Fri Aug 1.08
Went to work yesterday, distracted and a bit sick (from suppressed emotions?), and really cranky until I left - needing to be away from people - irritated by real or perceived intrusion. Getting really cranky. Soon as I left felt better, and better still at home after yogurt and OJ. Even though it was uncomfortable, it was good to go in and get everything in order, enabled me to call in sick today without having to worry about next week.
Sooz/K&Xo picked me up ~6:30 - met Iain at Sooz's for pizza and 5th season GG - Logan's dad and such. Played with Xo - fresh from train ride - walked in the garden and Lisa gave us green beans. Xo is very good about, in the car, saying she's going to throw up and waiting for a cup, holding it neatly. A super neat person.
After, loaned KIX comforter B&DJ gave me, and gave leftover pizza to B/DJ.
Nomad now - mocha, muffin and paper. Feels like Saturday. After, bury Josqin. Ask front house for a little privacy for that. Includes banana, apple, piece of his cardboard box house, cracker, a splash of water, Karen's pink blanket. Some of his favorite things.
I'm remembering the times we sat face-to-face, trying to figure each other out, figuring out a language, of thumps, and body language, trial-and-error, "Do you like this?" If he threw it on the floor, he didn't want it. His body language of contentedness or tension were pretty obvious. Living in a small place like the cottage, in the same bed, we got to know each other and give each other space, or tried to. A lot of little things, one could never be 100% sure the understanding was correct, so you had to do the best you could, step back and let the big picture, bigger than the conscious mind - intuition and more - do its thing. I couldn't control it - the relationship, just do the best I could and watch for signs of it being good or bad. Overall he seemed pretty happy, and I was to, in spite of losing half the bed, because the trade-of was the friendship and companionship.
Learned a lot, about territory, about thinking I know what's best, about communication and affection.
So...a busy week or so:
Thu: Prep for KIX and airport pickup
Fri: Palo Alto camera shop w/K
Sat: Mann family gathering/picnic
Sun: Mann memorial service with memorable Xo and Katie walk along the water: dogs, boats, parks
Mon & Tues: Fly to LA to train, meet Laine at Fox studios, earthquake, home to find Josqin dead
Wed: Called in sick Tues pm - sit at home a lot in mild shock
Thu: Work, GG at Sooz's, call in sick Fri
Fri: Today, bury the bunny and chores (renew prescriptions, videos to Reel, start getting back to normal)
Of things I like in my life, esp around my home, I like the skylight and coming home to a warm mammal - this morning I felt like losing Josqin was a like the skylight being boarded up. A little less light in my life.
I'm a bit embarrassed by this emotional, melodramatic stuff, but, 1.) it's normal and okay and 2.) It's the first time I've lost a close pet, so this is all new to me. Eric says he remembers every one of his rabbits. It is not easy. A big change. A big pleasure gone.
Another picnic tomorrow, and a brief get together at Josqin's grave, bunny memorial service. He had a lot of personality. Get some nice flowers today for the grave. He's still in the fridge. I need to do this, get over it, so I can move on. Three days is about right maybe? Three days wait before the burial. A Buddhist funeral. Remember his life. Burn some incense.
Anything else? It's not about Josqin. He had a good life. He is gone now. It's about the pain in the people left here without him. Not about any one of us. Let it be.
Woke up congested - thick globs of mucus - grawkk-k!! Tuh! Bleagh.
No - no plans - today is Josqin day still - do my things, but no point trying to move on or escape - it will happen on its own.
What are those 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
I must have - in spite of my hopes - been pretty prepared for this - esp when it turned out he'd lost 1/2 a pound in 3 weeks - no mistaking what that was about. Soon as I saw him laying there, there was no doubt - some anger the first day, at myself, and defensive guilt - Bargaining? I dunno, was that when I thought about getting another rabbit - was that denial? Depression, yeah, sure - or sadness - not the same. Acceptance will truly come when I put him in the ground. A moment I am putting off for the moment - but - at noon maybe? That would be nice.
++++++++++
Wed Jul 30.08
Whew - probably over worst of it, initial shock - living in such a small place Josqin and bunny accoutrements took up a lot of space: Cage, bags of bedding and food, straw, hay, carrots and greens in fridge, banana/popcorn/crackers in cupboard. Dolls, towels, medicine, 2 large carriers, litter boxes and big bags of litter.
Dug grave in main backyard succulent plot, watered in for an hour or so, ~2ft deep. Will include carrots, banana & apple slices, shredded remains of Karen's pink towel, chunk of his cardboard house. He loved his box. It was pretty sad imagining putting him in the earth.
Practice for humans.
They said, after 5 years you can have a pet, after 10 a relationship. It's been 10, and I've been craving human companionship. This may be an opening and opportunity.
I mean, I love my rabbit but - oh you kid!
Throat sore - psychosomatic?
Mostly stayed in the cottage - chatted with Buff re location, his car break-in. Moved bunny stuff into "kitchen" area. Vacuumed cottage, made bed, flipped futons - all fresh and clean.
Noisy raccoons rummaging outside.
Considered going downtown to eat, or to Tilden - but, with what car? Joke was on me. Biked to WF, feeling weak and spiritless, for chicken noodle soup, OJ, yogurt. Headed to produce section, but with nothing to buy now. The adjustments will happen organically. Nothing I need to do I don't think.
Okay - get over it. I mean, don't draw more attention to myself than necessary. I need to take care of myself internally. Almost buried him tonight, but want to offer Karen/Sooz opportunity to add something to burial gifts. The more I think on it, the happier I am K&I are here. It's very good that they were here when it happened, so they can be involved and experience their mourning/healing more directly. And, as Karen said, it's good that he died naturally, and we didn't have to go through having him put down.
Trying to think of all the positives, to keep from crying about how much I will miss him, and how I don't want him to be dead. Go on and cry - get it all out. It's sad, and I'll miss him, he was great, and a friend, and I loved him.
How will I get to Sooz's tomorrow? Straight there from work? Karen drive me home?
Gonna do a Advil PM tonight - wanna be prepared for work.
++++++++++
Wed Jul 30.08
Well, feeling not so good about Josqin - shaky - tears waiting to be shed - the Toren mourning methods - stormy...
...so many things, I keep thinking of all the stuff I need to do for his upkeep - water, turn on fan, get supplies, feed - suddenly realize there's no need anymore. Shock and numbness - like, what's next? What else do I not need to do.
My first pet I was exclusively to care for, and first death. I am unused to it. 54, and my first death. Hmp. Humans next.
Realizing there really will never be another Josqin Lapin. That makes me very sad. He was so great.
Cage smelled funky last night, so I put it outside.
It might just as well have happened while I slept or worked. Feel guilty, like I let him - and Karen - down - should have taken him to vet sooner. Should have been here, near. Emotional, irrational. Give it time.
Woke up thinking maybe I should go to work rather than sit home and wallow, but decided it was better not to have to deal with a lot of people while distracted and sad. Mourning in public uncomfortable for everyone.
Plus I'm tired from long Mann family event weekend, LA training and Laine visit (and earthquake!) - stayed in bed till ~11am after spotty sleep, tormented by the single mosquito who ruins all our rest. It's always - always - just one mosquito.
Laundry done across the street - go fold when done here at Nomad. Ate, blog'd and bulletined on my MySpace page, emailed everyone on Yahoo who knew him, Buzznet - Shelley put up a really nice memorial photo of her her bunny mourning for Josqin.
