Thu Jul 3.08
Josqin to vet last night - bad mites, monthly topical ointment for that - possible sore back leg from injection, and a bad sore on his hock that I had seen but not appreciated how bad it was, or how sensitive it might be. Topical ointment for that, too. Josqin was well-behaved and I was nervous and anxious, but we got it done.
Nice slow week at work.
3-days - darn - tonight drove to North side food court for burrito, strawberry fresca and small chocolate gelato. Life is rough.
Put up more video of my fine art nudes. Wondering how long they will stay up - forever? They are pretty tame and not sexual. Any sexuality or sensuality comes from natural body, but it isn't exaggerated or highlighted by music, angle, attitude or pose. Today put up a quick one with fire zone bowl shots of Brit and Marta. Might re-do with bowl centered on all shots. Scanned a lot of proof sheets and negatives today - Aeron on couch shots - similar concept, couch constant, figure moving - combine with re-done bowl and Lisa Camhi robe shots?
I feel quite comfortable - surprisingly so? - putting fine art nude video clips on YouTube: I'm leaving out any shots that might attract wrong sort of attention, and the nudes are all either very old - mid-80s - or people who were very casual about nudity and comfortable, even tickled, by the idea of their pictures being displayed publicly or published for wide distribution. Anyway, hardly anyone watches my art nude videos - I tag them discreetly so they don't get gathered in porn searches, and anyway what I'm putting up isn't what they're looking for - no good for wanking. Sepia. Black and white. No Makeup.
Also created separate YouTube site - Photographs and Music (woo!), intending to put art nude clips there first to see if they attracted censorious attention, but it didn't turn out that way, I'm just putting them up on both... so what's the point? Allowing more focus on what is in essence a vanity project - more for my own enjoyment, not designed for what I imagine an imaginary audience might enjoy. Might come in handy eventually if I create something with more potential for - closer to the edge of what is allowed. Can't imagine though.
Sleeping okay. Enjoying long days and warm weather but didn't get out much this week - GG Tuesday night - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla one night... hmp. Watched the great bad guy scenes from Sexy beast with Sooz Tuesday.
Magellan, the white earless neighborhood greeter cat, died last weekend. His owner of 15 years - since kitten-hood -put up a sign which I saw this morning on way to work. Saw her this afternoon on way back and thanked her for the thoughtful note, the neighborhood won't be the same - friendly-ass cool cat. He would meow when he saw me coming from afar, walk towards me and I would squat and exchange observations about neighborhood doings, in particular the activities of other cats who might be thinking about moving in on his territory. If he was up on the stoop, and not obviously too comfortable, whether in sun or shade, I would squat and wait with my hand out, and usually he would come down slowly, walk beneath my hand and around behind me, back to the front for rubs and gentle head scratching. Sometimes onto his back, never speaking after the initial greetings. There he was. White earless cat.
Karen's computer got stolen - she had backed up some stuff (but not all) onto hard drive I got them for x-mas. So that's good. Partial save.
Haven't heard from Shelley re photo albums. Didn't hear back from Lisa C re the shots of her in the YouTube video. And I haven't been responding to some messages. Don't put myself down - life gets in the way.
1977.
++++++++++
Sun Jun 29.08 Nomad 9:45am
Less fire/smoke-related sore throat/congestion this morning, but some; trouble getting to sleep, but slept well.
Called Richmond House Rabbit folks yesterday - very helpful! - made appt at Shattuck VCA for Wednesday evening. Type something up so I don't confuse things with emotional ramblings. I'm upset by Josqin's health problems (irrational, but makes me feel like a 'bad daddy'), and am as clear as possible re timeline and issues.
Issues are: Inability to support himself on back right leg. Possible skin problem (bald spots, clumpy fur).
Stick to my assertion that leg problem is event-specific: he was vigorous and athletic right up until vet visit for mite shots. Make sure I am heard. Take .5 kl beforehand if necessary - I'm clearly stressed and emotionally off-balance about all this. I'm acting like he is my child, which he is, in a way.
Yesterday - very little - hours reading the 100's of pages of transcripts from Dover ID trial. Great reading! Love the judge - he always says the right thing and keeps his eyes on fairness and the law.
Emailed Karen re Josqin calls/appointments - and personally felt a flash of clarity/serenity once I'd made the calls - obviously it was bugging me a lot that I was procrastinating abut making the appointment - imagine how much better I'll feel after I make appointments for doctors/dermatologists/dentists for my own health - this would be the time to do it, as work is slowing down for the summer.
Emailed Lisa Camhi re YouTube videos with her shots, no reply yet.
Evening hunger: Drove to Fatapple's for bacon cheeseburger/fries/choc shake and trial transcripts: the Behe cross. Comic Relief on the way home - they were having a $1 sale in back - got ~$16 worth, 90s stuff - memories, and a plastic model Batman flyer for Eric. WF for bunny stuff - he loved his carrot - so excited, tried t get out of the cage but flops into his side - it doesn't seem to freak him out when he falls now, he expects it and just struggle until he can get up. I can arrange / time my feeding so he isn't able to attempt to get out, so avoids the falling/flailing.
Gil blogged about some hard rock - inspired me to order Cactus (Parchman's Farm!) greatest hits from Amazon, and the 2nd to last Peanuts collection while I was at it.
Stinky homeless guy still here at Nomad - do I say something, or get all Zen and progressive? He's like the Nomad pet - aren't we liberal, we sit next to the stinky person who takes up space without buying anything. Seems like a nice guy, but... he stinks goddamit! If you're gonna be supportive to this guy, then also have him to your house and let him use your shower and washing machine. And let him have sex with your 14-yr-old daughter while you're at it.
Hey, you kids get offa my lawn!
Sigh.
Today - it's overcast, cool and smoky. What's at Nicasio? Nothing yet - Kronos Quartet in a few weeks.
So - a Russian River loop today? Too smoky? Too overcast? But it's too borderline depressing staying indoors/in-town.
Buff DJ back. Did small load last night. That's it.
~1986? Aeron. Shelley & I still in Oakland? Sufficient Grounds. Dreamed I saw Tom on the street doing some menial labor; I said hi but didn't stop - in the dream I was considering the least awkward protocol. Look through proofs. Make more photo slide show videos. Create a separate YouTube channel for my photo videos so they do not make trouble to the angrylambie stuff? Avoids potentially embarrassing associations with people who know me and models. Good idea.
++++++++++
Fri Jun 27.08 Home bed
huh - no blogging this week - been feeling not right - fires - north, south, and east - air smoky and nasty, sore throat, itchy eyes. Been feeling somewhat nauseous. Keep telling myself it's psychological and I'm just tired, but it could be something. Except it's always something. Eat well. Sleep well. I'm fine. If I'm tired, so what? We're all tired.
Watching front cats this week no problem. GG with Sooz last night 'cause Tuesday night I felt too wasted.
Worrying that I caused Karen unnecessary concern about Josqin - an emotional issue: pets, children, love - watching him decline was / is scary and sad - intimations or mortality - but aside from hair loss, that is - him *looking* bad -main problem is his not being able to support himself on his back left leg, unless he lifts himself up high. I'm not convinced he's incontinent - it could be just too much trouble getting in and out of the cage, or in and out of the litter box. But. Could be... could be early paralysis. Get blood work done, and get him bathed. He seems pretty happy currently - settled into cage and the new morning/evening routine.
Horny. Sad.
Went online today and found page that backlogs old versions of web sites - including this one - had photos that are no longer on my ISP server, a blog page from ~ 2003 with naked Claudia Silverman reference. So, I need to remember, even though I remove pages and photos, they are potentially around forever. Not that I care. But maybe I should.
