 How do I stop it?
 Get a grip, talk to someone - talk to  my doctor - ask to talk to someone.
 Woke ~6:30 after good sleep - some wild raccoon/cat rumpus on roof in middle of night, I'm used to it - woke startled to a loud snort! Today go by RadioShack and buy a voice activated recorder - I want to know if I snore all night or talk in my sleep.
 Lots of bunny petting - he misses it and sits still for it - but his leg still bothering him a lot, and his growing back fur stiff, and lots of hard clumpy areas. Get someone to shampoo him? Bunny shampoos? Craig's List?
 Look for yard sales today - it's overcast and cold - perfect - chill - relax - easier when balmy weather isn't calling me to run out looking for excitement... pulled all the folders out of file box - probably really easy once started -
 Okay... ~1985

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 Fri May 30.08
 Slept somewhat fitfully - odd - a bit of conflict between mind saying "go you and DO things." and body saying stay put, lay down - rest yourself. Whole point of these days off was to lay still - and I still think that's best. Good to come conscious slowly this morning, mind unveils a surprising array of thoughts and memories - Adrienne C, the father/son puzzle, family in general, but lots of random events and easy flow into what's next this moment. This moment. Family reminds me of all the old "bad" times. I call them bad now, but being young stupid ignorant irresponsible driving parents crazy hostile towards authority - isn't that normal?? Why should I be ashamed or embarrassed about going though what everyone - to some degree or another - go through. I didn't wind up going to jail, or impregnating a girl and marrying her, or overdosing, or killing someone - though, I really really tried, but who doesn't - the tabloids are alive with cautionary tales of celebrities doing it so we don't have to.
 Tara picked up bronze begging dog at Nomad, left $100 check. Done. Maybe I'll keep penis dog.  
Maybe that's what I really wanted all along. When I imagined keeping them or not, it was always the penis dog I imagined or not on a shelf in some future, larger apartment that I've never had. I've never had my own apartment. Rooms in houses, rooms with girls... a car... the street... the cottage comes closest. What does that say?
 Okayeee..... still thinking about maybe overnight to Santa Cruz tomorrow night - Saturday night on the boardwalk... and, still rethinking Figaro tonight. Could, but do I want to... for the music? It's lonnnggg, first 1/4 drags... but the musiccc... see how I feel, if I have a burst of energy and want to I can...
 I've made too much drama around the dermatologist call and the file organization - wonder why - doctors make me nervous - doctors and hospitals mean you're going to die... they don't love you like momma, just sterile institutions that make money off of illness - I don't trust them, and if I ask to many questions and assert my rights I risk being poisoned by angry power-mad doctor's unconscious retaliations - there's no reward for asking pointed questions and being skeptical - only total acquiescence to whatever one doctor says at that moment gets you - in theory - 100% life-saving treatment. So, yeah, I'm nervous. Make notes, ask questions, and take .5kl beforehand. If I really feel like I'm not being heard, not being respected, politely excuse myself and leave the building. I can choose to refuse treatment. Do both today. No biggy.
 Muarkami Haruki's Super-Frog Saves Tokyo at the Rep. Loved that.***
  'Katagiri looked at his own hand for a while, then watched the smoke rising from his cigarette. Finally, he spoke. “You know Mr. Frog, I’m just an ordinary person.”
  “Make that ‘Frog,’ please,” Frog said, but Katagiri let it go.
  “I’m an absolutely ordinary guy. Less than ordinary. I’m going bald, I’m getting a potbelly, I turned 40 last month. My feet are flat. The doctor told me recently that I have diabetic tendencies. It’s been three months or more since I last slept with a woman—and I had to pay for it. I do get some recognition within the division for my ability to collect on loans, but no real respect. I don’t have a single person who likes me, either at work or in my private life. I don’t know how to talk to people, and I’m bad with strangers, so I never make friends. I have no athletic ability, I’m tone-deaf, short, phimotic, nearsighted—and astigmatic. I live a horrible life. All I do is eat, sleep and shit. I don’t know why I’m even living. Why should a person like me have to be the one to save Tokyo?”
  “Because, Mr. Katagiri, Tokyo can only be saved by a person like you. And it’s for people like you that I am tying to save Tokyo.'

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 Thu May 29.08 II
 No word from Tara if she picked up the bronze dog at Nomad - check tomorrow morning.
 Looked into Berkeley Rep Figaro repeat viewing, decided against it. No much today - some weeding, lots of Internet, more desk organize, renew prescription, check out House Rabbit site, cleaned bunny cage (I put down a towel, thinking it would be more comfortable for his feet or ass or whatever's hurting, but he started tearing up newspaper, so I gave him some more - I think he likes smooth newspaper/paperback book pages best for nesting/flooring); like yesterday, I took him out, held him upside-down in my lap and examined him. His asshole seemed pink and like it might be swollen - do bunnies get hemorrhoids?
 Read and played in photoshop, talked with Buff about laptop loan - I hadn't cleared up that was I was thinking short-term loan while they got their Mac fixed, not a semi-permanent thing - I kept putting it off, and had forgotten, should have cleared it up soon as I realized there was a misunderstanding.
 Thought about Tilden hike but took a deee-e-e-p nap instead.
 LaFiesta for dinner; Moes: big book about the Ramones - I never knew, but do now, know the difference between Johnny (Nazi boss) and DeeDee (addict) and the rest, also May Pang's book of Lennon photos - which, to my surprise, did not disappoint - re-read In His Own Write - which was surprisingly politically incorrect, even flat-out offensive.
 New toilet seat works fine. And it's purdy.
 After Moe's Amoeba - book of Lou Reed lyrics had got me thinking about maybe buying Street Hassle - what a depressing album!, great though! - instead stumbled on GBV's Austin City Limits DVD and shot $20 on that. Kind of excited - maybe put some on YouTube?
 Tomorrow... more easy time? Olampoli? Pt Reyes? I put air in the slow-leak tire and the tank is full. Or stay home and do those last things - dermatologist and file organization - and who knows, maybe look into the Rep after all, with after performance talk with cast members.
 What about Santa Cruz Saturday.. get a hotel, bring my bike, afternoon nap, boardwalk at night, head home in the morning - it's only an hour drive I think - nice coast thing. Hmmm...
 1990

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 Thu May 29.08 I
 Got up with 6am alarm (classical music station), drowsed, checked web - news, email - showered, extra food and water for Josqin, shorts and t-shirts, 2 days' worth of meds, WF salad and curry chicken. Sat on the chair thinking do I really want to go, what does it entail - the idea of hanging out naked or nearly naked in a poll, knowing no one, in an outdoor place - lovely nature, a 3-mile redwood hike nearby, gardens, etc - but a place filed with strangers - made me a bit uncomfortable. But I thought - exactly - do it, face the discomfort - otherwise how do I know. I'll find the comfortable way to do it. Grabbed the print out about Orr to get directions - there was the # - thought okay I'll call, about are they open? How much for a room? That's only smart. No one answers the phone till 11am, the recorded message said, and overnights are by reservation only. Oh. Well, I can't go then.
 I thought, "Good." and relaxed back into the chair; felt good and relaxed. Felt good to be up, awake, bathed and organized. It's a 4hr drive to Ukiah, maybe another 30-45 to Orr, I wasn't looking forward to a minimum of 10hrs driving - way home is either 4.5hrs back down 101, or potential drive down coastal 1 - many hours of sometimes treacherous driving. It was an awful lot of effort to get to this pretty place and soak in a tub. I wanted it - wanted to do it to wash away the crust of hippie miscarriages it carries in my mind - make it now, make it new, here, today - but it will wait. I took this week off to get life / home in order - not go road-tripping, unless the mood hit! And, no, not feeling that restless. But I showed  myself I'm willing to do it - get up early - and was able to sleep well in spite of early morning plans that in the past might have stressed me and left me sleepless.
 I was regretting that the Orr trip would take time away from tasks at home. There's plenty to keep me occupied today - including: Dermatologist appt, prescription refills, hike, organize folders with travel / car / correspondence, etc folders.
 And there will be, Allah be praised, other times for road trips.
 If I'd called yesterday, I'd be near Santa Rosa now, looking at another hour to Hopland, another to Willits, another to Ukiah - and noon hit Orr. Instead I am home, Nomad, mocha, banana, muffin, NYT, Internet - all day, and 3 more after, to do what I like. Refuckinglax. I was looking forward to the trip, just not the arrival. Or the hours on the road. Maybe next time - a mid-week 3-day/2night vacation, yes. I can still do an overnight at Japantown this weekend if I want - Japantown is close to Palace of Legion of Honor.
 Tonight look into Figaro again.
 Tonya late 70s