Clean out the cottage - don't wallow - bury him soon - keeping him in the fridge is weird - clean the cage, vacuum the corner, chose the burial place I feel best about - in front of the window comes to mind. Accept others' ways of mourning, but politely define my territory. Bunnies are territorial. Unwanted advice can be politely declined.
Fold laundry. Clean cottage. Craig list the bunny supplies?
Should I get another bunny?
No plans today. Tilden solitude might be right. Decided against kl - today is not a day to kill feelings. Eat. I'm a little shaky. Eat and move slowly and deliberately as necessary. Get out for fresh air and sun. I thought Josqin's death would make me feel a loss of connection with K&I, but I'm not feeling that. Just my personal loss. I am feeling Karen has first claim to decisions, as his mother. Glad Sooz got to see him Saturday, and that K&I are in town to be here for it. That is a comfort I think for us all. We can talk tomorrow, Thursday, at Gilmore Girls night.
Okay.
Josqin Lapin, 2000-2008.
++++++++++
Tues Jul 29.08 PM
Got home an hour ago, found Josqin dead. Been expecting this for so long, but still a surprise - I thought he'd get better. Laying next to his food and water bowls... legs straight out - like, maybe he fell, couldn't get up, struggled and his heart gave out. Kind of wish I'd been here, but what could I have done? Last time I saw him Monday morning, held him for a long time wrapped in the white towel, petting his head, pulling off dead hair clumps, rubbed the medicine into his hocks... a big juicy carrot and lots of fresh water, crunchies, Timothy hay and alfalfa straw... he had plenty to eat and drink... I think it was just his time.
When I first found him, and checked to see how stiff or cold he was, I imagined I felt his spirit was still nearby, as if his eye could still see me - I got close, touched my head to him like we always did, told him I loved him - said good-bye.
There was a bunny-shaped flattened space under his body, and maybe his legs... yeah, maybe fell down, struggled to get up. Gave up his ghost.
Called Karen/Iain - talked to Iain, maybe he'll tell Karen and we'll talk later tonight about if they want to be there when I bury him - in the backyard here I assume? Maybe in my succulent garden... I dunno... maybe that's too central... too sad for that area. Side of cottage? Tilden?
Trip to LA all went smoothly. Mon: easy cabs, flight, work station; six trainees were at end of long day... glazed, not really wanting to be there 5-7pm.
Hotel was good; last part of Cool Hand Luke, and first part of The Simpsons' Movie on TV. Rolled and luxuriated on big flat bed, under fluffy blanket, wallowed in it, being away from work and all the events - awake a lot but enjoying the moment alone, in and out of dreams involving many things - recent events, whatever - slept in...
Tues: Had arranged for Laine to call - haven't seen her for years - her job at Fox was around the corner from the hotel... walked over, found her easy, breakfast, talk, showed me sets of the show she's working on - cool!
Back to work, sushi lunch, 5.6 earthquake scared everybody, building swaying, train 1-2:15, hang, cab to LAX, home... and... this time when I checked behind the towel placed over the cage, saw Josqin Lapin's brown furry body on its side, not the ass of a rabbit who's head was hidden in the corner.
He lived on the bed for ~3-4 years... every night petting and then sleeping at my feet, but for how long? The last few months - since late April, in the cage, twice to the vet, extra comfy cage lining, lots of big juicy carrots, banana & apple slices, crackers, water - affection, attention, pets, talk and sing-songs.
He had a good long run... and the last months were not bad... in fact he seemed happy a lot... needing attention though - I'm glad I gave him a lot, and had a lot of his time and affection in return...since, May? The decline came fast... cancer, I'll bet... May-June-July - a few months, his hair fell out and didn't grow back. Yep. Eight years old.
We had a good long good-bye Monday morning. That's good for something. We all have to go sometime.
I'll miss him. Glad Sooz got to see him - maybe better that Karen didn't? Remember him as the big fat ball of muscular fur he was for so long, running and jumping, leaping and dashing - a ball of furious energy. Funny and smart, territorial... sigh. Fuck.
He probably didn't know he was dying. He fell over, like he's been doing for months, tried to get up, felt hot or cold, and just - snap! His weakened heart just gave. Eternal nap time. Safe in his cage - his home - near food and water.
Okay. He's wrapped in his favorite towel, in a plastic bag, in the fridge. Wherever I bury him, he'll be in my heart - so it hardly matters - but where?
Called in sick to work - probably better not to go in tomorrow - at some point it's going to hit me, and work is not the place for that.
Eventful... Mann picnic, memorial service, LA, earthquake, Josqin.
Josqin Lapin... can't believe he's gone.
++++++++++
Sun Jul 27.08
Haven't made any plans for LA tomorrow, except to meet Laine for dinner or breakfast, but I don't have a cell phone - or enough cash for the taxi? Sigh. Gonna die.
Iain/Robbie's granddad's memorial service today in Sausalito. Spent a lot of time watching after Xo and Katie, took them for a walk by the water, through parks, petting dogs, playing with ladybug, etc while adults talked about him. Appropriate role for me, and it was fun, and the event... I felt okay being there, appropriate expectations and lack thereof, took some pictures. The girls are wild and loud but lots of fun and smart - fun to be with, fun to watch them enjoy petting puppies, playing with sprinkler water, throwing rocks into the ocean.
A good opportunity to get a grip on the family, who's who and why and how, it all fits together in my head better now.
Borrowed Buff's car for the drive to Solano and home - that was a good idea!.
Saul's breakfast w/Iain/K/Xo - fun casual chatty drive to Sausalito. Very nice having them in town.
Food was good. Ride home with Robbie/Liz/Kate - fun, we don't usually have the kind of time for casual talk, and also not so casual, it being a sort of weighty time/day/weekend. Beginning of a new time for the family.
Don't procrastinate about getting the photos to people - otherwise hard to get back to. Pick out the best to: Robbie, Francie, Mica... Flickr? Yahoo?
Bunny didn't respond when I got home. Having a lot of trouble staying upright when he finally got excited about the carrot. Flopping on his side. Frustrating to see. And sad.
I get to sleep in a little tomorrow morning - cabs everywhere - sushi - I need to get $$ from WF - bike up in morning to Elmwood before Bart/taxi to airport? All I'm bringing is a memory stick with training pages. I hope it's as easy as I think it will be. Nice hotel bath, TV etc. One end-of-day training (be sure to eat just before!!), and 1 post-lunch. Cool. Maybe take a day or so off during the week to see KIX. Drive Iain to airport. get some dates written down. Dropped off yardsale tripod for Karen this morning before Saul's.
Heavy day for everyone. Seismic shift. Something about the way everything went well over the weekend seemed like a tribute to the man - he inspired people, brought out the best in them.
++++++++++
Sat Jul 26.08
Thu: Home from work ~1pm, car wash, WF for snacks (raspberries, cheese bunnies, water), easy to airport, plane delayed ~1hr. Forgot to eat - as K pointed out, my life is so regular, it's easy to forget to keep food handy when the schedule disrupted, so low blood sugar (the 2 .25 kls probably added to light-headedness).
Anyway - REMEMBER TO EAT! PROTEIN snacks!
Drove through bad traffic an xo puke to Robbie/Liz's. car seat worked fine, plenty of room in trunk. Hung out with kids, walked up to Mexican place w/K for 10pm dinner. Soon as I ate i felt refreshed alert energized. So obvious. I know it. Just need to keep food handy.
MySpace contact w/Laine: we can meet in LA, but I don't have a cell phone - just have to work it out. Monday night dinner, or Tuesday morning work visit?
