Thu Oct 30.08
Trained at BrgSp all day - nice to see familiar faces and get positive feedback - and coffee and candy, and healthy lunch Thai salad with NYT. Rainy outside.
Cooling off. Took screen out of cottage kitchen window and closed window - slept poorly last night, stress over training outside building (I took .5kl ~1am; not a bad panic attack, but stressed fer shur), and pulled out comforter Buff&DJ gave me, the cold made sleep more difficult - not anymore by god!
Mailed proof sheets and negatives to Paula from the 90s Penesse scene - she in Kansas - and send 1st scan from workbook prints last night, after planning to do it for like a year. I'm a bad procrastinator.
Last night stopped at Starry Plough for bacon cheeseburger/fries/half-pint of IPA, watched last few innings of Phillies winning World Series. Home to fix computers - batteries and fans dying - might bring both into work and see about combining them into one good laptop. The glued crystal rock and Easter Lady Rabbit ar on the floor, as is the 2x3' dry erase and in board on the wall. Oohh, cool.
Tonight maybe get Maltese Falcon for "When you're slapped you'll take it and like it!" scene. For work - angrylambie?
Okay - slept badly last night. Took .25 kl for morning training, but not afternoon, but took another .25 bck in the office, just as a leisure pursuit. Need to renew prescription tonight. Send myself an email. Send more scans to Paula. Here and I exchange views re Chris/Shelley - when I look at it that way, my current renewed view remained the same - no reason to trust him, he has shown no remorse, so what motivation do I have? And I fear I am a sucker for slick glibness, so caution is all - like w/broTom - though I show cold face, inside I react, and carry the reaction with me. So no bye!
Except for Marge and John - and then I focus on them, doing it for them, doing right for them, them clearing the path - and I stay in their light. That I can and will do. And that is all that's required.
++++++++++++
Wed Oct 29.08
Darn - angrylambie YouTube deleted, without explanation, in spite of my having removed the artsy nudes weeks ago. Hmp.
Partially - in denial? - I'm like, who needs it anyway? Why was I so excited about keeping track of the number of hits on Hendrix at Woodstock, or Isley Brothers with Hendrix? And imaging in myself a smalltime protector of his legacy by deleting idiot/racist comments, etc.
The davis80smusic thing has cooled off anyway - and not just for me - a few people per year find it and get excited, but it's not like a big deal. Really. Even to me. Still - worth doing. No sense letting the work I've done just disappear. It brings pleasure to a few people - creating it brought pleasure to me - sharing the pleasure is a right path.
YouTube was a fun project - my little additional to culture and the smallish group it mattered to. It was a distraction, so to an extent good to have it cleared out. I do sort of wish I knew 'why', but safe to assume it was for the same stuff on photographsandmusic, only it took a while to catch up? And if I accept I'll never know, then moving on is the best result.
I tend to bury stuff, so I might be hiding anger, fear, frustration from myself - but I also had the experience of seeing photographsandmusic taken down a few weeks ago, and totally expected same for angrylambie, so I was prepared to see this - didn't panic - more of a surprise than a shock. An embarrassment - shame on me for blowing it!
Are these canaries in a coalmine - do I, for instance, need to be more careful at work, keeping photos and scans on my computer? Should they all be copied to DVDs, memory sticks, and deleted from the drive? Probably. Yes.
Well - so now what? I wasn't doing much creative work - just slideshows to pop music. Probably create a davis80smusic site with all the Game Theory/Loud Family/Thin White Rope videos, and make everything else I can find into favorites, and try to hook it up to other alternative/80s pages.
Hmp.
All day training tomorrow. Cool. This weekend - Sooz says the Afghanistan show at the Asian Art Museum is excellent. We talked about economic concerns and fears. Weirdness of the calamitous headlines compared to relative calm from our view. Crime rate and homeless rate has not exploded yet, as it likely will. We will need to rely more heavily on our friends.
Haven't seen Buff&DJ since their return Sunday night - funny how it happens, but it's happened before and seems okay. Super-casual emotional infrastructure.
Heroes is very violent, but cool.
~1979. Oh, yes - this was necessary to get past it. Give the id its due, then keep moving to more interesting dissection, examination, admiration, worship and understanding.
++++++++++++
Tue Oct 27.08
3rd episode of Heroes w/Sooz - pretty cool - Willie in good spirits (he's been persnickety for a few months); split fish burger & fries.
Talked economy - how weird it is reading all the headlines about collapse and sorrow and terror and fear - job layoffs, thousand losing their houses - then you look out the window and everything looks the same, buildings have not fallen or burned, fall is still turning air cool and sunsets gray streaked with blinding yellow-white light. Weird feeling - that bad times are coming, but aren't here yet, like an expected guest who will stay for years. Store nuts. Might be a good time to lose weight. Help friends, and anyone else who crosses my path in need. If the car dies don't buy a new one; bike.
Lots of photoshop and other projects at work for specific people I've established relationships with; helping with this and that - flyers, all-day training offsite Thursday... stuff... beats some of the mind-numbing stuff that comes through. I'm not jumping on the video filming boat that's coming through, but I'm not inspired to do it, or worried about missing it. It's good for the department, and no doubt I'll have opportunities down the line, but I'm on enough other rides - facepages, West Coast intranet photos, photography, video and audio editing, training, tricky photoshop stuff - no need to add to it - just, what? Standing behind the camera? Yawnn... the editing is fun! I'll pick it up - let the boss grab it, seems like he's into it.
Okay... still in a good mood. Dodged the collapse bullet, not dead yet.. weird.. and hopeful about Obama being the right world leader for these times.
1st shoot. 1989. She responded to my nude model ad in Davis, we talked on the phone - me in Oakland - ;when we finally met at a Davis coffee house, she came in smiling at her little secret: she hadn't told me she was black. We smiled at each other in mutual recognition of her tricky crime, a slight mockery from me since I didn't care. We chatted for a while, and shot that same day, in backyard of the home she was house-sitting. Beautiful face. Beautiful skin and an interesting, solid, loosely balanced body.
++++++++++++
Sun Oct 26.08 II
Good day - stayed in town. Headed towards Homemade Cafe (brought sandwich in case I decided to head out of town instead), but line was short; Italian eggs/side of bacon/Peet's coffee and Chron. Things were generally going my way, small things - getting moved to a better table - but yeah, I could tell. And it was a perfect Autumn day, cool breeze, hot sun, some color in the trees, blowing leaves. Drove north on Sacramento looking for yard sales - stopped at Shattuck Aids shop, Comic Relief (bought collected Dykes to Watch Out For: $25). Home.