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 Wed May 28.08 Pt II
 Pretty productive day: cleared side of cottage, pried up rocks, cleared bed by cottage window, sidewalk beds, planted orchids cuttings by buffocado tree, put on new decorated toilet seat; Buff thinks toilet leak is fixed, it's not leaking into the bucket anymore, so that's good.
 Josqin remains in cage, seems okay with it. He was bleeding from his heel last night - the sight of bright red blood on his newspapers made my heart sink, but he doesn't seem to be suffering, just stumbling, can't put weight on it. He scrambled out of the cage tonight when I was replacing his litter; then let me pick him up and lower him back in. I guess he's getting used to it out of necessity - easier to let me do it. Gave him lots of straw.
 I dug having the whole bed to stretch out in this morning. It didn't seem so very different, but it did seem right.
 ~5 biked to Telegraph - wearing helmet! - for La Fiesta, Moe's, old fashioned chocolate-glazed, down to Reel to return Shortbus and Loss of Sexual Innocence, picked up Iggy live in Detroit - maybe watch some tonight while dozing off.
 Dropped bronze begging dog off at Nomad for Tara to pick up tomorrow morning.
 Tentative plan is to get upat 6, shower and leave by 7 - how likely is that? I don't know - but it might be fun. Got a fairly good workout today with yardwork and biking, a long hot soak sounds marvy. Maybe camp out, or stay in the main lodge? Just show up then, and let it happen. Sure, why not? Back down the coast Friday and home most likely - Friday night the hotel prices wil be nuts.
 Got to pile of papers/negs/letters/announcements/books/comics on the desk - scattered them around to where they belong. Books look better - files still chaotic. Didn't call dermatologist. Boooo! Tried speakers from SRosa - didn't work, started to, then stopped - not enough juice? Do they needs some card or amplifier? Hope not, but need to read the manual. Booo!
 Win some, lose some.
 Bedtime. Haven't heard from her. A little sore from the yard work, in a good way. Early in the day had "You should be doing something more with your vacation!" demons, but all the suggestion the demons made I didn't really want to do - I wanted to do what I did: Nomad, yardwork, cottage clean, bike to Mexican food, rent an Iggy video. I rock.

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 Wed May 28.08 Pt I
 Did yesterday happen? Up relatively early - 1/2 asleep all day - drove to SRosa for big sushi feast with Eric.
 Arrived ~10:45 driving on fumes - filled it up for ~$60. 2 beers right away - just for fun, catching up, getting Killing Joke, handing over Judah comic pore, Japanese bathing figures, Alien Pig Farm 3000, etc...
 ...to Sushi, then electronics store for backup external drive for him ($25 4G sticks for us both), and good Bose speakers for me - $300+ - damn me for shopping after sake and sushi - then to Peet's, and home - stuck in a parking lot 'cause of a big wreck near Petaluma with overturned trucks and Vulvas and everything.
 Dang...$100 sushi, $320 electronics (not that I mind, it was fun, stuff I and Eric need, so cool) - but that $420 plus the weekend books $60 comics, $75 art book, $75 Bind = 420+210: $630 - my paranoid brain wonders how much had to do with the propagandizing around $600 government check - free money - damn it. Well, it was fun, and reservations about helping Bush's legacy are misguided, and anyway there's no saving it.
 Home to deep nap for hours - bunny in cage - Nomad for hot chocolate and emails - home to bed early, Hitler bio. Sleep a big shaky, stayed in bed as long as I wanted. Email Tara about bronze begging dog for $100, Marge about photo albums, etc.
 I think what I want to do is go home now, shower, clear crap off desk, organize folders, etc - do the cottage - maybe even do the side of the cottage. Do all that stuff today - then have 4 days real loose - maybe leave early and drive in a sleepy fog to Ukiah and Orr. Also today call dermatologist at a minimum, take that step - that may bust up the ice flow. Throw stuff out. Set up the speakers - where? Above bed?
 Newspaper now. Then home. 11:38. Scott McClellan's book slams Bush and administration - esp dishonestly about reasons for Iraq war - White House's response pretty weak - their credibility so shot their defenses sound purely political. No one believes a word they say. Someone from inner circle says reason for invading Iraq was to transform Mideast towards democracy, and WMD rationale was spun propaganda to grow U.S. peoples' support; Rove says McClellan sounds like a liberal - then he concedes the truth to liberals. No one I know of has yet come forward and said McClellan is lying or wrong about Bush's reasons for war not being WMD - by their silence are they conceding the ground? I've seen the question asked here and there: What was real reason for going to war of choice in Iraq - Bush says 'No choice! WMD! WMD! WMD!' - now one of his closet associates says it wasn't so. Says WMD was an excuse for Wilsonian adventurism. Owch.
 I don't care if McClellan is a scumbag - truth is good. Will Bush ever concede that WMD was a cover? Would that actually help his legacy, to hear him speak truth for once? Can't hurt. But if he concedes it, he is a war criminal - so he never can.
 ~1977

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 Tue May 27.08
 1/2 asleep at Nomad - leaving for S Rosa in 45min - sushi!!
 Slept good - lots of dreams - most having to do with current events -
 Seems like a year or so ago there was a year or 2 period of physical stuff - teeth breaking up, mole on eyelid, under armpit, constant stiff neck and back - how much was tension over aging? Was some just physical? It's gotten better - is that because of the at? Was it the build-up of tension and associated physical ailments that placed me finally in the doctor's chair saying that stress / anxiety was keeping me from living the life I wanted, taking advantage of the opportunities life offered? Because physically I'm better now - and has physical improvement paralleled mental improvement? Seems like it.
 Bunny in cage last night - doesn't seem upset; and I'm okay, too - in fact, it was nice waking this morning with extra space, and not worried about rolling over or accidentally hutting the bunny when I woke and stretched. And my caveman brain not worried about the furry sharp-toothed monster in my bed waiting for the right moment to rip the skin off my testicles.
 Hmmmm...
 Maybe 1 night in Orr - ? Be a nice drive -4 hours? Come back down the coast? Stay a night somewhere else? Be good just to check it out - plan 1 night, do a 2nd if I desire. Fri night in Japantown?
 No kl today - it makes me goofy.
 It only just now occurred to me that this is a day off and the others are at work now. Disconnect. Good.
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 Mon May 26.08 II
 Kind if useless all day, not no plans so a good chill out time after somewhat busy weekend.
 GG tonight w/Sooz - she's gonna sew broken Chile bag, and we made tentative planes for renewing Xo's CD at Mechanics.
 Decided - after re-doing bedding today - to cage Josqin for a week or two, sort of try to re-set his instinct to pee and poo and eat in his cage, not on the bed. I don't now if his peeing is marking territory (he tends to do it on the edges, away from where he lives), or just not wanting to deal with getting back to the cage, not wanting to leave warmth of covers (with his fur all thin on top, he probably gets chills). Also, spending a week or two in the cage might give him a chance to heal whatever's wrong with his hindquarters/back left leg - not so much jumping in and out of the cage which could re-injure. So, I'm sad and bummed because I like him sleeping in the bed with me, warm and cuddly, watching his habits changes (habits of rabbits), his changing relationship with me and his environment. But this seems right - and he seems to be accepting it better than I am, not gnawing aggressively at the cage to get out like he usually does. All the stuff is on top of the cage - he has his bowl of crunchies and water bottle - though I'm not sure he's discovered new water bottle location above litter box.
 He waits. Accepts. Bides his time. There's a towel over the cage to hold in heat, and he heater is on.
 DJ & Buff brought a fire pit back from Sonoma. Eeenteresting! I recommended Shortbus (and to Sooz).
 9:50. Leave tomorrow ~9:30. Do all the things I want on this vacation - doctors appointments and side yard work can all be done in an afternoon. Tues Santa Rosa. Wed Berkeley Rep? Thurs-Fri Orr - or Japantown? Don't worry about doing anything - those are backup plans in case I get bored. If I want to do nothing, do nothing. I can. I can do nothing.
 This is a good one. Could I get away with some of these on YouTube? In a mix of other art shots?

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 Mon May 26.08 Nomad
 Yeah yeah yeah... overcast... up till ~1:30am watching Shortbus w/G&S - got it on a horny lark for Sook Yin Lee, but it turned out to be a really good movie - completely unusual to have good film making and decent actors who actually fuck each other onscreen, and a believable gay couple who are simply a couple and not a political statement. Lots of dick - wall-to-wall at times, but enough girl stuff for the guys. The guys were attractive with charming personalities - not enough to make me want to join in the 3-way - though it was fun and sort of amazing to watch, the way they told each other what to do and otherwise chatted during all the cocksucking.
 Bunny peeing all over the bed. I got a load gong in front. What to do? Can't really keep him caged all day and night - I could, but I would hate to. He would be unhappy; but his peeing on the - MY - bed is making ME unhappy. HE is not the boss; I am - I am the biggest rabbit, the largest sentient being in the cottage, so I get what  - when  push comes to shove - I want. No one, not Karen, not the vet would look at my askance - not even the slightest horse eye - upon hearing that the rabbit pissing on my bed caused me to keep him caged. The opposite - if I leave him in the bed in spite of his pissing then there's something wrong with my thought process.
 Though I dislike doing it, perhaps not a bad idea to clean and unclutter cage and keep him in it for a couple of weeks until he readjusts to using litter box. Sure, I've ceded him free run of half the bed, and he - we - obviously dig the set-up, the shared space, balance of terror and territorial tension along the Josqin-Toren Line.
 Okay - no plans all day... like Oregon I could do a late afternoon Tilden hike, or another bike ride - the biking around town is cool, but the helmet add is a must.
 Triple mocha, banana, toasted everything bagel with cream cheese, capers and onion. Now NYT and home to dry laundry and do whatever the fuck I want around cottage. Look into Berk Rep some time this week.
 Email Marge re photo albums, Tara re bronze dogs, Bobby re Buzznet.

