Wed Oct 1.08 Co-op
Sooz back tomorrow - Willie pretty used to me, talking, demanding attention, though he has eaten very little last few days - hmmm, I'd worry if Sooz was not coming back tomorrow, and he seems okay otherwise, right, I think she told me he sometimes stops eating.
Recession coming on - you know - let it come, we've lived through recessions, why give all the government money - our taxes - for the next 30 years to Wall Street, just to avoid a recession? Because we'd have to give up our empire? Well... give up our empire - we blew it - admit it and humbly beg forgiveness and bring in Obama to get everyone to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. There's no empire to save anyway - Afghanistan and Iraq are both lost, South America is lost - we have European allies, but they hate us for Iraq and dragging us down with out cocked up economic disaster.
You look at what Clinton left us: a huge surplus and an economy that survived the tech bubble burst and 911 attacks with a couple of years of nasty heartburn - and Bush has. Fucked. It. All. Up.
It's enough to make you cry, because he had his hands and decision-making all over everything that went so badly wrong. Bush's wars, Bush's economic policy, Bush's oil policy, Bush's NATO in Russia's face policy, Bush's New Orleans policy. They were his plans, his people, his management style, his attitude towards government. Bush.
And now the same idiots want creationist, young earther, speaking in tongues Palin as President after kill'em all and let God sort them out McCain. Oh. My. God.
They say if we don't give them Trillion dollars no questions asked - not even a thanks, or a promise to do better in the future in return - there will be economic troubles. Well, if we give away $700T that will also cause troubles - where does the money for infrastructure or healthcare or green technology come from? The marketplace unleashed? I think we've just experienced the long, hard, dry ass fuck of the marketplace, no thanks. Let the market fix itself - the people of the United States can use that $7T better than your corporate friends Paulsen the Pirate. Fuck you. No Fuck You!
Soreness in my middle back, right side, kept me awake a lot of last night - annoying - distracting. I took an Advil PM and got some sleep. Then a 1/2 vik at work, then another when it didn't help, and 1/4 kl, thinking it might be from tension from economy lies and thievery, and John H's b-day. Not much help - even with a whole vik - so, figuring it to be at least partially mental, took another 1/2 kl at home. Still no help. Back still hurts, and I barely feel the vik or kl...!?! Weird. Okay. Whatever. Take another 1/2? Hmp.
Work is work. Willie is Willie, The cottage is a mess, I don't seem to mind. Friday I should be back on YouTube interactively. I could do a video about a sock puppet named YouTube that is always sucking another sock puppet called angrylambie's dick. That'd show'em.
Been laying a little low socially - the party was a little harrowing, and while lots has changed, the core distrust has not. They just don't get it. Clueless, in this case, is potentially dangerous. Clueless makes you ruin rock gigs. Clueless makes you destroy a person's favorite mediation corner. Clueless makes you think your ex wants to celebrate anniversaries in the wake of a nasty divorce. Drugs make you clueless.
Anyway - again - if part of reclaiming a bit of a relationship with Marge and John means negotiating a truce, I'll do it. But I will sleep with one eyes open and be wary and on the lookout for sudden loves and sneaky ploys disguised as acts of friendship. Don't invite me to party dude, all is not forgiven.
But, I'll be there for John and Marge if they want - because they never never never put in the boot, especially not when I was already down. A bit too much class and heart for that.
Anyway - talk kl at home for sleep. Leave soon? Since I don't drink or smoke... a kl is the happy median.
Okay. Intentional attempt to capture a 60s style hippie poster. Fun to try - and add a little something of ,my own. - the attitude, strong woman, direct eye contact - not innocent teenybopper mind blown on acid waiting to get experienced with several men's diseased penises.
++++++++++++
Tue Sep 30.08
Evening with Willie, Sooz back Thursday, so visit again tomorrow night, skip VP debate - work fairly easy - interesting exchanges with some Buzznet folks, a couple of featured photos lately of photos I like (Flea hippie, bus with broken window from Davis). Intense dreams this morning. No more morning dizziness - I think I was sick for ~5 weeks, the build up dizziness, respiratory stuff, lost voice, general physical and mental lameness. Seem to be all better now. Renewed meds prescriptions (atenolol and klinopin).
In spite of big economy problems and years of recession coming on fast, world looking on with barely suppressed glee as U.S. is hoisted on its own petard. It's a slightly new world on Wall Street - we'll see - government is trying to scare us so badly, like they did with Iraq, so no way to tell if they're lying - but they promised the end of the world if that $700B wasn't handed over last week with no questions asked, and by god, here we are, still standing, and stock market has not collapsed.
Hmmm. Maybe the situation is not so dire. Maybe we should take our recession hit, downscale the empire, build our equity back up and take our medicine like a man? But some big head is telling us there's a scary man at the door in a black suit and we need to give him our life's savings, and our children's life's savings, and suck his cock with real enthusiasm while we do it. Oh, and a pinky up his ass please, yes - that's good!
By their actions I'd say yes - the $700B takeover bailout was pure Wall Street theft by the ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs - meaning, no concern at all about the people of the United States - what's good for Wall Street is good for the American people, now shut-up and give us 30 years worth of revenue/tax dollars, what were you going to use it for anyway? - educating your children? Paving your roads? Getting healthcare? Fuck that! We need more vacation homes douchebags!
The soreness, stiffness, sore teeth I was having for years - gone away now. hmmm - the undiscovered cancer has probably eaten away the parts of my brain and spinal cord that feel pain, causing my body to stop trying to send signals of collapse. It will be quick. walking down the street, looking at some store's marquee, a dizzy spell, nothing to worry about, like a dream - suddenly my cheat hurts real bad - kneel down on the sidewalk - lay down - OW! I love you Mommy! *blink*
Or the sudden weightless shattering of a screeching car that jumped the curb with a drunk or heart attack behind the wheel. Bump - ow! - what - a car - fuck... *blink*
Street crime! There we go... all the government scare tactics have got me in fear of death - their intent - give us your money or you're all going to die - fuck you. We'll die - and take you down with us! Fuck you! Liars! Thieves! Traitors!
Anyway... goodnight.
Last nude for the month - maybe none in October after self-indulgent big ones this month? And try a day or so with few hits from work, to see about that high count, if there's any reason for concern. Flea hippie - our first shoot - so... ~1987? When we first moved there? Was Shelley in Game Theory? In Albany, Shelley at the Albany Spa, Marta & her masseuses - hmp. Well, late 80s anyways - between move to Albany and the Ralph/Jenni College scene. Before CCAC?
++++++++++++
Mon Sep 29.08
Quick one - in bed - came home to drunk Buff&DJ and disappointing and few nude pictures by husband of Sexual Life of Catherine M self-inflicted true-story porn intellectual artist author who really defines not being able to get "enough". Even if there is such a thing as 'enough', she would not be able to get it.
Congress voted down the $700B bailout. Good! Take your fucking time and do it right - rushing something this big is more dangerous than taking a few weeks and doing it right. Pretty exciting historical event. There's a gonna be a recession - maybe a big long one - we'll be needing that Trilion fucking dollars, so fuck you Paulson and your Wall Street buddies.
Feeling good - pumped after Saturday party and restful Sunday - strong, having survived, felt my feelings, didn't freak, put some past stuff into the past so I can deal better with the present. Cool.
Laptop screen dying... uh-oh.
Maybe the guy at work will combine them for me?
Big Shot ~1992 for swapping. Fun.
++++++++++++
Sun Sep 28.08 II
This morning: Italian eggs/side of bacon/coffee at Homemade Cafe. Sort of a celebration of the event and the emotional high, and surviving, not blowing it. Then to Nomad to blog - and home to sequester myself and come down easy - Buff/DJ invited me in to eat and out to help with brick laying, but I was still overwhelmed - need along time - nap; in a slight daze and feeling much more settled than this morning, drive to Telegraph for 25¢ books (Madding Crowd, ee cummings, Christians loving Israel), La Fiesta, Moes. Car wash, Sooz's to hang with Willie and continue to plough through 2ns season GGs. There were ants in the cat food in the bathtub. Bummer. Ants.
Okay, so - like I told Buff, it was big - not bad. I suppose I could not have handled it 5 years ago - maybe even more recently - but you do things for the right reason, not based on comfort. A lesson for my own family situation. I
++++++++++++
Sun Sep 28.08 I
Okay - so, for me - history.
Easy traffic on the way up. I had chatted with Buff through the kitchen window and he invited me in for a much needed and appreciated breakfast. we discussed the situation a bit, including whether to use meds or not. A lot of playing things by ear - only thing I could be sure of was that I was going, and I had to prepare for everything else to be unpredictable. Had to trust myself 100%.
Left ~1:00, gassed up, filled the front right slow-leaking tire on my mucky from tree-bug juice Vulvo.
Drove fast - no prob. Thought it all through - not too nervous. Took four 1/4 kl's in orange plastic container in my brightly-colored Chile bag from Sooz. And digicam. Some escapist sexual fantasizing (growing in popularity is Don Juan'ing my way through many innocent, but curious and enthusiastic, spiritually immature summer camps waifs ready and oh-so-very-willing to climb my trunk-like, indefatigable column to Nirvana then piss off and, while I nap like a fresh-fed lion, bring me back their likewise curious friends) - I'm finding it to be a good way to distract myself form what needs thinking about -
- then got down to it, and bottom line was, though there were indeed unforgivable things (though if they admitted they went overboard in the personal destruction department and apologized that would show remorse which is one of the main ways it seems that judges determine sentences) it was John's day, and as a gift to him I would leave all the bad feelings at the gate. And I did.
Took 1/4 kl ~15min post-arrival, while driving, with big slugs from gallon water jug.
But it was tough and uncomfortable being there, - I saw the red van in front, so I knew they were there, behind the fence, but there was no question of flight - except mostly it was okay when I was talking to someone, a long chat with Elliot and his wife about raising children and the philosophy of giving and right living. I said "Hi" to Chris twice, once alone by accident in Marge's house - "Hi!" - the minimum. Awkward!!! Maybe fence posts don't feel awkward - but it looked like it. Chatted for a moment with S, but only because it I accidentally wound up having to squeeze past her table on the way to the punch bowl (strictly non-alcoholic all day); she asked about my family, older than John Henry, all sibs alive and well. About chickens and the joy of chasing them with a hose. Okay - so, the ice is broken - "Hi", family and chickens.
Mike Zimmerman was there - for some reason I had particularly strong feelings around him -, Elliot's son, Annie and Mary from Oregon's Mom.