Towards Piedmont Long's Drugs to get small path stones and California poppy seeds. Stopped at Telegraph car wash - vacuumed and emptied out trash. Stopped by 287 45th - where Shelley & I lived 1984-87 - small! - surprised how little I remembered/felt seeing front door/entry - I mainly remember livingroom and bedroom, long hallway. Surprisingly, I clearly remember Chae's homely friend showing up at front door, and that I met Chae later at their shared place in Alameda(?). Instant crush.
Up Piedmont and all around cemetery maze - larger, and more varied and cool than I'd remembered - may have to walk it someday.
Stopped at CCAC - afternoon had turned into Fall nostalgia trip -, walked through main path and remembered a surprising amount: Porch where I drunkenly offered to pay for bronzing of Tara's dog; various art shows and openings; Shelley's art show where I brought food and wine - specific galleries where from which I still have pictures of Beate and that crew, Doug, pretty blonde (who'd never came) and Lynn at Shelley's graduation; upstairs painting galleries; boisterous nighttime drunken walk from party to party with Michael McClure - having drunkenly chatted with him (what other way was there to chat at those parties) about how he'd inspired Shelley to read and how I'd read his work but wasn't sure I got it, and a shrieking acrobatic possum was hanging upside-down from vines on ceramics studio, vines still there today. Surprisingly sharp memories, considering it was Shelley going to school there, not me, but it became my social scene.
She asked me - not unkindly - to get my own friends, which turned out to be largely female (Beate, Chae, Becky), and largely models. Hmp. Anyway - CCAC much richer with positive memories than I'd have guessed. Artists! We were so bad - but so inspired and - you know, depressed, stoned, horny and hopeful.
Up College - with one eye peeled for 37-yr-old Jenni - through Claremont neighborhood and how I never hang there - some Saturday morning bike or walk up, do breakfast and shop for food. Seems like a neat little area. Dumped stones in cottage walkway, checking Internet on-and-off all day, esp political stuff.
More yard work, it's looking very good, and I sat in back a while thinking it looked extra beautiful and cool, but likely my mind was relaxed enough to appreciate it is all. Last remaining wall of top right molar that's been paining me was awfully loose; pulled it out with fingers. Now, make a dental appointment.
It's cooling off this evening - light was fantastic and ever-changing all day - nostalgia was not depressing - well, maybe a bit sad thinking about all the parties and people at CCAC - there were some good times - yesterday's Parties - what are the lyrics? - but they ended organically, not traumatically like a divorce chop job.
Tidying, resting, the financial crisis is saying all downhill from now on: no one gets to retire, no one gets to quit the army, no one gets to end the war. It's all pretty bad. But today was beautiful.
It's been crossing my mind, how I ignore other people's boundaries - all the nudes I put up for one reason or another, for my freedom, my therapy, my artistic or personal processes, my freedom to do that ends where the other person's nose begins; but I never learned that. Someday there may be a debt to pay. That selfishness may be a symptom of other attitudes that keep me from connecting socially the way I'd like. This is a half-formed thought. But yeah - boundaries.
I didn't know it was the Velvet Underground, and I thought it was All Yesterday's Parties.
All Tomorrow's Parties
And what costume shall the poor girl wear
To all tomorrow's parties
A hand-me-down dress from who knows where
To all tomorrow's parties
And where will she go and what shall she do
When midnight comes around
She'll turn once more to sunday's clown
And cry behind the door
And what costume shall the poor girl wear
To all tomorrow's parties
Why silks and linens of yesterday's gowns
To all tomorrow's parties
And what will she do with thursday's rags
When monday comes around
She'll turn once more to sunday's clown
And cry behind the door
And what costume shall the poor girl wear
To all tomorrow's parties
For thursday's child is sunday's clown
For whom none will go mourning
A blackened shroud, a hand-me-down gown
Of rags and silks, a costume
Fit for one who sits and cries
For all tomorrow's parties
++++++++++++
Sun Oct 26.08 I
Yest errands - laundry wash/hang, pounds from Wells Fargo, Advil for tooth, used computer store with questions re old Mac systems for Wolf3D, shovel & broom from Shattuck Asian hardware store, re-do backyard aloe patch - sweaty work - clean up three cat barfs. Hit/bike to WF for groceries (chicken dinner fell off back of bike 1/2 way home - bummer). As I biked random circles on way home, realized I was doing first thing all day just for fun, not on list of errands - and that what I enjoyed about Davis, biking at night, I had here. It's okay - Saturday is for errands - Sunday is for fun. Sat in dark backyard enjoying candle in hanging glass star, feeling good, enjoying yard and great weather. Watched some Matrix, and in slomo. Cool relaxation.
Woke up ~2am for a while - then back to sleep and up ~7:30 - thought should I do early Reyes? Tilden? No - I don't have to, I just want to sleep in, and did so very comfortably snug and content. Nice dreams with college-era girls - Nan B, Jenn B, Beth C; shifting from one to another, bed, couch, kitchen, shower - nice. Not what I had - not much anyway - the things I wanted but never had. Ain't that the way it is.
Stayed in bed till ~10 - fed cats, more yard clean, an email from K not opened yet, front house ready. I'm hungry. San Raphael?
++++++++++
Sat Oct 25.08
Still mourning for Josqin - buried deep - burying the body means nothing, I can barely remember any of our time - this is my way, denial maybe. I make an effort to remember mornings he ran up for morning pets, evenings falling asleep with him under my hand, petting, massaging - the hourly concern, schedule adjustments, having to head back from the coast, or not, depending on his feeding. Just - everything - joined at the hip, so I can't isolate it out and say, well, that's gone now, now that's he's gone. Now that he'd dead. And I suspect that's why it's quiet lately between Karen/UK and I - that's the only things that changed - we are all in mourning, quietly, inside, for loss of Josqin and shared connection/love /responsibility.
And I blame myself for his dying; and maybe Karen blames me somewhat for him dying on my watch. Feelings we can't help.
But don't let it go on unnecessarily long. Mourning is one thing, avoidance another.