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 Sun May 25.08 Nomad
 Slept okay but lots of energetic dreams leaving the bed covers in disarray. Maybe this morning hit yard sales - Nicasio Blues Broads? eh! It's one of those events I look forward to partially because I can't imagine not using it as an excuse to have a few beers - and over a period of 4 hours in the sun with a big plate of food that is not real bad, but it's not good. What's uncomfortable is ... I always go for 3, like a ritual, like autopilot. Like a treat. Out amongst my peoples: White suburban types; "crime" free.
 Anyway... rb'd up and biked to WF for long colorful shop, salad, curry chicken, yogurts, OJ - repeated trips to sunchip samples - big bag, which I bungeed to back bike platform and that worked fine, fun biking around the neighborhoods, not paranoid, good evening. Didn't get cleanse kit - partially the expense - $25! - partially decided I'd rather deal with results at work than on vacation - but did get cleansing tea. Overate and watched monster portions of The Host, Internet, Tank Girl - which I'm digging more and more - at its best it's real good!
 Lots of blog hits it seems - 'course it's end of month, and I've been in it a lot - but keep and eye out I guess.
 Last night stood in herbal backyard at dusk, stretched my arms above my head and felt great - yes! I have it all - almost got on a daddy-is-mean (is it nothing but a life-isn't-air) trip, but shook it off without to much problem and enjoyed the evening. It's nice having place to myself now and then; I love our backyard, insects and birds it attracts - one of many yard benefits - hummingbird this morning checking me out.
 Cleaned bathroom shelf boards yesterday - that really cheered me up for some reason - having a clean bathroom is more important to me than I realize. Thinking it's time to get rid of Tara's dog bronzes, but offer them to Marge? Or back to Tara, which is what I'm thinking - but, if back to Tara, offer to sell them to her - $100 each? I should ask something on principle, almost an insult not to - plus I seem to have a bit of unresolved resentment around here and Jennifer blabbling about our little scene. I've vaguely curious who told who what that it got around so quickly. Like Davis gossip scene - people it hurt - people who's most personal moments were revealed for lustful delight of immediate community of acquaintances - in a way it's envy and it makes the target into stars - I have absolutely no room to play the victim, since I victimized so many myself so should understand and empathize, if not sympathize, (but I should sympathize, too). I'm only bummed because it embarrassed me in front of Shelley. And, I suppose, because it embarrassed her. I was naive enough to believe it would stay private. Learned a big lesson - though it wouldn't matter much to me if it also hadn't hurt other people. Here is a pathway to learn forgiveness - which I don't know.
 So, uh - yeah - the dogs - I'm tired of them, no longer a thrill - a dog with a row of penis' on its back- it *is* a cool sculpture as well, but it's old and over - get rid of them/the past.
 Big pile of paper on desk, big mess in storage folder (car/taxes/correspondence/travel) - all the time needed to organize and clean up. Cool.
 ~1978? Technique, but nothing to say - I like pretty things, I like pretty naked girls, I like trying to understand basic concepts, like chairs and trees in the ground. But ideas? - Wouldn't I have to be clicked into the dominant paradigm - Christianity, or some other bend over and learn to enjoy being an ass-raped slave - wouldn't I need to be connected to that 3rd rail to make statement the other ass-raped Christians would understand? Oh! It hurts so good! Otherwise it's just pagan folk art... hee hee hee - yeah!!

 Pt II
 Biked up Telegraph for sit down mocha, across UCB, Shattuck, Virginia, crisscrossing neighborhoods to Solano, Pegasus: comics reprint (Joe Kubert: army vs. dinos!) and Robespierre's death; burrito/watermelon fresca/choc-chip cookie, up to Marin circle, up Los Angeles to Shattuck- feeling it in my legs and stopped for 2 minutes to catch my breath, but it was doable and not too bad - I could do the road to Tilden.. slowly, but I can. Reel for Loss of Sexual Innocence (curious about pissing scene) and Shortbus, once I realized it was Chester Brown's girlfriend Sook Yin Lee from Yummyfur; well, yes I had to get it then her being all naked, masturbating and having sex and such. She pretty dang cute.

 Plus it's art - so it's innocent. Mmmm. Uh-huh.
 Back up towards Telegraph and down the neighborhoods to home. Love biking.
 Now, a long slow shower, and over to Gil & Stacey's for a hangout. Cool.
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 Sat May 24.08 II Nomad
 Phase two, in which Doris gets her oats.
 Mechanics for Xo CD info; Missing Link for bike fender removal and brake info; LaFiesta tostada & soup; Moe's for Bind search help (found 2 LA dealers with $70 copies - very tempting - vacation overspend - oops, just ordered it - vacation order!), $75 for exhibition book of Lucas Cranach the Elder - dang! chill! - ; College to Elmwood for bunny litter - parked several blocks away, pulled out bike and picked up big bag of litter  (and woven stick chew toy) on it - that worked fine, much easier and more fun than carrying the heavy bag - biked to Julia Morgan for upcoming stuff (Chinese folk music/dance thing next Sunday looks like fun). Home... bike bike bike, love the bike!...
 ...load of laundry after Buff&DJ left (gave coming-down-with-something Buff Wellness pills); nailed wood planted to front stump and planted succulents. Brought second load of bedding to corner laundromat - since it needs to be dry tonight, mocha and muffin.
 Left on weekend list... everything's going so smoothly, because there's no pressure distraction, no feeling of wishing I had more or less time or things to do... no feeling of I'd rather nap for coming workweek... just, do what I want and when I finish do another... nice - just like Oregon trips, only home...
 ...call G&S tonight? Have we lost all momentum on new video for surf song?
 Stumbled on Ballad of D Ray White on YouTube and he's really amazing!
 Time to move laundry into dryer... after... it'll be about 6pm... yard work? Bike to WF for bunny food and Robert food. That leaves - for tomorrow, Nicasio BBQ, clean bunny cage, side of cottage (which can wait)... trip to Marin could be fun, but less traffic later in the week.
 Call Orr. Call Oregon cabin and cancel.
 Took 1/4kl everyday last week - a 2nd 1/4 on a couple of days - forgot my at on two days, had backup at work. Questions is: How do I feel about daily 1/4 kl? First of all, I risk mild addiction, not really worried about that, unless I found they are not working as well, because the longer you take them the more you have to take. What is that called? It helped me relax during the week leading up to my free time, and this first day it helped too, but maybe not every day during vacation, if anything I shouldn't need them at all, just the at. Shelves. I need shelves. But where to put them?
 Putting my photos up on YouTube gives me an interesting angle - they seem boring. Art school stuff - and, well I was doing them when I was in my 20s and early 30s.
 Buzznet is barley registering.
 My wanting to get away and stay away from my parents while at the same time yearning for the dream world of "home" does not mean there's anything wrong with me: it's exactly how I should feel, including the bad dad and guilt stuff. Can I get beyond that huge ball of sticky rubber bands and look back and be there, too?
 1991

++++++++++
 Sat May 24.08 Nomad
 Woke up with bunny under covers and light taps of rain on leaves out back window - rain! How cool - light drizzle - sweet smell, lots of snails taking full advantage getting tossed and stomped. Squish squish squish.
 Feeling good still - no pressure - list? I can do all the things... what's left of Heathrow list:
"Jan/2/08
(lots of diet stuff)
 night classes_ Web design_ DreamWeaver, Flash_
 write to family, anything
 Travel folder with passport, idiot list~?
 Meditate daily
 Wear nicer clothes_ work shoes?
 www.roberttoren.com resume
 tide charts for storm high tides"
 Okay - not urgent stuff.
 This weekend:
 Bike to shop (remove fender, new handlebars?)
 Bunny litter
 Mechanics bank re Xo $
 Clean bunny cage
 Clear cottage side
 Nicasio BBQ
 Laundry
 Week:
 Dermatologist appt
 Dentist appt
 Letter home
 Overnight @ Japantown eat, shop, sauna/foot massage?
 2 nights at Orr
 Organize rock negs (Lolita Nation folder in case of re-release?)
 Karen & Xo video organize for DVD
 Golden gate Park bike ride & museum
 Davis for a day? Photo albums?
 Pt Reyes hike
 Really, there's so little to do - that indicates my life is in decent order. But what's left to do is important: health-related (doc/dentist), mental health-related (letter home). Once those are done I'm in really decent shape (in a functional way) - those are blocks based on past fears that make my life the life of a neurotic. That make me neurotic. I stand a chance of being a non-neurotic person. Not being neurotic. Scary - but desirable. Take that step. Do the thing I am afraid to do. Give some control to doctors and parents. Do as I'm told when it is for my own good, the control I desire of the control that decided to do these things for larger purpose of healthy life.
 Okay - read paper, then bike downtown - in car? Yes. Then bunny supplies.
 ~1989. Mirror nude. Start blog archives fresh. These for me. The gone BCVTUCD, sordid then, done in spite of other commitments; recent contact just as sordid, birthed from revenge in spite of other commitments. Spiritual and moral sickness. I took advantage because I'm weak. Licked the sweet salt stick, like a dog going back to its own sick, not a noble sight or ennobling activity. Stay away for my own good. Pretty poison is still poison, but it's not very pretty and was always an illusion, nothing there but a "Wow she likes me - well, not 'me' - an experience I have to offer, a slight challenge and fantasy. Some vinegar and vanity strokes." Turn on the light to watch the squirts. Winning. Feels good, do it. Tag. Fine. Fun. The icing without the cake. Now leave it alone. Not what I want. It represents a failure and a life-long despair of getting what I could have had, and can have. That's the knee-jerk. The moralistic. Give it a week, a cut myself some slack. But stop looking back. There's nothing there. It's all here all around me. Knee-jerk snark. False bravado. Done. Sour grapes. Okay. The recent look back was good to clear things up - it was healing, but it's done now, and done means done. Done means over.