Fri: Slept well. K calls 9am, shower, stop at WF for berries, sushi, sandwiches, water (fro trip to Palo Alto looking for lenses for K's camera). Play with kids, chat w/Iain/Robbies' Dad, Brian. we watch Xoxo's Swing on YouTube and talk jazz. Francie invites me to memorial service tomorrow - unexpected, and flattering, if that's the word. I said I would be honored to attend. It was very nice of her.
A slip up getting to the camera place cost us ~10mins but we enjoyed a quick tour of boarded-up, picturesque East Palo Alto and got out of there alive in a hale of bullets. The town was cool, mix of old and new, a bit 'artsy' (no hardware or sock stores pointed out the camera counter guy).
Oops - no driver's license or working card. I got lens. We discussed my lucky money donation and money in general, making sure we are comfortable about the very slight mixing of resources at the border. I'm fine near as I can tell. We sort of concluded that it would be good to have any 'gifts' tagged to specifics, the this trip's lucky money, as well as simply helping in the same way they helped by feeding and housing me on my visits, would go specifically to Xo's plane ticket. So it is a gift to Xo. That works. When touched by Xo a thing is innocent. I give the lucky money envelopes to Xo and ask her to give them to Mommy and Daddy, to avoid awkwardness myself. That perhaps risks playing some trip on her, using her? Maybe it should be kept between us adults. Leave Xo out of the physical transaction. Don't play games unless she initiates them; probably a good plan.
After camera store (where I looked into video cameras, digital and Super-8), sat on sidewalk and ate turkey sandwiches.
Traffic home was wretched, but gave us a chance to catch up, photography, art galleries, work, Joost, house, Symphony, snapshots vs. photographs, Flickr vs. Buzznet, galleries vs. giving it away, mass-produced / online, etc.
Drop K with Volva at NBerk BART, train home easy - weird though, getting home - feeling a bit worn, home to crash into a deep sleep nap. watch chunks of The Birds in slo-mo and frame-by-frame.
Nomad PM for muffin/smoothie, work Sarah Walker window nudes for YouTube slideshow. Talked with owner Chris about smelly homeless person making the place less appealing - to hang or eat. It is not a social work project, it's a problem they're not sure how to solve; they have warned him, but what can they do? Don't want to be cruel.
This is an odd visit, since it's about a memorial service and family, not a fun social thing, so I am largely outside the main purpose, except to help and support. There's a heavy, even gloomy, vibe.
The visits remind me how sad I am about them leaving, the hole in my day-to-day life, and also how lucky I am for their friendship in any case. I know it. The pain always comes as a surprise, but that's the price of love / family / friendship. :-(
Okay - slept well last night. Up ~9, took care of Josqin, called Soox, planned trip to market, after Nomad and shower. I'm gong to get extra stuff, as I think the family is obviously distracted by events. It's appropriate then for friends to help out with planning and such, to leave the family to the personal and private business of their grieving.
I don't have nice clothes I realized, for tomorrow's memorial service. May be able to borrow from Buff & Robbie/Iain. But maybe I can find something at Ross or a used store? After the picnic? Maybe Sooz can leave me at some place?
~1985
++++++++++
Wed Jul 23.08
After laundry, Josqin to vet - blood test (they took him out of he room - results tomorrow or Fri), Robbie/Liz's drop off car seat, they feed me soup, we talk about prep for visit and weekend family reunion plans. Car wash on University closing as I got there. Damn!
Worked ~50 photos for a overlap photo video tomorrow. Was gonna mix with burn zone shots, but not this time. I'm working up to it, or I'll settle for this - for now anyway, because burned walls are fluff to lend nudes more credibility. I do dig my nudes, and I dig seeing the proof sheet frames go by - I see my creative process, thought process, remember actual slight camera shifts, what I was looking at - cool - reassures me that my focus was not exclusively on the tits and asses, but I was actually striving to create great photographs.
List for tomorrow. Toy for Xo, wash car at place near UC, goldfish or other snacks, bring phone and charger and lucky money envelopes.
Good night.
~1978. Rebecca.
++++++++++
Wed Jul 23.08
Slept in, showered and took .25kl, worked 10-2 - very civilized. One job, mostly web-surfed.
Home: Took .5 kl got right on bunny cage clean and clearing out Vulvo. Didn't take long at all - and Josqin seemed to dig being on the bed for a while, alternating with acting nervous, like "What the fuck is gong on?" Car cleared out, bunny cage fresh and clean. Now at Nomad while laundry launders across the street. Realized I'd have time for lots in the three hours before 6:30 vet appt. After laundry, maybe get bunny crunchies and find car wash place. After vet bring Robbie/Liz's car seat back? No room for it with car stuff in cottage. Good opportunity to get rid of some of that crap.
Tonight: Clean/organize cottage a bit, so it's somewhat pleasant when they visit Josqin - and the bed is clean for Xo etc. After work hot WF&BoA for dollars. It's just an exchange for the pounds they gave me in U.K., plus all the food they fed me, which saved me tons of $$.
Alternating between okay and forward-thinking, worrying about tomorrow - all I have to do ,what I have to do I can do easily - drive to the airport and home. Clean out car and bunny cage already done - laundry with time to spare - tomorrow, between noon and 4:30 arrival I'll have time to gas and air tire, get Xo a present for the ride to rob&Liz's. Maybe snacks for K&I?
Generally okay - not freaking more than I ought - and happy and excited, that missing piece, their arrival makes me more aware of how much I miss them.
Tonight - split up the overlap photos and put them on top of Bowie's Low song for one last nude proof sheets video upload before the long weekend?
Hmmm - the laptop is not making spastic fan noise. Fingers crossed.
MySpace msg from Jennifer Beecroft's college roomie Tracey - haven't responded much yet - a sort of embarrassing part of my life, post-college, aimless, broke, unemployed, drinking too much lost-ness, but wanting to be cool, after blowing a bunch of band-relationships with drunken misbehavior. But, yeah, whatever - sure, I'll respond after initial hesitation. why not> There were some fun times. Drinking Kaluha in the cemetery, high in their dorm room, Laurie Anderson's Oh, Superman, and Bowie's Ashes to Ashes. Tried to get her to do nudes, but didn't, but she shot me how I wanted to shoot her. One night 3 of us in high organic hug that felt like it might be going somewhere, though it wasn't - but... odd vibes, because J&I were having a thing, and it skewed the balance. Long time ago... Met them at Craft Center ~1981, knew her when I was living in car, dropped off proof sheets/negatives to Jennifer when Shelley and I were new - so, 1984.
Saw here near the bottom at a Doug art opening in SF ~1995... she said I looked bad, or - that the way I looked worried her. I was miserable and using drugs and alcohol to no positive effect. So... at least 12 years... and 10 before that.
Hald day tomorrow - no work fri-sun, LA Mon-Tues...so, really, almost a week without work at my usual place. Cool. I really am enjoying these three short days. A very pleasant break.
Last night @GG Sooz & I about movies: Is that all this culture has to offer?, and so bland and restricted narrowly to the dominant paradigm that there has to be a whole other sub-category of 'subversive' (non-Christian, socialist, thoughtful) films, and then there's the European films, which are also not so Chritian-/squeamish about sex, and are likely more honest portrayals of sex relationships, family and friends. U.S. movies suck except as explosive monkey entertainment - it's well-known. So why is it so pervasive? Because THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO! (Esp if you're not into TV and video games), because museums close at 5, and plays are expensive and most streets roll up at 9.