Biggest surprise was that, though I had tried to anticipate further back, I couldn't help but use the ten-year mark - since the divorce - to gage expectation of people's appearance, but for a lot of people it had been 12-15-20 years - people were heavier and grayer - older - than I'd expected. These sorts of events have dream-like quality, though my feet were on the ground all afternoon and felt absolutely engaged and present. This had been my family - poignant was maybe the word - I have vague notion that by the time 1997 rolled around I was not on good term with lots of them - being a meth asshole will do that for you - at times I felt that people had missed me, were watching me, but it wasn't uncomfortable or distracting. I was there for John - thank god for that anchor. Keep me serene.
But it wore me down, and afterwards it all came out - I didn't realize! Or I'd forgotten, what I lost when I lost the connection to Shelley, I lost the family and their circle of friends. The holiday events. The vibe. The circle who love J&M. At divorce time I think I was aware that that hurt deeply, but there was nothing I could do about it, and there was the necessity of keeping on moving forward and surviving - learning survival skills, getting along with people, being able to behave properly in society - daily showers for god's sake - one foot in front of the other - while getting my head out of my ass, quitting drinking, and etc etc. Anyway - I forgot how much I'd lost... thought I didn't care - never even thought of it the last many years - then I was there and oh fuck "I miss these people." It brought all the sadness back - but I saved it for the cemetery after, a little funny-sounding, wet-eyed, tearless man-crying on my knees and later on my ass. Good to have wound up in the isolated place. Caught me by surprise, but also felt real and right. It was sad. Not drama-queening. Walked around back cemetery field - where I used to walk some Snyder Street mornings - lots of fleeing groups of tall-eared jack rabbits, squads of wild-turkeys, falcons and voles. Strolled through a bunch of old hippie-type farm buildings and took art photos. Good to have something to do to focus my mind.
Sex and photography - some combination! Past Jane's old place - traditional romantic/sexual pilgrimage - campus to stroll through art department as sun set - sweet smell of turpentine in painting studio; downtown for frozen yogurt with raspberries and strawberries.
Okay - main house looked the same to me - furniture moved and replaced, but basic layout same. I was going to leave after ~30 minutes, but Marge said stay for cake. Paid my birthday respects to John, told him how I felt about him - a little surprised at the easy intimacy and deep feelings, but it is John Henry.
Some of the things I want to remember - things said and done - are too intimate for here - that's unusual, not for public consumption. Maybe I need to write them down here unlinked?, or maybe they are memorable enough because of depth of the emotions, maybe no need to write them down at all. We were happy. John was turning 80 and in good health. I was coming back into the fold as an adult, not an aging child trying to live out my youthful fantasies. A fat gray adult, but hell, happens to the best of us.
John suggested farm next time - I said not next time, but it's on the horizon now. A far, distant horizon. No interest at all in visiting farm while C is there. That is a conundrum. I don't trust him, and have good reason not to. He has shown no remorse, so I can't trust him not to fuck me again. S, would be more doable - I can make allowances that can be a foundation to regain trust. But someone tell me why I should lay in front of any car C is driving and trust he won't hit the accelerator. Not likely.
I was there. I went where they were when the motivation existed. John Henry's 80th birthday. Now the ice is broken. See where the ice flow goes.
Anything else? It was a beautiful day. everyone was very friendly - esp the LaFreniere men. Funny, huh? It surprises me when it comes to Mark, because I was such an ass around him, mocking him as straight - maybe the letter I wrote him after the DUI had impact. Now see? Where's my letter, douchebag!? Hah hah hah. Marge probably told them to make me feel welcome. Thank you.
Yeah, I was hoping he noticed - attention vs. neglect and (in my bitter fantasies) wondering about her decision. It's a bitter self-destructive poison, don't feed it, don't make excuses or encourage it - it's bad for everyone. John wanted me there for his birthday. Marge and John want me to visit the farm. They are inviting me in. Not for C or S's sake, but for theirs', a step I need to take to close a sorry chapter. Time to move on, live and let live.
Captain Kirk. I shall consider it.
Shot video clips yesterday - and photos - put the clips on YouTube and sent link to Marge, will get prints made at Long's for Marge.
Yes - cemetery afterwards... took another 1/4 kl somewhere between party and cemetery... walked and just about fell. Well, did fall. What was going on? - oh, my god - unprepared for the memories of sorrow of loss, but recognized immediately - it was the poignant confused feelings I saw in his eyes, looking up from the pool - where he'd thrown himself fully clothed moments before, happy to see me, maybe a little surprised at his own feelings - totally unexpected - maybe imagined, maybe a reflection of my own feelings - all I was thinking about when I arrived was S&C, M&J, maybe Terry - who wasn't even there - no, these others, familiar faces from 10-20 years ago. I missed you - more than I knew. I want to see you more. To see you as we grow old. To accomplish that I may need to swallow my bile, no matter how justified it may be - maybe I don't need to let his lack of honor or remorse keep me from accepting the invitation I'm being offered. Stop carrying the flag of the righteous wounded.
Walking wounded. Like a badge. This is how you know I've got honor - because I snub and avoid him. Ignore that fear behind the curtain. How about I show the heart of a lion by playing it smart, being around unafraid, making small talk when I must, getting what's there for me and letting him alone.
Think about it. I think I see the way forward. Be political. It's the art of the possible. It's diplomatic. It's up to me - what am I willing to trade up for? Benign neglect - no - neutrality. Acknowledging matter taking up space - I cannot put my hand through it - but I needn't treat it with any more respect than I would a door or criminal. It serves a utilitarian purpose. One hand on my wallet, an eye on the time, knowing the way to the door, an ever-ready excuse that I really must be going. So sorry. No fear. And also no intimacy. Small talk.
Small talk.
Apparently a lot of people knew I would be there. Okay, so there was a bit - maybe a large bit - of Kabuki yesterday. Maybe that's why specific events don't seem that important - they simply overlaid what was happening, the shifting tectonic plates - the tensions builds for decades, then - a tremor.
This is all too much - knowing who may read it - but, hasn't killed me yet, so it must have made me stronger. So it stays.
How much is my own guilt - Catholic and otherwise - a LOT!!! Sorry. Where's my letter to her, douchebag!?!
++++++++++++
Sat Sep 27.08 II
Holy fuck. Maybe I'm even stronger than I thought.
++++++++++++
Sat Sep 27.08 I
Stinky guy here Nomad - my complaints go ignored obviously - stinky guy in small, crowded coffee shoppe is A-okay! Ok. Alright. I've been a stinky guy. Dig it.
Willie last night - GG's - ; first few visits Willie was standoffish - now he spends more time on my lap, and insists on more attention and play. We played "throw blanket on kitty" game, then poke at him through blanket while he talks and snarls at me from underneath. That was fun!
John Henry's 80s today. I'd got it mixed in my head with an October wedding that would have meant no Chris presence, and was aware that I was trying to "accidentally" miss it. I'd rather not go. A small dash of laziness: I'd rather spend the day in bed, or at the Nomad and library; by far the largest reason is I'd rather not have to go through the discomfort; but John Henry says he wants me there and that settles it.
80. Goddam. Good show John!
Woke up at 6:30 tripping about the past, Beth C and other Davis memories - she stands out for some reason: for one, I really liked her and have sweet memories of walking around Davis in the rain, kissing on the sidewalk by the park, hanging out, driving, walking the fields, watching sunsets with Eric and crew. Holding hands in the backseat.
There's a distinct split between Berkeley and Davis - town and country - work and college. The dorm I stayed in while looking for a room to rent - how did I arrange that place and pay for it? What did it look like and where was it? I have no idea. Talking Heads for a buck at a downtown club on G street. Chris, Allen and the rest on 1008 Snyder.
As I relate to Davis this morning - it seems big, romantic, a novel - drenched and sopping with memories. Beth C stands out perhaps because I'd just moved into my car and she represented home, or - at least a roof, warmth and tender affection and discovery.
3 years of college - art classes - Whole Earth Festival photographer - X-Men/Alternate Learning/Game Theory - marriage - divorce. My mind sees the 4 years 1978-82 and thinks of that as "Davis", but the weekend partying while living in Baby, and marriage, added 16 years between then and 1998 - so, 1978-98. 20 years of memories, all ending in disappointment, loneliness and defeat. Good lessons, they serve me well now, when I listen.
Okay, stop.
Woke at 6:15, Internet till 8:15, back to sleep for an hour, shower, now Nomad for laundry, 'cause if I'm going into what should be a tricky situation I want to feel comfortable and at my best. To med, or not to med? I'm not feeling the need this morning - everything seems about as it ought - no more tense than I ought to be. Maybe 1/4 on the way, or upon arrival. And I can always leave - have a ready excuse ("Sorry, I just shit my pants. Gotta run.")
Stay no more than two hours. No shaking hands with them. Or - should I fake it till I make it? Now I'm feeling "they" haven't earned it - my respect - but that may be a fallacy based on decade-old memories. Be prepared for anything. Take the bull by the horns. Don't ride the donkey backwards.
Can't cross a bridge until I come to it. I fear my own defensive smugness and anger and hurt as much or more than incoming fire. When "they" - "she" - acts like there's nothing wrong, it reminds me of my parents never acknowledging there's a wound that needs healing discussion, or - worse than not acknowledging it - not even recognizing its existence, and reacting with genuine concern towards some poor soul who hasn't gotten over "it" - whatever "it" is, and onto the side of the fence with what? Jesus? Crystal clear denial?
When there's something clearly wrong, that any reasonable person can see is wrong, and the person you are at odds with doesn't acknowledge it, how do you interact with that person? Well, I don't.
So, there will probably be no verbal breakthroughs of the sort I thought I needed - or think I need. I expect to be a different person tomorrow. It's a big step forward that I'm going. I feel the weight of past years shedding off this morning and as I write these words. The past is fading into the past. I will be less neurotic. I am already - the visit - the seeing - the qualifying of importance is happening. Healing is happening. Pulling off the scabs, seeing old truths become false or disappearing entirely. Fear of pain more intense than any pain.
It doesn't actually hurt to notice that the wound I thought was there healed years ago, and I've just been afraid to look. Check myself. Run psychic healing hands over every inch of my being. I imagine fewer wounds than I'd imagine.
When John said, "I want you at my birthday party." and "There won't be any tension." and I said "If you want me there, then I'll be there." I became a different person, because I saw that I was capable of genuinely caring about someone other than myself, so much that I would face down some of my worst demons to please him. That was a great life gift channeled through John. He was always good and generous to me, as was Marge.