++++++++++
 Fri May 23.08
 9+ days with no work starting in 15 minutes.
 heh heh heh
 Rory Root died - the many accolades and emotional goodbyes and memories on the net are moving, and I realized how much time I've spent in his stores over the years and how much pleasure I've got from the comic he made available.
 Josqin has begun to pee in the bed. Last two night he slept next to me under the covers. He is being very demanding of my attention - he's butting my elbow right now - last two nights I lost a lot of sleep because he was snooting and snorting and squeaking and breathing, licking my back, my pillow, my arm - what's going on Josqin? He's jumping in and out of his cage at an angle to avoid putting weight on his back left leg.  His pee, like his poo, is practically odorless and harmless, but it can't go on forever - a big indoor cage would be too hard to clean. I'd hate for him to have to become a caged pet - what a drag for him - but it has to be considered.
 Taking the week off. I do not have 9 days off. All I have is this moment. Enjoy it.
 In honor of Rory, dropped by Comic Relief, got two Tank Girls, McSweeney's and a free Vice, then to Arnell's for a cheese slice one with sausage and peppers.
 Josqin was very pushy about getting under the covers - weird - what's going on Josqin?!?
 Oh, got a msg to take down bc pics, did, also took down - using the shock/fear of the moment - to clear out the blog pics page and so also the blog archives, which no one looked at  anyway. Putting those old pics up as if they matter to anyone, have any value to anyone but me, tell any tale to anyone but me, is telling myself lies. I can do better.
 Maybe do some yard work, take bike to repair shop to have fender taken off so it fits better in back seat - maybe go to Orr Wed-Fri? Camp out? Or sleep in the main lodge? What about the nudity? Not particularly thrilled to expose my fat to the eyes of the world - but a lot of hot baths, clean air, gardens and walks in the woods sounds damn good.
 Been ~6 months since the Heathrow list - much of it done, but important things left undone - I intend to use this free time to get some of those balls - maybe all those alls- rolling: Doctor appointments, file organization, maybe an internal cleansing.
 I'm in a good state of mind.
 

++++++++++
 Tue May 20.08


++++++++++
 Sun May 18.08 home bed ~10pm
 Slept in - weird dreams - lost track of day and time - work stress - some complex animation left undone, when I woke up and got to work there'd be undone work... weird, since that's not really happening, well, bean-counting program is left undone, but what can you do? Weird dreams - but, I like it when I dream, I think it's healthy. No dreams feels like death of imaginative life.
 Enjoyed staying in bed - the sensuality of morning sleep, dozing in and out of wakefulness and dreams, the comfy covers, sensual, almost sexual - it's the time of year, sap is rising, fruit-shaped, smooth sweet-smelling vulvas figure prominently in forebrain, as it should be.
 Up  ~10, leave ~11 for Olampoli and, coincidentally and cooly enough, it was Olampoli State Park's 40th birthday celebration, with tents for retired-persons' historical societies, wildlife clubs and such - went into the little park museum - not much to it - sort of for kids - but chatted with park ranger Sam (female) and explained my historical and 'sentimental' connection to Olampoli and volunteered to scan and clean up historical photos of the park property for the new Olampoli Web site. It was cool seeing old photos after years of curiosity - then strolled down to group lecture walking through old gardens (saw the pond for the 1st time in years and got a nostalgic charge).
 Walked up to the trail and rb just before starting up slope - ~1pm on a ho clear day with decent breeze - good day for a casual hike - lovely and somehow emotional as always. Is it because at the time it was my first out-of-city-life experience, with classmates, a volunteer group - I was *doing something* - the Marin hills and vibe was new and exciting and a deeply desired experience. So, is that why the hills have special spirit vibe - seeming larger than they are because in the late 70s they seemed, the experience was so huge to me - like Tar Hollow.
 After enjoyable hike which included tons of lizards, several leaping deer, wild turkey and bluebirds, and a sitting meditation on a bench overlooking the flatlands, sun flowing into earth, into firey core, back up through rock and earth, up into my feet, out flower of my consciousness, that old LRY mediation visualization which I'd not been able to recreate till today - and it worked super well as a high! Walked down dirt path to Hwy 1, on way back stopped at group from The Chosen Family talking about their years of commune there - interesting and cool to touch actual history, light show for the Fillmore, interconnections with Grateful Dead and New Riders' families. Woo.
 Neat.
 Home for deep nap, mild headache probably from no coffee (ate salads and fruit all day, plenty of water) - then fuzzy-headed to Liz & Robbie's Albany potluck. .25kl and 1 Advil, single Nomad mocha. Had plenty of - almost too much - energy, but enjoyed the other folks, little Katie was happy to see me then seemed shy or upset, and 1/4 wheel of blue cheese was much appreciated. Glad I went. Only there ~ 1hr. Pegasus for a bit.
 Yest: Long afternoon nap - yes! Duh! - got days mixed up and showed up for L&R's potluck a day early - to Pegasus for good NYRB then a burrito. Home and rb bike to WF for too much food I guess 'cause I ate so much yogurt and fruit juice my stomach sort of hurt when I went to bed. Toilet broken, noisy and leaky; neither Buff or I know how to fix it and we get blocked since we hate to got for help, but also don't know how to fix it ourselves. Tom next door seems to know fix, but not sure when he can find necessary gasket. At least we now know what problems is and that it will get fixed sooner rather than later.
 Loving weather and long days and being able to bike at night. Biking is fun. In spite of long naps I got things done this weekend. Trick will be to see if I can arrange to get up and travel in morning when I'm not so good, and get it together by combination of breathing, relaxing and eating good food so that upon arrival I can get going on good foot.
 After this week, 9 days off. Cool.
 ~1991

