Mon Sep 1.08
Well, that's not good - only the burger meal Saturday, yesterday didn't eat until early afternoon sushi with Eric, and started with a large hot saki - got pretty goofy what with the food running late and another couple of saki's arriving. We had a good old chat, about bunnies, about what to do with re-designing post-Josqin cottage and I was feeling it - then we ate for what seemed like hours, and was - sushi from about 2-5, yikes! Driving home the 3 blocks to Eric's? Smart? Stupid! Don't even dissect it - not worth the chance!
Once we got home and watched TV and The Host making-of the monster clips I mellowed - lots of food is good, and lots of diet Pepsi and crackers. Yeah, well. I dodged a bullet - but it's not... smart.
Left SRosa ~9pm (after considering sleeping on the couch and making a morning drive home down the coast - that would have been fun, but I wanted to start from home today), 4+ hours after last sip of saki and felt fine all the 70-80mph super-light-traffic drive home.
McCain's VP's 17-yr-old daughter is pregnant and keeping it and marrying the father. Great fucking role-model for the evangelicals, right? Right.
Smart. No smart.
Some good ideas for the cottage -a captain's bed. Yesterday moved wooden shoe/telephone shelves outside. Maybe take down the desk. Open it up, empty it out - be thoughtful. Stack plastic boxes in the corner - move the bed against into northeast corner - and cheat of drawers into southeast? Easy to re-do - just... see how it feels. Let ir develop organically. Use space wisely, though - as Buff -said - one thing I can count on, no matter how much space I free up, I will fill it with crap, inevitable.
Okay - so, slightly musty mind this morning - but still, get out to... Novato? Tilden? Pt Reyes? Good day for a causal walk in warm, spicy-scented woods. Yes.
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Sun Aug 31.08
ah ah ah relax body relax. Nomad, laundry drying on the corner
Santa Rosa at 1-1:30 for sushi with Eric. Looks like another hot beautiful August California day. Can't complain! I love August in San Francisco.
Yesterday lazed about with my face in the laptop. Got out ~12 for Fatapple's bacon burger/fries/shake - my only meal for the day - it's what I wanted so I got it. Beautiful day to drive around. On the way, hit Wells Fargo to get info re sending pounds to U.K., and looked for yard sales -
- funny thing!!! - on Sacramento, a sale sign pointing down Hearst, wondering if I will notice the compound where Chae, and Karen's Gabriel's mom, had lived - surprise! - the sale was at the very place, and Michael was there - well, it's a summer for reconnection so I stopped and got five good shirts and a blue jacket (which was somewhat small on me but fit Buff nearly perfectly so he got it - in partial exchange for his black jacket which I've borrowed but essentially took from him by putting wear and tear on it, but will buy us both more online). Not sure - Michael may have halfway recognized me under my sunglasses and hat. As the seller bagged my shirts I asked him if he knew Chae?. She visited us this morning, said he. Said I, I'm an old friend, haven't seen her for years. So she's alive and well? Good.
Good. Good to know. Thus ends desire for contact or need for further details. Have not seen her for... how many years? It happened after Karen & Iain left - the split that is - 4-5 years ago, at a time when I could hardly afford to lose contacts/acquaintances/friends - not that one can ever, but - anyway, 4-5 years ago. Is that all? She was Shelley's age I think, so 44. Still with Tom and teenage daughter in the same house? Don't know. Don't care. We no longer fit. No longer need each other enough to tolerate the humiliations and insults built into waiting-for-right-one user and used, used using the user until it eats itself, carcass licked a last time for nourishment, realization that one cannot live on bones, angry 'I have all I need. I never liked you. I'll be fine without you' lie at departure. Fini. Doesn't even rate a good-bye. Do not go back and dig up that corpse.
Made a list of house stuff:
Things that can be done immediately -
Beate table out
Band photo box organized (plastic box?)
Plastic boxes stacked on corner
Drawers stuff into plastic boxes
Desk out - replaced with smaller desk with drawers
Large fridge
Books on book shelves
Get rid of Mac, or get keyboard first and get make sure I have all desire files from it
Smaller bed with drawers and room for plastic storage boxes, facing east-west
Carpenter from Craig's list?
Lay-out cottage space - measure and draw on computer.
Dreams this morning, but I woke up feeling pretty good - tomorrow off - get up coast after Santa Rosa? Some cheap out-of-the-way hotel?
Out first shoot, at Ralphs, living on 45th, so 1985? Almost 25 years ago.
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Sat Aug 30.08 Nomad a.m.
A lot of training this week. The throat coat tea and spray helped and I got through it plus lots of water.
Every day after work walked through Chinatown/North Beach/Union Square - evenings are warm and not too windy, perfect weather for casual walks - very enjoyable, making the city mine - at least the downtown areas.
Put up more Mann memorial pics on Facepage. Not much effort into davis80smusic/myspace, but it continues to serve its purpose.
Been kind of down - Josqin's presence distracted me from the loneliness - this morning in bed I saw the empty space and stepped into it - this is exactly how it's supposed to be - I was not put upon or targeted for punishment or hate when I was young or ever - I got what one gets - people who were on receiving end of my twisted anger were not at fault, were not the target - "deserving" has nothing to do with it - that hole of isolation is the same hole we all feel, part of human existence, what makes us cling to others, join groups, have families - part of it - my hole is not bigger than a anyone else's - it's just the hole, the void - does a hole exist? Or is it just a fear, a thought, a concept - a fear of being alone; don't fear being alone - it doesn't hurt. Many friends and acquaintances are a comfort - but also a distraction and fallacy; Josqin was great, and I tried not to lean on him and use him as a crutch to distract from the reality of that isolated feeling, but there it is, organically it could not help but sooth that feeling, take edge off in most enjoyable way, warm and furry and licking my hairy wrist. Alone in a room filled with acquaintances, even people with tons of people and networks feel insecure and alone. I have my network, it is appropriate for an anti-social person like myself. My friends are true and proven and high-quality. None better. Excellent.
Bless my life every morning for that.
Speaking of which...
Sushi with Eric tomorrow afternoon in Santa Rosa? Been a while. I miss him. So - if so - yes.
Monday Pt Reyes and the coast - can I do it?
McCain made a desperate grab for a conservative Christian fundamentalist, creationist, anti-abortion extremist, with 1.5 years experience as Alaskan Governor. What a fucking pandering humiliation and admittance of eminent defeat, kowtowing to the religious right he defiantly proclaims to despise. Trapped by electoral weakness. Pathetic. Not that it is politically unwise - but what an insult to women who were excited about Hillary Clinton because she is qualified to be President, and the only thing holding her back was her gender. McCain's choice is opposite: unqualified to be President and commander-in-chief of the most power nation the world has ever know, who's main qualification is her gender and being an anti-evolution Christian. Desperate and pathetic. Obama will out-poll him 2-to-1 and win in a landslide. McCain must being praying for a terrorist attack. Will Bush&Co let down the security wall just long enough for a small taste of fire to help him out? Is that paranoid? Do I really believe things like that happen? Well - yes I do - why wouldn't they? Power makes people do seemingly mad things with completely sane political motivations. If a few hundred innocents have to die for the long-term good of the nation and right-thinkers everywhere, well then, make it so. Of course it happens.
One hates to admit it, since then you get tarred as a wack-o, but it's god's plain truth, this world is nether a simple nor an innocent place. Evil is done for good, and who is to say which is which.
Overcast... my little melodrama... don't my little problems get any special attention? No - just have to be brave and keep on moving, taking chances, every day is a gamble, every moment potentially your last. Should I take a week off and do a cruise. Waiting for things to calm down. Josqin has me thinking a bit about death - spend my $ now~! For Xo. For myself. Comfort in the cottage. A fridge will save me money in the long run. 2 to Xo. 2 to the cottage. 5 to a cruise. Then I'm still at 36 at the end of the year, and health crisis could wipe it out. And what the diff anyway - it represents energy, it is sitting there uninvested. Invested in a child, in my home and in travel makes more sense.
Right.
Looked through all the photo albums - very little interest after all that - memories - barely, too long ago. Of course I deserve to have them and it's good to have closed that loop, but can't relate to the guy living in Oakland, working at Big Shot, drinking and doing whatever was available in the pipe or on the counter. Scared, depressed, hyper, lost - nope, I see the person I have worked so hard to heal and improve on, the person who despaired of ever having peace of mind and serenity. Wanting to be a person who could count on myself. Unpleasant but good to relive. But after one quick glance through I have not been drawn back. Now is too good.
That first shoot: She didn't tell me on the phone she was black, and I noted the pleasure in her smile at watching my reaction when she walked into the coffee shop. It was nothing to me. We shot that same afternoon. 1989. Her and Barb were the two contacts I made from a flyer I put up in the UC Davis art department after my models had dried up in the late 80s. Why did they dry up I wonder? I can say my personality - like Tom, when people get to close I psuh them away, but... ... ... ?