Mailed Karen stuff from Rory Root memorial. Found a picture online on Daily Cal site with me in it - small and distant. Still. At work referred to some wimpy music as "Music for your dick to fall off to." Cracked everyone up.
Doing photo + Satie videos for YouTube. It's good to be able to express myself, to be my own boss with these projects, simple as they are. Cool to see my best shots - nudes and other - with favorite music. Of course the emotional resonance they have for me is unique to me - to anyone else? Can't imagine. I guess I hope they're impressed with my photos. Included Jenni shower nudes in today's, a bunch of Lisa Camhi proof sheets scans in yesterday's, but shied away from more revealing shots - though a slide show of overlapping shots might be cool. But, I should tell her. Right?... Right!?
Anything else? Well, right - called in sick Monday with poison oak, and presumed poison oak-related nausea and general malaise. Felt crappy Tuesday - probably should have called in sick then, too. Follow-up on LA training and billing for cabs and sushi seem to have gone fine. Savings ~41. Looking good for end-of-year 45+.
Uncle Ralph died - Anne emailed - sounds like it was sudden. Visited Shirley in Cincinnati, back to Florida, and died of heart attack. He was cool. And in spite of warm sentiments, my memories are almost all from childhood. "Don't dart the motor, Uncle Ralph." - except for special "Well, you've conquered your demons." at M&P's 50th. Dad wrote me he & Ralph had recently patched things up somewhat. If I want to see M&P again before they go I should do that soon. For me.
Bunny still drinking from the water bottle driving me nuts in middle of night with racket. And now I hear the toilet drain/refill every time. Sigh.
Picking up plums from backyard. Pulling yummy blackberries off thorny vines on east-side fence. Wondering if YouTube will pull my art videos because of nudity; but they allow other fine art nudity and classical music, so I am optimistic they will stay up. I hope, because the nudes are some of my favorite work.
Printed out 100s of pages of trial transcripts from Dover ID trial; reading on BART and at home. Fun stuff. Courtroom and cultural, religious, scientific drama.
9pm - in bed since 8 - early to bed, early to rise?
++++++++++
Mon Jun 23. 08 II
Got some stuff done - front yard work, trimming bushes; cleaned bunny cage, got rid of litter box and added new bedding, which he seems to like a lot, and re-made bed covering entire surface, reclaiming it, doc @1:45, discussed meds mix-up, weight, dizziness - decided to try the Busprane or whatever for a month or so - more psychoactive, but recommended by both docs now - they haven't steered me wrong yet, so, okay - it doesn't mean I'm on them forever. Cleared desk, pile for tomorrow, hooked up speakers - they sound great - good bass - playing now: Talking Heads Cross-eyed and Painless live in Italy.
Many things left undone - exchanged some emails with Karen re Josqin's symptoms, call house bunny society tomorrow, ask for someone who gives rabbits baths, and ask about blood tests.
Box of music negatives proofs still a steadily growing catastrophe, and file box remains untouched. Once started it will go quickly - whenever. Cats in front behaving - no puking or peeing yet. Did a coupe of loads Saturday - nice to have all clean. Picking up fallen plums - the one plastic container disintegrated on the way to the green bin on the side path - fuck! said I - and cleaned up when back from doctor.
Not much going on in my mind - borderline depressed - but mainly good, and tonight I felt lucky, worthy and basically on top of things and happy with my life - with all life.
Hmp - over-eating a problem. What to do. Fight or enjoy. Do or don't. But don't bother myself about it - food is probably a replacement for sex. Difficult to fight that. Will power - yeah, whatever.
Tonya Tilden ~1979. Band scene was a big turning point - this was before, I think - though the erotic stuff we did was... 1981-82? So during... hmmm... there were plenty of ups and downs in that scene, I was sometimes cut out for being a drunken asshole, let back in for a variety of reasons, sometimes they needed photos, sometimes gave me a second chance because I wasn't all bad. Scene scene scene. I complain about so-and-so, but I was a big dick plenty of times, sometimes wonderful and cool, sometimes a worthless embarrassing dolt. So... be a little easy with the judgments.
++++++++++
Mon Jun 23.08I
Woke from a deep dark sleep ~8:20, called Randy to confirm he'd got Sunday's msg that I wouldn't be in. Woke from a dream about GBV playing in a small room, stepping out to make set list decisions, playing beautiful obscure bits from Devil Between My Toes - fun dream, casual rock and roll days, magical musicians - I loved hanging out in that scene, loved the sound, probably one of the reasons - along with my camera and loose way with prices - that I was allowed to hang around. As a stinky slob hippie I thought the rockers' focus on fashion and hair styles was silly, but really I had no experience to judge it by, and once I got into the scene it was no so bad, I was hybrid for a while, long hair and denim with mascara, but eventually did I care more about my hair and clothes... hmmm, not really, except for the black leather jacket and extra tight jeans I was always stinky slob hippie at heart. I always in my heart wanted to be a cleaner person - envied folks who bathed every day and always had clean clothes - and I do that now: another Mission Accomplished!
Called Berkeley Fam, 1:45 appt to discuss the meds.
Yest - another one of those "did yesterday happen?" times - mostly in bed online, heavy physical weariness may be combination of cleansing pills (which I am nearly done with), and poison oak - no ooph! ~4 I made it to Elmwood for bunny crucnhies and new bedding - gonna get rid of litter box, which he does not use, and use this soft straw kind of bedding they had. After Elmwood to Telegraph for sunglasses (to hide my swollen eyes), LaFiesta, Moe's. I made a list for today:
Bunny cage re-do
Mail Karen Rory Root memorial stuff
Clean desk
Take care of all electronic stuff (speakers, voce-activated recorder, etc)
Front yard needs tending to
Patricia in Davis ~1978 - friend of Jane's (Jane and I not together yet, but friends and maybe some physical affection?). Patricia & I shot nudes - some included me nude in various reactions (curiosity, fear, comforted) to her nudity. I was sooo uncomfortable with it all; human contact much less physical intimacy! No one-night stands for me! After shoot we sat and layed together in the bed talking, not even exactly snuggling, the kind of evolving 'sex-lite' I enjoyed - nudity, talk, pictures, touch/massage, showers - we discussed her genitalia - sex was the subject during those halcyon days of youth-, though slender she was self-conscious about her height - asked if I'd ever been 'with' someone as tall as her, and was embarrassed to admit she didn't know where she peed from, assumed - like a lot of girls did - that it somehow came from her vagina. She seemed to me a beautiful adult woman - she had that classical look, Madonna-like - appearing more mature than most college 'girls' I knew. It was two college friends hanging out naked after an artistic nude shoot, talking about everything, about our bodies, me not aroused but probably comfortably puffy.
Those were the art-school days, rather than the post-1979 rock days.
Josqin wedged between litter box and side of cage again this morning, but got out easily when I brought banana. He pees a lot and everywhere - yesterday there was thick dark yellow pee, I wondered if it was diarrhea or puke from too much greens the day before. Understandably I want him to have everything he needs, but over-feeding him is not good either.
Last night watched a lot of The Killer on YouTube and pulled lots of pics out for YouTube 'art nudes/Satie video.
Edea Darcque: French actress caught my eye - beautiful, sexy. Lorraine's shapely thighs. Tonya's strong back and breasts. Beautiful beautiful skin.
10:18 - finish paper, shower, clean cage, yard - doc early afternoon.
+++++++++
Sun Jun 22.08
Both eyes swollen now - unsightly, but only mildly irritating - mostly itchy when I first wake up. Some red dots on my right wrist, probably some blistering this week.