Jane was not with me for my looks - as she so cruelly put it during a bad fight - women! - but for: my sense of fun, rock and roll, energy, willingness to break rules and challenge fears (man stuff), artistic instincts and talent, some sense of 'goodness' - the ingrained certainty that there is 'right and wrong' from Catholic upbringing -, openness on talking about sex and asking for and getting and giving what I wanted.
At JH's bday they were both - at least S - stoned to the gills - that staring off into the distance, slightly unreal disconnected half smile - no wonder they would say it was fine if I was there; they could be there without being there, that makes it easy.
Recession coming on - unemployment to 10%? - again, with my global rep, and the department's, we should be, at least, not first on the chopping block.
The fleshy gum area around the top right molar is beginning to hurt as it wriggles reluctantly out. Get some Advil today. It helped yesterday with that last 1.2 vik.
1 Advil PM last night. After work walked up Columbus to piers - takes ~30mins. Short walk really - and not unpleasant. Visited old amusement park games gallery, and strolled, explored - eh! - Taylor/Bay cable car through Chinatown with two Spanish women laughing and whooping as we passed close to cable cars going the opposite direction, and whooping down the Steep Powell hill to the turnaround. Hawaiian pizza slice and home ~8. Beautiful evening out - warm air and waters, I heard from passing swimmer. October in San Francisco - great stuff - though I walk disconnected in a haze and low - or is it just steady, even energy. It's a calm - instead of a frantic, frightened - disconnected, so it's probably good. It's a disconnect - don't freak - it's normal; no man is an island, but it does feel like we are, otherwise why would it be necessary to point out that we're not islands. it's always the opposite: All men are islands. Now that sounds correct. All you can do is do what seems right at the time. I sit alone, but am prepared to help those around me if the called upon - even proactively. That's how it is. That's the connection. A positive willingness.
I won't believe Obama has won until he's been in office for a month - then I'll begin to believe it.
Lindy put up recent photo. She looks good!
I put up pic of myself at work - me swollen with overweightedness, reinforced by small cubicle space into which I fit my girth - "Who has anything to say about my girth!" - but all the tidy stuff on walls looks good, and I'm smiling.
Chris Catalfomo's Father died - she sent a group email - how strange is it that we are in touch again, able to give some comfort - after all this time, calling in all chits no matter how small and unexpected. Yes - old friends. Who knew?
Slept well, dreamed well, fed noisy front cats - who seemed irritated with me for not being Buff & DJ - , started laundry, sat in backyard and realized how happy and comfortable I felt there, enjoying the beauty where all in sight is bushes, flowers, rustic cottage crawling with fresh decorations and vines, and further trees over the side fences. Looking down on Josqin's grave, feeling a large numb emptiness - feeling nothing except a distant blindspot - that's how I define my mourning, but what I'm not, I suppose, ready to feel yet - how do you feel what's not there? Do you mourn a missing tooth? It was good while he was here. I miss caring for him. And I must miss him too, though I say things like "I didn't want a rabbit. I took him out my responsibility to my love." That sounds only half true. I did want him. I always wanted him. I was afraid I wasn't up to the responsibility, hardly - sometimes it seems - able to take care of myself. But yes of course I wanted him, and I still want him back, or maybe another rabbit. I want a rabbit.
Heaves a little sigh here.
I miss my friend. The face-to-face, conversations - attempted communication - thumping, talking, touching, licking - nose rubbing - the nice nose licks in the morning, his excitement over food, and gifts - playing cards, paperbacks, living quarters, that he recognized as gifts and living quarters and claimed ownership of - mine now!. Smart soft warm bunny!
Okay - Tilden? Or hang in town, see about getting some pounds for U.K., a broom, a shovel, stones for the cottage path. Like that.
++++++++++++
Thu Oct 23.08
Training - that was fun, and nice compliments. Photoshop and potential video coming up - but I don't want to commit if they're gonna do it half-assed. Or should I? Last visible chunk of the top right second molar coming lose - tender but not painful really - call dentist, please!
Scanned bunch of Jennifer B proofsheets, but more importantly, a bunch of pages from early 70s sketchbooks - high school, the move to South Charleston middle of Senior Year - yeah, that sucked - the ink and watercolors - distant memories now, I've forgotten a lot, especially the obscure ones - not the ones I "sweated blood" into - interesting, a little freaky and maybe sad. Putting them on Buzznet. And make a video.
Shot stop-motion vid of view from lunch and eating wonton soup. Fun.
1979. Where did I meet her? Craft Center I think. Then hung at her dorm room. This was one of my first nude shoots in Davis? She also photographer. I had an intense crush on her, but couldn't make it; too anxious and crazy. Bummed me out. We made it as far as we could. Some good fun. Be happy for that.
What an ass, damn!
++++++++++++
Tue Oct 21.08
"...Oh gosh," murmured the darling closed-eyed girl, biting her lips as the burning member began to throb and spurt inside her, in a hot, ravaging flood of her precious little honey-cloister whose bleating pink-sugar walls cloyed and writhed as though alive with a thousand tiny insatiable tongues, "...and how!"
Candy, Terry Southern
++++++++++++
Sun Oct 19.08
Yest, lots of front yard work, clearing out unnecessary clutter and bulging plants - thinking about buying a good shovel and digging up front yard, exposing stepping stones, planting California poppies.
Emails from sis Joan, she has job nursing, Jeff new job, in Boise. Discussed visits home/WV, M&Ps 60th anniv in Sep.
Drove NBerk for hippie sandwich, carrot/orange drink, Peet's coffee, skimming book by a Jew about why religious Conservative loonies support Israel, and why Jews should trust them even though they are fucking stupid and unstable - 'useful idiots' apology - ; Comic Relief. Hit/bike to WF for OJ/sandwiches, fruit, yogurt - for Reyes today, but decided against Reyes (limbs a bit sore from yesterday's gardening - not a good day for strenuous 10-mile hike). Reminded me how much I enjoy a bit of rb now and then. In fact so much yesterday that I wondered if that was good? But, why would it be bad to enhance good feelings now and then?
Haven't been using kl - slept badly Thursday night, very cranky at work Fri so took .25; that probably did help, yes. Okay. That's about right usage.
Lots of YouTube - wake up ~5:30 as has become habit.
Colin Powell goes for Obama. But do the polls lie? A nail-biter, after 2000, 2004 disappointments. Won't be fooled again.