Okay - laundry will be dry in 5 minutes - it's 11 - I figured to leave around noon - pick up food at WF, gas up Vulvo - arrive in Davis ~2pm in time for food. Pay my respects to John, say helloes to people I have not seen for ten years. Be sensitive, especially to John's wishes - I suspect an appearance will be enough - this event is not the main event, it's a result of the reconnecting with John and Marge I started this year - was it this year? Just a result. Will not change a anything.
It's not like I've been wanting anything from S&C, or have any desire to reconnect - so it will not restart or renew that. I want nothing from them, not even cemetery stones - especially not cemetery stones! All I want to do is see them with my eyes, in a relatively safe environment - though I'll take what I can get - because it will somehow, I'm sure - though I don't know why - it will help me get past the bad memories, realize how disconnected and unimportant it all is to me now. I'll see that I can be near them and will not be destroyed, humiliated or shamed. They no longer have that power, - because for a while, when they went to our mutual friends and slandered me and tried to bury me alive - they did have that power. And S could have destroyed any image I'd tried to create of being 'Good" - trying to be innocent in my heart, having been raised with Jesus as a role model - could have completely shredded that - which, oddly - maybe I fear that most - how completely I irrevocably failed my ideals. It's understandable - I'm human - I was a live sex wire - but it still was a complete failure I haven't faced. Because I wanted everything else other than what I had - so I lived a lie of pretense for years.
Ow....
Not no more. I'm free of them. They outstanding in their field - lie into the wind and the lies blow away, no longer a threat to me, no longer more powerful, while I bundle off to my shack with nothing except a brand new job that I don't know how to do.
In theory - maybe I am - but I'm not free of my fears.
10 years later - here I am, and - though I think I want to stand up next to them, and look them in the eye and say "See how well I've done." - it don't mean a thing. Except - hah! - maybe it means, "Hah! Look! You failed in your attempt to destroy me! Hah!"
All this will be gotten rid of - I'm so happy. Better is better than worse.
++++++++++++
Thu Sep 25.08
Slept well last night - easy day at work; which is good, because my enthusiasm has been low all year. Trying to buck up and make best of it. What with economy about to implode, and possibility of McCain/Palin winning it by crude politicking and trickery - there's too much in the real world that is bound to get me down; in my personal and professional life I should make an effort to keep myself up. Otherwise it's be nothing but gloom and bitching all the time. Plus, everyone is going to be in the same bad boat, and one more bitch - me - will not help, or be appreciated.
Plus, ultimately, staying down can lead to substance, or other less hedonistic, emotional or psychic self-abuse - keep on the right path. Simply not drinking or drugging is by itself not enough. Concept to remember: Dry drunks.
So, buck up! :-)
Negotiations continue for bailout. Paulson blew the rollout with his imperious, tin-eared demands for dictatorial power and total lack of judicial or legislative accountability; now McCain forced himself in where he's not wanted or needed, so even more politics will muck up the works.
Palin - as a furious Davis Letterman (who dissed McCain beautifully for bailing on his show) pointedly pointed out - Palin is incompetent to campaign for McCain while he's indisposed. What if McCain was President and became indisposed - Palin is incompetent,,, so... what? She'd trust her judgment because Jesus is her lord? God help us!
Katie Couric interviewed Palin - to Couric's credit she could barely disguise her contempt for the shallow, stupid bimbo VP nominee - yes, I now think she's stupid - Palin's stilted, nervous, talking-point answers and her whole amateur-hour demeanor, her big hair, big jaw, big glasses, big tits - was depressing to behold. I had to turn it off. I shudder for my country, and for the world if she is elected into high office. Christ almighty! We need competence and experience, not her nervous, fumbling backwoods bantering.
After work, City Lights - scanned 1984 - scary book. Grant through Union Square to Bart - in a daze. Get reconnected and reinvigorated. Don't go through life - even these rough days - like a zombie! I'm not drinking - that's good, or using anything else. Even the kl, I don't like to residual dopiness, mild as it is. Work has been very demoralizing, but it's no good going in every day disliking it, shrinking from tougher, more boring jobs. Find reasons to like it - take bad with good. Make it work. I can do that.
No contact with Iain/Karen for weeks - they very busy - the last visit very intense - memorial service and all, two 3-year-olds -, Josqin's death and my being ill the whole time. Just a little break. But not in my heart.
Going in early tomorrow for slide design module. Next week maybe buy donuts for the new floor? We are hidden away. How many donuts can I get for $100? 200 donuts! That'd be cool! Good for the department, good for me. I'll have to live with the bitterness, and self-aggrandizing - because in the long run, it works for everybody, and especially for me. I'm smart that way. Making friends and influencing people. Thank you JAA for the life lesson.
No visit Willie tonight - tomorrow -
I love this shade of purpose! Yesterday took down 1975 nude by Anne Goodw.
++++++++++++
Wed Sep 24.08
Okay - right - McCain starts falling behind big time, partially because of economic collapse, but also I think a lot of folks who were charmed at first by Palin are beginning to recognize her as the 'disaster waiting to happen' that she is. The thought of her as president in these precarious times - really frightening; and I'm sure to the rest of the world, too. So McCain, ever the desperate politician, suspends his campaign and tries to cancel a debate - hah! Pathetic. Loser.
10-hr day today - with unexpected additional module at end of day, it came to about 7 hours of training and another hour of prep. But it came together - by the end I felt okay. I was getting friendly looks and comments - a bit of bonding mad taken place, which was nice because Tuesday morning's 2 hours was kind of rough, not at my best from fatigue and stress confusion.
K at work was unhappy today. To cheer her up, after careful consideration of my motives, I brought her a lily, which she liked. Hmp.|
No training tomorrow. Spent evening with Willie - who was very talkative - multiple GG's, some time on my lap, finally fell asleep - so cute!! - on the blanket next to me on the couch.
So, today was mostly work - some film editing. Hard work. Challenging. But I rose to the occasion - weaknesses and all - and in the end succeeded, and triumphed over my self-doubts. So - cool!
1991 - in the end I was a drunk, miserable mess and friends like her were worried about me - found my bottom.
++++++++++++
Tue Sep 23.08
Not a great day, but a great day - well, training went okay, but I was weary, wobbly & stressed from bad sleep. Just took an Advil PM and gonna hit the "hay" early - 8:30'0sh - it's been dark since 7. Shit - Summer's through. Tomorrow, in early again - up at 5:30am, train 8-11, then again after lunch. Then spent most the rest of day photoshopping portraits and making welcome flyers. Gimme Photoshop/photography jobs. Fine.
Was Sunday's stress-out partially from forgetting to take at Saturday - that would make sense. 1-day? Really? Nah - I'm paying too much attention maybe, reading - and re-reading - online articles right up till lights out. That's not wise. But Paulson and the Fed certainly painted it up to look like: unless $700B of taxpayers money was handed over free and clear fo his personal use - on faith, on trust - then Monday we would possibly see the collapse of the American economy. It was a scare tactic, and it worked - until we heard the details - and the details sound like Wall Street's plan to bail out Wall Street - not a fair and wise plan. So push back, man - push back fellows - American's are saying "NO!!!", and there are elections in 6 weeks, motherfuckers.
Put on some music softly at work. That helps. Folks next door say fine.
Tonight dropped videos at library and Reel - but mostly resting my worn out mind - lots of training tomorrow - it'll be fun if I'm rested and well-fed. Last night, hung with Willie at the co-op and 2nd season GG's. I'm not eating right - skipping dinner and just snacking. That doesn't help. Eat right - feel good - don't do this fall-apart when things get stressful - what? Do I enjoy it? Such a drama queen! Relax. Take a deep breath. It's all good.
She would be... ~45?
++++++++++++
Mon Sep 22.08
Slept fitfully over-full of food & coastal kl/rb and endless noisy gusty wind. A little crazy from stress.
The new place at work is not the dark den I'd feared, but it is wrong, we are too far apart, the printer is in another room, it's crowded - we can barely move and stand without bumping into each other. At least there are walls between cubicles and big windows - I'm settled in already, into the corner of my choice, so that worked - but non-stop conversations from dept next door promises to be an annoyance. Fuck. We all sort of hate it. I may have to do that "How to Break a Department: 2008" presentation after all.
The economy is collapsing, and the country and empire with it. Can't have an empire if you ain't got the gilt. Jesus, it only took Bush ~8 years to destroy us - a country at its peak! And his overreaction makes us - Russian in 1988...
1989: Russia invades Afghanistan what - 1978? Russian uses harsh tactics to fight the CIA-sponsored Muslim fighters causing Russia to lose moral authority; allies turn against them; their army is weakened and demoralized, but they can't just leave without losing face. So they borrow and spend until their economy is ruined. They can't afford their empire - so it collapses and the Western Powers fill the void.
2008: The U.S. invades Afghanistan and Iraq. We use harsh tactics to fight the Pakistan- and Iranian-sponsored Muslim fighters causing us to lose moral authority; allies turn against us; our army is weakened and demoralized, but we can't just leave without losing face. So we borrow and spend until our economy is ruined. We can't afford our empire - so it collapses and China and a resurgent Russia fill the void.
Russia was in very sad shape for 10 years, until a strong man - Putin - took control.
The United States can come back, but it could be 10 years, and it could take a man with dictatorial powers - The Paulsen fellow fits the bill - who the fuck is he, friend to Wall Street - to waltz in demanding action now now now - he has been wrong for the last 2 years about the state of the economy, and now he wants unlimited power with no oversight? He wants a Trillion+ borrowed dollars with not even a faint guarantee of success?
How about we pull the fuck out of Iraq and re-fucking-trench. Israel can suck on Mom Russia's sugar teat, then China - backing the Arabs and swimming in Iraqi oil - and Russia can battle things out in the Mideast while the U.S. licks our isolationist wounds.
It almost sounds like Paulson's cure is worse than the disease. The system is dying, on life support. When old, respectable Wall Street firms are dying like the have been, it's a sure sign that the whole system is rotted through, and no bailing-out of rich fuckers will save it. What - the balls - Paulson says no help for the little folk, no limits on compensation for the people who ruined the economy, no help with mortgages - just give a Trillion - for starters - to the fuckers who broke the bank, and hope they'll do better next time. But no one believes it will work - so it's just throwing good money after bad. And no doubt at all that he will be back in 6 months asking for another Trillion, then another, because once you're committed you're in all the way.
The United States' economic system is broken and dying - which means the government is dying, too. It's all downhill from here, until circumstances - unforeseeable to us from this vantage point - alien largesse? - lift us slowly out of George Bush's disaster.