Josqin was wedged between litter box and side of cage - stuck? Dead? No, he didn't look dead - breathing, too - just resting, and maybe enjoying the support. He got excited when I brought him banana wedge, but stayed in that narrow space - after a bunch of petting I pulled him out - I don't think he was stuck - but he is pretty uncomfortable on his legs. I felt for sure this morning that he is dying - really not well, not going to get a whole lot better. He still loves his food, and affection - especially the head scratch - but... weak, skinny(?). Felt so sad. I was thinking about removing the litter box to give him room and lay a bed of straw... we'll see. Poor bunny.
Yest mostly hung at home feeling sort of crummy - not sure how - slightly depressed? A bit of stomach ache and physiologically upset about swollen eyes - no fun feeling ugly, feel like a homebound invalid, don't want to be seen in public. Might get some indoor sunglasses today.
Drove to Comic Relief ~5, not much happening and I'd forgotten reading glasses; to Long's for glasses and potato chips/cookies for memorial, and bank for cash. Took a lot of pictures and shot a few minutes of video. Chatted with Ron Turner about Karen, and another guy - Matt - saw me signing the guest book for her an introduced himself as someone who she had written for.
Put pics up on Flickr.
Had a few weak rum and cokes which I didn't seem to feel at all - still - there it is. Note reality. I didn't hardly think twice, and didn't seriously consider not drinking. Ted called it "normal drinking" - and I can call it that way, that my drinking in my younger years was normal for my life-style, that what I drink now is so little and so controlled, and I am so much better psychologically, that my current drinking seems like "not drinking". How important is that distinction - I say i don't drink and I don't smoke - but I may have a few beers a month and smoke 1 cigarette per month - I say I don't watch TV, but I do watch Gilmore Girls with Sooz, and watch TV when I'm away from home at a hotel. I think that's fine - no TV, cigarettes and booze does not imply 100% purity - I could add "for all intents and purposes" I abstain from all those things, but why bother. With the doctor I clarified.
I think what's bugging me now is that I sense that alcohol has snuck into the cracks and crevasses and become a more regular part of my life than I've acknowledged, and I need to focus on it, pay appropriate attention considering my past, and make sure I'm not heading for trouble. It's too serious to play games with.
Not much chatting at the memorial, but I felt pretty comfortable, and also felt appropriate attending and feeling moved, as Rory's store had become, at times, like a second home, - when I was living in the car, after the divorce, a place of comfort - a clean well-lit place.
Put memorial vid up Monday - unless I decide to call in sick, which I'm leaning towards - this unsightly swelling is depressing. And another video of my art photos - including tasteful nudes - to my favorite Satie is definitely on the table. Curious to see if it flies, or is deleted. Other artistic nude videos are up, and my nudes are tasteful, so, it should work.
Today?
+++++++++
Sat Jun 21.08
Woke up with left eyes swollen mostly shut, itchy and watery - poison oak I assume - brought back some pretty bad memories of that night and morning 10 years ago when I had a much worse case, extreme itching, swollen face, eye completely closed I assumed some allergic reaction which could be serious - alone in the cottage, paralyzed, I called Karen and she came and drove me to the emergency room. That's what it means to have a friend.
Anyway, Berkeley Family was closed today, so went to Alta Bates emergency room - after feeding Josqin, the worried front house cats (DJ&Buff at jazz camp), watering front and back, washing and hanging laundry in back yard - it's hot as fuck!! - so not too worried. Emergency room went fast, but it took ~an hour to get out - they had latest Economist and recent New Yorkers, and I wore one of those open-backed hospital gowns, but that was because I'd mentioned itching in the genitals - though that turned out to most likely be heat-related, not poison oak related. Doc gave me a prescription for steroid meds if the swelling/blistering gets worse, but suggested I may not need it al all.
At one point he asked me if I drank or smoked, no and no said I... then hesitated, well, said I, I'm an alcoholic and quit drinking 10 years ago, but nowadays will have a few beers a month. He pinned me down a bout playing with dynamite, taking big chances - I said well, I don't drink alone or if I'm unhappy, only in specific social situations, but how true is that? His point was spot on, and I've avoided raking a honest clear look at how alcohol was wound it's way back into crevasses on cracks in my defenses - *only* social situation - but almost always taken advantage of - with Eric, with G&S, with dinner - do I even eat sushi without sake anymore? Martinis are fun and Dean Martin and all - but how many have I had in the last 3 months? Physical, mental and moral health aside, how much do they cost - how much per month goes to alcohol: those "few" beers, couple of martinis, large sakes - would it help to calculate? Not to mention the risk; if I'm avoiding looking closely at potential consequences, including legal if I overdo it while driving - well, it's an awful lot of risk for a little fun that worries my friends and breaks with a path and promise I made to myself 10 years ago, a path that not once has caused me any problems or pain, nor has it cost me money or friendship - a purely positive activity, staying sober.
Reconsider Robert. Be smart. Act smart even if I'm not feeling smart. I know the difference. And sober feels good and works best. So why be so sneaky and give in to taking path of least resistance? Work a little - give myself reason to be proud of myself at the deepest levels. Being an alcoholic and not drinking is not shame. Not wanting to drink - for good reasons- and drinking anyway is a shame, and no doubt affects me deeper than I know. I know it. Can't ssy exactly how. But I know it: lazy in one important area, lazy in others.
Thanks doc, give me something to think about.
Anyway - really fucking hot, and a bad way to start the day.
Yesterday, longest day of the year, wanted to watch the sunset from Telegraph Hill, but didn't want to wait for hours, and felt too worn out for a long, hilly strenuous walk. But, it was a long beautiful day, so I decided to walk, but walk slow and easy - casual.
Through Chinatown, stopped at a real authentic place, got house specialty chicken. Yum - slimy tasty 1/2 chicken with sticky steamed rice & Chinese veggies and diet coke. Fortified I walked to Washington Square park, sat for hours watching children and dogs frolic in the balmy evening, read print-out of trial transcript from Intelligent Design trial in PA: combination of science vs. religion in legal construct / language with an excellent judge! That is some fun fucking reading.
Before I knew it time had flown and the sun was low in the sky, so I slowly tread up to Coit Tower, got an It's-It and lemon iced tea inside and saw a pretty decent sunset ~8:30; later this summer watch one from the tower.
Altogether a wonderful Summer late afternoon evening. Back through North Beach - which was packed with happy tourists, a good vibe - Chinatown to Union Square and BART, which was running 30min late! Talked with an old lady from Vegas to told me to visit Vegas.
Feed Josqin - slept when I could - got under the blankets at some point I don't remember - as I was waking up this morning I was having sort of bad dreams about setting Josqin on fire, with lighter fluid, trying to light it, the flames were not building well - he wasn't struggling or apparently in distress, not trying to get away - , I tried another match, more fluid, newspaper as fuel, then was running low on fluid, and Josqin was not burning well and I feared he would suffer, in the end he was looking white-furred and better than ever. Weird dream, not sure what was going on *in* the dream, but some part of me wants this to be over, even wants him to be gone so I have the place to myself and don't have the responsibilities - ; when I woke up Josqin was sort of snuggled back in the far corner of the cage looking nervous (so I thought), like he had picked up the vibe in my dream. Then I gave him banana, straw, water and all was very very well.
Last couple of times I've lifted him out of cage and onto the bed, he has dove back into the cage with such speed and agility I almost thought he was healed. Obviously he's most comfortable there, his space, where the food is.
Good review at work. Talked about the whole LA thing.
After doctor this morning lunched at LaFiesta, now home. More laundry - bedding? Why not. Spell-check, copy edit? Nahhh! Laze around. Tidy the cottage. Pick up plums.
1982
+++++++++
Wed Jun 18.08
Too tired to blog - feel a little sick from fatigue - flying down to LA, train for two days, 6 hours wrecks my throat, and a chipped tooth is scarping my tongue, very irritable. Barked at Buff about plum-picking up tonight...