Today - Olampoli I'm thinking. Rb, sandwiches, orange, apple, energy bar, water. Could. Out-of-town is always good. Home down through the back roads to Tamales? There's some trickle-down, I think, from the John Henry bday surprise into my family dealings - a bit of clearing fog - fleeting spots of clarity that I let be, not to jump on, but observe and only water with honor.
~1989
++++++++++++
Sat Oct 18.08
I say, this waking up feeling good and clear is first rate - if that means accepting it all in the back yard with some painful heaves, acknowledging my pride is source of many of my problems with family problems, it was often embarrassing being me; seeing sibs and parents, knowing how deeply they know my weaknesses, is painful (as I know M&Ps & etc - that's family) - but, yes, it is possible to rise above. Knowing what I know, knowing it's possible, is all it takes to make that first step. That I still think in terms of "never having a better relationship with Dad & Mom" means I still am hoping for a fairy land where it all turns out differently. Where a word from another human mouth will wipe away the confusion and expose a pain free reality under a hopeful paradisiacal glow. It won't. It's delusional. Wake up with my feet on the ground.
But cut myself some slack - I have made efforts, from Tom, to M&P, the calls and expressions of love.
I keep my face buried in this laptop (at Nomad), with a slight trepidation lest I look up and see an empty life - "nothing to do", the Ultimate Crime Of Loserhood - I could go home and organize my "crap', paper from the past": drawings, proofsheets - wanting to do a video from my late teen drawing pads. Fun. Sure. Why not? Some people dig them, and I no loner burden them with dreams of artistic fame. I could drive to Reyes and hike, but have to deal with the "I'm alone, therefore a loser" troll - even though I like being alone. None of it should I allow to keep me from doing what I like, and being outside, on a beautiful trail, enjoying the fresh air and scents of dried grass, evergreen, damp earth - stage whisper of breezes up in the trees' top limbs, giggles from small nearly dry stream bed. Yeah - bummer that I enjoy that alone, without having to concern myself with someone else's entertainment, or whether or not they are enjoying my company.
Yesterday at work: photoshop'd old pics of retiring VP that no one else could possibly have access to because I've made a point of archiving that sort of thing; finished working many slide-to-photos project for one of top guys and burned to CD to send south; took over video editing project and finished it under pressure, making innovative changes - getting good at this video-editing business -, arranged training for next week with groups and individuals - sat with Mgr/IT/Finance folks at free lunch and talked training and different offices' styles, arranged in person to photograph new hires Monday morning - yes, I've got connections everywhere. This week another trainee told "I've heard about you!" - and after 10 years of doing this, and making contacts, training, building up personal equity and leverage, I am able to set aside all fears of job security; I am irreplaceable. If they would lay off someone of my value, then the company is in dire straights indeed.
Was wanting to send the 1975 nude to a few women (Chris C/Lindy), but held off, and after 24 hours it passed. But it was tempting. Not that I think it was wrong - obnoxious and socially inept, yes, wrong to the extent it ignores social conventions and boundaries by even offering a link - but to itch that scratch, no not really evil or immoral. Point is, perhaps, that if desire takes only 24 hours to fade away, it was not much of an itch needing scratching anyway, so why expend my energy and drag others into my personal mess, with risk of its expanding into even an only slightly heavier situation - mild confusion and anxiety - just to satisfy I'm not even sure what, a bit of sexual frustration bursting out in an exhibitionist embarrassment? Silly and harmless, but immature. That's it. Unless it is requested, it risks appearing a little pathetic - why put myself at that risk for so little, or no, reward? If it was therapeutic, maybe - and maybe with CC it would be. That will likely still have to be pursued - that the fact I only knew her at 17 means all my memories are colored by it being from the sexually intense part of my time; that will at least need to be broached so we can move past it; question is: Why bother the risk of the broach, since I'm not sure how deeply we ever really connected, and there may be no upcoming second act. Unlike Adrienne, I continue to think about potential further email contact with Chris, so that suggests it might be worth a go. Adrienne's anger - though, like my father, apparently she won't concede anger - makes me wilt, not only anger vs. my fear of confrontation, but our inability to reach a common ground, i.e., I'll confirm my anger and you concede yours.
All Dad would concede was that it was understandable - reasonable people could agree - that the way he behaved could have been mistaken for anger, though it was not anger, it was frustration at not being a more perfect Christian. That's what I think he said. Didn't make sense. End of conversation.
Fine, then don't talk about it. The hunger strike is long over - stop wearing the t-shirt and talking about it and joining the yahoo group. Therapy's over. Short, uncomfortable visits is the best I can hope for. Fine, then do it.
Too fat, too much time online. But - yet - still - life is good when I start counting all the good stuff.
Thursday pm waked over Grant to wharf, sleek modern yacht and B&J's ice cream; cable car and Taylor and Bay - broken at Washington/Powell - walked to BART. British man with wife talked to me on the car.
Nothing... everything.
Slow
My Bloody Valentine
Oh well, you know it's up to you
Sugar think what we could do
Can I have a question
I'll make you smile, smile, smile, smile, smile
Sugar sugar you're up to my lips
Licking over everything I miss
And I got no reason
Just a slow, slow, slow, slow, suck
Feeling bad, feeling good
Feeling like I never could
Lick, lick, lick and suck, suck, suck
I want it slow, slow, slow, slow
Sugar sugar you're up to my lips
Place my head upon your hips
And I got no reason
You make me smile, smile, smile, smile
Well what the hell, we (we're) all the same
You got what I need, so don't play no games
Sugar think what we could do
I'll make you smile, smile, smile, smile through
Got the rush I don't feel no shame
On top of me you (know) while I don't know your name
And we got no reason
Just a slow, slow, slow, slow, suck
++++++++++++
Thu Oct 16.08
Let's see...
Practically right to bed when I got home (after picking up Volva from Orange) - been useless - last Sunday did Russian River loop - with brief Eric Santa Rosa visit - but too weary to connect to nature/ocean - bleagh. Good night's sleep last night and feel pretty good today. Been waking up at 5am for no reason, but sleeping well otherwise. Vulvo driver's side window came off its gear on the Russian River trip - bummer - $350 for semi-annual checkup and window fix. Fine. Whatever, I won't hit the symbolic milestone I was hippity-hopping about, but soon enough. Car insurance came in, too - so boom - two steps forward, one step back - but it's cool; I'm in track.