So, if the bursting of the housing market bubble has a predictable and unavoidable disastrous outcome - it's gonna come down like an avalanche no matter what we do - the rotten fruit can not be put back on the limb - , what is the point of giving unelected Paulson dictatorial powers and all the money he wants without limit or advice and consent? Who elected this motherfucker? George Bush last time I checked. The most Paulson can do is slow down the collapse. Why not let it collapse at its natural gait - then rebuild? It would be the capitalist way! Why pointlessly throw a generation's worth of gold into the money pit?
Socialism for Wall Street, Capitalism for the working class.
I'm not into the nihilistic, fuck it, let Armageddon come, Gabriel blow your horn thing - but without some assurance that Bernanke and Paulsen have a fucking clue what they're doing - which is not all all apparent - I'd say, Nancy Pelosi, take all the time you need pushing that bill through, load it up with help for the working class: Extended unemployment benefits and training programs. And no bailing out foreign firms. And oversight so far up his ass you can see it in his eyes! The Republican won't dare refuse. It's win-win for everyone.
The nerve of Paulson!: We can't put restrictions of compensation because if it's punitive the companies won't go along with the bailout? If a CEO would rather let the company go under than accept $10M instead of $30M for failing to run the company properly, then what does that make him? A fucking criminal. Is that really what Paulson is saying!?! Sounds more like blackmail than bailout. Fuck them then - let them die.
It's Russia in 1989; the walls of United States Imperialism and hegemony are crumbling - we reached too far and got burned by the sun of a united world, because all we offered was endless war, torture, loss of human rights, arrogance and greed - bottomless support for Israeli murder, land theft and war crimes. And no one followed. They chained our feet, undermined us, refused to support our wars, and now watch with fascinated horror as the monster we have become thrashes and roars in disbelief - we thought it didn't matter that the world didn't love us, we thought it was enough that they feared us. Think again... it's important to be liked, or at least respected.
Now we are Wiley Coyote screeching to a halt in mid-air a mile above the canyon floor, holding an anvil with a look of doom... GULP!, indeed... eeeeerrrrrr - - - - - - puff!!!
No kidding - we're fucked. The optimists are saying it's a 3-year recession. Hah! That would be great. We are way more fucked than that.
Get real - it's Depression time - time for tent cities, living in cars, a crime wave, riots in the streets, a resurgence of socialism and communism. Good times. 8-10 years to recover - but we'll never be the same. It's China's century - we're just living in it. Should be quite a show!
And - it all... comes down.... to Bush. Gambling - and losing - on Iraqi oil. Jesus let us down. Why has thou forsaken me?
And stuff.
Kim. Colleen. Becky. Is that all the Big Shot women I shot? Denise from Walnut Creek.
++++++++++++
Sun Sep 21.08 II
Six-hour loop, Russian River - 7 miles north of River Rd , down to Guerneville for chocolate ice cream with banana and perfect weather. 2 1/4 kl, rb. No alcohol. No getting my mind to entirely unwind - with everything going on that's natural, the potential economic collapse of our country.
Isn't that what happened to The Soviet Union? - wasn't that Osama's plan, and now it seems to be working on the U.S., too - over-extended in an endless Afghanistan war - The Great Game, - population demoralized and angry - in the American fairy tale, we broke the Soviet Union economically by engaging it in an arms race, and now Osama has engaged us in a war we cannot win, or leave, so we are broke. And the Soviets only had Afghanistan - we also have Iraq. Time to say sorry, we did the best we could, but we have an emergency at home, sorry to have to dash, but get the fuck out of our way.
Sigh...
Stopped at several places - decide not to brave gusty winds to get feet wet; enjoyed drippy sweet orange at top of rustic wooden beach stairs. Walked a trail and back slowly ~3 miles? The wind was distracting - constant woooshhhhh....
From bottom of beach area to home ~2:15. Perfect warm sunny day. Glad I got out. Plenty of energy. A little emotionally numb, partially from kls - probably a good thing.
Let my mind spool out all it's stress areas... job mostly... suddenly you feel so vulnerable...
Fri night: Decided to skip Berk Rep Yellowjackets - reviews were mixed, and the week/day's economic news had blown my mind.
Sat night: ordered book of nudes by Catherine Millet's husband - have been mildly curious about it for years, ever since reading her erotic autobiography; a bit of Googling and found it on French Amazon, managed to negotiate the French and pay in Euros. Another itch scratched. I suspect suppression, since her book had generated a lot of interest in the U.S., promoting the follow-up photo book would have been a logical next step.
Okay.. ex-NY coworker did not respond to today's URL offer. Is this all - not cautious? Has this economic situation got me feeling like it's the end of the world, like regressing to childhood. Like Fuck the rules, Jack, it's Doomday.
Today as I walked paths and high grass by the ocean's edge I keep remembering how my world looked at age 9. It was fun and cool, but made me wonder how well I'm handling all this. I'm sure lots of people are curled up with anxiety attacks. Just... do my best. Keep in mind that everyone will be unsettled and stressed.
I'm afraid to see what tomorrow looks like - no matter what happens we are fucked. The gov't is broke for foreseeable future. The two wars will drain us dry. Texas is drowned. Bush seems paralyzed. McCain is trying to win it on lies, and may succeed. That would be a damn shame.
~1982 - man, pre-marriage, living in car, working at Big Shot, Game Theory just starting in Davis. Off. The last Davis days - what was that about - didn't I overstay at Snyder a few days - on the couch, and was asked to get a move in, and stayed... at Eric's? Right - 'cause I didn't get the car till later. After the Tina / junkie fiasco. Jesus.
++++++++++++
Sun Sep 21.08 I
Okay - I've read everything I can find, I've watched the U.S. news media water it down with headline articles about rock stars in planes crashes and dogs who found their way home, read everything on the Internet - CNN/MSNBC/Fox comedy network, and the U.K.: Financial Times, Guardian, BBC - and today's national edition of the NYT. I've done my duty to my patrimony, paid off the ghosts of my journalist father, am prepared for combat, paying attention, paid my dues. Armed for the argument onslaught.
Now can I relax and have the rest of the day to myself? At ease, soldier. Yessir! To the coast!
Woke up to violent dreams - two people trying to kill me, though I was not mortally afraid - it was a metaphorical kind of death I suppose, helplessness against an armed, invulnerable opponent with a sledge hammer. Somehow in the end, he weakened, after many blows (from the sledgehammer I'd grabbed from him), to my surprise, he weakened and I called for binding and bound his legs and arms while he lamely, barely resisted, worn out - but still wanting to kill me if at all possible. Then the woman approached, gliding, brunette, slender, attractive - she held me close, I felt her warm curves through our clothes - death was right there - and Karen was there, I explained, she understood, there was nothing to be done, death comes for us all. The feeling was more frustration than fear or panic - frustration that I could not control it.
Yes - and the country's financial situation fucked - it appears cyclical - how much can we really do? - it's boom and bust - the rich who were able to take advantage did take advantage, as any human being would. A few years of boom, a few years - four or five or ten, years of low employment, tent cities, bad health care, crumbling infrastructure. Far fucking out. I've been here - the 70s, the 80s, the early post-Clinton tech bubble years. All I can try to do is try to hold onto my job. Don't complain. Work hard. Keep up the contacts I've made. Make my interactions with workmates and those above me the best interactions they've had all day. Don't kiss ass - that would make me ineffective -, but do keep in mind that shit runs downhill, if those above me in the strata are sometimes assholes, they have an asshole above them keeping them under stress. That's how the system works.
In other words - keep doing what I've been doing, only even better - knowing that the better I do, the easier my job is! It works. Keep my feelings about all this to myself. Everyone will be stressed and worried - I will use my maturity and experience to be an ocean of calm, oil on troubled waters.
No matter what - ultimately we are all expendable - if I die tomorrow someone else will take over the training and other tasks I have taken on -, no way around that calculation. Survive. I know the plan, got the game, am a terrific employee and well-respected in the organization, connected way above and beyond my department; if that doesn't keep me employed then nothing will.
So enjoy the ride. Embrace change. Life comes with adventure, opportunities, challenges, blessings in disguise.
And don't drink or use - that ensures defeat and misery.
And don't 'use' porn, sloth, gluttony, escapism into banality and cynicism or any of the other vices - live large and free engaged - in my soul and outside in my body. Don't let stress paralyze me- I know better - been there, done that. Get out to do my favorite things - the coast, walks in nature - along the ocean - the music of the surf - if I am stressed, might as well do it in a beautiful setting.
Forgot my atenolol yesterday - stayed in bed practically all day, surfing the Web - late afternoon nap, then to Sooz's for large salty pretzels and cheese dinner, scanned ~6 second season GG's, hung with Willie. WF on way home for yogurt, sandwiches, fruit, health bars for whatever I decided to do today - I think ocean, rather than Reyes hike.
And don't get sloppy with the meds: forgetting at and overusing kl is not acceptable.
Putting Colleen cannon nudes on Buzznet, finding that life without YouTube is easy (being kicked off - sob, choke - for 2 weeks for promoting Roy Woods clumsy, insipid Wake Up - which I love!). Rules is rules is rules.
The cottage is a mess with all the work stuff laying about, but would have been worse without recent cleanup. Get that together.
Okay - home - north to Russian River - coast - the 5-6 hour loop. Coast. Ocean.
Okay - maybe a little escapism into the erotic past (1989). Now - Guerneville...
++++++++++++
Sat Sep 20.08
Well, the collapse of U.S. banking system is underway - Fed is going for Trillion dollar bailout, but no one is confident that it will work - no one thinks this will suffice - it has only slowed the house from immediate collapse; the house is still falling, albeit more slowly - but the foundation is rotten, nothing short of Jesus stepping out of a celestial helicopter onto the Whitehouse lawn with a bag of miracles can save it. Or us.
Then it will all have to be rebuilt - while we fight two losing, endless wars and deal with being in hock to China. In the meantime - and the meantime means 10 years- , there will be no money for school, roads, education, healthcare, the old, poor, infirm. Taxes will have to be raised. Endless war will continue to drain the treasury, our youth and competitive resources. Bush will crawl back to his Texas mansion under a cloud of contempt - "Worse Than Hoover" - by far, with no serious competition, the WORST president the United States has had the misfortune to suffer. Nixon is a goddam Lincoln in comparison. Bush will be the focus of Universal contempt and loathing - and perhaps that smirk, that God-is-on-my-side, dry drunk self-righteousness will be painfully uprooted from his ego-sick soul.