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Wed Aug 27.08
In to work at 7am - train all morning (that was fun and went well), 2 hour break, train till 5:50. 10 hour day. I want to blog more but tired - woke up from end-of-the-world dream, 2nd or 3rd recently. Everyone calm, clearing out of the Nomad, but right, no where to go because the world had ended. Hmp.
Chris will be at John Henry's birthday. Well. He wants me there. That's that.
After work walked to City Light's, then through Chinatown, stopped for curry chicken/rice/7up.
I think I'm depressed - I was really anxious and self-conscious about yesterday's training - did not want to be observed by people - maybe still Josqin's death - ... unhappy, lost my close cottage friend and a direct connection to Karen and Iain. Sad. Hurting. And I know I'll be okay eventually.
But the macho voice in me that says "get over it!" is loud and persistent.
In to work late tomorrow and stay late to train. Another week with no Gilmore Girls - damn - missing it and hanging with Sooz.
Got the Aguirre music CD - so far I only like the movie pieces.
Library last night, Sketches of Spain, Get Your Ya-yas Out & Brian Eno recent release. Cool. Stones, baby!
Got some viks, throat coat tea, a throat spray for opera singers, gargled with salt, lemons in the tea - really tried to get my voice good for all the training - seems to have worked - still some tightness, but tolerable. Combination of mild pain and constantly feeling there's a bit of phlegm to cough up has me exasperating the discomfort with harsh hacking. So vik helped most perhaps, but having throat coat tea etc didn't hurt.
I've also lost my enthusiasm a bit because of the way they've been treating us at work this year: overworking, disrespecting, insulting. I reminded myself this morning that I do the training for me - for the challenge, for human contact and plain enjoyment. And I looked in the bathroom mirror just beforehand, after gargling heartily with warm salt water, and had a Reservoir Dogs 'They don't know. You won't get hurt, because you're super cool.' moment.
I want to put more memorial visit pics on FacePage, but too tired now.
1981? Davis fields abandoned migrant worker camps.
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Mon Aug 25.08
Relax and enjoy myself.
U.K. visitors, stressful work situation, near contact with ex-wife and with my past, Josqin died... and I think I have been unhappy about that and it's made it more difficult to deal with stressful, irritating situations, at work in particular. But it's understandable and natural that reminders of the divorce - and all the stuff about myself it forced me to face - good as it all turned out, the kind of honesty about myself I'd been dying for - understandable that it would feel negative, going over it again, a last plowing, before the new present. As some old relative said, these old scandals have a way of becoming interesting skeletons and stories.
Uploaded Asleep at the Wheel clip. Audio not bad, but visual broke up badly - trying to figure out why - shadows?
New Jam CD from Amazon showed up.
Training tomorrow - just back from WF with chicken soup, lemons, throat coat tea, throat spray, zinc lozenges. Feeling better about it all. Psychologically, knowing I've got some 'cures', or at least mitigaters, lifts my spirits.
After work Chinatown to North Beach, swordfish and mocha at Steps of Rome; they must put crack in their espresso drinks they make me feel so right - relax and enjoy myself seems so easy and obvious if I just keep it in mind, but it's the mocha meth maybe. Almost got the filet mignon, then remembered what Marge and John said about meat staying in your system, wearing you out with the energy it takes to digest - so, when they said they were out of salmon, but had swordfish, I had swordfish. And it was good - not Great - but fish is easy-to-digest brain food. Ba-dump! And I read more of Rousseau's Social Contract and decided I love the light in Steps of Rome - big windows, open sky at the wide road near the Columbus / Broadway intersection - white evening light slightly filtered by the edge of encroaching fog. Oh, yes.
Slept poorly last night but I did sleep. I know 'cause I kept waking up from dreams including a very clear nice one massaging JJ's sopping shiny vulva with my thumbs. Good close-up, thank you imagination. Perhaps a Advil tonight? The KL's begin to concern me; I think I've noticed that they start off okay, just relaxing me, but after a time - perhaps a few hours, when I'm coming off of it(?), I begin to feel weak, sodden, useless, worse then tired - lame...
But I've also thought about that well, maybe if I'm weaning myself off kls, finding fewer and fewer times to use it, maybe I can wean myself off Atenolol, too. Careful. Careful. That sounds an awful lot like the people you hear about who take their meds, feel better, decide they're well, stop taking their meds, and get ground under a hard lesson. It's worth thinking about, but let's not jump to conclusions. Atenolol helps with general anxiety - kl helped with spot, situational anxiety. The kl helped while I got used to what I am able to do comfortably using the at. The kl became les and less necessary. The at? I have to assume my life-long physical anxiety has not disappeared. The only question is, should I look into something besides either of them?
No rush.
Relax and enjoy myself. Stop being such an angry bummer at work. Without being a clone drone, work to make it more positive for everyone, and not feed the anger. Win by finding a way to be happy anyway. They've insulted and abused us and nearly broken the department and been foolish and short-sighted. There's no reason to let them get us down. If we are doing the best we can, then we can feel good, and also the enjoy each other. Right? Right! Don't draw any more attention to myself as a complainer re the job entry program. I've said my piece. Drop it. Move on. I'm in the mode of doing Photoshop jobs, taking photographs, indulging Partner portraits and doing days of training. My value really shines here, in and outside the department. Use my up energy to benefit everybody.
A few scenes from The Maltese Falcon, then sleep.
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Sun Aug 24.08
Yest in Davis to hang with Marge and John and pick up photo albums I hadn't seen for 10 years, about 10 of them, and the cover about 10 years. If I only had a 10" dick the picture would be complete.
Driving up I was tripping on my anxiety buttons - I have located them, maybe it's time to erase them; Being Dad and divorce. When I was just around the corner from M&J's place it suddenly hit me, I'm here to visit Marge and John and suddenly I felt happy and clear. They are friends.
Talked for hours - to the Czech place for brunch, back home for hours, till dinner time when we went out for Thai - so I got to treat them to 2 meals, which is a treat for me after all the times they have shown deep generosity - that I get to give a little something back in the same spirit.
We talked about it - joys and perils of giving - I laid out situation with Karen/Iain/Xo, how I'm not used to having $, so I have issues/fears about giving, my motivations, will it make me feel big or powerful or even resentful, and the purposes and meaning of money for someone in my financial strata, how the difference between "retiring" with $50- 60-70K makes very little difference, how one serious medical emergency could wipe me out - it happens all the time. And if I can afford it and I feel secure that 5 years from now I will be glad I did it, then yes make a gift at this time when they are buying a house and have a young child - a transitional time - when cash flow will be very helpful, without disrupting and robbing them of the lessons we all need to learn about frugality, living with what's important, within our means. I see my parents - and other adults - were right about that - important to pay for things, to earn them, because otherwise you don't learn the value of things.
After Thai - I'd brought my car into town - I pulled bike out and peddled down to Poleline cemetery and the old neighborhood - not to campus - it was dark and I was, again, feeling weak and not sharp mentally. Damn it. And my throat is still a problem - clearing it a lot, feeling tightness - damned fire smoke from June. Makes work training more stressful - get lozenges and throat coat tea.
Home in very good time - heavy but fast traffic, and bike ride had cleared my head - looked through two albums... a lot of the photos go back 20 years - I was thinking of these albums as being "10 years old", forgetting that the photos were much older - distant, artificial - in some of the oldest ones, Dave Gill's wedding, I don't recognize myself, and am embarrassed at the memories of public drunkenness they bring up. Oh my god. But, this is the whole point -to face it.
Discussed with John the issue - for me - about going to his birthday party and S&C being there. Came down to it being my problem, and it won't be a problem. For one, it's his 80th birthday and let's get ourselves straight. For two, the anticipation - as it usually the case - will be stressful, but the event will not be. Very little was said, especially by M&J, it's in my head. Trust myself to cross the bridge and deal with any tension when the time comes. Life is like that, I cannot control it, and it'll be fine. It would help if I let go of my anxiety points - the ones I use like a masterpiece to know who I am by who I confront and resist. A stiff dark neurotic tea. Without which I would be happier and better able to enjoy and experience day-to-day life, and which I am capable of removing from serious play. There aren't many left - neurosis - and I have them corralled and pinpointed in my sites - destroy them, with help if necessary - but do it. After a nice long day talking with Marge and John - and getting the photo albums, and RSVP'ing John's b-day party - I feel particularly sane. I remember how I was - I see the improvements and the lack of resentments, so I know I can get better. A good, if somber, sobering, humbling feeling.
Oh, right - and this.
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Sat Aug 23.08
Woke ~6:45, word day time, with fear dreams - I'd done something I knew was foolish, but fun - in this case, rolling or sliding a cylinder(?) down a steep forest path without knowing for sure with whom it might come in contact down the way; then I heard someone coming up the path, obviously peeved. Fear! Hide! Awake!
Don't do stupid stuff.
Added up the morning - Asleep at the Wheel is tomorrow not next weekend. Feels good to have that plan - my special thing in Nicasio, and to feel confident that I don't have to worry (much) about drinking - I seem comfortably into the sober groove - alcohol just doesn't appeals. Had that swallow of wine and Robbie/Liz's the day Karen and Xo were up - and, no, yuchh.