++++++++++
 Sat May 17.08
 No plans this weekend - woke up feeling pretty good, slept well. Sat with DJ&Buff in back yard last night as dusk fell into night, candles lit and kitties wandering. A cold cold beer.
 Try to fix toilet today? Pot luck at Rob & Liz's this afternoon.
 Tomorrow? What's that? 1/4 kls all week, not this morning, pointless.
 Soap opera next door in new house, 1/2 leaving for south central, 1/2 staying, new fence going up. What the hell? Sigh. New houses going up on either side, but once they are finished - if they ever are - then they are not settled. Weird. This unsettled business on ether side of us... do we need to do a ritual to keep out unbalanced insanity?
 Josqin running around a bit last two days, kicking out is back legs as he ran this morning - in irritation? - but seems to be getting better. And he seems okay - even to understand- about living, sleeping, playing, building on bed, but eating and pooping in cage. Sure. Why not?
 Stinky homeless person in Nomad - can about smell him across the room - does one say something? Library can (kick you out) ask to you leave for stinking, but at Nomad? Stinky stinky stinky! Stink! This is Berkeley, can one say to the homeless person, who is otherwise sedate and only slightly mad, that they stink and are offending the  other customers and must leave. Here's some coffee to go. Now - out!
 Chatted with Buff - one can say to the establishment's proprietors "I don't want to be an asshole, but I can smell that person across the room and it makes it unpleasant to be here."
 I am Jesus Christ! I am a turd. I...am  Jesus Christs' turd - no, that's what'sis name. Fuck. Martin Luther! Beseechment from bowels of Christ and all... deep breath... now, read NYT, then home and fix toilet.
 For there to be controversy, someone would have to give a fuck, insider would have to be viewing, someone would have to know subject, decades later. Art vs. smut, public vs. private, charming vs. degrading, flattering vs. demeaning. No controversy. For there to be controversy there has to be me wanting controversy - wanting the charge - wanting action... if I cease to want it, it ceases to exist - the controversy is in my mind looking for an excuse... looking to create an excuse for its existence - no excuse, disappearance - no cheap thrills. If I relax it is nothing. There is no controversy. There is no past. There is no me. Only now.
 Or some such zen poop. Like the Jenni pols - they mean nothing to anyone else, and that bothers me. But... it needn't, if I don't want it to.
 Recent revelation about meds - what they are teaching me is that I'm happier without drama and hyperness;, where I can take that is: Get that defined mental serenity and physical calm without meds, with proper diet, exercise and meditation / spiritual path and gentle cosmic discipline.
++++++++++
 Fri May 16.08 Home
 Feeding Josqin in his cage seems to be working - no poops on the bed.
 Too hot to sleep last night, lay naked on top of the covers waiting for sleep to come - almost feel back into the old "trying" to sleep - control freak! it's true - Josqin going nuts on his water bottle: Lickity clack lickity clack lickity clack clack slurp lickity lick lick clack clack clack slurp squeek slurp clack - I wanted to strangle him, it went off forever - finally leaned over and shown the flashlight on him - such a bully! I only outweigh him by about 200 pounds. Did get some sleep though, and the day was not so busy - mostly much-appreciated animation and video editing, so that's good. Take it easy this evening - get out real early tomorrow for a coast hike or something? 5 Brooks in the morning, brunch in Stinson? Or sleeeppppp innnnn...
 Did a BC 1986 page with transcribed journal notes, photos and email reconnect pages. Careful to hide them, careful not to give into temptation and put something up here. Where preference clearly stated do right.
 So, does some kind of religious training help one do right? Haven't I pursued it all my life, reading from Eastern and Western branches of various religions - discussions - observations - you can't avoid it! Not to worry. Atheists can follow moral precepts without believing in a supernatural deity who listens to our prayers for Christs' sake ha ha. The public / media discussions I see on science vs. religion are remarkable constrained by timidity and ignorance. Must've frighten the children - or the child-like adults, I guess.
 Maybe a bike ride tonight - feeling relaxed and confident... cool.
 40.7 (41.4 including K loan) - another pyk to come this mo. I subtracted 2 from annual monthly goal to account for Vulvo work. 38 in flat-out savings. Comfy cushion. Aim if for a flat 45 at end of year. Okay. Not 50, but what can you do?
 Reconnected Jenni polaroids page to first polaroid page - whatever moral twinge of conscience hit last month has worn off.
 Finally made Alex Chilton No Sex video and uploaded it late yesterday. Could have done more organizing of photos to line up playing and singing shots with recording, but I was impatient to get it up, so trusted my intuition and luck that have mostly failed me so far, and definitely in my hopes of having a viral video some fine day thank you very much. I remember the first time we (me/Scott/Dan...?) heard it at the Berkeley Square and thought it was hilarious and brilliant!
 All sorts of little creative stuff. Cool. Who needs to draw? Drawing was the prep for what I'm doing now, an end in itself, not prep for a lifetime of drawing. Lots of people can draw. Only I took the Alex clip and put pics to it.
 No regrets. Love myself. Love my body. Honor this life. A song to myself - let me whole life be a song to myself - love me, love my Buddha ha ha ha.
++++++++++
 Thu May 15.08 Nomad
 Pretty hot, but got the bunny cage (much needed) clean, big laundry load across street, DJ gave me a rose; guy next door took down walls around his back yard, exposing length of block's backyards and backyard of home on other side (nice big hammock) of block. Storage shed had to be shifted over further onto our property, so it is emptied - interesting...
 Bunny seems happy with greens and carrots, still struggling a bit with back left leg, wants a lot of pets - but any more than in the past? Vacuumed - busy all day at work.
 Transcribed pages I found during spring clean - explicit and non-artistic record of sexual activates with lover - hidden page. Too much xxx and xxx and xx, x xx in xx her xx and in xx xxx.
 Tomorrow promises to be busy. next week, too - then 9 days off. They want to maybe fly me to LA for training - 6 hours/day. Yikes! Already 6 hours coming up in June. Oh, well. I can handle it.
 Is the AG stuff here too weird - it's all history - and foggy history at that - not particularly discussing the true intimacies such as they were at 18, 19 and 21. Don't knock them - I was very find of her. She is now 50 and not recognizable in these pics - another of these... like Jerry pointed out, they are weighted with erotic memories only to me, to anyone else they are artistic and boring. Okay. Get over it. Accept it.
 Bean-counting program at work crashing and burning - the bean-counters think they are in charge, that purpose of business is to make sure their records are accurate - but actual target customers are voting with their feet and not using it, why should they when email and phone are 100% faster better more accurate and more personally enjoyable. Doing something over and over expecting different results is a sign of insanity. They will resist, because they loathe to admit a mistake - but if the c's aren't using it, that's fault of product, not department that's slowed down by it. It is dying. Slowly dying. And it will be dead soon. Someone will finally wake up at 3am and say, "It's needs to go back to the drawing board. This time we will do our due diligence."
 This weekend - no plans at all - to hot to camp out? Or is it? Nicasio bbq? Early Saturday morning to Fairfax hike, or early to...?
 Iain M got good job he wanted - head of music dept at some college (?) - Karen says he's thrilled and she sounded very excited. Very very cool! Call his weekend?
 1991. Glad to have these. Time to get the laundry and let Josqin out of the cage. He hardly uses the box anymore - maybe if I cleaend it more and start putting his all his food in the cage!

++++++++++
 Wed May 14.pm
 Sleep, eat, work, eat, work, eat, sleep. Yup.
 Emails from Isabelle deBi and Joan and Beth Toren - Mother Day card made Mom happy - more would make her happier.
 Got Shelley's email address from Gil - will probably be anti-climactic when it comes.
 Meant to do laundry/clean bunny cage tonight, but didn't have any juice - two tangerines, an apple and smelled roses on way home, checked front yard - supposedly California is having some sort of drought, and there may be water rationing; talk to front house about how to manage watering yard. Just sat face glued to laptop - worked Jenni scans from today at work. Same old same old.
 Work remains interesting - people in higher positions asking for me, from Dallas, for worldwide power meeting - it's all good. Signed on for 4 days off in two weeks - 9 days of no work - cooolll.....
 OPIK 1972? Last day's goodbye hug - she said she wondered at my intensity; "What was that?" Singing Fly Silly Seagull on brick flagpole foundation... so beautiful... Summer late afternoon... OPIK 1973... I was with Lynda Wolfe... about to leave home for California... giving people back their letters... some regret about that... making classic mistake of running away from anger that filled me (though some LRY friendships survived for years anyway!) - met up again in Boston Summer of 1975 when Anne Newhall dumped me and took our car. Ka-boom. Jimi Hendrix movie in neighborhood theater with Star-Spangled Banner at Woodstock blew my mind... we cuddled and touched naked, my fingers all over defining in my artistic way, brushed her anus, she said 'I knew you'd be a good lover'... but Wind, oh well, big deal, was a good fuck... ow...
 ~1976-77 - AG - when I was at Laney? Living with Wayne was...1976; then 1977 in the South Berkeley big house, 1978 in Davis. Did she ever visit me there? I think not. 1977... 30 years ago.
++++++++++
 Tue May 13.05
 Woke early, came in early so I can leave early to pick up special bunny brush... for got at, so took 1 at work + 1/4kl. Feeling pretty hyper this morning, spazzy, jumpy - from the .5kl party last night. If I'm not eating perfect, and meditating, and sitting still and using my desk and home as a tool - living right - then I can occasionally take the med - occasionally - not as a permanent solution, which is certainly isn't! - the solution is getting out for exercise and being a bit disciplined with my time, nutrition and mental energy.
 More scanning - getting near the end - taking this week easy - 6-hour training day in June. Gilmore Girls tonight. Easy.
 Call the dermatologist and the dentist. How about - tomorrow!
 Email Shelley.
 Tell NY coworker about departure thoughts from last year.
 Last night, redoing blog pics page, chronological order. That's kind of fun, and important for some reason - to me anyway - as Jerry D pointed out, my nudes are too artsy to attract much attention from the pervs. It does make it a tad problematic because anyone who knew one of the models would be able to link the anonymous pics with the recognizable, and that would be more revealing than acceptable, intentionally embarrassing. So - what to do? One non-chronological page for semi-public, chronological copy page for my own viewing? Could do that - why not? Prefect solution - and clever!
 I don't know if it was really appropriate respectful and discreet to shave AG below - but it was too much fun and successful to resist.
++++++++++
 Mon May 12.08
 Called in sick this morning, but late-morning guy beat me to it, so I went in but took it easy -.5k, fuck it - helped some higher-ups one-on-one with interesting video editing and important slides for important people - cool. Soup lunch, Strayy Plough corned beef dinner, then sat on the internet for hours, till now; played with today's scans (Tonya Drayden, Lisa Camhi, Sarah Walker, Barit, Anne Gdwn and me nude on 45th/Wayne Kwitney/starting Laney) - about near end of scanning negs and proofs from beneath bed. Long's can't scan the b&w negs of Shari (Sac/Paul), so... scan some tomorrow then send, or find a place? Hmp... Yeah, yeah, scan a few...
 Taking off last week of May... that hot springs 3-4 hours north, just relax- walk in the wonderful sunlit woods... sit around a fire - soak in hot water - eat good food, and less of it, clean out system and enjoy. Yes!
 Geoff Ball MySpace friend... maybe what's happening, set it out there and wait, and people come in there own time... 201 'friends' on MySpace davis80smusic... that's a good thing.
 ~1976.

++++++++++
 Sun May 11.08
 Mishka's wifi cafe... trying to connect so I can upload...
 MySpace friend with Gabriel - cool - I always liked him - yesterday was very very interesting in a good way - Jerry, Gabriel, Marge and John's place, Mark LaFreneire - it all semes to be moving in a obvious direction, and that direction points towards some sort of - not reconciliation, maybe that's not the word - accommodation - ? - cordial relationship with Shelley. First we establish some sort of comfort zone for Robert, so he's not just hanging on the end of the branch waiting to be knocked down. Davis is the comfort zone. I can see it coming.
 Snyder women ~1982.