Bush must ask himself, 'If God is on our side, if God is on my side, then how come everything I touch while doing His will turns to ash?' It must kill him. Does he wonder if God hates him, hates him for his self-satisfied incuriosity and pride? And yet, people would rather vote for Bush/McCain than vote for a black man. Pain.
Hung with Willie at Sooz's last night, watched bit of GG, fed front house cats and closed back window to keep out raccoons.
Took a whole kl throughout yesterday - slept well again - it does help. And I need to distance myself from the economic situation - I can't do a thing about it, and cursing Bush is a waste of time, falling into the system's trap of redirecting my attention, when what I should do is take steps to make sure Obama gets elected. The United States - becoming a Socialist system right before our eyes - and under Bush's watch, not the Democrats. Hah! They must be thrilled it didn't happen on their watch. Bizarre. If the U.S. is finally Socialist - then who, if anyone, is Capitalist?
Okay... enough. I am well-fed, slept last night in a warm bed, enjoy my good friends, sober, healthy habits. This morning I sat in the backyard and mourned for Josqin. My dear bunny. Willie was happy for my company, let me pet him, licked my hand, and sat on my lap for a short time.
No plans for the weekend. I visited the new space at work. Small. Crowded. No privacy from the noise of travel, who talk constantly. The end of music for sure. Okay. Well. Whatever. Be positive. Make it work for me. Focus on being the indispensible trainer. Keep a few things to myself; keep my own counsel. These will be years when keeping a job will be a challenge.
Maybe do Pt Reyes, maybe do Mendocino! No - have to feed the cats tonight. Maybe organize. All, whatever I want. And yeah - kl as necessary - times are tough - a few days on anti-anxiety meds is okay. Better than drinking or drugging.
Visit the dentist. Get my skin looked at. Commit. Commit to life, to my health, to this job, to life. Reluctant soul though I may be, I can fake it till I make it - I don't have to be reluctant forever. I can become an enthusiastic soul!
Don't let the political and economic circumstances cause me to think it's okay to break the rules, to ignore conventions, or to drink - it's not a dream and it's not the end of the world. Just another challenge, another opportunity to learn. Do it well. Do it right. Do it laughing, shaved, pierced and tattooed.
++++++++++++
Fri Sep 19.08
The big move happening - the floor is empty - we're joking it's like a "Left behind" scenario - we will need to form barricades and a small governing system to keep out - or kill - outsiders who approach.
Fortunately it is very slow - I guess everyone else is moving - or settling in - too.
Offered the 1975 nude link to the one Buzznet friend, and she accepted, but not to anyone else. There.
Berkeley Rep tonight - if there's time go feed Willie first - there should be because I came in at 7am, so will leave at 3:30. Took .5kl last night which totaled one whole does for the day. It's okay - with move and economic crash etc a little chemical calming is good. Psychoactive serenity.
Scanned al the Colleen pics this morning. Also Beate laying back we did for switching. Though powder shrinkage made mine unusable, as well as embarrassing.
yes, could have done the lay back examine, contemplate, self-observation thing - but - many reasons... too intimate, uncomfortable with my attractiveness judgment - dealing with the attraction/arousal was part of the desire to do that project. I should do it before I die, eve if it means less than ideal circumstances. Even if it means it's artificially created. It will never happen organically - so make it happen, then cross the bridge of difficulties as they arise - that's really how life is. Commit to life - make the cottage nice, take the classes, get the nice clothes, eat good food, ask women to model for me, ask the right person to do the erotica meditation project.
Commit to this life. Trust even when it is difficult.
Youtube cut my interconnect/upload permissions because if the Roy Wood Wake Up song - funny, because I think of it as doing them a favor, since no one else had that song up, so I was promoting it for him. Shows how ignorant I am. Oh, well - maybe good to have a break. No more using pop songs. But the nudes still seem okay? And if I do Colleens nudes, don't use the phallic cannon shots - not on a public one anyway.
1994? Before or after Jenn scene? After: Because it was the Chris/meth scene. Double check John Henry's birthday - don't want to miss that, even though I do sort of want to miss it.
++++++++++++
Thu Sep 18.08
Moving to other floor tomorrow - I'll be alone in at 7am for a while, up at 5:30am. Took 2 1/4kl's today, then another 1/2 at home. Feeling mellow and thoughtless, but not high or wobbly. Chatted with Buff about therapy/recovery.
Turns out I still have both prescriptions to kl - so 15/mo if I want, and with the election an the economic collapse/bailout/ move at work I feel like I'm better of for using some now and again - daily for this week. It's okay. Barely notice. Could do without, choose not to. Drove down to get the 5 kls - and now I have the moral dilemma. I know what to do - but there is the aforementioned stress, sooo...
Looked through all 7 boxes of snapshots, finally came on the Colleen Shots with flash/dolls/cannon - I'd like to do a video, but the phallic cannon stiff is pushing it. We'll see. Maybe some war-related classical music.
Buff/DJ gone over weekend, Sooz gone for two weeks - visit Willie tomorrow - cheese/pretzels and GGs?
Did a Sweet Cream Ladies video last night - the audio came out choppy. Great song though, and the prostitute slide show works okay.
All the nice comments and Feature on Buzznet tastefully cropped nude shot of me in bed, that Anne Goodwin took in 1975, brings out dick-flashing exhibitionist, but from amount of thinking I've had to do about it, and because I can't think of any reason anyone of my Buzznet friends would want to see me naked - even at 22, I'm waiting till the feeling passes. A typically male, and specifically middle-aged male thing, I think. I sent, then unsent, link to bobby like 4 times, finally settling on offering to send link to uncropped pic she liked if she wants. Good compromise, but no mention would have been best. She's made her lack of interest pretty clear in the past, and she's gay, so, come one.
Sigh - and I ain't gonna pout it up here - so that tells me something. Yes it does.
Okay,,, beddy-bye. 1 whole kl last night and I slept well and had gentle peaceful dreams. hmmm
This stuff - to much for YouTube video? It's pretty artsy... but...
++++++++++++
Wed Sep 17.08
Sweet Cream Ladies video -brought suitcase full of music and stuff home in prep for Friday move - rest home tomorrow - took ~.5 kl today at work, and a whole one at home - which I never do, but not sure I felt it! Huh - Stock market collapse and election is pretty stressful. Pick up prescription at Long's tomorrow after work and drop by say hi to Willie. This being able to make videos at home could lead to cool stuff - If I can over lap - shoot shifting frame-to-frame movement videos... nudes? Who? Under what circumstances?
Sent link to 1975 me nude but retracted it, put up cropped version with online version in back pocket in case there's interest. Not much chance. That satisfies my criteria without being an outright jerk. Just a dork.
I want to go to a Chinese herbal specialist who will help me with weight and general health, Miracle worker. Bound to set myself up for failure and disappointment. But, would also be educational. Talk to K at work. Am I - is that - nuts? Some people swear by it. Pins to kill appetite. Hmmm...
++++++++++++
Tue Sep 16.08 bed home Oakland-Berkeley border cottage..
Dave Mason CD arrived, Sad and Deep as You I haven't heard for 35 years, the summer before leaving home song, LRY summer song... goodbye to everyone song - but, stayed in touch with Kate Brown, Anne Goodwin, Barry Curry, Bruce Davis (?), a few others - Joanne Wasserman from H Allegheny, I think I was in touch with Pat Kolarik for a while... back to visit OPIK 1974 with Anne Newhall; I was apparently scrawny, as the SoChas fellows were a bit freaked upon seeing me in the shower with Anne. Anne spent the night with Barry back in SoChas, I spent the night with some anonymous blonde at OPIK. That stuff doesn't work, but you have to find out somehow.
Anyway - more bad Wall St stuff - worst since Great Depression they say - a Depression is a long recession - I'd say it's a'coming. Would not necessarily count on having this job in 2 years. Cut backs will be made.
Made a sophomoric anti-war/anti-Bush/McCain YouTube video - good to blow of steam. Made a nudes video on this laptop from system film editor - worked pretty well, can do scratchy film effects - hmp. So, I can do it at home... hmp. Put live My Bloody Valentine/Slow live. I love it, but obviously am doing it for me an no one else, as it's practically unlistenable; I find it hypnotic, awesome and magical.
Moving to new location over on 33 this week - from 9, which I've dug for two years - now to a small location between travel and the gym. I'm angry and insulted - but hopeful it will not be as bad as I fear. Maybe it will be bigger than it appears on the map.
What else... wanted to put the 1976 nude Anne Good shot on Buzznet. Talked myself out of it. What would be the point?
Taking kl almost daily for the last... 5-5 days? Bit o' anxiety from politics, economy, work stress - but really, not bad, and I'm okay. Veggie pizza and two 2nd season GGs w/Sooz tonight, house sit from Thurs 22nd for two weeks.
Okay... Summer ending... lovely Fall approaching... rent a car and drove for two weeks across the Midwest... brings CDs and stay in cheap hotels and eat fried eggs wherever and whenever I can get them. Through the Sierras. Into Utah... in November. And take a train to Truckee in deep snow and stay the night in a hotel with fireplace in the lobby and a TV.
And visit home. Mom and Dad have stopped writing. I got tired of the charade and the attitude from older sibs. There's nothing I want from M&P, not money, not inheritance - what I do want - a real relationship, is not available, and Dad is a mean prick who made his children crazy with his word and thought twisting - six children - two of whom married - and one of whom had kids, and that was an arranged marriage through a religious cult. Fall in love, get married and raise a family - not the children of that sick fuck. Keep that shit away from me, I want to be sane, and he makes me crazy - the longer I stay away, the quicker I heal.
I have my own problems - my own little maniac to deal with - my own craziness - but he is bad news. Ask all the children he hurt. Then ask him about at and listen to his well thought out, carefully constructed and perfectly rational denials. Then you will see how he made his children insane.
But... visit home anyway... for me.
Me and Pam 1980.
++++++++++++
Mon Sep 15.08 II
Yeah - looking bad - Lehman Bros bankrupt, BoA buying Merrill Lynch - Afghanistan falling apart, war on the Pakistan border, Iraq barely holding on, but really it's been destroyed, ethnically cleansed, and will be decades coming back. Russia pushing back against U.S. transgressions, and holding the moral high ground. China ascendant - stunned at the world at the Olympics and beat the U.S. handily in gold medals.
And McCain chooses a totally unqualified running mate - which proves him to be unqualified to make Presidential decisions. If he wins, a lot of people will give up on the system entirely. I may wind up voting for Nader next time!