Yesterday YouTube deleted my Photographsandmusic page, said Royksopp/firezone nudes broke their rules. Freaked a bit, quick to angrylambie - still there! - frantically deleted everything of any possible controversy - all nude slide shows, belly dancer dressing room, Lynn putting on leather bra - clip, snip, delete, cut - it's good - cleaned out the weeds - it's all about music now mostly, Hendrix, Game Theory, Loud Family, REM live - it's all good. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and if it does, I think I'm prepared to start a new page with al the good stuff on it, but looks like I dodged a bullet.
Photographsandmusic was coalmine canary, may have saved my ass - presumably problem was frontal nudity and plenty of it, but might have been Royksopp? Still, they were up for a while, hundreds of people saw my shots - I enjoyed the experience, but counts never caught fire; no one really cares, or finds that old stuff sexy, without direct connection to memories I have. Fine. Learn. I did it. Third-tier proof images rightly ignored. Learn. Images here on angryL if I must scratch that itch.
Obama winning all debates, McCain floundering - Palin a national disgrace and joke - no interviews?!? Come on Nightmare! Maybe it's just beautiful morning, good sleep, back pain faded away and worst of fear-mongering financial meltdown out of headlines, but I'm feeling better, and hopeful that Obama will bring better days. Anything has got to be better than eight disastrous years of Bush - good god.
CS Lewis book of quotes of a fun read - a good second-rate, if occasionally squishy, mind. NY Review of Books, good article on philosophy vs. religion, Jefferson and the southern slave system, Obama in Denver. Good escapism, feels good to use my whole mind at top speed. Re-reading bits of Dandy - really fucking funny.
Lots of Buzznet activity, no contact with England to speak of, but it's okay.
Looks like the video digitizing setup is back on - not on my computer, but it could be arranged.
Fat and 54 and loving it!
++++++++++++
Sun Oct 12.08
Back from the coast...
++++++++++++
Sun Oct 12.08
Lazy day lazing around on Internet - managed to get laundry done and a bit of yard work. PM Telegraph LaFiesta, .5kl to sleep early - up ~7 - Nomad ~8. Again thinking about Russian River loop... fed front house kitties.
Heard from C, ex-NY-co-worker: everything's cool. All the worry for nothing.
Creamcheese bagel/onions/capers, 2xmocha, banana, SFChron from home.
.25¢ Telegraph books: Candy, Moroccan art, LA prostitutes' bio - and CS Lewis quotations from Moe's. A food intro.
Yesterday too windy for coast - today looks better - clean air - where to?
Bummer about economy - I been through a few recessions: left home 1973 in the middle of a bad one, jobs were hard to come by, losing Vietnam, everyone depressed, and Nixon's administration teetering. 80s I had a job and living at Taylor, so M&J support, but vibe was gloomy - my job was awful and seemed there was no way out or up even with additional training/education - lots of families living in cars - if they were lucky, high unemployment. Even if I am lucky enough to ride this one out - keep my job and living arrangement - tension increases and surrounding misery drains the soul. Well. Trust myself. Remember the fence. I came out stronger.
It's no one's fault. Might as well blame the stars.
9am.
1989 - not a replacement: a band-aid, comfort, consolation, memory... off to the coast...
- ++++++++++++
Sat Oct 11.08
Some week what with the stock market collapsing, globally - deep recession at best - new world order, global currency, coordinated Western (U.S./European) response. The U.S./NATO has lost it, China and South America, everyone who ignored U.S. demands to follow our way to globalization - they are doing well. The countries to followed our demands are going under and furious about it. So, is this the other shoe dropping? The USSR and international communism collapsed in 1989, the Capitalist West held a dance party on their grave, knowing it couldn't last - market cycles being what they are - and now International capitalism collapses, and we again reach equilibrium and start history all over. Yes? No?
Tried three glasses of absinthe Tuesday at SF bar, watching Latin jazz from a window above Jack Kerouac alley, and chatting with Australian tourists - then to street level, feeling the effects - turns out absinthe makes you act drunk without feeling drunk - what a stupid high! Walked to Chinatown bakery for 20 chocolate macaroons and shared them with the crowd in the alley, where they were well-accepted.
Next day still feeling it, like a hangover without the pain, slow and weak - great!: High with high; hangover without headache. What a stupid drug! And again Thursday and sort of yesterday - after work did sushi in Embarcadero 4 - enjoying chicken teriyaki, miso soup, eel, tuna, large hot saki. Yes. Second thoughts, but thoroughly enjoyed it and felt wholesomely fulfilled - in the warmth with beautiful tasty artistic austere refined food experience; in from the dark and cold.
Back was troublesome most of the week - Advils and sometimes an AdvilPM at night, and 1/4 kls sometimes. I felt creepy doing the pills everyday - that felt too much like old age where the day revolves around meds. Daily meds. Pins you down. Approach with caution. Still a mild tension on thr lower right, but basically back is okay again. Last Saturday I stayed in bad all day - this is much better! :-) Health is good. Go see a doctor.
Found digitized Donnette GT jump shot for Lurie fellow doing Church book. Uploaded LF in the studio doing PBRT to YouTube and distributed around the MySpace groups. Another contact from a very happy Next of Saws drummer who "got" the davis80smusic experience. I've been feeling pretty disconnected from it - but there it is, serving its purpose, and bringing back wonderful memories; those revisits are important to people's mental serenity. Buff&DJ gone two weeks revisiting (Buff, anyway) Nebraska - yesterday morning we were all - separately - at BART. There was a fire at West Oakland station, so I walked home, got car and drove them to Oakland airport. Pleasant drive talking about this and that, politics, a pink Studebaker with a surfboard on top - "Live Your Dreams" on the back window. Terrorist fist jabs at the airport.
Today I sure am thinking about driving up the Russian River loop - got nothing better to do - a drive might be nice - beautiful, cold Fall day - catch some colors, sun, wind.
Also heard from mark L - and put up another version of bday video on angryL YouTube - Mark made me YouTube friend. Referred to me as brother in invite - may have meant it generically, but it touched me. Don't be weeping at work now. There's maybe a bit of surprised 'missing' not just in me; maybe that's what I saw in Zimmerman's eyes - looking up at me from the pool; slowly growing realization that he missed me - and, yeah, back at you, really.