And - yes - 10 years almost to the day, 10 years ago, August 20, 1998 - a 1.5 years after the shocking but necessary DUI - Aug 20 was the day I moved out of Taylor and into cottage. Maybe should have a little celebration party with Buff & DJ?
And I'm going up to Davis today to pick up some of the photo albums... 10 years of photographs, 10 years later. I haven't been feeling one way or the other about it, just wanting to get the closure of retrieving memories and the physical items. I think the last time S&I talked was trying to arrange for me to borrow some; she wanted to meet on our anniversary, a sort of happy meeting... that suggestion didn't go down well, not at all, kind of blew my mind - we were so far apart in our views of what was happening. so I've stayed away since. And for other reasons.
But felt sad now thinking about it last night; and this morning used last of a roll of toilet paper and was about to pull the cardboard center off the holder to toss across room to bed for Josqin - who would no doubt be watching me through the door - sometimes I would hide in the bathroom, he would come out onto the bed and I would come out and try - not very hard - to get him while he ran into his compound. That was so much fun - he was really fun and playful. A friend. All the little things I did for him, to give him what he needed to live a fulfilled bunny life. Play - communication - if not what was going on, because I couldn't hope for him to understand the world outside the cottage, not the way I do, or why Mommy and Daddy were not here with him - though I often related to him his story, how Mommy and Daddy found him and recognized him, and how they loved him, and why they left him with me because I also loved him - but I could hope that we would have an understanding, a consistent rapport, that he would find comforting and intellectually stimulating, as well as fun. I was such a large part of his world, so it was important that I was there for him within reason - and that cut both ways - we were there for each other, the more I gave, the more I received.
Josqin! :-(
Mourning the Toren way... the family style.
Anyway. This weekend - drive with bike to Davis for photo albums and maybe go out to eat? Easy evening. Asleep at the Wheel in Nicasio tomorrow.
I should not neglect to honor this 10th anniversary - leaving Taylor was huge (I'd left the marriage much earlier) - these things can be important - and feelings that may come up, are already coming up, should not be slighted. Time heals wounds, but sometimes ungodly slowly. Ten years... enough time to celebrate John's 80th without a scene - what is that date? Is it Sept, I hope, and not Aug? Check at home.
Home to shower, load bike, to load bike I'll need to unload baby seat. Urgh. Okay.
Obama chose Biden. Strong ticket.
Have always liked this shot - I think I'm a closet ass man. And something about arms being up, like shot of Cheryl against the concert abutment. Yes - arms up, ass out. Submission with a purpose. Nothing sinful there. Oh my poor Catholic-educated mind! Don't fight it - I am what they made me. I see the world in moral absolutes. And when anything gets too close to my intellectual inner Jesus I push back hard.
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Fri Aug 22.08
Work has been busy, not they're talking about us taking on Boston in the evenings as well - worst of corporate mentality, rather than using logic and foresight, you take a machine that works well and overwork it till there's a train wreck, then pick up the pieces - after having been broken the machine never runs as well again. Ah, and the jobs all have to be entered in a "timely fashion" even if we are "very busy." Sure. Whatever. Shit runs downhill. The peons lose respect for their corporate masters. Same old.
After work walked through windy cool summer fog, happy for $14, green San Francisco sweatshirt I got in Chinatown yesterday. Up Washington to Hyde, stopped at cash-only Chinese hole-in-the-wall for crackling rice soup and curry beef. Kind of tired, but feeling okay, wanting to walk around lovely town amongst happy tourists. Stopped at cable car museum; enjoy watching them roll by - up and down the step hills. Grab one someday after work and ferry to Alcatraz. Down Lombard, Columbus, chocolate gelato cone at Grant, Chinatown, up Bush, down Powell to BART. Reading intro to Rousseau's Social Contract. Stole a WWD with semi-nude Kate Moss shots from a laundromat on Hyde. Stopped in various stores here and there. Bank for $. Helped a tourist or two.
Tomorrow going to Davis mid-late morning to get some, or all?, photo albums - 10 years old - probably sad memories. Probably - no doubt - good to see them, gain insights, gain closure. Been looking forward to it on principal, now that it's time I feel sad about it all.
DJ Buff gone for the night - watching the front house, close the window to keep out the raccoons - who have been noisy and rousty lately!
Weird dreams states this morning - pertinent, sharply defined dreams - pertinent to today, cleaning up recent events, not turning over the musty past. No specific memories - but waking out of them was almost like waking out a waking state. Out of one dream, into another.
Work could be worse - at least we all get along pretty well - I dig most everyone I work with most of the time. Lucky. Pay is tolerable. I love my backyard - was looking at it tonight from the back porch and realizing how wonderful it is, how I'll miss it if and when I leave - how I should, and do indeed, enjoy and appreciate it. Lots of paths, bushes, trees, succulents and other flowering, vining, hanging plants!
Normal now to be shaved. No big deal. I liked her. We should have shot more. But I was going crazy. Thank god that's over.
Left a note on some blog page for Elaine Kaszicki, because a relative put up her Mom's diary pages and a visit to Pittsburgh is noted: 'Bob Toren visited, went to church, didn't go to the play.' I wonder why not. I wonder how Elaine is? Jan 1, 1972, first time, standing in shower, then on floor. No idea what I was doing. Brother convinced her I was lying... but I wasn't. My raunchy talk and casual (oh, yeah?) nudity convinced people I was also sexually experienced. Funny. Not a comfortable subject. Need lots of comfort.
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Thu Aug 21.08
Put up Brit/Marta/Sarah figure studies plus Aguirre music video - hmp, actually referring to them as figure studies instead of nudes, somehow they seem more the one than the other. Ordered the Aguirre music CD - maybe do a slowed down version with better volume? Put it on both sites and they haven't been taken down - ~1,000 views combined of Satie/polaroids. Cool, I guess. Seems unreal. Nudes on YouTube? Even tastefully shot? Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Noticed big angryL view count from work site - like 500+; a glitch, or...? Can't imagine work folks actually caring that much or being so titillated... no, something weird happened. Keep an eye on it. And I had to consider - potential consequences, and to my surprise I thought I probably don't need to care. What would people find out? That I shot art nudes in and after art school and have family issues? So what? I'm very discreet about individuals and work, and the nudes are tasteful to the point of being boring, if a turn-on is what people are looking for. I'm not jeopardizing my job, so...? So it's cool.
Yesterday and today after work walked around SF - North Beach/Chinatown; stopped on the sidewalk with a small group and watched replay of Olympic ceremonies on big screen and contemplated the meaning of it: changing perceptions of China's place on the world stage. Up to Coit... sat in Washington Square both times and read - an analysis of Catcher in the Rye - which pushed a lot of buttons for me! Yikes - (over?-) sensitive, insightful boy-man hating the bullshit and going crazy looking for an honest way forward.
Tried to digitize Danny's LF DVD but it got screwed up - try again.
Feeling good, but looking fat - and there's no way I'm getting into bed with someone looking like this... vanity then is main motivation for losing weight - not health, not to have more energy. But vanity ain't gonna do it, because I know better than to think losing weight will bring chicks flocking. Never happed, never will. Meeting of humble modest loneliness maybe.
Haven't biked much lately. Asleep at the Wheel in 2 weeks. Berk Rep starts in September. A change in cottage arrangement would be fun - just for fun's sake, but also might... well. having a bed AND a reading chair would be nice. And a fridge. And shelves. Tricky. Hmmm... wall mount for TV? Stereo on shelves?... Hmmmm...
Okay.
This weekend... Davis for photo albums? G&S? Get out for a hike. Get the new camera going. Return library video which I almost never watch, but I get them because they're there, just in case, just in case I have a friend over for a movie... just in case I have a girl over for a movie in the cottage where there is absolutely no privacy of any sort. Every tinkle. Every poot. Right.
Lots of loud-list GT talk about what might have been a radio hit, and college radio in general. Fun stuff.
Not time to take down home page Josqin collage yet - it's subtle, but I'm still mourning. I miss him. I miss having him to care for. Having someone to take me away from myself. Not as empty as I expected to feel. I guess I learned that, too. I knew the day would likely come, unless I died first.
Not great... but I keep doing them, and they get a little better, and I get ideas... I like sharing with viewers series of proof sheets shots, in order, so they can see what I saw, adapting, shifting, waiting, stalling, getting inspired - seeing it! Shooting.
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Mon Aug 18.08
Worked all day on boring, difficult org charts. Stayed late to pull audio music snips off Aguirre the Wrath of God for Liz P-focused YouTube slideshow. Starry Plough Corned beef dinner - 2 extra blocks to BART while they destroy half the parking. Assholes.
Nomad to upload lots of pics from Mann picnic & memorial to Facebook.
Thinking about putting together a bunch of self-portrait digital video yaps for YouTube. Too embarrassing? When has that ever stopped me. In fact, if I fear embarrassment I'm more likely to think I've likely nothing to fear and it needs to be overcome so I do it. Hasn't killed me yet.
Likely is the word of the month.
Put the funny 1/2&1/2 pillow slips on bed pillows - thick, comfortable. I dig it.