If someone says they don't watch movies, it's like "What do you DO?!?". Ask people what they did over the weekend - took in a movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie is the answer to everything. But I hate their boring narrow child-like Christian message. So fuck them.
Time to get the laundry. 2 hours till vet.
~1991
++++++++++
Tues July 22.08
s'alright, I'm 54, I'm sposed to feel kinds lazy and have a gut.
GG w/Sooz - getting together w/Logan and his Daddy.
Took laptop to work and they showed me trick that seems to have fixed the fan (battery out, unplugged, hold power button down for 20-30 secs); worked on 2nd home laptop, too. Had them put aside another T40 for $100 anyway, I can put this hard drive into that and use this as backup? How many backups do I need anyway? And get the Norton backup working, I can back it up, but not reinstall it it seems. Hmp.
Karen/Iain/Xo in 2 night. Tomorrow: sleep in, work 10-2, clean cottage/cage/car vet at 6pm. Thurs: work morning, airport pm. Fri off. Picnic Saturday.
LA out of the blue asked me to fly down Monday, train in the late afternoon, and again Tuesday early afternoon, then home ~7. It's a hoot, but not exactly a compliment, since it's their incompetence that's costing them $600 to fly me down (ticket, hotel, food, cabs), but hey, have fun, see if Laine can get free Monday night!
Weather is very great - slightly Autumn-cool, but not chilly - perfect summer days in an overcast foggy way. I dig it. Puts me in a good mood, along with visiting loved ones and half work days, and flying to LA for training.
Leave us not forget, it was ~10 years ago I physically pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming as my plane took off for Boston for the first Wizard training. Because I knew I wanted to train. because I said 'yes', and jumped on opportunities. I was thinking today, it was easier to feel good when I felt like I was improving every day, going up, crawling out of the hole. I am still getting better in certain ways every day. It's not downhill, and it's not stagnant.
Yes.
Digitized the 1994 Davis Musician's Coop benefit tape and put up a few songs: 99 Tales, and dig Beatrice 9's song. Fun stuff. Davis90smusic.
~1990?
++++++++++
Sun Jul 20.08 II
Whatever - hung at home - Buff fixed the toilet (DJ accidentally turned off cottage water), email from Lisa Camhi re 99 Tales, adjust car seat and strapped into back seat. Downtown for sushi feast with miso soup - yum! - and large hot saki which I didn't even feel, and Ben and Jerry ice cream after - with just bought Courtney Love journal book - only $8, but I was slightly embarrassed bringing it to counter.
Home, comforter from Buff&DJ, Reel for Curse of the Wererabbit (which Stacey has been recommending for years) and The Birds - always good for a gander!
This laptop is making weird whirring noises since last night - on-and-off - hoping it doesn't explode and blow my nuts off. Dude, that would suck.
Have a bunch of overlapping shots for a new video.
Cut up the Davis music benefit and put up slices - I think 99 Tales is on there. What the hell.
After much sushi I saw clearly that the activities I'm doing for visiting friends are simply what is required, no biggy. Enjoy their visit. Don't do more that I feel comfortable with ($, etc). Chill.
The whirring is getting higher. This laptop is not long for the world.
The nudes here having gotten larger.
++++++++++
Sun Jul 20.08 I
Well, yesterday could have been more enjoyable - as often the case, Saturday is unwind from work week day - but two Friday late-afternoon espressos (don't do that again! what was I thinking?) left me in sleep-lack state... bleagh... a little less than usual able to deal with the world serenely.
Hung at home late morning, ~1 to Target for baby seat - $130, looks like the one Robbie leant. Robbie's a bit musty from garage storage, and Karen is into ultra-clean. No prob. Whatever's best for Xo and everyone's peace of mind. Took it home, then to Sean O'Brien's CD release- that was pretty casual. Gil there; I gave him 4G memory stick I'd impulse bought in SR w/Eric after sushi sake feast. Back up you fools, everybody BACK UP NOW THE LORD COMMANDS IT! DON'T WAIT TILL TOO LATE LIKE THIS POOR SOUL (brings out sobbing geek who's lost all his porn and music files). Step right up! Step right up!
Anyway, opening act played David Lynch-y Tex-Mex Whammy - at end of Sean's set he mentioned their name - 99 Tales - which I recognized from davis80smusic - happened Gil & I were sitting next to girl singer so I introduced myself and Gil, she figured out that Gil was Game Theory Ray, and her husband Vince had been in the PopeAlopes, which lead to a big-ass discussion of all things Davis 80s - Barney's, Dave Gills recording studio, Lisa Camhi, Olive Pit etc etc... they knew the whole story and had read the davis80smusic site, Jerry's Shake Some action etc. So that was cool. Plus direct connection to Peter Lostroh, so maybe eventually get some history and paraphernalia from him.
Sean's band played well - he has a great voice - the songs stay within pop boundaries, but he's mastered that bandwidth. His was the first band I shot in Davis - a practice run - 3 shots very carefully planned, back when film was expensive and I was a stone broke college student - any extra capital went to beer and cigarettes let's face it. So broke, we had to grow our own weed in the backyard - that's how broke we were, you kids today have no idea how easy you have it, buying your weed from mom and dad's friends by crickey.
Woke thinking about what I thought I had to do, taking on responsibilities that are not mine, preparing to be available every moment of every day; a bad thing I do around certain people (Karen!.. and others), and that I seem to have little control over. Unless I want to continually med myself up, which I don't really.
My self-imposed responsibility is to help KIX however I can to make their trip good.
1.) Loan the Volvo,
2.) Give some dollars
3.) Get car seat,
4.) Clean out trunk and generally prepare car
5.) Pick them up from airport
6.) Clean bunny care for more pleasant and healthy visit.
And really, that's it. Easy. In fact, I don't need to do any of it today - Wednesday evening is free, and Friday for some of it. So, I can relax and let it go. leave myself alone. Make a list, if it helps, and take a casual drive around Russian River loop to clear my mind and enjoy the hills, trees and coast.
This morning - after clearing mind - getting 'here and now', not 'Robert the center of the universe UK visitor support system guy' - bleagh - as I was dressing, pulling up my underwear, I thought, This is the greatest moment of my life' - everything in place, I'm at an appropriate level, and underwear coming up: the arrival of comfort and support, the children snuggled in the sling, the boys will be safe, all is right with the world. Around the corner, laptop in canvas Whole Foods bag, I come within range of the smell of toasted bagels - again... all is right with the world - Bush is almost out of the Whitehouse - the long, national nightmare is almost over - he may have escaped legal impeachment, but he has been impeached in the minds of the American People, the world and by history. Long may his stain remain, as a caution to the United States that we are far, far from perfect, and easily fooled.
++++++++++
Sat Jul 19.08
Looking for a car seat today for Xo, Sean O'Brien gig in Berkeley somewhere at some time with Gil.
Yesterday after work had a fine time: Through windy Chinatown to North beach Steps of Rome where they had REALLY GOOD espresso - zing! Gave me pause: how good and up I felt after the shot - because, how long has it been since I felt really *good*! Is trade-off of calming meds that I lose highs and lows - lose horny happy brightness in exchange for a less nervous anxious mind?
$20 filet mignon with mushroom, taters and veggies - mm-mm good. Fine window view of Columbus facing southeast, fog covered point of pyramid, blustery wind whipped hanging ads and caused everyone to put on their jackets; 5:30 westerly sun cut through, side-lighting everything with white light. Beautiful and autumn-like, but warm enough to be summer. Good light, dramatic wind, filet mignon and espresso - and the work week over, yet feeling like mid-day, a day just beginning. More like this, yes.