All sorts of little things happen all day long - Buzznet photos, Photoshop fun, photos at work, planning training, watching the big, colorful lilies I brought to K at work open (along splitting seams, turning from red, or orange, to deep red, waxy-smooth water-filled petals turning wrinkled like mottled skin - unavoidable sexual connotation).
Backyard looks good this time of year, comfy; I like a lot that it does not face the street - my private garden - unGoogle-mapped, skylight first thing I see most mornings - silver bunny halves on cottage wall, Xoxo calendar.
Lots of scanning at work. DVD burner set up, so been archiving digi, scans and etc.
Now, if we can get the 8mm digitizing going that'd be cool. How to approach? Have to make it appear to be that he is winning by going along with it. If I benefit more he would consider that a loss. So how do we both win, but it looks like he wins? I'm smart - I can create a way.
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Sun Oct 5.08
Back still bugging me a bit, and started some yardwork that's been needing doing, chopping and replanting, then started on cottage; felt good so no Mendocino. Garbage out of kitchen, put bowls silverware away, nailed silver bunnies to outside of cottage, and white goat head inside - maybe it was the .5 kl (and another .5 in the afternoon), I went through the GT/LF box and organized and put it under the bed, separated out unrelated photos into own folder, and a pile of negs/slides/proofsheets/snapshots to scan at work. Pulled apart tangled wires/web cam/headphones from pre-KIX memorial visit. Work work work - a beautiful warm/cool sunny Fall day for cottage clean. Beate's black triangular table upside-down under bed.
~5:30 to NBerk for fancy chocolates for work - and work girl demanding them - silly, I know - & $50, but they will be appreciated, and no harm done. Comic Relief on way home - re-read Miller's 300 and Corbin's 3-part Hellboy.
Home for more tidying, shifting, clearing counters, nailed message board from Buff to the wall, CDs/tapes/books in Karen's small sturdy shelf/ show holder. Yeah - the place looks good - feels good - can be better, but a good start.
Thinking about the new bed again today - is it for this place? Or is the really the wrong time to spend unnecessarily - this bed is comfy and fine and broken in and I feel good in it. It has seen rain leaks and Lisa and Chae and three years of Josqin and 10 years of me waking up looking at the skylight, sometimes with Dusty's furry black ass staring back.
Let's look at some stuff - but, I woke up feeling good today - the a little more calm and centered than usual. The memorial, LA training, Josqin's death, John Henry's bday party, borrowing the photo albums, house sitting for Buff/DJ & Sooz, the move at work, being sick for 5 weeks - all done - sore back sure, and the kl and Advil calming effect and helping me sleep may also have helped; but, for a few days, for the foreseeable weeks, I can kick back and enjoy the lovely Autumn blooming before my eyes.
Lunch was turkey sandwich, wedge of British blue cheese on crackers, plus a cup of yogurt and melon. On way home tonight got hot soup from WF. I even vacuumed tonight. My space feels under control. I feel under control. The mess and anxiety of the scare tactics gov't used over banking crisis is done. I don't feel so good about the smiling photos of Bush shaking Paulson's hand on the front of the newspapers. Like, yeah - we got every fucking last cent of taxpayers' money. Thieving bastards.
Oh well - two Advil PMs should be kicking in pretty soon -
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Sun Oct 5.08 I
Yesterday was not so good - harder than usual to convince myself that it was, as I like to think of all days, "the best day of my life" - right, physical discomfort is the deal-breaker. Fair enough. As long as you have your health you can keep spirits up, but... anyway, minor but moan-worthy back pain on right middle. Made mistake of carrying home a headboard-shelf someone left on Shattuck. Shouldn't have because it reinjured back. Not shooting sharp pain, but just wouldn't quit, made me feel a bit nauseous - someday, if I ever get sick, I'm gonna be whiniest patient in the world.
Most of day in bed trying to find comfortable position; ~4pm across town for atnl prescription; Solano for Taqueria burrito/aqua fresca/cookie/Pegasus - WF on way back. Asked Buff&DJ about muscle relaxants (since Elephant pharmacy said they had none, had to be prescribed). B&D had strap-on heat pad which, along with Advil, helped a lot! Yay for heat! ~8:30 two Advil PMs, slept soundly through night with good dreams. Woke up back feeling okay. Wow - cool.
Comment on YouTube hippie girl video - 'Good work Robert' - from girl with poker site. I suspected bro but more likely spam; asked who? yeah - Tom. Deleted all but didn't block. I checked my pulse - yeah, I don't know they right way forward - I tried the best I could -, but weaseling in doesn't do a thing. At 54, right or wrong, I'm entitled to choose how I get treated and who I tell to piss off. And I'm entitles to decided the level of communication I am comfortable with - if, as with Mom and Dad, communication is impossible, and it feels one-way, they get what they want but clam up when it's my turn, and I feel put-down, I am allowed to walk away and get my strength on on my own path.
Maybe I am a reluctant soul. Or maybe the reluctance is because of the shit storm of pain, lies and anger in the household I grew up in. Away from that I am more free to grow and mature into the person I want to be. Can't do it with impatient brow-beating Daddy and defending but ineffective Mommy. Jeanne was on our side though - I owe her something for that - it does count that she was clearly on the kids' side. Defending us against Dad's sarcasm, anger and insult. But, ultimately, she stayed with him and would not fundamentally say, Stop Or I'm Gone. Obviously that's too high standard - who the fuck am I, in my ignorance and never having raised a single child, much less six children - to say she didn't do enough. Shows the world of ignorance I need to somehow overcome to get closer. Difficult.
I could say: They were weirdo Catholics, but it was a necessary set of beliefs they took cover in to survive in the world that collapsed around them - alcoholism, mental illness, economic, cruelty, death, war - it helped them survive, and if they fervently clung to those beliefs and did as the church said by applying them fervently to their children, well that's perfectly logical and I have no complaint. Roll of the dice.
So, let it be. If I can walk through the Davis fence into a treacherous backyard of memories and survive, I can walk into Morgantown and survive. I've done it. Maybe I need a collapse in a West Virginia cemetery.
It's fall - how about a WV visit in early November? John Henry has made his mistakes - some of them serious - but I told him what I told him. And I meant it. Can I do that with John Richard? Blood. Is it the time? It would be a blessing to all.