Ok. Taylor St Poetry Corner. Finished Zen Art Motorcycle Maintenance. All sorts of little things going on. Books. Pieces of paper. Things to mail. Things to store. Furniture to rearrange. Photographs top share with the world. Clothes to buy: clean socks, shows, shorts, pants, coat, tie.
Don't forget to Be Here Now and enjoy every second and every breath even when I'm sad, tired and anxious. I've stoped work mochas and going for straight Peet's. better.
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Sun Aug 17.08 II
After Nomad morning, Buff chat (Ikea?), random Marin drive becomes Tamalpais inspiration, and I have maps of Marin and Tamalpais - eeh! Easy to find once I decide to use the map instead of guessing and hoping. Past fire dept, Fern trail to East Point, trails and fire roads - hydrated in the car plus a cold chicken/bean/cheese wrap. Orange and energy bar for trail - some steep shit, but I took it easy. Beautiful day for a hike, chat with a couple about confusing signs and 'hello' passing a Nomad acquaintance. Cool - I got out, traffic was light throughout - it's been years! Associations with Boona & Tom, and Chae. They faded quickly replaced with sensual/sexual video ideas for Liz Pope circa 1994. Organic orange, Gatorade, banana.
Sunny on the mountain - and not many forested areas, really overhanging forest - because mostly your are on the steep hillside looking out onto a view. Still, fun to explore some more - maybe in the fall and winter; another place along with Santa Rosa and Davis and San Francisco museums that can be reached in about an hour.
Looked out into my past: West Virginia, Pittsburgh, LRY, South Charleston, Berkeley, Anne Newhall, Ann Arbor, Adrienne, Oakland, Wayne Kwitney, Laney, Davis, bands, marriage, Taylor, Game Theory tours, divorce, Chris, Karen, cottage, Buff DJ, work mates... present.
Stopped in Marin at laundromat - Sunday NYT, sushi/yogurt/water from store around corner. Marin. White people. Money.
Good weekend - good summer. Felt strong during the walk, mentally a little foggy - not excited at any rate, but that's good right? Unexcited is normal, and at 54 - I don't want to be hyper and overexcited like I was before. Felt physically strong - no problem doing the miles in the heat up steep paths and dirt roads - stopped to point when I needed to. Orange, fruits, energy bar were a big help. Could have done more miles... maybe get in a long one or two this summer?
Ordered ticket for Asleep at the Wheel next Sunday. Amazon for two more Jam CDs. Cool. It's pretty much how I want it and how's right for me. I continue to consider looking for a newer $5K Volva. Selling other cheap within Mann family. Feel like selling is better than giving in most cases - otherwise it lacks some intrinsic value. Money gift is energy gift - like helping someone build a bar. Buying a model's time. Did I pay Liz? I forget. Thinking about a £1K house gift for U.K. At same time as car to keep all the pain in one place. But the car is running fine...so, no.
Back to work tomorrow... pay week... 50 has to wait for end of next year, but it can be done.
Okay. Find a model?
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Sun Aug 17.08
Morning again - woke up as bobble-headed Bob, don't lean forward whatever I do - wooo... my head is a special effect... motion trails... leaning, leaning forward... careful, no heavy equipment today thank you very much - dizzy, almost concerned I would fall... not really, but, getting there... and still with the mild harumphing sore throat. I want a week away at the health farm with lots of water, salads, massages, clean air and healthy living. They used to have places like that... spas, are there inexpensive ones? I want a refresher!
Relationships are a big distraction - that's what I remember about them. One is constantly aware of meeting the other's need in one way or another, never alone not really. That drove me fucking nuts, because how could I ever get centered in myself, know who I am, feel right. I am not who I am plus one, I am me alone, Si! No. Si!
Josqin's relationship exists pure in my memory, and in who I am because of him and all he represented. I do like having the bed to spread out on, and am suffering from neither solitude nor loneliness either as I expected I might. Digging it. Maybe I'll notice later. If I could choose, I would choose to have him alive and back. But he is gone, and the mourning can happen without my hurting every time I see the empty space where the cage was. On the other hand, I am not rushing to do something else with that space - it remains somewhat filled with sacred energy. Organic process works. No hurry. But the desk and chest of drawers,,,
...yeah. I saw the new lay-out last night.
Medium-size bed with drawers beneath 1/2, and other 1/2 empty for plastic buckets of papers/negatives. This is the north-east corner. A chair and lamp in the southeast corner. Chest of drawers gone. Shelves instead. Small desk with drawers somewhere. Current desk gone. Could be.
Sat: Nomad, drive north route down across GG bridge to deYoung for Chuhuli blown-glass exhibit; liked that very much! Beautiful. Drive was smooth - ~50min total? Easy! Walked through everything, taking pictures, wearing Buff's black jacket.
Left and strolled towards music in band shell - folk festival of some sort, old hippies and their grandchildren. Danny Plotnick there with son; Dan Hicks coming up. We talked about his live film of Dream Syndicate, YouTube, photo sites etc. He's a good guy, fun to see him. Dan Hicks with Jug Band was excellent - what a treat! A dancing horse blew minds.
After, easy drive home - socked in with fog all day. Library to drop off, pick up several including Maltese Falcon. Buff & I arrived home at same moment - agreed on Maltese Falcon viewing, he made dinner, tasty pasta! yum - rb, Chinese Olympics with much commentary on the marathon womens' physics (good). Sydney Greenstreet is amazing, and Brigid O'Shaughnessy. Slow moments, but also terrific flawless classic set pieces.
Invitation from John Henry to his 80th birthday. I was so pleased to receive it and thought of course, and as I was telling Buff I was caught short - "oh!" - because Shelley and Chris will be there. Well. I want to attend. Don't have to stay long. And probably not too many opportunities for awkward situations. So, yeah. Perhaps a little legwork beforehand to prep ground. The day is John Henry's, not for other melodramas. Time is too short, if it is anything at all.
The most powerful orgasm I ever felt crushed my fingers.
A good day, I'd say. Email from ex-coworker Charelle.
Liz at Taylor.
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Sat Aug 16.08
And now it's morning - my mind wandering and jumpy. Want to get focused - centered - on living right, thinking right, focused on doing right. Breath. Calm. Not stuck in the mud. Drive to museum today - get enough rest - don't eat crap. de Young and bicycle = fun! Why not? Weary is no reason no to move. My throat slightly clogged - seems like I'm been clearing and harrumphing for months - since the big fires? Did they give me a condition?
Okay. Deep breath. Davis and Nicasio tomorrow?
Laundry. Library.
Never did watch the Gregory Peck is a Jew movie. Buff said it wasn't that great. Bamboozled was like being hit in the face over and over again - but it fulfilled it polemic purpose. And some of it was goddam funny - not to mention shocking! Is there a button left unpushed?
Okay... relax... enjoy... the Denise nude on the couch below inspired all sorts of terribly disrespectful, flexible, multi-partnered, squishy fantasies.
Okay - family is rough - we all get to see each other at our best and worst for decades -is there no way out? There's no way out of me being me - I'm am uncomfortably anxious around people and 'anger' in general, so family is a mind-blocker - I can barely function, feel useless. I am of no value to them except for memories' sake. Ah, our little boy has grown. It's not enough to be me - being valuable to others is not being valuable to them. I go home and my fiber screams at them "I have value. Maybe not to you - but to others. I am loved, maybe not by you, but by others. I am respected and care for - not by you, but by others. My philosophy is respected by others, but not by you. Fuck you and your attempts to wrestle me out of being me with your emotional blackmail and proselytizing"!"
Pressure to be close to ones family is intense - society demands it - the Ten Commandments proscribe it on pain of death. Yet - who really wants it? What do I get from it that I don't have, except the warm feeling on my place of origin. And yeah, that certainly has healing closure value - the circle comes full.
So that's out. All I can do is be me, be in touch - and why? Because... ? Because family has value even if the worth is not easily visible. Yes, the value is hard to detect. All my anger and resentments are right there on my face, in my chest - wanting to do physic violence to those who were closest to me. Best to stay away. That's entertainment. That's reality. If doing something over and over again expecting different results is insanity, then not doing what doesn't work is sane. Visiting home doesn't work.
Or does it? It sort of did. Expecting it to be other than what it is is insane. Keeping expectations in line with reality is not undoable. Enough thinking on this. Not part of my day-to-day life. Exchange of cards and letters when someone dies or on Mother's and Father's Day. Bam! Bam! Bam! Nailed it. A solid single anyway. Singles are good.
My favorite photographic vulva. ~1994.
++++++++++
Fri Aug 15.08
Last night Bamboozled with Buff - today redid The Bowl at work and re-uploaded; yesterday stayed late and combined studio Nine Lives to Rigel Five with special-effected live video - I think it came out alright, considering. Can see why no one else will like it though. Man I loved that music. Man it was magic. Man I was lucky. Man I still love a lot of it! The old stuff. The Red Baron. Metal and Glass. A live Metal and Glass may be next up. I suspect some people disapprove of me putting up the stuff, think it's disrespectful to Scott, or pathetic that I haven't "moved on". Really likely no one who matters gives a fuck. And besides, it's not hurting anyone, it's giving a lot of people pleasure (~9K hits for Erica's Word), and I know - as I did about which of my photographs were best - best, because I do.