So... a recession rapidly spiraling into a depression (Greenspan calls it a once-in-a-century financial catastrophe - that is not, by the way, his motherfucking fault!!!), losing two wars, a new cold war, no movement in Palestine. Jesus. What a fucking cock-up.
Sigh... looking bad, very very bad...
Did the Solano Stroll up and down - beautiful weather! -, visited Liz and Katie (Robbie and Caitlin were out walking), home for a bit, then to Nicasio for most of Roy Rogers and that famous harmonica player, bbq'd chicken with beans and corn bread and one IPA, which was all I wanted, and I barely wanted that.
Article online about lolicon, which I guess is legal, but I googled and glanced at a couple of sites and it's some really disgusting shit - manga-style child porn in cartoon form, so protected by the first amendment, but most of what I saw involved violence, coercion, rape and really sick-minded stuff. Taking fantasy pleasure in a child's fear and pain. What the fuck is that? One I glimpsed made me feel sick in my soul - I guess I found my limit - hard to believe this stuff is not illegal. Some sick sick minds out there. Made me feel absolutely mainstream and normal. Made me feel like "something ought to be done!".
Hmp... is anything going right for the U.S.? Arms sales are up! Mostly to Afghanistan and Iraq - how ironic. The British economy is collapsing as well, wed to the U.S.'s I imagine? And we're killing hundred of Afghani civilians with out bombing runs.
No more religious fanatic presidents, pleasse!!!!!
Made some more photos for video slide show - clip getting most hits is shortest, and one with least is longest. So... maybe some 1 proof sheet clips - 12 shots? Or two proof sheets? 20? Did Pam (JAA's friend), early Chae by big rock, and Tonya on hillside - which was... 1979? On a trip from Davis?
Some day write story of that night, messy as it was, it was weird and typical young confusion... sex without sex... weird. Tension without talk. Almost - but not quites - a big noisy vibrator in the other room, me to nervous to offer to help. That night - which had a follow-up event - unrelated? - in Davis a year or so later. Must've been 79-80 because I didn't have those negs at Laney.
Put the Asleep atW shots/clips on a 1gig memory stick and gave it to the Rancho Nicasio bearded guy. Didn't see Gil/Stacey/Sis at Solano, got Buddhist and gourmet ghetto literature.
Kitchen bounce flash ~1992? Earlier? Working at Big Shot.
++++++++++++
Sun Sep 14.08 I
What I want! Dang - reminds me of being in a relationship, trying to connect and impress by doing what someone else wants. Get locked into it - not bad if it gets me out doing worthwhile things I'd otherwise not have done - art shows, outdoor adventures. But it falls into a pattern of 'if I do this she'll like me', but that's not true. And it's codependent and neurotic on both sides. Anyway - watch it, use it for good if possible, don't twist it into something it's not.
Woke ~6:30, a bit of Internet, then back to sleep until 8:30, Nomad - Banana, NYT, waiting for my Mocha. Looked around cottage from edge of bed, felt good about the organizing, proof sheets and photo booth pics for scanning; knowing travel, house, car, correspondence are organized into their respective folders.
Right, it's normal for men who are below average to still think they have a chance with more attractive women. Part of the reason women modeled for me- aside from curiosity, vanity, adventure - part of the flattery was that I was not entirely unattractive, having collected some cultural power / party / fun symbols - those most of the women who modeled for me were part of that sub-culture and their attractiveness was about on par for that group: not glamour girls - a bit hairy, freckled, hippy, small-breasted, skinny. That all worked fine for me - the most attractive women in the scene would not even model for me. In the College avenue scene I worked my way up to queen Jen by photographically working my way through he less attractive couriers. I'm exaggerating, maybe even wrong about this - point is, when looking into a potential other model or sexual muse that goes over the artistic line, I need to remember I no longer have the attributes I had before by nature, and will have to have something else.
I'm saying models, because there is a straight line between that scene - taking lots of pictures of naked women - and the sex-lite replacement focus. Not that I wouldn't have shot nudes regardless, but that they also fulfilled that other need. That's probably why it was such a constant struggle to dissect my motives - the constant awareness that no matter how pure and honest my motives and artistic integrity, that they were also feeding the other need, and that the line between the two had to be constantly redrawn.
There has to be a simpler way to say this, but maybe I'm not ready to say it here in "public".
For models / muses in the future, I need to be clear about what I have to offer - and it is not what I had or did in the past - showing them the photos I used to do, with different criteria, motives, standards - gets me nowhere; - I might as well show them photos done by someone else, because that's the reality - I need to develop a new kind of honesty and humility appropriate to my age and persona, - youthful bravado and the excitement of pure "let's do something!" energy are losing stratagems - I can't keep up the level of bullshit that I could as a young men - ; a willingness to accept the blows of age and embarrassment has to be developed, thicker skin and a sense of humor.
Not just for models, but in general. Take this last step into middle-age, stop trying to be a young man. I am not. Not old, not young. How awkward. Looking both ways at once - forward and back, no hill to stake my stick on. Middle age - what a mudsuck!
Just responded to a Buzznet question re my nude photography and this came out...
"It's all past-tense, I haven't shot an art nude for over a decade - but I always worked with non-professionals - there were a couple who worked as paid art models, but we had become friends independently - I didn't like working with paid models because money adds additional power elements into an artist-model situation where there's already power issues -
It was important for me to feel comfortable opening myself up and letting ideas flow, so it was ideal if they were friends of friends, or friends of people who'd posed for me and enjoyed the experience - it also helped a lot if they were artists themselves, so I'd know they understood the mental process I was going through - it *is* difficult to shoot naked people; the first years of my nude work was just getting comfortable with the situation - and I'd explain to the models that I was new to it and had to work through my awkwardness - they were understanding - it is important to be honest - after enough shoots I became very relaxed, and that helped the models relax - they could tell by the poses I chose, my words that came naturally, and my attitude that I wasn't just doing sexy shots. Sometimes I would use elements of cheesecake, and would explain what I was doing.
Although, there's an innate sexual element to the shoot, and that can be enjoyable, too, though not if it becomes distracting - I did try shooting Penthouse-style naughty pictures a couple of times, but it was way too easy - no challenge really.
Yeah - I totally understand Buzznet's policy and support it - not into offending people - I just regret it for personal selfish reasons :-)
Excuse all this thinking out loud, I've recently been thinking about shooting nudes again, and your question tapped a vein of thought."
Okay... just trying to be me now and do what I want not anyone else. It is the weekend. My officially designated free time. What do I want? I want a Solano Stroll visit, an Olampoli hike and a Rancho Nicasio BBQ.
Oh yeah - this one. 1975. An LRY connection.
++++++++++++
Sat Sep 13.08 II
Easy day, but sort of fun and productive. Drove downtown to library, Peet's mocha - ran into Janis, early Berkeley day friend who I've been estranged from for a couple of years, over mostly my stuff I think. To bank - which turns out to close at 2pm! Picked up CDS from library, Reel - rented Excalibur - Nomad while laundry gets done across street, including rug which used to be under Josqin's cage - might use it as wall hanging to hold in heat? Cropped a bunch more nudes off proofsheets: Pam, Karen's friend from Davis, Shelley's CCAC acquaintance Theidra, my Laney friend Tonya, some single shots - Lori, Jenni's Playboy-figure friend. Picked three proosheets for the next slideshow - I like the idea of doing it proofsheet-by-proosheet over a period of decades. Is it too much looking back? Hard to say.
At home went through file box and got that straightened out. Started through the box of Davis band stuff. Get it down to GT, and a diff box for other (Veil, Go Dog Go, etc).
Lots of Internet and YouTube today - my life lately - and lots of other people's. Hmm. But I've adjusted - no longer bothers me, not analyzing - it fills the quiet hours - not sure its keeping me from getting out.
Maybe try for 11pm ferry to Angel Island tomorrow. If not, Solano Stroll, or Tam, or Nicasio. Lots of choices. Look into Oakland to Angel Island Ferry - would potentially save me a long painful drive to Tiburon.
Late 80s?
++++++++++++
Sat Sep 13.08 I
Sort of tough night - food poisoning, no doubt from the Chinese food - and with a funky smell of stale urine playing in my nostrils I assumed the worst, I got the 'white guy special' - fucking bastards. It hurt quite a bit, so much that - before the arrival of confirmation - I was hoping it was only food poisoning and that the next wave of pain wasn't bad enough to send me to an emergency room. But yes, first came the big horse with its rider dragging behind, then a heaping helping of chocolate pudding as the finale. Ahhh...
(Afterwards I thought about labor pains, and Karen's, and what a baby I was over this relatively small amount of discomfort. Still, when it's inside the soft of your belly it's a little disconcerting. Imagine it's the bottom of your torso - your ass - splitting open. Yep. No way around it. Labor pain, the worst.)
Woke up anxious to get going an use these last days of Summer, but thought better of it - not only tired, not only just recently over a respiratory bug, but also drained from midnight food poisoning. A morning to stay in bed and sleep deep deep deep as until my body says "enough". Nice hot shower. Yogurt and tuna sandwich. Chat with Buff about the depressing turn the election has taken - McCain's cynical and insulting Palin power grab. I am the more optimistic, but you can't lose by being cynical about United States politics.
That fucking cunt. And I do mean McCain.
Okay... return library books and Reel video - none watched. Give it up. Maybe bank for quarters. Took 1/4 kl for general anxiety. Maybe another 1/4?
And then... whatever I want. Laundry? Cottage organize?
~1991
++++++++++++
Fri Sep 12.08
Did not sleep well last night - goofy all day - got the work done though, and walked to Chinatown for won-ton soup dinner and to Powell BART station - but sort of in a dream. Sort of in a dream all day. Not sure it's just random sleeplessness - could be... an extension of the bug that's going around. Keep an eye on it.
Planning to do Angel Island tomorrow morning - ferry leaves at 10 - give myself 1.5 hours to get there? WF tonight for trip food; filled the tank.
Made yet another fine art, figure study video slideshow with Satie, and uploaded to YouTube - this one contains some of my favorite nudes, and a couple of visible faces that I am counting on 20 years time passed to clear with the karma patrol. Funny, the low view count, which is sort of a compliment, meaning they are not sexy/cheesecake, and people pass them by for girls shaking their asses in skimpy underwear. Too much porn available on the Web; who cares about 20-yr-old, black-and-white artsy nudes - not me even hardly - but I want them up in public and am tickled about the whole situation, the ability to show the old stuff, and that it's allowed, unless the song behind them is copyrighted. Cool. Perfect.