Is that what's happening? Can I walk up to and through the gate not knowing what to expect on the other side, and trust myself to handle and survive whatever happens? I just did it. I'm still alive and better than ever, a burden removed, empowered and confident. So, what am I waiting for.
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Sat Oct 4.08 Nomad
Rained last night - the air smells clear and clean, wet - nice - Beate's black triangular table still sitting outside in the rain. Under bed upside-down? Or find it a new home? The home I imagine it in I'll probably never have - a unabomber cabin in the woods sort of thing. With a window, and a loft. Shit - I could probably afford that now, if I was willing to learn a whole new austere way of life, and be willing to have solitude make a bit mad. Which, currently, I'm not willing to do. I like sanity; it's not so lonely.
Back on YouTube, but with a more jaundiced eye. Fine - we had a little spat, and I learned I can live without you.
Mellow - no plans - only question is am I going to drive to Mendocino today - probably not, but it's tempting, because there's nothing standing in my way, and the air smells so good - so ocean and woods would also smell good.
Alternative to use today to tidy cottage, which is pretty messy, and do coast tomorrow - but I like idea of spending tomorrow driving back from Mendocino, down coast - I could go up 128 tomorrow, call in sick Monday. That would be good for my head.
Back still sore - it is so isolated, I suspect carrying and pulling heavy suitcase to and from work may have played a role. I was using those muscles. Advil doesn't seem to help, no vik. Might need a muscle relaxant. The other possibility - sometimes illness is proceeded by sore muscles. Keep open that possibility.
When Josqin died, and I talked to Karen on the phone, she said I sounded "very calm" - withdrawn? Dunno - whatever, I guess that is the Robert reaction in some stressful circumstances - ultra calm - though I don't feel calm, people say I sometimes give off that vibe. It was similar to how I felt after John Henry's 80th. Very very calm... withdrawn? And what tripped me was unexpected feeling of loss and banishment. Exactly. All my defenses were up for obvious emotional threats, with small, tight gaps for connecting with Marge and John etc, and I was blindsided by all the unexpected familiar names and faces, now 10-20 years older. I was okay at the party, in my bubble, but after I left - maybe it was the feeling of leaving that tripped emotional wire. Last time I left, I stayed away for ten years. Yeah - might be something there. Can hardly believe what I went through at the cemetery - if I hadn't' written it down the very day, I'd have a hard time believing my memories were based on reality. I'm having a hard time convincing myself it happened even with it written down. Wow. Well, I knew what I was getting into - I knew I had no way of knowing or controlling what was going to happen, so not whining. It was good, necessary. A bit of wallowing in the drama - well, okay, that's me - but no more, okay?
Was it really only last Saturday - a week ago?? Jesus - it feels - years ago... in the cemetery I was in a time warp. End-to-end, Snyder in 1978, art school, photography, bands, marriage, wilderness: when I completely lost Davis - 30 years of my life stretched inside me - little wonder my mind was blown; all opened up, relieved to have survived, relaxed to let back in feelings I suppressed at the function and POW!... haven't communicated with Marge or John yet. Send thank you note for invitation.
Ordered Rhino Isley Brothers Move Over and Let Me Dance CD from Amazon.
Hippie Girl video to YouTube. Probably want to re-do that - 1st attempt rushed an sloppy. Lots of Buzznet photos, comments, etc - including putting up older mirror-kiss etc shots for new audience.
That field is plowed. What next?
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Thu Oct 2.08
Whew - well, that whole kl last night put me out pretty well - intense dreams lately, waking up out of specific situations, authority figures, planned trips almost taken - but I never fly in dreams, sex dreams, travel dreams, mostly all about preparations but never quite happening, no - then I wake up - into the real trip, the real sex, real life. Okay - I'm okay with that.
A bit dopey from the kl, but well-rested - forgot to set alarm but woke at 7, in time to leave casually but not to shower or shave. A training this afternoon. I have razor, toothbrush and such here. Otherwise, it hardly matters, here in hinterlands, bottom of the barrel. You know - when they weren't paying attention, when we weren't worth the effort, we got lucky with a large private space and music and all - then they had to pay attention while we moved to another floor, so they had a chance to rethink, so the glory days are behind us, we are in the corporate structure where we were always headed you know - small, cramped quarters. They will not rethink it , they can't be bothered - we are back to benign neglect. That presents opportunities - we can still play music, we will get used to the constant chatter from travel next door. The powers - such as they are - are no longer paying attention, so relax and make it work for me, and for us, because truly, it can't be working for me, if it isn't also working for the whole department - I am not alone here. If I'm doing my thing, and everyone else is on a downer, then it'll being me down in mental and structural way, too. Bring everyone up - life up all the boats - and my outlook will improve.
I don't like changes in my cages being a rabbit - but already I feel myself settling in - when someone asks how we like the new place, say it's great! Complaining, implying discontent will make no difference, and leaves them with a negative impression of my manners and my adaptability to circumstances. They don't care. They ask to be polite. In response, be polite and don't burden them with my petty concerns. Gain a reputation of going along to get along - my inner complaints are nothing. This is a social situation, not a therapy session.
Back still a bit twisted - though I sure slept through it last night - two Advil's this morning in case there's something physical, but I do think it's psychological tension: The economy and seeing Shelley&C for the 1st time in 10 years.
Look, assuming unknowables: that I stay at the cottage and my job remains secure - both of which seem reasonably likely, neither is currently threatened nor in the foreseeable future - assuming that, the economic downturn should not impact me adversely. I don't own stocks or a house. I have some savings and no credit cards. So I have no retirement or stock yields to be threatened. I suffered through the 70s and 80s recessions - and dodged the early 2000's recession with the job and housing I have now. No need to feel guilty if I turn out to be one of the lucky ones in this scene.
Okay - work in - as an experiment I'm thinking no nudes this month - we'll see how that works.
Not much to say, not many thoughts, about the Davis event - surprisingly? - it's all been said, it all lead up to that moment - it was dramatic and it's over. Now let the dust settle, then maybe have something to say. Lots of pieces to fall into place. And going forward is pretty much like the party - if I go, at John and Marge's prodding, to the farm, then it will be unpredictable, and I'll just have to trust myself and cross the biggest most mysterious and bridge I've ever faced when I come to it.
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Wed Oct 1.08 Co-op
Sooz back tomorrow - Willie pretty used to me, talking, demanding attention, though he has eaten very little last few days - hmmm, I'd worry if Sooz was not coming back tomorrow, and he seems okay otherwise, right, I think she told me he sometimes stops eating.