Karen back in U.K. My stomach issues remain. Soft creations. Bummed that I was not well the day we spent together - it had potential to be really cool, but I did my best under les than ideal circumstances, really did my best, drove her everywhere, was there for her & Xo when they needed me, exhausted, saying many sad goodbyes, so that is enough.
I kind of the dig The Bowl II video with blue tint, backwards Satie, sped up transitions, the red 'o' - could be a direction. Art is good, if I enjoy it, creating a mood, then it don't matter what anyone thinks. So lucky to have access to the stuff at work. Very very cool.
I am sort of an asshole, making jokes at other people's expense, being mean, insulting - mostly done covered by good humor and willingness to be upfront about what I am, but how much of my saying dad is mean is seeing the meanness in myself - I am not fluffy light happy good natured, more sad angry and bitter. I have my good happy philosophical side, I will kick in to help when someone is on the ground - it's not so much that I'm bad, as I want revenge on life and god and family and humanity for reacting to me the way I react to imperfection. What was it... right, that I looked at sibs and said hah they are on depressants but I'm not, they have health problems - scoliosis, back swerves and I don't - but yeah who kid I, with my decades of self medicating with pot and alcohol, and my funny high-waisted, sway-back torso that pitches forward at the gut. No better. Who kid I?
Last day with Karen and Xo was tough, us both tired, me sick, Xo tired and sad - we got through it, occasionally lost in South San Francisco, I perhaps not great company, Xo restless and crazy... but yeah. Don't worry. Down inside I am grateful and happy for that special day in the middle of nowhere.
And... I miss Josqin and the sadness is moving closer now that I have some time alone... the bunny stuff has been taken from the sidewalk... I get an occasional whiff of bunny, the yeasty end-days smell. Fell so sad - have to hide the dry tears walking down the street. Reading how Zen/Motorcycle guy's son died - his thoughts - helped me to grasp it. Is it a hippie book? Almost seems like the opposite - a reconciliation of East and West - something I have often sensed was missing, and obvious.
Okay... took a 1/3kl - first time since LA two weeks ago. Came home to his carcass. Said I love you. Goodbye. Safe journeys. But he was gone. There's some self-pity for my loss, there's some tears because I miss him and the tragedy of death/life etc, but really I think the mourning process is taking place beneath and around all that, somewhere I can't quite touch, because who can understand death? So... ride it out, and respect the process. Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it's not taking place. I am evolving.
DeYoung museum tomorrow, G&S evening? - Davis for photo albums Sunday? Get a new desk with drawers? A new bed? Book shelves?
I'm babbling a lot in recent weeks' blogs - a sign of my being slightly unhinged by events.
Living in my car... going from house to house in Davis, smoking, drinking, photographing - sometimes it really was fun as I remember. I had a (photography-related!) job, so had some money - which I usually didn't as a student, slept on couches or in Baby, sometimes hung out with bands - Juhos GT, Donnette's bands - The Veil, because I had a camera you know. Eric and his friends/housemates... Jennifer and Tracey in their dorm, then off-campus apartments... 1982-4. A long fucking time ago now. A marriage, tour with Game Theory, work at Big Shot for 14 years, divorce, cottage for 10 years, Josqin live and die, God0father of Xo ago. It is a pivotal point - maybe even more than the Game Theory tours? A time.. of... my first car, first "real" job, developing friendship with the LaFrenieres. Sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Rock and roll. Leather jacket. Fantasy. Escapism. Because life was not what I had hoped it would be. S'how it goes.
The shaver was a shocker.
++++++++++
Wed Aug 13.08
Probably should have called in sick yesterday, but there was no way I could have known how wiped out I'd feel - slept okay, but dang... no spunk... leave work @noon, airport for Karen & Xo, running around not knowing what airline it was.
Drive to... top of Solano, Xo&I nap in car while Karen does bank business; at my suggestion we stop in at Richard's MLK press, then to Saul's for lunch. Xo drugged and cranky woken from her nap, spills pink soup in her dress and, while K washed it, she frolicked and danced on the backs of seats in her underwear with me 'spotting' her. She was a happy girl then.
Black Oak Books - I read to kid's books to Xo in back while Karen buys Peet's coffee and shops.
Liz & Robbie's, hang with Katie & Xo watching Spanish language cartoons. After much talk, packing car, sad crying good-byes (Xo was not enjoying all the hellos and goodbyes, didn't want to leave, but wanted to go home); to Sooz's for happy birthdays (also K&I's anniversary) and good-byes. SF to Erik & Wei-wei's - we get a bit lost - Note to Self: Print out directions and maps! I seem to get lost a lot driving with Karen - nervous? About irritation?
Hang till ~11, they invite to me to Willits hills/river this weekend - Friday - tempting; I always, or too often find it easiest to say no to social invites from people I don't know well - but, you know, give it a chance! What do I have to lose?
Unpack car for last time - we talked a bout Josqin's death, finding him, feeling his presence near, though probably I was feeling my own love for the living rabbit near, because Josqin's spirit was gone, his body lifeless, stiff, room temperature... I felt my love without response and reflection... alone, and so soon to fade...
Tired at work today...~9 now, took 1 Advil PM... get to sleep soon...long night's sleep.
Kind of weird - long visit, lots of events, K&I leaving at different times, K coming back after saying goodbye for just a day. Thankful is what I am. Wow.
Bummed that I was not in top shape for some of KIX visit, and esp yesterday - hated that I couldn't be all there for her, and me, but we had fun, esp with Xo, a couple of very adult talks, about mom and dad being my friends, she said I love you, I said I love you, too - she seemed tired and sad about the goodbyes. She was in a big comfy bed all to herself - sweet dreams sweet Xo.
K at work supposed to show me some In Design. Wanting to do photo/music slideshow videos when it slows down. Some trainings coming up - some I'm putting off because of KIX visit, sickness, fatigue.
A few busy weeks: mess of days off, calling in sick, sometimes really sick, losing my voice, Josqin dying - memorial services for Josqin and Grandaddy - lots of people - one day at work sick, one mourning for Josqin - work folks brought m a bunny in case I wanted him. Very very sweet. My cynicism can't compete.
Josqin added an extra dimension to my life, forced me to go out and ask people to help care for him - Nomad folk, Suzanne - DJ/Buff - , and the Karen connection, family pet, we talked a bit about that, and how much I learned from being with him - communication, territory, friendship, what matters, warm furry pets, liking him licking my hairy arm for hours. When he got sick he wanted to be under the covers next to my body.
Okay - anyway - Josqin.
Western press lying like crazy about Russia - it makes me sick the fairytale they convey. Georgia invaded, attacked, killed, leveled a town - but the U.S. press call it a Russian invasion - no sense confusing the ignorant US masses with the truth - Iraq is almost non-news, al-Qaeda is on the run, we need a new bad guy - them damn Russkies!
Cocksucking pieces of shit.
++++++++++
Mon Aug 11.08
Weary again, after work, but pleased about Bear Valley hike yesterday, beautiful August day in the woods brought back all sorts of memories of summer days - right back to Charleston, to Larchwood Road, to Pittsburgh.
Having a sort of happy moment after work; Starry Plough for corned beef, potatoes, carrots; there's a sort of relief, along with the sorrow and loss, about the freedom from bunny responsibility; good weather, into most exciting end part of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Home for chocolate pudding, stood by Josqin's grave. I'm in a state - transitory - re his death still, don't forget it, go a little slowly, and give myself time to adjust and heal. I'm a little raw.
Leave work early tomorrow to get Karen from airport, drive around Berkeley, and to SF. Get itinerary and directions from email. Bring sandwiches, cheddar bunnies, something for Xo to throw up in, voice activated recorder which I have no use for, the book of prints.
Something is smelly. Use shoes? My imagination? Like ripe fruit... hmp...
Looking at older pics of myself in the photo album... I was getting the double chin and putting on the pounds very soon after leaving Taylor and getting a job - while I was with Lisa - getting thick in the body. That is just me now. To what degree, and for what price, will I adjust to get where. I have no real goal. Losing weight will never make me handsome or desirable husband material. Get real.
rrrr... zzz... war in Georgia - another Bush fuckup. Everything he touches... turns to shit...
Looked for Chae's email yesterday, couldn't find it anywhere... there's probably a point there. I was just gonna ask if she was alive - alove - around, yeah, but, right...
I imagine a woman's body to enjoy, explore, look at, touch, taste, smell_ but, without love... nothing, critical perception takes over - I remember the first time I saw *** completely naked, just, undressed in the cottage, a blur of flesh as the clothes came of in a blur, my mind's eye for a moment judged - skinny, small tits, big hips - slender, reed-like - ew! - then that vision was gone in a flash, effortlessly... and I was swept away with friendly, lustful horny passions... lower she said, even lower...
1995?