Strolled up Grant and back through Chinatown, up Post(?) through Union Square..
Stopping myself from helping every person I see looking at a map. Not every person looking at a map is lost. Families and couples enjoy the bonding experience of figuring it out, like treasure map. I can see it now. Distinguish between those who are open to help and those to whom the offer is an intrusion in an inter-personal dynamic.
Wednesday appointment for Josqin - fur does not seem to be improving. Hard dark growths on hocks mostly gone, down to raw skin - very odd how they disappeared so quickly - medicinal cream made them shrink? Seems unlikely. Or did it dry them up and fell off? Last two days I still took him out, held, petted and sang to him; turned him over to check them, but did not apply cream as it seems to sting, and I'm unsure it's helping at this point. Gave him a book cover to eat, which he was quite happy about!
Picnic Saturday w/Iain's family.
Uploaded a new blog re Thin White Rope, Olive Pit, Grey Bouquet, mid-80s Davis stuff to MySpace - maybe also to davis80smusic?
YouTube with Leni's naked Africans not taken down - not many hits either. whatever.
Clean bunny cage today - new bedding is deep! Hasn't been emptied since I started using it four weeks ago - just fresh layer after layer. He huffs a little when I take him out, hold him on the towel on my lap and scratch his head, stroke his ears and pull off dry hair parts.
Okay - two shots of espresso fucked with my sleep last night - slept, but kind of light/mentally high-strung. Not depressed or unhappy though. Neck a bit stiff. That's it - that is my life's great complaint? Then I'm fucking golden.
Being fat and 5 is no great shakes - but I'm surviving it. It may even be exactly where I'm supposed to be and I should celebrate and enjoy it! Joyous happy and free. It's a quality problem - meaning, it's because I am doing well enough to eat too much of whatever I want. So, and that's bad?
Looked at printers yesterday - $100 for a pretty decent one, but $$$ ink cartridges kill you! I'm doing an "If only I had a printer at home I'd write to my parents and put printed notes on the wall exhorting me to eat and live better and the pounds would drop away." I know better. Printed articles about healthy eating will make all the difference. Nope. No No No.
Weight and parents - the two things I'd like most to change. And Can. If I would.
Unexpectedly, after a long, brushing tease I thought I controlled, Lori suddenly sat down rolling her hips, reaching behind to tickle, then was upset by my quick reaction. 100-99-98-97-fuck! These things happen. In penance I ate and ate and ate for hours. Oral penance. White penance. Obama will change all that. But, like Catholic guilt, it was sort of fun in a "Felt so good when they got the car's back wheel off my foot" way.
~1993
++++++++++e
Thu Jul 17.08
Worked on complex map of Russia at work, picked up car seat from Robbie after work, then 2 GG episodes with Sooz. Car seat a bit damp-smelling, might buy a new one for Karen's peace of mind. Rent-a-bike with baby seat? On Solano?
Getting heavy at work re job entry program, bosses not backing down and setting us up for the fall, or leadership that is, because otherwise they have to admit the app is a failure. Hmmm. Bad scene. Glad I'm not admin. Shit runs downhill.
Sleeping spotty, but okay - taking Josqin out of cage, holding him on a towel on my lap, petting, snuggling and singing to him. I think he's into it. Poor bunny needs a lot of love always, not now more than ever.
Okay... sleep now... not into movies... with friends, for the companionship only...
Odd... history... not great, but satisfies that itch... like having had a virgin... getting the vulva shot...
++++++++++
Wed Jul 16.08
Slept okay last night finally - earlier heat and general restlessness kept me late.
Josqin not improving - make appt tomorrow. Lots of petting, holding, affection, attention. Poor bunny. It kind of fucks up my perceptions - not used to worrying this way about someone/thing else - skews my perceptions, so very important to me, not so to anyone else - except Karen and Iain.
Arranged to get car seat from Robbie tomorrow before GG with Sooz. Also will lend Volvo to K&I week they're here. I can always bike to se them if necc. Excited that they're coming - maybe take them out for sushi - see Xo, maybe take care of her a couple of times, if she wants? Some dollars. Like they helped me with pounds last Dec.
Put up a video with James Brown and scans from People of Kao - curious to see if nudity gets it taken down or copyright for Leni's s photos - I barely tagged it, so it may slip under the radar. Surprise me. Also put up Nine Lives to Rigel Five live Berkeley Square 1983 - what a great song - maybe try to synch the live with the studio recording - or do I have a decent live tape with that line-up? That would be challenging and fun.
++++++++++
Sun Jul 13.08
Mostly stayed home yest, feeling uncomfortably threatened by the roof workers in the backyard - I felt like a little kid hiding from bullies - but when it was time to go I went: Solano for burrito dinner, Reel for drop-off and picked up Fargo, watched some at home. Not using the bike much because of the smoky air; 2008 will be remembered as The Summer of Smoke in north CA.
Buff friend fixed toilet, but this morning it wasn't working: no water in the tank. Sigh.
Big attacks in Afghanistan: 9 US soldiers killed in one attack, 40 Afghanis killed by suicide bomber (Fox continues to call them homicide bombers - it's so embarrassing, but they've painted themselves into an ideological corner and can't back out now; will they fix the 'homicide' glitch in the years to come, or let it stand for future historians as an embarrassing reminder of what twisted assholes there were?).
Iraq leadership may be negotiating in public, saying U.S. will be eventually gone, saying U.S. will be out of the Green Zone and out of the massive new U.S. Embassy building there. Did U.S. intentionally make public completely unrealistic, unreasonable demands, not just so they could "negotiate" down to what they really wanted, but so puppet Iraq gov't could appear to be standing up to us?
Hard to know - but it appears Bush will not get what he wants: not in Iraq, in North Korea, not anywhere really - not in Guantanamo, hopefully not in Iran - our Moronic Oedipal Primitive-Christian President ... sigh... if there was a God who loved us, why did he curse us with such incompetent leaders? Thanks for nothing Creator! What a cock-up of a Presidency; one for the history books for sure. Not a single global or domestic initiative success, not one! Except lower taxes for the rich, which seems not to have kept our economy from tanking into a depression: The Bush Depression, thank you very much! Big banks failing, Fannie and Freddie about dead - both lost 90% of their value in the last 12 months - Bush acknowledges "tough times" and calls for tax cuts for the rich and offshore oil drilling. That. Is. It. That's his bold initiative to help those ground under the unforgiving heel of capitalism at its most heartless.
Gotta hand it to him - he's a credit to this class.
Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck fuck. Can he do just one important thing right? Truman could count a few: Handling end of WWII, the United Nations, Berlin airlift, firing MacArthur in a timely fashion (unlike Rumsfeld's belated ouster), and Truman did it to protect the constitution, not to weaken it like Bush has. Douchebag.
No DeYoung today - no long, hot drives in bad air - it can wait. Today: bunny supplies, clean bunny cage, clean cottage, library - bike around the neighborhood - and any of a variety of available hill hikes. Rancho Nicasio sold out - but I could go and hope for a ticket. Paul Thorn - saw him once and he was okay, but sold out? Huh.
~1993
++++++++++
Sat Jul 12.08
Easy morning - very hazy and cool, but not cold. Up ~6:30 as usual, then slept again and dreamed until ~9:30. Good good sleep - felt at ease - feel at ease - mostly then over the LA and work-related stress. Cool.