Recession coming on - you know - let it come, we've lived through recessions, why give all the government money - our taxes - for the next 30 years to Wall Street, just to avoid a recession? Because we'd have to give up our empire? Well... give up our empire - we blew it - admit it and humbly beg forgiveness and bring in Obama to get everyone to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. There's no empire to save anyway - Afghanistan and Iraq are both lost, South America is lost - we have European allies, but they hate us for Iraq and dragging us down with out cocked up economic disaster.
You look at what Clinton left us: a huge surplus and an economy that survived the tech bubble burst and 911 attacks with a couple of years of nasty heartburn - and Bush has. Fucked. It. All. Up.
It's enough to make you cry, because he had his hands and decision-making all over everything that went so badly wrong. Bush's wars, Bush's economic policy, Bush's oil policy, Bush's NATO in Russia's face policy, Bush's New Orleans policy. They were his plans, his people, his management style, his attitude towards government. Bush.
And now the same idiots want creationist, young earther, speaking in tongues Palin as President after kill'em all and let God sort them out McCain. Oh. My. God.
They say if we don't give them Trillion dollars no questions asked - not even a thanks, or a promise to do better in the future in return - there will be economic troubles. Well, if we give away $700T that will also cause troubles - where does the money for infrastructure or healthcare or green technology come from? The marketplace unleashed? I think we've just experienced the long, hard, dry ass fuck of the marketplace, no thanks. Let the market fix itself - the people of the United States can use that $7T better than your corporate friends Paulsen the Pirate. Fuck you. No Fuck You!
Soreness in my middle back, right side, kept me awake a lot of last night - annoying - distracting. I took an Advil PM and got some sleep. Then a 1/2 vik at work, then another when it didn't help, and 1/4 kl, thinking it might be from tension from economy lies and thievery, and John H's b-day. Not much help - even with a whole vik - so, figuring it to be at least partially mental, took another 1/2 kl at home. Still no help. Back still hurts, and I barely feel the vik or kl...!?! Weird. Okay. Whatever. Take another 1/2? Hmp.
Work is work. Willie is Willie, The cottage is a mess, I don't seem to mind. Friday I should be back on YouTube interactively. I could do a video about a sock puppet named YouTube that is always sucking another sock puppet called angrylambie's dick. That'd show'em.
Been laying a little low socially - the party was a little harrowing, and while lots has changed, the core distrust has not. They just don't get it. Clueless, in this case, is potentially dangerous. Clueless makes you ruin rock gigs. Clueless makes you destroy a person's favorite mediation corner. Clueless makes you think your ex wants to celebrate anniversaries in the wake of a nasty divorce. Drugs make you clueless.
Anyway - again - if part of reclaiming a bit of a relationship with Marge and John means negotiating a truce, I'll do it. But I will sleep with one eyes open and be wary and on the lookout for sudden loves and sneaky ploys disguised as acts of friendship. Don't invite me to party dude, all is not forgiven.
But, I'll be there for John and Marge if they want - because they never never never put in the boot, especially not when I was already down. A bit too much class and heart for that.
Anyway - talk kl at home for sleep. Leave soon? Since I don't drink or smoke... a kl is the happy median.
Okay. Intentional attempt to capture a 60s style hippie poster. Fun to try - and add a little something of ,my own. - the attitude, strong woman, direct eye contact - not innocent teenybopper mind blown on acid waiting to get experienced with several men's diseased penises.
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Tue Sep 30.08
Evening with Willie, Sooz back Thursday, so visit again tomorrow night, skip VP debate - work fairly easy - interesting exchanges with some Buzznet folks, a couple of featured photos lately of photos I like (Flea hippie, bus with broken window from Davis). Intense dreams this morning. No more morning dizziness - I think I was sick for ~5 weeks, the build up dizziness, respiratory stuff, lost voice, general physical and mental lameness. Seem to be all better now. Renewed meds prescriptions (atenolol and klinopin).
In spite of big economy problems and years of recession coming on fast, world looking on with barely suppressed glee as U.S. is hoisted on its own petard. It's a slightly new world on Wall Street - we'll see - government is trying to scare us so badly, like they did with Iraq, so no way to tell if they're lying - but they promised the end of the world if that $700B wasn't handed over last week with no questions asked, and by god, here we are, still standing, and stock market has not collapsed.
Hmmm. Maybe the situation is not so dire. Maybe we should take our recession hit, downscale the empire, build our equity back up and take our medicine like a man? But some big head is telling us there's a scary man at the door in a black suit and we need to give him our life's savings, and our children's life's savings, and suck his cock with real enthusiasm while we do it. Oh, and a pinky up his ass please, yes - that's good!
By their actions I'd say yes - the $700B takeover bailout was pure Wall Street theft by the ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs - meaning, no concern at all about the people of the United States - what's good for Wall Street is good for the American people, now shut-up and give us 30 years worth of revenue/tax dollars, what were you going to use it for anyway? - educating your children? Paving your roads? Getting healthcare? Fuck that! We need more vacation homes douchebags!
The soreness, stiffness, sore teeth I was having for years - gone away now. hmmm - the undiscovered cancer has probably eaten away the parts of my brain and spinal cord that feel pain, causing my body to stop trying to send signals of collapse. It will be quick. walking down the street, looking at some store's marquee, a dizzy spell, nothing to worry about, like a dream - suddenly my cheat hurts real bad - kneel down on the sidewalk - lay down - OW! I love you Mommy! *blink*
Or the sudden weightless shattering of a screeching car that jumped the curb with a drunk or heart attack behind the wheel. Bump - ow! - what - a car - fuck... *blink*
Street crime! There we go... all the government scare tactics have got me in fear of death - their intent - give us your money or you're all going to die - fuck you. We'll die - and take you down with us! Fuck you! Liars! Thieves! Traitors!
Anyway... goodnight.
Last nude for the month - maybe none in October after self-indulgent big ones this month? And try a day or so with few hits from work, to see about that high count, if there's any reason for concern. Flea hippie - our first shoot - so... ~1987? When we first moved there? Was Shelley in Game Theory? In Albany, Shelley at the Albany Spa, Marta & Flear masseuses - hmp. Well, late 80s anyways - between move to Albany and the Ralph/Jenni College scene. Before CCAC?
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