Got to work and all, could've fallen asleep in my chair, but got things done - home to feed Josqin; saw a picture of him on MySpace, stretched out on the bed, back feet face up; big, happy and relaxed... reality check, sad, but right, he, even if his hair fully grows back, and his back/legs heal completely (which isn't going to happen unless there's a miracle), he'll never be the young hoppy, leaping-off-the-cardboard box frisky outh like back then. So, make sure he has al he needs and do spend time with him. I put him on the bed for a short while tonight, with an apple slice, pets and kisses - he licked my arm like old times and purred. The change came very quickly - his hair started falling out, took him to the vet, and something happened - back legs went - he fusses over them - no hair on tops of his back feet.
Anyway, yeah - nice hotel in LA, in the evening found sushi (1 large sake) at a food court, single scoop of Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie. Forgot to eat Monday so was spaced out in the afternoon, kind of stressed and unhappy. made sure to eat plenty and well Tuesday, sandwich and mocha before morning admin training, sushi (sake again) for lunch - I ordered a small sake but they gave me a large; I resisted temptation and only drank 1/2 - among other things, I'd taken 1/4 kl in the morning, and my throat and tongue were bothering /distracting me - all I needed was to be uncomfortably intoxicated, even a little goofy, so I didn't. Thought that was a good sign, 'cause I felt pretty clear about it. Afternoon training went well, fun meeting the LA office folks, made a few contacts, added faces to names.
Taxi'd to airport and back from home, which I wasn't exactly allowed to do, we'll see if they go for it. If not, then next time, or I ain't flying. It's too stressful. Took a long bath Monday night and a shower in the morning. Nice big bathroom! But too bad about the mirrors - full length - oh fuck - 54 and fat. Owch! Fuck. No way I'd dragging this into bed with anyone. Fuck. Not happy about that - maybe even a bit depressed. Look at it - me - in the face and feel my feelings. No one can harm you, feel your own pain, I... I found out.
What else... took 1/4 kls each morning, along with Advil for tongue/throat pain. 1 Advil PM to sleep Sunday and Monday night. Tiger Wood's amazing US open win! Gay marriage in California. Obama. Clinton. A lot of people are saying the same thing: we never thought we'd live to see it. Reason to be happy. I think I notice black people seeming happier - maybe my imagination, maybe I'm happier - maybe we're all happier to see, look, we can rise above, we can be better than we knew. Yes, that's a very good feeling. Relish these days. These are revolutionary times. Or maybe the U.S. playing catch-up with the world, but reasons to hope after 8 despairing years of Bush / Cheney torture, eternal war, fuck the constitution the world and everyone but rich, white oilmen.
Josqin's whiskers seem chopped... did they fall out with the mite infestation, or is his hair getting brittle with old age. He's 8 - rabbit live to 8 or 9, maybe longer... but he's an old rabbit now - 70 or 80 in human years. Can't really express in words how I feel about him, I took him because I love him - but friendship develops when you spend time with people - or in the case - rabbits. So there is a kind of friendship. Sigh.
Okay - drove downtown after work for new phone - old one got wet somehow and stopped working - got 3 movies from Reel: Sexy Beast, Weird Movie trailers, Angel... that art movie about an angel, Win Wenders... City of Lost Angels?
My brain is a mess... watch a little Sexy Beast - maybe put up that end scene on YouTube? Get sleep - it's already 2. Got yogurts, pineapple, OJ at WF.
Life is good. Fucking relax.
Josqin couple of years ago. Fat, soft, warm and not a care in the world, and ruler of his side of the bed.
+++++++++
Sun Jun 16.08 II Nomad PM
Took 2 1/4 kls and ate a turkey sandwich, called home and chatted with Dad, wishing him Happy Father's Day, and briefly with Mom before they had to leave to make a dinner reservation with Anne and Mary. That was good, we voided politics (it may have been he was, too), and there was a separation between that respect and holiday, and the unfinished business - like one doesn't have to displace other.
Backyard BBQ with Buff/DJ and family, I had 2 beers and leant the recorder to the kids. Lots of fun talk, burgers and hotdogs. Fatigue hit and I napped with bunny, then not near bunny - woke feeling better on top of my twisted ruined reading glasses. Drive downtown for replacement glasses, Peet's mocha, Palestinian salmon wrap with carrot/orange juice, $200 from BoA. To Nomad, laundry across street.
Feeling better about LA - have some ideas about how to make it work - I always come up with a way.
Feeling a little stuffy in the chest, noticed some fatigue, that I can walk long distances and up multiple SF hills after work - and in Tilden - and be no more winded than I ought to be, but when I squat or lean over to tie a show it seems to cut off my wind, like I'm slightly panting when I stand back upright - I've read something about that - may also have been something about it in the atenolol warnings - like if you have these symptoms talk to your doctor, or stop taking the meds. I need to make an appt with Fitzer anyway re kls. When I get back.
I think another lower molar chip is irritating my tongue - yes, dentist. It's natural for men to avoid doctors for as long as possible - I'm okay - but do it anyway.
No word from Shelley yet re photo albums. Still early. DJ & Buff gone all next week. Karen & Iain out late July. Maybe visit in the Fall?
Sleep in tomorrow, leave for 11am flight at... 9am? Up at 8am? Shower. Pack clean underwear. Remember the memory sticks. Make some notes on the plane. 1/4 kl for flight. No more. Remember meds. It really is no big deal - another opportunity to do my best, observe and have fun. Have fun! No cleansing pills while I'm down there. Eat protein. Relax, have a good time, be charming, make sure their time with me is the best time they have all day. Make sure I have the best time - take full advantage - enjoy - have a couple of good meals, take a taxi home.
9:15 - home - AdvilPM - bed by 10:30.
Unintentional first shoot flirting.
+++++++++
Sun Jun 15.08 I
Sat drive downtown - Hard Boiled to Reel, Telegraph for LaFiesta and Moe's $50 art book (in German unfortunately) with amazing plates, library to reread Ranmas, home for 1.5hr nap, Gil's (Stacey in IL), he took me our for dinner - rib-eye steak & martini - yum! Talked among other things about our worries about the future - how difficult looking for new job is - sigh, but we have a lot to be thankful for, things cold be way worse, etc etc - and who knows? Things looked pretty bleak for me 10 years ago but not so bad now. Sure, my home is a packing crate - but that's how it looks form the outside, I understand the true value, and it is enormous.
$10 tripod from next-door yard sale. Even though I don't have "friends" in the neighborhood, I do know faces, a few names, some cats - people who would look familiar. That is a sort of community. Sort of. Not like I imagined, or hoped - that's why people go to church and pubs and such.
Slept decently, woke up still stressed - it's just part of these training situations - esp because my tongue is slightly irritated on the right side, I feel it against my teeth and feel like it enhances my lisp and I fear it will make training for 6 hours difficult - take some Advil - take 1/8 (1/4?) kl - Advil PM to sleep. It's a big task - training trainers, training admin, training summer interns, knowing I will not be around to follow up. Improvisation. Invention. Charm. This, I can do. There's no doubt in my mind that I can do it, is there? It's just meeting a lot of new people is stressful - well, that's where the at and kl come in handy. A long hot bath the night before, plenty of good protein-filled food, a little coffee: Breath - breath - breath.
Damn good steak last night - and one top-shelf vodka extra dry no olive martini, sipped slowly throughout a meal, works just fine.
Celebrity Sleuth.
Yesterday's is the 3rd-4th expensive ($50-70) art book I've bought lately that gets stuck on the shelf awaiting reading. Careful. I, like eating, buy art books to fill a need. The need is probably companionship.