Still thinking to maybe go to DeYoung - just deal with the traffic - maybe no bike on such a cold (probably in SF) day.
Putting med on bunny hock sore this morning, I noticed there seems to be one on his other, left hock as well; so put some on both. He's being very good about letting me hold him upside-down, calmer the more we do it - and I've learned to pet and talk to him beforehand and during, but his fur looks worse and worse. Book an appt this week for another look unless immediate improvement appears - no need to wait a whole month, as planned, if med is obviously not working.
Sooo.... DeYoung or not DeYoung?
1992?
++++++++++
Fri Jul 11.08
Payday and savings in relatively good shape - I suppose I could get expensive teeth stuff done and end up @40Jan. Small raise better than no raise. Feh. I have enough to help friends.
No, really - now and then on these city walks I get into a good space, appreciating what I have and where I'm at, knowing these are golden years, letting the past and future take care of themselves, feeling I've found my level, understanding why my life is the way it is, my relationship to family members and family in general - including my weaknesses - which do seem to be highlighted by the warm glow of the family. But every time I go home I leave feeling loved and happy. So... visit in...September? October? Autumn? 2-weeks?
Lisa Cmh says no to underwear/'nude' shots in videos, I thought 'What nudes?' but oh, yeah, okay, I guess they are nude even if the star attraction bits are covered, if barely.
After work Chinatown walk to North Beach BoA. Washington St fish congee and bowl of chocolate gelato. Making big progress in Motorcycle Maintenance.
Rough day on Wall Street, lots of words between Iran/Israel/U.S., a big bank collapse along with housing market collapse - the Fed can't do what it ought for political reasons (upcoming election) - bear market - quasi-governmental Sallie and Freddie home loan support institutions lost 90% of value in last year; new oil record ~$147 on way to $150, $200 and beyond. Everyone says worst global economic situation since Great Depression, Food shortages, water shortages, Bush refusing to do anything about global warming. North Korea nuclear. What next?
Smoky summer, fires on three sides.
Oh. Well.
Co-worker upset, not fitting in, defensive, over-thinking things, weird and spastic - I've been somewhat clueless and disconnected from it, didn't realize how other were getting tired of it, annoyed with it - he's called a two-day sick out. I saw him near cable car turnaround tonight - looked tense, glad he didn't see me. He worries me a little. Not entirely sure he's not the one who cracks and comes in blazing away. Then offs himself. Not a good feeling when a co-worker is freaked out, angry, somewhat irrational. But... nah!
Someday after work bring sweater, cable car over hill to Alcatraz and back - $10 well-spent! And go to a few more Nicasio BBQs. And Bear Valley... and... yeaahhh...
Haven't been using kl, just aten every day. Last kl was... last Saturday Tilden hike?
Sleeping well last week or two, since the LA training stress. Some skin eruptions around nose and around all over legs/hips back from combination of smoke and unrelated(?) sinus/allergy stuffed-upness. Some 'stomach' stuff, too, after work soft avalanche.
Front house roof work leaves big mess.
Tomorrow... ? GG DeYoung Museum morning, bring bike for park ride - bunny supplies.
~1992
++++++++++
Thu Jul 10.08
Raise doesn't amount to much, but an extra K/yr is okay, esp compares to lots of folks not getting any. Comes down to about $15/wk - but the other way to look at it, is that it's a plane ticket to UK.
Work slow'ish - cool. K at work recommended restaurant on edge of Chinatown nr Powell and Broadway - Hing Lung(?) - for their "best in Chinatown" rice porridge with chicken. I was about the only white person there, the porridge was thick and tasted a little burnt, but yeah, good - next wanna try the fish.
Back down Grant/Powell/BART. Over 1/2 way done with Zen & Motorcycle Maintenance - enjoying it - well done. It's a philosophy book for idiots layered over a tragic personal tale. Not at all what I expected.
$12 for paperback book of tasteful Chinese nudes from street vendor.
Sis Joan moving to Idaho. Anne has new place. No news re Tom. I replied to some emails and MySpace msgs today, not to Mary yet. Tough one, but not too really.
Enjoying the long days. Some morning do Twin Peaks - maybe after the smoke from the fires clear.
A visit to Mom and Dad would be nice.
1978
++++++++++
Wed Jul 9.08
A hint that job entry program at work might be at beginning of end - the best fucking news I've had all year.
After work, with brightly colored Chilean manbag, casual walk north to Filbert, Coit for Its'-It and SFChron cipher, Washington Park bench read Wiki 24th amendment article (after reading Civil War battle articles at work: Wilderness, Pickett's charge, Cold Harbor, etc), City Lights: Economist & book about last French guillotining, Chinatown for rice porridge w/sliced fish, coke and tea, up California, down Hammett to Powell, cable car turnaround - lovely warm evening. Easy walking, pure enjoyment - what a fun town!
My tongue feels swollen - broken teeth irritating it - get it fixed - I need to be able to talk for hours to train.
Leave fan on tonight? It's warm!
Finished erotic supernatural witchy German art weirdo video - might redo with different music tomorrow. I checked and am finding more and more videos with erotic themes and nudity - as long as it's artistic, and not porn'ish, it gets a pass - maybe gets 'for adults only' warning, but I guess my stuff is - currently - no problem.
Because it was 30 years ago I think it's okay? Yes. These scans came out well.
+++++++++
Tue Jul 8.08
Pretty mellow at work, scanned pages from Euro paintings of witches and evil women for a video, but what music? Season Of The witch? Email from Lisa Camhi back from east coast, so my paranoia was just paranoia. I am sort of paranoid.
Emails re davis80smusic - respond. And to Lindsay and other folks I've neglected. So easy.
GG w/Sooz, pretzels and cheese and pineapple and melon.
Hot and sticky - sposed to get to 108 Thursday - yikes!
Cactus CD arrived - Parchman's Farm. Been grooving of LAMF at work.
Voyeurism good!
++++++++++
Mon Jul 7.08
Coming back to work not so bad after the 3-day weekend - relaxing, fun.
Laundry, hang at Nomad work on Aeron/Caroline Wogn etc scans. Prepare some for the overlap videos.
Putting medicine on Josqin's hock sore is pretty easy; doesn't add much time to morning feeding/watering.
Cleaned up cottage a bit, vacuumed, moved stuff back under so it doesn't feel cluttered/chaotic; played 8-min meeting scene from Gun Crazy for Buff, and recorded it on the Canon for YouTube.
++++++++++
Sun Jul 6.08 II
Olampoli, where I found a geocache, wrote this website in it, re-hid it.
No kl yest or today; rb all 3 days, which helps, very enjoyable hike today, sensuality of hot air rising from the dry scented grasses, shadows of trees on trails, red trees, wild turkeys, a few deer... 20min from 101 to Nicasio. The trail seemed very short, so - it being such a beautiful day - I walked very slow.
Then Rancho Nicasio BBQ with Booker T (of the MGs), who did a great, laid-back set - very enjoyable, perfect weather. Chicken BBQ, lemonade/coke - no alcohol (I was wondering if that was even possible, but didn't miss or regret not having any - didn't need it, fuck it). Got to gig at perfect time: first band had finished, I drank my lemonade, picked up BBQ chicken, and sat down just as they were introducing themselves. I had crossed in front of the stage with plate piled high with food, and band members mimed as if to lunge for it.
10:30 now - back to work tomorrow - bringing FrontPage 2003 disk.