++++++++++
 Sat May 10.08 PM LaFreniere's TV room/den
 Davis - Marge & John's house - chatted with mark and his daughter in the driveway - they have a very friendly young poodle name Cocoa. Felt good - somehow better than back in the old days. Enough time has passed - maybe mostly the good memories remain; plus, I feel relaxed, so that helps. A little awkward of course, to be here, but it's the only wa to find out if it works or not - do it, then do what feels right.
 My usual slightly out-of-sorts Saturday feeling most of the day, winding down from work week - took 1/4kl this morning - didn't help, took another just as I was getting into town - concerned that it would fuck with my short-term memory but it didn't, not that I noticed. Apples, tangerines, bike in back, otherwise traveled light. Showered before I left, and shook bunny towel off in yard - I noticed it had a wet spot, and that the bed had a wet spot - this is not good if Josqin is pooping - which is tolerable, dry odorous scat and all - and peeing - odorless but wet... in the bed. His back left leg is still bothering him - give it a few weeks - then come up with solution - some easier way into and out of cage, or different cage. It would suck to kick him out of bed, but that option has to be on the table.
 Anyway, met Jerry at KDVS and chatted there for a while - KDVS GM interested in the whole d80m project, gave me his card), almost immediately felt at-ease - that's odd, for me - I guess: 1.) We recognize each other from back in the day, & 2.) We've exchanged numerous emails and he did the amazing Shake Some Action piece for davis80smusic. Chatted at station - I showed someone down there the sites, videos, sexy shots of Donnette, then walked to Delta of Venus for a 2.5 beers and hours of davis80smusic chat - he was really nice and more normal than I'd expected, easy to talk to, and it was a gas talking all this shit over with someone who was there at same time and in a similar positions, that is: not a musician, not in a band, but a friend and observer, someone who knew all the names, most of the events, so we could cut through a lot of the stories and history without extended explanations - I told him the Game Theory Hell Tour story, we talked about some of the women on the scene; Thin White Rope vs. True West vs. Game Theory, whether it was good or bad to try a music career, Skid and Go Dog, Go, my blog, my nudes, etc etc etc - then Gabriel from the Nomad appeared to my pleasant surprise and I got to thank him for everything and say how the Nomad isn't so fun anymore and etc etc, also mentioned I had wanted Nomad Iranian girl to model for me - he said she might. Got story of his departure from Nomad - as strange as I'd imagined - personalities.
 Walked back to campus ~6- so, like 4-5 hours of Davis80smusic talk - minus Gabe and an older lesbian who sat with us for a while, mentioned dead friends and a couple of people - one dead - who'd proclaimed her a good lover. Okay. Good to know, I guess.
 Biked around campus in a fuzzy state from beer, lack of food, lots of socializing and digging up band stuff. Ate some Persian food, napped by the drummers, as it was getting dark biked across town to old neighborhood/cemetery and back - called Marge to confirm room - thought about leaving bike on campus, but crammed it into the backseat - really need to take the fenders of - that'll make it more do-able. Clank! Screee - crack! Not good sounds.
 Almost 11... time for bed. Left things open re davis80smusic - I put out some ideas - a short video introduction - cleaning up the site, better organized- tried to make it clear I wasn't pressuring him to do anything, just wanted to meet him, chat and run ideas past him - didn't expect us to talk about the bands so long, but I totally dug it, only felt mildly restless to get to the WEF, because we were talking the same language, or same history at least. It was good. And there's still Sunday WEF if I'm in the mood. I think I will be - better than today - I left the WEF ~9 when the while boys with dreads brought out a Jamaican flag and waved it frantically around. Stop it young suburban white boys, just stop it!
 Used the theater department toilet- now to sleep. Cool day. Cool day.

++++++++++
 Fri May 9.08
 Take it easy - take a kl - digitized the drowning scene from Captains Courageous and put it on YouTube with huge SPOILER warnings - that scene still got to me, can't help but cry, but it's notorious for that affecting men that way. We can't believe Daddy's gong to die. Dad's daddy died before he was born - how did that make him feel? Daddy didn't stick around for him.
 Heard back from Lisa Camhi (had a pleasant exchange about ex's and education, etc) and Shari - re framed photo and nude negatives respectively. Also from sis Anne who sold he condo because of insane building mate. Damn. Meet Shake Some Action Jerry at KDVS tomorrow ~12:30. Night at LaFreniere's - but I could always drive home if I feel uncomfortable, or if something else comes up. Bring charged cell and a toothbrush.
 Work busy but it was mostly doing video editing and special projects for good/global office contacts - showing off - successful slide ideas. So there you go. They keep one on edge about being employed, but I keep my edge.
 I was supposed to do laundry tonight, but not feeling like it. Feel like taking it easy and slow and kicking back with a kl / rb and a movie. And a bunny. I don't have to do both WEF days - play it as it lays - but it's a fun Davis holiday to bike all over and to my old neighborhoods and haunts, free music and art, crafts and dance, people-watching and good vibes, vegetarian food and college memories - it's my fucking alma mater - dang.
 Bunny's fur is growing back quickly - starts as pink skin, then a thin, rough gray layer, then short smooth hair - soon it will all be fur - but I keep pulling chunks off his back and face.
 Yes - I hesitate - rebel - I want to take time off but hate having to ask and use vacation days and all that. It's symbolic, but I strain against the bonds. But you know - I signed up for this, I am here because of decisions I made - everyone hates the bonds of work, but I get at least one month paid vacation/year, and once they are used I can take other unpaid time off. So do it. Enjoy - take time off and enjoy it - I have everything I need in place - car, computer, ideas, locations, museums, coast locations, maps, friends to visit, woods, fields and trails I love. It's okay - I give myself permission to do it. If I don't do it out of some useless resentment of power then I lose - and for no reason. Learn to live with the fact I that I have to work. Watch the Matrix - I'm a battery - the Internet gives me some freedom and information - watch the Matrix, then take a vacation.
 9 days - that hot spring for 3 days - camp/tent out at Ft Bragg one night, visit Eric on a free day, maybe even a drive down the coast? Or a night in Japan town with a sauna and foot massage? A time spent just sitting around, reading, walking in the woods. How much per night at that hot springs? Call Oregon and cancel.
 Honeysuckle in front yard is blossoming pretty a lot - promises a lot more - loving fragrance, getting what I want by taking action. Take those four days off - in fact - take off more if I want. I have about... ?15? - 
 Feeling better. Was my bad tenseness partially from experimental bu med?
 Huh - didn't remember this shot - kind of  like the laughter and light.

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 Thu May 8.08
 Big meeting in a couple of weeks so work is crazy and a little stressful.
 Took .kkl tonight w/rb - drove Vulvo to WF for bunny food, yogurt cups, hot chicken, rice and veggie dinner, apple strudel(!). Uploaded some GT pics to davis80 and GT MySpace sites.
 Rented Chariots of the Gods for work and Captains' Courageous for myself - I saw it as a child and the death scene left a big impact. Watched it for the first time in 45 odd years a few minutes ago - still very sad and more realistic than I'd expected - seeing it on small faded TV screen at age 5(?) is different, more dreamlike, but it's an amazing scene I intend to put on YouTube tomorrow, unless I find it already up.
 Scanned lots of odds and ends, nudes from proof sheets, from negatives, band stuff, friend stuff. Emailed Shari to see if she wants proof sheets/negatives from our 1984 shoot, emailed Lisa Camhi to see if she wants framed shot with toy tractor, emailed Jerry about meeting at Davis WEF and talking davis80s stuff. bla bla bla - feeling okay about staying with Marge. Am I missing something?
 Asked at work about taking a few days off leave-of-absence, without using vacation days. I guess it doesn't' make any difference, except - I wanted to be completely free from work and not have to be conscious of and pressured by using the scare commodity of free time. But use them now, and take unpaid later if I need to. Lots of vacation days saved up gives one a feeling of freedom. Annoyed. get over it. Take the week off - do an overnight at Japantown, do a mid-week 3-or-4 day trip to one of the hot springs places. Drink lots of water, clean out my system. I feel like my body is not delimiting all food and moisture as well as it should.
 My main rationale for not removing the blog pics - in spite of the safely low viewership/interest - is that I want to know what I was thinking, uploading when I wrote. Well - make a special folder with blogs and pics, and print all the motherfuckers out if that's really a bother. Then take them all down; they really are mainly for me - who else?
 Gil blog'd about the opera - as I imagined I might. Interesting to get his perspective. Good writer.
 ~1986?

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 Wed May 7.08
 Don't know what was up with bu meds, self-conscious or actual - but it was making me clumsy, cranky and maybe paranoid, so none this morning or going forward. Took .25 kl at work 'cause of a stressful complex job.
 Several donuts, stayed late to complete King Kong Fay Ray scream idea - couldn't get the long scream I wanted, but fooled around and almost got a couple of ideas to work- try again.