Today? Father's Day picnic in back yard - Nicasio BBQ? Unlikely, because it usually involves drinking and also is a little tiring - enjoy a long slow healing day doing things I like - not to prepare for LA - just because it's hat I want. I'd like to do without the stress I'm going through over LA, but am only partially successful at this point. Still, partially successful, not failing and in despair. Right. Stayed in bed till 10am - pleasant half-dreams about massaging CCAD black foreign-accented innocent but horny art students. Okay. Touch.
Touch is missing. Possibilities being considered. Nothing is off the table. Well, yes, unattractive is off the table. This isn't about being fair. This about about ME and what I want, and need, pride and fear being the hurdles.
Tilden? Tonight - laundry... pack... time trip to airport... get there an hour early by BART? Tuesday night taxi home.
It's no big deal. Just like walking across town, except it flying to LA (hyperventilates), obviously I am more fearful of flying than I admit to myself. (pant pant pant).
Josqin falling more regularly, struggling even more to get up. Shakes his legs in irritation throughout day, shifting uncomfortably on his haunches. Poor bunny. Pets, carrots, water, books to tear up, occasionally I lift him out onto the bed - when he tries to jump out and can't, falls back into the cage on his ass and struggles to get up - I hate to see that - but he accepts is it seems, learns, doesn't try again, swallows his pride and let's me pick him up, set him on the towel and pet him. Sad. But it may get better. Fingers crossed.
Obsessed.
+++++++++
Sat Jun 14.08
Yest at work prepared all the LA training stuff. Feel pretty good about it. The closer time comes to event, the more focused I am and easier it became; could see it was do-able, I am right person to do it, expectations are low - difficulty of the task / situation understood, so whatever I do - so long as I do my best - will more than suffice. My and department's reputation solidifies further. Not that that means more money, or better treatment - no one gives a fuck about graphics, or training - so what does it mean? A good reputation feels good personally, and shores up job security - but otherwise, eh. I suppose being valued means I can relax because they wouldn't want to fire me, but no leverage beyond that because, unless I am willing to quit over compensation (money/vacation days), a reputation has no substantial value. I don't have to crawl or eat shit - that's nice; I can look high-higher-ups in eye because I am recognized as pulling my weight. Thankfully I enjoy my work. So, what's the question? Can I get more compensation for all my extra work? Not financially. If I decide to start doing more overtime I could pull down a lot more $, really push it up there. It's all about the OT, let's face it. But I am kicking it now, and that feels right. Currently, additional compensation is: Job security, allowing me to relax/serenity. That means being able to make plans for the future, feeling fairly secure of the income. But... that's it? In Paradise, that should be a given, if I do my job well. If I do an exceptional job shouldn't that be reflected with raises? Well, you hear no one is getting them, and inflation is low, so the sting is reduced. It's not 1955, or 1965, or even 1975 where you got a pension and regular raises just for sticking around. Dang. Okay. Take another pill and move on.
Cleaning up a photo of Iain's grandaddy in Photoshop.
Yesterday after work, Tilden -20mins there - lovely and sunny - too tired for exercise, it was about beauty. 3xrb during, and fog blew in at the top eucalyptus grove - absolutely beautiful glowing light on shining trail, shimmering patches of eucalyptus leaves in the gusty wind like schools of fishes, scanning through trees below trail - ah, lovely lovely - resting on bench watching evergreen groves appear and disappear in the quick moving fog. Stopped now and then to just enjoy - very much in the moment - sometimes so lovely (I suppose the 1/4 kl at work helped) it looked like the way I hoped life would be. A little -a little - escapism never hurt anybody.
On way home - eureka! - Fatapples for bacon cheeseburger, small fries and chocolate shake with a NYT. Very near perfection, yes.
Home, bed relatively early - extra quality time and attention for Josqin, with his hind legs failing, and his front right paw bugging him, and not using the litter box, and fur a mess like he got chewed by a dog - but he loves his food and affection and shredding newspapers - he doesn't seem to be suffering. So. Just not as happy as he used to be because he is distracted by health issues. I dream that he will get entirely better, healed, before he dies. It could happen. Most important is now - that he is happy and contented enjoying his life now.
Someone at work's dad & bro shot, very emotional, goes home - may leave permanently? We sent home home in a cab and said don't even think about work, take care of yourself, stay in touch with your family.
Then of course one has to think about their own family, how you only have one, how all roads lead to home, how you never find anything else in life to replace it. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Click. Click. Click.
1989?
+++++++++
Thu Jun 12.08
After work walked 2.5 hilly miles to the fancy place above Palace of Fine Arts, down Lyon, bus to Union and Columbus - Union was full of shops, walk out that way, or back sometime, check out neighborhoods, plenty of buses of my feet get tired. Banana, avocado/cheeses sandwich dinner, mango smoothie in Chinatown, up California, down Powell. Good walk. Took it casual but made good time. Stopped at library mentioned in Brautigan's The Abortion.
Home to feed bunny, who seems to be peeing all over the place less? Looks like less in cage, but not in litter either - so probably imagining it. He emptied the water basin which holds two small yogurt cups of water (with vitamins, which I hope are magical).
Looks like K&I got a house in same neighborhood, more rooms for them to do their things, very cool.
Took extra cleansing pills tonight. They are helping.
Feeling better about trip to LA; now that it's upon me I am better able to focus on it and it's easier to see how do-able it is. Get everything organized tomorrow, send a few emails to determine who I talk to to make sure everything runs smoothly, organize the crap so I can not only train, but clearly explain how others should train. I can do it as well as anyone or better. I fucking kick ass. Humility. Knowledge. Clarity. Sense of purpose. Clearly defined mission. no problem. Far out.
No Advil tonight - I'm feeling better. Although a bit dizzy, a couple of low-blood sugar moments today/yesterday. The box says while I'm doing cleansing stuff I should not exert myself to much. Maybe 1/2 dose of at tomorrow?
When I meditated in Tilden a couple of weeks ago I saw the red glow through my eyelids as in utero view.
Maybe after a bit more time I can let bunny out of cage now and then to pet him. That would be good for both of us. I thought I noticed his back leg badly out of alignment yesterday, when I felt him on both sides the back legs area felt different from side-to-side. Today it seems fine. Worrying about the bunny is making me a little nuts - imagining things. I try to imagine how it might be with another human being, not a rabbit - Chris with her father - it would be... hard.
+++++++++
Wed Jun 11.08
Took 2 AdvilPMs last night - mild headache and general yuchiness - slept really well after they took effect, only slightly foggy today, but worth it because the fatigue from general life tensions, heat and long days was getting to me. Maybe tonight walk to Pacific Heights - 2 miles there, then back along the waterfront to cable car? Hot - in a nice way - bright through the skylight in the morning, sun up like daytime on my 7:15 walk to BART.
Still a little - weary - either do a shorter walk tonight, or Tilden (!?), or a leisurely walk to Pacific Heights.
Scanned Shari's proofs - mail tomorrow.
After work drove to Pet store on San Pablo: salt lick, vitamin drops for water, water dish, litter box, litter, brush, alfalfa hay... sigh. Cleaned the cage. Josqin very excited to have alfalfa hay again - not sure he gets the water dish - he drank out of his noisy water bottle again... nooo...
Took 1 Advil PM - in bed early again... 20th is longest day of year... do... a Friday - make a 4-day weekend of it and go ... North...?
+++++++++
Tue Jun 10.08
Yuchh - slight headache and stomach upset - worn out at work, coworkers the same, long days wear us out - no GG tonight, got home and didn't want to move, as I expected, talk to Sooz on phone for a bit, caught up on pets and Karen Saturday Skype: Iain's new job, house possibilities, Xo's conversation skills.