Good - I been a little down (about getting old and fat?) - but today was full of enjoyment - today was good.
~1979
++++++++++
Sun Jul 6.08
Truth in the weekend papers...
"The price of oil will rise again in the coming weeks. We have to follow the evolution of the dollar, because a one percent fall in the dollar means four dollars more on the price of oil."
"I believe that 60 percent of the rise is due to the fall in the exchange rate of the dollar and to geopolitical problems, and 40 percent to the intrusion of bioethanol on the market."
"... the embargo imposed on Libya has prevented any increase of investment in that country, just as the current embargo on Iran is stopping anyone investing there."
"The United States is threatening severe economic sanctions against any group which dares invest in Iran. Similarly, the war in Iraq is why investment there is weak. No OPEC country can invest in embargoed countries."
OPEC president Chakib Khelil
++++++++++
Sun Jul 6.08
3-day weekends are good. Its just the knee lifting off oxygen line a little, a little more air gets through, slightly heady high... then clampdown again - work work work till you die. Heaven a release from pain. The religious way for the working class. Pretend it isn't happening, pray for sleep.
A bit of trouble sleeping - and breathing - soundly, I suspect because of Big Sur smoke; congested with what feels like globs of sticky sinus glue. Nice. Sweaty, toss-and-turny at night. Rubbed white goop onto Josqin's hock sore. Start doing it at night?
Yest afternoon: shower, Vulvo to Fatapple's for bacon cheeseburger/fries/shake w/SF Chron. Downtown to bank, Comic Relief; Reel for return and pick up Gun Crazy and ...uh, something else. Gas up - $4.50/gal - , WF for bunny and human food; G&S evening, burritos/YouTube (best job interview/Isleys-Hendrix), monster movie trailers.
Today no plan - don't have to do laundry - Olampoli?
~1985?
++++++++++
Sat Jul 5.08
Bit of tossing and turning last night; noises from fireworks and thumping raccoons; raccoon noises sound human - thoughtfully destructive - so particularly disturbing, even frightening.
Mostly lazed in bed / online yesterday - which is good - ; left for Tilden ~6 (.5klrb) - foggy and lovely, though mind wouldn't entirely shut the fuck up. Nearing finish I noted that my mind was churning over Dad/Chae stuff more than usual; so yes, these trails are associated with years of hikes with Chae, the sexual female presence; and for years I did plenty of solo hikes specifically to clear my mind - though, ironically often very self-medicated - , where 1/2 way through loop I would sometimes get a brief respite of clear time in the present. That process was habit, and I revisit it on these trips. I looked back and said, 'bring it on, come to me dad&Chae memories, I can handle you now - come on into the present, I want these trails to be mine now.' Stronger, deeper associations than I'd realized. But that was old me - he is dead - those old memories belong to him - not me.
Well... no, they're mine, but they are not pertinent to my life now. There's no point at all in re-thinking them. Waste of time. There was no way Chae & I would ever work, though there was some love, she was too much for me, and the contempt! Well earned I must say, I kept coming back over and over because of the lure of sex and companionship - no one twisting my arm. Bad sign that I tolerated it as long as I did; and don't kid myself, I didn't ultimately leave the scene; she got married and squeezed me out when it became clear that my being around would mean establishing some independence in my relationship with members of her immediate family. Understandable - like me and Ana and the Chavez's - too many secrets - ; had to be cut off for a fresh start. Like K&I's move away. Too many secrets. No privacy. Assumptions, associations, presumptions and gossip.
Decided not to drive to Davis this morning; farmer's market and biking around revisiting memories is always fun - surprisingly, since I was a much more confused, stressed-out person back then - but it's not 'now', and rose-colored glasses come with the ticket - , but not wiling to deal with holiday traffic on such a boring strip of 80 twixt here and Davis.
G&S tonight.
Last night stopped ~9 for Chinese downtown - sizzling rice soup and house chicken (hmm - yucky - stick with curry), getting better with chop sticks since learning how to do it right, grabbing things delicately, not in a death-grip that makes it slip loose anyway.
Put salve on Josqin's hock sore yest and today. He doesn't like being on his back, but doesn't struggle too frantically - helps if I talk to him. He likes to be pet a lot - as always - but esp itchy areas on his near-hairless flanks. Been updating Karen re his health - fleshed out discussion VCA vet and I had about \ potential neurological problem and blood work.
Okay... today? No plans. Exercise of some sort - bike? Return Reel vids. Otherwise... nada - which bums me a little, I notice - long summer free days highlight my lack of immediate family/wife/children/large social circle - n BBQ, no going to see fireworks, etc - though I could do all those things if I wanted to put out the energy; I look forward to the social contact at work - a bit embarrassed about these holidays, that I spend them largely alone. It seems that way, but really not so much - I spend time around holidays with friends. Just a knee-jerk reaction - normal - so, today, look for yardsales?
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - 1.) I'm not isolated like I often was in years after leaving home, mid-70s - there were some long lonely 'insane with desire to being doing SOMETHING (probably having sex)' summer days on government assistance/food stamps etc - but for most of those years I was going to Laney, Summer work at Olampoli - SOMETHING! - AND THE OTHER MOST IMPORTANT: 2.) I will look back some day and these will be among the - if not *the* - best days of my life - not tormented by fear of future - in good health - enjoying good friendships - more than enough food - a living situation I deeply enjoy with people like family - a rabbit - friends in a foreign country I can afford to visit - a job using my artistic and verbal skills - and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: Nothing to do - nothing tormenting me - nothing pressing - no major emotional injuries opened to invasive elements - not post-divorce, not trapped and tormented by anger and bitterness, not in an ending relationship, or in the middle of one that needs constant reassurance. SO MANY TIMES there has been bad shit going on and I wished for quiet times like today, dreamed of and prayed for them, despaired of there ever being a single day of serenity and completion like I experience today - and look at it - don't mistake this for boredom - this is heaven. I choose to do nothing - sometimes I choose to do something - hike, bike, drive, explore, bookstore, coffee shop... today I want to sit on my ass and I get to make that decision, gratitude is what I should be feeling. Happiness and gratitude - joyous, happy and free. Like they said. The Promises came true. Thank you. And the trap of drugs and alcohol is sealed off. Nice.
I hear Josqin's tongue lapping water.
77 again.
++++++++++
Fri Jul 4.08
So let's see... what happened between last night's blog and this morning? hah
I slept - spent time with Josqin evening and morning, and fed him.
Nomad now with distraction of perennial stinky homeless guy. No one else seems to mind much. The tables near him sometimes stay empty, but not for long. So is it some neurosis of mine? I think not. His clothing stinks of weeks of body odor and fills the establishment - an establishment that serves food for god's sake. And he tends to sit in the middle of the place, so there's no escape, especially when the door opens and the air churns. I can't stand to sit next to him - how do the others do it? I have been really into scents for the last few years - oils, flowers, ferns, bunnies and such - ; over-sensitive? Only in Berkeley would I ask myself that question. He stinks. Chuck his smelly homeless ass out, where nature effortlessly defuses his offense, and there's plenty of room to move away, and we're not liable to lose our appetite mid-meal. Let nature take its course. Mother Earth laissez-faire.
It's my neighborhood coffee shop where I spend my money and enjoy quality time, and he diminishes the quality. It's a clean well-lighted places I'm after - and 'clean' excludes strong body odors permeating the area. It's not some elitist suburban phobia - it's not his appearance, or social status, or financial status, or race, age, gender, sexual persuasion, creed or dress - it's the stink on his unwashed clothes. Bleagh! A dung-encrusted Punjab elephant would rear up trumpeting and thrashing in blind fear of him.