++++++++++
Sun Aug 10.08 PM
Had a 1/2 cup of Peet's ~7:30 last night, wrecked my sleep - this morning groggy and unhappy - dreams - trying to get to Pt Reyes. Buff/DJ asked me in for brunch - very yummy, Raspberries and cantaloupe. Told them bunny at work story, talked w/Buff re movies this bachelor week.
Cleaned out Vulvo trunk stuff from cottage, cleaned cottage a bit. Desk is a bummer - always just a space to become cluttered. Not romantic image of tortured artist writing masterpieces and famous letters to famous friends.
Put bunny stuff, food, cage stuff, brushes, water bottle out on sidewalk. Felt pretty sad then. Josqin's not coming back. He's really gone.
Drove to Bear Valley - went through Nicasio route - on way back did San Raphael shortcut. It must have been a long time since I drove to or hiked Bear Valley - much looked unfamiliar. Tired from coffee night, rb'd, it was okay - lots of memories trips, easily back to summer days in West Virginia - looking back, saying goodbye, Josqin's death a reminder that we all do die, and old times can never come back. Some sadness most of the hike, but good to see the old hills and roads I used to travel and hike regularly, like all the time, every weekend - Marin, with Shelley and Becky, Chae.
Ate 1/2 turkey sandwich, apple, peanut energy bar. And a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies on the way home! And at home - kettle popcorn. WF for curry chicken, yogurt, chocolate pudding, two cantaloupes.
Sat: Yardsales - got some cool stuff: pillow covers, books, metal bunny mold halves, Wallace and Grommit clock for Stacey, porcelain lamb head decoration, books. Drop Iain's tea kettle gift of with Robbie and Liz (who has a second Yahoo article coming up), Katie was in her car seat screaming for me and we chatted a bit. Drop by printing press on MLK, discuss Atkins diet with Richard extensively; sounds like we have similar metabolisms, and that Atkins is difficult and requires a lot of discipline. Hmp.
Berkeley Farmer's market for incense, peaches... library for DVD drop-off, pick up two more and picture books. Gas car, home. Pretty much for the night.
This morning, can't find wallet. Stress! Why would it be anywhere but in my pants pocket? When did I last see it? What did I do yesterday late afternoon? I can't remember!! I'm retarded! Look everywhere, then start emptying trash and going through everything slowly. Maybe it was that black guy at the gas station who asked to borrow a tire iron. I hate that I have that prejudice! Doesn't Obama signal the end of the Civil War? But that was the last time I remember seeing my wallet - shit!
I have no money, no driver's license, no cards to get money. I'm screwed! What about by the head of the bed? Yeah, last night I heard something fall and didn't check it out!
My wallet! Thank god!
Enjoyable hike - though wish I wasn't tired, but some very nice moments and perfect weather for it - sunny and warm, but not too hot and a perfect breeze.
Putting up lots of Buzznet shots: bees, erotic flowers, Josqin death stuff.
Good sleep tonight I hope. When do I go in Tuesday? Probably shouldn't at all. We'll see if that Thai lunch on Thursday bought me any goodwill.
Was looking for a suit, or suit coat at the yard sales - went to a Salvation army place on university, too. Nuthin.
Keep looking.
Bear Valley today. Forced myself to go even though my body was weary and mind uninspired. My body handled seven hilly miles just fine. 10 would be no problem. SF hills prepared me for climbs. I think I maybe looked bigger than most of the people I passed. Lots of friendly smiles and helloes. Marin. Damn. Where I belong, I suppose, lost in Whiteyville. Following the safety corridor I pretend to despise, but rely on every day for my health and safety. Obama understands.
Good to get out and clear the mind. Some lovely lovely light and scenery. And occasionally it was very very quiet!
~1990
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Sat Aug 9.08
Fri to work - relatively easy jobs. Feeling better, voice almost 100%.
Yesterday morning dream, police come to my house which is back door of Larchwood Rd basement, accused of child molestation, polite but serious lady cop, I have a vague notion of what might have inspired the charges but not person/event-specific, to the station - scared, I know what they do to accused child-molesters, booked at a desk with another dark-haired young hip guy, we start down darkened stairs into pitch black, below street-level, into the earth. I'm afraid, alone, frightened - telling folks there's no truth to it, that I think I can explain confusion, but how can I with no specific charges? - hoping guy in front of me will find light switch at bottom of stairs, wake up realizing what a nightmare! Scary, frightened - in the dream - for my life and physical health, not expecting anything but brute hostility, bullying, beatings. No control at all over circumstances. No Sympathy.
Maybe I should read The Trial.
Probably unconscious fears around the time I spent with X&K. Hmp. These days one always feels one is being watched and suspected in those situations. I trust that my actions and demeanor, and people's knowledge of my inner workings, will speak for it self.
At work, dept head came in with flowers for co-worker who lost Uncle, and a baby Dutch dwarf rabbit for me! That was an incredibly sweet gesture. A little awkward since I said no, but we all took turns holding him, and actually, I think my holding another bunny was somehow very healing... there are other bunnies.
Sparked thoughts, esp this morning - because, when I got home yesterday, I was overwhelmed by fatigue and passed out for an hour (after optimistically setting my new nap timer for 20mins) - about what Josqin meant to me.
Not just a sick bunny I treated and comforted on my lap near the end:
The scared rabbit in the box Karen took home. The example she set by taking a rabbit we all recognized as 'ours' even though it was Not A Good Idea and Inconvenient! And I did not want a rabbit - I took him because the rules of love required it - I had no room or experience, it was major inconvenience, but that's how it goes and of course the return was beyond words.
And, in the end, the love you take
Is equal to, the love you make.
The rabbit I hung out with at parties
Who flopped on his side in ecstasy
Who threw boxes off of high platforms
Who wedged his head beneath Karen's foot in the bathroom
Who loved baby carrots
Who chewed walls of the bathroom
Who was litter trained (who knew?)
Who stayed with me when K&I were out of town and kept Lisa & I awake throwing around his metal toy with a disturbing bunny rhythm.
Who slowly, but surely - with focused organic increments - took over half the bed, because fair is fair, it seemed - and still seems, to me. Why should he stay caged for years, if he is safe and clean on the bed? And if he has a space and defined abode on the bed, how can I kick him off every night? And why should I, if it makes him happy, and if it makes me happy to have him there. Although, at first, it alarmed some atavistic memories, with a furry, sharp-toothed, territorial mammal living near my feet and my precious, delicate, devourable toes. He wanted my space - he wanted as much as he could get. Only my size kept it from becoming a real rabbit-fight. He recognized that I simply outweighed him - I don't think the pets and food counted for much - he wanted territory more than anything, and would probably have thrown me off the bed if he thought he could have, and taken his chances that I would still have fed him.
The pets and food were just icing. Although I do think he appreciated that I set boundaries - This is MY side! - so there wasn't unsettled tension. When I made the bed in the morning he ran from spot to spot growling - "My side! My side!" - I thought it was a game he enjoyed, but it was a serious game. It *was* his side and don't you forget it!
I learned a lot about communication and territory and.. just everything from him. This is one of the great things about pets.
After 5 years I had a pet. After 10, maybe I get a relationship. If I want it.
Who, when the time came, I took in to my home, because when the abandoned lamb at the little farm I had bonded with with, when he needed a home I didn't step forward: because there were problems with noise and space and other people's opinions, because even though I loved him I was unsure I cold make it work.
So, when Josqin needed a home, and no one else could take him, even though I had deep doubts about my ability to keep a rabbit, I took him in because, as I finally admitted to Karen and Suzanne, I loved him - and they said "Then it will be fine, if you love him everything will be fine."
Ultimately I wasn't able to keep him alive, and I'll need to forgive myself for that - and that forgiveness I trust to come naturally, because I am not required to beat cancer, especially in other beings, especially in rabbits with their fast metabolisms. He didn't die from hunger or heat.
He was not just a big part of my life because of the responsibility and amount of time. He was part of my whole post-Taylor cottage growing learning becoming a full human being experience. Learning what love and responsibility is.
WF last night - thought I might hike early this morning, but no. Maybe Nicasio tomorrow?
Today: Library (last night watched chunks Aguirre, and again with Herzog's commentary - nice! Very cool.) Second hand store for nice clothes. Arboretum. All kinds of things.
Russia retaliates on Georgia for them attacking a breakaway republic. NATO, U.S., territory, oil, cold war - great story with vast implications, a revitalized Russian! - and all the U.S. press can say is John Edwards fucked some woman not his wife several years ago. And them bad, bad Russians are attacking poor Georgia. The U.S. flying Georgian troops back home from Iraq to fight Russia. Sounds like an act of war to me. But the U.S. press? Penis! Penis! Penis! Fuck the news - Penis sells papers!!
I thought the other day, there is something seriously wrong, that my lifestyle has led me to be at least 20 pounds overweight, and single, and not working out or advancing knowledge of my career, treading water, sitting on my ass, spending years online. Something wrong with this picture.
1980.