Maybe coming down with something - throat a bit sore... try for some sleep tonight. Cleansing pills having an effect. Should I take a sleeping pill tonight, or more likely let nature decide.
Feeling better about no Oregon this year - less panicky reaction - bunny wants pets but seems fairly content to stay in cage. He's 8... bunnies live about 8 years. I need to be prepared... but also be prepared for him coming back, regaining his health and living another year or more.
Scanned Blue Girl page at work, and 4 Bind photos. 9pm now. Bed. Something's wrong, and it may be stress-related, and I want to be right for the LA trip. Life continues before and after LA. It'll be fun, I will do well, it's not that big a deal - as long as I prepare and have confidence in myself it'll be a balls out success.
Bind - beautiful photography, but more about pain, abasement, humiliation, dehumanization, control, sadism and masochism than I'd remembered - blinded by art, meth'll do that. But even then I was more curious than turned on to do it myself. Beautiful photographs, light, definition, I could give a fuck about the knots, and emotional/ philosophical side that I don't even begin to understand. A little hands tied above head sure, but hanging from ceiling? - how does one enjoy head in that position?? Or is the point to avoid giving and getting head. In that case, forget it!
+++++++++
Mon Jun 9.08pm bed
After work up Telegraph Hill, It's-It, to Pier 39 for big salty pretzel with mustard; noisy seals were a trip, males honking, fighting and playing while the girls slept and sneezed. Back up Powell to BART - long Summer day, my legs beginning to feel it at the end, even downhill, but it was easy and casual fun.
Biked to Reel to return Naked Killer and The Killer, got Hard Boiled, 2-disc set.
Checked at work re vacation days - 20 is all I get until I been there 20 years. Yikes! Well, that's 1 month per year, plus as much unpaid as I want. Grumble grumble.
LA training next week - all the exercise feels good - sometime soon walk out to those heights near the Palace of Fine Arts - and get out to the deYoung.
Tomorrow scan Shari's proof sheets for her - for me? Got a box of WF cleansing pills - took first dose tonight - time for a clean-out, something is not quite right, not as regular - and complete - as I want to be. The once-a-year cleanse seems to work.
+++++++++
Sun Jun 8.08 II Nomad 9:26am
Long summer day Russian River loop - thought I'd lost my camera, but it was in front butt-pack pouch, coke, banana, powdered donnettes from Bodega, stopped in SR on way up at 12:15 but no Eric which I expected. Stopped at Duncan beach , climbed fence and sat / meditated by big backsplash churn - later, standing attracted attention from a ranger truck on the beach far below - couldn't understand a word of it ("squawk sqawk sqwuaka-wauka wauka!"), but obviously trying to tell me to get off the dangerous cliffs - sure, fine, whatever - it was lovely though with big violent splashes that made me laugh and misty spray that landed on my face and hands connecting me to everything.
Yeah - little things getting to me a little - sick bunny, no family life - and the times; probably all times are bad in most places, but a lot of headlines lately about war, forgotten wars, forgotten eternal wars, $139 oil, poor and lower-middle classes really hurting - $4 gasoline, 1,000s laid off, Israel and Iran threatening each other, the U.S. threatening Iran - and this dreadful feeling of hoping we make it out of George Bush's cock-up of a presidency without any more disasters but feeling certain that at least one more is inevitable, because that's just the way he is: like Donnette; if he can't control it, he'll fuck it up.
Owch - where'd that come from?
Stopped in Guerneville for steak and eggs brunch (!), bank, 'antique' store, and flea market. Pulled a Princess Di memorial magazine out of the garbage.
Notes: TM (transcendental meditation), bunny care, B&W printer, sit at desk (difficult), ocean CD, Dillon Beach, relax at work: H2O breath, health.
I have an image of how I want to be but I won't do what I have to do to be that - start, try, reach, aim high anyway - can't fail if you don't try.
Came home to Taylor late Karen, Stacey called from upstairs - said turn on TV Princess Di killed in car accident - and we - I? - were surprised how upsetting it was; I'd have guessed that I didn't care.
Got laundry, biked to above college neighborhoods / back through hospital to WF for minestrone, salad, yogurt cups, curried chicken salad, oranges - the soup was too much, put it back in carton in fridge. Tempted to call in sicj tomorrow - but why bother, fuck it.
++++++++++
Sun Jun 8.08 I Nomad 9:26am
Yest/Sat: After morning at Nomad, Skype'd Cambridge, talked to Karen/Iain/Xo - esp about Josqin's condition: hair growing back after mites, hindquarters weak and maybe causing him discomfort/pain - K suggested salt-lick, and I'm thinking vitamins in water sand new freshly cleaned litter box to remove old/mouse smells (though I doubt that's really at issue) - I think it got to be too much trouble to get in and out of cage, once he realized that he couldn't jump in and out like he used to and often wound up falling on his ass, which maybe hurt, but was definitely frightening (from watching him struggle to get up, and sometimes struggle to get out from being wedged between cage and log ramp). He doesn't use litter box to pee (or poo), so winds up resting/sitting on urine-soaked newspapers as much I put on new dry layers. Fuck.
Outside is not an option - some kind of new indoor arrangement perhaps.
Ian's new job sounds better, closer, but a lot more work (responsible for teaching music to 100's - 1,200? - of kids! I don't know how one does it!), bikes stolen, looking into buying a house. We talked a long time - almost 2 hours, she having been sick for a month so not the usual amount of regular communications, then as usual my mind began to tire from all the different subjects, and I was out of talk. Not like when we are in the same town an can sit quietly or watch TV, give mind and talk a break, often a bit awkward saying goodbye, but that's that.
Then - rest of day basically in bed - long nap, lots of internet, no motivation, no desire to clean or straighten, or even be outside - am I depressed I wondered? I haven't had a real old-style depression for years - but maybe I need to redefine depression, I'm not going to experience it so emotionally and dramatically like I did through early 40's. And I have a sturdy circle of friends, so not isolated and down on myself like I was: Desperate circumstances meant being honest, and letting people in, and admitting that I loved people and was loved, so self-pity and excuses were no longer optional. I thought maybe I'm coming down with something. And work has been stressful this year with the Symphony fiasco. I can no longer just go, show up, do my work, and leave.
Or can I? Can't I just suck it up, do the best I can, and leave. Even when I'm not at my best, I still train, do slides, film-editing, face pages, complex PhotoShop jobs, photography, answer deepest Wizard questions, etc etc. I earn my pay, pull my own weight. Nothing like being given a poorly-defined task (LA training), feeling disrespected by folks who are too busy to respond to a lowly graphics person's questions, etc. But hey, based on all my past experience, it will go fine, I will do great, I will enjoy it, feel challenged, and grow from the experience - meeting lots of new people, being looked at and listened to by 20-year-olds, me in my 54-year-old body, looking more and more like jack Nicholson in the mornings - well, I'd best be getting sued to it. We all do.
So... tempted to stay in bad all day today as well, but a drive to Russian river, or somewhere - even a nice long Tilden walk, bunny cage clean, bunny supplies and laundry - could do that - could call in sick tomorrow. I'm going to miss the Oregon trip - I'm thinking I really should take a week off all the same - not to there - not to Oceanside, even though I miss it like an old friend- those rocks, those mornings - but get something similar closer to home - find a cabin near the beach and stay at it? But, there's no place like Oceanside and those cabins. And I'm not angry and restless enough to desire a romantic road trip. But somehow I want to feed my desire for enjoyment of the longest Summer days that I'm experiencing - to feel that I lived them to their and my full advantage.