Solano Stroll Sunday - might meet up with Gil/Stacey/Sis.
Okay - to be early tonight... sort of... and like last Sunday on Tam, get out and do it even if I am a bit too tired. Do it. It's enjoyable, healthy, etc etc etc.
++++++++++++
Wed Sep 10.08
Hmp - almost Sep 11 - almost missed the anniversary - when we were attacked by an enemy in Afghanistan - but, now we're in Iraq five years - just for starters, stuck, being drained economically, about to be finally abandoned by our "willing" allies - see ya later, sucker! And we won in Afghanistan so easily. Wait - they're still fighting back? More effectively than ever? We're being kicked out by our ally Pakistan? In six months we're moving 8,000 troops out of Iraq - even though we still need them there - and putting them in Afghanistan? So, really, we will have not enough troops to do the job in either place, and no one willing to help us, and our economy falling though the cracks.
It's so fucked. Bush picked the fight that all occupiers lose. And we are losing. And, it looks like ultimately we will lose.
Worst. President. Ever.
Did another polaroid/REM video for both sites - some repetition - not as much directed creative spirit as some others - more wanting to use shots I hesitated to use before, but as I've built up confidence that it's okay I wanted t break that wall. Okay. Not a masterpiece - although, it actually got more responses (2) than most. Hmp. Still being cool mostly - letting lots of Jen in - and mild Beth S mirror half-nipple shots - supposing that 17 years passing dissolves danger, guilt, disrespect and hurt feelings. Sure, it would be best to ask or not use them at all - and if I did ask maybe they'd say 'More comfortable if you didn't', but it being done and them finding out and seeing low view count and likely complete or relative anonymity, I like to think I am being careful enough - not enough for everyone, not for 'right-thinkers - but based on my past experience, living somewhat outside straight guidelines, careful that I am comfortable that they would sort of be okay about it. They wouldn't scream and say 'Oh my God! No! No! Fuck! I'm so humiliated! Where's the phone, so I can ask my psychotic brother to cut Robert's diseased nuts off?"
And what they don't know won't hurt them. And that cuts both ways. Who knows what's gone on with pics of me that have gone out electronically over the years. Yet, I do not care, because really there's nothing to care about.
Last night pizza w/Sooz - a Gilmore Girl break, Lanesplitter's for hike/politics etc chat. She reassured me that Willie is okay - his slight weakening and weird behavior reminding me of Josqin's recent illness (it's only been a month) and freaking me out a little. It will be fine. Watched water-challenges and laughed hard at contestants bouncing off objects and into mud and water.
Been having a little heartburn or something, and feeling a little neurotic, like - is it the end of Tuesday night GG's or what, since we ran out of GG's worth watching - that crap 6th season - phew! Who cut one!? - so I took .5kl before heading over, and oddly forgot all about having taken it and felt fine, so maybe I needed it - because if I take one when I'm feeling okay it just makes me weary and physically feeble. Took .5 tonight, too - for a break from stress - feeling some weird stress lately - again, as aforementioned, perhaps adjusting to life without the warm, furry, friendly buffer from solitude that friend and companion Josqin offered, as well as him being a daily reminder of and direct link to Karen, Iain and Xo. Xo's big bother. Karen's first child. Quite a bit more than just a pet.
Yeah - probably. Though I really dig the spread out at night. And the lack of litter odor. And the extra space. But I loved him.
Thinking still about a slightly more lovely, rounded, sanded, slightly-lower bed, with drawers beneath and a wider lip: Wider and shorter? As it is, beneath bed is empty... hmmm... northeast corner gets a lot of sunlight and is more visible (less privacy) from backyard. Hmp. If I'm gonna, I oughta, before momentum dissolves and I stick with comfort of familiar. Not that comfort of familiar is bad. I kind of dig where I'm at - but I have this fantasy of how it could be better - it could be worse, or no improvement - do I take the chance? Just to shake things up? I'd say... yes.
Uh... okay... work... kind of sucking... but really, it's good, and I get to help lots of people, and dept has been really friendly lately, chatting, laughing, people bringing food. Really quite fun. Nice to have Tytn back, not only for her personality, but to help balance gender divide.
Haven't sent £s to U.K. yet; this morning on way to work thought maybe my hesitation is a sign - just helped a lot during recent visit - my savings are okay, but not ahead by amount I was hoping to send (£1K), so maybe I should take it easy, just get a few gift certificates and leave it be till... the time is right. I could be at five-oh easily in early 2009. That would be a nice milestone. I like having that goal, and cushion, and ability to be generous with my friends. Being aware of and comfortable with my own limits is good, mature, desirable.
++++++++++++
Mon Sep 9.08
2 tall beers w/G&S, may have been why I was not super-energetic Sunday, but forced myself out to Tam for a fairly vigorous hike considering - down from Mountain Home into Muir Woods, taking the long route, then back up - on the map it only looks like ~4-5 miles, but it took ~4.5 hours, with plenty of stops, rests, and slow walking - beautiful day for it! And the sandwich, apple, orange, energy bar, rb combo worked pretty well. But halfway down I realized I was not feeling really up to it, but it was too late to turn back, so I bucked up and did it all - but NOTE TO SELF - if I'd only had 1 beer, or better yet none, I'd probably have enjoyed the hike much more. It wasn't a hangover per se, but it was a body using energy to deal with the poison in the system.
Okay... work again slow'ish with training, reading Bush Reagan legacy book on BART (finished skimming John Mitchell bio). Stayed late to put together quick Poland slide show for Warsaw Village Band, Matthew song. I like the live version better. Dang.
Okay... thinking about a small desk, better book shelf solution, a shorter bed with wider edge?
~1994 - near the humiliating end... no need to revisit...
++++++++++++
Sun Sep 7.08
Fanny May and Frebdie Mac collapse and are taken-over by the government - meaning a multi-billion dollar bailout by U.S. tax payers - cool - good job George. Is there any part of the government and world at large you have not fucked up?
Worst. President. Ever. You win!!
Let it end soon for God's sake! Fuck me. Cold war with Russia, failure in Iraq and Afghanistan, failure in NATO/Georgia strategy, economic collapse, a weakened, disgraced corrupt Republican party - the list is endless - Find a win. Find a triumph! Show us one clear demonstrable success - no terrorist attacks doesn't count - show us an attempt that failed because of your policy of torture. Show us how Guantanamo - gee, that sort of dropped off the radar, aren't there trials going on down there, of dangerous, "worst-of-the worst", who we would like to send back to their countries except the countries don't want the headaches of American demands - so show us how Guantanamo has done any good - it's rejected and despised by the world and your own government, but you just can't admit it was a mistake, because that would be admitting what a fucking cock-up you are. Daddy must be proud of his failure son, who after all was working with the damage and disability of being a dry drunk and a self-centered egomaniacal moron.
...and stuff.
Looks like yesterday I needed to beat up on myself - what's up? Waking up cranky and unhappy - because, I'm feeling the end of a partnered sex life - there's no way forward, even if I lose weight, I just don't want it that bad, esp not compared to 10, 20, 30 years ago - I thought yesterday: Embrace it! Embrace and love and enjoy who I am and what I want. Every waking moment, every sleeping dream - life is to be both enjoyed and gotten on with.
At the Telegraph Buddhist trinket store I was looking again for the tribal, cow/calves pendant I lost - it's not that I love it so much or would even wear it, but that I feel I lost it and lost things must be retrieved, continue to have the contemporaneous value they would have lost had I retained them and let them organically slip away. I feel that I lost the sex drive so want to retrieve it. But - gracefully give up the things of youth - it is not lost - any more than one can lose their life - no one said it would be easy, but don't make it worse with illusions and false desires. Somewhere I read about a man who said he still wants to chase women but wouldn't know what to do with one if he caught her. Exactly. Do I want the sensual pleasure of touch/texture, sight, sound, taste and fragrance - the use of an object - ? of do I only want that in the context of making love with someone I care for?; the latter I believe. So, casual sex seems to be - and has always been - out. So, for now I'm stuck - but at least I am living it out consciously, and can find some acceptance of my position. If I detect a next viable step forward, I stand ready to take that limp, half-hearted step...
Lazy yest - car to Long's, library (3 movies, 4 CDs, 2 books), LaFiesta, NBerk yard sales (where I tried out a shaker machine, which felt good like a massage), nap at home, bike to WF (chicken noodle soup/cup of yogurt - had to turn down Buff/DJ dinner offer), Gil/Stacey till after midnight - hadn't been over since before KIX visit/Josqin dying - six weeks? - Gil has/had the same 3-week congestion sickness I had - brought apple pie, vanilla ice cream and slice of the good Brit cheese. Talked memory stick, dead pets, Shelley/Chris/farm, John Henry's upcoming 80th, Laine LA visit, dead friend, etc etc etc. Funny now how we take our blogs for granted that we read each other's and it's part of us knowing each other.
Trying to figure out best way to send $/£s to U.K. I want it to be direct, exact and flexible, but it will have to be what it has to be. I can not control the exact conversion rate.
Okay... maybe grab turkey sandwich, orange and apple, water, energy bars and head to... Tam?
1991 - first nude shoot? Yes. The soft, lovely female belly.
++++++++++++
Sat Sep 6.08
G&S tonight.
Stayed late at work to help with big job, then top of Coit Tower, Grant, Steps of Rome, Grant, California, Powell - small-earthquake delays in BART - falling asleep in the station, reading Rousseau - good stuff! Maybe patriotism - real patriotism - is not so bad, not if my buddy Rousseau says so. All about the social contract.
Took .5 kl before sleep - slept well I think - woke up, and this last week, thinking - about... low expectations, making lemonade from a lemon, people not having time to fix the unfixable - obviously they saw, my parents, sibs - I was not gonna have it easy, and I thought, 'Why don't they help?', and got bitter, felt like what I needed was available if only someone cared enough to take the time - but life is not like that - there's only one Mom, and she's biologically determined to do what she did. I tried to be good (did I ? - I was willing. Was I?), tried my best to be charming and social, but trying can only do so much, not much really - and, unwilling to join a church for losers like me (unless you count Unitarians in teen years) I was born a reject in spite of my best efforts.
One of the dork rejects - nerds at least have their smarts - I had a bit of drawing/artistic talent. Natch. Common. Oh, boy. Hardly made me economically viable. So I got bitter.