 After work a brisk walk up Kearny to Coit, down through Chinatown through Stockton(?) tunnel, past Union Square and home. Three tangerines. Still reading Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - narrator a know-it-all, unlikable guy, but story is getting interesting, sort of. Curious to see why it's considered such a masterpiece - not seeing it so far 70 pages in.
 Scanned lots of GT today. Put up lots of scanned photos on MySpace Game Theory, Go Dog, Go and Davis80music pages, fun stuff. Paul N says do something with the archive - yeah, but what?
 Last night didn't get to much GG with Sooz as we'd lot of catching up to do and Chile, travel and Easter Island stories. Sooz brought me a cool colorful little shoulder bag, which broke in Chinatown - ask someone to sew the handles on better? The lava lamp from the yard sale didn't work very well - now I have to decide whether to buy a new one for robot cottage house parties? They are awfully pretty!
 Almost every day I'm doing something creative - whether a new video editing project, or REM upload, or college with music. Still missing: classes - getting expert at Photoshop - could help move things up rather then horizontal if the times comes.
 Bunny's fur growing back but he still looks like shit. His eyes are red and squinty, maybe he's itchy and unhappy, and I see him sometimes struggling on his hind legs - some bad irritation back there. But in a few months. I notice he hardly ever uses his litter box - pees in the cage and poops in his cardboard box - I shook his towel off outdoors last night. I don't mind much- but if his legs don't get better soon I may have to come up with a different cage set-up. Hmm.
 Sent mother day cards to Karen and Mom. In Mom's included a page with 2 pictures and some "I'm doing fine" text. A longer letter soon. Like, tomorrow.
 Two days till Whole Earth Festival - maybe bump into Jerry - who wrote the Shake Some Action stuff for davis80smusic - for a beer. Spend night at Marge's. A little weird? I dunno. We were friends - even family - before Shelley and I got romantic. Yes. It us weird I guess. But not comfortable - or at least, the awkwardness is well-balanced by the feeling of things being right in the world. There were like parents to me - and friends - before during and after the marriage. Yay. Looking forward to music, dance, performances, night at the domes(?), biking around town, naps on the grass. Maybe some old familiar faces.
 PK ~1973. Very much like LC. She sent these, and I asked for more, with less covering. It didn't happen. I hadn't learned patience. Yet. Impetuous demands work sometimes, but better of they are parallel with thoughtful concern for the other. One can tell. Barb Lau sent some, too. Asking for what you want sometimes works.

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 Tue May 6.08
 1989

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 Mon May 5.08 wk
 Along till 10am, but randy back tomorrow.
 Yest, biked to Elmwood for bunny food, fancy ice cream, then biked neighborhood above Julia Morgan - beautiful homes, small yards mostly, walked bike up steep pathway and rode it up steep hills, worked off some of the ice cream - felt excellent to be out, free to explore. Whole Foods salad/yogurt cups/cheese samples people watching.
 Got home and hit cottage boxes - after calling Sooz to make sure she was home, and hearing a bit about her trip to Chile and Easter Island and Santiago's neighborhood dogs - went through all the boxes, pulled out a few things, high school year book, photos/proof sheets for fun scanning. Feels good to have it done - memory boxes like multi-tentacled monster that had to be forced back under the bed. probably just spring-cleaning, but in context of contact from high school folks/ LRY folks / LaFrenieres / Davis / bands stuff - the past haunts me - learn to live with my past better, running away and thinking of it as a big negative ("I was fucked up then, now I'm not. I was clueless, Now I have a clue" ) all that is a drain - find the positive and keep it balanced. Everyone starts out young and ignorant and then we learn stuff. We never get perfect. Get over it, or learn to live with it.
 In other words - running from my past is exhausting - stop rung, it only runs along side me since it's in me. Stand still - movement happens without my mind. Movement happens without my mind, without my knowing, without my needing to know. Knowing - thinking - is the after effect.
 New bu med seems kind of good - mellow - maybe a bit of a euphoric? Email Fitzer and ask for the proper way forward re getting off 1 and onto another?
 Listened to X-Men rehearsal tape, some Veil, Rain Parade and Iggy Pop live at the Berkeley Keystone. Fun stuff. Bad quality. Pay Randy to set me up at work to digitize tapes and improve quality?
 Got hat, Vice mags, lava lamp and crystal-decorated toilet seat at yard sale next to Nomad. Lave lamp! It works by heat of light bulb interacting with crystal crap in fluid. Weird and very cool! Last night watched swatches of The Host with Buff and we both agreed the monster was amazing!
 Good weekend. Bikes rides, shopping, yard work, spring cleaning, play/opera, G&S,, naps, slept in, comic book store, cottage organize. Dishes done. Salads eaten. Meds renewed, and amount cut, and new one tried out. Now - write to Mom for Mother's day.
 Took down snapshots. WWI pics have pushed me near the edge of running out of room. Took diet stuff off wall above desk. More events there, and shrine to ghosts and fears, and weight photos - yes, before and after - I think the meds encourage the weight gain.
 PK 1973.

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 Sun May 4.08
 Slept in till ~10:30, and slept well with good clear thoughts.
 Yest biked to Doc for med re-prescribe. I suggested we cut my 10kl/mo to 5, she agreed (Fitzer's weekend substitute), she recommended Buspirone and, though I never got a straight answer from her about why it might be better than my current, or how I should take them: in conjunction with, or as a substitute for, the atenolol and kls, I got a brief prescription and am taking them daily with the at, and not taking kls.
 But, though the addict in me wants to hoard, wants to smile, hide and be slick and attractive, fact is that this stronger part of me said no, you, addict, are a clown, you are a mere desire who nether represents what's best for me, nor the life's pleasure I want for myself. I don't need 10kls/mo, so it's wasteful and pointless - wasteful! - I don't even take advantage of the overflow to abuse them - so what's the point? There is none. Clear-sighted. Yay.
 Took a dose yesterday on top of ~1/4 kl and was a bit woozy from it afterwards, which kind of sucked, but give it time - anyway, my mistake, what was I thinking to take a dose when I'd already taking the kl? Dummy.
 After doc, bike up Telegraph, couple of books at Moe's (big Marvel memorabilia book and Burne-Jones collection - one of the pre-Raphaelites I've never quite loved - too emotionally stiff and dry, an illustrator, not a fine artists - but will now try to understand and maybe love a little.
 Longs on Shattuck for prescription filling, Chinese lunch - ooh, too much - crackling rice soup and hot curry chicken - and I'd just weighed in at 220lbs(!!!) at doc's office. Fuck. I'm a failure at losing weight. What will it take?
 Mechanic's Bank for info re adding Sooz's name to Xo's account.
 Up through neighborhoods and beautiful casual ride home. Love my bike. Clean front and back yard a bit - bunch of junk on the sidewalk - having a cleaning frenzy - want to super-simplify the cottage area - weed front beds - nap, shower, G&S's. Still feeling woozy from the bu/kl - .5 shot of vodka to clear mind, yes. Talked about Marge & John visit, Scott Miller/Vanderbilt Lolita nation goings-on. What the fuck is all that about?
 Got to Berkeley downtown plenty early - ~11 minutes - ; found good parking with no problem. Stopped at Comic Relief - just happened to be free comic book day (!) - cool, go a pack, Stacey bought a couple of hard covers. Cool graphics.
 Play was long and more opera than we'd expected - our seats were amazing! Three rows back and on the aisle. Fucking perfect! The music and singing was wonderful - makes me want to see more opera live. Entertaining and educations - the Rep at its best - makes me want to find out more about the whole Figaro story and evolution of the story and opera, and Mozart - not much to compare it to, but it was pretty fucking beautiful, and some of the broken-hearted songs mad me cry a bit. What more could you ask: the bad guys have admirable qualities, the heroes are weak and foolish, and everybody is trying to fuck somebody - but hardly ever for love. Cool. Complex emotions. Honest. Dig it. Who knew the day would come when I would dig opera?
 Afterwards the performers stood in the lobby and I couldn't resist shaking Epp's hand and thanking him - the director's as well. Mildly awkward, but Epp is a fucking rock star who's performances have enhanced my enjoyment of life. Glad I got the chance, in fact I had been wishing I could.
 Bed midnight. Someone sent me the famous LRY pool pic to clean up in Photoshop for Yahoo group. Cool. Because I am cool. Slept soundly -
 - too windy today for hikes. Maybe this evening a Tilden walk? Picking chunks of dried skin off the bunny. He sleeps and rests in different parts of his compound. I think I notice him being uncomfortable with the dried skin, and doesn't pull away when I pull off itchy bits. He'll be happier when it's all better. Just have to wait - maybe pay someone to give him a shampoo?
 Now... move some boxes back under the bad.
 My thoughts are: this 'let my body get as much sleep as it wants', I can't make myself sleep, let my body handle it, let it be - that's working. Maybe apply the same attitude to other times, events of my life that retain the power to make life dark and negative - being drunk at my wedding, the whole high school unpleasantness - unless I hurt someone, unless I need to make amends, then let my body take care of it; I can't change it - if there are amends to be made, that means I can change things for the better - in my life and maybe someone else's - so that's worth doing. But this other stuff - years of unhappiness making me unhappy now - trust my body to be healing that, at its appropriate pace, and don't have my mind always be butting in.
 Something like that. Cool. I dig it.
 Pat sent me these - ~1973? - shortly before leaving South Charleston for Berkeley. Even that early people would respond to my requests - because, they could tell that my slightly outside-of-society artistic lifestyle and mind-set made me able to deal with it, not use or abuse, to take it the wrong way, because I'd created a safe creative space for us to exchange in. We could be naked together, and hug and cuddle, take photos, converse, whatever - in a way one could not in the straight world, where nudity means mandatory sexual activity - do things, give experiences that were not available elsewhere. And everyone wants experiences, to feel as if they have lived. There's a fine line, but often I found it and maintained my mental presence there.
 Pretty, skinny, wide-hips, small breasts, pretty smile, long-hair. They told her - when she was in the hospital - that I was trouble, bad for her, that she should not hang out with me - and even back then, although I hated them for it, I knew they were right. But I couldn't exactly admit that to her, because I wanted her. But they were right.
 But thank you. I love you for sharing these pictures with me.