Lots of Internet searching yesterday - every name and actress and movie and Japanese extreme eels in the ass sites - yuchh! Bodies, murder, beauty, art, politics - all on the Internet. The post-mortems of Hilary's campaign mostly seem to miss the mark- there was/is sexism, and she lost not because she blew it, but because someone else ran a better campaign - if not for Obama, and she'd run the same campaign, people wouldn't be pointing out her mortal mistakes, they'd be talking about the hurdles she overcame, and her amazing accomplishment. It was, is still an amazing accomplishment. I love her, and wish she'd won. She represents global equality and women's strength to me and lots of other people. And competence. And brains. And if she take the Vice-Presidential spot, people can just shut up - the United States is a slow-moving brute and catches up with the rest of the world slowly.
Slept restless and sweaty last night - sweaty during yesterday's naps - so, yeah, something is up - I felt slightly ill at work Friday, almost threw-up my lunch, felt dizzy after work doing stuff with Susanne - edge-of-sickness dizzy? Calling in sick Monday may be the right idea.
Ummm - so, yesterday - noon on, all day in bed. Weird. Today - a nice rbl drive is sounding pretty good - just, drive... get out in heat and Summer smells...
1989
++++++++++
Sat Jun 7.08 Nomad
Woke up tense, anxious, rolling around, but slept well, likely usual weekend start drowsiness and getting over work week - not to mention two wars, presidential campaign with my candidate - Hilary - losing, plus work evaluations coming up - which are pointless and need no reaction - ; watered and fed bunny. Read article about army using KL and other anti-feeling-bad meds for long-term deployments - like 'forever' deployments - that numb the problem without resolving, rather then using talk therapy or whatever to deal with problems outright.
So, yeah, that. Wind down - breathe awareness helps a bit. Tense times, oil and unemployment explode, wall street fall, everyone has an agenda so the truth which seems clear turns foggy, Israel threatening war on Iran - hey, and the U.S. army just happens to be right there to help! Dang.
But it's always something - losing George Bush will not solve things, but will allow some small hope that the situation might improve, rather than wallow stuck in current mud. Everyone - the whole fucking world! - waiting for this bad dream to end, a curse of bad leadership we brought on ourselves - that desire for the end of the Bush valley of ignorance and death, that alone is a sign that he'll go don as the worst ever.
But what do people remember? They didn't remember Vietnam and we older folks watched in appalled outrage as the media went along with the government and told the same lies and got us stuck in the same swamp. So, nothing changes? What do people remember - the day-to-day stresses and strains- nah, they barely remember who was president even.
Recorded myself asleep again - no loud, long snores, just a face-up snort that wakes me enough to turn onto side, and far less bunny rattling since he has a cup of water to slurp and squeak out of. But he hits his claws loudly on the side metal - just happens to hit them while shaking them off to clean his face, or is he...? Hitting his claws to...? Sharpen, shorten them? Unlikely?
Home now to call/Skype U.K. - I should probably get rid of long-distance landline, since I no longer use it, and rarely use phone at all - but need landline to get DSL. Would I save $ to get it out of the air, get rid of phone altogether, keep cell charged- can I? Is there a long-lasting cell battery?
Have Shari's nude/Sacramento negs packaged and ready to mail, didn't call derma, but looked at the page.
Last night met Susanne at Mechanics to add $1K to Xo's CD - $3K now - and to make it a joint account, which feels better, in case something happens to me - or either of us, Xo's $ will be accessible. After I said want to go for a beer, so we went to Lanesplitter's for Greek-style small pizza and one beer each. With the 1/4kl I'd taken at work the beer got me pretty woozy, and Sooz is a lightweight, so we said let's GG and watched a good dramatic 5th season episode, then to WF for fruit, bunny stuff, etc and home to bed early.
YouTube took down the 3 GBV clips I'd put up from Austin City Limits - just like that - zip! Gone! No punishment though - no, you did wring we take all your videos down and erase your memory from the internet - you no longer exist! Thank god, because that would be hell, or heaven, not sure which. No Internet sounds good in some ways, since I - and I'm not hardly alone - overuse it to numb my mind at work and in the evenings, TV for the new millennium.
Home - U.K. Skype - then maybe a drive to Russian River or Tilden - no plans - free time...cool.
Yeah, world can do without me for a few days. I called Oceanside yest to cancel my end-of-June reservation and felt sad, and anxious to hold onto it, I'll miss blissful mornings walking around land end to hidden marine sanctuaries, and the sunsets thigh-high in shallow surf - heaven - but, but - do I really want o go, expense aside, even if it was free, do I want to go? Well, I thought, No. Taking a year off, and going back next year is what I want. I think a visit to Morgantown is in the cards.
Do I want to be somewhere for those longest of long Summer days? Where?
Ass cheeks, metal dog, flower, table, curtains. Because a little danger makes me feel alive - when adrenaline rises a little. Now. Nature.
++++++++++
Wed Jun 4.08
After work walk towards Coit, across Vallejo to Lombard, North Beach for broccoli soup, spaghetti bologne and gin martini(!?!). Through Chinatown up California down Powell to BART. Blues band in Union Square, rappers free styling on the train, it was still sunny when I got to Ashby station. Love the long summer days. get out and enjoy them!
Monday after work got The Killer and Naked Killer from Reel- had a robot cottage party and enjoyed many scene in the Killer very much - did slomo of the most favorite scene for YouTube today.
Last night Gilmore Girls w/Sooz and Willie - discussed Josqin options - cage, new bigger cage, bed - look for a bunny whisperer on Craig'sList? Josqin's being going crazy on his metal-tube water bottle- noisy at night, voice-activated recordings made me more aware of it, as well as my irritation with the noise (!!) - so I offered him a bowl of water last night and he went for it bigtime, so I wedged a yogurt cup full of water into his litter box and he went for that - easier to get to - he seemed happy and then wanted pets. Okay, so some rabbit success anyway. His fur is growing back slowly - still short, and being caged keeps me from picking at his fur and maybe doing damage.
Read letter from Mom during North Beach diner. She seems fine. I continue to not be able to write and feel bad because it would make her happy. Felling bad accomplishes nothing. Write or don't, but feel good. Guilt is bullshit.
Mechanics Bank with Sooz Friday after work. 40.5 savings. And that's after rent, car repairs ($325 carburetor), sushi with Eric and other electronic and literary extravagances. I guess the $600 Bush check helped a little, and 3-paycheck May, and no Oregon saves me a bit of change. Not gonna make 50 anytime soon, but I can see it coming, all things remaining equal.
Next Spring - when I turn 55, maybe that's a fun time to do a 3-week road trip? Maybe this Summer or Fall is a good time to visit M&P.
Burned DVDs from memory stick and external hard drive - copies at work and home. Digitized GBV on Austin City Limits and put some up. Stuff. Still haven't tried to make the speakers work. Pretty sure I need an internal booster of some sort on this laptop. Damnit!
? ~1979 ? Tina and Tonya.
++++++++++
Sun Jun 1.08 II Bed
Lazed about - some desk cleanup, ran into DJ at Nomad and she worked side yard, Buff back from hippie gathering.
~3pm drove Volva with bike towards Orange, but it died on Sacramento at Dwight. Luckily I managed to roll safely through the intersection and stop right next to Homemade Cafe; called AAA and snagged a 1/2 cup of good hot coffee. Friendly tow driver got me to Orange. I was a bit nervous about some black teens hanging around, what with shootings/killings in that area and all. Typical nervous white person.
Biked up to downtown, Sikh festival ending in City Hall park; Prescriptions pick-up at Longs. Sounds like there's been a mix-up, 'cause pharmacist said prescription ends after this, and it was 10 doses, not 5. A misunderstanding to clear up with Fitzer - via email?
Indian dinner on Shattuck with yummy mango lassi; Comic Relief for Thor, early Heartbreak Soup, etc - fun stuff. Up through campus in easy gear, down Telegraph, Benvenue - wearing helmet the whole way, which is not really a bother - home to do a bit more organizing of surfaces, computers, lists - all in ore for return to work tomorrow morning. It's been a pretty long good nine days.