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Thu Aug 7.08
Yest called in sick, Iain came to get me, I drove us to Target for duffle bag, hang w/Robbie while Iain packs (Liz article on Yahoo), Fatapple's for bacon cheeseburgers/shared fries&choc shake. Goodbyes, 4th street for gift for R&L, then towards airport early - easy traffic and airline counter experience. Sit for sushi, beer/coke, talk his new job/house, me and Dad, me and Shelley - he asked why we broke up and I was honestly stumped, not that I was unsure of my own weaknesses, selfishness and foolishness, but because I couldn't nail 1 good reason, aside from inability to communicate about the most important things when the shitstorm hit. But looking back, looking at where we are presently, obviously we were not looking for the same things. I could have pointed at this or that, but it was out inability or unwillingness to overcome those things. After BC I had serious doubts about the whole thing I think.
Anyway, somber farewells, mi casa es su casa re $.
Home, wired from coffee and sudafeds - still raspy voices, clearing throat, snotty morning, but not so bad, and better now.
Nomad, laundry going across street, trunk stuff etc. Barely slept last night, but - eh! Whatever. So was tired all day but made it through. Bought everyone big Thai feast to make up for being flakey over last two weeks, calling in sick and not focused on work. Obviously, family takes precedence, and pet death, illness, ride to airport with child etc. So it was partially to relive my sense of guilt, fears and all of the above, and it seemed to work. Fun to be back having a big feast, lots of laughs.
Packing laundry, came on his new blue towel, which retained some of his yeasty smell and nearly pushed me over the edge - so that's why I wanted to clear and clean and launder so quickly after his death - to remove his smell, the element that would hit most closely to the heart. Last night I noticed and enjoyed the quiet, the solitude - not having to worry about the fan being on or off, too hot too cold, does he have food water... am I bugging him? Does he need attention? Constant, right there, never more than 10ft away, never out of earshot and hardly out of sight. His bunny smell - rubbing my nose on his nose, rubbing my face on his fury flank - we liked all that - the times we sat quietly forehead to forehead, focused, on his football-shaped body, his soft grinding purrs.
He smelled really good, and in the end smelled yeasty but in a way I liked. Strong. Sweet. And wanting a lot of attention and protection, burying his face between body and arm, just like our first bonding at the snake shop. I enjoyed being the caretaker in the end... only ~2 months! May... June... July.. but I se the pics from late May and he looks pretty good - he had some unsightly bald patches that marred his lovely coat, but not like in the end where there was less fur than skin.
Nah... the decline came fast.. .cancer.. lose fur, lose weight...still eating a lot, still the same rabbit. I miss holding and smelling him like we did in the last month... we went through it together. I would have preferred that he get better. Still working that bone. A lesson is a lesson whenever it comes in life.
Getting near the end of Zen/Motorcycle - left off during visit/events, how funny is that that it happened when Kare/Iain/Xo were here for their granddaddies' memorial? Them being here balanced it with that sense of happiness, and the shared experience - shared responsibility that carries so many happy memories - them gone probably I will feel the loss more deeply, as it should be.
No dinner last night after airport sushi - heater on 2 - mosquito net for the eternal single mosquito - started organizing shots from Mann events for Flickr. Get a Pro account? Sure, why not?
Only one polaroid/art nudes video has been removed from YouTube - the Bowl overlap shots with Marta&Brit, and I assumed it was the frontal nudity/pubes, but since none others have been called (and I pulled most down from angrylambie, while leaving them up on Photographsandmusic for the experiment ) - I'm beginning to believe the nudity was cool and it was the Ms Dynomite song? Should I put it back up with music from Aguirre the Wrath of God? Digitize the DVD, keep the audio.
Iain recommended refurbishing/redesigning cottage. I brought it up to DJ and she was positive. $2K and maybe ask the old man for a partial rent break(?) - redesign so... it is more visually beautiful and less cramped - almost have to be a bunk bed, right? And have to put some of my plastic storage boxes of negatives, proof sheets, drawings, etc in storage. Then, desk against the wall, good shelves, and a good medium-size fridge, so I can eat at home more - that would be healthier and pay for the changes within a year or two. Be realistic about what can be done. A bit more space. A usable desk with drawers. Shelves.
Worth thinking about... look online and at library for small space ideas... some small decorations would make a lot of difference.
Talked to work about mall or part of next Tuesday off to drive Karen around - it'll be a long day, likely into the evening, better to have all day if possible. Play it by ear. At least I'll probably be healthy/no snotty.
Think about it, probably unrealistic, but - a comfortable chair to sit in and read, a book shelf, a desk to type/write at... a fridge with good food... the lack of comfort, now, the humble Spartan simplicity, keeps me from feeling like the old man settled into his chair, disappearing into a fading life, flickering out young... keep me edgy, keep me uncomfortable, owning little, ready to go, ready for the adventure when it arrives...
This 2nd backup laptop from work is working fine - still a good idea to pay $150 for parts and get the fan to fix the other? Sometimes I act like I have $ to throw away. When friends are here, or on vacation, that feels like the right time. If I'm going to enjoy my money, that is the time... with friends... on vacation...
I don't miss work, but it was good to see everyone today, and to email Charelle from NY who is at new job.
The photo albums are ready - this weekend? Why not?
Lots of stuff and contacts... I guess it was good that Josqin went while there was a lot of socializing, so I was not alone and morbid, and K&I were here who understood what it meant to me. Yes. His parents were in town. It's tempting to think he waited till then - but it was simply a, helpful, lovely and poetic coincidence.
Scanned a Julie Doucet for the front page. Put the $800 cash back in the bank. Taking care of business.
1989
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Tue Aug 5.08
Before all is forgotten...
Sat: Party @ Robbie/Liz's, Sooz, Jack, DJ, Buff, Tim, Wife, high school friends of Iain's - Karen called in the morning, I offered to help get party supplies, she said she'd come get me. Sooz was there to say pay respects (with Buff & DJ) at Josqin's grave. I buried him Friday morning. That went smoothly; I felt like I was doing a good thing, and it wasn't as emotionally troubling as I'd expected.
I looked at him when I rewrapped him and his eye was closed, he looked peaceful, even happy - like the times he flopped onto his side in ecstasy. His ears were still soft and smooth. I took my time to make sure it was all done in accordance with the love his family felt for him: wrapped him in the white towel I'd been snuggling him in, his lamb doll friend looking on, sliced bananas and apples, 4 big juicy carrots, greens, part of his cardboard box house... I'd checked the front house, no one home, this was something I needed to do alone.
But he wasn't mine; for the past 4 years his well-being has been mainly my responsibility, and I had by far the most pleasure of his company, but he was the Family Rabbit, Karen & Iain's 1st child, Xo's brother, nephew and friend to Buff, DJ and Sooz.
Anyway - Saturday party: shopped at amazing Hopkins fruit & produce place, Karen taking pics of the piles of colorful glory. Played with Xo&Katie in the backyard while waiting ~3hours for the guests to arrive, naked in the wading pool, playing with the hose, good times. Tim's wife is nice, lots of good conversation, then hung out after for 2 hours talking, snacking - then to Mongol with Brendan, Iain and another HS friend. Fun movie, but after I practically lost my voice - a forced low rasp, my regular voice barely a whisper. Slept badly, stuffed-up and coughing.
Sun: Slept in, Karen called ~ 1(?) about coming over for Josqin respects, I walked down to Nomad for mocha, boiled years-old raman noodles with a can of tuna fish. They arrived with Xo, Karen had wildflower seeds, Iain played something (he'd written?) on DJs penny whistle. Xo really enjoyed the blackberries, and we explained to her about Josqin - she asked me if I still had a bunny, I said he got sick and died and I'd buried him. Probably made not a lick of sense to her. Meaningless at 3, and she hadn't spent enough time with him to feel a loss? Karen explained more. She seemed subdued. I mentioned maybe since I have the cage and bunny supplies that I might get a baby rabbit - that brought he out of it.
Then they said come spend the day with us and come to dinner. Hung downtown - barely able to talk, bummed that I was sick when they were visiting. I sat in car while they ran here and there. Iain hung with me while Xo slept, and filled me in on some of his interesting family history. I've observed bits and pieces, but think I get it pretty well now. Friends came by, Liz came by with Katie. We drove to Totland park and played on swings, spider wed, slicky slide; Richard came by. That was fun. Park with the kids in fun.
Home to Rob/Liz's for pasta/salad (by Karen) dinner with Mica/Alfonso. That was fun, too. A good day, esp considering I was not well. At home loaned them comforter Buff/DJ gave me, assured them I did not need the car - %100 sure. No, that was Saturday night? Friday? Fuck. Comforter must have been ... Thursday night after Gilmore Girls.
Sun night Mica&Alfonso drove me to NBerk BART and I took that home. No prob.
Mon: called in sick and basically spent the day in bed. Got out ~1-2? Walked flat-tired bike to Missing Link, stopped at Long's for meds and Peet's for mocha meds. ML guy pumped tire, said my pump might be faulty.
Biked home, more time in bed. ~8 biked to WF for soup & yogurt.