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 Sat May 3.08
 Rep tonight, prescription renewal this morning at 11 - also get updated list of health providers. Yes, it's time for dentist and dermatologist. Nutritionist would be nice, too - get this extra load off my ass. 180lbs is sounding real good about now.
 Woke up weepy - all this high school stuff - I had it no worse than anyone else, all things considered - popular kids were good-looking, athletes - and decades later I'm still resentful? "Get over it" should be my new password to success and mental health, fuck's sake - what good does self-pity do? Breath deep - take long overview - no one got everything they wanted, rain falls into everyone's life: count society and sexual experiences I did have - many were quite nice. Fun, relaxing, hot, juicy, etc. Some folks have more smarts, more sexual potential, etc - life not fair bla bla bla (yawnn) and are well-hated for it by the rest of us.
 I brought a 1978 journal to work to scan out the Pat K polaroids and drawings I did of naked LRY girls (which drawings are not as good - under close examination of scanning and Photoshop clean-up - as I'd remembered) - and read it on the way home - same insecurities - a lot of discomfort over my hyperactivity / anxiety - my real life-long curse, because it disrupted the social life I did have. But there's lots of conversation, letters, LRY contacts, girlfriends, art class people / crushes - not so isolated as I tend to remember. Maybe it's not so much that I had no social contact, but that they didn't last - they lacked permanence - and I'm still learning that that's why FAMILY is special, because it's always family no matter the distance or dislike or hatred, it's more permanent than any individual or social scene. I had Davis friends and a sort of social life - but I compare everything to the family-lack-hole I wanted filled - and it took a scene - the band scene - to fill that hole, and Scott was the Daddy (spank), and that's part of why it's so intense now. Another patriarch rejects me. Well - Slam! - Fuck you. No doubt my story is not unique - why do people join bands/gangs, etc anyway? To make up for the pain of leaving / losing home.
 And that's why the friends I have now that are most like family are rated the best yes.
 Okayyyy-y-y...
 Close to telling the NY co-worker about my thought on out good-bye moment 1.25 yrs ago. Hotel. Shower. Nude photos. TV. Maybe enough time has passed to bring it up without causing discomfort.
 Nomad is saying no to wi-fi evenings going forward. Makes sense - end of an era.
 Last night, quick nap, co-op, cleaned, swept, took out garbage - filled box with empty diet coke cans in the fridge as a joke. I hope she gets it - home Sunday.
 I seem to remember sitting day-after-day, painfully alone, up at Carson middle school, when I was... what? - 15-16? - almost making a conscious decision - it seems one morning, but maybe over a longer time, to respond to my unhappiness over isolation friend-lack with hostility - answer rejection with rejection - all approaches will be met with anger, to cover sensitive flesh. Girl-like. It hurt too much - time to put on the armor.
 Time to take the armor off now, and break the old habits - neuroses - live a lifestyle appropriate for current health, optimism, happiness and competence. Angry high school doesn't suit me anymore. Period.
 If digging through the old youthful memories makes me crazy, then I need to face that craziness fearlessly - make a shrine, burn a doll, whatever, don't cover it up with highs - that's kid stuff - highs are for deeper wounds than that -parental deaths and such - take care of the ghosts - ghosts should not be frightening me at this point. Hurtful maybe - but not frightening.
 Put up Granpa Halloran's WWI photos yesterday. Cool. I dig it. Wonder why now? Just because I ran into them and I could.
 Take some days off after Randy gets back to work. I think someone else got July 4th holidays- so I don't have the Oregon days even if I want, but a break sounds good. Take a year off. Spend a week at home, and or weekdays at Harbin or some other hot springs with woods to walk through.
 Lisa M. (1980) Last saw her in 1982. 25 years. Yes - this is how it happens. Expect more reconnects. People have careers and families - then they reconnected. Respond to the contacts. It's normal and healthy, rejection gains nothing and stymies healing.
 I loved hanging out with her naked. Comfortable snuggling / talking. I was such a nudist. And it's good I got that taken care of while I was young and skinny!  :-)


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 Fri May 2.08
 After Thu work did big laundry and hung late with Willie, so tired yest  -got home and got hit with the nap stick until 7:30'ish, to my surprise awoke with light out the skylight. Skylight. Love my skylight. Don't forget to be grateful for the skylight.
 I practice being grateful for specific thing - but general feeling of gratefulness - that's taking time. Life being a permanent sauna and weekend getaway will also be hard to pull off, but I can do it. Why not?
 Biked to WF for salad/curry chicken, lots of cups of yogurt - my new sin.
 Yest put a bunch of polaroids to REM's Perfect Circle (re-did it today with live version), I want people to see my photos, and that's a way - I find it nearly impossible to distance myself from the polaroid images and the times and groups they represent to me - however inaccurately. Oh, well. No harm, no foul. It's fun to put them up - although I'm always a little surprised and mildly disappointed when they don't receive wider acclaim, admiration and envy ("Looks like you had fun!! How did you get all those girls to pose nude for you??" etc etc). Hmp.
 Willie visit tonight - clean up for Sooz's Sunday return - has it been a month already? I dig the occasional home-away-from-home getaway fun. And I dig Willie. The cat.
 Saturday doc visit to renew kl prescription, Figaro Saturday night with G&S - great review, and it's same troupe that did the Miser, which I dug so much I got a season subscription after years without. Good theater is a super treat. And Berkeley Rep's experimental, edgy, boundary-breaking events are always worth a gander - highly-enjoyable adult education. Maybe this time I should see it twice - if it's as enjoyable as I expect - to see if a second viewing is really worth doing. I'll bet it is.
 No plans Sunday. Randy back Tuesday - back to 8-4:30 - getting off early has been a good thing. Should I consider making it permanent during the Summer?
 Uh... found some old photos in journal from plastic Buckets o' Memories currently taking up all my extra cottage space. Reaching around the boxes to get a glass of water to turn on fan for the bunny. Weird. That's a funny thing. The past comes up and I pull out all the plastic buckets of journals/photos/drawings and leave no space to move. Am I protecting myself somehow - showing myself I have had a life, a past? Weird. Go through them - it is worth it - maybe recent high-school-era contacts make necessary to go through the memory boxes to fill in gaps. Putting my life out where I can see it.
 Is my past my life? Do I consider my life my past? Isn't my life here and now, and the rest an ancient path? But what a shock to rediscover high school pics of me at 15 and 16 - oh my god. Who was that kid? I'm smiling, oddly. My hair is ridiculous, my nose broad and my chin receded.
 Gilrs girls girls. (1979)
 
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 Wed Apr 30.08
 Left work early yest - Josqin to vet, he seems better but got the 2nd mite shot anyway, and I promised to try to bathe him. His fur grows back seasonally, so the bald spot may last till Fall...? I felt more comfortable than the first visit - when I was feeling like a bad daddy - I asked all the questions I had, and spake my observations clearly.
 1/8 kl in am, another sliver before leaving for the vet. It helps.
 Then home for a nap - I could have done laundry or gotten out for a Tilden hike, but I wanted to nap. Spotty but felt good. Up ~7 for rb and bike to WF for salad, yogurt cups, curry chicken, bananas. Bed early'ish - fast-forwarding through Gilmore Girls, weird dreams - work-related tension, everything going wrong during a training - but woke good, refreshed and a step past tension over recent schedule change and LaFreniere reconnect.
 Now: No work - almost 11 - good - brought pile of desk stuff with me - start going through it here? Tonight - coop/Willie, laundry... exercise of some sort: walk/bike. Feeling free of M&P, frightening and enlightening. Sad and glad. But it's all phony savings and reputation, if things fell apart hard home would be where they have to take me in, and where'd I'd have to go. The only home I'll ever have. But so hard to approach.
 The plastic boxes already have writing on them, what's in them... I want to find an arrangement with easy access is all - how? I await the vision.
 Buffocados.
 Good. Into the 5am business. Randy home early next week, and Sooz around same day - suddenly, no Willie car or getting up early. Get the shit back under the bed and start May fresh and daily active. Daily active is what I want - along with serenity.
 Finished disposable camera in glove box. Put all 26 up. Bit more interesting than expected, if only because I don't know how far back they go. Probably 2006 - Oregon 2006(?).
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