Okay...
I can always leave... It's wrong for me to trash him, well - maybe not wrong - but... immoral? okay, wrong for me to trash and mock a human being who's down on his luck. Having a little too much fun here and feeling a bit guilty about it. Fine. But it is acceptable to bring it to the attention of the establishment's proprietor, then it is up to me to leave or stay.
Battery low. Home to finish.
Home
Buff&DJ in backyard: plum removal going well, Magellan's death, Josqin health report. Discussed flavored sake and realized from mental bells and whistles that I am serious about - having noted that an experimental interest in martinis and expensive sake had begun to develop into a trend, if not a highlight, if not a habit, if not an obsession - cutting WAY back for an assessment (not that much is needed: I shouldn't, I know that), and I've been quietly but persistently backing out of a hole who's walls I'd noticed growing around me.
So, no thanks, but thanks.
30 years ago - 1977 - no one knows me from then, no one knows her from then. We from then are dead and gone.
++++++++++
Thu Jul 3.08
Josqin to vet last night - bad mites, monthly topical ointment for that - possible sore back leg from injection, and a bad sore on his hock that I had seen but not appreciated how bad it was, or how sensitive it might be. Topical ointment for that, too. Josqin was well-behaved and I was nervous and anxious, but we got it done.
Nice slow week at work.
3-days - darn - tonight drove to North side food court for burrito, strawberry fresca and small chocolate gelato. Life is rough.
Put up more video of my fine art nudes. Wondering how long they will stay up - forever? They are pretty tame and not sexual. Any sexuality or sensuality comes from natural body, but it isn't exaggerated or highlighted by music, angle, attitude or pose. Today put up a quick one with fire zone bowl shots of Brit and Marta. Might re-do with bowl centered on all shots. Scanned a lot of proof sheets and negatives today - Aeron on couch shots - similar concept, couch constant, figure moving - combine with re-done bowl and Lisa Camhi robe shots?
I feel quite comfortable - surprisingly so? - putting fine art nude video clips on YouTube: I'm leaving out any shots that might attract wrong sort of attention, and the nudes are all either very old - mid-80s - or people who were very casual about nudity and comfortable, even tickled, by the idea of their pictures being displayed publicly or published for wide distribution. Anyway, hardly anyone watches my art nude videos - I tag them discreetly so they don't get gathered in porn searches, and anyway what I'm putting up isn't what they're looking for - no good for wanking. Sepia. Black and white. No Makeup.
Also created separate YouTube site - Photographs and Music (woo!), intending to put art nude clips there first to see if they attracted censorious attention, but it didn't turn out that way, I'm just putting them up on both... so what's the point? Allowing more focus on what is in essence a vanity project - more for my own enjoyment, not designed for what I imagine an imaginary audience might enjoy. Might come in handy eventually if I create something with more potential for - closer to the edge of what is allowed. Can't imagine though.
Sleeping okay. Enjoying long days and warm weather but didn't get out much this week - GG Tuesday night - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla one night... hmp. Watched the great bad guy scenes from Sexy beast with Sooz Tuesday.
Magellan, the white earless neighborhood greeter cat, died last weekend. His owner of 15 years - since kitten-hood -put up a sign which I saw this morning on way to work. Saw her this afternoon on way back and thanked her for the thoughtful note, the neighborhood won't be the same - friendly-ass cool cat. He would meow when he saw me coming from afar, walk towards me and I would squat and exchange observations about neighborhood doings, in particular the activities of other cats who might be thinking about moving in on his territory. If he was up on the stoop, and not obviously too comfortable, whether in sun or shade, I would squat and wait with my hand out, and usually he would come down slowly, walk beneath my hand and around behind me, back to the front for rubs and gentle head scratching. Sometimes onto his back, never speaking after the initial greetings. There he was. White earless cat.
Karen's computer got stolen - she had backed up some stuff (but not all) onto hard drive I got them for x-mas. So that's good. Partial save.
Haven't heard from Shelley re photo albums. Didn't hear back from Lisa C re the shots of her in the YouTube video. And I haven't been responding to some messages. Don't put myself down - life gets in the way.
1977.
++++++++++
Sun Jun 29.08 Nomad 9:45am
Less fire/smoke-related sore throat/congestion this morning, but some; trouble getting to sleep, but slept well.
Called Richmond House Rabbit folks yesterday - very helpful! - made appt at Shattuck VCA for Wednesday evening. Type something up so I don't confuse things with emotional ramblings. I'm upset by Josqin's health problems (irrational, but makes me feel like a 'bad daddy'), and am as clear as possible re timeline and issues.
Issues are: Inability to support himself on back right leg. Possible skin problem (bald spots, clumpy fur).
Stick to my assertion that leg problem is event-specific: he was vigorous and athletic right up until vet visit for mite shots. Make sure I am heard. Take .5 kl beforehand if necessary - I'm clearly stressed and emotionally off-balance about all this. I'm acting like he is my child, which he is, in a way.
Yesterday - very little - hours reading the 100's of pages of transcripts from Dover ID trial. Great reading! Love the judge - he always says the right thing and keeps his eyes on fairness and the law.
Emailed Karen re Josqin calls/appointments - and personally felt a flash of clarity/serenity once I'd made the calls - obviously it was bugging me a lot that I was procrastinating abut making the appointment - imagine how much better I'll feel after I make appointments for doctors/dermatologists/dentists for my own health - this would be the time to do it, as work is slowing down for the summer.
Emailed Lisa Camhi re YouTube videos with her shots, no reply yet.
Evening hunger: Drove to Fatapple's for bacon cheeseburger/fries/choc shake and trial transcripts: the Behe cross. Comic Relief on the way home - they were having a $1 sale in back - got ~$16 worth, 90s stuff - memories, and a plastic model Batman flyer for Eric. WF for bunny stuff - he loved his carrot - so excited, tried t get out of the cage but flops into his side - it doesn't seem to freak him out when he falls now, he expects it and just struggle until he can get up. I can arrange / time my feeding so he isn't able to attempt to get out, so avoids the falling/flailing.
Gil blogged about some hard rock - inspired me to order Cactus (Parchman's Farm!) greatest hits from Amazon, and the 2nd to last Peanuts collection while I was at it.
Stinky homeless guy still here at Nomad - do I say something, or get all Zen and progressive? He's like the Nomad pet - aren't we liberal, we sit next to the stinky person who takes up space without buying anything. Seems like a nice guy, but... he stinks goddamit! If you're gonna be supportive to this guy, then also have him to your house and let him use your shower and washing machine. And let him have sex with your 14-yr-old daughter while you're at it.
Hey, you kids get offa my lawn!
Sigh.
Today - it's overcast, cool and smoky. What's at Nicasio? Nothing yet - Kronos Quartet in a few weeks.
So - a Russian River loop today? Too smoky? Too overcast? But it's too borderline depressing staying indoors/in-town.
Buff DJ back. Did small load last night. That's it.
~1986? Aeron. Shelley & I still in Oakland? Sufficient Grounds. Dreamed I saw Tom on the street doing some menial labor; I said hi but didn't stop - in the dream I was considering the least awkward protocol. Look through proofs. Make more photo slide show videos. Create a separate YouTube channel for my photo videos so they do not make trouble to the angrylambie stuff? Avoids potentially embarrassing associations with people who know me and models. Good idea.
++++++++++