One of the tasks for this week is to call Oceanside cabins and cancel cottage later this month. I'm sure I don't want to go this year, and that there are alternatives (south coast, east coast) I'd rather do with vacation days, but I also feel sad, and like I'm going to miss something. Weird; but just gonna ride it out.
Cottage looks a little better inside and out - I know where things are above and below the bed, and in bookshelves and desktop, car is at Orange, bunny is caged - I told him another week then we'll see about a night on the bed - annnd... try try try to eat les carbs and snacks at work, walk after work, drink water not diet cokes etc etc etc.
Collect Karen/Iain/Xo vid for DVD. Also get webcam working again - video for Xo and bunny cam.
Shelley responded about moving her stuff out of old kennels this month and will look for photo albums. Ten years. Enough time.
Mail Shari her nude negs tomorrow. Look up Dermatologists from list. Call Fitzer about prescription. Fix rickety bike side-basket - fell open crossing Ashby at Telegraph and dumped stuff on the street. Dang. Seems like the more I'm away from work, the more I use my stuff, and the quicker my stuff wears out - car, bike - it's so ironic! But probably not true. Pure confidence, and lucky car breakdown happened when and where it did, not too much inconvenience.
Took 1/4kl. Gonna record sleep again tonight.
++++++++++
Sun Jun 1.08 I Nomad
Recorded night with voice activated recorder; worked perfectly - a lot of bunny click-clack water drinking, most all of which I slept through; from me: a few short, low moans leading into soft snoring for about 2 minutes? Not too bad - very odd waking up and immediately turning on recorder to listen to me - cinematic, almost a scary moment, what happens when I'm out? As I was falling asleep last night the dynamic was scary - unpleasantly frightened, like a movie where you are recording to discover when the monsters come, and you are unable to protect yourself or your loved ones; what if I recorded something terrifying, though I couldn't imagine what, but in trying to imagine I scared myself - had to shake myself out of it, but falling asleep was fitful - that's it, it was a feeling that I might actually record my dreams, myself - asleep you are so vulnerable, and the recorder - unlike a bad dream or a monster - was not going to wake me up and stop whatever was happening. But I figured to do it and I'd get used to it - leave myself vulnerable - my little snores - Andy Warhol's Sleep came to mind - I felt an odd affection for myself hearing them.
Slept in as much as possible, but not much. No plans today, except pick up prescriptions and finish file organization. Returning to work feels neutral - except not looking forward to 6hr training days in LA, or Symphony fiasco. But I guess I don't mind, not hating on it, and looking forward to returning to YouTube creative projects, and even creative work projects.
Rested my mind, got some projects done, had some buying fun and relaxing time, but also got out to bike, hike and play without trying too hard, has a few old-fashioned chocolate-glazed doughnuts but not too indulgent re food, sort of kept my wits about me in the blog - not a lot of navel-gazing daddy stuff. Not bad. Didn't get around to calling Karen/Iain/Xo- hmp.
Put WWI page back up, rescan better quality.
++++++++++
Sat May 31.08 II
Radio Shack for $60 voice-activated recorder - man they try to sell you so many extras, it's annoying; I feel like Jimmy Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life: "Stop it, will you? Just stop it! Stop it!" Anyway, an indulgent toy I wanted. Fun! I will be able to hear when - not if - I snore, how much, and if talk in my sleep! Oooh! I could even use it for other ideas... I dunno, I'm kind of excited about it toy-wise.
NoBerk for yard sales - cool tacky Doors hanging from yard sale free bag. Car wouldn't start at Lincoln & Grant; borrowed phone, AAA truck came and jumped me - but I was pretty sure it wasn't the battery, 'cause it was just too sudden. Work, work, work, don't work. Nah! Got home and sure enough it wouldn't restart - battery guy came out and says it's the alternator - which discharges battery when car is running. First I've heard of it. Drive it down tomorrow and bike back.
Started on file box organizing: car, travel, correspondence, application/manuals, Internet folders. Cool. Good to have it organized. Some of this stuff will have to go into boxes.
Napped with voice activated recorder on: Bunny drinking nose (clank clank clank - pause - clank clank clank - pause... forever), an airplane - no snores 'cause I was on my side. Deep sleep. Often awake from the naps a little blue/funky. But can snap out of it.
Biked downtown for prescription but counter was closed; Comic Relief and Chinese curry chicken dinner. returned live Iggy to Reel.
Josqin's foot bothering him a lot - I see him picking it up over and over, a moment ago I think I heard him groan in discomfort. Damn. What to do? It doesn't seem to be getting ay better. Craig's list. He is still very excited about food and pets, but that damn fucking leg. Sigh.
10pm - alternator broke, not driving anywhere tomorrow, except to drop car off at Orange - just, hang out, or bike across town for meds/exercise? Finish file organizing, and a bit more general surface tidying. Yes.
~1985?
++++++++++
Sat May 31.08 I
Yest - home hang, 1/4kl/rb Tilden hike - started up the usual hillside around Crystal lake, decided to change it up, reverse loop up tiny/unmarked trail, straight up to top, stopped to meditate - that was great - a little alone time.
I'm finally alone just like I've always wanted to be
Found me a home so how come I'm not feeling free
From parents to alleys to women and now to this shack
It's not much to look at but damned if I'll ever go back
Tried to cut through deer trails on treacherously steep hillside, and poison oak underbrush, to get to trails on redwood hill below, took a good fall when my feet dropped out beneath me on a slick hill beneath a tree -scraped elbow, felt the hard thump on my back, but it was leafy and cushioned. I was sort of off trail, and getting to be 4'ish and chilly. If I'd hurt myself, broken a leg or something it could have been a problem, 'cause park was pretty empty, weekday. Hmp. Something to think about.
I was thinking I wanted to be in nature alone, thought who I would not want to run onto, an image of Chae in hiking shorts coming around the corner filled me with good feelings - nostalgia for our hikes - I was surprised, expecting to feel discomfort, instead feeling nostalgic and lonely.
Walked through lots of poison oak; wanted to get home and out of clothes/into hot shower; but first: Wash hands/arms at Tilden info center, walk-through EBay history exhibit - grabbed maps, top of Solano burrito/cookie, NoBerk BoA, Black Oak Books, Peet's for mocha - then finally home for long, hot shower - yum! Rb/bike to WF for bunny food, yogurts etc.
Weighed myself yest - 220!?! That was after a long day of eating - brunch at Homemade Cafe, Italian pest eggs/side of bacon - mmmm!!! Still - frustrated and upset about my weight. A bit. Sometimes often I'm cool with it, because acceptance is better than self-loathing etc etc. It's a little scary to see the weight go up and up and I seem to have no control over it - like it's happening to me, like aging, like pregnancy/ childbirth - like, a disease - I want some control is all, I want to be able to stop it.
How do I stop it?
Get a grip, talk to someone - talk to my doctor - ask to talk to someone.
Woke ~6:30 after good sleep - some wild raccoon/cat rumpus on roof in middle of night, I'm used to it - woke startled to a loud snort! Today go by RadioShack and buy a voice activated recorder - I want to know if I snore all night or talk in my sleep.
Lots of bunny petting - he misses it and sits still for it - but his leg still bothering him a lot, and his growing back fur stiff, and lots of hard clumpy areas. Get someone to shampoo him? Bunny shampoos? Craig's List?
Look for yard sales today - it's overcast and cold - perfect - chill - relax - easier when balmy weather isn't calling me to run out looking for excitement... pulled all the folders out of file box - probably really easy once started -
Okay... ~1985
++++++++++