Tue: Work - that was fine, though my voice was shot. Maybe should have stayed home in bed? Charelle in NY quit; she was sweet, I'll miss her, and who knows maybe even stay in touch, after all our inappropriate IM'ing and personal sharing. That'd be neat.
Bike/WF for salad tonight - no energy - called in sick - see if I can se doc tomorrow morning? Probably lunch with Iain and drive to airport for fun and to spend time. Felt like there was hardly any good-bye with Karen - so much going on. And I'm going to see them When I get them from airport to SF in a week or so.
Having them in town I think balanced some of the terrible downer about losing Josqin. But may be temporary -maybe be tears to shed. Don't suppress. Marge sent a nice card. Get some photo albums this weekend? Brunch?
9:38pm. Sleep. Watch parts of Man Who Fell To Earth.
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Fri Aug 1.08
Went to work yesterday, distracted and a bit sick (from suppressed emotions?), and really cranky until I left - needing to be away from people - irritated by real or perceived intrusion. Getting really cranky. Soon as I left felt better, and better still at home after yogurt and OJ. Even though it was uncomfortable, it was good to go in and get everything in order, enabled me to call in sick today without having to worry about next week.
Sooz/K&Xo picked me up ~6:30 - met Iain at Sooz's for pizza and 5th season GG - Logan's dad and such. Played with Xo - fresh from train ride - walked in the garden and Lisa gave us green beans. Xo is very good about, in the car, saying she's going to throw up and waiting for a cup, holding it neatly. A super neat person.
After, loaned KIX comforter B&DJ gave me, and gave leftover pizza to B/DJ.
Nomad now - mocha, muffin and paper. Feels like Saturday. After, bury Josqin. Ask front house for a little privacy for that. Includes banana, apple, piece of his cardboard box house, cracker, a splash of water, Karen's pink blanket. Some of his favorite things.
I'm remembering the times we sat face-to-face, trying to figure each other out, figuring out a language, of thumps, and body language, trial-and-error, "Do you like this?" If he threw it on the floor, he didn't want it. His body language of contentedness or tension were pretty obvious. Living in a small place like the cottage, in the same bed, we got to know each other and give each other space, or tried to. A lot of little things, one could never be 100% sure the understanding was correct, so you had to do the best you could, step back and let the big picture, bigger than the conscious mind - intuition and more - do its thing. I couldn't control it - the relationship, just do the best I could and watch for signs of it being good or bad. Overall he seemed pretty happy, and I was to, in spite of losing half the bed, because the trade-of was the friendship and companionship.
Learned a lot, about territory, about thinking I know what's best, about communication and affection.
So...a busy week or so:
Thu: Prep for KIX and airport pickup
Fri: Palo Alto camera shop w/K
Sat: Mann family gathering/picnic
Sun: Mann memorial service with memorable Xo and Katie walk along the water: dogs, boats, parks
Mon & Tues: Fly to LA to train, meet Laine at Fox studios, earthquake, home to find Josqin dead
Wed: Called in sick Tues pm - sit at home a lot in mild shock
Thu: Work, GG at Sooz's, call in sick Fri
Fri: Today, bury the bunny and chores (renew prescriptions, videos to Reel, start getting back to normal)
Of things I like in my life, esp around my home, I like the skylight and coming home to a warm mammal - this morning I felt like losing Josqin was a like the skylight being boarded up. A little less light in my life.
I'm a bit embarrassed by this emotional, melodramatic stuff, but, 1.) it's normal and okay and 2.) It's the first time I've lost a close pet, so this is all new to me. Eric says he remembers every one of his rabbits. It is not easy. A big change. A big pleasure gone.
Another picnic tomorrow, and a brief get together at Josqin's grave, bunny memorial service. He had a lot of personality. Get some nice flowers today for the grave. He's still in the fridge. I need to do this, get over it, so I can move on. Three days is about right maybe? Three days wait before the burial. A Buddhist funeral. Remember his life. Burn some incense.
Anything else? It's not about Josqin. He had a good life. He is gone now. It's about the pain in the people left here without him. Not about any one of us. Let it be.
Woke up congested - thick globs of mucus - grawkk-k!! Tuh! Bleagh.
No - no plans - today is Josqin day still - do my things, but no point trying to move on or escape - it will happen on its own.
What are those 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
I must have - in spite of my hopes - been pretty prepared for this - esp when it turned out he'd lost 1/2 a pound in 3 weeks - no mistaking what that was about. Soon as I saw him laying there, there was no doubt - some anger the first day, at myself, and defensive guilt - Bargaining? I dunno, was that when I thought about getting another rabbit - was that denial? Depression, yeah, sure - or sadness - not the same. Acceptance will truly come when I put him in the ground. A moment I am putting off for the moment - but - at noon maybe? That would be nice.
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Wed Jul 30.08
Whew - probably over worst of it, initial shock - living in such a small place Josqin and bunny accoutrements took up a lot of space: Cage, bags of bedding and food, straw, hay, carrots and greens in fridge, banana/popcorn/crackers in cupboard. Dolls, towels, medicine, 2 large carriers, litter boxes and big bags of litter.
Dug grave in main backyard succulent plot, watered in for an hour or so, ~2ft deep. Will include carrots, banana & apple slices, shredded remains of Karen's pink towel, chunk of his cardboard house. He loved his box. It was pretty sad imagining putting him in the earth.
Practice for humans.
They said, after 5 years you can have a pet, after 10 a relationship. It's been 10, and I've been craving human companionship. This may be an opening and opportunity.
I mean, I love my rabbit but - oh you kid!
Throat sore - psychosomatic?
Mostly stayed in the cottage - chatted with Buff re location, his car break-in. Moved bunny stuff into "kitchen" area. Vacuumed cottage, made bed, flipped futons - all fresh and clean.
Noisy raccoons rummaging outside.
Considered going downtown to eat, or to Tilden - but, with what car? Joke was on me. Biked to WF, feeling weak and spiritless, for chicken noodle soup, OJ, yogurt. Headed to produce section, but with nothing to buy now. The adjustments will happen organically. Nothing I need to do I don't think.
Okay - get over it. I mean, don't draw more attention to myself than necessary. I need to take care of myself internally. Almost buried him tonight, but want to offer Karen/Sooz opportunity to add something to burial gifts. The more I think on it, the happier I am K&I are here. It's very good that they were here when it happened, so they can be involved and experience their mourning/healing more directly. And, as Karen said, it's good that he died naturally, and we didn't have to go through having him put down.
Trying to think of all the positives, to keep from crying about how much I will miss him, and how I don't want him to be dead. Go on and cry - get it all out. It's sad, and I'll miss him, he was great, and a friend, and I loved him.
How will I get to Sooz's tomorrow? Straight there from work? Karen drive me home?
Gonna do a Advil PM tonight - wanna be prepared for work.
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Wed Jul 30.08
Well, feeling not so good about Josqin - shaky - tears waiting to be shed - the Toren mourning methods - stormy...
...so many things, I keep thinking of all the stuff I need to do for his upkeep - water, turn on fan, get supplies, feed - suddenly realize there's no need anymore. Shock and numbness - like, what's next? What else do I not need to do.
My first pet I was exclusively to care for, and first death. I am unused to it. 54, and my first death. Hmp. Humans next.
Realizing there really will never be another Josqin Lapin. That makes me very sad. He was so great.
Cage smelled funky last night, so I put it outside.
It might just as well have happened while I slept or worked. Feel guilty, like I let him - and Karen - down - should have taken him to vet sooner. Should have been here, near. Emotional, irrational. Give it time.
Woke up thinking maybe I should go to work rather than sit home and wallow, but decided it was better not to have to deal with a lot of people while distracted and sad. Mourning in public uncomfortable for everyone.
Plus I'm tired from long Mann family event weekend, LA training and Laine visit (and earthquake!) - stayed in bed till ~11am after spotty sleep, tormented by the single mosquito who ruins all our rest. It's always - always - just one mosquito.
Laundry done across the street - go fold when done here at Nomad. Ate, blog'd and bulletined on my MySpace page, emailed everyone on Yahoo who knew him, Buzznet - Shelley put up a really nice memorial photo of her her bunny mourning for Josqin.
Clean out the cottage - don't wallow - bury him soon - keeping him in the fridge is weird - clean the cage, vacuum the corner, chose the burial place I feel best about - in front of the window comes to mind. Accept others' ways of mourning, but politely define my territory. Bunnies are territorial. Unwanted advice can be politely declined.
Fold laundry. Clean cottage. Craig list the bunny supplies?
Should I get another bunny?
No plans today. Tilden solitude might be right. Decided against kl - today is not a day to kill feelings. Eat. I'm a little shaky. Eat and move slowly and deliberately as necessary. Get out for fresh air and sun. I thought Josqin's death would make me feel a loss of connection with K&I, but I'm not feeling that. Just my personal loss. I am feeling Karen has first claim to decisions, as his mother. Glad Sooz got to see him Saturday, and that K&I are in town to be here for it. That is a comfort I think for us all. We can talk tomorrow, Thursday, at Gilmore Girls night.
Okay.
Josqin Lapin, 2000-2008.
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