It seemed, as I remember, that low expectation - based on observable, undeniable reality - made it easy for me to say to myself, "No matter what I do, I will not be given credit. No matter how hard I try, no one will give me a boost, an arm around the shoulder to say, keep it up, I have faith that your efforts will pay off." I was written off as a loser, and understandably so, loud, annoying, ugly, obnoxious, weak - an embarrassment - never invited to parties. I was ashamed - too ashamed I should say - to admit to Donnette that I'd never actually been to parties (she was wondering, as I remember, why I acted the way I did -badly - at parties she invited me to with the X-Men.)
Social retard. Early on - say, Junior High and earlier, I found telling jokes gained me some social 'acceptance', being a goofball, the evening's entertainment - willing to say, then do and go further than others. Sexual humor, nudity.
Oddly, among some groups - of other losers - it gained me a certain amount of 'cool', because I'd learned the rules did not apply to me, that I wasn't expected to win, so I could go unwashed, in rags, hair down my back, loud, angry, and no one would stop me. Hitchhike around the country, and my parents said fine, go, at 17, hitchhike to Boston with $10 and no place to stay and good luck son. These were all choices I made. Fit with the hippie culture - I thought - no hippie culture, then what would have happened I wonder? But not for more than a few seconds. 'What ifs' are a waste.
But I'm jumping all over... point is, I was a troubled youth from the beginning. A dweeb and a drag. All teens - most anyway - are ugly and stupid - awkward and ignorant. God damn it.
If I was gonna be good, it had to be for myself - because no one else was gonna be pleased and encouraging with my attempts to join the mainstream. The mainstream wanted - wants - the strong, the bold and the beautiful, the talented - talented and ugly are okay so long as they stay hidden. It's the beautiful we want to see, the bold we want to watch and admire.
I bought into what I could - my secret shame, wanting to buymy way into acceptance by being fashionable, in spite of my surface contempt for the pretty 80s rockers.
Okay - fine, I was not pointed out and picked on - the system treats all weakness the same. No room for whining. It's natural, normal, common, sane that I reacted to my place in the system the way I did, the rejected rejecting - you can't fire me I fire you fine. Hating it, myself, being born - I knew early on - not as good as the rest, not going to get a job, not going to have a family, not going to have an impressive job etc. Fear and loathing. Anger competed with Cool.
Fast forward 30 years: To the DUI and hard knock of getting to early middle-age and finding that the rebel without a cause bit was not so cute at 40. It was a failed strategy. AA gave me the second chance to building a life around personal responsibility, caring for others other than myself, being good and sane and mentally wise and healthy for myself, not to please others. It feels good to do right and fit in and have no expectation that others will like me and accept me for it. Fits to the culture and childhood training I got. I am what I am, no denying it.
Maybe not socially, but at work and all, they do accept me, sort of. I just had to relax and not be hurt by very minuscule rejection. Grow some thick skin. Layers.
It's easier now that the pressure is not there to procreate - people don't look at me so much, or, I don't imagine them doing it - looking at me and thinking right, no girlfriend, loser. Women looking me and and down and moving on. Although the look I got was more amazement if I had one at all, it seemed to me. Maybe that was me looking at myself. Sure girls experimented with me, on me, under me, swallowed my spunk for a place to stay or in exchange for my eating them. But the final selection goes to the economic provider. The ones who would have chosen me, to me there was something wrong with their decision-making process - they are not in touch with their desire to settle on the farm and procreate. So I rejected, despised, didn't take them - the relationship - seriously. because, who are you kidding? No trust in anyone, not even myself. They can't like or love me or my whole world perception falls apart.
Then, after the DUI, a few people actually cared enough, to my profound shock, to support my desire for real sobriety - a task I was positive would be solo, ignored and mocked - which is what I got from my wife and her junky friends - sobriety was for chumps! That's when I found out who my friends were. Becky was not one, let's face it. Played that one out for other reasons. Flesh. Smiles. Titillation. A pretty face. A game. A travelling companion. Likewise Ellec did not support me, talked me into drinking with her. Getting what she could for what she had. Okay. Remember. Make note. Girls are dangerous when they're hungry.
Now that procreation is out of the picture - unless a miracle happens, it would be purely economic motivations - harder to care, not driven by passion, difficult, maybe not impossible - but built on bitterness and defeat is tough. You'd almost have to have religion or philosophy. Not kids - why not give up?
Anyway... this is all out of order - whatever - I'm the only one who has to read this in the years to come - the point is from this mish-mash I have grown better and stronger and have better tools to live with what I have, to live my life - I want to get out more and maybe be more social. But overall, I'm probably living the life appropriate to me - challenges and all. I think I'm done for today. And it's good because I overcame my righteous anger, and let's give a huge round of applause to AA for that! And to my friends who supported me. People who supported me are still my friends. Lisa C could be - has enough time passed? It feels very distant. No connection, just mild curiosity - which is odd, since we spent, it seems - several eventful years together. Amsterdam. Good sex. Good talks. Fun times. The age difference kept it from getting too serious... though she did take me home. She's probably married with children by now.
Had to get this out of my system. I'm an angry bitter guy. That does not make me special. And I still have to - until I decide not to - live in this world, not in the one I imagined as a child. There is no Santa Claus. But, thanks.
There's this sunlight shining on the edge of the computer screen.
I just checked my hits and there's lots from work: 4,000+ hits, 1,700 files, 40K KBs, 25 visits. Hmmm... can't all be me.. or can it? All the Sexy beast and polaroid page views? Does each view and each search count as a hit? 25 visits could be the Sexy beast pages... I dunno. The question: is there anything scandalous in here? Do I care? I thought I did, or should, but - except for a brief moment's panic last month when I first noticed the work-related hits, I've been like - so what? I do a blog about my personal stuff that includes rehashing of my unhappiness and happiness through the years. Anyone who does that risks mockery - obviously a choice I've made in the positive because it benefits me - free therapy to put it all out there - and I don't see how it can hurt me professionally, being a creative type it's expected that I'm a bit eccentric and use nudes in my art, etc. Whatever. I'm cool. Probably nothing to it anyway. Just an anomaly in the system. No reason to fear, or change.
Satisfying a craving.
++++++++++++
Mon Sep 1.08
Well, that's not good - only the burger meal Saturday, yesterday didn't eat until early afternoon sushi with Eric, and started with a large hot saki - got pretty goofy what with the food running late and another couple of saki's arriving. We had a good old chat, about bunnies, about what to do with re-designing post-Josqin cottage and I was feeling it - then we ate for what seemed like hours, and was - sushi from about 2-5, yikes! Driving home the 3 blocks to Eric's? Smart? Stupid! Don't even dissect it - not worth the chance!
Once we got home and watched TV and The Host making-of the monster clips I mellowed - lots of food is good, and lots of diet Pepsi and crackers. Yeah, well. I dodged a bullet - but it's not... smart.
Left SRosa ~9pm (after considering sleeping on the couch and making a morning drive home down the coast - that would have been fun, but I wanted to start from home today), 4+ hours after last sip of saki and felt fine all the 70-80mph super-light-traffic drive home.
McCain's VP's 17-yr-old daughter is pregnant and keeping it and marrying the father. Great fucking role-model for the evangelicals, right? Right.
Smart. No smart.
Some good ideas for the cottage -a captain's bed. Yesterday moved wooden shoe/telephone shelves outside. Maybe take down the desk. Open it up, empty it out - be thoughtful. Stack plastic boxes in the corner - move the bed against into northeast corner - and cheat of drawers into southeast? Easy to re-do - just... see how it feels. Let ir develop organically. Use space wisely, though - as Buff -said - one thing I can count on, no matter how much space I free up, I will fill it with crap, inevitable.
Okay - so, slightly musty mind this morning - but still, get out to... Novato? Tilden? Pt Reyes? Good day for a causal walk in warm, spicy-scented woods. Yes.
~1976 - LRY connection did not end with 1973 move West: Barb, Anne, Jeanne, etc. Women. Very nice photo really.
++++++++++++
Sun Aug 31.08
ah ah ah relax body relax. Nomad, laundry drying on the corner
Santa Rosa at 1-1:30 for sushi with Eric. Looks like another hot beautiful August California day. Can't complain! I love August in San Francisco.
Yesterday lazed about with my face in the laptop. Got out ~12 for Fatapple's bacon burger/fries/shake - my only meal for the day - it's what I wanted so I got it. Beautiful day to drive around. On the way, hit Wells Fargo to get info re sending pounds to U.K., and looked for yard sales -
- funny thing!!! - on Sacramento, a sale sign pointing down Hearst, wondering if I will notice the compound where Chae, and Karen's Gabriel's mom, had lived - surprise! - the sale was at the very place, and Michael was there - well, it's a summer for reconnection so I stopped and got five good shirts and a blue jacket (which was somewhat small on me but fit Buff nearly perfectly so he got it - in partial exchange for his black jacket which I've borrowed but essentially took from him by putting wear and tear on it, but will buy us both more online). Not sure - Michael may have halfway recognized me under my sunglasses and hat. As the seller bagged my shirts I asked him if he knew Chae?. She visited us this morning, said he. Said I, I'm an old friend, haven't seen her for years. So she's alive and well? Good.
Good. Good to know. Thus ends desire for contact or need for further details. Have not seen her for... how many years? It happened after Karen & Iain left - the split that is - 4-5 years ago, at a time when I could hardly afford to lose contacts/acquaintances/friends - not that one can ever, but - anyway, 4-5 years ago. Is that all? She was Shelley's age I think, so 44. Still with Tom and teenage daughter in the same house? Don't know. Don't care. We no longer fit. No longer need each other enough to tolerate the humiliations and insults built into waiting-for-right-one user and used, used using the user until it eats itself, carcass licked a last time for nourishment, realization that one cannot live on bones, angry 'I have all I need. I never liked you. I'll be fine without you' lie at departure. Fini. Doesn't even rate a good-bye. Do not go back and dig up that corpse.
Made a list of house stuff:
Things that can be done immediately -
Beate table out
Band photo box organized (plastic box?)
Plastic boxes stacked on corner
Drawers stuff into plastic boxes
Desk out - replaced with smaller desk with drawers
Large fridge
Books on book shelves
Get rid of Mac, or get keyboard first and get make sure I have all desire files from it
Smaller bed with drawers and room for plastic storage boxes, facing east-west
Carpenter from Craig's list?
Lay-out cottage space - measure and draw on computer.
Dreams this morning, but I woke up feeling pretty good - tomorrow off - get up coast after Santa Rosa? Some cheap out-of-the-way hotel?
Out first shoot, at Ralphs, living on 45th, so 1985? Almost 25 years ago.
+++++++++++
